August 2014
You say go slow, I fall behind
The second hand unwinds
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall, I will catch you, I'll be waiting
Time after time
If you're lost, you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall, I will catch you, I will be waiting
Time after time
She found herself humming along with the song that played on the radio, keeping one ear tuned to what was going on beyond the door and downstairs as she brushed her hair. It was getting too long, she thought suddenly, using a hand to aid in trying to make her side fringe look somewhere half-decent. She had meant to book an appointment at the hairdressers' but it had ended up rather low on the list, and before she had realised it, the weeks had passed and it was too late.
The thought did cross her mind that she could just go back into the bathroom and have a go herself. The voice of the DJ came in and mercifully put the brakes on that potential disaster.
"The brilliant Cyndi Lauper there with an absolute classic. We're playing that for someone who wasn't even born when it was released, all the way back in '84. And we've got a message, too. 'Molly, we're so proud of you. Whatever happens today you've achieved so much and we know you'll always find your way. But, if you're lost, you only need to look and we'll be there.' Well, I have to say, I'm getting rather choked up myself. Sounds like you have a tip-top mum and dad, Molly. Good luck from all of us in here and out there too.
Let's stay in the '80s and hop back one year to 1983 with this fantastic number one that I can guarantee will get you dancing…"
Alex couldn't stop herself from smiling on hearing the harmonies and then Billy Joel's voice. The image of Gene - the other Gene - in mechanic gear, wielding a rather impressive spanner in his hand while shuffling and strutting in time to the music, filled her head.
For all of her many years spent studying, putting into practice many psychology techniques and now writing about them, there were some things that she had come to admit that she would never fully understand.
She was okay with that. More than okay. She knew that she wasn't a different person, that everything that had happened had not changed her fundamentally. Yet she also acknowledged, every now and then, that she couldn't have not been changed in some way. The bits of her that were broken, had been for many years, had been put back together. Perhaps in the strangest way imaginable. Certainly, she could never have foreseen the way her life had played out.
Sometimes chaotic, never dull. A lot noisier than she had ever expected it to be, but in a fantastic way, more often than not.
She wouldn't have imagined that there was the space for everything. It was hard enough trying to divide herself between Molly and work, making time for Evan too, while still having enough left for herself.
She had come to understand that, when it came to love, too much was just enough. It wasn't as though what she had now made up for what she had lost, because life didn't work like that.
She used to want to be able to explain everything to the smallest detail and degree, prided herself and where she had got to by always striving to do exactly that.
Smiling to herself in the mirror as she heard the sounds of shrieking, laughing and music that was getting louder than that which played in the bedroom, she thought about how she could never, in a million years, be able to explain how she found herself where she was now, living the life that she had.
Better still, she would never want to.
Gene became a permanent fixture in their lives, and it almost felt like it had always been the case. The day after he had asked Molly if he could go out with her - as if they had switched roles, and they were teenagers asking permission - she had woken up in her bed with Gene at her side. He gave her a smile, asked if he had woken her with his snoring. She laughed, saying that she hadn't noticed anything. Even if she had, she was too happy for it to make any difference.
He said that he was going to make breakfast, considering she was so appreciative of his skills in the kitchen. They weren't the only skills she appreciated, she retorted in kind, and if she wasn't so aware of Molly and causing her any more psychological damage that she didn't deserve at her young age then perhaps she would have angled for a different way of waking up. She settled for several tamer kisses, lying there for a while, nearly laughing aloud at how ridiculously happy she was. At how fast it all seemed to be happening.
On the other hand, she'd been waiting for it for too long. She couldn't pretend that she could make sense of everything that had happened - or hadn't happened, but felt so vividly, frighteningly real - but she knew that it had mattered. Every single moment.
It had all worked together to bring them both here. To this day that felt like a button had been pressed, one which restarted their lives.
The days and weeks were cherished, life reforming and realigning in a way that felt so natural she didn't think about how it might have looked from the outside. It wasn't of any consequence, not when things were so good on the inside. The three of them quickly became a unit. She had known from the day that Gene had arrived, from before then, really, that there was a strong bond between him and Molly. It only got stronger, and it was all that she could have asked for. The only thing she truly wanted was for her daughter to be happy, safe and secure. She supposed that it was the icing on the cake that she got to be happy too.
Until she realised that she deserved it.
Christmas came around quickly, and she worried a little bit, but for nothing. Molly was so excited that she was nearly bouncing off the walls. They had a wonderful day, having an incredible dinner and playing silly games before flopping in front of the TV. It started to snow late in the evening and Alex smiled as Molly put on her trainers while in her pyjamas to rush into the garden. She shouted at her to come and put on her coat, or at least her dressing gown. Gene followed her out, purple fluffy robe in hand, and they began to dance after he had manouvered Molly into the second layer. Molly shouted for Alex to join them, and though she hated the cold she didn't hesitate for a moment.
Not too long later, Molly's nose was still glowing red as she sat in the light of the Christmas tree, sipping on the hot chocolate that Gene had made for all of them. He was washing up in the kitchen when she smiled at Alex, reaching for her hand to pull her closer. She smiled too, asking her not-so-little girl if she'd had a good day. She couldn't frown at the sarcastic reply, which quickly faded into a genuine grin.
