A/N: If you see this, if you are still here, thank you. College has been... interesting. I've been in therapy for a while, I've changed about a million fandoms and here I am now, coming back to my two gorgeous ladies that should be together but aren't. I wanna say I'll finish this but I can't. So instead I promise you I'll try. Thank you for sticking around, enjoy!

~•~

What do you do, when the nights become as hard as the days? What do you do when the days become worse than the nights? What do you do when reality is a nightmare and every fantasy is hell?

What do you do when every dream you've ever had fades away? What do you do when the demons take over your life? What do you do when dying feels better than living? What do you do when you have no idea what to do?

You succumb.

~•~

The recovery is something that neither of them expected to be this difficult.

It started out with Olivia being released from the hospital two days post the attack. With a few cuts and bruises along her torso and a sprained wrist, she and Amanda return home to Frannie together. Amanda does most of the work, with Olivia not only being physically incapacitated but also emotionally.

Whenever she tries to speak to her about anything at all -from what movie to watch to open cases- Olivia's replies are indifferent, abstract or non-existent. The southern blonde doesn't know how to navigate the situation, she doesn't know what to do. She's tried the gentle approach and so far no results were to be reported back to Captain Cragen who keeps calling once a day for his update.

So, while being lost, she does the one thing that knows will guide her back towards the right path; she cooks. Olivia is resting in the bedroom along with their golden retriever keeping her company and Amanda occupies herself in the kitchen, making her favorite vegan lasagna recipe and hoping that her thoughts will lead somewhere this time instead of tangling together, aimlessly wandering inside her head.

She steers the vegetables in the pan with a wooden spoon, listening to the sounds of the olive oil as it burns and there is something comforting about the sound, something that makes her heart and mind to stop running for a change. And as she moves the spoon around, making sure that all the vegetables are cooked properly, she remembers something she had read a long time ago: "special soulmates share a connection with one another that is unique in the way of feeling and understanding the other person. They are the other person, in a way, because their souls don't just match, they fit. You are them and they are you."

She is Olivia. And maybe if she is Olivia, maybe if a part of her inside of her is her soulmate's, just maybe, she can understand how the brunette feels and find a way to help her.

She turns off the stove, removing her sweater and leaving her with the tank top underneath and a pair of sweats. She grabs the lasagna and starts placing them in the oven pan one right next to each other and as she does so, she thinks of her. It's hard to reach their connection with the senior officer having her walls up constantly but she manages to pull them down anyway.

It doesn't take long for her to realize that perhaps this was a mistake. And it doesn't take long because the onslaught of pain and suffering she is experiencing comes over her so suddenly that it knocks the air out of her lungs. She gasps, tears leaving her eyes as she feels the void, the death of her girlfriend's light. Everything feels so dark that is catches Amanda off guard.

And as she is ready to shut it off, as she is ready to let go of the darkness, she feels a light and she hears a voice that doesn't belong to Olivia but to a person she knows all too well; it's her own voice. The light, that tiny sliver of hope shimmering in the corners of the woman's mind, is her. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, wiping away her tears and sighing heavily. She finishes with the food as fast as possible, puts it in the oven and sets the timer.

She walks away from the kitchen and heads to the bedroom where she knows she'll find her lying on her side staring far away, much like she's been doing for the past few days. But when she walks in this time she doesn't try to talk to her, she doesn't try to snap her out of it. As she walks in she lies down with her, spooning her from behind under the covers and just exists.

"Amanda-" Olivia tried but Amanda holds her tighter.

"I'm here." Is all the blonde utters, not leaving room for the conversation to continue.

They don't speak, they don't move, they just breathe. And as the brunette feels the blonde's body pressing against her back, as she feels the love radiating from the woman whose arms she is in, she lets go.

It starts with the tightening of her chest. It continues with the tears welling up in her eyes. It escalates with her sobs and her cries, her screams for help and the gut wrenching sounds that leave her mouth with a desperation in them that Amanda had never heard and hoped to never hear again.

She holds her as she shakes in her arms, she provides her with the comfort of her presence, her calm breathing and she tries in vein to keep her own tears at bay. She just stays there, holding her, until Olivia's sobs turn into barely heard sniffles. They don't speak yet, neither of them. Amanda doesn't mind. If that is what it takes for Olivia to start getting better, she would manage. There was nothing more important to her than her.

"Thank you." Olivia whispers after a while, not turning around in their embrace.

