I cannot express in words how much I love River song and Amy pond, their trauma is so overlooked for the sake of hateful RoseTen fans. How what happened to them both is so overlooked. They deserve better as characters and I will never stop loving them.
So I wrote a what if fic. What if River was never taken by Madam Kavaria, what if the doctor arrived on time, what if the shadow proclamation protected Amy. What if she was able to raise her daughter normally and be a mother? How would both River's and her parents future change?
I appreciate any reviews and feedback on story, for future chapters and the progression of the story
Amy sat silently on the floor of the Tardis, flashing lights, the roar of the engine and the voices of her friends echoing in the background, a familiar place she used to feel safe. A childhood memory of the raggedy man who appeared in her garden and asked for fish fingers and custard. The vehicle she had used to run away to escape her wedding day out of anxiety and fear. But they all sounded so far away, as if she was sat in a tunnel, trapped underwater, like she was living a strangers life, as if none of this was real. Her life was forever changed the moment the doctor came into her life, she could never go back to how she used to be. But then thanks to her involvement with the doctor, it had led to her life being ripped apart, being trapped in space and universes from all that was familiar. She was exhausted, frightened, comatose, functioning on autopilot, she felt like she could sleep for months and yet didn't want to close her eyes. Hyper aware of everything that was around her, all that could be lurking in the shadows, her emotions numb. She couldn't believe she was safe, she was free, she had escaped. That for the past year she had been trapped in a prison, kept under observation while she was pregnant, being watched while her baby grew inside of her like a lab experiment. Until her ganger was destroyed she had no idea she even was pregnant, she had no idea that her adventures had been a dream. That what should have been a happy life experience became her worst nightmare. The horrifying knowledge that they wanted to turn Melody into a weapon to destroy the doctor, her best friend. But he had come for her, like he promised the doctor had found her, he had rescued her, he had taken her away from that place. He had scoured the universe looking for her, to bring her back home. He had fought tooth and nail to get revenge on the people who had hurt Amy. Amy and River were both alive, well and healthy, although traumatised. Settled by the smell and warmth of her mother, the memory of her parents embrace, Melody had calmed.
Amy breathed in the scent of her baby, making sure she was real, that she wasn't a replacement ganger. Reminding herself that the baby in her arms was hers, this was her child and she was back where she belonged. Terrified she would melt into a white goop and she would be faced with the reality that her baby was gone and she would never get her back. Though the doctor had scanned her, assured her, that Melody was in fact a normal human baby, the same baby she had given birth to; she held Melody close to her chest, lulling her daughters cries of distress, content to be back in her mothers arms. The worst fear any mother could endure as a new parent, Amy had faced all at once, facing dangers that she never wanted her child to endure. Amy would become the best mother in the world, but the fears of her past would always linger. Soothed by her warmth and scent, hearing her daughter's heartbeat, her baby listening to her own. Amy was still trembling, her eyes wide with tears, watching like a territorial beast, ready to bite should anyone attempt to take her baby from her. Even briefly seeing her loved ones as enemies, the faces of her kidnappers burned into her memory. She had closed herself off, emotionally and psychologically, her usual bright smile and witty comebacks replaced with sombreness, and a blank stare. She couldn't stop her body from shaking, she couldn't make the tears stop as much as she wanted to, the pain and fear wouldn't go away. The two of them were in the protection of the Tardis.
