Still life

I'd modelled for drawing classes before but this time would be the first time I was going to pose completely naked. Not how I expected to make money but truthfully, study was expensive and I could get paid quite a lot for this while lying down. The instructor had told me I could lie down and it would be like the Titanic movie, reclining on a long couch type set up. I felt a little nervous about it but there were no phones allowed so no-one would be taking photos, just drawing how my body looked and it didn't bother me too much. I didn't have a slinky bikini body but I wasn't insecure about it, it just was how it was and it hadn't really been something I worried about over the years. In my mid twenties, I was still fairly fresh and perky not that any of that probably mattered to the artists who were training. They were there to learn how to draw, not critique any flaws they might see. Or at least that's what I was telling myself.

There were also only six in the class tonight so I didn't feel like there would be too many eyes watching me. I'd be in a robe on the couch then once the class had assembled and had their supplies ready I would disrobe and from previous classes it was a quiet experience, mainly the sound of the teacher moving between canvases to give guidance and of supplies being moved around as they picked a new medium or colour. When I had posed before, partly covered, I zoned out and thought about a book I was reading or the items I needed to get the next time I went to the grocery store. The last five weeks had built to the final session with no clothing, starting fully dressed in jeans on a stool and easing into bare shoulders before last week being my top half uncovered. I got a glance at some of the canvases as I left and they all seemed to be good at what they were learning.

So here I was, in a plush robe, aware the temperature in the room was set so it wouldn't be too cold, goosebump skin not being what they wanted to draw today. I glanced around a little as people came into the room. Mainly older women who were honing their craft or taking up a new hobby, one man who I had seen before and his eye was very calculated when he looked, drawing proportions and not making me in the least bit uncomfortable. It possibly helped that his boyfriend picked him up at the end of the previous session. He clearly wasn't assessing my body as anything other than art. For some reason it wasn't always the same people and I briefly wondered if they signed up for all six weeks or just the sessions they wanted to do.

The door opened to reveal the final artist and I was relieved because now I just wanted to get started and have it done so I could go home and watch some Netflix. It had been a long week. He bowed a little awkwardly as he came into the room, rushing to the only canvas left set up ready, the one closest to me in the front so it gave me a good chance to see he was much younger than everyone else, maybe around the same age as myself and I was immediately more self conscious than I had been previously. I couldn't get a good look at his face as he came wearing a mask and as he took it off he raised the height of the canvas so he was comfortable, his eyes only just visible at the top of the easel. When I saw them I had to look away straight away. Round and innocent looking, I had the distinct feeling I was about to corrupt him, smiling to myself at the weird thought.

"OK everyone," the teacher said quietly into the room, "today we are going to spend a few hours sketching out the human form. Those of you who have been doing these regular sessions will be familiar with our model, Marley. Those of you who have done sessions previously, welcome back and remember I'm floating around to answer any questions." She walked over to me, footsteps light as she approached, like a 60 year old fairy. She lowered her voice as she spoke, gently reassuring me. "Right Marley, if you hand me your robe and then relax however you're comfortable. If you need a break at any stage please let me know and we'll also stop halfway for bathroom stops and drinks etc... I'll bring your robe back for that of course. Is that alright?"

"Of course," I answered, reaching for the tie and pulling it so the robe fell open, shrugging it off my shoulders as she mostly blocked me from everyone's view as I made myself comfortable.

"Great," she said as I settled, trying to land in a position I could hold for a while and then turned to the class. "Right everyone, I want you to take special note of your lines as you sketch. We've talked before about how a simple line can highlight a curve just right, focus on those simple lines today and call out if you want help."

She stepped away and I was then fully exposed to the class, pursing my lips to moisten them as they suddenly felt very dry. Part of me was questioning why I had decided to do this as my eyes strayed amongst the people, breathing a little sigh of relief as they mainly seemed to be focused on taking out their pencils or paintbrushes, glancing back and forth from me to their canvases and not staring like I was a picnic waiting to consume. I studiously avoided meeting the eyes of the most recent man although I noticed he had taken his bucket hat off to join his discarded mask, dark hair long around his ears but not distinguishable by how he was slumped low. Instead of thinking too much about what everyone was thinking as they looked at my body, I fell back on my internal thoughts, making sure to keep my body as relaxed and still as I could.

Surprisingly, the next half hour sped by, the teacher moving amongst the students, my eyes drifting to watch every now and again but not resting on anyone for long and definitely not on the young man. The hardest thing was keeping my body still and I desperately wanted to stretch. As she walked closer to me, I asked if that was OK. "Of course," she answered softly and I put my arms above my head and stretched from my toes right up my back, like I'd seen cats do, before I relaxed back into what I hoped was the same position as last time.