Amanda places a soft kiss on her girlfriend's shoulder. "No need." She whispers. "I'll always be here for you, Liv, in whatever capacity you need me to be."

Only then does the brunette detective finally turn around in Amanda's embrace, her hand reaching for the blonde's cheek caressing it gently. "What would I do without you?" She asks, her voice barely above a whisper.

Amanda chuckles softly, still holding onto Olivia's waist and leaning into her touch. "You'd do okay." She shrugs.

She sees Olivia's smile slowly appear on her face and she thinks it's the most beautiful thing she's ever seen. However it doesn't last long, with Olivia's eyes moving to her chest that remains uncovered and the dim glow of the scars there.

"Wh-what are these?" She asks with a frown, disbelief lacing every word. Amanda looks away, trying to find an answer to a question she had been dreading.

Ever since the scars appeared on her chest that fateful day, she has been doing her best to cover them up -either with make up or shirts and sweaters. But while in a hurry to help Olivia she forgot that they were exposed for her soulmate to see and probably torture herself all over again.

"Amanda?" The woman calls out her name again and the blonde relents.

She sighs. "I'm sorry, I forgot to cover them. I've been hoping they'd go away with time but it's been a week and they are still as present as ever."

The frown remains on Olivia's face. "Are they- did- how?" She stumbles over her words.

"Apparently it's something that happens, soulmates sharing... scars." She explains vaguely but soon realizes that it won't suffice. "What Lewis did to you," she starts, his name coming out of her mouth filled with venom, "I felt it, all of it. And my chest started burning and I looked in the mirror and all the things he did to you were there." She looks away again. "I was hoping you'd never have to see them, I was hoping... a lot of things."

"Amanda, you didn't say anything." There is no anger in her voice or her eyes, just pure, unadulterated concern.

Amanda shakes her head, blinking away tears. "I had no right to. You've been through so much, Liv, springing this onto you as well didn't seem right."

Olivia's bottom lip quivers as she leans in, resting her forehead against the blonde's. "I'm sorry, Amanda. I'm so sorry." She whispers. "I wish you hadn't felt that."

"Liv, you have nothing to apologize for, okay?" She says, her eyes locking with brown orbs that she could find herself getting lost in. "I should be sorry that you have to live with me and stare at those things every time you look at me. I just hope you can still love me." She chuckles bitterly.

It surprises her when Olivia captures her lips in a sweet and soft kiss. Neither of them had initiated any kind of physical contact with each other; Olivia too traumatized to do so and Amanda respectful of the situation. So after being touch starved for so long she relished every second of that lip lock.

She pulls away, looking at the blonde with an overwhelming amount of love. "I will always love you, Amanda. Do you love me any less because of my scars?" She asks.

Amanda looks at her as if Olivia grew a second head, the statement feeling slightly ridiculous to her. "You could never do anything that would make me love you less, let alone your sca- oh..." she stops mid rambling, realizing what Olivia was trying to achieve and it causes her to giggle quietly. "I see what you did there. Good one."

And Olivia grins at her and pecks her lips one more time. "Now, I smell something amazing coming from the kitchen and I'm in desperate need of a shower. How about you tend to that and I go take that smell off me?"

"Sounds nice." She admits. "Call out if you need anything, alright? The lasagna should be ready in fifteen." Olivia nods.

Amanda hesitates only for a moment as she considers kissing her. But the brunette nods and so she leans in and kisses her one more time before she gets up, getting Frannie to stand up and run to the living room with her, popping in re-runs of friends to watch on Netflix.

"Hey, Amanda?" Olivia comes out of the bathroom hair wet, drying them as much as she can with a towel. "I think I wanna change my hair..." she admits, grabbing a few of her locks and looking at them with something that resembles disgust.

Amanda approaches her and pushes a bunch of it behind her ear. "How about we eat and then I'll give you a makeover, huh? Maybe a bob?" She suggests as she lazily wraps her arms around Olivia's neck.

"Yeah, sounds good." She smiles and kisses her soulmate's cheek, hugging her back tightly. "I love you, Amanda. So much."

"I love you, too, Liv." Amanda whispers. "We'll fight through this, okay? Together."

"Okay."

~•~

"Okay, three, two, one. Open them." Amanda says as she helps Olivia stand in front of the bathroom mirror with her newly cut hair now dried and styled.

Amanda, having grown up in a household where money wasn't particularly available, had spent years doing hers and her sister's hair to save some money. There had been many failed attempts but eventually she got the hang of it, which is how she knew exactly how to fix Liv's hair.

