It is that time of year, or so says EDI. The standard galactic calendar makes it very difficult to know what earth day it actually is. Crossing the starry ocean, meeting people from other worlds, fighting Reapers. It can make anyone lose track, especially since I never really lived on Earth. The alliance strives for everyone to enjoy their own respective holidays. My mother and I celebrated Christmas. I loved the time I had with my mother; I never missed a Christmas with her until… Now is not the time to dread bad memories.
My mom loves to bake sugar cookies. The crew and I would decorate the minority that wasn't horribly burnt. If only her crew now knows she can't use an oven. Liara says asari have two winter holidays. One is for the celebration of the year's end. The other is actually celebrating the day asari discovered the council. Neither of which enjoy gift giving. Not that it is going to stop me from getting her something. I'm going to send an announcement to the crew that we are going to have a Christmas party before we dock at the citadel. One last hurrah before I turn myself into the alliance. Hopefully they'll overlook my cooperation with Cerberus given my record and saving the batarian colony. Explaining it will be a whole other endeavor.
I wonder how the Christmas spirit will be different. As much as I love Christmas with my mom, it isn't much of a celebration with only the two of us. Not that the time wasn't special. I count my blessings with my mother first. I think having so many people will help distract my thoughts of her being without her only child. Video Chatting with her through the omnitool just isn't the same. On a lighter note, it will be a very special Christmas this year with Garrus, Thane, Grunt, Samara, Tali, and *********. I sent an email to all Cerberus members saying we will be having a Christmas party soon. I've been waiting till we docked at Illium so the crew have the opportunity to buy gifts. The click on my desktop has set something in motion. The ground is vibrating. My model ships are trembling on the wall, Sovereign falls to the ground, breaking a leg. The fish swim quickly back and forth as if they are attempting to flee a predator. There are no earthquakes in space. Did the engine break down? We just had it repaired and I paid top dollar. I mean credits. What is… oh… Jesus christ.
"IT'S CHRISTMAS!" ********* excitedly flies into my room wearing a premium santa outfit. That belt looks like real leather with decorative green mistletoe stitching.
"Why didn't anyone tell me sooner? I haven't celebrated Christmas in who knows how long" ********* said.
"I should've figured this would happen. I take it you like Christmas?" I asked.
"YES! It is my second favorite holiday" ********* said.
"What's the first?" I ask.
"Halloween" he said.
"Why is that?" I ask.
"Because I can transform into a xenomorph and people will think it is just an awesome costume" ********* said.
"Do I want to know?" I ask.
"Probably not. Shepard what do you want? I'll get you one of anything for being the best future zombie space cyborg commander ever! Budget of $50 limit of course" he joked.
"You can start by fixing my model. You flying in here broke his little leg" I point out.
"Oh sure. Sorry about that. I'm surprised you paid for that thing. I never got into models and while I don't exactly know how prices are in this universe, it still seemed expensive" he transforms my defeated adversary into an in-box mint condition one. "Here you go. Now you can peel off the protective layer off the overpriced Chinese plastic all over again."
"It's elcorian. Something about their world produces better materials and besides, I thought you didn't believe in stealing from shopkeepers" I said.
"I said it is good to participate so the owner can afford to send their kids to college. A little turian girl shouldn't have to go to mandatory bootcamp. Look how Garrus turned out" he said.
"Garrus is the exception not the norm. How have you been since the dispersal thing? Did it hurt?" I asked.
"No, it didn't hurt in a traditional sense, but it wiped me out good and weeeww I can't do that ever again. On the plus side, nearly being wiped away from existence makes a certain quarian woman EXTRA affectionate. A whole day of kisses, snuggles, rar rargh, nap, repeat" he said.
"You really like being touched huh? Most men I know either are ok with or like it but not to your extent" I point out.
"When you can sense the energy of the other person, it enhances the experience, and you appreciate any good feelings when you were in constant pain for years." he said.
"Years!" I shouted.
"Yeah, it was not good. Point is I got out of it and am going to enjoy this side of the physical spectrum" he said.
"Damn. Well good for you. You deserve it." He really does.
"Speaking off, I should go back and explain to Tali what Christmas is. I'm getting really excited. Shep send me a list."
"Hold on, quick question. What happened to Jack? She is acting like her old self and not in a good way, also Miranda says she keeps stopping by her office to talk to her, but then she leaves without saying a peep. What is going on?" I ask.
