She welcomes the cold air and the sharp scent of disinfectant in the morgue as she steps in to see her best friend and to get updates on their new case. Lanie is nowhere to be seen but Kate spotted her coat and her purse so she still must be around. Like usual she hops on the cold metal of one of the examination tables, almost enjoying the stiffening cold underneath her thighs while she lets her legs swing freely, massaging her temple to soften the headache. Gosh, what a mess.
"Kate!" Lanie almost screams, pressing her hand on her chest and taking a deep breath. "Stop doing that, girlfriend, or it's me on one of those tables. And I sure as hell find a way to prove that it was murder." Kate manages to laugh at her best friend despite everything that happened in the last days but it doesn't last long.
"Sorry, Lanes."
"Are you finally ready to talk about what happened after you left with writer boy four days ago and are now parading with that robbery detective?" Lanie was trying to get answers all day, but Kate refused to talk about it – especially not over the ongoing case. The first one without Castle. The sting in her heart is almost intense enough that she has to fight the urge to double over and curl up into a ball. But she'll talk with Lanie about that and afterwards every feeling, every memory related to the writer will be neatly packed into an imaginary box and sealed. Like she always does. Ignoring her feelings. It's easier for her to feel nothing. Or at least to try to.
"I'm not parading with Tom", she weakly insists with an eye roll.
"Uh-huh." Lanie looks at her knowingly, not buying into it. "So what's wrong? I thought you'd be over the moon that you two finally got your act together. Did you sleep with him?" Kate refuses to answer that and tries to stare Lanie down but it's useless with Lanie, so she finally gives in and stares at the floor. Thoroughly averting Lanie's eyes.
"I did." She tries to sound as neutral as possible to not give Lanie any insight on how she feels about that, but it comes out as a rasping sound, giving away everything. How she loved her night with Castle, how he screwed her for any other man. How she can't stop thinking about him, dream of him, his touches and his kisses. How it was more than pure sex and lust that night. More making love than she ever experienced. How he seemed to know what she likes. How it just blew her mind. How she could've envisioned a future with him. Not only could have but also did. How she already saw herself marrying him and children running through his loft with his piercing blue eyes and his lopsided grin. Without feeling trapped or the desire to run as fast and as far as possible. And how messed up it is now after reading the message of his publicist, running away and kissing another guy right in front of him.
"And? Was it that bad?" Kate blushes at the memory, her heart dancing in her chest again. Gosh, she wishes it was.
"No! It was great. More than great." She sighs and hides her face behind her hands.
"Did you sleep at all that night?"
"Nope." Kate plops the "p", still avoiding Lanie's eyes, but she knows that they will be sparkling with excitement. On cue, Lanie draws a sharp, excited breath.
"And it was great?"
"Yep." Another plop, although muffled from behind her hands.
"Huh. What's the problem then? Why did you kiss that robbery guy?" Lanie crosses her arms in front of her chest. Beckett can hear the confusion in her voice, can feel the M.E.'s eyes on her. She huffs a mirthless laugh.
"What's the problem? I was just another notch on his bedpost!" She drops her hands, raising her voice to argue with her best friend.
"Why would you think that? That guy is crazy about you!" Lanie sounds honestly shocked.
"Yeah?" She huffs another mirthless laugh. "Then tell me why his publicist sends him a message at five in the morning to ask him if he finally got me out of his system so he can move on and sign the damn contract?!" Kate almost yells at Lanie, finally meets her eyes, but she can't see her friend anymore. Her vision is blurry from all the tears of hurt, anger, and humiliation.
"Oh, Kate." Kate craves her embrace but it's nothing they normally do and she knows it would only make it worse. She would cry over him. Again. And she can't let that happen. She's over him. She's got Tom. Tom's cute. And nice. And gentle. And so not Castle. He's taller. His voice is higher. His hair is rougher. His shoulders slimmer. His aftershave stronger. He's so not Castle that it makes her miss him so much more. "Is that why you are suddenly making all gooey eyes with that robbery detective? To pay him back?"
"No! No, Lanie, it's not-" Beckett starts to defend herself but her best friend interrupts her.
"You sure? Because it looks like that to me. You finally gave in to your feelings for writer boy, slept with him and the next day you're kissing that robbery detective in the middle of the bullpen."
Beckett swallows against the lump in her throat but crosses her arms before her chest to protect her bruised heart.
"Why are you on his side and defending him? It didn't mean anything to him! He just needed to get me out of his system. That's all there is. Exactly what I've been saying from the beginning! I was just one of his conquests. It's good that it ended like that." Uh, it hurt like hell to speak it out.