The doctor knew the last thing she needed was to feel overwhelmed by any negative stimulants, Amy had faced a horrific encounter and he was immensely proud of her for remaining strong. He wouldn't demean her, he wouldn't make jokes and lighten the mood as he usually did, silence was better. He merely set a course and made sure the shields were at full capacity. But he made sure she ate, she was supported and taken care of, Melody needed to eat, they both did. Amy wouldn't be able to keep up her strength and provide sustenance to her daughter without food. He was trying his best to make sure she had everything she needed and Rory could sense that. Filled with the guilt of the fact he couldn't protect Amy from this, that she had been kidnapped because of him. Amy had been a mother for a mere few hours, instead of a happy birth surrounded by her loved ones, in a hospital, being tended to by nurses, visits from her family, flowers and cards. She had been sedated in a tube, watched by enemies who made sure she was blissfully unaware of her pregnancy or the danger around her, her journeys with the doctor all a dream, a ganger in her place; but the memories still linked to her real body. The usual supportive environment all mothers expected had been robbed of her, none of her family knew she was even pregnant or expected a future grandchild. Amy could have been on a different planet supported by feline nurses but instead was made to feel like a prisoner. They had been prepared to use her newborn daughter, an innocent child as a weapon, training her to kill the doctor, scheming to turn her into an assassin to be used against the doctor and kill him. A child born in the Tardis, someone whom he had formed a bond with, someone familiar. They tried to hurt her baby, they tried to hurt Amy, they tried to kill the doctor, but now that future wouldn't exist. River would be raised by both her parents, she would be raised with a normal life, no time-lord alterations, no powers, no timelord DNA, no brainwashing. She would be able to live her life on earth, or somewhere similar. She would be raised alongside the doctor, taught all about his world, all the stories of his adventures and the man she would someday fall in love with. But she wouldn't become the same woman, at least not weaponised, she would be taught to protect herself by both her parents, but not the same way Kovarian had.
Rory had remained close to his wife the entire time, refusing to leave her side, no matter what, the rage and sadness poured from him in waves. Unpsoken grattitude and anger vented towards the doctor but mostly towards the silence for what they did. Holding her close to him, making sure she ate or drank water, calming her as best he could, watching over his wife and baby. Saying anything to distract her, even trying to make her smile, watching over her like a hawk, making sure she was safe, so that nothing could happen to her again. Little did he know how much this meant to her, that her husband was trying to distract her from her pain. That even when he could be feeling the way she was, he refused to allow himself to crumble. He knew Amy had been through hell and back, part of him was scared Amy and Melody were both gangers, that neither of them were real and he was all alone. That if he woke up they would still be gone, damage had been done in the most heartbreakingly severe way.
Even the doctor questioned how they would move past this, of all the fates that had befallen his past companions, this was one he couldn't make better. Rose at least had a chance to procreate with the human version of his past self, having a family and a life together. Martha had married Mickey and become an agent alongside him, a chance to have a family together. Donna though her memories were erased, had remarried and had a child with a good man.
Amy had been kidnapped, sedated, observed and sterilised by his enemies against her will, she was abducted from her normal life on earth without ever realising it. She had been prevented from escaping and hidden from the doctor. As soon as she was impregnated, before she was even aware of it herself, Madame Kovarian had her kidnapped and taken to demons run. She was kept under watch during her entire pregnancy, up until her labour, Amy hadn't been able to acknowledge her motherhood or even enjoy it, making memories of her journey to having a baby with her husband. A time of her life she would never get back. She had been sterilised to prevent further pregnancy after the birth of river, taking away any chance to have another baby. River would never have any siblings from her parents, at least not biologically. She had been guarded and observed until they planned on stealing River, making sure she never escaped, never slipped past them, never caused trouble and never tried to attack. Before the doctor had managed to rescue them both, before he had managed to end their scheme and smuggle Melody. But mentally Amy was still in that place, she was far away from Demons run, she was far away from her kidnappers, but she was still seeing the ghosts of her captors, of her prison. The bright white of her room, of her chambers, bright and illuminated.
