Ting Ting knew Ling very well. At least that was what she thought. He was funny, confident, and kind. Never mind that he was a misfit (not in her opinion, his quirkiness was definitely an added bonus), Ling remained boisterous and positive. So when he didn't reply to any of her letters and invitation for dinner dates, wariness crept in.
She attempted to arrange another dinner date and asked Chef Zhang to send it. She didn't know whether the old chef saw the desperation in her eyes that he dragged Ling in… or he had threatened Ling that unless he complied, he would be the subject of his next culinary experiment.
But still, seeing Ling there in her quarter after a month of absence was… surprising.
"You came," she said dryly.
"Why? You sound surprised," Ling replied flatly from where he sat comfortably on the sofa. "Oh, nice new carpet by the way." Yes, very original pick-up line Ling, nice try.
"Ling!" she whined.
"What?"
She beehived to the sofa and sat across where he was. "You've been acting all weird. You didn't make it to the wedding banquet, in fact, none of you did: Yao, Chien-Po. Do you know how much your presence there means to Mulan? You are her best friend. Her world."
She could see very well that Ling's brain activity was spiking, running excuses. But all that came out was mediocre, "Sorry, I was… busy."
"Busy with what? Didn't I give you enough warning?" she scowled.
Ling just shrugged it off and pretended to be interested in the intricate embroidery on her new flooring. Curse that new rug! But Ting Ting told herself for a woman to win this battle against a man, one must show understanding and patience. A great feminine quality, so Ting Ting counted to three and said her peace-keeping mantra so that she found zen so pure she could totally survive without a new pair of shoes for a year.
She leant backwards, crossing her arms. "You know if you disappear on me again one of these days my brother is going to kill you."
This time Ling responded, "I guess he hasn't done it because he didn't want my blood all over this nice, new carpet."
"Ling! Seriously?"
Ling's jaw set in a determined expression. "Just make sure that if I die your brother knows I totally would've mowed his ass like grass. That way, I can laugh hysterically at his emotionally-constipated handsome face from the afterlife."
And just like that, she burst out laughing. Ling let out a small smile, the tension released from his shoulder. "I'm sorry. It's been a lot going on. I do miss you. Anyway, how's the wedding?"
"Wonderful, I guess?" she said, reminiscing how beautiful Mulan looked that day, and how happy her brother was. "I mean the part where he married Zetian was draggy and ultimately testing the limit of your backbone to stay straight for hours long, but other than that I think it went rather well."
Ting Ting knew her brother dated, slept and loved women before. But he's never felt this same sense of... of possibility with any of them. He had always run from expectations, from what he perceived as yet another gilded cage. Another lie. But as she watched him putting that ring on Mulan's finger, it felt like he was on the precipice of something good, or perhaps something that he had finally realised that he wanted.
"Your brother must be happy," he remarked rather glumly.
"The council finally crowned him as the new Emperor. But I think having Mulan there made him a lot happier. He worked hard these few weeks. And now, he has what he needs," Ting Ting said.
"What's with that?" she gestured towards his face.
"My face?" He played dumb, not that Ting Ting didn't know it.
"Ling," she groaned. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing!" he replied, sounding a little hostile.
"Are you hiding at something?" she asked, and hopefully her cornering glance told Ling that it wasn't a rhetorical question. "I know you always and will always have a beef with my brother, but… this is not you talking. Now, tell me, what is this all about?"
Ling swallowed, his throat looked painfully dry for some reason. "Look, Ting Ting, there is something I need to tell you, but promise you won't freak out."
Oh dear g..—
"Your parents picked someone else as a bride?" she said the first horrible thing that came to her mind. "And I am fated to be your second wife?"
"What? No!"
"Oh…Did Your mother hate the Lunar hamper that I sent her? I'm sorry it came with a white bouquet instead of red." She grimaced, "That was totally unintentional. I swear!" Because Ling came from an emotionally balanced family unit, these kinds of traditions carried a lot more weight with that kind of background.
"Uh-huh."
"So?"
Ling hesitated, Ting Ting couldn't resist throwing another guess, "Wait… did my brother ask us to break up?" That emotionally-stunted traitor!
"Nope," This time he shook his head rapidly to affirm the truth.
"You watched that sensual ribbon dance without me?" And if this was so, Shao's extensive experience in castration may be coming in handy.
"What? You mean just Baoxi and me?" Ling said incredulously. It was Baoxi's clever idea to educate him in the area of socialite life. Although the thought of watching a bunch of women in minimal clothing sounded a little tempting, watching it with Baoxi certainly wasn't. "Really?" Ling gave her a wary look.
Ting Ting shrugged, "But if you tell me you've found Baoxi attractive, I won't hold it up on you. Just spare me the details."
"Woah," Ling made a time-out sign with his hand. "Didn't know your imagination can be both graphically disgusting and disgustingly graphic. Please, this has nothing to do with my sexual orientation."
"Then what?" Ting Ting grew impatient.
With a huff, Ling willed himself and pulled a crumpled-looking parchment from his bag and showed it to Ting Ting. "Read this." It was the Emperor's writ.
"No, that… that can't be him," she denied. But the stroke, the Emperor's seal. There was no denying it. Suddenly the thought sliced in her mind like a plaque: the possibility of her madly-in-love brother covertly sending a man to the frontline to steal his wife. Series of excuses he used to make her feel almost sorry for him for his unrequited love.
"This is not true," she whimpered. "This can't be true." Why couldn't everything stay perfect the way it was?
"I'm sorry," Ling said, staring at her pained expression.
"Why don't you…"
"Told you earlier?" Ling said quickly. He sighed long and heavy. "I know I should. But that moment… that time… we were… I was angry… and hurt. Captain Li wasn't just a commander….and I'm not just losing a friend. He was like… a family to us."
Ting Ting could only imagine how terrible that must feel. Amidst the brilliance of peace celebration, to keep a secret like this. It must've been a spiralling torment.
"I know it felt like we'd been betrayed, believe me, it hurt so much that I wish your brother was…" But Ling stopped himself, running his palm down his face. "But after that….After seeing how relieved Mulan was…and how happy you were.…I thought… this could be a new beginning. A new page. I mean… Yes, Shao Wei had done terrible things, and I wish…" Ling clenched his fist but relaxed immediately when Ting Ting wrap her fingers around it. "But what good does it do hating him now? We can't change the past… It's all a done deal now. We all have to move on and see the brighter side of things. To forgive and forget."
Ting Ting was silent, but she was inclined to agree. Because all she wanted was for everyone to be happy.
"But I realise that I couldn't…" Ling sighed, running his finger through his hair and pulling it slightly at the root. "I couldn't hold this secret far longer…, especially from you." She looked at him. And she understood. Although Ling could lie through his teeth, he could never lie with his eyes.
"I'm sorry I never tell you about that mission. I don't want to worry you."
That moment, Ting Ting looked up to him, and the thought hit her. Just like Mulan had, she could've lost the man she loved that night too.
"But thank God you are alive," she said, voice trembling. "Because I can't imagine if you…" She swiftly wiped her tears with the sleeve of her hanfu. Ling brought his arm around her, and she leant into his chest, weeping.