As I did, my eyes met the young man and instant heat flooded my body. There was an intensity in them that felt differently from the way anyone else in the room was looking when they sketched and I couldn't interpret it from just a quick glance but it made my insides turn in not an unpleasant way. At all. His eyes quickly left mine, ears turning red and cheeks pink. He seemed to duck lower behind the canvas but I could see his body moving as he placed strokes on the portrait in front of himself. I wondered how he drew me when he sketched and I wondered why that mattered. The fact his arm was covered in tattoos that were visible as he moved, his tshirt sleeve lifting, made me even more curious about what he was doing there. Every now and again he lifted his head a little, concentrating and if I caught him at the right moment I could see him chewing his lip, piercing visible there and I thought I could see a piercing in his eyebrow too where his hair hung down low, almost covering his eyes. Everything about me felt like it was heating from the inside out and I had to restrain myself from lifting my hands to check to see how hot my cheeks were.

When the break came around, the teacher came over and helped me into my robe, handing me a bottle of water. Cracking the top and having a big drink, I glanced around the room where some of the students were talking to each other or having a drink themselves. Apart from the young man in front of me who seemed to still be sketching. But I needed to walk past him to go to the bathroom and I felt more uncomfortable to take those few steps than I did laying back, naked in front of all those eyes and I wasn't sure why.

As I walked back a few minutes later, I made sure I didn't look him in the eye, noting his were downcast anyway, still attached to his canvas and I gasped as I caught a glimpse. So much of me was already laid out and he had captured the form of my body with his strokes, making me look sexier than I was in real life.

"Oh, it's beautiful," I commented surprised, words slipping out, preparing to keep on moving but stopped at his next words.

"Only because the model is beautiful," he replied softly and I looked up, seeing him blush and look down as soon as our eyes met. And while he was looking down, I paused, taking a moment to look at his whole face, not covered by the canvas but unveiled for my eyes to take in. And he was someone I instantly recognised. I was right, there was a piercing glittering slightly between the strands of his hair that fell across his eyes and his tongue came out to play briefly with the piercing on his lip. I almost stumbled at the motion, setting my feet one in front of the other as I went back to the couch, back to the students. I needed a moment to school myself, taking a drink of water to give myself time. When I'd breathed and I was ready again, I kept my back to the room, dropping the robe and getting back in position on the couch before allowing myself to glance around.

Straight away my eyes were drawn to the tattooed man, noting small things about him. His averted eyes but flushed cheeks. His breathing, slightly escalated, visible even from the distance. The fact his tongue made an appearance more than before, frequently playing with his piercing or running it across his lips before biting them. I had to drag my own eyes away before he met mine and realised what I was thinking which I was worried would be visible in my eyes. I was very, very attracted to him, always had been and I couldn't let that show, definitely not while I was lying here feeling this vulnerable.

Realising I was sitting on a funny angle, back feeling uncomfortable, I turned into a better position, stretching a little as I did and maybe it was only my ears that were tuned in but I heard an intake of breath, leaking out between gritted teeth. Taking the moment to glance sideways, I saw his jaw was clenched, staring at his canvas without blinking and I had a fleeting thought that maybe I was effecting him a little like he was effecting me.

Looking down at my own body to take another moment, one of many I'd needed to take tonight, I could all of a sudden see all my flaws. I liked my legs, they were long and mostly toned from running a few times a week but my knees looked strangely weird, my stomach wasn't completely washboard flat, my hips wider than I'd like and I felt my forehead wrinkle with doubts about what everyone could see. What HE could see. I felt very, very naked and no longer comfortable.

"Ah, excuse me," I said softly to the teacher as she came near me and she walked over, leaning in as I spoke. "Can I get some fresh air? I'll only be a few minutes."

"Of course, are you feeling OK," she asked, concerned.

"I think I am," I said as she handed me the robe, "I just need to breathe, I feel a little, I'm not sure really."

"It's OK, take your time. I'll spend a little longer looking at what is already on canvas and we'll begin again when you come back."

I nodded as I tied the robe, saying a small, quiet thank you before ducking my head and heading out the classroom door, not looking at anyone but hearing the shuffle as he laid his tools down when I went past. There was a closed cafe area inside the building with a balcony and I walked through the darkened room, unlocking the latch on the door and stepping out into the air, taking a lungful and letting it quickly out as I took another, feeling the chill in the air flooding over me.

Hearing the door open and slide closed behind me, I didn't even look. I could smell his scent, already knowing who it was that had come to stand close to me.