"The best," Molly replied. "Because I got the two things I wanted the most."
"We'll have to say an extra special thanks to Evan for the digital camera and laptop. Or should I say, Father Christmas' representative."
"I am thirteen, Mum," she said, deadpan, shaking her head before smiling. "No, not them, although they're obviously great. I really wanted it to snow, and it did, although it happened a bit late."
"Better late than never," Alex said. "And the other thing I might be able to take a wild guess at."
She could feel her cheeks go hot as Molly grinned at her. Rather than saying anything, she threw her arms around her for a hug, taking Alex a little by surprise.
"You've never been so happy, Mum. It's the best present I could ever ask for."
"Even better than a laptop?" she said, as Molly smiled up at her. "And here I was, worrying that things might be too different."
"Different is good. Loads better than they've been," Molly replied. "The only thing that would have made it better would have been if you'd known Gene sooner."
"Not just the snow, then," Alex said, hugging her daughter tighter as she kissed the top of her head.
She wasn't sure how anything could top Christmas until February came along. Molly was on half-term from school and they spent the whole week going to different places, even having that picnic at the seaside that Gene had originally planned to happen when Molly was in Scotland. One day they met up with Maggie, who had come to London for a few days, and it had been so lovely to see her and for Gene to properly catch up with one of his oldest friends. Both of them should have been exhausted, given that they were still really recovering from what they'd been through individually, but if anything it gave them a boost. The company didn't hurt, Alex considered. In fact it was probably what was responsible for making her feel more energised than she had for a long time.
Molly spent the weekend before going back to school round at her friend Keisha's house, and at first she thought that Gene was being so attentive to her to stop her from feeling anxious. She'd gotten to know the way he was quickly, and she could read him almost as closely as she could her little girl, though she refrained from asking him if anything was the matter.
"Before she went, I 'ad to ask Molls something," he said, shifting on his feet and struggling to meet her eyes as his hands planted themselves in his pockets. "Well, a couple of things. First, I wanted to know whether she thought this fit the bill…"
He brought a box out of one of his pockets, Alex taking in a sharp breath when he opened it to reveal a beautiful yet modest ring.
"Gene…"
"She said it did. So then I asked would it be alright with her if I gave it to her mum and asked if she'd marry me. If she'd want to put up with me for what I'm 'oping will be a good few years yet."
"I hope she said yes," Alex replied, her heart thumping so much in her chest that she heard it thundering against her ears.
"She said there was one condition."
She shook her head a little, thinking about Molly and the conditions she was so fond of setting. She was close to being overwhelmed when he lowered himself to the floor, getting to one knee in front of her. She broke into a flustered laugh, bringing her hands to her face.
"Alex, you've not only brought me back to life, you've made it worth living. Will you do me the 'onour of marryin' me?"
Tears sprung to her eyes as she mouthed the word, though nothing came out at first, so she had to say it again.
"No need to cry about it, or I 'ope there isn't. I'll do me best to make sure it doesn't turn out that bad."
"Yes. Yes, of course I will."
He got up and she went forward, almost flinging herself into his arms. She clung onto him as he spun her around.
"Thank Franny Lee for that, you 'ad me goin' for a minute there."
"I don't think Molly would ever forgive me if I said otherwise." She kept one arm around his shoulders, bringing her other hand to his cheek. "And I'd be an utter fool. These last few months…it's been like a dream, Gene."
"I know what you mean, love. But lucky for us, our time for dreamin' is over."
He covered the hand that was on his face, bringing it to his mouth to kiss before lowering it, reaching for the box again.
"Want to make it official?"
She nodded and smiled, extending her third finger in anticipation.
"I couldn't want anything more, Mr. Hunt."
Molly was suitably beside herself when she got back home to find that her mum and Gene were engaged. She was full of ideas about the wedding, which Alex didn't have the heart to discourage her about, being just as overjoyed herself. She did insist upon the ceremony being a low-key affair, just with the only people that really mattered. Molly asked Gene if that was alright with him, and he'd smiled, saying 'whatever your mum and you want, Molls. I know 'ow it's going to go from here, and I'm very happy with that.'
With that in mind, Molly settled upon what she said was the 'perfect time' for them to get married; the next time she was on holiday from school, which was near the end of May. Alex thought it might have been too soon, at least to sort out the logistics, but as it turned out the closest registry office had a slot available on the 21st. They barely had to think about anything, with Maggie coming on board as Molly's adult representative when it came to wedding planning.
Evan was the one person that Alex had reservations about; as the parent she'd had for most of her life she wanted him to be there, though she didn't need him to go to the lengths of giving her away. She floated the idea of spending some time with Gene with him, just the two of them. He'd tried to argue, suggesting that it wouldn't last long given that they had nothing, other than her and Molly, in common. So she was pleasantly surprised when she heard from both Gene and Evan that things had gone well, and while they would probably never be the best of friends Evan had softened enough that the wedding could go ahead without a hitch.
Or nearly, after the mishap she'd had with the hired car, in the end having to catch a cab with Molly. Being fifteen minutes late wasn't too bad, but she could see the look of relief on Gene's face when they arrived, walking towards him hand in hand.
The rest of the day couldn't have gone better if she'd dreamt it; once the pronouncements were made it felt as though all that had been held suspended in the air had settled into place.