"You know what. I know it is bad timing," Ling said, interrupting her thoughts. "I promised myself… if I make it out alive. I'm going to…." And before she knew it, he got on one knee, took her hand and kissed it. "Can I keep this hand and never let it go?"
"Yes…." She laughed as she wiped her tears. "Yes. YES!"
As Shao previously planned, he relinquished all the kingdom that was acquired during the reign of his uncle, Xiong-nu. Now that the people of Wei returned to "The Middle Kingdom", to build a good relationship, Mulan had suggested he and Zetian embark on a diplomatic tour to convince their previous subjects of their new status as their equals. To lighten the load of the new appointed Emperor, Ting Ting had offered to cover a few minor kingdoms so her brother didn't have to leave his pregnant wife for too long.
And still…that trip would take weeks to do.
Which now leaves Mulan alone with her thoughts.
Mulan laid on her bedroll in her quarter at the Palace of Wei, staring at the heavily muralled ceiling. This palace wasn't hers. It wasn't Shao's or Ting Ting's either really but they at least fit into it. In contrast, Mulan felt like a round peg in a square hole. Or maybe just a nameless courtesan in cheap but colourful shoes shoved into the lifestyle of the rich and famous.
She put most of her belongings into storage rather than bring them with her, which was odd because it's not like they didn't have the space. She just didn't think the reputation of the inhabitant of Wei Palace would benefit from her peasant robe and pass-me-down ruqun. But now she found she missed them.
She liked Shao. She loved his patience and kindness in their relationship. Not to mention a sister-in-law was an added bonus.
But sometimes she missed her old life, with the battered sofa and the tiny kitchen with not enough storage where she knew where everything was. The loud sound of falling kitchenware when her Grandma was supposed to prepare breakfast, the morning kisses from her dog, Little Brother, and the occasional shout from her father when he found out she had been scaring the neighbourhood bullies with his sword.
"Mulan!" a raspy but loud, powerful shriek cried out and an electric purple blur shot through the door towards her. She had no time to react. Within seconds, she felt skinny, familiar arms around her. She bounced Mulan like a ragdoll, rattling her teeth. "I missed you!"
Mulan pulled back to have a better view, and she saw the proud, exuberant face of her grandmother. Her brother and Father soon emerged albeit with a more subdued entrance.
"Baba! Ping!"
She rushed to the door, hugged them, and helped with their belonging. "What's the occasion?"
"Your Grandma wants to give you a surprise visit," explained her father. "She was worried you would be lonely."
"You better dress up quickly. The Prince of Wei is coming home soon!" Grandma Fa frantically gestured at Ping and Fa Zhou's travel-like outfit. "Hurry, you don't want to be mistaken as the maid!"
Ping groaned, "But we just arrived, even the tea hasn't been served yet!"
Mulan raised her brows at her Grandma. "Wait, you… you didn't really come here to see me… didn't you?"
Grandma Fa at least had the decency to look embarrassed as she fidgeted with her fingers in her lap. Mulan wanted to bang her head against something but with the headache she had, she wasn't so sure it wouldn't cause her head to split open. Then again, maybe that'd be an improvement.
"I know you didn't marry him out of love, but how can we pass the opportunity of handsome royal visit.."
"I get it," Mulan rushed in to change, not keen to hear where the conversation was heading.
"He hasn't seen you for weeks…. I bet he missed you," she said with a mischievous smirk. "By the way, I made your favourite mooncake with lotus filling." And she presented the delicacy. "I have another batch for Prince of Wei."
Mulan peered into the basket. It looked fine for the Fa's standard, which was quite low. "Will it poison me?"
Grandma Fa grinned. "Let's find out."
"If I die and the Palace council finds out. You'll be the first one they question with this attitude."
Grandma Fa cackled, "I'll risk it."
Hours later, they were at the gate of the Palace of Wei, heading back to the Forbidden City.
"It's a shame we can only meet your family for a few hours," Shao commented. "You should've invited them a few days earlier so they can spend time with you."
"Nevermind about me, my grandma clearly wants to spend time with you," Mulan highlighted.
Shao laughed, "She is quite a character."
"So, I take it the people in Palace treat you well?" He appraised her healthy appearance. It has been decided that Mulan should spend her pregnancy dwelling in Palace of Wei, far from the hub-hub of Forbidden City.
To be honest, she was bored. The maid did everything and with a dozen keen eunuch at her disposal, she barely even needed to lift a finger. However, she didn't want to hurt Shao's feelings by being ungrateful for his benevolence. "Yes, they were splendid.'
He reached for her hand, and squeezed it slightly. "That's good."
"So how's the meeting?" Mulan asked about the district meeting in Jiangsu, the first province to be granted autonomy.
Shao grunted, "Terrible, it lasted for five hours and we reached to no conclusion. I want to stab everyone there." Which was hardly surprising. These whole new… more democratic ways of governing would take years to get used to.
"Just please don't get blood on your clothes," she said calmly.
Shao snorted with a really fake disgust. "You are the Imperial Strategist. And also my wife! You should be condoning me."
She rolled her eyes. "I'm siding you and this what I get? You have no manner! Even more barbarian than the Huns!"
"Woah," he made a surprise face with his usual iconic acting skill that was beyond reproach. "And you… have a mouth that is deadlier than a blade."
She scrunched up her nose. "Too bad you married me." Before turning serious again. "So what ticked you so bad during the meeting?"
Shao took a long, heavy breath. "They just… agreed at every single decision I made. No debate. No opposition. Well, one of the two advisors had a thought, but ultimately… it is up to me. Seriously, it wasn't a discussion. It was a monologue."
"Dictatoristic at its finest," Mulan remarked. "Well, next time, include me or Zetian in your meeting. I am sure we can deliver the opposition you deserve."
Shao laughed, but suddenly gagged as he swallowed a piece of moon cake the Fa matriarch had packed for him.
"Spit it out," Mulan told him. "I won't even get offended."
Shao did as he was told. "Sorry to say this, but I think your grandma should just leave the kitchen to the maid," he said, taking the tea from Mulan's hand to wash the flavour off his tongue.
"Thank goodness the new maid is coming next week. Grandma Fa has always been a disaster in the kitchen," Mulan said with a little laugh. "If she tried to make us all breakfast, the village fire department would more than likely need to be summoned."
Shao scoffed. "...said the person who poisoned a prince with a bean bun and incinerated the Emperor councillor's tent into ashes."
"Shao, that's...that's been donkey years ago. You still begrudge me of that?" she said, pretending to sound harassed.
"No, I am just establishing where you get your apocalyptic cooking ability from."
"Hey!" She elbowed him sharply.
Shao smiled, recollecting the hint Grandma Fa was dropping about her taking care of the baby as soon as he or she was born so they could efficiently work-on their next one. "She is sweet though. In fact, a little too sweet and…"
"Forward?" Mulan finished for him. "Can't believe it! She wants me to get pregnant again while I haven't gotten over this one."
"But she has a point," Shao responded. "It's more fun to have siblings close in age. They can all play together. Look at me and Ting Ting. She barely could tell the difference between a bean bun and her own fist let alone play sword with me."
