A/N: This was fun, I might write some more for this.
Lord Voldemort sat in silence, staring into the fireplace of Malfoy Manor in complete disbelief. This wasn't how he imagined his glorious return would go. He should be celebrating his rebirth as well as the death of his greatest enemy. Except Harry Potter was still alive. How Potter was still alive, the Dark Lord was still trying to wrap his head around.
His plan, though in hindsight a bit overly complicated and convoluted, had gone off without a hitch. The boy had been unknowingly entered into the tournament and then guided to victory over the course of the three tasks. Yes, a Hufflepuff had somehow managed to tag along to the graveyard, but that minor inconvenience had been dealt with quickly. Voldemort had regained his body, using the blood of his most hated enemy to power the ritual, thus allowing Voldemort to negate the protections that had thwarted his previous attempts to kill the brat. Everything had gone exactly according to plan. Right up until the moment his wand had started spewing golden sparks. Things had quickly unraveled after that, with his spells backfiring, eerie phoenix calls, and the ghosts of his enemies accosting him from all sides, and Harry Potter had escaped in the chaos.
"Lucious." The man in question jumped at the sudden noise, mouth suddenly dry.
"Yes my Lord?"
"Have you discovered the cause of my wands … unusual performance earlier tonight."
"Yes my lord. We have discovered that the connection between your wand and Potter's was caused by the Priori Incantatum phenomenon. Supposedly, this can only happen between wands that share a core from the same magical beast."
Voldemort absorbed this new information and looked down at his beloved phoenix feather wand. "Of all the wands that Harry Potter could have chosen…" Voldemort mused, shaking his head.
"What of the cup?"
Lucious looked down, taking a deep breath. "It, er, appears that Crouch decided to make the portkey a multistage portkey.
Voldemort's red eyes bulged. "Why in the fuck- Why would he do that!?"
"Er, presumably for dramatic effect my Lord."
Voldemort glared, breathing heavily. "A multistage portkey is ten times as complicated to make as a standard one, and if we wanted to send Potter's corpse back to Hogwarts, we could've fucking made a second fucking portkey!"
"Yes, my lord."
The Dark Lord and his servant sat in silence, with Lucious barely daring to breathe.
"... This is some bullshit."