Chapter Eleven

Leaf

There's a question that Professor Rowan asked me last night at dinner that's been on my mind all day. Is research really what I want to be doing for the rest of my life?

Is it the only thing I want to be doing my whole life?

I'm not so sure. How very brilliant you are, Aurora Elvira Green.

I'll admit, while I love research and working with Juni and Gary, I miss having a challenge. I miss the thrill of being a trainer. I miss …. a whole bunch of things that come with training. Don't get me wrong, I like working on projects, but the predictable nature of research has me second guessing a lot these days.

I shake my head. I'm barely a couple of weeks away from my final presentation, after which I will have an official official research degree. I should be focusing on my presentation, but my mind keeps drifting back to the dinner conversation. Héléne and Professor Rowan had invited Henry and me to dinner, and while I thought this was more of a conversation surrounding our relationship, it took an entirely different turn that I was not expecting. At all.

I came home feeling annoyed, and it's probably because I realise that Hélène and Professor Rowan are right about how I'm feeling. I'm feeling frustrated, and guilty? The guilt probably comes from the fact that I left training and spent the last few years building an expertise (and a life) focused on research. To now feel "not so sure" makes me think I've wasted everyone's time and mine, just to start at the very same spot.

When I voiced my feelings to Henry last night, he seemed to brush it off, like they were completely inconsequential. When I asked him if he had such thoughts ever – he simply shrugged and said, "I guess it has to do with passion? I have always been so passionate about medicine that I never really thought I would be doing anything else. Maybe you aren't passionate about either yet, Leaf."

Fuck you Henry is what I really wanted to say, and yet somehow didn't find them coming out of my mouth. What he said made me mad, but I was too tired and caught up on what Professor Rowan said that I brushed his words aside. I only realised how hurt I was feeling when I dwelled on it this morning, it almost felt like Henry thought researchers weren't as smart. I worked very hard as a trainer, and I worked equally hard as a researcher.

Does passion mean you never have doubts?

If you have doubts, do you ever solve them? Do you ever feel 100% sure of what you're doing? If yes, why am I not there yet? What can I do to get there?

I keep tapping the edge of my pencil against my desk. I'm so lost that I don't notice Gary walk into our shared office.

"Earth to Leaf!" he says, waving his hands in front of me, when I blink and stare up to him. For a second I forget my ongoing dilemma and study his face. His eyes look tired, his face looks rugged. Are those dark circles?

"Hey Gary!" I say, putting on a cheery tone, "What happened to you? We missed you at dinner last night."

"Is that right?" Gary smirks, and I roll my eyes, " Willow and I had a meeting with Max about the Force."

"The Force?"

Gary chuckles, "That's what they're calling the new unit. Apparently, news on the grapevine is that Max is going to be a dad soon."

"How'd you…"

"Relax." He says, shrugging into his lab coat. "He told us, and now we're looking for a replacement."

"Oh no.." I say, burying my head into my arms, covering myself on my desk "This is all my fault, isn't it?"

"What'd you mean?" Gary asks, genuinely confused.

"I mean, I kind of maybe talked him into having that conversation with you guys. I didn't think it would mean he couldn't be on this "Force" at all."

"Well, he won't be out on the field, if that's what you're asking." Gary shrugs, "This unit is, well I don't know what dangers it involves so I'd rather pick uninvolved people."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, feeling testy

"oh come on, Leaf" he says, catching the rise in my voice and letting out an exasperated sigh, "He has a kid on the way, he's in a proper stable committed relationship. None of us know what shape or form this project's going to take."

I frown at him.

"Speaking of," he says, and the way he's bristling, I can tell he's already awkward.

"Oh come on, spill." I say.

"Willow and Max think you can be that replacement."

"And you don't?"

"Does it matter what I think?"

"Well, I'm assuming this role involves working with you? Then, yes. I think it does matter what you think." I say, and then glare at him, "especially since I'm in a "proper stable committed relationship" and should probably never even think of applying." I use air quotes furiously with my hands for good measure.

"Dammit, Leaf" Gary says, "you'll have to have a talk with Henry about this if you really are thinking of this. I don't even know if you're interested. But Willow's ready to wait till you finish up research here, and if you know want to take some time off?"

"Oh," I say, forgetting my anger and confusion for a brief moment, "he said that?"

"Yeah," he says, rubbing his temples.

"And you don't have a problem with that?"

"I don't see a problem with that."

"Not what I asked."

"Potato. Poh-tah-to."

"I don't know." I say, finally, testing the waters a little bit before I can confide in Gary what I've been thinking and feeling all morning.