"Easy for you to say. You're not the one who's gonna end up looking like a panda who swallowed a gigantic boulder. And then your fashion critic sister would say…"
"Speaking of Ting Ting," Shao groaned again as he rifled through his agenda." Tomorrow, I think I won't be able to…"
"That's fine, " Mulan cut him, understanding there were more important priorities now that Shao had risen to the throne and bridal shopping for his little sister clearly not one of them."Why don't you go ahead with the ceremony in the Capital? Zetian won't be pleased if the banquet to celebrate our new Emperor misses the Emperor himself. Anyway, there is a lot of feminine activity that I would need to run through. I don't want you to feel left out."
"Are you trying to get rid of me?" he said, faking an insulted frown.
"The last time you joined us for shopping, you had done nothing but sit on the corner of the shops, drinking tea until your bladder hurt. Wedding shopping could be dreadfully long. This is how I show a bit of mercy to your kidney," she smiled at him. "I promise I won't miss the closing of the ceremony."
He pouted, "Fine."
But if he was really being honest, watching her try on some of the clothes and shoes or even selecting stuff for Ting Ting and their children had stirred something in him. He wrote it off as being a red-blooded male, nothing more. Any guy with a pulse would have felt aroused watching a beautiful woman like Mulan model for him.
"She got dress designers, event organiser, hairdresser, face painter… and Baoxi. Do you still have to do this?"
"I owe your sister for taking a few night shifts to take care of Wentai. Besides, you'd have to be a total grinch to hate all feminine stuff."
"True."
He put up a hand. "And don't forget to prepare one dress for yourself. Remember, you are my Consort now. Looking presentable at a royal wedding is a requirement."
"Right," she repeated. And smiled back at him. "I'm sure Ting Ting won't mind if I borrow one of her formal ruqun. I swear she has half of Xi'an market in that walk-in of hers. You could get lost in there."
"You know," Shao said sagely, "Knowing my sister, you need to walk on the top over her dead body to let you do that. Royalty does not recycle clothes. If Ting Ting is busy with her wedding preps, take Baoxi with you. But this time tells him to let you choose."
"Yeah," she replied, trying for a lighthearted tone. The Mulan of the past did love shopping, trapezing countless alleys with her mother, trying different robes, and indulging the feeling of silk that she could never afford to buy. But Mulan had done a lot of growing up since. And since the war, small things like shopping and other simple enjoyment of life seemed to be insignificant in comparison to saving million of multitudes whose life fate depended on a handful of powerful people like her and Shao.
"I know, I just… who wants headlines like 'the gold digger mistress wastes money on designer clothes while half of the Middle Kingdom starve'?"
"I am sure that's an exaggeration," he said. "Half of the Middle Kingdom doesn't starve."
"That's beside the point," she replied waving a hand, "It's bad optics. The country barely recovers from the aftermath of war."
"I am sure you'll be sensible in your spending," Shao replied with a grin. "But first thing first, we have to write to a few Generals. Inviting them for a dinner. At yours."
"At mine?"
"Yes, since this is our interested to pursue their approval," Shao turned to her. "Thus I beg you to look presentable that night. No sword or weapon-like accessories."
"I'm starting to feel like my only value is decorative," and proclaimed with a really airy, dainty voice. "Yes, I'm Fa-Mulan, the Emperor's trophy's wife."
He blinked. "W-what?"
Mulan couldn't hold her laugh at Shao's scandalised expression. "Sorry… sorry. I thought you are joking. I promised I'll try to look ornamental and not bored."
"Good."
Mulan smiled and promised herself that, unlike in her previous life, this time she'll be that good perfect bride.
So, Mulan was overslept. She would like to blame it on the pregnancy hormone that caused her to feel constant fatigue without actually doing any work other than breathing and eating. She had overslept, again! And despite having two hair dresses, and three servants to help her to get ready, she was late to attend the Emperor's ordination celebration. Even though the Emperor hadn't made his entrance, considering the main door was already shut, meant that her tardiness was royally unacceptable.
Thank goodness Baoxi told her before about the secret door concealed on the wall, used by servants and maids to gain access without looking too obvious.
Sneaking in, she swiftly attached herself to the back of a group of giggling girls—the kind she's never really had a lot in common with—and she could help but overhear how they plan how to meet and seduce Prince of Wei. Thankfully, no one was trying to engage in conversation with her, because it would be a mortally awkward situation. Praise be to Guan Kim when she immediately located Ting Ting at the other side of the room.
Minutes later the Prince of Wei made his grand entrance, which in contrast to hers, was hardly anonymous at all. There were lines of servants forming a line and bowed deeply to his feet as he walked past.
Shao Wei waved and saluted to a few foreign dignitaries, donning his princely persona firmly in place—smooth smile, lightly fitting robes and vaguely arrogant eyebrows.
Mulan marvelled for half a second on how she ended up in this life surrounded by powerful men.
"Consort Fa, you look stunning," he said as he approached. Mulan reflected for a second that despite the drinking, gambling and cheating he'd been known for in different parts of his life, his father really raised him well on the always remember to compliment a girl part.
"Thank you, Your Highness," Mulan said, accepting his hand when he offered to kiss it.
As the newly ordained ruler of Wei, Shao was playing the consummate host, trained from childhood to participate in politic-oriented small talk and remembered people's names. On the other hand, Mulan and Ting Ting were passing time by enjoying the mooncakes that are being circulated around the room.
"Red bean and plum," Ting Ting whispered softly without looking, "on your three o'clock."
Mulan immediately turned and headed in the direction of the tray in question.
"That's really more like four o'clock," she said, smiling demurely when she met the eyes of the servant.
"Be happy I was within an hour," Ting Ting said, using her untouched glass of wine to block anyone from seeing her lips. "I almost said nine."
"I'm not impressed with these lotus seeds ones," Mulan commented, "they're a little dry."
"The pastry is nice," Ting Ting replied.
"But the filling, it's dry and tasteless," Mulan insisted, even as she ate it whole. "They're not as good as yours."
"Is that a hint?" Ting Ting chuckled, smiling at her brother across the room and purposely ignoring the annoyed looks he kept on shooting in their direction.
"I'm just saying," Mulan replied, "if you ever wanted to open a bakery I'd be the first in line every day."
"I think looking like decorative dolls is a better long-term plan in this economy," Ting Ting smiled as she saw her brother approaching.
"Can you two focus?" Shao said testily.
"Brother, relax… this is supposed to be a banquet. A reception. Not a council meeting," Ting Ting remarked, ever the peacemaker.
"We don't need to be distracted," and he turned to Mulan as if chiding her. "This is a part of the package. As a royal couple, we have to make…"
"No," Mulan cut him, "We need to fit in and be unnoticeable and frankly people are staring to notice the fact that you, Prince Shao Wei, notorious party boy and despoiler of virgins, are neither drinking nor dancing nor eating mooncakes. People will talk." She meant it to be funny but there's more than a little truth to her words. Plenty of pretty girls have approached where he stood looking downright delicious in that formal robe of his.
Mulan spied a few of the girls now, standing with their heads close together and glancing over at Shao as they talked. They look predatory and for half a second she felt almost sorry for him.
