The following week at the Li family home was especially hard for Mulan. And to be surrounded by every single paraphernalia that screamed Shang's name from every corner of the property. Her silent suffering certainly not went unnoticed by Yue, who kindly offered her to visit her ancestral temple in the hope of respite.
"I haven't gone there for years," she told Mulan as they went their way. The journey lasted for half a day, and they spent a lot of time playing chess and indulging in various street food which Mulan found very much enjoyable.
"Oh, dear!" Yue exclaimed as she looked into her purse.
"What is it?"
"I think I've left my money in the inn."
"Don't worry," Mulan proudly tapped the side of her nose. "I brought some."
It turned out that Yue's family temple rested on the edge of the village of Wen, north of Xinjiang. The temple was small, looking tired and worn, but the heavy scent of incense that was hanging in the air indicated the heart of the temple was still going strong.
"Amitabha," greeted the priest. "Are you here to pray, ladies?" he handed some of the praying sticks.
"Yes," Yue accepted a handful, sharing them with Mulan. They went on praying in front of a few tombstones with names Mulan didn't recognize. She suspected it was Yue's parents, from which she was estranged for many years.
"Pray that you have many children," Yue breathed into her ears. "Don't waste your prayer on stupid things like world peace."
Mulan fought the desire to cringe. "Yes, Mother."
As they finished their rituals, Mulan noted the eyes of the priest trained on them.
"Are you…. Wen Yue?" he suddenly said.
Yue planted her stick on the ground in front of the tombstone, smiling at him. "You have an excellent memory, Master Xuan."
"Ah, how can I forget? You and your sister took some money from the offering bowl," he said grinning. Mulan gave her a look. All this while she thought of Yue as the exemplary, perfect woman that she strived to be. Perhaps she really didn't know her at all.
"Ah that," Yue chuckled, ignoring Mulan's staring at her with her jaw hanging. "My apology, I needed some coin to tip the rickshaw driver."
Mulan blinked as her mother-in-law and the priest laughed. She watched as the old priest and her mother-in-law exchanged pleasantries, and nodded politely when Yue introduced her as her daughter-in-law.
"I'm sorry to hear what happen to both your husband and your son," the priest said sincerely. "They were brave men. You must be proud of them."
Yue nodded, voice trembling but smile filled with pride. "I am."
"If you have a moment," he invited. "I have something for you. Come with me."
He ushered them inside, into his office, which was looking more like a hole in the wall, loitered with stacks of parchment. He bent down to look before pulling out a scroll from under one of the stacks. "Your parent's last will," he handed the canister. "I suppose to send this to you earlier. But I have no idea where you lived, hence… I'm sorry if this decades too late."
Yue took the scroll, not bothering to see what it was, and shove it into her bag.
"Don't you want to read it?" Mulan said as they quietly sat inside their transport back to the Li family home.
"Read what?"
"The scroll the priest gave you."
"No," Yue answered tersely without even looking at her. It was a silent cue for Mulan not to ever ask about it. So Mulan didn't.
"I still can't believe that you actually were wearing that rags in the court," Yue pointed out after a beat of silence.
Mulan looked down, scrutinizing the garment she wore. It was plain grey cotton with navy trimmings. It looked basic, yes, but she couldn't categorize it as rags?!
"You mean my casual clothes?" she spread her arms. "The fashion segment in the magazine told me this is the most versatile, serviceable type of garment that offers flexibility! The material is breathable, warm, and stain resistant. I can cook, train and sleep in this!"
"Mulan, people in the court want to see that you are able to match the status of the man you married to. Look at Lady Shin-Ye, she was a foreign princess… but she replaced her fur headdress and skin gilet with embroidered ruqun and jade hairpiece. If you remember how much Prince Shao adored his late mother…"
Mulan frowned. "Are you saying Prince Shao wait to marry his own mother? That sounded sexually confusing."
"Dear Guan-Kim, Mulan," Yue clicked her tongue. "You are a girl with a very active mind. I'm glad I know you in my older age, otherwise, I would've grounded you until you are married. No. Scrap it, until your daughters are married!"
"What if my daughters aren't the marrying kind?"
Yue's head jerked towards her. "What do you mean? Everyone will get married at some point in their lives... except you are a hermit or eunuch, there is no exception."
Mulan shrugged. "Yeah, but I'll let them do what they want... maybe going to school... get a degree..."
"School you said?"
"Isn't your etiquette school any fun? I heard there are various interesting extracurricular activities."
Yue feigned a disgusted scoff. "The only extracurricular I had was how to bathe my senile grandmother."
Mulan laughed. Yue rolled her eyes, but from the secret smirk she fought to hide, Mulan was quite certain it was Yue's attempt to humor her, to make a connection.
"Silly jokes aside, you need to go home," Yue told her. Yes, because it's been three weeks. But where was 'home'?
"You can't let a man waiting for you, let alone a prince."
Even though it was said in jest, Mulan figured out the statistical odd that she would marry a nobility was incredibly low. One did not have to be a mathematical genius to know that an average-looking peasant like her had a better chance to be hit by a canon than it was to marry a hot royalty.
"Mama Yue," Mulan said quietly. "Do you hate General Li and your sister?"
"There are days I hated them, wishing them no part in my life. But... there is time that I will do anything to bring them back. Xia was... stubborn, opinionated, brave and... attractive. I can't blame her for being who she was. But Li Jiang..." she sighed. "I dressed for him, I put makeup for him, I break my bones in the kitchen for him… I did things that I hate for him. Him! I told myself it was stupid, but I found I was spiraling down the same path every day wanting that… approval." She stopped there, pressing her lips together before confessing with a fragile voice. "He took a piece of me. A piece of who I am."
She didn't flinch when Mulan reached for her hand and squeezed it gently. "It's not too late to rediscover who you are."
And there was a long pause before she returned in kind and said in a quiet voice. " I'm sorry if I raised Shang wrongly and he ended up treating you the same way my husband did."
"Mama, you are just training a wife worthy of your son."
"I was. But maybe I shouldn't have been. Maybe I should let you be the wife you were meant to be, instead of telling you what you are. There are so many possibilities of becoming a great woman of the household, but I carve them out of your life and demanded you to be what I wanted…"
"Mama," Mulan stopped her, "I am proud of who I am, of who you… and my parents made me. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I thank you for all the effort you've spent on me, all time invested… it won't go in vain."