"What's going on Leaf?" he asks gently, his exasperated look relaxing into something more of concern, "did something happen at dinner?"

"Yes and no" I say truthfully.

"I'm not psychic." He says, letting out a huge sigh. What is up with Gary?

I sigh deeply. "Have you ever wondered if you made the right move? How did you know that you wanted to do research and not train anymore?"

"Well, I don't" he says, and I look at him in surprise, and he takes it as a cue to continue. "Leaf, look at me, I'm nearly 30 years old and taking a huge leap of faith and doing something I'm not even sure is going to work. Is it research career suicide? Maybe it is."

"What made you do it?" I ask, and almost immediately his entire face changes and I feel his body stiffening as he slumps against the wall. He studies his hands before he says quietly, "I have nothing to lose."

"What do you mean?" I ask,

He lets out a long deep sigh, a loaded sigh and I wait, maybe whole minutes pass by before he finally speaks, but I know it's something that is so deeply personal that he's probably not shared with anyone before.

"You know how you asked me about my parents and your dad's accident a few weeks ago?"

I nod silently, remembering the morning I came rushing into our office, red-eyed from all the crying the night before.

"Well," he says, "it just got me thinking how easy it would have been if they didn't have families," and meeting my gaze, "or children."

He settles down on the chair opposite my desk, not quite looking at me and staring down at his hands as he talks "But what they were doing was life-changing! Risky, but life changing. For the longest time, I was so angry about it, the whole thing. Maybe they hadn't been so ambitious, I could have grown up with a set of parents."

I nod, and after a long pause, he starts talking again.

"But then I got thinking again. I'm at cross-roads with my career, and this project seems perfect. Maybe I needed to go through a trainer phase and a researcher phase to realise that I just like a bit of both, and I can't really fit into either square. Of course, there's a huge possibility that it might fail but at least I tried."

He stops staring at his hands and finally looks up to me and his face is different, like he's hopeful but there's something in his eyes, that makes him look so broken that my heart does a little bump that it's never done before. "And.." he gulps, his voice breaking up a little bit, "I mean, it's not like I have anything to lose."

His words hang in the air, and neither of notice until he chuckles. It could have been hours and I would have still felt as if it were a few seconds.

Gary clears his throat.

"I didn't mean to.." he begins the same time I say, "So…. That was bleak huh?"

We burst out laughing, and we don't stop. My insides hurt and I wipe away the tears from the corner of my left eye.

"Loaded, huh?" Gary says, as he finally collects himself, "but you'll figure it out, Leaf. You always do."

"Why do you have so much faith in me?" I ask, and it surprises him, which is fair because I hadn't expected to ask it.

"I can't quite place it, but something just tells me you will." He shrugs, "What really brought this on?"

"I'm not sure." I say, "I was at Rowan and Hélène's earlier in the week and the entire dinner conversation was so heavy."

"I find it cute that you refer to your grandmother's flat like that." He grins, "Oh wait, was this the dinner when they finally met Henry?"

I roll my eyes. "Yes. Although Henry kept asking more questions than they did." Gary looks at me in surprise and I sigh.

"I thought things were going well with Henry." He says, "You seem happy."

"I am." I say, "Maybe? I dunno." I can't even think of letting Gary know how boring I'm finding the sex.

"Have you met his parents yet?"

"Not yet." I say, "I'm meeting them after my presentation next week. Honestly? I'm a bit nervous."

Gary raises his eyebrows at me. "Why?"

"I've never met a boyfriend's parents before." I say, shifting awkwardly in my chair, "that's weird, no?"

"Well," he begins and then stops, "I wish I could help you, but I haven't met any of my girlfriends' parents either. Or their families."

Don't think it. Don't think …

"Well, of course, my only serious relationship happened to be a clandestine affair so there's that.." he finishes.

I face palm myself, although when I look to see Gary between my fingers, he's smiling.

"Are you coming to Daisy's tonight?" Gary asks, coming over and sitting across on the chair opposite my desk.

"Of course." I say, "I wouldn't miss the baby shower for the world."

"Good." He says, "I mean, I'll totally understand if you didn't want to, given the presentation next week.." but I stop him with a wave of my hand.

"I could use the distraction." I say, glancing at the copies of my final thesis that are due to ship out tomorrow to my presentation committee. When Gary notices me staring into space, he gently nudges my shoulder.

"You'll be fine." He says, "You know that right?"

I nod slowly, also wondering if I should tell him that I'm actually more nervous about meeting Henry's parents than my actual research presentation. Maybe save that conversation for another day.

My whole life's a mess. I'm not sure where I am professionally, where am I heading with Henry on the personal relationship front and if I had to be completely honest with myself, I felt Hélène and Professor Rowan were talking to me in code during that entire dinner.