A poor little prince that he was.
This all goes through her mind in the half second before Shao, in his most indignant tone repeated: "Despoiler of virgins?"
And then Mulan had Ting Ting's chuckled in his ear and Mulan had to take a bite of her mooncakes to help her muffle her own laughter.
"Seriously," Shao sounded a little insulted, "That's how you see me?"
"Nope," Mulan said happily, "But that's how they see you." She gestured with her glass across the room she saw him turn his head in the direction of the bloodthirsty virgins and then immediately turn his back on them.
"I do not see that ending well," Ting Ting quipped, sounding very amused. "But you are the Emperor….our sovereign supreme. Even when you think they are just a bimbo with no brain, you should at least give them a smile. Frowning is not good for your publication."
Shao grumbled, but he did what he was told, resulting in a gush of high-pitched giggles from those women's directions.
"Satisfied?" he glared at Ting Ting.
She snorted, "Count your blessing that you are married now. Remember, those girls used to cost you half of the palace budget," she counted with her fingers. "Dinner date, flowers, mooncakes, silk scarf, jade ring…"
"Now it can be used to fund his funeral," Mulan mouthed, glancing at those women who acted like hungry predators.
Shao was starting to seriously doubt he'll be able to play the part of one of the idle rich playboys for any real length of time. And each of those women was—at least in the eyes of the public—much more interesting and gossip-worthy than Fa Mulan. He hated the logic of it, but it's true. In these terms, Mulan was a nobody. No one knew what she had done for him, for them and for China. No one.
"Uh-huh, I sensed danger," Ting Ting elbowed Mulan lightly when a woman wrapped in kimono, cleavage spilling out of her v-neck, strode towards them. "Have to admit though, her asset is far bigger than yours."
Mulan rolled her eyes. "I'm trying not to feel rejected."
The woman approached, and bowed to Shao Wei. "My Emperor Highness."
"Lady Suiko," Shao replied as a way of introduction and gestured toward Mulan and Wei Ting. "I believe you know my sister, Princess Wei Xiu Ting and this is my wife… Consort Fa Mulan."
"I thought you aren't invited," Ting Ting remarked bluntly. But even those sharp comments weren't enough to damper the woman's enthusiasm.
"So, this is your new concubine?" she flicked her gaze to Shao Wei as if she wanted a different answer. "Ah… and the heir of Wei is on the way. How I am not surprised," she said with a smirk that hinted both derogatory and disgust.
Mulan had a sudden flash of sharks and blood in the water. But she understood any other catty comment came at a high risk of discovery, so she returned to her with a polite bow. "Thank you, My Lady. I covet your good wishes and prayer for the future of Wei."
"Tell me," she said, "How did you two meet?"
"The army wanted some advanced intel on the Huns' upcoming strategy. I wanted to impress my father, so… instead of just passively listening to my Generals, secretly, I seek for one of our most notable strategist's advice." It was not entirely a lie, but it wasn't the truth either. "But since Fa Zhou's wife was just passed away, I settle for the second best thing. Having his daughter."
Suiko glanced between Mulan and Ting Ting. "Your councilmen agreed?" It was no news that no women could work in the royal offices.
"Well no….if they knew. But I faked some papers and gave her… a more masculine identity."
"Romance blooms over political espionage," Ting Ting inserted with a dreamy sigh.
"A Chinese girl who pretended to be a man?" Suiko echoed, sceptically eyeing Shao Wei "You really expect me to buy that?"
"It's the truth," Shao shrugged, "but if you could avoid mentioning the part where I committed a crime to get a girl to anyone… I'd appreciate it. Now, don't you want to see Baoxi? He is dying to see you. I can take you to…"
"No, there is no need," she snapped at Shao while staring down at Mulan and her growing abdomen, "I can do that myself…. unlike someone who pretended to be weak to trick the prince into marrying her!" And she left abruptly.
Mulan knew she was the unpopular girl for stealing the attention of the most eligible bachelor of Wei, she didn't expect anyone to like her. But Suiko's animosity made Zetian's unfriendliness look pale in comparison.
"Who is she?"
"A girl I dated before," Shao answered, watching Suiko leave the room begrudgingly. "We… we had a history before."
"Yeap, run deeper than his other womanly affairs," Ting Ting added. "Even Altan didn't come as close."
"Really?" Mulan stared at Shao who fidgeted a little.
"Tell her!" Ting Ting urged.
"There is nothing to tell!" Shao barked. Ting Ting narrowed her eyes, crossing her arm. "If you won't then I…"
"We were engaged," he said quickly. Mulan stared at him, wide-eyed. But Shao refused to look at her as if he was…. ashamed of himself.
"Hence that mansion in Japan," Ting Ting explained. "It was a gift. An engagement gift. Alas… she left my brother for a wiser, older man."
Shao let an unhappy grunt. "Can we not talk about this?"
"Fine," Ting Ting dismissed it before turning to Mulan, linking her arm and whispered. "Please don't divorce this temperamental, broody brother of mine." With that, she went off gleefully to find more mooncakes and wines.
"You were…. engaged?" Mulan thought she was entitled to some information.
Shao willed a long, deep, breath and admitted pensively. "She was… my first. I was seventeen. She was sixteen when we met on my first trip to Japan. She was a daughter of a samurai. Our ship was badly hit by a storm. If it was not because of her ship and her crew, we've would've been dead."
"Wait, she is… a captain?"
"No, not exactly. The ship belonged to her father. And since no woman in Japan could lead men, she put her father's name as the captain, but truthfully… she was the one in charge."
So, Shao is easily attracted to strong women, Mulan made a mental note. While Altan was Shao's childhood friend, this deal with Suiko sounded like… a fairytale out of fabled legends. A prince who was enraptured by a heroine from an exotic land. It sounded unreal. It sounded amazing. Imagine, as a woman, being a protagonist in your own story and not as a helpless damsel in distress. No wonder Shao was enamoured.
And people said first love was the hardest to get over with.
"What… what happened?"
He looked over his shoulders, only to realise keen glances were trained on them. So he took her hand, excused themselves to the quiet courtyard.
"If you must know…," he exhaled. "Suiko won't move to China and want me to move to Japan instead. The mansion… was a gift, in the hope that I would settle and find another home in Japan. But, it was clear to me from the beginning that it never is, and it won't ever be. I can't leave my country… and I can't leave the throne. My home is here. So… we broke up," he said, couldn't avoid sounding a little broken. "But… we remained friends, visiting each other every other year."
They were quiet for a moment until Mulan spoke up. "Shao…don't you wish to marry for love?" And we both have nothing like this, she wanted to add. She felt awful to think that she had come in between not just Altan and Shao, but now a woman he was genuinely interested in.
Unexpectedly, his usual princely composure suddenly cracked. "You regret marrying me?"
"No… it's not that. But why don't you…"
"Because….because I cared for you, Fa Mulan." His eyes were glazed and his voice barely above a whisper.
In the months leading to a year, she'd never known Shao to be anything other than supremely confident, especially in his dealings with other people. It was part of what made him their future leader. While he still had a lot of technique to perfect, he exuded confidence and that was key. And to see him sounding defeated made her heart squeeze in her chest.