Her voice and expression were so sincere that Yue's chest strangled ache even more. Because of Mulan, she may yet be able to believe that even in a world full of betrayal and lies, there was still truth to be found.
The day had arrived for Mulan to leave the Li family home. Mei Lan was helping her pack up her clothes while Li Yue quietly prepared some food for the journey.
"Thank you," Mulan said to her mother-in-law as she followed her to the gate, "You had no reason to still accept me, or to care for me…but you did."
Yue paid her with a surprisingly somber smile. "Take care of yourself," she whispered, pulling Mulan in her arm. Mulan could feel her dampness spreading on her shoulder, so she returned her hug, a little tighter.
"You too."
When she cupped her cheek, Mulan couldn't stop her tears from falling.
People said that a good story was not a story that began with love and harmony but rather one that began with strife and struggle and ended with happiness. This, Zetian hoped, would be her story.
Zetian would lie if she said she had never had a little crush on his cousin, Shao Wei. She realized this when she was ten, and he was eight. He was already a spoilt little brat even back then, but he was also very handsome.
One day she contracted chicken pox, albeit very mildly, but enough to cause havoc in the entire harem. She was their beloved crown princess after all. Shao came to her quarter, sneaking during his lunch break because obviously she was on strict quarantine and he was never allowed to see her. He had come to offer her some of his candied peaches and she thought the gesture was rather sweet.
But that was a rare occasion. The majority of the time, both of them were not getting along. As kids, throwing insults at each other, called names, and threatened to break each other noses. The maidservants, the eunuch, and the palace bodyguards were all so used to both of their bickering antics. They merely responded with a roll of eyes, shaking their head, to complete ignorance.
There were a lot of petty reasons for their disagreement, it was normally picked up from a harmless teasing that could escalate into something more dramatic like pulling hairs or arm pinching. Nobility could be a wild animal sometimes. As a little kid, Zetian couldn't even comprehend her animosity towards Shao, only when she was older she understood it rooted down to some level of jealousy over the attention and favoritism her father made over him.
"My Prince, you shouldn't call Princess Zetian ugly," one of the maids said when she and Shao were involved in a fierce 'who is the ugliest nobles' battle.
He scoffed, crossing his arm and turning his head.
"She might be your wife someday. You don't want to have an ugly wife, don't you?"
Shao looked surprised. No, in fact, he looked like someone just lobbed his head with a boulder. She hated him for it.
"No," he shrieked like his usual spoilt self. "I don't want to marry Zetian. She is stupid!"
"She isn't," the maidservant patiently tried to reprimand him for his unprincely behavior. "She is nearly finished with her etiquette school. And she got distinction in math and calligraphy."
"Calligraphy is useless," Shao wrinkled his nose, blowing raspberries toward her. Zetian ignored him although her chest felt like it was about to explode.
"My Prince, Princess Zetian is the crown princess. You won't be Emperor without her. And she won't be an Empress without a noble prince like you." Zetian knew the maid meant nothing serious, it was only an empty phrase cajoling a tantrum-prone eight-year-old to behave. But the truth struck her: she won't ever be free from him.
Although on the surface Shao was mean to her, when all the walls were down and her world was crumbling apart, he was there for her. Like the time when her mother died of smallpox. Zetian remembered with vivid clarity that Shao was there, in the corner of her room. He didn't say much, only asking permission from the Emperor that he could stay in her room to accompany her that night. And when he couldn't sleep, he sat by her bedside and held her hand until he fell asleep. She hated it when he was being nice to her, but it felt good.
The night after his mother died, Shao changed. He was still one spoilt, unthankful little prick, but he stopped being a nuisance to everyone around him, well almost everyone except her.
Shao learned the art of sweet talk and grew a skill of seduction. He slept with countless women and held extravagant soirees. However, despite his philandering habit, she was the only woman he had never tried to flirt with. He still acted the same around her, throwing verbal jabs and being his obnoxious self. Zetian didn't know whether it that because he didn't see her as spouse material or he was comfortable being himself around her.
The news of the young Prince of Wei who gambled openly in the Forbidden City spread like wildfire. His behavior was so appalling that Prince Wei Zhang sent him to Japan to learn swordsmanship from his samurai friend, hoping that the old veteran would instill some discipline and a sense of responsibility in his immature son. But the result was far more than desirable. Yes, Shao had become slightly more mature and thoughtful about his life. He came back from the trip a new man, with a new woman in his arms.
At that moment in time, Zetian was envious. She was envious of Suiko who effortlessly mend the damaged Chinese prince. She even gave him a new soul! She was envious of Shao Wei, for he seemed to be able to get everything in his life: her father's affection, a dotting little sister, and a perfect love life. She always said she hated him, but she didn't understand why the thought of Shao having someone else hurt her.
Zetian thought she would resent Suiko as much as she resented Shao. But Suiko was nothing like she imagined. For a start, she wasn't at all pretty. If it was not because her amazing curve and a good sense of fashion, she looked like an average working-class woman. Her hands were calloused from the combination of housework and sword practice. Her skin was glowing tan from spending lots of time fishing in the vast sea of Japan. She and her father lived in the small port town of Yokohama, the family had been trading tea for years. She had a lot of stories, of amazing places to visit, culinary adventures to indulge in, and people to meet. Zetian thought she had never seen someone so confident, and so… alive.
They became friends.
"You liked him," Suiko pointed out one day. One thing she learned lacking about Suiko was the absence of brain to mouth filter. "You have a crush on Prince Shao Wei," she said directly to her face. It was a confession that Zetian never dared to verbalize. Thankfully Suiko didn't seem to mind that someone else had a crush on her boyfriend. She believed that everyone was entitled to their own feeling.
"We loathe each other," Zetian denied. "Very much. Have you not seen it?"
Suiko waved her hand dismissively. "There is a very thin line between love and hate. So thin that sometimes people can't tell the difference."
She hated it when Suiko was right.
"It's inevitable there are no other men in the Harem but the eunuch," was the excuse for her lack of choices.
"Oh, come on! You need a little bit proactive," Suiko snorted. "You are a princess, and you are pretty. There's bound to be an interesting adventure with men. Free tonight? Dress nicely, but nothing too flashy and let's go hit the town! I know a very good tea house that you'll like!"
By the sound of it, seemed like this wasn't Suiko's first adventure downtown.