River was still worried about her parents, both of them, this was her past, she still remembered it all, she couldn't escape it. As much as she repressed it and kept it secret, it would always remain with her. What Kovarian did to her, what happened to her mother, of what became of her life. Escaping her captors, her past regenerations before she became River song, sacrificing her future lives to save the doctor, becoming an archeologist, becoming his lover, becoming his wife. The woman who had abducted her from her mother, whom had separated her from her parents, who had turned her into the person she was. The woman who still haunted her memories. She had known the doctor her whole life, from the day she was born, from her childhood, her teenage years to her adult self. He was a beloved memory for her, someone who made her feel safe, someone who had been present in every moment of her life, someone she could never forget. She loved him more than anyone in the world, nobody could replace him, no lover or brief courtship had come close to the way she felt about him. They paled in comparison to the bond they shared. She had no jealousy of his past companions, Rose Tyler, Martha Jones, Donna Noble, none of them; they had been as important to him as she was. They were parts of the doctors past, brief moments of his long life, the people who had helped him heal and become the man she fell in love with. But she was his future, his soulmate, they belonged together, in every timeline they found one another and fell deeper in love. She may have had many past lovers, but she would give her life for the doctor, again and again. She would send messages through time, use portals and time equipment to find him. She would wait for his tardis to appear and enjoy their happy reunion. But her future had changed, as had the futures of her parents, the person she would become no longer existed, or at least wouldn't be forged. She remained the version of Melody Pond that Kovarian abducted and turned into a weapon, raised by the silence, Kovarian and turned into an assassin trained to kill the doctor. But not the version that her mother currently held, not the baby that had been rescued by the doctor. This Melody pond would have a childhood, loving parents, a normal life, she wouldn't become the woman who would kill the doctor. She would become a different person entirely, but someone who would still fall in love with the doctor. An empty ache formed in her chest, a bittersweet sadness that filled her, tears forming behind her eyes, a resentment towards her younger self that she felt childish for.
The doctor materialised beside her, an empathetic expression on his face, placing his hand over hers tenderly, as if he had sensed her sadness, her need to be comforted. A knowing look of understanding, patience and love behind his eyes "River?" The doctor asked. This was a difficult time for all of them, emotions were high and they had all been effected by this. But River, this was personal, she was forged from the trauma her parents could never forget. She was ripped from her mothers arms, she would never get that back.
River smiled softly, forcing herself to appear happy, despite the conflict within her, she couldn't let it show. She had faced much heartache over her life and yet she had never looked back. The doctor was here beside her, he was alive and her parents were safe, what more could she ask for? "Hello sweetie" she smiled.
The doctor didn't buy it, he merely continued to observe her patiently, he wouldn't force her to say anything she wasn't comfortable with. But he didn't want her to lie to him, not to stroke his ego and not to hide. She was here, with him, she could share the pain she was feeling, she could lower her walls and she could let herself hurt. River had been alone for so long in her life, forced to mature faster than any child her age, experiencing fears that most people believed were nightmares. River was dangerous, she was exciting, she was trouble and she was so much like Amy it was like looking in a mirror. But her vulnerability, her loyalty, some of that also came from her father. "How are you feeling?" he asked.
River both loved and hated how perceptive the doctor was, how intelligent and empathetic he was, centuries of experiences forming into the man she saw before him. The doctor was like fire, get too close and you got burned, but to be loved by the doctor, he opened his heart to you, he loved you with every fibre of his being, loyal to his core. She had known this love, she had felt this love and she revelled in every moment of it, but she had also felt the loneliness of looking for him. Using tactics to bring him to her, to draw him out so they could share an anniversary, a moment, a memory. The way he made her feel so safe, his pet names for her, their flirtation, the games they played. The doctor would never let anything happen to her, she brought out the darker side in him, the same way he did her. Even Kovarian hated their flirting, that she had created the perfect woman for the doctor. But how he knew her heart, he knew her better than anyone, sometimes better than her own parents, right now he could see right through her. That thought, that knowledge scared her more than anything else in the universe. "Happy ending, we prevented a disaster, a scheme to create a weapon which risked your life. A future where you died" she pressed. The doctor was safe, she would never be kidnapped from the orphanage, she would never be brainwashed and forced into the suit, she would never be forced to kill the doctor.
Eleven softened, he could see how much she wanted to cry, how she was crumbling on the inside, mourning her childhood, the normal life she was robbed of, that this other version of herself would have. River had been alone for so much of her adolescence, soon she found her parents and befriended them, following them as a childhood friend through time and space. Desperate to be close to them. His eyes filled with love, he understood her pain "Her future, an alternate future, another branch in time. Demon's run, Madam Kovaria, the library; all of that happened to you, it's your past" he soothed. This melody would have the childhood River never did, she would never be turned into the person that stood before him, though she could still become an archeologist. She would still find him, she would still meet him, just at a different point in the future.