She expected that life would settle down when they'd got back from the little honeymoon that took them to the Lake District and further north into Scotland, Molly delighted to join them for that leg. She'd felt out of sorts while they were there but hadn't thought much of it. It was likely a quite pathetic side-effect of not having had a proper holiday for going on four years, or so she had thought.
She didn't know why the last thing she expected was to be staring at the pregnancy test she eventually decided to take, just to rule it out, and find a positive result looking back at her.
Once the rather ridiculous shock had worn off she was happy. Incredibly so. As was Gene, though it took him a couple of days for him to truly believe it ("thought any chances of that happenin' were buggered for good."). When they broke the news to her, Molly was the happiest she'd ever been, aside from the day of the wedding.
"I wasn't sure how you'd feel," Alex told her daughter, when her middle started to become noticeably rounder.
"It's not up to me, is it?"
She wasn't surprised by Molly's maturity, given all that she'd had to deal with - thankfully, not for as long as she might have had to, in a more uncertain version of the world.
"Well, no, Molls, but I never want you to think that you don't have a say…Gene and I, well…we didn't exactly plan for this."
"But you were having a lot of sex," Molly responded, completely nonchalant. Before Alex could say anything, she added, "It's better that it happens now. At least, before you get to forty."
"I should be glad that someone in the house is practical."
Molly gave a little smile, which soon grew. "Did you think I'd be jealous? That I'd be throwing fits because I wasn't going to be getting all of the attention?"
"Maybe not that far," Alex considered, reaching a hand to smooth Molly's hair. She scrunched her nose in response, which made Alex laugh. "But it's a big change. A lot has changed, in such a short space of time. And perhaps I haven't properly considered the impact it's having on you."
Molly ducked her head away from Alex's hand, tipped her chin downward as she looked at her mother. "Mum, don't worry. I'm really looking forward to it. It's exciting. And I don't want you to spend the next few months stressed thinking about me."
Alex nodded, smiling. "You'll always be my first. Nothing will ever take that away."
"I know," Molly replied, a touch of embarrasment in her voice.
"I never actually thought that there would be a second," Alex added, putting a hand against her stomach, allowing herself to feel taken aback for a few moments.
"If you need a reminder, the school nurses are happy to take appointments."
Alex laughed before reaching to hug her little girl, who still was exactly that, even if she was getting to be nearly as tall as her.
"Once this one arrives, I probably should take up the offer."
Even with Molly's assurance, it didn't stop her from being somewhat scared, the fears she had becoming more solid as the months went by. Gene was anxious, too, though for different reasons.
"Don't know if I'm cut out for all of this," he said to her while they were lying in bed one night, around a month before she was due, and she was keenly aware that she was taking up most of the space.
"It's a bit late to think about that now," she replied with a soft tone. "I felt the same way before I had Molly. Like, 'what am I getting myself into?' If it's any consolation, nobody really ever fully knows."
"You've 'ad the experience, love. And at my age…"
"Don't start," she gently warned. "Maybe I'm biased, but I think that it's an advantage. God knows that Pete was far too immature, which showed in the way he ran off at the first sign of things not being a walk in the park."
"Well, there's no chance of me doin' that. I'd want me head examinin'."
"I know. And I'm sorry for talking about Pete."
"You never need to be sorry, love. I know you want me to feel better. I just…never prepared for this as something that ever had the chance of happenin'. I know there are blokes in their seventies and older that 'ave kids, but they seem like a different breed. American."
Alex burst out laughing. As she did so, their baby responded in kind by kicking firmly. The feeling was one that never failed to take her by surprise, but which was wonderful every time. She brought Gene's hand to her stomach, smiling as she registered the awe on his face, visible even in the darkness.
"You're already doing a lot better than you imagine," she said.
"Good to know." He guided his hand, patting her bump gently. "And I couldn't think of anyone else I'd want to do this with."
"Me neither," Alex replied with a smile. "We're in this together."
"You'll 'ave to show me the ropes. I'm ready and willin' to muck in with everything."
"I am very pleased to hear that. And Molly's old enough to help out too, which is a definite bonus."
"She's a great kid," Gene said. "I know I'm not her dad, but I'm glad…and I'd be more than proud if she ever wanted to think of me in that sort of way."
"I think she does," Alex answered, getting emotional.
"That's…it means a lot. More than I can say."
She could hear the crack in his voice, which told her that he had the same feeling, and also that he wasn't afraid to show it, not in the sanctuary of their bedroom.
"You don't need to say anything. We're both so lucky to have you." She paused for a moment, feeling that she didn't need to say anything further but also knowing that he would appreciate her doing so. "And this little one will be, too."
His answer came in his hand remaining on her stomach.
"What if they take after me," he said after a few moments had passed, carrying on before she could intervene, "and I mean all the bad traits. The stubborn, bloody-mindedness, the temper…there's a good chance they'll be a bleedin' nightmare."
"I'm fairly sure that I'll have a part to play in that, as well," she chuckled.
"Let's 'ope so," he sat up, leaning towards where she lay, his head bent towards her, "because if they take after you, they'll be perfect."