When the brunette opened her eyes she came across a woman far more sophisticated, a little older, holding an elegance that was different than the one from before. It was almost as if with her hair gone, a huge weight lifted off her shoulders. It was a bit below her jaw line in length and curled at the ends, they had volume and she felt different. Good different, better.

"It's beautiful." She says excitedly. "Thank you, honey, it's amazing." She takes Amanda's hand and leads her back to the living room where Frannie was peacefully sleeping on the couch.

"So, I know I've been... a little spaced out lately but I thought of how I could make it up to you." Olivia starts. "So I looked up apartments big enough to fit all three of us and I think you'll really like the ones I've picked out for us to visit."

Amanda frowns as she sits next to Olivia on the couch. "Okay?"

She is concerned, of course she is, because Olivia went from zero to a hundred in the span of a couple of hours. But Amanda knows, she knows that Olivia is trying to bury it all instead of dealing because she thinks it's going to be easier that way. That she would spare Amanda from having to take care of her constantly.

"You changed your mind about us moving in together?" Olivia asks confused just as much as hurt.

Amanda scoots closer to her and takes her hands in her own. "Not at all, it's not that, Liv. It's just-" she sighs, shaking her head. "Don't you think that maybe now is not the right time? Liv, you just got attacked-" The brunette rolls her eyes and goes to stand up but Amanda doesn't let her. "No, Liv, you need to listen to this. I know that you are feeling better but this is not gonna go 'way. Not that easily. Pretend all you want but fact of the matter is, you were still hurt."

Olivia closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "I know," she breathes out, "I know." She repeats. "And-and I just want to forget. Amanda, I can't-" a sob escapes her mouth and the blonde is quick to wrap her soulmate in her arms. "If I think about it, it's real. And if it's real-"

"If it's real then what does it say about you, right?" Amanda says as her hand strokes Olivia's back. "It says that you are strong, that you are badass and that perhaps right now, you need help. And that is not something to be ashamed of." She assures her. "I didn't seek out help, I still refuse to talk about... about him and that is eating me alive, Olivia. You don't want that and frankly I don't want that for you, either."

She feels Olivia nodding against her neck, she feels her body tremble in her arms and she holds her. She holds her and she allows her to cry it all out until her eyes go dry. She holds her for as long as Olivia needs her. This wasn't about her, this wasn't about Patton, this wasn't even about William Lewis. This was exclusively about Olivia, what Olivia needed, what she wanted and Amanda is ready to give her everything she asks for.

Olivia lifts her head up slowly. "I think I'll contact the number of a psychiatrist the hospital suggested. Her name is Dr. Decker, they said she'd be a good fit." She sniffles.

Amanda wipes away the tears from the brunette's face with both her thumbs, rubbing at her cheeks softly before placing a kiss on the tip of her nose. "I'll be there for you in whatever capacity you need me to be." She repeats her words from earlier. "I'll be there before and after your first appointment, when you make the call. I'll be there if you want me to."

"Thank you." She replies with a tight lipped smile, one still full of tears. "I've never said it to you before but, Ames, I'm glad that you are my soulmate. I don't think there is anyone better out there for me than you."

Amanda smiles at her. "Well, Olivia Margaret Benson, it's a good thing that I believe you are the perfect person for me, too."

They stay hugging on the couch for hours after that, the TV creating background noise. They both knew that this nightmare was far from over and they knew that the face of William Lewis would follow them around for quite sometime. But it was the first time that after a week Olivia had finally let herself feel, the first time that she let her walls down and allowed some light in.

And later that day, when Cragen calls her number it's the first time she actually has good news.

"Rollins." She answers as she packs the last piece of lasagna to put in the fridge.

"Hello, Amanda." The Captain greets her at the other end of the line.

"Cap'n, hey. How was work?" She asks, her tone slightly happier than during their other conversations.

"No sex crimes in Manhattan today. How is Liv?"

Amanda smiles to herself. "Better. She is talking, she is eating, she is laughing a little. Better."

"That's a relief to hear."

She chuckles. "Trust me, cap'n, it's a relief to witness."

"You keep taking care of her Rollins, alright?"

"There's nothing else in the world I'd rather be doing, sir."

And it's true. Because of all the jobs and all the hobbies, of everything in the world, the one thing that she could do everyday for the rest of her life was be there for her soulmate, take care of her, just be with her.