Crystal Blue Persuasion
A Konosuba Story By Andrew Joshua Talon
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. Konosuba is the property of Natsume Akatsuki, Yen Press, and Drive. Please support the official release.
The inn provided us breakfast as part of our overall fee. So we didn't have to pay more. It was quiet, thankfully. Looks like I wasn't the only one to have woken up with a hangover.
That was somewhat comforting. Kind of. My physical pain was receding and I was wide awake. No bags under my eyes. A little sore, but that was... Perhaps understandable.
No, the pain I suffered was far more metaphysical.
"Open up and say 'ah', Kazuma~!"
I stared at Aqua. She was beaming like the sun and holding up a fork with some eggs perched atop it.
She had claimed my lap the moment we'd sat down, but even now, Megumin was on my right, trying to not-so-subtlety push Aqua aside. She too held up a fork with food, and poked my cheek with it.
"No, no, eat from me, Kazuma," she growled.
"I wouldn't mind you eating my food, Master," Darkness said. She began to tremble, and held her hands to her cheeks as she sighed on my left side.
"Or-Or if you wanted to put your food on my naked body and eat off me... Just use me as a serving plate, then slake your lusts with my body-"
"How about we all just eat normally, huh?" I tried. "Let's all just have breakfast and... And do that."
"As my husband wishes~," Aqua giggled, kissing my cheek. She still didn't get out of my lap. Megumin pouted, and cuddled up to me even as she ate her food. Darkness obeyed, looking to me for approval every time she chewed. I sighed and nodded, and she smiled excitedly.
"Am... Am I pleasing you, Master?" She asked.
"Sure are, good work chewing," I deadpanned. Darkness sighed, and trembled again.
Oh great. Now she had a praise kink. Wonderful.
We finally got breakfast over with. It was difficult with my party members all trying to cuddle, grope, and hug onto me... And all the villagers wishing us well.
Sure, at one point in my life I would have loved to get thumbs up from strong men. Acceptance as a fellow Chad, a fellow Bro, who did not live by the rules put into place by the Virgin Beta Males running civilization who were jealous of our obvious superior masculinity.
But just like with isekai, there's the fantasy, and then there's the reality.
The reality was... I was in shock. I had totally disconnected from my emotions out of sheer, desperate, pitiful self preservation. The weather was sunny, perfect for travel. There was bird song in the air. The scent of summer washed over my nostrils pleasantly.
It was... Ideal.
"I packed our bags for our trip home, darling~!" Aqua cried, carrying a few packs with Darkness in tow.
"I did more, Master!" Darkness said eagerly. "Will you use me as a pack mule, Master?"
"Sure," I sighed. Megumin meanwhile was cuddled up against me.
"Do you think I could practice Explosion on the way home, Kazuma?" She asked with a big smile.
"Yup."
"Ooh! Can you stop and get us some wildflowers, Kazuma?"
"Sure. Why not."
"Look! Doesn't that cloud look like a baby, Kazuma? A wonderful baby, made with our love?"
"Oh yeah. Sure does."
On and on it went. Aqua wasn't being quite as annoying. Megumin's requests for Explosion practice were surprisingly reasonable. Even Darkness' fetishes were toned down! Enough I could almost find them endearing, and not disturbing!
Which was the problem. I couldn't trust this. I couldn't trust any of this.
Any moment now, any moment now, my insane party members would go back to their old selves. They'd become ravenous, unreasonable, horrible idiots. Only now we were married. MARRIED! What kind of a nightmare scenario was this?!
Okay, yes, losing my virginity was a bonus... BUT NOT WITH THESE LUNATICS!
ESPECIALLY WHEN I COULDN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING!
My despair was interrupted by Megumin casting Explosion on the old Demon General's castle.
Megumin's blast was a riot of color and power, and even in my disconnected state, I nodded approvingly as the shockwave washed over me.
"Good work, Megumin."
"Ohhhh..." Megumin moaned from the ground, "Thank you for your praise, Kazuma... Carry me?"
"I can carry her!" Darkness said quickly. Megumin scowled into the dirt.
"You carried me before! He's my husband too!"
"He should carry me!" Aqua sighed. "My feet hurt! Your goddess wife needs some cuddle time!"