"I know you cared for me," she regarded him with grateful eyes. But how could she let this friendship get in a way of his happiness? "It's just… I've lived my life. I've been married, fallen in love, carry a child…. And I just…-I just want you to have a chance to live yours. Not ending with a fake relationship."
He reached up and stroked her cheek with a fingertip, gently as though she were made of porcelain. He wanted to say this, to let her know, I've married, fallen in love and I will raise a child. Your child. And I will live my life… with you in it. But instead, he just fell silent and smiled and said. "Maybe someday." And just like that, he closed the gap and landed a kiss on her lips. It was brief but felt warm and sincere.
Mulan froze. While they'd be posing as a couple for the general public, she thought the quiet moments between them would be strictly platonic. But recently, she began to notice: the way he held her, the way he bestowed an affectionate stare on her, the stolen moment when he kissed her… and she began to suspect that Shao had a different idea.
Had something changed between them?
She had never considered… or allowed anyone to be part of her love life again. All this time, Li Shang was her own personal singularity. Back when she loved him, the pull he had over her felt dramatic, epic - the sort of connection sung about in songs. An all-encompassing love.
But now, when almost all her feelings are built on nostalgia rather than affection, she could see it for the unhealthy thing it was. But still, allowing that kind of kiss with someone else felt a little like….betrayal.
"Mulan?"
"Huh?" she gasped, a little flustered.
"You okay? It's looked like you've seen a ghost….and ate too much Szechuan pepper at the same time."
Well, yeah. If the ghost was a freakin hot royalty who was also your fake husband… acting not so fake.
"Is this because of… that kiss?"
Yes, of course, you idiot. "No."
Shao eyed her critically. "You never kissed anyone?"
It's an obvious bait, but Mulan fell for it anyways. "Of course, I've kissed someone," she protested automatically. "I am the one with two husbands."
Shao snorted, "Sure you have." And zoomed in on her face a little too close that she flinched. "Was any of that a good kiss though?"
Their wedding kiss was definitely out of question, then Shang nearly kissed Ping… then they kissed when they were drunk and led to savage tryst at the… but no. She couldn't tell Shao that.
"I thought your mother-in-law taught you everything. Sewing, cooking… lovemaking…surely, she can't just skip…"
"She only taught practical skill," Mulan blurted out, avoiding eye contact.
"But you read books! I am sure there are scrolls about that!"
Mulan rolled her eyes. "Yeah, maybe try the Palace Library, Your Highness."
Shao blinked. He was astonished by the scantiness of her pre-mating ritual. Hell, she probably knew martial arts far better than martial arts. "Geez, for someone who can solve complicated mathematical equations, I can't believe you are so… so dense. You honestly had never had a… good make-out session?"
"Ah.. no wonder, " Shao said, reading her silent reaction. "Don't feel bad if you haven't. Mulan squinted her eyes, scrutinising him. "As if you have?"
Shao shrugged, acting a little smug. "I'll have you know that as the only available bachelor of Wei, I had my fair share of lady friends. They clearly liked me. So…"
"Poor girls."
"Maybe, but that's their choice." He angled one finger over at her. "However…You, my lady, are missing out. But not to worry. It's your lucky day because I might just teach you how…," he stopped himself, the mischievous flirty grin returned to his face. "Because an Emperor can't have a wife who kisses like a fish." And without missing a beat, he leant forward, capturing her with his lips, more slowly and insistently this time.
Mulan found herself unable to turn it down and naturally reciprocate the gesture. Was this just a flirt? A show? Or was this for real?
Heaven helped him. Because she's likely to break his heart into thousand pieces.
Mulan couldn't sleep that night. Even when her bed was lined with premium goose feathers and made from the finest mulberry silk in the province. Not after that intense kiss with supposedly platonic-friend-with-benefit (not that kind of benefit! You perv!) The thought gave Mulan pause as she attempted to evaluate the prince's behaviour. Had he… fallen in love with her?
She refrained from scoffing at her own thoughts. It was ludicrous. Shao Wei was a handsome man, more so a prince! There would be a throng of beautiful virgins that willingly waltzed and swooned into his arms, and thus the likelihood he would impart genuine affection to her was perfectly laughable.
While Mulan was aware that she was not ugly by any means, she was also aware that she was nowhere near the physical perfection one would expect of a royal. But the truth of the matter was, no one should reject the advancement of a prince, she should consider his adoration for her as an honour, a completely unexpected blessing.
And there was the crux, for she did genuinely care for this man - in a platonic term. Shao Wei had been her oldest and dearest compatriot in this training. Although Ling, Chien-Po and Yao care for her welfare, and despite Shao Wei's previous preconceived notion, the man had proven to surpass her expectation. He never verbally told her anything but his action was enough evidence to imply what he felt.
Were they best friends who were falling in love? It might sound perfect. But love never needed to be perfect. It just needed to be… true.
How can love be true in a relationship that was based on a lie? She mused. Wasting no more time in energy-sapping dilemma, she decided to freshen herself up by taking an early bath and heading to one of the palace towers where she was able to see the city skyline.
Mulan always wondered how Chang'an may look on the eve of the Lunar New Year. There was a certain feeling of rejuvenation that permeated in the air. Even in the most humdrum weeks brought the throng of people, soldiers, officials, bandits and drunken cohorts alike. The point was, that the busy street was getting even busier. The tree, building and shrine were festooned with lanterns and bedecked with red ornaments.
"There you are," said a familiar voice. When Mulan turned, she was faced with her sister-in-law, looking as effortlessly beautiful as usual. "You are alone? Where is Shao?"
"Oh… I think all he needs is some extra time in bed," Mulan said, off-hand. "He is just a little worn…"
Wei Ting raised her eyebrows. "I'm sure that's all he needs," she hinted with a complicit smile and a look that spoke volumes.
"Oh my god," Mulan groaned. "I'm so sorry."
"No, it's okay. I'm totally adult enough to handle my brother having sex with his wife."
"But, I… I mean we didn't…"
"Honestly, safe the details. I am better off without them."
"Good, because I'm not old enough to handle how embarrassed I am." Quick, find some diversion! "So, why are you looking for me or your brother this early?"
"That's the thing," Ting Ting responded, looking a little panicked. "I feel like I look larger than I did yesterday. And my wedding is weeks away!"
"Maybe it's the dress. I have a certain dress that does that," Mulan placated. Because gaining weight was every bride-to-be's worst nightmare. Compulsory reassurance of body positivity was needed.
"I feel like a stuffed panda."
Mulan felt she was entitled to snicker because if there was anyone who understood how being fat felt like, an eight-month pregnant lady would be one of them. "You are not pregnant, Wei Ting."
"No, but after the dumpling binge, I looked pretty close."
A distant sound of drumming distracted their conversation. In the clearing, a few bare-chested men slid into the Dragon's costume preparing for the performance. Mulan's mind automatically drifted to Shang. He would normally rehearse his kung-fu moves at sunup, his silhouette moving fluidly with the sword in his hand. And the memory of his face, the manner of his smile, and the thrill of his touch? Touching him was like facing enemies on the battlefront. It was adrenaline and fear wrapped together in one perfect sync that made her knee weak like noodles.