"Was it me," he asked softly. "The reason you needed some air? I was looking at you."

"Everyone was looking at me," I answered, gazing out over the city, pulling the robe tighter around my body.

"Not in the same way I was looking at you."

It was true. They had been looking at me to measure their brushstrokes. He had been looking at me to measure how his hands would fit against my skin or that's how it felt. "I was trying to be professional but I constantly felt your eyes."

"I'm sorry, I really did come tonight to draw the model. I just didn't think..." His voice trailed away. I looked at him then, seeing him looking out over the city too until he turned his whole body to lean facing me. I didn't press him to continue his sentence but he finished it anyway.

"I didn't think you'd be difficult to sketch."

"Difficult?" I asked not in a grumpy way, I could tell he didn't mean it negatively.

"I think I was expecting someone older. So you were...a surprise."

"So are you, I didn't expect to find someone I'd recognise in the class."

He sighed, running his hands through his hair. "I should probably have hired a tutor for a private lesson but it's nice to be normal sometimes. I can leave."

"No, no, don't do that. It's too late now," I half laughed. "You've seen everything anyway."

Jungkook was quiet for a moment, piecing his words together in his mind before saying them and I was aware of the cold, that I'd been longer than I'd told the teacher I'd be and that I was out on a private balcony with someone untouchable.

"I don't want to make you uncomfortable so if it would be easier, I will go."

"Jungkook, stay, finish your painting, you're doing a beautiful job. I can get over myself."

He looked at me, eyes scanning my face. "Do you know, you're making it easy to draw. Your body is magnificent."

I swallowed feeling my cheeks heat even with the cold night air but something about the way he looked at me as he said it, made me feel confident in his words. "Ah, thank you."

"Don't thank me yet, I may do a terrible job of finishing it off."

"So you'll stay?"

"If you'll continue to model I will. But I'm sorry, I should've left my mask on, I've made you upset."

"I think I knew the moment I saw tattoos on your arm who you were," I said, pulling away from the balcony and stepping towards the door. As I went to open it he reached for my arm, taking it lightly in his hand.

"If you see me looking too much, know I'm not trying to make you uneasy but picture me naked as well, I've heard that helps."

"Oh, that won't help at all," I replied with a laugh, thinking thoughts that were unsettling to my body. He raised his eyebrow before looking down at where his hand still held my arm, quickly letting go and stepping back from me to give me space. "But maybe I will anyway."

He seemed surprised at my reply. I didn't blame him, I'd surprised myself, not normally flirty but feeling it in that moment before becoming shy again. "Be my guest," he said as he followed me through the open door. "I'll wait here a few minutes while you get settled and then come back inside," and he put his hands in his pockets, leaning on the wall as I nodded a small thank you and went back into the classroom. I was grateful for his understanding, that he considered how I was feeling and tried to put me at ease.

True to his word, he gave me 3 or 4 minutes to centre myself so by the time he walked back in, eyes on the ground, I was already in position, posing again and I felt slightly more relaxed since we'd talked although that didn't make sense. When I had thought about meeting Jungkook, or any member of BTS, I had imagined it at a concert or fan signing. Not naked. Not having him draw me. Nothing could've remotely prepared me for this. While I thought about all that, the time passed, the sound of brushes and sketching was heard as canvases were filled and somehow the last 45 minutes went by. I'd made a point of not really looking Jungkook's way and I think he'd done the same for me, at least not making eye contact. And it did make it easier to pretend he wasn't there, that he wasn't sketching the crevices of my body, putting something on paper that could last for a long time. This whole night was etched in my memory just like my form was etched onto the canvas and I wondered if he would remember it too once the canvas was finished and the art supplies were locked away or if his busy schedule meant it was gone from his mind the moment it had happened.

One by one the students finished their work, talked to the teacher, packed away their supplies and left. Jungkook was the last and that didn't surprise me. He was a perfectionist and would want to get it right. Get drawing me right. That felt weird to say in my head. Calling the teacher over, she nodded to me and I put the robe back on while they talked, bowing a little as I left the room with my clothes to change.

When I came back, the room was empty of students, the teacher putting the easels against the wall and I was disappointed. I didn't really expect a goodbye but I had felt some kind of something that needed closure. It didn't really matter though, I'd be thinking of this night for a long, long time.

"Do you need a hand," I asked her and she smiled at me, shaking her head.

"You did very well tonight Marley, I know it can be uncomfortable the first time but you should see how everyone drew you. They all captured so many different sides of you."