A couple of weeks before she was due, in early January 2011, Alex went into labour. She did her best to remain calm through it all, given that she could tell that Gene was terrified. For the most part, she was able to keep herself together. Until many hours had passed and it became more of a struggle. She knew that it wasn't a great sign when several doctors came to examine her. When the conclusion was that an emergency caesarean was needed, she clung to Gene's hand, searching his eyes for assurance.
He'd always been there for her when she needed him the most, and right then she had needed him more than ever.
"Everything's goin' to be alright, Bolly," he said, linking her fingers tight with his. "I promise. If I've got anythin' to do with it…and I'd say I 'ave, quite a lot."
She was relieved that he was able to come into the theatre with her, not sure that she'd have enough strength to do it on her own. It seemed to take forever and also hardly any time at all, Alex holding her breath before she heard a cry piercing the air in the room, and she felt her own tears running from her eyes down to her cheeks.
"Congratulations, Mrs and Mr Hunt," the midwife's voice came to her from what felt like miles away, "you have a daughter."
It took a couple of days after the birth to be certain of a name, but Alex was adamant. In turn, Gene said that she didn't have to, but she assured him that there was no other choice, because she only had to look at their little girl to know that she was an Edie. They'd discussed names ahead of time and she'd been drawn to his suggestion of Edith, which was the name of his grandmother, a formidable woman by all accounts. She liked the thought of Gene's history playing a part in the life of his child, and being Edie rather than Edith meant that she would have her own story to take charge of.
Given that she was their daughter, it was no great surprise that Edie was headstrong, always wanting to do things on her own terms and getting more than a bit frustrated when she didn't pick something up straight away. She was confident and fearless - sometimes, a little too fearless - and she could talk for England. She was clever and caring and considerate, and loved fiercely, and she was particularly attached to her older sister. From as soon as she could stand on her own two feet and took her first wobbling steps, Edie was Molly's shadow, and it took a while to placate her from not being able to go with Molly wherever she went. In those cases, Edie would cling onto Gene like a limpet, and Alex couldn't have been happier at the outcome.
Being on maternity leave gave her the chance to go back to writing. Perhaps it had something to do with feeling stable and settled - even with having a new baby to look after - but she found herself reinvigorated and in a mindset where she felt she could not just face what had happened to her, and to Gene, but could begin to dig deeper too.
She had held onto the details about Shaz and Chris, and felt that it was only right that she ventured to get in touch with them before doing any further research, or daring to feature them in anything she wrote. They might not have wanted anything to do with her work, even if they did agree to meet with her, and she would respect their wishes completely. It was a nervewracking thing to do; Molly held onto her other hand as she made the first phone calls to both of them.
Shaz was just as lovely and enthusiastic as her counterpart had been, excited by the prospect of being featured in a book and forthcoming with the details of her experiences. She seemed to be energised by discovering that she hadn't been alone or 'going absolutely doolally', as she put it. It was difficult for Alex to hold back, in a way; to remember that she was only just getting to know Shaz, that the person she was familiar with wasn't exactly the same.
Chris was rather more wary, or perhaps cautious was the best way of putting it (she smiled thinking of that, recalling how the Chris that she knew would defend himself when he was being unfairly disparaged). Alex was more than willing to be patient, letting him come to her and set their meetings according to his own terms. He did meet with her, more than once, and when he was feeling comfortable, he had the same level of interest, openness and fascination as Shaz did. Just like the 'other' Chris, he was sweet-natured and eager to learn.
She supposed she shouldn't have been that shocked about all of the similarities that she discovered, especially not when it came to her and Gene. He was pleased to hear about both Chris and Shaz when she talked about them, in as much detail as she thought was fair, and she reassured him that it wasn't weird to feel such an attachment. The same had been true for her, after all, but Gene had been their Guv. The fond smile that came onto his face when she recounted how well they both seemed to be doing made her heart warm.
After a bit of initial reluctance, and the insistence that nobody would want to read about him, Gene himself relented and let himself be interviewed. The strangeness of the situation soon dissipated, and Alex was pleasantly surprised by the length at which he spoke. "I'm only doing this because it's you," he would say, as if by way of a disclaimer, and she would nod and smile faintly in response, not daring to suggest that perhaps it was exactly the outlet he needed. Of course, it helped that after reliving trauma - on both sides - they were able to play with and talk to their daughters, enjoy a family meal and curl up on the sofa with the TV on.
She was keen to keep things private, knowing that any good psychologist prized confidentiality and emotional boundaries above all else. It was those she was associating with who had their own curiosities, and before too long, she found herself playing chaperone as she facilitated a meeting between Shaz and Chris.
As it turned out, it wasn't the last meeting they would have, and she didn't have to take on the role of chaperone for very long.
While she was occupied with her writing, Gene went back to work, as he was offered a consultant role at Fenchurch East. Alex encouraged him to take it up, insisting that they would be fine; it was a role that was less intensive than his previous frontline duties, coming with the flexibility that allowed him not to miss out on Edie's development. She had to admit that she was also relieved that having him stay behind the scenes for the most part meant that the heat would be taken off. Needless to say, he was welcomed with open arms when he returned, and it put an added spring in his step to be back at a place where he felt that he truly belonged, doing something that he loved. Not feeling like he was 'past it' or forgotten.
Not that that could ever be the case.