"Ehhh… It is my fault. She asked me for help with something and I suggested forgiveness as a quick nervous system trauma release, but I didn't explain it in a digestible manner. I wasn't thinking and told her she should forgive Cereberus fo-"
"Are you nuts!" I yelled.
"Please don't interrupt. I have first amendment rights and that includes the right to finish my sentences and it bugs me when I'm rudely cut off. Yeah, I know how it sounds to people, but it really does help. Doesn't excuse what they did to her though" he said.
"Wait… aren't you contradicting yourself? Forgive but not excuse their crimes? I don't get it" I said.
"Forgiveness to heal your soul, French guillotine to stop it from ever happening again" he said.
"I didn't think you'd be for the death penalty" I said.
"Oh, I'm not. We don't want those guys on our side just yet. You keep them until they expire from undetermined causes" he said.
"I… I…" ********* patiently waits for me to finish my train of thought. "I think this is a debate for another time. Before you go. Quick question. Is Santa real? My mother said since we lived on a ship, Santa didn't have a chimney to enter our apartment."
"And the fact you are in space" ********* said.
"And the fact we were in space. Is he real?" I ask.
********* nods his head, thinking deeply. "I'll call a guy."
POP!
Oh, the space outside is frightful
But the fire is so delightful
And since we've no place to go
Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!
Man it doesn't show signs of stopping
And I brought me some corn for popping
The emergency lights are turned way down low
Let it snow! Let it snow!
When we finally extinguish the fire
Oh how Tali hates the flame
EDI restores the power
Zaheed loves spraying the fire retardant foam
All the way over there Grunt is warm
And the fire is slowly dying
And, my dear, is mad
But as long as you'd love me so
Let it snow! Let it snow and snow!
"STOP SINGING" Jack yells.
"It is not my fault the Christmas tree got on fire. Mordin, what kind of decorations did you put on?" I asked.
The salarain covered in gymnosperm hair answers "Timed biological reactions that produce fluorescent colors. Must have miscalculated."
Grunt saddened by the death of the holy Christmas flame "I like this tradition."
Miri says "You like anything involving fire."
Zaheed says "Men love fire." I concur.
Samara says "worry not. The presents have been saved thanks to Mr. Krios."
Thane says "item extraction under dangerous situations. Basic training situation."
Tali asks "Why even bring a tree indoors?"
Jacob answers "Because it smells good." Tali shakes her frustrated head. If only her suit would allow the smell of sweet scent of pine needles.
Kelly while she hangs up her stockings, she hand made for everybody, says "can this be a traumatic memory we suppress this time? Honestly this is minor for the things that happen on this ship."
Shepard asks "Do you guys really want to fix the tree, or should we move on to gift giving?"
By unanimous decision, gift giving. Kelly and I hand out the presents to everybody. No surprise Shepard and Miri have the largest ones. Someone is brown nosing. Shepard says the youngest goes first then we circle around. I voice my complaint about being last. It is ageist. I tried to get Samara to agree with me but no dice.
Shepard and crew have fun exchanging presents. I loved watching Tali open her presents. Gift giving is a very rare thing in her culture. She was ecstatic at the tools Ken and Gabby gave her. Garrus gave her a case for her favorite shotgun. Shepard gave her a model of one of the migrant fleet ships. Rael stayed back and watched. He didn't want to impose. Kelly made her a somewhat tacky dress that goes over Tali's suit. That is something she'll wear once and the closet monster will then eat after I bribe it with chocolate cake. I felt bad for Thane and Samara. They didn't ask for anything because Thane might not be around long enough to enjoy it. I'm not sure how his treatment is affecting his condition and Samara's code prohibits her from owning anything but the essentials.
I got a lot of handmade stuff. Grunt glued spaghetti on a paper plate to form my portrait. I love how big he made my muscles. Kelly knitted me a hat. Shepard gave me an honorary alliance member shield. Tali made me a keychain inscribed with the words "my cherished, I love you always." I'm keeping that on me forever. Garrus says turians give out carved wood idols for his people's holiday and gave me a meditating buddha he made himself and is an impressive figure. I love it.
Jack asks "Is that it?"
I said "Nope. My turn to give presents… or should I say for Santa Claus to give out my presents" I stroll on over to the kitchen. Sets of eyeballs drill into the back of my head, and a couple on my bottom cheeks. The oven is the closest thing we have for a fireplace. Shouldn't be an issue for him. Kneeling down, I pull down the oven door.
"Come on out already. Remember you owe a favor for upgrading the sleigh" I screamed to the rear heating element. I feel the buzzing. He is coming. As I stand up, a bright red bag with cords of gold falls out. My foot moves it aside so Santa has a spot to easily stand.