Stop it! she rebuked herself. Inappropriate thoughts, especially considering she was still a newlywed to Shao. Maybe it was a pregnancy hormonal surge causing her temporal sexual insanity.
"This is my brother's most hated time of the year," Ting Ting said pensively. "It's about this time that our mother died."
Oh….
"For many years he would stay all night, drank himself senseless and gambled whatever existed in his quarter to the ground to bury the pain." She turned to Mulan and smiled. "But I'm glad this year it'll be different. He could sleep soundly at night, and wake up to this view….Because now he has you."
It suddenly hit her.
"How….long?" Mulan choked.
"What?"
"How long has Shao… liked me?"
Ting Ting let a faint gasp, before averting her gaze. "I don't know," she admitted, sounding strangely defeated. "I don't think even he knows."
"Why didn't he tell me?" Mulan pressed.
"Maybe he felt his feeling was… inappropriate. Because previously, there was another love interest involved in the equation."
Mulan drew a sharp, shaky breath. "You mean he has been keeping this feeling since…?"
"Mulan," Ting Ting spoke sternly, "I'm not making excuses for my brother, but none of us could put a break in our heart. No one knows who your heart will choose. And while my brother may be a champion at bragging and may have massive egos, he is also extremely fragile when it comes to the matters of the heart."
Mulan scoffed, "At least he can be honest with me."
"I know in many scenarios honesty is the best approach. But there is a time when the truth can do more damage than good. I am sure you know this firsthand. And now… now your situation has changed, why don't you…"
…give him a chance, Mulan finished in her head. "Ting Ting, I don't want to give him hope if I…"
"It doesn't matter if you don't love him. Or never love him," she interrupted quickly as if didn't want to hear Mulan's rejection outright. "My brother understands the risk," and she smiled somberly. "True love rarely has a happy ending… because true love has no ending."
Mulan was left speechless. Leaving someone waiting indefinitely sounded like the worst form of punishment. A Torture. But as much as she could deceive people around her, she couldn't deceive her heart. Her heart still longed for Shang, the impenetrable, unfeeling pillar of restraint and fortitude.
She still vividly remembered: the funeral with empty caskets because Shang's body had been lost to the element of the earth. The guilt that she hadn't been as good of a wife as she should have been and now it was too late to be different. The nights where she had laid awake just hoping everything was a mere nightmare and he'll come home. All her hopes and any belief she might have that Shang may still be alive had dried up like leaves in the fall as the days went by. But… she couldn't help clinging to the last little kernel of hope she had. Her love was still as fierce.
Although she had never shown it, every night, lying over in her bed, she mused over a man she was better off forgetting. Which was easier said than done because in her mind's eye, she could literally feel him. Right by her side. His strong arms, broad shoulders, thick thighs, large hands… The heat radiating from him was making her want to snuggle into his side and breathe him in.
"I think it is wise that you go home." Ting Ting said with a sigh.
"But this is home," Mulan replied, glancing at the spherical building behind her.
Ting Ting shook her head, pressing her lips together and gave her a look. "Our home. You haven't made this your home yet. Not quite."
It was why she felt so out of place here. Not just because of the size of the kitchen, the endless line of silk ruqun or ultra-posh beds. Since Shang's disappearance, Mulan had not stepped her foot back into Li's home - her home—to close the chapter of her life there.
"That way… you'll find peace." Ting Ting gave her hand a squeeze. "... and a closure… Only then you can embrace your new home."
Shortly after a day of travel, leaving the cacophony of the capital behind, Mulan was greeted with the sight of endless rice fields with a backdrop of rugged mountains. Baoxi had kindly offered his company, but Mulan wasn't ready for anyone to know this part of her yet. So she went only with two footmen.
She opened the window of her sedan to inhale the scent of spring blossom in the air, watching the lines of trees passed by, before resting her eyes on a house on the hill.
"Welcome, Consort Highness," greeted Mei Lan as Mulan entered the Li courtyard.
"Mei Lan," she said, giving the old maid a generous smile.
"You look well… and positively glowing," the woman gushed, returning her smile. "Congratulation by the way." Mei Lan's eyes discreetly rest on Mulan's growing bump. "I am happy for you and His Excellency."
Something inside her ached to just blurt out the truth, but she clamped her mouth and let the chance slip.
"Is Madam Li Yue available?"
"Yes, yes… she has been waiting."
"Your Consort Highness." It was odd to hear her ex-mother-in-law bow and addressed her reverently. "Thank you for coming in remembrance of my son's hundredth day of passing."
"The pleasure is mine."
"Please, do come in."
"Madam Li," she addressed her formally. "I'm sorry that I am only….able to see you now."
"Oh, don't worry. I was very much occupied with funeral matters. And… I suppose, you've been busy too?" she said, glancing towards Mulan's modest bump that was starting to show.
"I'm not trying to imply anything," Yue said. "I'm just… surprised."
Mulan looked away to hide the swell of bitterness that rose to her chest. Of course everyone with insider knowledge would do the math and know her pregnancy had happened while Shang was still on the frontline. And the fact that Shao rushed to marry her almost served as a silent admission that this child was his! Shao had been taking her to his bed while her husband, his right-hand man, was fighting and bleeding for the country.
"Oh, there's no judgement here," Yue said, almost as though she could hear her mind, "Please don't mistake me." She reached out and took her hand. "We have had our tears and grief, some losses have been more difficult than others. But at some point… both of us have to move on…and find our happiness. Ah, look at that," Yue said, "I'm getting poetic in my old age."
"So you don't… resent me?" Mulan replied quietly.
"Consort Highness…"
"Please, just 'Mulan'," she insisted.
"Mulan…" Yue began. "since my husband and my son died, I've been doing a lot of thinking," Yue admitted ruefully. "What would you like to drink? This could be long."
A few cups and a teapot brewing herbal tea were brought in. And many minutes later after a stack of old paintings was brought, Yue began her tale.
"This is my parents, a generation of Wen landowner," she showed Mulan a painting of a family photo of a couple and two girls, sitting in front of a massive house which was surrounded by peach trees. "We inherited a generous piece of land and a group of peach farmers up north of Xinjiang. We were quite well off and lived relatively comfortable, having plenty to eat and more than enough to wear. Until one day, a group of rebels invaded the land."
"They took everything that we had, the money, the land. Out of guilt, my father was trying so badly to keep all the farmers employed, and felt that he owed them those years of service. He spent all of our family fortunes. Until they had nothing left."
"One day, my mother came up with the idea of sending my sister and me to etiquette school and eventually sent us to the royal court for a chance at a better life. Xia, my sister, politely refused, but agreed to be my chaperone."
"I graduated with flying colours and numerous recommendations. When Forbidden City invited me, I thought it was my destiny to restore my family's honour as the Emperor's concubine. I learnt to sing, play musical instruments, dance and recited countless poems. But, despite all of my effort... the Emperor favoured my sister more."
