I hear you

It was stupid. Clearly jet lag was making me make bad choices because ARMY was everywhere on a concert day. I'd driven out with security to do a little sightseeing from the car before we headed to soundcheck, craving a coffee on the way there so we'd pulled into a side street and hopped out to walk into a small, out of the way coffee shop. But not small and out of the way enough.

It was easy to tell ARMY, especially on a day they were gathering for a concert. There was usually purple involved somewhere whether it was a top or a key chain, maybe a BT21 tag on their handbag giving a clue to their bias. From what I could see, two ARMY were in the line ahead of me and so I hovered back, pretending I was looking at the cabinet food to let more people go in front of me, head lowered just in case, grateful for the hat I wore.

One of the girls had long, dark thick hair and it caught my eye. There was something about long hair that I'd always loved although I didn't have a type as such. But hers was almost down to her waist and it drew my attention as I waited for them to order. I also noticed she had a VIP band on her wrist which meant she was going in early for soundcheck today and likely to be near the front. That was something to look forward to, I loved soundcheck and now I'd be searching for a pretty girl with long hair.

She seemed to be signing and I wondered, if she was deaf and how she could enjoy the music if she was. People talked about how our music crosses over gender, age and ethnicity. I loved the thought of everyone being ARMY, even maybe someone who might have trouble hearing it all.

Up until then she had been talking to her friends and then she turned slightly and saw me, raising an eyebrow briefly in surprise but in true ARMY style she gave me space, didn't get out her phone to take a photo and let me be. I appreciated that, an ARMY who is respectful of our private time. Lowering my head a little, I watched her group leave and she only glanced briefly my way, smiling as our eyes met and drifted apart once they hit each other. I could add pretty eyes to the things I'd be searching for at soundtrack. Intense, deep, vibrant ones.

When we got up to the front, one of the servers informed me with a smile that my drink had been paid for and a note left written on the takeaway cup. "Thank you, your music gives me peace." And I was touched by the fact she'd done that for me when I was the one who always wanted to thank ARMY for all their love and support to us. As I sipped, I thought and planned.

Two hours later I was gazing out over the crowd as the soundtrack started. If the camera focused on me, they'd have thought I was impassive to everything around me, my resting face often looked bored. But they'd have been wrong as I was looking for someone in particular as my eyes drifted across the crowd. There were always a few hundred, sometimes thousand, people there and I was hoping she'd stand out, at least to me.

As I moved amongst my brothers, I kept an eye out and finally I saw her, watching me now as I watched her. Painfully aware someone else could steal her attention at any stage, I actioned my plan, tucking my mic in my pocket for a moment so I had both hands to sign.

"Thank you for the drink. You have very pretty eyes." It was likely clumsy and I felt my cheeks go a little warm as I blushed that I was doing this. Especially if a camera happened to pick up on it too.

Her eyes grew big and she dropped her mouth in surprise before I danced away but I caught her managing to sign out a thank you before I turned away, not able to hide the grin from the fact we'd connected. I knew I needed to get out the rest of what I wanted to say because there was very little chance I'd be able to find her in the crowd tonight once the concert started. So when I headed back that way again, I did the same thing, tucking my microphone away and using my hands.

"You, me, coffee, 10am," and she looked like she got it, signing something back with a nod. Maybe she was asking where or saying something else that I desperately wanted to know but I didn't understand, hoping she understood that I'd be at the same coffee shop tomorrow at 10am. I'd only had a little time to look up signs and hoped she knew I was trying.

The rest of the soundcheck went quickly, constantly looking her way and always when I did, she was watching me. There was an excitement in her eyes and I was surprised that she was easily mouthing along with the words. Waving out a goodbye in general to the crowd as we were leaving and specifically a 'see you tomorrow' in her direction, unable to see if she saw that, all I could do was hope she did see and would be there to meet me.

Tucking myself away at a table near the back, security keeping a discreet distance at another table, I looked up each time the door opened, hoping we had understood each other. And right on time, she walked through the door and I instantly stood up, bowing my head as she shyly made her way over. Her hair was pulled out of the way, tied in a loose bun at the nape of her neck and it showed off her skin as it disappeared under the pretty top she was wearing.

Indicating for her to have a seat, she glanced at the menu, pointing to the drink she wanted when the server came over to take our order and then she pulled out her phone and showed me a message she had typed ready.

"It's nice to meet you Min Yoongi-ssi. Thank you for inviting me. I can sometimes read lips and sometimes I will use my phone to talk to you. You signed very well yesterday."

"Thank you, I only learned a little. Am I talking slowly enough," I asked and she nodded in return, eyes glued to my mouth. It was more than a little unnerving to have someone watching me so intently which was strange to say considering ARMY analysed every move we made. It made me want to rub the corner of my mouth with my thumb, wondering if I had a bit of froth left there from the drink I had been sipping. I'd arrived early and ordered straight away, feeling weird sitting by myself but I didn't mind having a second coffee, I usually needed multiple in the day to keep me going, especially in late night recording sessions. I was just thankful she was watching my mouth and wasn't watching my eyes. I found it hard to look for too long at people without feeling stripped back and bare, especially if I hardly knew them. "What is your name?"

"Ara," she answered and I saw it suited her. She was beautiful and good.

"I think your rapping is awesome," Ara typed on her phone, holding it up for me to see.