River softened, her eyes turning glassy with tears, he was being cruel but only because he was being honest. God she hated him sometimes, damn this man, this wonderful man who had her heart. She would still be the version of herself that was never saved, that was switched, that was abducted and became a timelord clone. Why was he so perceptive, so clever? "You saved her future, but my past still remains, I've already lived it" she whimpered. The future she had always wanted, the future of being with her family, of being loved and safe, she would never have that. She would only be reunited with her parents, her lover when she was older. The doctor wrapped his arms around River, pressing her to his chest quietly, his eyes fixated on the distance. There wasn't anything else he could say to make it better, only that she acknowledge her feelings. He hated knowing there would always be this pain in Rivers heart and he could never make it go away. River rested her chest on the doctors coat, breathing him in, the material tickling her cheek. The doctor breathed her in, comforting himself, he had saved River, and yet he had also failed her. He had saved one version and yet the other had needed him and he had never found her. She felt so small, so fragile, so delicate, like she could shatter like glass at any moment, her usual confidant, dangerous and mischievous nature melting away into a frightened, defensive and scared little girl. "I love you" River mumbled against his chest, she had never loved anyone like she did the doctor, and she doubted she ever would again, nobody ever came close. The doctor would tear the world apart for her and she knew it, she'd seen how far he had gone to protect his past companions and even her own parents. She hadn't tried to compare herself to him, nor become a version he would be impressed by. She had always merely been herself, the version she had always been, shaped by her experiences, a woman who could match him. He had fallen in love with that.
The doctor smiled softly "I know", he never had to question it, the feeling was mutual and they always sensed it. This bond they had, their relationship, how she intrigued him, how she always left him guessing. Of all the people in his life whom had come to pass, all the people he had opened his heart to; Rose Tyler, the quirky nineteen year old from London who wanted to see the stars, locked in another dimension with a human version of his past self. Martha Jones, a nurse trainee who fell in love with him and he ruined her life, just by becoming involved in her life. Donna Noble, the most important woman in the world who saved the universe but would never remember him. But River saw him for who he truly was, his darkness, his heart, and she loved him anyway, the only woman who could match him intellectually and could outsmart him. She knew about the destruction of his planet, she knew about his enemies, his crimes, his sacrifices and trauma. She knew his real name, something not even Rose Tyler had known, a secret he had never shared with anyone. She knew about the people he had loved and lost and the people he had hurt, she helped him remember and heal those wounds. But she loved him anyway, she knew he would never belong to her but she loved him anyway. She would always hold him close in her heart, telling stories of the doctor and sharing them with his allies, going above and beyond for him. She wasn't afraid of danger, she wasn't afraid to die, she wasn't afraid of anything, when the doctor was scared she acted as his shield. But little did she knew she had the doctors heart, she was the only person who could fly the tardis as well as him, she was the only woman who would kill for the doctor, the only woman next to rose who would rip the world apart for him. The doctor let her fly the tardis, who was always waiting for her to appear, chasing her across the universe. Telling stories of River Song, the daughter of his past companions. The archeologist, the traveller, the most dangerous woman whom even daleks feared, who killed a Dalek, who had her own sonic screwdriver. A woman so special in words, his allies knew of them, a woman that was closest in the doctors heart above anyone.
He never had to explain why River was so special to him, because they could see it in their eyes, from the way they argued, an old married couple. From the way he booped her nose, to the way he delicately played with her hair, the way she told him to shut up when he got too cocky. He felt River start to tremble in his arms, the same way Amy was while holding her baby. Small whimpers escaping her lips, a dampness forming on his clothes, before he realised she was sobbing silently on his chest. Like a small child seeking comfort after a bad dream, hiding her face from him and her parents, like when a child was scared to show their face. She didn't want them to see her so weak. River had never cried in front of them, but she had shown weakness and desperation. The doctor said nothing, holding her tighter and merely holding her, he knew this kind of pain, he had felt this kind of pain, again and again bleeding through time. Holding his wife in his arms, trying to comfort her sadness, they were safe, but the past would always remain.