"You already got cuddle time!"
I sighed, and pulled Megumin up onto my back. She squealed softly in triumph, as Darkness and Aqua pouted.
"I'll carry her," I said dully.
"Then we'll take your arms," Aqua pouted, grabbing my right arm. Darkness took my left, and snuggled with me.
"Mmm... If you're okay with that, Master. You can chastise me for presumption if you wish~!"
"Sure," I sighed, "Darkness, stop being a cuddle whore."
"Oooh~! So harsh~!"
The entire trip back to Axel was like that. All the time.
We got back around sunset. We got our quest rewards. Luna blinked at me, as all three of my party members tried to suffocate me with their bodies.
"Uh... Everything go okay?" She asked.
"Mission accomplished," I said in a dead tone.
"Uhhh... Huh," Luna managed, staring in disbelief at the three girls. Her eyes narrowed.
"No offense, but... Detect Mind Control Magic!"
Nothing.
"Detect Love Potion!"
Nothing.
"Detect Lust Potion!"
Nothing.
"Detect Opiates!"
Aqua snorted.
"Come on! With my stats, there's no way he could do that to me!" She declared.
"Yes!" Megumin added, tightening her hold on me as she held onto my back. "Our husband would never do such a thing!"
"I'm okay if he wants to try that sort of play," Darkness giggled.
Luna's eyes bugged out. Her mouth opened wide. I begged Eris, just this once, can a terrible thing involving me not be broadcast far and wide?!
"HUSBAND?!"
Damnit Eris! You were my waifu! MY WAIFU!
The word echoed... Far and wide... I could feel every eye in the Guild Hall on us. Two of the waitresses dropped their serving trays. Megumin weakly held up her hand to show off her ring.
"Behold! The Crimson Demon Clan has gained a new, powerful member!" Megumin declared. "Together, my husband and fellow wives will change the world and destroy all evil! Our offspring will be numerous and ALL AWESOME!"
Which is how I got dragged into a second party over my group marriage. Eris help me.
"Kazuma~!"
"Husband~!"
"Master~!"
I could hear them. Hear their unnaturally happy voices as they called out to me in the night. I held my chest, as my heart beat like a taiko drum.
I had managed to Lurk my way out of the Guild House and into Axel's night time streets. There were only two people I could talk to about this situation.
Because... It had hit me. It was simple. It was so obvious.
I was sure my friends would agree the moment I found them!
I went in the back way into Wiz and Vanir's shop, easily picking the lock. I stumbled into the living area, where Wiz was enjoying some tea and Vanir was... Baking something. In a pink, frilly apron.
"I like to look domestic sometimes," Vanir sniffed.
"Ah, please do not hold a conversation with him telepathically," Wiz said, smiling warmly at me, "It's very rude. H-Hello Kazuma, how are you?"
"Terrible!" I cried, smiling maniacally at my favorite lich. She gasped.
"Oh my! How-What's happened?"
"Well I-"
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
I had tried to begin my explanation... When Vanir fell to the floor and began to laugh. I don't mean his annoying demonic snickers, which always sound so damn effeminate like some twink-looking Final Fantasy villain-I mean laugh. Full on belly laugh, tears from behind his mask, rolling around on the floor, laugh.
"IT'S NOT FUNNY!" I shouted.
Vanir looked up at me... And burst into helpless guffaws again. Wiz coughed.
"Ah... Perhaps you can just tell me while he's... Busy?"
"It's simple, Wiz," I said, nodding as I related my tale, "I saved Aqua from being burned at the stake on a mission. I had to claim she was my wife who was delusional and that Darkness and Megumin were our mistresses. I convinced the angry mob of all of this. It worked. They let her go. We had a big party. I got drunk. We apparently got actually married... And now my party members are all acting like they're madly in love with me, after a night where we allegedly all consummated our union! In short...!"
I smiled broadly like the entirely sane man I was.
"Clearly, some evil force has afflicted their minds! Making me think they love me! All to get my guard down so they can murder me! It's gotta be a plot by the Devil King from beyond the grave!"
Wiz blinked. She blinked again.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU'RE GONNA SEND ME BACK TO HELL KID AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"SHUT UP VANIR!"