"Now, you have to understand. My sister was the complete opposite of me. She was stubborn, witty, and an excellent horse rider and sword fighter. She was just as gallant as men and care very little about appearances, which perhaps made her fascinating to men," and Yue regarded her with a look Mulan couldn't quite read. "In a way, I saw a glimpse of her in you."
Mulan blinked. It all made sense now. "Is that why you dislike me at the beginning?"
"Perhaps, unknowingly," Yue admitted, chuckling lightly reminiscing all the torturous lessons she brought upon her. "I secretly admire Xia. But…a little bit envious too. But deep down, I was happy for her. I know she was, too, working hard to help our parents to save money to buy land elsewhere for the farmers to live. And I thought, here was our golden ticket..." Yue's mood gradually changed. "And then, one day the Emperor found that Xia had a secret lover. It was considered a highly offensive crime and served as a humiliation to the royal family. So she was imprisoned and set to be executed. At that time, I knew very little about her situation. My parents seemed to filter a lot of information and names. I just knew Xia escaped from prison, hiding somewhere unknown. Never to be seen."
"That was when our family fell from grace. So, when a newly appointed General Li Jiang asked for my hand in marriage, I couldn't think of a reason to say no… " Yue's grip tightened around her tea cup. "Only to find out years later that he asked me because he couldn't marry my sister."
"Why not?" Mulan couldn't resist asking.
Yue slowly released her grip on her cup, exhaling slowly. "Why marry a soldier when you have Emperor offering you part in his bed? Love is wonderful, but love alone won't buy you land, feed your people and take care of your family." So, Xia was trying to fulfil her filial duty only to realise she had to sacrifice her dream.
"She never told you anything?"
Yue shook her head slowly. "Neither did Jiang." She paused, looking down into her own hand."A year into marriage, I found her letter to Jiang in his office. At first, I felt betrayed…I was angry for being a fool so easily misled by the promise of marrying a gentleman. But you know what hurts the most? It was because all this while, my parents knew. They knew Jiang and Xia loved each other. I resented my father for keeping me in the dark. For keeping this secret about my sister's relationship, and for many other things that he failed to tell me. I spent decades hating my sister. Even after she's gone, I despise her for tearing our family apart, for robbing my chance to earn Jiang's love." She sighed again, taking a dainty sip of her tea. "To him, I was only his second choice."
None of the speech was deliberately aimed at her, Mulan knew this. But the words and setting were carved so perfectly it was almost like the gods had spoken. Had she been deliberately ignorant of Shao's advancement? Had she made use of his benevolence? Make use of him? Making him her second choice? A slice of guilt stabbed her chest. Why should she be loyal to Shao, a man who professed to love her as a woman? As his equal. Instead, she much rather dwelt in the past, thinking about a man she could never have.
"But lately I realised…I wasn't the victim of this tragedy," Yue said, voice relenting. "It was Shang. Because for years... I was his only mother figure to him. But how could I love when I don't even know what it really feels like? Shang learned quite quickly about my prefered method of parenting. He stopped attempting to crawl to my lap, striking some little conversation, or hanging onto my every word….I could see the thirst for motherly love and the zealous hunger for affection that I couldn't give. And I was relieved when he turned to Mei Lan for that sort of thing, for hugs, stories and comfort." A hint of disappointment coloured her voice. "His desire for her was still evident in his eyes for years, but that gradually faded as he discovered martial arts. Perhaps, by this time…Shang finally realized who his real mother was," she smiled bitterly. "He kept his distance since. That's for the best because...I don't deserve to be his mother."
"Mama Yue," Mulan told her kindly. "I'm sure Shang didn't feel that way."
"It's all right," she said, consoling herself. "All this while, I've been a fool. I was consumed with jealousy and hatred that I couldn't even focus on seeing the prospect of blessing and happiness gods have presented in front of me."
Mulan squirmed in her seat. Had she also been so blinded to see what kind of blessing presented in front of her?
"Secrets are dangerous," Yue continued. "You and I both know that they can break a marriage, tear a family apart. Honesty is temporarily painful but much better in the long term," she smiled somberly, voice breaking. "But yet, I found myself…unable to tell Shang the truth."
"I... I'm afraid I have not been truly honest to you," Mulan said with a small voice.
"Mulan," Yue said with a gentleness that Mulan had never heard coming out of her, "No one is entirely honest to their mother-in-law."
Mulan bit her lips, "What if this is more than lying about which dish I can cook or that my greatest weakness is my inability to stand messiness?"
"From what I recall you said your greatest weakness was a lack of ability to obey instructions," Yue retorted, amused. "Or was it men in uniform with perfect abs? Well, maybe we both aren't very different after all."
Mulan twisted the hem of her dress, mustering up the courage to confess. "This baby… is Shang." She could see Yue's eyes dilated and her mouth parted, an expression she had never seen of her impeccably elegant mother-in-law.
"Pardon?" Yue said almost a pitch too loud. "But…How? Wait, don't tell me yet. Mei-Lan!" she shouted. "Bring me the wine."
"Mama Yue, I'm afraid….I was not always living in my father's house," Mulan said hesitantly, watching Yue pour the wine into her cup. "During Shang's absence, I was…" her hands curled into fists. She's drawing in shallow breaths like she's on the verge of panic, but she squared her shoulders and soldiers on, and so, came the long saga and reason for her sudden nuptial to the Emperor.
Most of the wine ended up on the table instead of the cup.
"So… I've come here to take some of my belonging…and, to ask you for…your blessing," she cringed, because no one could ignore one's mother in law aghast expression and sudden wrath of hellfire that likely came after.
But strangely enough, despite her initial shock, Yue only countered with, "Oh, that," and composed herself, clearing her throat another generous gulp of wine.
Mulan waited with bated breath. After being second-classed by the Emperor and General Li, would Yue feel the same about her leaving her son for a prince?
"Given the same offer and circumstances, I would do the same thing as you. If it wasn't for myself, I'll do it for my family. So...who am I to judge you?" and she accelerated to the next quiz. "Now tell me, how that obnoxious prince treated you so far? He doesn't have a good track record with women."
Mulan's apprehension drained away and she smiled, "He treats me well, Mama Yue. Very well indeed."
"Right, just because he is a prince… doesn't mean he can treat you all he liked," Yue's countenance relaxed, in fact, an inexplicable glint of mischief flashed in her eyes. "But if he misbehaves, send him here. I'll give him a good 'ol etiquette lesson on how to treat my daughter. That will do him!"
It was said as a joke, Mulan knew it. (Although truthfully, Yue earned the credit making her somewhat look reasonably decorative and acceptably domesticated). But the thought that her mother-in-law still considered her part of her family worth defending was just… beyond her. Unfathomable! So she laughed and cried as hard, at the same time. Yue seemed to feel a little melancholic too, untypically friendly and laughing with her. Mulan blamed it on the wine.
"You are not… mad? I mean, I've been lying nearly the entire year," Mulan prompted, couldn't quite recognise this new upgraded version of evil mother-in-law who had turned into a fairy godmother.
