Chapter 63

In the two weeks following her breakup, Azula tried to get back into her normal routine, but everything felt wrong. Her firebending was off, her food tasted like sand, and even her clothes didn't fit right. She had tried to banish all reminders of Raiden from her presence, but he was inside her, constantly reminding her of his absence, and she couldn't get away. She had thought Aang's rejections had brought her as low as it was possible for anyone to feel, but this was worse. She felt completely disoriented, estranged from the world and herself. She had trouble focusing her attention on the problems of the realm, and ended up leaning on her ministers. They expressed concern for her, but she refused to comment on the situation for her advisors or the press, stating only that the captain had been reassigned and she did not wish to speak on the matter. She didn't believe any of her ministers really cared about her, not like Raiden had. Or, she corrected herself, not like he had fooled her into believing he did. She was utterly alone. She even felt hostility from some of her guards, to the point where she wondered if they would do their duty to protect her if some threat arose.

Peony and Joshu didn't freeze her out like the guards did. Their positions made that impossible. They had been closer to her than to Raiden from the beginning, so she supposed that they might have chosen her if forced to take sides. But there was a noticeable chill in their interactions with her. They treated her with caution and distance, as if they were afraid she would explode any minute. She had to admit that dumping Raiden so suddenly made her seem volatile. Perhaps they feared for their own positions, wondering if they would be next to be dismissed.

She replayed that horrific last fight again and again in her mind, wondering endlessly if she'd done the right thing to send him away. What responsibility did she have for the situation? First of all, she should have been more careful about her papers, so that no spy could have found any intelligence. Probably she should never have opened up to Raiden in the first place. She felt ashamed of the kidnapping plot, and she hated the way his confession had brought back that feeling of humiliation. He disapproved of her just the way Aang had. It was like reliving that awful moment when Aang had recoiled from her, just after she'd offered Raiden everything. Of course she had lashed out.

Once she cooled down, she agreed with Raiden that the plot he had uncovered with his spying was a bad one; she had sent apologies for it, after all. She made inquiries about the Order of the White Lotus, but was only able to find the most vague rumors about the organization or its aims.

If she was this miserable, then maybe she was wrong. Was Raiden's betrayal forgivable? Was there even such a thing?

No. What she couldn't countenance was his lying. Raiden had looked straight into her eyes and spoken an untruth. Did it matter how righteous his action was, if he was capable of such deception? Thinking of how she'd believed him made her feel foolish and stupid, and she hated that he had made her feel like that. And besides, he wouldn't forgive her now anyway. It was all over.

Luckily, she did have something to look forward to: Zuko, Mai, Ty Lee, and baby Izumi were coming. She figured that reuniting with his mother was Zuko's main motivation for returning to the Fire Nation, so she invited Ursa to the palace as well, but arranged the visits so that she would have two full days with the visitors before her mother arrived. She wanted them to herself so that she could convince them to stay. She needed her friends more than ever.

Azula was in her chambers getting ready for bed, when an old man emerged from behind her balcony curtain, startling her.

"What are you doing here?" She recognized the man: Piandao, an aristocrat and expert swordsman. He frequently attended gatherings at the palace and was close friends with several of her advisors.

"I have a message for you, my lord, one I wanted to give you privately. The Order of the White Lotus prefers to work in the shadows."

It made perfect sense: a man like Piandao was perfectly placed to influence royal policy. Maybe he had even made Zuko into a pacifist during his childhood sword training sessions. She lifted her arm threateningly, fire burning in her hand. "You're the traitor who turned my guard against me!"

"If I'm powerful enough to place one of my own as captain of your guard, I'm also powerful enough to poison the food from the palace kitchens. And if I end up dead or in jail, that's exactly what will happen next," he warned her mildly. Seething, she extinguished the flame on her fist. He went on, "I'm here to tell you the facts of the case so that you understand the mistake you've made concerning Captain Raiden."

"How could it possibly be a mistake to rid my court of a confessed traitor?"

"Are you happier without him?"

She couldn't say yes to that, but there were more important things than happiness at stake here. She lifted her chin and declared, "I'm no longer deceived."

"Surely you're intelligent enough to understand why Raiden acted as he did."

"Just because I understand it doesn't mean I can tolerate it. I can never trust him now."

"Trust is a choice. You can choose to trust him if you want to. If you think you'd be happier that way."

Azula found that assertion dubious. "He lied to me," she stated simply, crossing her arms.

"He denied spying to save himself and continue in a position where he could do the world – and you – the most good."

The old man's way of twisting facts made her head spin. It reminded her of Chibi. She couldn't let him confuse her. "He tried to say that even as he acted against me and lied to me, he was loyal."

"He was. Every true statement requires a bit of fabrication to knit it together, just as every lie rests on a bit of truth. Didn't Szeto say something like that? Raiden was loyal to the queen he knew you could become, and acted in your best interests."

That implication, that Raiden knew her interests better than she did, insulted her. "His attempts to sway me and change my politics were paternalistic."

"He merely presented you with new ways of seeing things. Then you chose to abandon your family's indoctrination."

"He thought he knew better than me what was right." Her pride was wounded by the way the spy plot undermined her newly developed conscience. She couldn't allow anyone to make her feel so foolish.

But the old man did not pacify her at all. "He did know better than you, didn't he? Better than your former self, anyway? The Captain Raiden who spied on you almost two years ago understood the world more clearly than the freshly-crowned girl who tried to end a war by fiat, did he not?"

She remained silent, pouting.

"Your policies haven't changed back since you sent him away, so I assume the conversion was sincere on your part, and went below the surface," Piandao observed.

"It did, and it wasn't because of him," she insisted stubbornly.

He raised a disbelieving eyebrow at this claim.

"It was because of Aang."

"And what would Aang say now?"

He'd say to forgive, she thought. She recalled questioning Aang about how he was able to be kind and polite to her father so quickly after enduring "correction." "It's not about him. It's because it makes me feel better to let it go," the airbender had said with a shrug. She lapsed into silence at this memory, and Piandao gave her a moment to contemplate.

Finally he spoke up, changing the subject slightly. "I have to admit that as far as intelligence goes, Raiden was one of the least successful operatives I've ever placed. He only ever gave me a single piece of actionable info: a note concerning a spy in the Resistance, before the incident in the desert. He kept more of your secrets than he told. And the one he told, was an ill-conceived plot destined for failure. There were a couple occasions when I rebuked him, because he found out something and didn't tell me. Several months ago, before your trip to Yu Dao, he told me he was done passing me information."

"If he was such a bad spy, then why didn't you pull him out?" Azula challenged.

"Oh, he was an excellent spy, but not when it came to finding and sharing secrets. He was doing even more important work." Piandao's voice softened. "He was helping you become the Fire Lord you were meant to be. He was performing a miracle."

Tears pricked her eyes at those words. She knew they were true.

"Good night, my lord." The old man bowed and left the room in silence.

Author's Note: Thanks for reading! This chapter is my Christmas gift to you! If you want to reciprocate, I'd love a review! Merry Christmas to those who celebrate!