Wiz led me to her bedroom, which normally I'd be panting like a bull about. Normally. Her closing the door to silence Vanir's laughter would have also brought all sorts of fantasies to mind.
Not now though. Now...
"Why do you think your party members are bewitched?" Wiz asked, as she gestured for me to sit on her bed. I sat down on it slowly, almost reverently. My manic smile was still in place on my face as I looked back up at her. Given the seriousness of the situation, I barely looked at her tits.
"B-Because it's the only explanation!" I said frantically. "How-How does that happen? There's no way they could agree to-to marry me! All of them! At the same time! It's-It's gotta be a plot! Or a prank! Yeah! YEAH! Maybe Aqua's trying to off me so she can live as a rich widow! Th-That's totally her plan! It has to be her plan! There's no way-!"
"Is it so hard to imagine that they might all truly love you?"
My heart caught in my throat. I looked down... Down... Past those amazing tits, right to the floor. The carpet was a lovely reddish brown color, nice, warm and homey. Yeah. Homey. Just like the ones in the mansion.
"I can... I can imagine a lot, haha, ya know... Lewd things?" I tried the joke. It tasted bitter in my mouth.
Wiz sat on the bed next to her. Her hands reached out, and gently she turned my head so she could look me in the eyes. I struggled against it-It felt too familiar all of a sudden. Too...
They laughed at your death, Kazuma!
"Kazuma," Wiz asked softly, "Why can't you imagine them... Or even think that they all could love you?"
Fuck. Fuck. Why did it have to be Wiz? The kindest, sweetest, cutest lich in the world? She felt so cool and comfortable, like a nice bed on a summer night.
What power (aside from boobs) did she have over me to make me feel shit?!
"... It's me, Wiz," I managed, "I... Back in Japan, I just... I kind of accepted that... That wasn't something for me. You know... That... No one would ever love me."
Wiz sniffled. Tears bulged at the corners of her eyes.
Oh goddamnit. I'd made Wiz cry. Now I felt even worse.
"What could possibly make you think that?!" Wiz sobbed.
"Well..."
Look. I hate having to recount my past. Fuck that noise. Naruto may have had a fetish for depressing flashbacks, but me? I'd prefer to leave everything back there. As bad as my life here can be... No.
But what was I supposed to do when Wiz was literally crying for me?! I made her cry!
So I told her... Pretty much everything. The girl who promised to marry me, who then ran off with her older boyfriend. The school... My shitty parents... Everything.
"Why... Why the hell am I thinking about that shit now?" I mumbled at the end. I couldn't even summon the will to make a shitty joke, to laugh it away.
"Because you're scared," Wiz said softly, "Scared about losing your family... When they've truly become family. You think that something this good, this wonderful... Can't be real."
"It can't!" I protested. "It won't! I'm Scumzuma! I'm Pervzuma! Aqua's a parasite Goddess of Debt, Booze, and bullshit! Megumin is the crazed chuuni who is the biggest fucking tease ever! Darkness is the crazy masochist who wants me to be her master! NONE OF THIS IS FAMILY MATERIAL! NONE OF THIS CAN BE... Can be...! I'm the lowest fucking filth if they're under a spell and I... If we..."
I'm not crying. You're crying. I covered my eyes.
"I'm so fucking weak," I muttered, "One fucking day of everything being turned upside down and I just... Fall apart. It's fucking pathetic-"
"You are not pathetic," Wiz said sharply. I looked up at her, startled. She'd never raised her voice in all the time I'd known her, but here she was, looking furious.
"You saved this world, you saved me, you're my friend, so don't you ever say that, ever again!" Wiz scolded. She hugged me tightly. "Or-Or think you're not worthy of love... You are... You really are..."
"W-Wiz..."
I shook my head.
"I just... How am I supposed to know... I mean... Even if I accept that... That maybe they aren't all mind whammied... I can't remember what happened!"
Wiz held up a hand, and cast a spell over my head. She hummed.
"Ah... I see. You have a memory block."
"From a dark curse?" I asked, both hopeful... And terrified.