"Are the artworks still here," I asked, thinking they'd take them home with them when they left, not having noticed in previous weeks.

"Those that painted still have to wait for theirs to dry. One took hers home, she just drew tonight and Jungkook, well, he rushed out and said he'd come back to collect it another time. There was talk of him doing other sessions with me but I think he said he'd like those to be private ones. He's very talented."

"Yes, he is," I said, thinking of his stage presence. "Can I see what has been left behind?"

"Of course," she said, leading me over to a darkened side of the room, switching a light on so I could see what had been worked on tonight. I let my eyes roam over them slowly, seeing a more abstract painting which I knew had been from the other man, ones that more more realistic, all drawing out parts of me that left me feeling like they had only shown the good parts of me and ignored the flaws. I said that out loud and the teacher laughed.

"They see the things you don't see about yourself. You will see the bits you don't like but they are sketching the bigger picture. Like here for example, the way you had your legs resting look so long and elegant in the picture but I'm guessing you don't think your legs are that long." I nodded, smiling. "And here, in Jungkook's picture, the curves of your breasts are highlighted in such a way that they hint at fullness without making it look like you're a lingerie model. It's very feminine, he did a great job of capturing that about you."

I looked over his drawing, taking in the way he had put me on canvas, noting that he hadn't shied away from things like the slight rounding of my stomach but when he'd sketched it, he'd somehow made it look appealing. I don't know how he did it because I didn't see myself that way but it all still looked like me. I liked it, how he'd drawn me, wondering if that's how he really saw me. "They all did an amazing job," I said, pulling my eyes away from his canvas and meeting the teacher.

"I love seeing the end result, even though it was a short session and you usually need hours and hours to really capture someone, everyone worked hard and you can definitely see it's you. And I hope you'll come model for us again."

"Thank you, feel free to call me," I said as I bowed my goodbye, grabbing my bag and leaving the classroom. As I pulled the door closed behind me, I banged straight into Jungkook who was hovering around the door in the dimmed hallway light. "Oh sorry," I exclaimed, caught off guard.

"No, no, my fault, I was standing a bit close, wondering if I should go back in."

"Were you coming back for your picture," I asked, putting my handbag back on my shoulder from where it had slid down when we'd almost collided.

"No, actually, I was waiting for you." His voice was quiet, hat pulled down so I couldn't fully see his eyes but even in the haze of the half light, I could tell he was a little embarrassed. "I wanted to say goodbye. And thank you."

I swallowed at his words. He needed closure too? After our weird moments. And thank me? "Oh well, OK." My words jumbled out, not making much sense.

"Yes, I know it was uncomfortable for you but you let me stay and I think the picture turned out well."

"I saw it Jungkook, you did a beautiful job. Very flattering."

"Ah, thank you. But I just wanted to capture what I saw. Hopefully I did you justice." He bowed a little as he finished speaking and I wanted to reach out and touch him, tucking my hands behind my back to hold myself in place instead of doing something stupid.

"Yes, it was better than I could've thought anyone could draw me. Better than I can draw," I laughed.

"You're not an artist," he asked, small talk holding us in this space for a little longer and I was fine with that.

"Not at all! I can't even draw pictures that 6 year olds can do."

"Some six year olds are good enough to sell their paintings," he joked and I rolled my eyes.

"You know what I mean," I replied. "My drawings end up looking like my nephew drew them. And he's four."

"I love art, I want to get better at painting as well as drawing. But I enjoyed tonight."

I swallowed again at his words, noting his eyes falling from mine, down my body and back up again. It felt like he was undressing me and knowing that he'd seen everything under my clothes made my cheeks heat up a little. "Hmmmm, I didn't not enjoy it," I said.

"I have a question," he said, fidgeting on the spot and all of a sudden he looked younger and more uncertain than he had when his eyes were calculating my body just moments earlier. "Would you pose again but just for me?"

My heartbeat escalated and my hands felt clammy, slipping off each other where I had been clasping them together. "Ah, like I did tonight you mean?"

"It doesn't have to be naked. I missed a few of the sessions because we travel a lot. I've done some before with other groups but I feel like I could use the practice. Posing however you are comfortable, in what you're wearing is fine too."

I looked down at the jeans and sweatshirt I was going home in, knowing they weren't designer labels or brands he was likely used to. "Well, maybe?"

"I'd pay you of course," he rushed on, "I wouldn't expect your time for free."

"It's not about the money. I just can't help wonder if you're even allowed?"

He sighed. "I do have a life outside of BTS or at least I am trying to keep my hobbies up so I can have some kind of balance in my life. I find drawing relaxing. And we do have our own places now so it's not like the members are always around although they do stop by a lot. But don't tell ARMY, they think we all still live together all the time."