"You mean us just meeting men without any escort?" Zetian couldn't even imagine the idea. No one in the Harem would approve. "Normally I would have my sisters with me," Suiko replied with a lopsided smirk. "Now, you can pick a few ladies in waiting to join us. They too can join the fun."
"But… how about the guards? I can't go to town without…"
"I got my samurai sword. Anyone come invading your personal space without permission…" and she made a quick slashing movement.
It was an appealing suggestion. Of course, Zetian had been to the city center many times over, but without the guards? Freely mingling with the crowds and browsing stuff like normal people? The more she thought about it, the better it sounded in her own head.
"So…?"
"I know a secret exit," Zetian immediately answered, recalling her father ever told her about a concealed exit from the far side of the Emperor's garden in the case of invasion. Suiko smiled, and she was undoubtedly the best bodyguard a girl could've asked for.
Zetian couldn't help but admire her, especially when Suiko decided her path was not to marry a rich prince who lived under his uncle's thumb. How could she be so… certain?
"Are you sure you don't want to move here with me? We can hit the town every weekend together," she stated when Suiko came again the following year.
"I can live here and visit you all the time if I wanted, I don't need to marry Shao to do that," Suiko laughed. Because she was her friend, friends would conquer the sea and mountains for each other.
"Don't let any man decide how you lived," Suiko whispered to her ear as she bid her farewell to return back to Japan. "You need to pick your own battle, take control….write your own destiny."
The secret journey downtown was far more enjoyable than Zetian had expected. As people said: stolen water is sweet and bread that is eaten in secret tastes a hundred times better.
It was until it wasn't.
It was autumn and in the market, the merchants were just setting up. Zetian strolled through, buying dates, rice cakes, and sweet bean bun, some for herself and for Baoxi. She wondered fleetingly what kind of sweet Shao might enjoy, but she shook the notion from her mind.
She stopped by the tea house that she and Suiko frequented, chatting to a few people who clearly were oblivious to who she was. She puttered around the small alleyways that sold silk scarf and slippers. Nothing matched the standard of what she used to see in the palace, but she still found the experience therapeutic. She passed by children walking alongside their parents, the mother carried a baby in her arm, a couple holding hands, and a bunch of ladies giggled and chattered as they sat around a pot of tea. This was the life's little gift that Suiko had to resuscitate out of her, a simple pleasure in life.
Suddenly a splash of color hit her eyes. Peeking down a quiet alley, she saw the most beautiful mural had been painted there. She followed the twirling design of the purple, green and blue scales of the dragon down to the length of the wall and stopped at the sight of a golden phoenix with red and yellow feathers. She stretched out her hand to admire the aching detail of each feather when she heard a voice behind her.
"Hey, sweetie."
She was startled and turned. A large man, with buff arms, in his fifties, looking down at her in a way that made her blood freeze in her veins.
"Ah, what's in your basket?"
Zetian inched a step further. "Sweets."
"Hmmm…" he responded, clearly not interested in her sweets, more like her chest. Unconsciously, she placed her arms there, clenching the fabric tightly. "What do you want?"
The man smirked smugly, and move closer, blocking all of her escape routes. "I think you know what I want." All sorts of alarms blaring her mind. She began to panic. There was no one there, it was useless to scream but she won't be defeated without trying.
Just as she opened her mouth, the man covered it with his large hand. She struggled free herself but ended up stumbled back against the wall, rice cakes, sweets, and dates tumbled out unto the pavement.
He pinned her against the wall, encased her with his thick arm, and shoved a little piece of rags into her mouth. "Come on…" he purred. "It'll be faster if you comply."
His hand wandered up her leg, lifting the hem of her hanfu.
No. Tears were falling. No… not like this. She was certain he was going to violate her, perhaps leaving her for dead.
Life flashed before her eyes, she remembered her father, Baoxi…. Shao, would he care if she died like this? But then she thought about Suiko's words, about not letting anyone write her destiny, about picking her own battle and taking control. An eruption of rage suddenly passed through her, her body felt hot as if she was made of fire. With all the strength she could muster, she pulled one of her free hands and scratch his face, puncturing one of his eyes. He yelped, holding on to his now bleeding eye.
He stared at her, a little surprised that she could pull such a stunt. He grabbed her on the neck, strangulating her. "You little bi…"
And everything went dark.
When she opened her eyes again she found herself staring at an unfamiliar ceiling, laying in an unfamiliar bed, with an unfamiliar face of a man peering down at her.
"Where am I?" she gasped, unconsciously pulling her blanket up her chest, frightened "And… who are you?"
The man in question chuckled and shook his head. He was wearing a strangely bright-colored robe with a bizarrely unmatching-colored sash. He had intimidatingly glassy grey eyes, but he wasn't even looking at her, he was just staring blankly even though he was facing her. "I believe what you are saying are 'thank' and 'you'".
She didn't answer immediately because her fingertips grazed on the part of her neck that was wrapped with a thin bandage soaked in medicinal herbs.
"I was nearby when I heard a ruckus from the back window," he explained. "I thought it was some drunkard that try to vandalize the wall." He turned around and returned to her side with a cup of warm tea, a plate of warm bean bun, and her bag.
"You.. you are hurt too," Zetian gasped when she saw a fresh bandage on the man's right shoulder, running into his chest.
"Oh, don't worry, the cut wasn't that deep," he waved off her concern. "That thug wasn't going down without a fight."
Zetian couldn't judge whether her savior was just playing it down so she stop worrying or he was telling the truth. But not knowing the man so well, she let it slip.
"There are a few cases around here of rape and abduction, mostly young women. You shouldn't be walking around the alleyway alone."
Zetian mouthed her gratitude, and politely offered her savior some financial reward which the man refused.
"Where is your house? It's getting dark, I better take you home," he said after she polished five bean bun in record time. Stress must make her hungry to even consider what if this stranger had put poison or drugs inside them.
When she gazed outside, the moon was peeking through the window. Overcome by her instinct to get back into the palace before her father send a search party, she flung her leg, readying to leave, but a sharp pain bit her leg.
"Easy there," he rushed to help her stand. "You've sprained your ankle."
She cursed herself, her stupidity and carelessness for compromising her safety over trivial, shortlived indulgence. Now she might have to explain herself to her father.
But this man clearly already had another plan. Nonchalantly, he scoop her off the bed and carried her bridal style. "Wha… wait!"