If they were mind whammied... I'd lose everything that mattered to me in this world. Yeah, they're bonkers and annoying and sometimes useless but... The idea of Aqua, Megumin, or Darkness hating me...
My heart was icy at the prospect. Like it would stop and I'd die... Again.
But if they weren't mind whammied... What did that mean? I wasn't some smooth operator, I was no chad. I had to be the head of our little family because no one else had the brains or determination! But that in no way meant I was prepared for... What?! Three wives?! Children?!"
Oh shit. Children. They might already be... Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck...!
"Calm down, Kazuma," Wiz said softly, her cool hand rubbing over my back comfortingly, "I've scanned you. There's no sign of dark magic or a love potion or anything else. The reason for your memory block is actually very simple."
"What?" I asked. "Some kind of trauma related block?"
"Alcohol," Wiz stated.
My face fell.
"Oh... Oh shit..."
"Calm down, calm down," Wiz said, still that gentle, kind soul. She summoned a crystal ball. "This is a memory sphere. I use it to scan through distorted memories to show people what they really did when they were drunk."
"Wow," I said, "Why aren't you selling these out front?"
Wiz winced.
"A-Apparently nobody wants to buy spheres that show you how stupid you were when you were being drunk."
"Oh. Right."
I've had a long day. My business acumen is a bit out of whack. Fuck you.
"So... Why don't we find out together what happened?" Wiz asked softly. She squeezed my hand. "I'll be right with you. Nothing this shows will leave the two of us. I promise."
"But what if I... I mean..."
"Nothing I see will change how I feel for you, Kazuma," Wiz said softly, "I promise."
I very slowly nodded and stared into the crystal ball.
"All right..."
I could first see nothing but clouds... But the sphere glowed, and in an instant, I could see the village priest. He'd pulled me, Aqua, Darkness, and Megumin up to the pulpit in the temple. He grinned.
"Please, sir," he cried, "Open our celebration of not burning your wife at the stake with the signature words of our Church!"
"R-Right... The signature words... The words... Signature... Signified, by being associated... With this Church..." I tried. Aqua whispered something to me, lingering close to me. At the time, it had been annoying... But I think I felt relief at her finally saving my skin.
I mean, aside from all the times I'd died. And needed healing. And-Damnit feels... I told you...!
"Yes, well... In that case," my past self announced, "TO THINE OWN SELF, BE TRUE!"
The once angry mob cheered happily, music started, and booze started going around... But thanks to the crystal clear picture of the crystal ball, I could see something in the eyes of everyone in the memory. The mob, the priest, Aqua, Darkness, and Megumin...
"Wait, what was that?" I muttered. "It looks familiar..."
"That is a sign that your Persuade worked," Wiz explained, "The skill has a duration of five minutes, after all."
"Wait, I had it on for five minutes?!" I gasped. It had felt so much longer!
"Yes," Wiz nodded, "I also think that... The Bardic Charisma Boost Potion you used? Since it's one of mine, it lasts for about five minutes... But in the last thirty seconds, it doubles the stat bonuses."
"Why'd you make them like that?"
"So you can make a very effective closing argument, of course."
"Oh. Right," I sighed, familiar with Wiz's somewhat strange ideas about item creation, "So... Combined with 'Persuade', I basically... Oh no-"
Wiz smiled.
"Yes... I think you convinced them all to be true to themselves that night..."
Slowly, the memory continued. I saw through my eyes again. I got handed mugs of beer, and I imbibed. I got handed plates of food, and I ate. I even danced around to the music. I got glimpses of Aqua, Megumin, and Darkness talking in a huddle a few times, but paid it no heed.
"I guess I didn't really care what those three were up to, until it happened," I sighed, "Of course... What an idiot I was."
"Let's keep watching," Wiz said gently.
Eventually, I headed off into a side room in the temple, which was filled with chairs and boxes. I was sipping some beer, and rubbing my face a lot judging from how my hand went over my eyes.
"Fuuuuck," Past Me muttered, "Aqua's followers are so damn enthusiastic... They're just so freaking-"
The door opened behind past me. Past me spun around, and Aqua stepped in.
"Eh? Aqua? What is it?"
Aqua closed the door behind her, smirking a bit over her shoulder... Before she looked to Past me, and cleared her throat.