"HOHOHO Merry Christmas everybody!" Jolly Saint Nick said. The humans in the audience don't believe their eyes. They weren't even this shocked when I got ousted by Thane who by the way along with the other aliens have no idea who this guy is. Grunt the exception is smiling ear to ear.
"I don't wish to impose but is there another Santa in this universe?" he asked.
"I haven't checked. Don't worry we are in space a long way from Earth. If one exists here, he'll never know" I said.
Joker is the first to break the ice "This is Santa? A Real Santa Claus? Kris Kringle himself?"
Santa removes his black leather gloves, pointing to the overgrown child in a wheelchair "Mr. Moreau, I can tell you've been an excellent pilot this year. You will be receiving a very special gift."
Shepard asks "what is going on? ********* Did you time travel and become an old man? This can't actually be Santa."
"You must be Commander Shepard. ********* has said so many good things about you. All these gifts in my bag are from him. Let me pull out yours. Ah here we go. HOHO I forgot how BIG this is." Santa turns his bag upside down and shakes out the Spectre's gift. Slowly but surely, gravity pulls down a premium massage chair that couldn't possibly fit in his bag."
Garrus asks "What in the spirits is going on?"
I explain "Long story short I went to a random Earth universe and read a conspiracy theory that there was a hole at the north pole that led to middle earth. Instead, I found this guy's workshop. Turns out he is an energy manipulator as well. Not as skilled as me but can copy himself millions of times, we got to talking, one thing led to another, and I helped save Christmas. The end."
Santa says "Yes it was quite fortunate for us to meet. I was told I have very special gifts for aliens. Who is Mr. Vakarian.
"I-um-I am" Garrus stands up.
"Well, aren't you a tall boy. This is for you. Merry Christmas son" He said. I love how he raises the vibe. The frequency he does is so unique. He hands Garrus a rectangular blue box with a white blue. Garrus takes it and rattles it. Making sure it isn't booby trapped. His sharp talons rip the bow to shreds. The lid pops off. I explained the antique to him.
"This is a copy of the gun which fired the legendary shot heard around the world. It triggered a series of historical events which led to the creation of my country, the greatest country to ever exist. Be respectful of its power. It is a simple black powder pistol" I present the legendary relic like a crown maker to a king. Garrus eyes me suspiciously.
"Did you fire that shot?" he asks.
"Let's leave that a mystery," I said.
Tali blurts out "he didn't."
My cartoonish reaction of surprise sets the mood "Oh! How do you know that? Were you there?"
Tali replies "If you actually did, your lips would slightly curl" uh oh she is learning.
"Moving on. Grunt… Santa has this for you… every little boy and girl would love to have this" in his hand is a small metallic red box with a green bow. I forgot how large Grunt is. His sausage sized fingers can't until the bow. Samara helps him out and gently pulls the bow apart. Grunt is confused. A lock of long brown animal hair.
"What is this?" Grunt asks.
"It is a lock of Rudolph the red nose reindeer's hair. Don't ask me how I got it." I said. Grunt smiles with the innocent glossy eyes of a child. Who knew a happy krogan looks so adorable.
"You must be joking" Miri said.
Santa turns to me "How did you get that? I don't like others around my animals."
"Relax, the Rudolph I got this from could talk" I said.
Chakwas asks "How many Santas do you know?"
I quickly answer "Eh, not many."
"Rudolph's real?" He asks with the brightest hopeful soul touching eyes.
"Not in this universe" I said without thinking. Kelly lightly slaps the back of my head. "I mean I never checked. Heck, I haven't even been to this universe's earth except for my arrival." Grunt asks Kelly to braid it for him and she agrees. I think Grunt likes his present. Next turn.
"Zaheed this is for you" I hand him a gift that is so tightly wrapped. Didn't want Santa's thick fingers to touch this. The shape is an obvious giveaway it is a small pistol. A rather strange one at that.
"Another peashooter? What good is this one?" he asked.
"This one disintegrates anything it shoots. Be very careful with this" I said.
He replied "What fun would that be?"
Miri is next. Santa gives her a brown bag stuffed with white tissue paper. She opens her gift, surprised by the ounce of gold, then confused by frankincense, and myrrh.
"It is for when you finally decide to have the savior. Oh Jacob this is for you" The gift of trojans.
"The church will be made if the returned christ is mixed race. Moving on. Joker, this is a gift from myself, Dr. Chakwas, and Mordin."