He made a loud 'oomph' noise as if he was pressed by her weight, to which she blushed abasedly, "You don't have to do this. You are injured!" she pointed at his chest. "I can call someone to…"
He laughed and made his grey eyes twinkle with mischief. "I'm only messing with you. You weigh just fine...even after that five-bean bun. And I've told you just now, my wound is just a small scratch. Now, just give me direction."
She hesitated for a moment, not knowing how he reacted if he knew where her 'home' exactly was but eventually complied.
They chatted pleasantly as he carried her.
Yan Shu was his name. He was a son of a farmer, oldest of the seven siblings. His father died when he was twelve and he had to stop schooling in order to earn his family a living.
"So where is your family?" she asked, noticing his small dwelling was rather spartan. He was certainly living alone.
"In the village. I work here in Chang'an and send some money home."
When he was about to question her in return, she deftly deflected by saying she would tell him the next time they met.
"Are you saying... we will meet again?" he asked dumbly, which was rather ridiculous coming out of a big grown man that reminded her a bit of the palace executioner.
"You mind?"
"Oh… no, no. Just… just don't understand how a girl as nice as you would want to…"
"Stop it," she poked his chest with her finger. He flinched and nearly dropped her, she shrieked and an instant laugh broke on his lips, lighting up his rough feature. He, in fact, looked… kind… and honest. Those eyes were different from the eyes of people she saw in court, eyes that hid behind lies, motives, and agendas.
As Yan Shu narrated, he held several jobs. He would wake up early to help a few merchants unload their goods from the riverside. And in the afternoon he would head to the river and help local farmers take water for their flocks. His skin was tan from working too much under the sun and his hair was tied into a messy bun as if he didn't care how he looked. He got a knife scar on his cheek and his upper lips that gave him a rugged vibe. He has great stature, perhaps as tall as Shao Wei, maybe as good looking too if not because of unkempt hair and unfashionable way of dressing.
"Here, my house is on the left there," she told him. "You can leave me here, and I…" A sudden rush of footfall came towards her. A familiar figure of a man in a formal gown rushed and fell on his face.
"Princess! I've been so worried!"
Zetian could feel Yan Shu stiffened at the appellative, which was expected.
Baoxi stood up and swiftly stretched his hand towards her. "Ouch!" he screeched when Yan Shu's foot blocked him and pinned him to the ground. The motion was so swift and precise as if it was muscle memory.
"Baoxi, I am fine. This man has to take care of me and… " She turned to Yan Shu and said kindly. "Thank you, I owe you my life this day. I'll be fine. This is Baoxi, my servant."
Only then he handed her carefully.
Thanks!" Baoxi said with a glare. He took one of Zetain's arms around his neck to help her to stand without pressing her weight on her injured foot.
"Until we meet again," she whispered as she tiptoed to peck Yan Shu's cheek. It was brief, nothing romantic or sort. It was merely a show of deep gratitude to a stranger she had come to trust. But enough to make his face red as red as his sash. The idea of someone being voluntarily protective of her, not because he was paid or commanded to, sent warmth to her chest. He was just like her guardian warrior. She liked that idea, almost like having a protective big brother.
"How did he do that?" Baoxi turned to her as they walked side by side to the secret entrance of the Forbidden Palace as she expounded to him her epic adventure of the day.
"Do...what? Pinning you?"
"No. He nursed you, walked you home to unfamiliar road… and yes… pinning me," he said the last bit with a fake frown. But when his feigned sarcasm was met with her knotted brow, so he said. "Princess, don't you notice? Yan Shu is blind!"
The event on that fateful day was indeed a close call, but Zetian considered it a blessing—a blessing that enabled her to meet Yan Shu.
"Why don't you tell me from the start?" she reprimanded him the next time they met.
"That I was blind?"
"Yes!" she said a little too loud.
"I might have no gift of sight, but I am blessed with a heightened sense of touch, hearing, and smell. Like I can feel what's actually underneath or around an object by lightly touching the surface. In fact, it was so vivid I can picture them in my head." He placed his palm on the table and tapped the surface and paused for a while to feel the vibration. "One teapot, two cups, and three plates."
"Most impressive," Zetian praised. Then she remembered he held her, carried her, perhaps inadvertently grazed her garment while applying the herb around her neck…
"Don't worry Princess, I did not touch anything above your chest," he said with a smirk. "Even if I was, I won't ever tell you what I made up of it."
She swatted him on his chest. "Please remind me to never let you touch me."
He said that he was not completely blind, that he still could make out of shadows on a bright day. He said this a lot to many people. He didn't want people to pity him or treat him any differently. He wanted to work hard and earned an honest living just like anyone else.
He gradually lost his sight at the age of six after a month of illness. A few martial artists who often passed by his village offered to teach him how to 'see' his surrounding with his other senses.
"I can find you an easier job. Working in a dock all day is backbreaking… and mentally unstimulating," Zetian said, crinkling her nose, imagining the banality of doing brainless, repetitive stuff under the heat of the sun. "You are a fast learner, Yan Shu. You've learned herbal names by heart. You've acquired impressive skills from the Kung Fu master. I'm sure there is a better use of those muscles and brain combined. So let me…"
"Princess," he stopped her. "I'm grateful for your offer. But I'm happy where I am. No, in fact, I am contented. I am paid enough… and I'm not doing mundane work all day. Did I tell you what I do on weekend? I am giving free martial arts lessons to kids in school. Imagine a bunch of uncontrollable, noisy children, how can I be bored with that?"
There was a warm admiration spreading in her chest for how genuine and brave this man was. Not only that, he certainly saw the world differently untainted by covetousness and betrayal. How she wished she could find this kind of honest, selfless man in half of her councilor and official, China would've been a different place to live.
Exactly a year later, the merchant dock by the river was burnt in an accident. Unwilling to let her new friend stress over his financial dilemma, Zetian asked her father to hire him as her escort. The Emperor loved his daughter, but having a blind man as a guard was as good as nothing. He only acquiescence after General Li cajoled him into it, saying he would make sure Yan Shu's ability was up to his standard.
The night she intercepted the letter from Altan, Zetian locked herself in her room. There was a lot of rumor about Princes of Wei's conspiration to steal the throne from her father, but she never thought Shao had a gut to actually did it. She commanded Baoxi that no one should come in. As usual, everyone adhered to her request, all but one. Yan Shu came rushing through the door, barging through hapless Baoxi who he pushed like a paper doll.