Putting everything together, their life was probably full enough. Certainly it would have been considered so by many other people's standards. She wasn't sure whether it was because she always liked a challenge - and the book was coming along much quicker than she had ever imagined that it would - or because Gene was just so great with Edie, and it was almost impossible for her to stop from feeling broody. And, if she was being practical, it was wise to heed Molly's words, and do something about it before she turned forty.
"You sure about this, love?" Gene had said, once they'd talked it through. "Not that I'm suggestin' that you can't, but it's a lot to take on. We could get a dog instead. Or a couple of guinea pigs."
"I don't think that would have quite the same effect," she laughed. "Believe me, I have given it a lot of thought. And maybe I am a bit bonkers, but I keep landing on the same thing. So I think it feels right. At least to give it a go."
"Well, can't say that I mind tryin'."
"It might not work," she offered, thinking practically. "We might have just struck lucky when it came to Edie. But I think that it's better that we don't leave it to chance this time, and it also means that Molls won't be mortified."
"She loves the bones of Edie," Gene countered.
"Yes she does, but I'd say that she likely doesn't love the thought of her mother and stepfather acting as though they're not much older than she is."
"Fair enough." He reached over from where he stood at the kitchen counter, circling his arms around her waist and pulling her in close. "S'pose it would be nice to have another little 'un running about, causing chaos. Better I try keeping up with them now, while I still 'ave a good chance."
Alex rolled her eyes faintly at that, smiling as she draped her arms around his shoulders.
"No guarantees," she said. "We can't get too ahead of ourselves, or disappointed if it doesn't go our way."
He cupped her face with his hand, running his thumb over her cheek. "We've been pretty bloody lucky up to now. Who's to say that it won't continue?"
She smiled up at him, wanting to believe him, not having the heart to bring all of their hopes crashing down.
It took longer than with Edie, perhaps because they were keeping track this time. Patience was not the strongest suit of either of them, but they were glad to have persevered.
Just over a month after Edie's second birthday, her little brother Leo Samuel Hunt made his arrival.
Once again, life changed beyond anything that she could have imagined.
And Alex wouldn't have had it any other way.
"Mummy, Mummy!" Edie ran over to her as soon as she set one foot into the kitchen, looking up eagerly at her with bright blue eyes. "Come and dance!"
She'd dragged Molly over the floor with her, and was still holding tight to her big sister's hand. Molly was laughing, attempting to get Edie to calm down but not having a lot of success.
"Have you had your breakfast?" Alex asked.
Edie nodded eagerly. Looking across to the table, Alex could see a bowl that was over half-full with cereal and a barely touched slice of toast.
"Edie," Alex said, doing what she could to sound stern. "You know better than to tell fibs. You've got to have breakfast so you're not filling up on rubbish."
A sly smile came across the little girl's face as she twisted at the waist to look up at her sister.
"Okay," Alex looked at Molly too, "what's going on?"
When Molly wasn't forthcoming, Edie turned back to her mother with a grin. "Molly said she'll take me to McDonalds for lunch!"
"Did she, now?"
"Only if things turn out alright," Molly clarified, looking down as Edie swung their arms back and forth. "Although I might need something to cheer me up."
"It'll be fine," Alex said, reassuring her oldest daughter. "I know you want to do well, and I know where you get that from. You've worked so hard, and I can't see it not going your way."
"Listen to your mother, Molls," Gene piped up from where he was sitting, bowl in hand, next to Leo in his high-chair. "You'll be top of the class, else there'll 'ave been an almighty balls-up."
"But it's also okay if things aren't quite as expected," Alex added gently. "At least, you'll have options."
"Well, not long to go now," Molly said with a sigh. "Sorry, I was trying to distract myself and I dragged Edie into it."
Alex smiled and shook her head, knowing that her younger daughter didn't require that much in the need of persuasion.
"Alright, McDonalds for lunch it is," she said, causing Edie to shriek in happiness. "So long as you finish your breakfast first. And once you've finished your breakfast and let it settle, then we can dance."
Edie was a little perturbed by that, the pout that was a mirror image of her father's increasing when the music that was coming from Molly's open laptop started playing a certain song that felt to Alex like it had been on repeat for the best part of the last two weeks.
"But Mummy, this is my favourite!"
Her hands placed on her hips almost caused Alex to burst out laughing. The pigtail plaits in her hair were slightly lopsided, but she couldn't bear to fix them. Both Edie and she loved the fact that Gene was willing to put his hand to hairstyling, as well as so many other things.
"Okay," Alex relented, "but when it's finished you'll go back to your breakfast, please."
"Yes, Mummy. Now come on and dance!"
She looked across the room to Gene, silently saying our daughter is such a bossy boots. He smirked in return, answering with a look that said I wonder where she gets it from.
The music played and she twirled around, taking both of Edie's hands into hers and twirling her too, then stretching an arm out towards Molly, pulling her into the circle. It was such a simple thing to do but was near unparalleled in how much it made her heart feel like it was going to burst with happiness, dancing with her girls.
As she turned she caught Gene's eyes again and stopped for a few moments to take in the way he smiled at her, how he took Leo's still pudgy hand in his and pointed their little boy's attention to the impromptu disco in the middle of the kitchen. Edie tugged on the sleeve of her blouse to get her dancing again, and she did soon enough, every so often seeking out Gene and feeling a little dizzy, not just from the somewhat relentless spinning she was doing.
