The Town of Storybrooke had her Resting Bitch face on when Emma pinned the Mad Hatter to the ground.

"You threw a table at my father," she growled. Pit bullesque. A helpless hare, Jefferson lay quite still. "All I want is your hat."

"Did it never occur to you," he sputtered even though she had her knee jammed into his voice box and speaking hurt him, "I am not interested in the cause? I didn't bring the Wraith here for you to goody two shoes it away."

The way Emma frowned at him made Jefferson think of Nala eyeing Timon like he was quite slow for not understanding the monkey was not Simba's uncle. In a Nalaish growl, Emma rebuked, "I promised my son."

Jefferson scratched his unshaven jaw. "So you don't win Mother of the Year award. Is your backside sore because you're afraid the psychopath will? Maybe you'll learn from this to hold your tongue unless you know your promise is solid."

Emma winced. "I looked up obnoxious in a dictionary yesterday, but the only explanation I saw was a picture of your face." Rubbing the side of her head, she spoke with open wonder. "Now I get it."

In a steely voice, Jefferson proclaimed, "That woman stabbed me in the back with a shameless grin eating her face. She forced my daughter to be an orphan. And you have the audacity to think I'll help. I mean complete offense when I say it's telling when you'd kill to protect a bully like her but people like me are on our own, kid.

"That said," he muttered, "you really think I'd still be here if I could make my hat work right? I made thirteen times thirteen times thirteen times thirteen…er…thirteen to the thirteenth power hats in Wonderland, but not a squid of them could do what the one I composed in Misthaven could. But the Misthaven one won't open a portal here. However, I don't have another nutter to leave this joke of a world with me, and you need two…not thirteen but two…" He uttered the word "two" in the way a man would expel the name of a beloved dog who died.

An axe came down on Emma's hip. She yelped and leapt off Jefferson, removing her knee in the process.

Will had a monkey on his shoulder and an affable expression as he clutched the axe's handle so hard his knuckles were white. On his chin was a clown's smile made by a scab. "Forgive me, Sheriff. I can't let you choke Jefferson." He raised his eyebrow at her, grinning sweetly. Abu threw a bland white rock at her with a fire in his brown eyes. "He's me best friend."

Jefferson didn't know whether to be touched or appalled. To hide his confusion, he sprang to his feet.

Emma felt the superficial cut with a spasming finger, ignoring the hooting monkey altogether. "I'm spastic," she mumbled to herself before asking Will, "You stole that, didn't you?"

"Naw. Was all me grandmother left me in her will." It was obvious from his tone he was teasing her. "Of course I stole it, Cheech. I used to be one of King Richard's Merry Men—what was in that tequila? I meant Friar Tuck's…" He stopped talking and swiped the back of his eye with a knuckle, leaning his whole weight against the axe. Then he vomited beside the axe.

Abu decided he'd been at the party too long and launched himself into a tree, vanishing from view.

"If I hadn't stolen that axe, it would be a right shame…" His eyelids flickered. "Allll of a sudden…me head feels like I cleaved myself through."

"You touch that axe to me again," Emma tried to say like a lioness. It came out like a half-vicious, half-confused Pug. "I shoot you."

Ruefully, she admitted, "If I had a dime for every time I said if things didn't go my way, I'd shoot someone…well, I'd have two dollars, but my mother would be dime-free."

"That's because there were no guns in the enchanted forest, though I suppose she could've threatened to shoot them with arrows," Jefferson encouraged. "But I'll tell you what. She hit your dad with a rock when they met. She's no lamb waiting to be slaughtered but more a porcupine hoping you will so she can stab you."

Emma thought for a moment. "Well, the banditry was washed away from her. She's no porcupine anymore."

Will saluted her. "If you say so." He swung the axe swiftly between his hands for thirty seconds before plunging it into the ground. A flag he was using to claim land. "Personally," Emma brought her fingers from her hip to her mouth and tasted blood, "I like a quiet life. Steal a few nuggets but steer free of drama. I despise being chased, so you won't catch me near Snow White."

"Ugh, I can't believe I'm having this conversation. I'm supposed to help Regina!" Emma started to march off.

"But why?" asked Jefferson softly. His cold voice halted her. "She is not your friend. Are you a doormat? She tried to curse you to eternal sleep but got the boy instead. He nearly died, as you would've in his shoes. You promised to kill her if he died. A throwaway threat? No wonder she's bossing you around, sending you on errands. Next, she'll give you a bicycle and tell you to smack her neighbor's dog with a newspaper because he pooped on the edge of her perfectly manicured lawn."