"Thank you," I answered and she smiled, stirring the coffee that was now placed in front of herself, looking away from my mouth for a moment and I took that time to have a sip myself.

When she looked back I had a question. "Is it OK to ask, how do you experience the music if you have trouble hearing it?"

She smiled and typed again. "I feel it."

"Like, the beat under your feet?"

"Yes, I can feel the vibrations, usually under my feet. That's how I know I love your rapping, the way it flows with the music."

On a whim, I asked another question, one that my members would raise their eyebrows at because it was my private space but I felt like I wanted to. "Do you want to come to my studio after this? I've just laid down some new tracks and I think you'll like feeling the beats."

Her eyes lit up, smile grew huge and she nodded enthusiastically. I knew I'd made the right call suggesting it as the rest of our time was easy, chatting about study and music, I was enjoying myself and the fact the conversation was sometimes hampered and slowed down by typing and reading what the other was trying to say didn't make a difference. As we both gathered our things, my hand brushed hers as we reached for our phones and I had to stop myself from reacting, dropping into the straight face Yoongi that was visible on many BTS related content. It helped to keep my real feelings at bay and now, it stopped the small spark from showing on my features. That wasn't ever something that was safe to show in public, for both our sakes.

"If you go out first, my security will show you what car to get into and then I can follow. I hope you understand, we can't leave the cafe at the same time."

"I understand Yoongi-ssi," she typed and I nodded at one of my staff who stood up and come over, indicating for her to follow once they'd understood what I wanted.

It gave me a chance to sit as I waited a few minutes before following. Specifically about what the heck I was doing inviting a fan to my studio but more, how much I really wanted to communicate with my hands.

Ara looked small as we travelled, putting her trust in me and my staff, watching the world go by from the interior of our car. It felt normal to me to travel this way, in silence often but with others keeping me safe. But for her, the whole world was silent and it struck me as I watched her watch the world, that she always seemed to have a small smile on her lips. As if, despite the fact she couldn't hear, the world was in fact a beautiful place.

I wanted to escort Ara from the car but I went first, indicating for her to stay for a few minutes with staff so if anyone was filming, they'd follow me and not her. She didn't need to be exposed to that crazy part of my world. Opening up the studio ready, I quickly checked to see if there was anything messy or crazy visible, tucking a drawer closed where I kept emergency snacks for when I stayed in there for days at a time.

Hearing a light knock on the door, I opened it, thanking security for bringing her to me then standing back for Ara to come in. She did, with wide eyes, looking around my dark space, personal to me and one I didn't share with many people. Closing the door behind us, I smiled, pointing to a chair for her to sit down. And then I wondered what to do next. It had been a gut decision to invite her and I didn't regret it but I wasn't sure how to show her my music. I'd just laid down the tracks for a new song I was working on and so I scrolled to that, wondering if she could feel it if I turned it up a lot so the vibrations came through the floor.

Her face lit up as the music started and I typed on my phone, asking her if she could feel it to which she nodded enthusiastically. Grabbing a mic, I rapped along and she watched my lips for the words, my face for expressions and I knew I was probably going too fast for her to pick everything up.

"Oh, I love it," she said with her hands and I understood even though I hadn't learnt those signs, it was pretty clear to interpret. Her feet were tapping along in time and I wanted to show her more, get a similar reaction.

"What about if I feel it another way," she typed. "May I," and reached her hand up, placing it on my neck to feel me rapping. I faltered a little under the warmth of her touch although I carried on as I wanted her to keep her hand there and feel as much of what I was saying as she could. "Oh, I hear you," she typed and everything in my body twisted, like her words were the sweetest I'd ever heard. My stomach felt like waves were flowing through it, nerves and emotions clashing. And now, as I looked at her, I felt braver than I thought I could with a stranger.

"This might work too," I typed and moved her hand lightly from my neck to chest, letting her feel the rise and fall of my lungs and chest as the words came from inside me. She nodded, not letting her eyes leave mine as I moved my mouth, words sailing from the depths of my soul straight into her fingertips.

Then somehow my hands were linked together with hers and it felt more intimate than almost anything else I'd ever done. Ara stood before me, trusting that I'd help her feel and connect with the music I had written, hand warm in mine.

"Does that help you feel the music too," I asked, looking down at where our hands were joined, enjoying the softness and smoothness of her hand in mine, thumb itching to move across the surface beneath it.

"No, I just wanted to hold your hand," she typed quickly with her free one and I grinned. Bold, I liked it.

"What about your mouth? Do you use that to feel too," I asked, way out of my comfort zone asking that question but I'd trusted everything about our interactions and she responded exactly like I hoped.

"I feel a lot with my mouth too," she typed and I nodded, holding her eyes as I raised an eyebrow. She nodded in return, a shy acceptance of what I was offering, no need to type anything this time, I recognised that answer and leaned in, making sure to watch her reactions to validate I was right.

And when I saw her eyes drift closed, watched as she tilted her slim, creamy neck back a little to hold her lips up towards mine, I brought our hands up between us against my chest. Squeezing her fingers lightly just before our lips touched, I knew she'd be able to feel my breath against her face already and know I was so close. I was moving slowly as I didn't want to surprise her but she was ready and as I closed my eyes too, our lips brushing across the surface of each others pink pillows and I fell. Hard. Big time. Knowing my hands would be learning lots of new things in the next few weeks and maybe even the next few minutes.