Chapter XXXIV

I Regret, Kakashi

Naruto hated being here, honestly. The walls were steeped in years of suffering; the smell of blood and death never left his too sensitive nostrils. Every distant noise made him clasp his hands over his ears and close his eyes violently. Moreover, the blond held his breath when he heard footsteps approaching; he was afraid that someone would come in, instruments of nightmares in hand. When the anguish was too great, Naruto grabbed Kakashi's hand which he squeezed and put against his face. The teenager wanted Kakashi to open his eyes, for Kakashi to hug him and he wanted to wake up Kakashi by screaming his name … but he forbade himself. Squatting at his bedside, his daytime terrors deigned to disappear when the day gave way to the night.

The sapphire-eyed boy had noticed that the surrounding movements were gradually fading with the advance of the black sky, calming the frantic race of his bruised heart. Kakashi's snores had given way to quiet, steady breathing. Seeing Kakashi so tranquil, sleeping peacefully, Naruto could only smile.

Observing Kakashi like this chased away the stinky scents from his nose, leaving only the aromas of Kakashi to invade him and occupy his sensitive nostrils. Since Kakashi always sleeps without his forehead protector which Kakashi uses to hide the scar across his gouged out eye, Naruto reached out a cautious hand to remove it by sliding it over the silver hair. Then he put it under the pillow so as not to lose it.

Alone, the blond undressed the dark cloth that Kakashi forced him to wear; he didn't like the smell, yet he knew that it would end up becoming his by wearing it over time and also, he had no choice but to put it on. He left it on the floor with his sandals before climbing into the bed, being careful not to step on Kakashi. After all, the teenager could never forgive himself if he hurt Kakashi in any way, even by accident.

On all fours, Naruto got on top of Kakashi before sitting on his pelvis. His bluish irises examined every facial feature. His palms rested gently on Kakashi's cheeks. He brought his face closer to look at Kakashi more closely. He wondered why the dark-blue mask never left Kakashi's face. Was it due to other scars? The blond had noticed that Kakashi was quick to pull it up on his nose in his presence and that Kakashi refused to show that part of him to him.

Curiosity seizing the teenager, he slipped his thumbs under the fabric to remove it … but his hands froze immediately. The desire to see the face of the only human important to him tugged him, devoured his entrails with malice; of all the faces he saw, the only one that really interested him retained its eternal mystery.

If he does, Kakashi would never know.

If he does, he could see the precious face.

But if he does, he would break Kakashi's trust.

Reluctantly, Naruto backed off and pulled his hands away. As he trusted Kakashi, Kakashi trusted him… Although the boy with deep blue eyes forbade himself, that was aware of the prohibition of such a thing, he still tried to pull down this piece of cloth despite him and each time he withdrew. The desire to know was too big … like his hunger that dictated his actions.

Letting out a sigh, Naruto lay against Kakashi's body, resting his head on his chest, wrapping his arms and tail around him. The green jacket bothered him, but he tolerated it. As he gazed up at the dark sky speckled with twinkling stars, he let the soothing heartbeat lull him into a state of utter well-being that drove away the shadows tormenting his fragile mind.

However, an evil shook him. He might be with Kakashi, Naruto felt alone in the nocturnal sweetness that awakened his senses. He wanted to discover the outside world in Kakashi's company by enjoying this moon bath; discovering any greenery, any water, any earthy ground by his side… Letting the pleasurable and liberating sensations engulf him like when they had visited the territory of the other boy named Shikamaru… But because he was listening to hunger and this darkness inside of him, allowed them to decide for him, even enslaved him, Naruto was plunging Kakashi's entire being into lethargy and inaction.

For the first time, the teenager was bitten with guilt.

He and Kakashi were here, in this nightmarish place, because he was spilling too much of his venom. Kakashi didn't like what the blond was doing to him … although he had started doing it out of a desire for Kakashi to be awake with him during the night, hunger had quickly engulfed that said primary desire. Like an egoist, he continued, continued even after hearing Kakashi's complaints about it. Helplessly, he would start over and over and increase the amounts in hopes of being able to devour more of his delicious chakra… Naruto came to hate himself, hating that hunger for that lightning essence. He wanted to believe he didn't realize it, but he knew deep down that he was hurting Kakashi…

This realization brought tears to his eyes.

Then another.

In the stillness of the night, Naruto let out his tears

Slowly, my mind gradually clears as the rays of light beyond the window warm my face and my whole being. I open my eyelid with difficulty, and my brain takes long seconds to assimilate everything around me. For the time of a breath, I am confused not to recognize my room; this feeling is quickly chased away by the memory of the day before which strikes me unceremoniously.