"I won't, as long as you don't hang the picture somewhere everyone can see. That would be embarrassing."

"But I'm kind of proud of it. I think it turned out well. Surely it should go on the living room wall?"

I looked at him, horrified at the thought only to see him cracking up at my panicked face. Reaching out, I smacked him on the arm, hard enough to hear the slap echo through the hallway before realising what I'd done.

"Sorry, that was bit harder than I should've done," I said quickly.

"So, you're not apologising for hitting me, just that it was too hard," he asked with a laugh as he rubbed the spot I'd hit him. "Noted. And I can take it."

"I'm sure you can," I said, knowing Jungkook went hard at everything he did.

"But I won't put it in the living room, I have a space in my dressing room I can see it going though. Very few people go in there but I think it would be a good place for it to be displayed. Something I can look at while I pick what to wear and get dressed."

There was something about the thought of my naked form being on the wall in his private space that made me gulp. It almost felt intimate, not that posing naked hadn't already felt that way. I was starting to feel a little like I was suffocating from all the emotions of the night, needing fresh air again. I took a step towards the door that lead to outside and he tentatively fell into step beside me.

"Is it OK if I walk you out?"

"Of course, thank you," and he pulled the door open for me, holding it as we entered the cold night air. Quickly pulling his mask into place, he dropped his hands into the baggy pockets of his trackpants, rocking on his feet as the chill began to permeate my bones. "So, ah, will you?"

"Model for you," I asked, blowing on my hands to warm them up, freezing as I'd forgotten to pack gloves. He reached for them, sandwiching them between his own, warming me up from the heat of his body and the fact he had a hold of me again.

"Yes, if you think you want to?" He met my eyes and I didn't falter under them this time, confident in my answer.

"For continuity of learning. Because you're already familiar with my body, I think I can agree to it. In the name of art of course." I smiled a little, hoping he could tell I was teasing.

"I'm a little familiar with your body, not as much as I'd like to be," he said, the teasing wiped from my face, the tone not innocent at all, his eyes blazing. Tonight I had seen intensity, uncertainty and softness in them and all of them I never expected to see up close like this. It was all very overwhelming.

"So, when did you, ah, want to do the next art session?"

"I leave for two weeks overseas in five days time. Do you have time before then?"

I did a quick check in my head, my week ahead booked out with things I really couldn't cancel. Apart from tonight. The plan had been Netflix and to relax after I had finished here but that didn't sound like something I wanted to do anymore when I maybe had other things on offer. "I don't really," and I saw his eyes fall at my words, his grip on my hands loosening a little. "Apart from right now." I bit my lip, waiting for Jungkook to answer.

His cheeks rose under the mask, eyes lifting to mine again and he squeezed his hands together, once more holding mine tighter. "Now works for me. Keep up the momentum that we started earlier. I mean that I started earlier. With the drawing I mean."

I smiled at the fumbling over his words, he was cute and I was beginning to relax round him more with each passing moment spent close to him. "OK then. Since it seems to work for both of us, shall we go?"

"Yes, to mine? I have art supplies there."

I tried not to react at all to the thought of hanging out at Jungkook's apartment. Clearly not how I thought my night would finish. "I'm not ruining your plans though am I?"

"I didn't really have plans after the art class tonight," I said. "Just Netflix and relaxing."

"We can still watch Netflix and relax if you'd rather. I could paint you while we do?"

"I'm up for anything," I answered, beginning to feel the cold seeping into my toes. "Only, can we go soon. I'm freezing!"

He quickly shrugged out of his jacket and draped it over me, even when I protested he'd be cold now instead. "No, no, it's fine. We're about to get in my car and it has heated seats, we'll both be warm soon. As long as that's alright with you? I can drop you back to your car, once we're... finished?"

There was a lot unsaid in that word. I could read into it, all the things playing out in my mind right now, making my cheeks flush but mirrored in his eyes. So I left the words on my tongue and nodded, letting him lead me to his car. And as he opened the door, guiding me inside the front, I finally let some words slip out my mouth. "Are you going to draw me like your French girls?"

He laughed, understanding the reference straight away. "Haven't I already done that?"

"I don't know what you're talking about. I was meaning eating a croissant over breakfast tomorrow," and I raised an eyebrow at him, throwing a wink as I pulled the door closed leaving him standing in the cold, speechless before he pulled his mask down, smile spreading across his whole face. And as he reached for the door handle to slide into the front seat, I knew the night didn't just hold drawing and Netflix.