"Princess!" he knelt in the doorway but immediately move closer toward her bedside where she sat. Even though he couldn't see, he knew she had been crying when he touched her face.
She desperately wanted to tell him, to let him share her burden of a betrayal by someone she knew all her life. She knew Yan Shu would believe her, even without any proof. He was one honest, loyal man. But she couldn't let him. Because the second he did, he would undoubtedly kill Shao and be killed for the act of treason for it.
She bit her lip, afraid of what she would let off. "What's wrong? Did someone hurt you?" She kept staring at him, wide-eyed, desperately praying her mouth won't get ahead of her emotion.
"It was just a bad dream," she said finally, knowing Yan Shu would press the truth out of her if she said she was fine. No, she didn't want Yan Shu to die for her. Her father's life was hanging in a balance, and she didn't think she would survive losing another.
Yan-Shu didn't seem to buy her lie, yet he didn't question her. He inched closer so he could reach her hand and held it. "I am your bodyguard. Keeping you safe is my job," he said soothingly. "Even from your nightmare."
It was the nightmare of worse crafting.
The night the Emperor died, she was rushing to come home from her annual sojourn to her mother's grave, and not to her father's coffin, but to a room full of generals.
"We must enthrone the new Emperor. A country without a leader is at its weakest and prone to attacks," Master Peng said, looking at her as though she had any other option for the man that would be her Emperor and husband.
It was an obvious choice, after Prince Wei Zhang's exile, there was no candidate left but one. She shut her eyes as she pressed the seal of her ring on the hot wax above Shao Wei's name. She pressed it too hard that she nearly burnt her finger.
The next day, Shao was there. He didn't pretend to look sad but at least he was sympathetic. He accompanied her quietly as she wander in the garden, and offered her tea, just like he did when her mother died. She let him. She has to let him because Yan Shu was there. Just like the maidservants and the eunuch, Yan Shu had shipped two of them from the day he took his oath and vowed to protect her. To protect them.
When strolling in the garden, she passed her old classroom. Her father's office was just adjacent to it. Memories came spilling and she couldn't hold her cry. Shao placed his hand on the small of her back, rubbing it soothingly. She tried hard not to flinch.
"As long as I lived, I'll make this person pay for what she did," Yan Shu vowed through gritted teeth. His chest was heaving and there was a fierceness in him that she'd never seen before. She wondered whether Yan Shu's threat caused a chill down Shao's spine. But Shao just look unfazed, his hand never left her back. He was always the better actor of the two, so it was hard to say.
"Thank you," she said, acknowledging Yan Shu's sincerity. And after such a thing happened to the Emperor, it was only logical for her to be fearful for her life. Whether it was Shao Wei or his father who aided the Altansarnai with the palace's map, this foreign princess who detested them knew where they sleep in bed at night.
"Yan Shu, would you sleep in front of my room and guard my door tonight?"
"Yes," he said without a single thought of consideration. "Of course."
His grey eyes were intense, and she never wanted to look away. Yan Shu made her feel safe when she thought she'd never feel that way again.
Shao knew he was not fit to be a regent due to his own poor life choices. He wasn't inherently stupid, but stupid enough to waste most of his precious chance to learn to be a better ruler. As children, he couldn't help but admire Zetian and how astonishingly mature and focused in a way he'd never mastered. Zetian always came across as patient and soft-spoken, but she was secretly calculative and hold much knowledge of secrets he didn't even dare to count.
Shao had always been social, but it was all superficial. His friends were just listening to him because on the resume, he was the future beholder of the throne. But Zetian, even as a girl, when she gave suggestions, people wanted to listen to her. She was someone that people wanted to indulge in, and he remembered all manner of nobles and servants bending to her requests.
After his mother died, Shao began actively despising his uncle. In his eyes, his uncle was the cause of his broken family. In the process, he wanted to hate Zetian too, to resent her for saying her father was nothing but a good man who put his country and his people first. But just as he was there for her when her mother died, so she was there for him. And as if that wasn't enough, she was there countless times when he was too inebriated to make it into his room, when his senseless shouting and drunken threat scared all the maidservants. She was there, throwing angry words at him, but her longsuffering hands said otherwise.
She helped him to pull him out of his darkness. And what he had done in return?
He killed her father and forced her to be his wife. He got what he wanted.
Zetian had always assumed she won't marry for love anyway, he reasoned. He promised himself that he'll be good to her, to leave her alone and never bother her. But he didn't understand why he was feeling oddly conflicted.
As much as Zetian didn't want to marry a man who usurp her father's throne, she knew in the politics of the royal household, a person's preference and feelings weren't a necessary element of consideration.
She did, however, considered to murder Shao instead. Her Generals were all her father's loyalists and undoubtedly would do the dirty job for her. But they too, despite wanting her as Empress, would have to bow to law and tradition and pick a male heir instead, no matter how incompetent he might be.
But was death the answer?
The irony of her assassination plan struck her, she didn't want to be a murderer like him. Besides, giving him a death sentence served on a plate would be far too merciful punishment. She would want him to suffer. So, she let him live even when it meant she must share her throne and her bed.
As a woman, Zetian understood she was never meant to rule alone. She was groomed to be a decoration in her husband's arms, sitting quietly beside him as he sat in a meeting. She may voice opinions behind closed doors, but in the public eye, she was a mere symbol of monarchy.
Zetian took pride in herself for not succumbing to fear and sadness after learning about her Shao's betrayal. She resolutely believed that dying or running away meant Shao would win it all, and he would have taken her father's throne and would rule uncontested. Not only her citizen would suffer a tragic fate under a politically inept emperor, but she also loathed the thought of letting him win!
Ultimately, if she wanted a share in her father's throne, she must marry him.
"Princess?" Baoxi whispered, "Are you okay? Is there… anything I can do for you?" Upon Baoxi concerned countenance, she realized she hadn't touched her lunch, and dinner was supposed to be served.
"No, thank you," she said, watching Baoxi's worried expression. He cared for her. Although Baoxi didn't cry over her father's death, his condition certainly spoke volumes of his loss. He lost a great deal of weight. Yet he still shouldered the work of three servants without complaint because she asked him to. "I trust you, Baoxi. It's why you're now the only servant who's allowed in my room." Yan Shu was allowed in too, but it was only Baoxi who permitted helping her get ready, dressed her, and touched her bare skin without her explicit permission.