Emma felt like she was Mickey's dog, Pluto. Henry was Pluto's inner angel voice and Jefferson was Pluto's inner devil. Because everything the Mad Hatter said was true. It was making her long to listen to the jet feeling telling her Regina was no damsel in distress and helping her would cost a good person their life.

But she was doing everything in her power to ignore her instincts. Because Henry had suffered so much trauma at Regina's hands. Emma was wary to contribute.

"You stole his hat?" Snow White asked.

Regina was stooping over a table, trying to tickle the lifeless hat into sneezing. Nothing was happening.

Emma rubbed Graham's shoelaces on her wrist, clenching her jaw. "I didn't know how else we were going to get a portal."

Putting her arms around Emma consolingly as Charming paced, Snow assured her daughter, "I would've done the same. But I feel bad for Jefferson…"

"Don't." Regina flung the hat so hard at Snow's stomach it felt like a whip. Snow flinched. "This thing's a dud." Flinging her hair out of her face, Regina snarled, "Emma, you're useless."

Emma's eyes filled with tears as she relived the feeling Neal loved her then his coy, telling abandonment, showing he didn't. Why the *bleep* he'd sent her the yellow Bug was beyond her.

Snow folded her arms over her chest and growled, "Stepmother, that's a shitty way to talk to someone who's trying to save your soul from a Wraith."

It was the first time Emma had heard "Mary Margaret" cuss, and if she hadn't been wading in the memory of Neal's familiar scent, she'd be splashed with the jolt of shock. As it was, she crabbily asserted, "Don't defend me." She never would have said that if not for Neal haunting her ego.

Snow knew there was a clandestine reason for the bite but didn't know what. She enveloped Emma and said, "You've gone your whole life without being defended when someone ganged up on you. But I am your mother. When someone makes you cry in front of me, I'll bite their head off."

Emma held her tongue. Neal was her reason to cry, not Regina. But she didn't want to tell Snow about Neal or the embarrassing fact he still warmed her ice-cold heart with love even though he'd smashed it on concrete over a decade ago.

Charming brandished his sword. Regina teleported it away. "Before you go around condemning others, why don't you come up with a plan?" he suggested hostilely, pretending not to notice the absence of his sword.

"I already have," Regina informed him icily. "Snow White needs to find a fairy—or nun—Reul Ghorm is too bloody hard on. I'd say any would work, but I'd pick Nova—she's got a good reason to hate that thing.

"Give her lots of sympathy. Once she's eating out of your palm, get her to confide how the fairies have the power to hop portals. They've got to have something."

Begrudgingly, Snow had to admit, "That's not half-bad." Turning to Charming, she said, "If she makes Emma cry again, clunk her on the head."

Reul Ghorm was eyeing Nova reproachfully. "Pink, at this rate, I'm guessing thousands of years will pass, and you still won't graduate to fairy godmother." Filing her nails, she grumbled, "I thought Green was the worst possible fairy, but you make her look like a good fairy." The way she said it showed she was insulting Nova, not praising Tinker Bell.

"If you think I'm so awful, let me sail with Dreamy."

"Red!" Reul Ghorm barked. "Gold! Fuschia! Don't you dare leave the nunnery with those! You know better than that!" She waved her wand.

The three fairies got swept into a giant hourglass leaking sand into the bottom.

"You stay there for an hour. Think about what you did." Instead of answering Nova (maybe she was unprepared for such a question), Reul Ghorm stopped her harangue prematurely with a vague mutter, "Got things to do."

Nova was clenching and unclenching her fists when she heard someone behind her clear her throat. Nova calmed down and tripped over a chair in her attempt to curtsy. Dropping to the floor, she massaged her busted shin while asking amiably, "May I be of assistance?"

Snow knelt beside her. Jokingly, the ebony-haired woman suggested, "You should be bubble-wrapped."

Wincing at the pain, Nova asserted, "Oh, no. Some people are blind. Some are so tall their head is literally in the clouds. Some people are clumsy. It's our differences that make the world unique and keep us from all being banal carbon copies of one another." She rode through a wave of pain. "Though people don't always like our individuality."

"You mean Reul Ghorm?"

Nova hung her head. "I know you and Jiminy think the world of her, but she's…"

"A controlling hag?" the fairy Reul Ghorm called Fuschia demanded from the hourglass.