Lanie snorts, giving her that "Who are you kidding?" look. "You sure about that? Because I think that your little writer boy is crazy about you, you're not just a notch for him. And do you remember what he said to his publicist when she told him about the offer?" She pauses, waits until Kate meets her eyes, and shrugs. "He's not sure if he's ready to walk away from Nikki Heat yet." Kate's breath catches, her heart hammers against the prison of her ribcage, demanding to be released but she just squares her jaw, bites her tongue to not let her hopes go up. It doesn't mean anything! Maybe that's all he still needed to know, needed to have had her, and now he is ready to walk away. Maybe that's all there is.
"Lanie," she growls lowly as a warning.
"And you? You don't look like you are head over heels for that robbery guy. You didn't even mention him. What are you trying to prove, Kate? That you don't need Castle? That it was a meaningless fling to you? Certainly not if your face and your mood give anything away."
Kate hides her face in her palms again and lets a heavy breath out. "It was a mistake, okay?"
Lanie snorts. "Who? Castle or Demming?"
"I ... I don't know. I didn't want to kiss Demming. I just saw how jealous Castle got when I talked to him and ... I don't know. It made me feel good. Valued, you know? As if it might be more than a one-time thing for him." She sighs, slides a hand over her face. "But then Demming suddenly kissed me in the middle of the bullpen! I was lost in thoughts, he came closer and closer, suddenly so close that I could smell his breath and aftershave, and a moment later he already kissed me. I was so dumbfounded that it took me a second before I even realized what happened, and when I pushed him away, Castle was already gone."
"Well. Did you call him? Told him that the kiss didn't mean anything and that you're just stupid?" She gives her a disapproving look, frowning at her, hands at her hips.
"Lanie! What's wrong with you today? Why are you so mad at me?" Kate paces up and down, running hasty fingers through her already troubled hair.
"I'm sorry, Kate. And I know that you've got a problem with commitment, but girlfriend, honestly? Castle is so good for you. This talk we're having right now? Would've never happened before him. You enjoy life more often, you smile so much and it looks so good on you. You're becoming friends with Ryan and Espo and Montgomery, you're not just colleagues anymore, you're a family now. You're opening up, you're having fun. He's a good guy." Kate rolls her eyes, mimicking Lanie's pose, opens her mouth to protest, but Lanie is quick to interject.
"No, don't say it. I know that he can be such a child and a real jackass, but he's also honest and loyal and reliable, and gosh, how much he loves his family? How he adores his mother and daughter? I think that Castle is way more real than the page six version of him. And you had him. But at the first sign of trouble, you started running. Did you ask him about the message of his publicist? Ask him what this was for him? Did he leave in the middle of the night? Did he ignore you after you left?" The heat of shame runs through her body, she averts her gaze to study her feet.
"Gosh, Kate. The message was from his publicist! She's concerned about numbers – how many books has he sold, how much money goes in and out, how she can make more of it, what's the next big deal that guarantees more money and more prestige? She doesn't care about his private life or his relationships – the human factor is a problem for her. Her only interest is his career and the money he makes. Period. But you're putting your whole future with him in the hands of something this woman texted him – not the other way around – that's really stupid, honey. Call him. Talk to him. No one's heard anything from him since that kiss, maybe he'll answer your messages."
Kate huffs and shakes her head. "I honestly don't believe that. Why should he?"
Lanie raises her eyebrows, looking pointedly at her. "Uh, because he's crazy about you? I'm pretty sure he's already written a chapter about Demming to use it somewhere." A smile tucks on her lips, yeah, he probably has. "Maybe he's the next bad guy his British Agent has to fight?" Her heart sinks again at the reminder that he stopped writing about her. She'd never admit it, but it meant everything to her that he chose her as his muse, as his inspiration for a book. A book that is probably going to be a global bestseller. Her and her mom's favorite author wrote a book about a tough, but savvy female detective who he thinks is extraordinary. At least she'll have this part of him if he'll never going to talk with her again.
Kate groans rubbing her hands over her face heavily in frustration. "I don't know what to do, Lanie."
"Girl, be honest with yourself. What do you really want? Do you want to be with Tom? Or do you want to fix things with Castle and have a shot at a relationship with that guy?" Lanie sighs and finally pulls her into an embrace.
"I just want everything to be the way it was before."
"That's not going to happen, never. So what are you going to do now?"
Now it's Beckett's turn to sigh. She knows what or rather who she wants, but she's not sure if she's ready to risk her heart yet …
"Okay, I'm going to call to see if he'll pick up."
"Good girl!" Kate rolls her eyes.
"Bye Lanie!"