Baoxi smiled, his eyes watered with happiness and a touch of pride which he hid as he bowed to the floor swiftly. "It's my honor to serve, Princess." Zetian rushed to lift him up. "You are not just my servant, Baoxi. You are my friend. Please promise to never lie to me."
"I swear on my mother's grave."
Zetian nodded, satisfied with the answer. "Now, I want you to hand this to the palace treasury right now."
Baoxi's puzzled expression was perfectly warranted. It was in the middle of the night.
"I tripled your salary. Tomorrow is the first day of the month is it not? It's payday, I don't want you to miss it."
"But… you pay me enough, My Princess," he argued.
"There is no such thing as enough, Baoxi. You don't know what will I put you through once I got married."
"Your Highness!" he exclaimed, scolding. "Serving you is an honor!"
She plopped herself on her bed, ignoring his plea, "Just pass that paper to the treasury! That's an order from your future empress."
He scoffed at her, but she was going to make sure it happened. People she could trust are invaluable.
My dear Shao,
There exists no greater compliment than to be called a Prince of Wei. Such a person earns his title with his ability to lead and inspire... elusive virtues, to which you must reach and rise.
And it grieves me to say that you are not working hard enough to reach and to rise. And I am not spoken about your affinity to partying nor gambling, for those are mutable dispositions if you own a strong will to change. The choice of a woman was the issue around which I came to grief.
And it's astonishing to me that, despite being born and bred around royal decorum and appropriety, you are making so little attempt to conceal your infatuation for a wrong kind of woman, more so another man's wife. Have you not learned from your uncle and I...how a wrong woman could affect the thought and wants of strongmen, move countries , destroy relationships, and inflict war?
Must I remind you again of the importance of building your destiny with some sweet and innocent, well-tempered girl with no past, who knows the rules and will follow the rules?
Someone with whom you can make a fresh start and build a new life, one that our people will love as their princess and your Empress.
And why do you seek any further when destiny already awaits you by the door?
You are more than a man, more than a prince, and one day, dear boy, you shall be the Son of Heaven. And you have seen me, the kind of mistake I did, and the kind of unwise choice that I hope you won't repeat.
Although our relationship can be hard at times, you are one of my many life treasures. But I think you know that.
Please send Zetian my apology, it is expected if she doesn't wish to see me after what I've admitted doing. But first and foremost, I want to wish you and Zetian many happy fruitful years ahead. Promise me that you treat Zetian with the love and respect she deserves, only this will make my mind feel at ease. Until we meet again my dear son.
Your loving father,
Wei Zhang
Truthfully in Shao's eyes, Zetian was not like any other woman he knew. From the start, she was the only girl who knew both sides of the coin. She saw him out there with the crowd, with his confident, brash persona, and when the world withdrew to its seat, she saw him sitting alone, lonely and vulnerable.
All of Zetian's sisters went through etiquette school and nothing else. They were trained to be muted dolls to be married and shipped to a foreign land in the name of political allegiance. Zetian was not so, she was educated the same way he did. She had to sit for grueling hours learning economics, politics, and war strategy. She didn't sit down to memorize sonnets or play erhu, she was taught public speaking and how to craft words into a convincing treaty and law. She was one of the few who understood the pressure of the throne, who experienced and witnessed the world from the same perspective as him as a young monarch.
And then came Mulan, a woman with a completely different upbringing and perspective. Mulan made him believe that he could lead a people he didn't know, help a country he'd never truly seen, and become a good king his people deserved to have.
Deep down Shao knew he had a lot to learn, far too much in a short period of time, and while Mulan's wittiness and creativity astound him many times over, she was not the empress that his people needed.
Mulan was kind and selfless, but naive. Like many other commoners, all she wanted was peace and to enjoy life's simple pleasures like eating noodles, having family, and gazing at rainbows. What she wasn't aware of was peace never came cheap. It came with a price. Justice came with a price. Imagine a leader who had given aid when he could, showed kindness and sympathy always and offered to talk about it. Imagine with limited resources he would have to choose to help his neighbor or his own people, to build a hospital, or to train soldiers. Peace and justice were never black and white.
In his coronation speech, he said to his people: "You are my duty. As your Emperor, my people are my first and most precious responsibility. I know I have been reckless in the past, it was something that I've come to regret. Please know that your value, how important you all are to me, isn't something I need to learn." And unlike any of his successors, Shao brought himself to the ground and bowed to the crowds, creating a wave of murmur.
And not losing the moment he turned to Zetian, who was standing beside him. He was still on his knee and asked. "And as I said my promise in front of our people, is to serve them with my best intention and effort. Princess Zetian, you are and have always been the anchor of this kingdom. Would you stand beside me as I lead this country as my Empress?"
There were a lot of spreading rumors about her marrying Shao out of public duty rather than personal desire. Zetian had known Shao pulled at her, that she felt a connection to him that even he couldn't really deny. Were they friends? Enemies? She wasn't interested in putting a label on it. But one thing she know, when she thought of marrying Shao, she'd expected him to be his usual selfish, egoistic self. And she planned to keep civil with him and kept him at arm's length.
And Zetian didn't expect a plot twist coming.
The Emperor never knew to bow to anyone, not even to his own mother. So the act of him kneeling before his subjects went against every tradition, every rule, every bit of sense or propriety. As if that was not enough, he even kneel before her!
But this didn't make sense. If he didn't want to lead, to be feared and obeyed….then why he had to kill her father? Why couldn't he wait? If all he wanted was to raise to the throne with her, then he could have been made king without shedding any blood at all.
Seeing how unprepared Shao was to be an Emperor, Zetian had expected him to be an emperor in name only. He would indulge in the privilege, throwing parties and inviting women, and leaving all the hard work to her.
Except, that was not what happened.
Lately, she noticed Shao spent a lot of time in the Palace library. If he wasn't at a council meeting or visiting surrounding towns or villages, it was almost certain he was there, sitting behind a mountain of scrolls. But Zetain was too prideful to inquire what he was doing, he preferred to ask Baoxi instead.
The night before her wedding, she couldn't sleep. She thought reading some scrolls would take the edge off her anxiety, so she head into the library only to stumble upon Shao, snoring softly on the library desk with a few stacks of maps served as his pillow.
He looked so serene and so innocent…so handsome. He was one of those annoying characters in a book who still looked stupidly gorgeous in his sleep.