Nova had been the one to spread that title among the fairies, but she was trying to respect Snow's feelings. Yet, she heard it jump from her lips. "A lying bitch with a metal rod stuck so high up her butt it nearly brushes her voice box."

Snow squirmed uncomfortably before gently caressing Nova's hand. "The way she talks to you is just not right. She should admire your uniqueness. And let you and Grumpy go sailing. He loves you so."

Nova's heart fluttered and tears pricked her eyes. "I dream it. All the time. But she won't release me."

"I don't think Blue's heart is in the right place," Snow opined. "I think her mind is. Which means she's unloving because she's not capable of love." Snow coaxed Nova's head on her shoulder and encouraged her to cry with gestures. Nova sounded like an elephant calf when she blew her nose. She was exhausted from maintaining her friendly smile when Reul Ghorm was right—Nova was an awful fairy and all she wanted was to go sailing with Dreamy and be happy, basking in his company.

Her first dream ever had been to be a good fairy godmother, but that's because she was groomed into wanting it. She hadn't been given options. After clunking through life a bit since, she hadn't been able to stop dreaming of something her heart wanted more.

The thought of being a fairy godmother was no longer appealing at all to her anymore. Reul Ghorm had taken every last morsel of joy out of that first dream and burned it.

Nova could relate to someone who'd been told they should go to a certain college from infancy, so she was excited about it because people had told her she should be. Then she visited that college and another one. The second college was perfect for her. But people kept pressuring her to go to the first one even though it felt wrong. When she tried to explain how she felt about the other college, the "listeners" laughed, ridiculed and belittled her. "You're so young, you don't know what you want." The only difference was…college doesn't last very long next to Reul Ghorm's intention to make Nova miserable for thousands of years.

"Grumpy told me…" Snow licked her lips. "Blue said…your duty was to ignore your happiness so you could bring joy to humans, joy they'd never know without you. But you haven't done what she prophesized, have you?"

"No. And why does she value a bunch of strangers above me?"

"Because," Snow uttered sympathetically, "she doesn't see your feelings as worthy of consideration."

"Yeah," Nova muttered. "All us fairies have the same beef. She's too hard on us."

"She is," agreed Snow. "But, um," she noticed the sun trying to set. "I came here because I was hoping you might have something…to open a portal." Her ears were buzzing. "I know Blue would disapprove, but…the Wraith. We need to get rid of it."

Nova ran her finger along the bridge of her nose. "There's a knife. A subtle knife…created with the Northern Lights…It can open a portal."

One of the fairies in the hourglass told Snow, "You get me out of here, and I'll help you save the psychopath."

"She's not a—" recited Snow.

One of the other fairies hooted. "Don't you go defending her! Look, Reul is a right piece of ass, but at least she was genuinely kind to you and Archie…other people. She has kindness in her, however uncaring it might be. She's good to people." She coughed. "Never kind to fairies, just endlessly bossy. What a bitch! But, Regina is a robot who thinks it's hilarious when someone skins their knee…or dies…She was born with no capability for compassion. So are you going to let us out of this flytrap or not? Please don't be an Excuse the Abuse predator enabler." She batted her long blonde lashes. She had a very dark complexion, but her eyelashes were blonde and holographic when they brushed the light.

Snow plucked up a large statue of an angel, hefted it over her shoulder, and brought it in front of her stomach, smashing the glass open.

The fairy who offered to steal for her was positively giddy as she floated out. "That was badass! Snow, you're a warrior!"

Strutting, Snow snarked, with the statue dangling over her shoulder from the crook of her finger, "I prefer bandit, but I'll take that as a compliment."

Smoothly, she dropped the statue and curtsied with flushed cheeks.

When the fuchsia-garbed fairy returned, she deposited a triad of objects in Snow's arms.

Frowning as she studied the three objects, Snow said, "Thought I needed a subtle knife. What am I supposed to do with a golden compass and amber spyglass?"

"Lick them. I don't care. Poison them, drown them, bash them on the heads. It's all the same to me. The subtle knife opens the portal. But it cannot operate without the golden compass and amber spyglass in proximity."

Gripping Snow's wrist, Nova asserted, "There's no choosing the world the knife opens up. Not that it matters if the goal here is to get the Qui Shen away from Regina." She lifted her hand in the air.

Pretending she was clutching the hat, Nova demonstrated the necessary movements for opening a portal. Patting Snow's back, she encouraged, "Good luck!"

Snow nearly blistered her feet in her haste to return to her daughter, husband, and nemesis.