Thankfully Edie agreed to the terms and settled back on the chair she had vacated, insisting that she didn't need any help getting seated. Molly went back to her laptop and Alex looked at her with a frown, wanting to suggest that she go for a walk or do something else to occupy her but knowing better than to actually say anything, given that Molly was unlikely to take her advice.
"How's my little love?" Alex asked, smoothing a hand over Leo's mop of sandy blonde hair and smiling as he looked up at her with a gummy grin. "Having a yummy breakfast?"
"We're gettin' there," Gene answered, tipping the bowl just enough so that she could see the contents but keeping it out of Leo's reach so another morning of mess could be avoided - Leo was in the stage when he seemed to prefer play and paint with his food rather than eat it. "Aren't we, son?"
"Yeah!" Leo exclaimed eagerly.
"Wonderful," Alex said, kissing Leo's cheek before she stood to full height once more. "That's the best he's done for a while."
"I reckon we could manage a bit more," Gene stated with confidence. "We're not leaving until three."
"At the earliest," Alex confirmed. "Just don't mention that McDonalds is the plan for lunch."
" 'Donalds!" Leo cheered, throwing his arms out so swiftly that Gene had to employ super quick reflexes to prevent the remainder of what was in the bowl from flying out of it and onto the floor.
"Seems like it's too late for that," Alex said with a laugh.
"We'll try again in a few days. Give 'im time to get fightin' fit." Gene threw punches in the air, making Leo laugh before hoisting him out of the high-chair.
"Are you absolutely sure you don't mind looking after them?" Alex directed to Molly, who was still hunched over the table, the glow from the laptop screen illuminating her face. "I think we can still catch Maggie, if I call her now. And if not, then there's Evan."
"Mum, it's fine. I've said I would and I will." Molly looked up, glancing towards Edie, who was now happily eating her Coco Pops, and then smiling at Alex. "I'd be a very bad big sister if I fobbed them off."
"I feel guilty that we're getting in the way of your celebrations," Alex returned.
"Unless you specifically arranged Shaz and Chris's wedding for the weekend after I got my A Level results, then I don't think it can be helped. And, like you say, I have options. Plenty if everything goes to plan, and maybe even more so if it doesn't."
Alex shook her head lightly as Molly returned her eyes to the screen in front of her.
"Oh, sh…ugar," Molly murmured after a few seconds had passed,
"Is this it?" Alex asked, her eyes wide. "Are they here?"
Molly nodded and mumbled. "Give me a minute."
"Yes," Alex replied, taking a seat at the table opposite her eldest child. "Deep breath in."
Molly made a half-hearted attempt before bringing a hand to her mouth, worrying at her nails. Alex restrained the urge to tell her to stop, given the occasion.
"I…I can't do it," Molly announced, standing up from her chair. "Not yet. A few hours, after we've been for lunch."
"Molls," Alex said softly. "It's like a plaster. Ripping it off is always the best option."
Molly tipped her head up, not seeming so sure. Gene went over to her, Leo wriggling in his arms.
"I'll do it for yer if you want," he offered.
Alex watched as Molly turned to Gene, the smallest hint of a smile on her face.
"It's okay. I'm going to do it."
She sat down again, Gene hovering at her shoulder. Alex shuffled forward in her own seat, her stomach lurching as she waited. There was silence as Molly clicked, her face unmoving as she stared at the screen.
"Molls," Alex ventured, unable to bear the suspense much longer. She was confident in her daughter's abilities, but a part of her began to hurt, knowing how crushed Molly would be if things didn't go her way.
She felt a little at ease when she saw Molly's mouth quirking to the side.
"It's good," she said, after a couple more minutes of weighty silence. "Really good." She took a breath before saying, "two A stars, an A and a B."
"You're a bloody clever clogs," Gene said, placing his free hand on Molly's shoulder. "Always knew it."
"Oh, Molls," Alex exclaimed, unable to contain her excitement. "That's wonderful. Completely wonderful."
"Yay!" Leo clapped his hands, and they all laughed.
"You'll definitely be going to your first choice, then." Alex shared a knowing smile with Molly, who returned it over the table. "I don't know about us packing, you'd better make a start."
"You goin' far?" Gene asked, as yet unaware. "Oxford an' Cambridge are a stone's throw, you can leave most of yer stuff here."
Molly looked up at him, and Alex had to purse her lips tight, lest she spoil the surprise.
"I chose Manchester," she said.
It didn't happen often - only to her memory when they'd got married, and after Edie and Leo had been born - but Alex could tell that Gene was genuinely overcome with emotion. She smiled, her heart overflowing with pride for both her daughter and her husband, as he sniffed, holding back the tears. It was alright; he'd let them out later on, when it was just the two of them.
"Clever kid," he said, his voice shaking a little, the one thing that gave away the extent of how he felt. "Proud of yer, Molls."
"Thanks, Dad," she replied, face bright and beaming, her hand reaching to take one of Leo's.
"Better get this one sorted for the day." Gene bounced Leo in his arms, looking between him and Molly. "Only one thing for it to celebrate your big sister, eh?"
He looked over at Alex, who smiled and shrugged as she knew exactly what he was referring to.
"If you must," she said.