"If you suffer quietly for him, turn a blind eye to all of his obnoxious attitudes, and can only see how good he is, then it isn't just a fling. It's not a fleeting crush. It's love," Suiko's words echoed in her head.
The thought made her want to gag, but the truth bit her. Despite Shao's arrogance, selfishness, and philandering habit, she wanted him anyway, still loved him even though she shouldn't, and this was truly the worst kind of torture.
The decorations that festoon the Palace wall and bright lights that covered nearly every inch of the Forbidden City seemed falsely cheerful in the wake of the late Emperor's death. But again, after the Chinese retaliated against the Hun's ambush and succeeded, the war officially ended. They had won.
Her wedding day began with her coronation as the Empress. She was wearing a blood-red ruqun, with a long, trailing tail adorned with intricate dragon and phoenix embroidery, the symbol of balance and harmony.
She understood that the palace, generals, councilors, and her subject were divided. One side was buying Shao's speech yesterday, and the other one still believed he was just a greedy bastard who colluded to kill her father. She understood at that moment in time the truth of what truly had happened didn't matter. If she was going to bring China to peaceful prosperity, she must dissolve all division and malice. Even if admitting this would hurt like a hundred knives in her chest, this, she had accepted, was a harsh reality of regency, a price for loving her people.
"My beloved people. I know some of you have been broken by the untimely departure of my father, Emperor Xiongnu, as much as I. And believe me this…I know some news is harder to accept, and some betrayal is harder to forgive than others."
She paused to gather composure, willing herself not to crack.
"Emperor Shao Wei is not his father….." She swallowed slowly and continued. "And he is also not my father. Only time can buy your trust upon his ability to rule, but I urge you…" She gazed toward the array of soldiers and Generals without explicitly ordering them. "No, I beg you to give him a chance. I know many of you were bitter after what had happened, but if we dwell in the past—if I dwell in the past—haunted with pain for revenge and injustice, then this country will be what it's been, and we can't have that. Middle Kingdom deserves to be more. And I don't want anyone else to die, if I could I would go out on that battlefield and fight ten thousand men by myself, I would, if offering myself would ensure peace in my land then I'll be glad doing it. Therefore, as your new Empress let me appeal to you, to move on, put aside your grunge, and strived for the unity of our country."
It was a high-note ending to her coronation. But she still had to survive the wedding. And people said marriage was a wonderful occasion worth celebrating—it was until she remembered she was about to sleep with her father's killer.
The priest read a longwinded decree and read their oath and obligation to the country and each other. At the end of it, he declared. "Your Highness the Son of Heaven, I give you… Your Empress." And he stepped back, giving the stage to two of them to seal the ceremony with a rare showcase of intimacy: a kiss, in front of the public.
Unexpectedly, Shao hesitated.
He didn't hesitate to collude with that foreign princess to end her father's life, but he hesitated now. He stepped forward and bent over but he was just staring. Zetian had been planning to do nothing, to simply let him do with her what he pleased. But he's looking down at her, and there's apprehension on his face. All the rare times he seemed to have some good conscience, why pick now in front of the waiting multitude?
Decidedly, if she wanted to save her kingdom, she had to give it an Emperor. And the Emperor she'll give it. She stepped forward, tip-toed, closing the gap and brushing her lips on his. It was so quick that even her own brain had no time to react. Had she gone mad?
The crowds cheer, and the look of surprise with a tint of red cascaded on his face that she thought was priceless.
"Long live the Empress and Emperor!"
When she grasped what she'd done, she gasped, and nearly stumbled backward. Thankfully, right then the spirit must return to Shao's body and gain control. He caught her elegantly on her waist, and with one hand he tilted her chin and gave her one passionate kiss that was perhaps far too vulgar for public consumption. She tried hard not to enjoy it, but her effort was boiled to naught. She couldn't help but cling to him, couldn't help but kiss him back.
When she pulled back and stared into his eyes, he did not look like he was faking it or playing coy like he always did. This couldn't possibly be the man who had plotted to kill her father, could it? He looked breathless and happy, he liked like he might…. love her. And it was the kind of painful love that hurt deeper than any hatred ever could.
Yan Shu was clapping with everyone else, but it felt like someone pierced his heart with the earth's most beautiful sword. He couldn't quite understand why. From the start, he knew that Zetian and Shao Wei would eventually tie the knot. Despite their strange relationship, it was the general assumption… no, it was the expectation. As the crown prince and princess, they had been orbiting each other their whole lives. They were made for each other. But still, fate be damned, he often told Zetian how undeservingly immature and selfish Shao was, and how he should never crown as an emperor.
"Just be thankful he agreed to let you stay with me, even assign you a room next door so you won't have to sleep on the floor," Zetian told him. Yan Shu knew he needed to behave himself. Despite Shao's irritating personality, he was always nice to him.
Who do you think you are? He often questioned himself. Even if he unexpectedly fell in love with Zetian, a princess was not in a position to requite his feeling even when the sky fell on the earth.
"Congratulation Your Highness," he bowed reverently at both of them, hoping what he felt won't show in his eyes. He should be happy because Zetian was happy. Yan Shu told himself that he was being ridiculous, or possibly letting his long-suppressed jealousy get the better of him.
It's better this way, he told himself. This way Zetian will not have to rule alone.
Zetian disliked Mulan the moment she heard about her. Was this becoming the story of her life? Meeting another commoner who waltzed into Shao's life and destroying the balance of whatever already hanging precariously. But knowing Shao, she should have predicted the kind of strong, independent woman that he was easily enamored with. People would expect her to abhor her newest rival, to look at her with contempt. Mulan would be Shao's mistress after all.
But she noticed some changes in Shao since he took Mulan into the Harem. He became placid, calm, and no longer looking for confrontation with her.
Zetian thought that after picking Mulan as his concubine Shao would spend every waking hour with his favorite mistress who undoubtedly already carrying his child. But that was not what happened. Instead, Shao went away with her for their honeymoon and extended it with a ten-week provincial visit across the country, leaving Mulan behind.
After perilous weeks of just the two of them against the world, they were back for his hundredth-day celebration as Middle Kingdom's new monarch. Zetian honestly thought Shao would finally reveal his true color and ran into the arm of his concubine. Yet, she was puzzled again when Shao was only seen briefly speaking to his mistress before sending her off home back to her late husband's hometown. What was exactly going on?