Besides a few snippets of conversation with Godaime that Naruto was indeed putting me in this state, I don't remember anything after the moment when I dozed off trying to close my eye. The blond was not shy about pouring out his venom, to such an extent that I thought I would never wake up again, thus sinking into a deep coma… Although my body takes time to come out of this lethargy, I feel awfully good. Obviously, his toxin really helps me rest, but the price isn't worth it, especially since I end up losing this benefit by feeding him my chakra after dark.

Looking up at the bright sky, I determine it's about one or two o'clock, snatching a sigh from me. Surprised, but not surprised, I notice my student glued to my body, covering us with his veil of static electricity… However, instead of being on my chest, his head is against my shoulder and my neck and therefore, his face is dangerously close to mine. I feel his breathing with each deep breath, making me blush in spite of myself. Also, one of his arms is around my neck and the other is below. Similar to the last times, his lower limbs intertwine with mine, encircling me in his tenacious, clinging embrace. Dwelling on his face, a detail makes me arch an eyebrow; to get a better look at it since he's glued to my left, I open my red eye.

His cheeks are moist and clammy and a blush puffs up his dark circles under his eyes. At first glance, the teenager looks as if he hasn't slept, and those crystal clear tears imply that Naruto cried this morning. Did this place scare him too much? Is it something else? I don't know what caused his sadness, but it worries me, especially when I catch a glimpse of a new tear escaping from his closed eye. His eyelids are closed; yet he's awake … unless he's crying in his slumber.

Alarmed, I gently press my palm against his cheek, plunging my heterochromic irises into Naruto's, which will soon open.

"Naruto, wake up."

As I suspected, he stares back at me. The red in his eyes betrays recent crying that has gone on too long… I wonder if the wild boy sobbed that night as well.

Before I can inquire about his condition, try to understand what has upset him, his eyes open wide and fear possesses them. With a start and a silent cry, Naruto separates from me, pushes himself with such agitation that he falls off the bunk. His sudden reaction takes me by surprise and I'm too slow to catch him. My heart races, anxieties torment me as I jump out of bed.

On all fours, all hairs on end, Naruto takes a few steps away from me; his loud breathing is rapid, bordering on hyperventilation. Trembling like a leaf, he stares at me and sinks into an alarming stillness, noticing with horror that his usually expressive ebony tail is also a victim of it.

With caution, I slowly approach Naruto who arches his back while emitting a lamentation. He clenches his hands against the ground which he scratches with his claws; the marks they leave show that they are sharp and cutting edge, causing me to be careful about those wild nails. Seeing him react like this, I don't approach more and I put myself at his level, brandishing my palms in front of me.

"Easy, Naruto. It's me, Kakashi. Calm down, inhale slowly," I whisper.

The only reason I can think of is that the teenager is half asleep and must somehow mistake me for a ghost from his nightmarish past. Reality and dream merging, this is the most plausible explanation.

I patiently wait for him to calm down.

Little by little, his breath slows down, the shaking too. His irises never leave me—rather, something seems to take them over entirely. The ebony fur returning to normal as his hair, Naruto swallows before placing one hand at a time in front of him, moving closer to me like an animal. His face lifts to approach mine. He studies me fiercely to the point where I am pierced by his gaze. Fear gives way to curiosity. It's only now that I realize he's intently staring at my Sharingan… In fact, it can only be that. I forgot that—since his return—this is the first time he has seen it. Did my red eye scare him? It's plausible; the unknown tends to frighten Naruto, even terrify him.

The teenager gets closer to me as he enters my personal space, making me feel uncomfortable. When he puts his hands on my thighs, my organ of love starts its race in my chest. After an interminable time of staring at it like that, he sits down on his knees before bringing his hands to my left eye to pull my lids apart and force it open. A drop of sweat beads on my temple. I tolerate the discomfort, the tips of his nails pricking my skin and the tingling his electrically charged body produces. I fiercely hold myself back from withdrawing, shaking my head to get him to let go. If this allows him to calm down, silence his fears, I am ready to take my pain patiently and give him all the time he needs.

Fortunately, this doesn't last; he quickly withdraws his hands after a few seconds. In response, I close my eyelid to cover my Sharingan after a few blinks. A veil of sadness takes hold of Naruto; he lowers his gaze and his head. Then, the teenager timidly takes me in his arms, but his tail keeps its positions and is content to remain impassive. Needless to say, this doesn't bode absolutely anything good for my student's mind. Mechanically, I hug him back and gently stroke his blond mane.

"What's going on, Naruto? What makes you sad?"