"Ey, we can take 'im to his first home match when we visit," Gene exclaimed, bouncing Leo higher. "Give you time to settle in first, love. And promise we won't 'ang around the halls, embarrassing yer."
"That could never happen," Molly said, the sarcasm in her tone clear but affectionate.
He started singing football chants, at least the ones that were suitable for Leo's young ears, as he took off out of the room and up the stairs.
"I don't think I've ever been so proud," Alex said when she had rounded the table, her hands on Molly's arms. "You are amazing. And I'm not going to spoil your day by going on about how much I'm going to miss you."
"I'll come back to visit," Molly replied, by way of assurance. "Maybe not every weekend, but often enough. I don't want to miss out on everything here."
She smiled and nodded towards Edie, who was valiantly finishing off her portions.
"You can't get rid of me that easily," she continued.
"Nor would we ever want to," Alex affirmed, holding back her own tears with a deep breath. "And now we can't celebrate properly with you."
"There'll be time for that when you get back. I won't be leaving for another month and a bit."
The very real thought was nearly enough to tip her over the edge into floods of tears.
"You should have fun. It's an order," Molly said, half-serious.
"We will," Alex nodded. "It'll be nice."
"And remember to be careful," Molly added, her tone graver.
"This feels very much like a role reversal," Alex said with a small laugh. "But, yes. You don't have to worry on that front. I've packed the provisions."
"That was more than I needed to know, Mum."
"Just trying to put your mind at ease." She threaded a hand into Molly's hair, ruffling it to her daughter's chagrin. "I'm glad you're not going so soon. We'll have to plan some girls' days before then."
"Can I come, Mummy?" Edie piped up, as if on cue. "Look, I've finished everything!"
"That is incredibly well done," Alex exclaimed, making her way to where her youngest daughter sat, holding her empty bowl aloft like a prize. "I'm very proud of you, darling. And of course you can come. It wouldn't be the same without you."
"Can't be without my favourite little sister," Molly added.
"You don't have any others!" Edie answered.
"And I hope it's going to stay that way," Molly said, giving Alex a sideward glance.
Edie put a little hand to her chin, appearing deep in thought. "I would like a little sister. Or a puppy!"
"Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing if you headed off sooner," Alex directed at Molly.
"Sorry," Molly raised her hands in apology, stifling a laugh. "I'm going to call Maggie."
"And Evan, too," Alex said, as Molly was already heading out of the room.
"I figured you could let him know."
"I'll add it to the to-do list, shall I?"
"That'd be great, thanks Mum!"
Alex shook her head while Edie laughed and then grinned wide.
"I'm very glad that you take more responsibility than your sister does," she told Edie, holding a hand out towards her. "Now, let's get you ready for the rest of the day. Daddy is upstairs sorting Leo, but I want you to know that you don't have to wear that awful football shirt if you don't want to."
Edie's eyes lit up. "I want to wear it!"
Alex couldn't stop herself from laughing, thinking of course you do fondly.
"Okay then. Well, let's see if we can find it, hey? Mummy might have misplaced it when she was putting the washing away…"
Molly came upstairs just at the right time once both Edie and Leo were dressed, full of energy after getting off the phone from talking with Maggie. While she occupied her little sister and brother, Alex went back down, finishing as much of her rapidly cooling tea as she could manage, then heading into the front room.
Gene followed not far behind, and she turned at the sound of his footsteps. He smiled the way he only did for her, and it settled the uneasiness she felt inside, already fretting about all of the things that could happen when Molly went to university.
"She'll be alright, you know," he said, exactly as if he had the ability to read her mind.
She nodded as he walked towards her. "I know. It doesn't stop me from worrying."
"You're 'er mam. It's only right for you to worry." He placed an arm around her waist, tipping his chin upwards. "Though I 'ope you won't be doing too much of it."
"I'm sure that I can find some distractions from somewhere," she replied, smiling up at him.
"Hmm. Think I might know someone who could help with that."
"You'll have to introduce us."
He raised an eyebrow in disdain, making her laugh before he leaned down to kiss her. She wrapped her arms around him, holding close, thoroughly enjoying the moment that she hoped hinted at what was to come over the next few days. No distractions, or keeping an ear out for little voices calling for 'Mum' or 'Dad', or both of them at once.
Gene kissed the top of her head before pulling back just enough to look at her again. "Won't be that long before Edie and Leo are packin' their bags and headin' off."
"Don't," she said, lightly hitting him on the chest. "I'm having enough of a time of it coping as is."
He nodded. "Is there anythin' I can do to make it more bearable?"
"Just be here," she answered, with a soft smile slowly coming onto her face. "And be willing to put up with my crying and moping, and being irrational every now and then."
"Think I've managed well so far," he said with a smirk, before he sobered. "Of course. Anytime you need me, love."
"I think it might be quite often," she replied, her hand slowly slipping down his chest. "Though Molly has put us on strict orders over one thing."
"Good thing we're leaving her 'ere."
She smiled, resting her head against him and staying there, the two of them just standing on the spot.
"I should probably -" she began after a few minutes.
"No," Gene said firmly, "everything's fine."
"Mmm," she mumbled. A minute or so later, she turned in his arms, causing him to grunt in disapproval. "I just want to check the news. Make sure there's no travel disruption ahead."