"Baoxi, tell me if this is normal?" she asked one day after Shao left her chamber. He had been coming to Empress quarter at least once a day, spending the night with her on the not-so-comfortable sofa at the far end of her bed. He endured her snappy remarks, and even had a gut to praise how beautiful she looked!
"Why is it matter what is normal, My Empress?" Baoxi clearly didn't see why it was relevant. "As long as this arrangement makes you happy. You are his Empress after all."
Truth be told, she loved Shao's attention, his adulation, and this made her feel stupid. Shao was a master philanderer, why should she trust him? She had no idea. It was her heart that refused to take in what her head already knew. Suiko was right to say that she loved him too much that she forgot she hated him.
Perhaps Shao could smell her distrust. Zetian knew that Shao gave all his Generals a pay rise to get their good side, but the same tactics won't work on Yan Shu who was unlikely to be swayed under the temptation of material things. Tactfully, he changed his strategy by promoting Yan Shu as one of his generals, plus he was granted unlimited access to the Harem to guard her and to follow her where ever she went. It was a privilege that was normally only bestowed on the eunuch of the highest standing.
"You don't have to do this," she told him. It was the second week of him staying in her room.
"Do what?" Shao said from behind the scroll as he sat on the edge of her massive bed. If she was being honest, he looked invitingly handsome in his crimson sleeping robe that was tied loosely around his waist.
"Doing all the nice things for me… or stay here with me every night. You know how this thing works…" she said. The Emperor was under no obligation to spend his night with his Empress. He could well be sleeping with his concubine or staying in his quarter if he preferred a quiet night. Shao got none of the above, as Zetian didn't give him either a quiet night or sex. She had no idea why he was there.
"I stay here because I want to," he said, plucking another scroll from the table that he had arranged earlier and began reading it. Zetian gave him a look.
"You should've taken more than one concubine so you have someone to warm your bed while Consort Fa is away," she pointed out.
He put the scroll down. "Is it anything wrong if I want to spend my time with you?"
"Is the honeymoon not long enough?"
'No' was a straight answer because even after nearly ten weeks of trotting around beautiful sights in the kingdom and meeting their subject, they still hadn't consummated their marriage. Zetian was very well aware if anyone found out, their marriage could be annulled, but she honestly didn't know where to start. She was hoping Shao, the expert between them would force her into it on their first night. But it didn't happen, he seemed to be happy playing the role of a docile husband and acquiescence to all her silent cues.
"You are thinking when are we going to sleep together?" she put it bluntly. It was hardly a question.
Shao looked scandalized, but after a few seconds managed to school the most neutral, noncombative expression, "I don't want to push you. I want to wait until you are ready."
She rolled her eyes, "I know what are you thinking, you are worried that this will jeopardized your position as Emperor if someone finds out that has not happened yet, right?"
He said nothing, but his hardened face was enough of an answer.
Truthfully, Zetian didn't think annulment was what Shao worried about. Yes, she was his way to the throne, but if he did want to secure his position as her husband he could've subdued her. They were alone together, expected to do what any other married couple does in their bedroom, he could've easily restrained her to get what he wanted and it would be within his right. There would be no escaping.
"I respect you," he said coldly, there was a flash of hurt in his eyes. "I've vowed to put our people's needs first, to give what they deserve. You are what they deserve. You are my empress…..and my wife. I only will do what you want and when you want them."
It seemed wrong for him to be so worried about her feelings now when he clearly didn't care for them when he started all of this. Her clothes had too many layers, but she made quick work of them, shedding them down until she was only in her sheer robe.
"I want you to kiss me," she said, daring to scoot closer to where he sat on the edge of the bed even though her hands were trembling. Because she was going to have sex with her father's killer, and she wanted him anyway, still desired him even though she shouldn't.
He stared at her as if she had grown another head. "What?"
She crawled until she was close to sitting on his lap. He leaned back as if he was scared to touch her.
"Don't you want me?" This time taking one of his hands and place it on her chest. If that didn't work, she had no idea what will.
She expected an explosion of savage lust like tearing his clothes or pinning her down. But no. Slowly, he moved his hand to grab her waist and kissed her, deeply, just like he did on their wedding. When he looked down at her, he could be lying, after all, he had fooled everyone around all this time. But at the moment she didn't think he was. He looked at her with tenderness and want, and maybe this wasn't a hardship for him. Maybe he had truly desired her… loved her.
Yes, she detested him, part of her want him to suffer terrible torment and die. But, right now, she actually wanted him to want her. Was she some kind of twisted psychopath to feel this way?
If that wasn't making it hard enough for her to hate him, the Prince of Wei's legendary lovemaking skill wasn't at all a hyperbolic myth harped by many. He was truly an expert in pleasing women. He was so careful with her that it didn't hurt one bit, in fact, quite the opposite, it felt… amazing. It was amazing to have him holding her, to have him above her and inside her. And for a brief moment, Zetian forgot that the man she was having sex with was the same man who had her father's blood on his hands.
My little star, Yue
First of all, let me begin to tell you I'm sorry that I am not saying this in person. For I know not how to explain everything to you.
Yue, since we were little, you are always the patient one, the bold one, a girl who sees the good in others.
I was in a bad place after escaping the Forbidden City. Once I left, I thought I would be finally free to live my life, but as a fugitive running away from my death, I have no home to go back to, and I was with someone I love but I couldn't have.
I did, at some point, tried to pick a new identity, move somewhere far, and started anew. But I realized people who knew me could not, for if the Emperor realized they knew I was still alive, they'll be put to death too.
Li Jiang is an honorable man. He is loyal, brave, and kind. He needed someone who is understanding and independent, who can be a good helpmeet to him in both in his presence and absence.
This is why I chose you, Yue. In my mind, I wish you to accept him and for him to learn to love you. I wish you the life I can't have—only to realize how incredibly stupid and selfish it was. Yet, I find myself unable to choose otherwise.
My little star, I'm so sorry that I screw up and hurt you. And I don't want to lose you over a man. I hope, in time, you'll find a time and place to forgive me for leaving you with the mess, the damage, and the heartache I made, for forcing you to live the life that I want.
The thought of you hating me is terrifying.
The thought of a future without Jiang is terrifying.
Life is terrifying.
But life is too precious to waste to do anything less than what makes us happy, and I truly want you to be happy.
Because you are my sweetest sister.
And my truest love.
Xiaotong