If Gary sensed that something was wrong with my mood, he didn't say it. Instead, he stood up, squeezed my left shoulder gently and walked back silently to his desk.

I'm not sure why, but that little gesture gave me so much more comfort.

I always knew Daisy had a quirky side, but to have a keg at a baby shower was something else entirely. Granted it wasn't a college party type of keg – but the woman couldn't even drink at this point. One thing she was though, was glowing and she looked incredibly happy. She had a shiny number on and grinned at Hélène and gave her a thumbs up. Oh, Madeleine Vincent.

Hans had certainly done up the place well – the whole thing felt more like a house party, with people laughing and having a good time rather than a delicate baby shower. I was glad. After moving around in circles, and leaving Henry to talk to my stepfather, John and Professor Rowan, I was making my way to have a drink by the lawn when I felt my mum walk alongside me.

"Henry seems nice" she says, her eyes twinkling. I smiled, because she seemed to be happy thinking I am happy. But hearing the word nice made me feel queasy in the stomach again.

"He is." I say, pouring a glass of white wine for mum before pouring one for myself. "I'm glad you've finally met him. I'm meeting his parents next week."

"It isn't like you to be nervous." She says, studying my face. A mother always knows? Everyone meet Lauren Beckett.

"I'm…I don't know, mum" I say, and quietly, "he's just so perfect, you know?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, he's kind and sweet, he does all the "good boyfriend" stuff" I say, "but I feel he doesn't get me most of the time."

Mum touches my arm as we make our way and sit under the tree. I really do not want to cause a scene at Daisy's, but having this quiet moment with my mum was maybe what I really needed.

"I'm just so confused" I admit, biting my lower lip. "I mean, research is going great, and everything is wrapping up nicely."

"Touch wood" she says, and we both tap on the tree log behind our bench. I smile, because I love these goofy little beliefs that my mum has.

And as if almost reading my thoughts, "And you don't have to be with Henry just because you think he's nice and he seems perfect on paper."

"How did you even.."

"Oh Leaf" she says, and grins, "have I ever told you that before I met your dad, I was dating a very nice, sophisticated lawyer?"

This was news to me. "Really?"

"Truth" she nods, and sets her glass down in the space between us. "He was nice, perfect – his parents really liked me."

"But?"

"He just didn't get me." She says, "Why I wanted to be a reporter and why I wanted to write. He always thought it was a tier two type job. He was traditional – is that the right word? He just assumed I'd stay home if we got married and had children."

Oh wow.

She takes a slow sip of her wine, gulps and sets the glass down again. "Granted that was a different time and place, but I did want to write and report. I was still so young."

There's a pause, and I take a sip of my own drink.

"And the sex was really bad." She says "It was too goody and clean and ..mechanical? Can you use that to describe sex?" she turns around to ask me.

I almost choke out my own drink.

"Oh, come on, Leaf" she chuckles, "don't be a prude. Anyway, it was difficult, because he seemed so perfect on paper, but I just knew I'd feel stuck and god forbid, even resentful if I stayed with him."

"And?" I'm fully invested in this story, only because I can use this to guide my own decision.

"I broke up with him, but gently" she looks at me giving me a firm look as if she knows I'm going to do exactly the opposite. "I think he also knew – I think they know at some level."

"Then I met your dad and at first, thought he was the most obnoxious man I'd ever met."

"What really?" I ask.

She nods. "He was this cool, arrogant research person type. Knew he was good looking and thought I was too young to be doing any reporting on Pokemon."

"You're joking" I say. My mum and dad did have a ten-year age gap.

"But then he came around to my office one day with an article I'd just written." She says, looking thoughtful, "and as I was getting fully ready to have a face-off. He just said, "this is fucking brilliant". Just like that. I was quite floored."

Go Dad!

"Do you regret it though?" I ask suddenly, "considering that.."

"He died because he was doing path-breaking work while I was still in my 30s with a 3 year old child?" she asks, giving me a sad smile.

"Well," I bristle, "yes."

"No." she answers so quickly, so surely that it makes my heart melt. To know that my parents loved each other, truly and wholly.

"I'm also lucky that I found John after all those years." She says, quietly. "At first I didn't want to, but Hélène can be a force in matters of the heart."

"That she can be." I agree. I get up, and she does too.

"Don't guilt yourself Leaf" she says, "you deserve what makes you happy. Not what you think is perfect."

As we make our way inside, I realise, that the thought of breaking up with Henry doesn't make me feel sad, it makes me feel guilty. But it also gives me an odd sense of relief.

Better mother advice could not have been given.