"Why isn't Santa emptying his bag?" he asked.
"Because he doesn't have it. This is going to feel super weird. No time like the present for your present. HERE WE GO!" I place my palm on his forehead.
"WAIT!" he screams. Slurpy noises.
"What did you just do to me?" Jeff asked.
"I just replaced your skeleton with something Mordin was able to 3D print using stem cells Chakwas reprogrammed. We hope this cures you of your brittle bone disease, but we aren't sure. I can always replace it with the original if something goes wrong" I said.
Joker, shocked, asks "Really? I'm cured?"
Grunt says "let's test it" and punches Joker's arm. A disgusting snap is heard. Our pilot screams in pain. In a second, I block his pain signals.
"I said replaced, not coated in adamantium. Grunt! They can still be broken by a krogan. Apologize to the pilot."
Santa says "Do I need to take back your present and give you a lump of coal?"
"NO! I'm sorry Mr. Joker" Grunt says.
"OW! Fuc-fudge that burns. Actually, it felt different. Still hurts incredibly but it felt… weird. Am I really cured?" Joker asked.
Dr. Chakwas replied "Mordin and I conducted a series of stress tests on the skeleton we produced, and it is comparable to typical human bones. If you have any negative reactions, please see me immediately."
"Will I have any rejection issues?" Joker asked.
"I believe not. We modified the genome of your stored stem cells, so rejection is highly unlikely" She said.
Santa hands a picture frame to Mordin. Inside holds a large gold coin of great significance.
"Mordin, I made you an honorary nobel prize. Look, it has your face on it."
Santa cheerfully walks to the Doctor. "Who is this cutie? She looks just like Mrs. Claus." It is fun watching Chakwas turn red and brush her hair back. This gift I need to retrieve myself. Santa holds his large polar bear hide bag out wide. I dive towards the bottom and find the (semi)toxic item.
"Chakwas, one of the very first medical books published in English. Careful the pretty green dye contains arsenic. Wash your hands after reading" I said.
"Jack I have-"
"Bite me." the grinch said.
Santa says "That is not very merry." Jack tells Santa to screw himself. I tell him to forgive her because she has a problem. Santa is still mad, but he doesn't hold grudges.
"I am leaving this here." I use my left hand to dig through the empty bag and manifest the remaining gifts. Thane this is for you. A small metal needle that floats in the air controlled by thoughts. An assassin will make fine use out of this. I'll train you later. Samara is a new metal hand band thingy. I had no idea what to get you. Kelly, this is fabric woven by a Greek goddess. Make something cool with it. I think that is everybody.
Tali whispers "I think you are forgetting someone…"
"I did not forget you sweetheart. I want to give my gift to you in private." The girls oooooh.
"Stop it. Not like that. I want wholesome vibes for Christmas. Don't make me make him give you coal."
Santa squinted his judging eyes at me "You're dating an alien?"
I replied, "She seduced me with her kindness."
Santa reminisces "Just like my wife. Listen all, I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a happy new year. I have to return home and prepare to give the children of my world all the toys and games and all things good boys and girls deserve. Merry Christmas Everybody. HOHOHO" Santa slowly turns to particles of gold and fades away, back to his home universe.
…
…
…
"Guys the silence is getting awkward. Please say something" I ask.
Miri starts to speak "Did.. Did.. Did the actual Santa Clause just give us all presents?"
"Oh don't be like that. He gives presents to everyone in one night. This was barely an inconvenience for him" I said.
Cleanup is easy when one can instantly dispose of the torn apart wrapping paper. Everyone is enjoying their gifts. I take Tali's hand, pulling her up, then leading her into the closet hallway. I give her something close to my heart. A small green box with glass windows. Inside is a Christmas tree with a train that spins in circles. Underneath is a metal piece that winds the interior music box.
Tali takes her gift into her hand. "This is beautiful but why are you giving me this?"
"When I was really little, I had to go to a specialist and to calm me down, my parents gave me this. It is one of the earliest memories I have. This is sedimental. It reminds me of my family. I want you to have it because you're my family now.
"You're my family too. I love you. Thank you for the best present ever. We'll have to do this every year."
"Can't wait. Also… Tali… I love you too" my arms wrap tightly around my girlfriend. Our heads pressed tightly together. My entire energy system, all the nerves in my spine sync up to my dear Tali's. What more can a guy ask for? This was a really good Christmas.
Tali asks "When are we going to tell everyone?"
"We'll tell them together tomorrow. Let's enjoy the day."