"Can't exactly be 'elped if there is," he replied, "but your wish."
He kept one arm fastened around her while he reached to hand her the remote.
The news was already on when the television came to life, showing a still photograph of a young blonde woman, smiling out from the screen.
'...identified as 27 year old Laura Lyon. One of the youngest Detective Inspectors in the Met, Lyon was targeted point blank by a single bullet, and pronounced dead on arrival at the Royal London Hospital…'
Alex felt a cold shiver run down her spine. She must have physically trembled, as Gene's arm clasped tighter to her.
"Christ, she's just a kid," he muttered. She could feel his hand clutching her blouse and she found it difficult to breathe for a few seconds, so much running at lightning speed through her brain. "Alex? Love…"
She turned her head to look at him. "I…I'm okay. It's just…"
"Brings it back," he said, looking at the screen for a couple of seconds before putting his gaze back onto her. "I can't really remember, but stuff like this still makes me stop in me tracks."
"No, not that. Well, not just that." She blinked, thinking if she took the image in faster it might help her to remember. "I could swear that I met her. But not while I was…I think it was…but that's impossible."
"It's alright, love." She felt Gene's hand cover hers, gently wresting the remote out of her grasp and throwing it onto the sofa. "You're alright."
Alex nodded, turning around again, letting herself be folded into Gene's arms. Her mind ran through it, holding onto the image of Laura Lyon's face. The day that Gene had saved her and Molly from the chaos of the bomb threat on Oxford Street. They were in a room, in Fenchurch East, but Gene wasn't there, and Laura herself wouldn't have been more than one year old at the time…
…which is when it dawned on her.
Even when she thought she'd gone through it all, turned it inside out a thousand times over, there was always more to discover.
She opened her eyes, lifted her head and looked up at Gene. He smiled his crooked smile as she held on tighter to him, asking her with his eyes if everything was alright.
"We're so lucky," she said, "to be here, now. To have the life that we have."
He nodded, his eyes not leaving her. "I know. I'll never not think that I'm the luckiest sod alive, not to still be lying in that bed, like a bloody vegetable."
In spite of herself, she laughed, before it turned into a sob.
"Alex," he said, his voice gentler. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't 'ave said…don't cry, love."
"It's okay," she replied. "I don't want you to forget, or take it for granted. Because I don't either. Not for one second."
"I could never," he followed her, pulling her closer. "Not with you by me side, Bollykecks."
She smiled at the old nickname, looking at the gleaming ring on her finger.
Trying not to think how it could have all been so different, but knowing that she needed to remember.
And keep on remembering.
It never got any easier, no matter how many times she did it. Most of the time she got by with telling herself that it was her job, as well as thinking about how it was the best place for them. The closest thing to Heaven, really. She had never been especially religious, so in a way, it was.
Heaven as a pub. It certainly had mass appeal, so it seemed more fitting than all the more conventional biblical images.
Sometimes she was tempted to see what would happen if she tried to cross the threshold herself. Whether or not she'd find herself deposited elsewhere. She hadn't asked for this. Yet, somehow, it had been bestowed upon her, so it was her duty to be responsible.
Ray had more than done his duty, and as much as she had wanted to be selfish and keep him on indefinitely, she knew that it was time. It had been terribly hard, the hardest one there had been. She took comfort from the flicker of recognition on his face before he went, the way he looked up at the star-filled sky and settled his gaze on the brightest one to be found, smiling.
There was comfort to be found here; you just had to know where to look.
She returned to the office at Fenchurch East, the door that now bore her name.
She hadn't forgotten the way he had, and she wondered if that meant something. That there would be no changing hands. Could she die here? What would it be like, to die twice?
He knew, she supposed. But it had also meant that he had gone back, and she knew that the same wouldn't be true for her. She didn't have a heart that beat, but she could have a drink. It was good to know that not all pleasures were denied.
It wasn't just the fact that she'd had to let her longest-running colleague go that made her feel unsettled, as if she wasn't in one place or the other. She took a breath as she realised what day it must have been, in the 'future'.
Something made her reach for the bottom drawer of her desk, and she smiled when she discovered a half-full bottle of scotch. She unscrewed the top, pouring herself a measure, and drinking as much as she could manage, which wasn't a lot.
Her eyes went to the poster that she had tacked to the wall, in the place where it had always belonged. She raised her glass and bowed her head.
"To you, Guv. I don't know that I'm doing as well as you, but I'm trying."
She took another sip, wincing at the way the alcohol burned her throat. Then she smiled, as she thought of where he was right now. Who he was with.
"To you, Alex. I wish I would have known you better. But all things considered, I'm glad that I didn't get the chance."
Once this day was over she knew that she would feel better. She felt better thinking of them both, that they'd had another chance. Sometimes she grieved that she hadn't been given that chance, but she knew that she was helping.
She didn't really help them along, but she liked to think she played her part, at least in the grand scheme of things.
It was enough, most of the time. Tomorrow would be a new day. Another start.
"I'm happy," she said, a little louder than a whisper in the empty room, "hope you're happy too."
A/N: We are finally at the end! What a ride it has been. If you've stuck with this fic since the beginning or have dropped in along the journey, I can't thank you enough.
Lazarus may not be in the works any longer, but this is how I'll always think of Alex and Gene.