"Mad? For what? No uppity nobles….even the Emperor can't replace my Shang! I'm sure you agree. He is only the newer, weaker, less attractive model." There was a beat of silence as they exchanged glances. I know you've done this for the love of our country. For the honour of your father. For the love of my Shang…. And I know you'll love his child, even more, her eyes quietly said. When the common understanding dissipated between them, they both laughed at Yue's terrible quip.
"Let's face it," Yue said again when Mulan wiped the last bit of tears ungracefully with the sleeve on her hanfu. "You are not the only bullheaded, ridiculous, incredible woman in all of China..." she grumbled, but it said with a warm, gentle tone.
Yes, because you are too… incredibly bullheaded, strong-willed, incredible woman, who didn't wallow and back down from a heartbreak, Mulan mused in her head.
And for a split second, as they both grinning like a lunatic, talking about men and their crazy endeavour and even crazier undertaking by their wives, Mulan felt like a new life was breathed back into her.
You just gain a mother, her brain informed her. And a mother understood what her daughter did not say.
That evening, Mulan braved herself to step back into the room she shared with Shang.
She saw their wedding pictures, still sat neatly by their bedside. She couldn't help but smile when she saw how stiff they looked, face flustered, holding hand awkwardly as though trying not to touch each other. Her mind was flooding with memories - their memories, every moment that she had believed him a little more, every moment that she had opened up her heart and let down her guard even more. She saw the way Shang was looking at her in the picture and realized that no matter how much they had changed… this was still the same. His possessive eyes, the firm grasp of his hand. He had always looked at her that way.
And then she a stash of scrolls on the top of his bedside table. She had almost forgotten those letters—her letters. Some of them Shang had never had the chance to make the reply he had promised and she had thought he had long since lost them or gone forgotten. There were a few new scrolls that appeared to be Shang's unfinished reply.
She smiled recognizing Shang's masculine strokes, his overly formal language and awkward sentence fragments to express his inner thoughts but her heart squeezed tightly when she realized she would never know what he was about to say.
Then she stepped closer to the bedside, her attention drawn to Shang's sleeping robe. She examined it warily—there was nothing special about it, in fact, it was rather poorly made—which was surprising considering a man at Shang's rank could afford to buy something with more finesse and finely made. She guessed a bedroom robe was never one of his priorities. She carefully slipped her arms into the robe. Shang's robe was comically large on her, the hemline hitting right above her knee. When she dropped her chin to tie the sash, she caught a whiff of his odour, and it did things to her. It made her think about things she should not be thinking about. Bittersweet memories that she tried to bury these past months.
Living at her father's house and then away in the city made her loss feel surreal. It was almost like Shang was just away on a long assignment, another long wait before she would be able to see him again like usual. But being here, staring at the vacant marital bedroom, making his departure felt… real.
He wasn't coming back.
It had been so long since she had been confronted with those memories, her life had taken a turn upwards and she was happy where she was now. Having Wentai to take care of, the thought of her unborn baby and her new role in the palace had been the one thing keeping her afloat, if she had lost him she had a feeling she would have drowned in her grief and regrets.
Li Yue gave her most of Shang's belongings including a small canister with Shang's initials for safekeeping.
"He wants you to have this," she said, inviting her into General Li's study room where she had lit a candle. "He asked me to give it to you if anything happened to him. Read it… when you are ready."
Her fingers trembled as she took the letter out of the canister. It was then that the memory of Shang had gripped her in a way she couldn't have expected.
Part of her knew that reading his will would be an unwelcome and unneeded reminder of the only man she hoped one day to be lucky enough to forget, but the other part of her was desperate to experience a little piece of him, even in a non-tangible form of words and thoughts.
To my wife, Mulan,
If you've received this letter, we both knew what has happened.
I am not a man of many words, but the things that you are going to read here are only for you and your eyes only.
Mulan, I knew from the start I could confide a lot of things to you. You are my wife, my companion….and most importantly, you understand me more than I care to admit.
As a soldier, my father had taught me to live and die for what we believe in, to protect those we love, and to strive for peace and justice. I had no regrets to follow this pledge and hopefully, I had made my father and every one of you proud.
I always envisioned myself dying on the battlefield….never to grow old, with my hair turning grey, my frame frail and weak… the slow kind of death. I viewed growing old as a sign of submission to uselessness, and retiring from the battlefield was an unwilling choice.
Until I met you.
Let me first apologise. I had never been proud of the way I treated you when we first met. There are simply no excuses for such unwarranted prejudice. I don't know whether I would ever forgive myself. I know, given the chance to say it, you'll accept my apology readily, because you are the kind of person I've always wanted to be—forgiving, compassionate, and courageous. And for this I finally understand. Your heart has made you a great hero, Mulan, even so, a greater friend.
Since you came into my life, you've taught me things I never have learned from my own training and decades of disciplined studies - like the value of honour and sacrifices beyond just fulfilling one's duty. You've shown me how to stay true to yourself and to fight for what you've believed in.
Your selflessness, forgiving spirit, unwitting positivity and benevolence had carved far and deep into the cold heart of mine. And I am deeply humbled and grateful to have a chance to share many moments together, and be able to call you my wife…. my home.
I could foresee that you would retell the story of a valiant captain in his fearless adventure against the Huns. But I wanted you to tell the world, the other side of me, the man that was full of spite, embitterment and bigotry towards you. The man that was full of insecurity and dying to prove his worth, the man that hid behind the shadow of hardcore-ness to trick others of what lying underneath was a fragile soul.
Mulan, I hope you remember me as I was - not just for the good and the better, but also for the bad and the worse. For that is the man that you know and care.
And if there is one other thing that I want you to do for me, was to take good care of Wentai. Despite being a distant mother, Li Yue had given me a chance in life, however imperfect, to feel some form of maternal love and affection. It's my deepest regret that I am not in the position of offering him the same privilege, and that's where I extended my plea to you.
Mulan, it is my wish that you won't ever need to read this letter, and that would mean that I'll be with you for the rest of my life….and I wouldn't have it any other way.
However, if you did read this - I could only apologise….for I can't be the one who could offer you words of consolation and provide a comforting hand. Truthfully, the thought of living a long life, the prospect of ageing….. growing frail and helpless isn't as frightening anymore, now that we've met.
And since these will be my last words, I guess it won't hurt to admit...
I love you, Fa Mulan, in this world and from the world beyond.
P.S: I wish we had more time.
Yours,
Li Shang.
She dashed back into her bedroom, completely ignoring her mother-in-law's puzzled look, and Mei Lan's concerned call. It took her a couple tries to get her key into the lock on her door. Her hands were shaking still and her eyes were beginning to blur with tears. She didn't want to cry over him again. If she could find something inside of her to douse the burning love she suffered over him, she would do so in a heartbeat.
Finding out about his confession hurt because it represented the life she couldn't have anymore, with anyone.
Mulan sat back and let all the emotion settle and coalesce in her mind.
Shang was in love with her. He had chosen her over Ping.
In love.
That word had never been mentioned out loud between the two of them. The moment she looked at herself in the mirror, her knees shook and she crumpled to the floor in a heap, finally letting out the sobs wracking her entire body, the cries coming straight from her gut… until she fell into an exhausted sleep.
Yes, the war had ended.
So was her life.