"Ah... H-Hey... Husband," she managed, her cheeks going bright red.
I sighed, in the memory and outloud.
"Look, I did it to save you from your own followers and-"
"No, no, that's... That was good," Aqua said, not looking directly at me. "I... Um..."
"What?" Past Me asked. "Are you okay, Aqua? I mean... Aside from almost being burned at the stake, and me kissing you."
There was some bitterness in that question, I had to admit. Aqua flinched. She slowly looked up into my eyes, pleadingly.
"Um... Can... Can we talk?"
Despite everything... The quiet nature of Aqua's request made Past Me pause. Moments when she was that serious were rare, and I'd always tried to treat them as they should be. As much as I could, anyway. The loss of an ultra rare wine is not a soul crushing moment to me.
"Sure... Sit down," Past Me said. They both sat on crates, stirring up some dust. Aqua smiled softly at Past Me.
"Kind of... Kind of reminds me of the stables... When it was just you and me, huh?" She asked.
"Nngh... Why would you want to remember that?" Past Me asked, sipping his beer. "We were cold, filthy, hungry, broke..."
"I was happy."
Past Kazuma stared at her. I gaped.
"Why?"
"You probably noticed... I-I wasn't... I'm not the best goddess," Aqua admitted.
"What?" Past and Present Me managed in disbelief.
"At first I was... I was really proud of the work I did, because I did it with Eris," Aqua went on, "But then she got promoted and I was left behind and... And it just felt so meaningless. Maybe because... Probably because, I thought I was better than it. But I was stuck there. So I... I started to resent the job. I liked humans who had just died seeing me as some kind of incredible goddess-I mean, I am pretty amazing, right? But it all felt... Hollow."
She looked down.
"Honestly, I was doing such a lousy job I'm surprised they didn't fire me," Aqua admitted, "Maybe sending me with you was how they did it. I was... I was pretty horrible to you, Kazuma. I'm sorry for that."
Past Me leaned forward.
"Aqua, what's wrong?" He asked. "Why are you... You're totally out of character. I'm keep expecting you to reveal yourself to be a shapeshifter or-"
"I was offered the chance to go back to Heaven," Aqua said.
Past Kazuma froze. I stared, confused and a little anxious. I mean... I didn't know that.
"... When?"
"Right after we defeated the Demon King," Aqua continued, still not looking at Past Me.
Past Me gulped.
"I... I see... So uh-"
"I said no."
"What?!" My past self and I both cried in shock. Aqua looked up at him, nodding.
"I did... Because I... I mean, after this, and everything... I..."
She sucked in a deep breath.
"I-I have... Something important to tell you."
Past Kazuma stared, nervous, tense. He forced a little laugh, and took a sip of his beer.
"L-Let me guess... You... Uh... You love me," he joked.
Present Me was expecting Aqua to laugh. To joke back. To do anything but...!
"Yes. I do."
Past Me froze while sipping his beer. He managed not to choke, but his swallowing was pretty difficult. He gaped at Aqua.
"Wh-What?"
"I love you," Aqua stated, almost shyly. Past Kazuma managed a weak little grin.
"Ah... As in... You love me as in...?"
Aqua's composure fled, as she glared at Past Me.
"As in I want to marry you and make babies with you kind of love you, idiot!"
"She what?!" I cried.
Wiz giggled.
"Oh... I-I knew it, I knew it!" She tittered.
Past Me was still as stone as Aqua reached out and took his hands in hers.
"I know we fight all the time. I know we've been pretty horrible to each other, I know it's a big complicated mess," Aqua said, "But the truth is, Kazuma... You changed my life. You... You made me better. You wouldn't believe the horrible bitch I used to be."
"I... I mean..." Past Me was clearly trying for a joke, but he faltered. Aqua looked intently into Past Me's eyes.
"i just... I literally can't imagine my life without you," Aqua said, "And I want to experience all of life with you... If... If you'll have me?"
Aqua's crying face was something I was all too familiar with. Her whining face, even more. But back in that moment, her face was serious and determined... But also terrified. Rarely had I ever seen her look so... Vulnerable. Like she might break and never recover if I said the wrong thing.