I know he's unable to answer me in words, but I hope he can tell me in his own way what's wrong. I must admit that I have no idea in mind. No matter how hard I exercise my brain, nothing comes to give me any logical clue. I manage to feel that his emotion is pure sadness; if this place were the cause, fear would make him tremble.

"Naruto, I can't guess. You have to help me understand you," I whisper tenderly.

The sapphire-eyed boy gasps as he hugs me even tighter; at that, I hear him grit his teeth. I translate this reaction as a desire to express his feelings, I'm sure. Since Naruto is immersed in silence, I have to carefully analyze the slightest of his behaviours and gestures in order to understand him.

He continues to embrace me the time of breath before separating from me without breaking this closeness. He puts a hand to his throat, but doesn't squeeze it to hurt himself and releases it quickly. Fiercely avoiding my gaze, his eyes moist, he gently grabs my arm marked with the suffering of the previous day, putting me on my guard; indirectly, I'm afraid he wants to sink his fangs into it. However, he puts my limb to his face, vertically, pressing it full length. His closed eyelids release tears while he clenches his visible teeth. His trembling fingers harshly dig into my skin…

I open my dark eyes wide. Could it be that he feels bad for hurting me by biting me? No, that's not it. I never blamed him for those canines in my arm since he has no choice in order to reach my chakra network to feed himself. Moreover, I have already reassured him when he began to blame himself for the time of his captivity…

A realization strikes me head-on to explain what the blond is communicating me. The only other hypothesis is his venom. Did Naruto realize on his own that he was hurting me? If I take into account his emotional dependence on me, this desire to protect me and this episode after his first bite, I am ready to put my hand in the fire that this is it. He must believe that we are here, in this place he doesn't want to be, because he's increasing his dosages; without forgetting the exams that I had to pass and that he didn't appreciate at all.

At the very least, it makes perfect sense.

"You're guilty for putting me in this state, aren't you?" I ask in a soft voice.

My words are immediate. Naruto lets go of my arm before resting his palms on his face, hiding his deep blue eyes that can't stop releasing crystal clear waterfalls. His sobs increase in intensity, become loud lamentations; he gasps as he tries in vain to wipe away those saline drops. Seeing him collapsed sows terrible hurt in my heart, allowing grief to creep into my mind. My organ is bruised to the point of bringing my hand to it in a futile hope to silence the pain.

After a breath, I put my palms on the shoulders of the teenager.

"Naruto, look at me!" I order.

He's shaking, cowering even more, forcing me to squeeze his skin in response.

"Naruto! Look at me!"

Naruto jumps before becoming petrified, including his breathing. Reluctantly, the blond spreads his fingers to observe me as instructed. His once luminous irises are dark, terribly dark; their usual brilliance has left them.

"I know you did it to help me recover, Naruto. As I know that you did it mainly to silence the hunger, I'm not stupid. Stop fretting. I am not mad at you."

A short pause, a suspended time and a silence.

"Even if it proves difficult for you, don't let hunger have any power over you. I know that your will is greater than it. I'm sure of it, even. And if ever it's too strong, I will protect you from it if necessary. It's a promise, Naruto."

My words reach my student although the tears continue. Nevertheless, I can see that his sadness is gradually diminishing; likewise, he stops shaking. I open my arms to him and without the slightest hesitation, Naruto finds comfort in them, plunging and camouflaging his head in my chest soon flooded by his silent cries. His black tail therefore embraces us with tenderness.

"Together, we are strong, Naruto. Much more than this voracious appetite."

In this empty room, heavy and charged with electricity, I hear the beats of our hearts which synchronize and the weak gasps caused by his sadness. I hold him tighter in my embrace, gently stroke his golden mane. Naruto didn't have to say it in words for me to clearly understand what he said to me.

He's dominated by this hunger for chakra which occupies his thoughts, torments him like a real poison. He has no choice, it's essential for his survival, that is understood. But I guess greed took over his whole being after tasting it. Like a drug, he became addicted, wanting more and more. This desire to silence the evils caused by hunger pushed him directly into the macabre arms of vice. The worst part of it all is—I think—that Naruto didn't realize it. This must have plunged him into indescribable distress. Being a slave to his venom, I couldn't wake up to cast out the demons that darken his frail and cracked heart.

I promised to protect you Naruto.

I will protect you from anyone who wishes you harm.

Even if I have to protect you from yourself.

In infinite patience, I wait for the blond to dry his tears. While waiting, I notice someone watching us from beyond the door window and that person is Sakura. She doesn't try to come in or bother us. I can soothe Naruto in absolute tranquility by sweeping away the slightest suffering.