Emma and Charming were infinitely proud of Snow when she returned, full of success. Regina was the only one not glowing. She was full of such strong indifference over the help she'd bullied them into giving her that Emma longed to smack her.

Using every decibel of sarcasm she possessed, she mocked Regina. "Your majesty," she drawled with a dramatic eyeroll, "must be quite dull to have every whim come true. Your enemies saved you from the chopping block, and you look like you just woke up and want to scream at your maid for not making your curtains thick enough to block out the sun."

"Swan, your mother killed my fiancé. I could be her mummy. Fugget appreciation."

"Actually," Snow countered, "if either of us is responsible for Daniel's death, it's you. I didn't know Cora. You did. Yet you gave her—a woman experienced—time to manipulate a naïve child. You should've escaped my town after making me swear not to tell. The wound of losing my mother was fresh, and Cora knew that. Predictably, she milked it. So get your panties out of that knot and stop holding me accountable for your mother murdering Daniel because you're terrified to hold her accountable."

"What a self-righteous prat," sneered Regina. "The goody-goody who can't own up to what you did."

Snow was losing it. "Alright, punk," she growled. "You want to play that game? Fine. I'll return this stuff to the fairies and you can solve your own problems."

"No," Regina replied shamelessly, raising her brow in amusement. "It's a fairy thing. Naturally, I need you 'heroes', especially Emma, who promised my son I'd be safe. I can rape a huntsman and murder colonies with no shame, tear children from their parents, and more, with no remorse. But you let my soul be sucked out of my body and let me be a robot with no resistance, and you will writhe in self-hatred till you die."

"Sucking your soul out doesn't kill?" Charming asked, surprised.

"No," Regina explained grumpily. "It simply removes your personality, your free will, your life experiences. That's what a soul is, Pretty Boy. Your sense of self, your ability to feel emotions and be a functioning human."

Emma had a salivating thought of how nice it'd be to have a Regina who couldn't plot to destroy everyone or kill Graham right when she let herself love him. But then she realized she'd be bored of it five minutes later.

"It'd be kinder to kill you."

Grating her teeth, Regina growled, "That was the point. That pert little scumbag couldn't murder me, so he picked an unexpected and worse fate. One where all he has to do is touch something hard to my hand." She moved the subtle knife with magic from Snow to Emma's hands. "Quick, here he comes. Open a portal."

With no interest in Regina's drama, Charming took the amber spyglass out of his wife's hands, aimed it at the docks, and peered into it. He saw pine tree shapes with painfully bright green bark, brownish-grey leaves, and swirled black "fruit" shaped like animal heads without eyes or noses. Bordering the trees was an orange sky that had never been blue. Charming could tell this from a glance, and he was so shaken by the sight of a different world that he dropped the amber spyglass on his booted toe.

Emma opened the portal in front of the Wraith before he could see Regina. He got sucked into it.

Then she lost her balance and fell in the portal.

Chagrined, Snow didn't think. Clutching the golden compass, she leapt in the portal, which closed and cut her right pinky toe off.

Charming's jaw had dropped. Unable to believe what had just happened, he floated to the spot where the portal had been and snatched at the air.

When acceptance filled his ribs, so did chagrin and rage. Heart pounding with grief, he rounded on Regina. Seeing the glowing smugness on her lips mingled with curious lust stoked his fury.

"This is your fault. Most people lay in the bed they made. You shove someone else in it."

Using her magic, the Evil Queen pinned Prince Charming to a tree with strong tentacles. "Damn straight I do," she sang. Glowing with self-satisfaction, she crowed, "Because I can. Don't you know one of the biggest joys of humanity is to break someone who cannot protect themselves from their attacker? I have magic, you don't, so you're my toy to do whatever I want with."

The tentacles were so tight around his chest he couldn't speak. Regina mused, "I could make you my toy…but considering you'd be picturing me as Snow to get you through…I like this better." She crushed the life out of him with an evil grin.

"Mom? How could you?" Then Henry was running away from her. And Regina realized…

If she wanted to make him forget, she could. But she realized since losing Daniel, she'd gone all furious any time she tried to welcome someone and they spat at her. Owen. Hansel and Gretel. Graham. Plenty more.

She didn't really want Henry. He was too sanctimonious for her. Too pure, too black and white. Too naïve.

Let him go. She'd punished Snow once and for all. It was all she really wanted, and it tasted a lot sweeter than Henry's approval ever would.

She teleported home to gloat and watch the mark on her hand evaporate over three hours.