Chapter 21: Faithful Friends Who are Dear to Us

Emmett

Thursday, December 21st, 2023

Forks, Washington

"So when are the strippers coming, now or later?" I ask as we settle at the bar in town. The last time we were here was the night Bella and Edward had officially met. I know this because Edward mentioned it as soon as we walked into the place.

"Bella's okay with strippers?" Jasper questions after he has ordered us a round of shots.

"Who said 'strippers'?" My dad pipes in after a large swallow of his beer. The bartender must have seen Carlisle Cullen walk inside and gotten his drink for him without even asking. My dad doesn't come here often, but after living in the same small town for as long as he has, he has made some decent friends along the way. It shows at times like this one.

"No strippers," Edward laughs, reaching for his own drink from the bartender. "Bella would be cool with it, though."

"So it's not too late to find one!" I shout, only half serious. Tonight we're out to celebrate the final days of Edward's bachelorhood, though what we're doing now is a far cry from a typical bachelor party.

It's really just a night out with the guys. Plus my dad. It's cool as hell knowing my dad is close enough with my best friend to join us for a night at the bar.

"Bella's okay with it? What about Rose?" Jasper asks. "Or Mom?"

"What about Alice?" Edward counters, and we watch as Jasper's brows furrow in hesitation before he shakes his head with a small smile.

"She'd usually be okay with that kind of stuff but maybe not right now."

Pulling out two stools for the two of us, I take a deep drink of my beer, downing the rest, before slamming it down onto the bar. "How's it going, man? A baby changes everything."

I feel like I haven't seen my brother in years.

"You know, people say that all the time. 'A baby changes everything.' See, I knew things would be different but no one tells you what it would actually look like. Or what to look out for. I just thought Alice and I would take turns sleeping when we could and share the chores when the other was busy with the baby." Jasper pauses, releases a shaky breath. "I didn't know Alice would feel so…lost."

I know the kind of loss he's talking about. The kind where you're surrounded by your loved ones but feel invisible. You think no one even wants to hear your voice or be in your presence. Frowning, I swallow down a ball of despair with another sip.

"Rose was," I say a few minutes later as we let our conversation dwindle. "Lost."

"I remember."

I wish I didn't remember. I wish we didn't have that chapter as part of our story. Even though losing our baby was something that we had no control over, it had put such a stain on our relationship that it makes me sick to my stomach to even think about.

"It was hard for me to accept that. I mean, I knew she was – we were– going through some heavy shit. But she got up everyday, went to work everyday, and made it all look so easy. The only reason I knew she was struggling more than she said she was was because of how much she hated being around me." I sigh. "Rose says she felt like she didn't have a choice. She had to act like she was fine because that's how it is these days. The world is moving too fast for people to actually have the time to dig deep and fix the problem at its root."

"Alice told me she's been overcompensating at, well, pretty much everything, and because her doubts about herself are so scattered and disjointed and coming at her so fast, nothing she accomplishes goes the way she planned." Jasper shakes his head. "And you know Alice. Her plans are always executed perfectly. Every time."

Nodding in agreement, I ask, "What's the plan now then?"

Jasper sighs and reaches for the round of shots the bartender has placed in front him on the table. "She called her OB/GYN yesterday. She was extremely helpful and acknowledged everything Alice was saying. We're not out of the woods yet, but I think she feels at least a little better already being able to just openly talk about how she's feeling with others. She knows that she recognizes she's in a safe place with all of us." He takes a swig of his drink and winces. "I just can't believe I didn't see it happening right under my nose. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for that."

"Think about what you said a few minutes ago. Up until recently, it was always How's the baby? and never really How's the Mom. And after seeing Rose and Alice go through two of the hardest parts of Motherhood, it really fucking should be."

"I agree. Completely. Alice was able to see her doctor virtually to discuss all of her symptoms and all of her options. Is she better? No. But I can tell we're on the right path."

"That's all that matters, Jasper. Just keep walking with her on whatever path she chooses."

Rose found her path back to me, and I know Alice will with Jasper, too. I like to think that we go through these things, things like miscarriage and postpartum depression, to remind us how human we are. How fragile we are.

And how we don't have to go through it all in silence.

"It's not generally accepted to talk openly about that kind of stuff," Rose tells me later that night in bed after I've come home from the bar. Noelle sleeps like a starfish in her Pack n Play near the window as Rose and I whisper in the dark in our bed. "New mothers are supposed to be in awe. Just completely in love with their new lives. Grateful for the ability to raise a child. No one wants to hear about the dark side of getting everything you want. It seems very selfish of us to think about ourselves when you have a helpless baby who needs you at your best. All the time."

Sighing at her heavy burdens, I pull her close to me. "How dark was it? For you?"

Rose sighs, her eyes fluttering closed. "I lost our baby, Em. Medically, I know why it happened. I know I couldn't have done anything differently. But it was hard not to take it personally when I was the one responsible for carrying our child safely. Not you." She shakes her head in defeat. "It's such a shameful thing. Like Alice, to finally have a baby in your arms like society says women are supposed to, and then not be happy about it."

"It's not fair," I say, even though I feel like my words are missing the mark. But I press on, wanting this conversation to continue, because like Rose said, not many are given the opportunity to be heard.

"It's just not talked about openly enough. Sure there are tons of women to follow on social media who bring awareness to these things, but there is nothing physically here in this town, Em. Nothing. Not a single place to go to like there are in Seattle and New York. It may not seem like much, but there is a major difference between reading about it on an Instagram account of some stranger with your baby screaming in your arms in the middle of the night versus being able to leave the house for a little and interact in person with other people who are going through the same struggles, those same hormonal changes, that you are as a new mother."

"This is why you want to move here," I realize, and I suddenly love my wife more than before. "You want to be that place."

"If I can help prevent one more person from feeling as lost and shameful as Alice and I did, then I know that all of our losses, and our lows, are worth something."

"You're worth everything," I tell her, and promise to make sure she knows it every day of her life.

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