"I... Aqua... I really can't imagine my life without you, either," Past Me said, "But... I mean, things are complicated with Megumin and Darkness and... And it's not that I don't feel the same way for you! Believe me, I... I think I might..."
Come on, Past Me, stop being a pussy!
Shit. Sorry, old habits from watching anime die hard.
How was this real?!
"I love you too," Past Me admitted.
"What the hell, I really said it," I mumbled, staring into the crystal ball. "I... Holy shit... What was in that beer?"
Wiz just smiled mysteriously and turned up the volume as Past Me continued to talk.
"I mean... I'm not rejecting you, Aqua. This is just... Holy shit, this is a lot."
"I know," Aqua said with a nod, "I-I really know... I had to down three beers to get in here. I just realized that I wanted to be honest with myself. I wanted... I wanted to stop hiding behind... Everything. Because we're... We're really not very well people, are we?"
She laughed sadly. Past Me nodded.
"Yeah... I guess maybe that's why we're still together?"
"And... And I want to stay together," Aqua said, "With you, Megumin, and Darkness."
"Y-Yeah, but..." And here Past Me sighed, "Look Aqua... I never set out to be some kind of harem protagonist, but-but I'm facing the same dilemma!"
"Huh?" Aqua asked. Past Me nodded furiously.
"Look... In the meta sense, the harem shenanigans in an anime or game have to go on to keep people shipping and invested in the product. The lure of a harem of waifus is strong! But in real life...! In real life, I'm in a scenario where if I pick any one of you... I-I'll lose the rest. Do you really think Megumin or Darkness will stay if... If we get together, with how fucked up things are?"
I nodded sagely. Past Me could say some pretty profound stuff, as long as it was something nerdy.
"I... I can't risk losing all of you, which is exactly what would happen," Past Me sighed. "It's either we're all kind of miserable but together, or I destroy the party. I can't... I can't do that..."
Aqua smiled, a bit mischievously.
"There is an alternative," she said. Past Me stared at her.
"What?"
"An actual harem ending," Aqua said, "Where you take all three of us as your wives."
Past Me... Burst out in incredulous laughter.
"Wh-What?! Are you kidding?! There's-There's no way they'd all-!"
The door opened again. Megumin entered, followed by Darkness. Megumin scowled.
"You had your time... Did you confess?" She asked.
"Yup!" Aqua said brightly. "Your turn!"
Megumin looked at Past Me with her typical haughty expression.
"Satou Kazuma! I know that I, Megumin, of the Crimson Demon Clan, have... Been a bit of a tease," her dramatic tone dipped into embarrassment, "Mainly because the fear of breaking up our party-our family-by going all the way was very strong! But after discussing things with Aqua and Darkness... I, Megumin, realized that settling for a simple marriage was beneath me! A true Crimson Demon would strive for an ending that would make everyone happy! To that end! I, Megumin, declare that I love you and am willing to be a co-wife with Aqua and Darkness to you!"
She bowed her head, flushing.
"B-Because... Because I really do love you, Kazuma. I... It's frightening how much I do... B-But I do... I'm tired of being afraid or lying to myself. I want to... To be honest with you, and myself."
Megumin dramatically stepped aside. Darkness tapped her fingers together, red faced.
"Kazuma... I-I once would have settled for being the sex slave of disreputable men who only wanted me for my body," Darkness admitted, "But you are more than that. You are my friend... My comrade... And a disreputable man who would give me what I want... And-And much more! Because... I love you!"
She trembled, and held her hands to her cheeks.
"You... You have admonished me, and I've enjoyed that... But you've never rejected me. I... With you... While I also crave those things with you, I-I also crave... Even... More audacious things with you..."
Her entire face went red.
"L-Like hand holding... Or-Or sex for the-the purposes of procreation... I-In the missionary position... A-As... As your lawfully... W-Wedded... Wife! With-With the other members of our strange... But loving... F-Family!"
She squeaked out the last part, nearly falling over. Megumin barely caught her, pushing her back. Darkness got a hold of herself, and nodded.
"S-So... Um... Kazuma," Aqua said. "What do you think?"
Which is when Past Me... Blacked out.
"OH COME ON!" I shouted.