Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, everyone!
Lightning passed over my shoulder, myself having only barely managed to dodge out of its path. Not even an eyeblink later, a chocolate-colored leg swung at my head from the left. My own left arm, solid black from the elbow down with Acero, came up to block the strike. Curling the fingers of my right hand into a fist, I threw out a right straight, only for Yoruichi to roll her leg along my left arm and bring down her other foot in an axe-kick for my skull. I was unable to do anything else than have my Hierro absorb the blow, the strike enhanced by lightning that coursed through my body. My right hand came up to snap closed around her ankle, which I then used as leverage to throw the Goddess of Flash away from me.
At this point in the spar, my entire body was numb from Yoruichi's Raijin Senkei. I shouldn't even be able to move from the muscle spasms and whatnot. The only reason I was, was thanks to my Rasotengai. Try as I might, moving exclusively with Rasotengai had a delay I couldn't fix. Needing to consciously manipulate my reiatsu to invoke movement meant there was always an extra step. Add in the fact that it meant I couldn't react off pure instinct, and I was at a heavy disadvantage compared to normal. It made for a good challenge. I would have enjoyed it, had I been capable of purging the fact that it hinged on my not using Zangetsu in the first place from my mind. It's been an increasing trouble of mine. To even approach the realm of a challenging fight, I had to restrict myself in some way, but it's been increasingly difficult to get myself to forget where the challenge comes from as of late. Even during my spars with Unohana, where there was far more freedom for brutality, it was becoming more difficult to sink into the euphoric flow of combat.
I slipped into a clumsy dash towards Yoruichi, though 'clumsy' was really based on one's perspective. My speed was comparable to Soi Fon's at the moment, it being a true question which of us was faster at this exact second. It was still impressive, she was one of the five fastest Shinigami alive on a bad day, but when the difference between the speed of those five individuals was usually in the order of magnitudes, it was pretty noticeable. Against Yoruichi in particular, who was the second fastest Shinigami to date at her best, it was not a good thing. Ever since I started relying on Rasotengai, I've had to depend on my Hierro and Acero a lot more. Most of the successful strikes I've landed were only when I could grapple with her, my strength unimpeded and nothing she could overwhelm.
"I've brought the drinks you requested!" Unohana's voice carried across Kisuke's basement. I immediately stopped, looking over to see my nurse standing by the ladder with a six-pack of sake bottles in her hold.
"Thanks again for that!" I called back. "Really appreciate it!"
"Wait, are we done?" Yoruichi blinked. "Just like that? We've barely been going for three hours!"
"We'll have time for more later, today is when I start with the arrancar." My Acero faded away as I lumbered over to where I put my shirt and Zangetsu. "Everyone's making good progress so far, anyway. Status reports from the Squads confirm that most unseated officers are of comparable strength to 15th seats. If we can get the baseline to be 10th seat in strength by the time the Wandenreich comes around, they should be able to successfully stall out the Soldats."
"You get status reports from the Squads?" The werecat asked as she came to join myself and Unohana.
"With there finally being an official War Preparation Leader, each of the Captains are to submit monthly training status reports to him." The First Kenpachi explained, sounding annoyed with the very concept. "All seated officers are to further submit individual reports describing their own progression in training. Then, of course, they are to submit separate reports for any trainings they have proposed themselves, and yet more for any trainings they've proposed that would affect those other than themselves."
"I'm supposed to keep track of all forms of training to measure their success, so that I can decide if I want them to stop for whatever reason, increase it so that it can meet more goals, or have the training spread to other members of the Gotei. I'm also supposed to come up with quotas that everyone is supposed to meet each month for training, a general one for all Shinigami to follow and individual ones for seated officers, that they have to meet on top of the general demands." I followed up. "Technically, I have regulations I'm supposed to follow for making up the quotas. Theoretically, if the trainings I propose don't include objectives supportive of the purpose of individual squads, such as making sure Squad 12 spends a certain amount of time each month working on projects, they could be rejected. However, no one's stopped me yet from just giving my paperwork to Yamamoto rather than submitting it to Central 46 for review, so I don't worry about it." The ex-noble tilted her head.
"C46 is just letting you do that? They can't possibly be happy about such blatant disrespect."
"Just because they're self-absorbed assholes doesn't mean they're stupid. They're not going to waste time trying to court-marshal me. For one, they know no one in the Gotei 13 would even attempt to collect me for it. Second, even if that weren't an issue, they know the entire Gotei would lose to me in a fight." The golden-eyed woman burst into laughter.
"So it isn't that they have no problem with it, it's that you both know they can't stop you!" She cackled. "God, I wish there were more people like you in the Gotei 13!"
"I keep trying to convince Yamamoto, but he seems content in letting Central 46 make all of the non-Gotei-related decisions, which I can almost admire." Was my grumble. "But we can continue this later, I've gotta go have a talk about the meaning of life with Ulquiorra, which is why I needed the sake." Both of my lovers smirked while I relieved my nurse of the six-pack.
"Have fun!" Yoruichi grinned right before they both gave me a peck on the lips.
Finding Ulquiorra was pretty easy. There were really only two places he frequented, being his room, and the library. Not that it was much of a surprise, but the man didn't really do much. My first stop was the library, and that ended up being the correct decision, as he was sitting on a chair reading one of the books.
"What'cha reading?" I asked, not being able to see the cover of the book from my position.
"King John by William Shakespeare." The pale Espada answered. A grin curled onto my face at hearing that.
"Ooh, I'd love to discuss that one with you once you're done. Personally, my favorite of his works is Hamlet, but I've enjoyed all of his works."
"You've read the works of this Shakespeare person?" His eyes lifted from the pages to look at me.
"He's pretty famous for his tragedies in the Living World, actually." I informed. "Though, it's weird how few people know that he's my favorite playwright."
"I see. At first, I only picked them up because I've been going through the library in my spare time, but now I will pay closer attention. It will prove useful for understanding humans."
"Good to know. As much as I'd like to pick your brain about what you've read already, we're starting your training today and it will help to change locations for that." Ulquiorra nodded in acceptance, lifting a bookmark from the table next to him and closing the book around it. He gently sat the book atop the table before standing, sliding his hands into his pockets as he came up to stand by me, clearly waiting for me to lead the way. I turned and did so, hearing his shoes clicking against the tile behind me. Relatively familiar with the environment, I was able to navigate us to the inner sands pretty quickly, it only taking about five minutes. "Okay, while I'm sure you could help me get us outside Las Noches by using the halls, I'd honestly rather not do that, so we're just going to go straight through the ceiling."
"If that is your choice." He accepted without any hesitance. Raising my free hand, I fired a bala directly above, to break open a hole in the roof that we could fly through. Once more, I led the way, a disturbed vertigo going through me over the reversal of my last encounter with Ulquiorra in my time. Without any of the urgency that had been present in that moment, it felt almost lackadaisical as we soared up to the hole. Neither of our blades were drawn, his hands were in his pockets, I had sake in my hand. There was an easiness in the air, a sense of relaxation that was so fundamentally opposite to the tension the last time I was in this situation. Almost before I realized it, we flew through the hole and were now standing atop the roof of Las Noches. The pillars that rose into the sky were behind us, and the empty sands before. Humming in thought, I wandered around a little, looking for a spot I wanted to settle on, Ulquiorra mutely trailing along. Deciding on a random spot relatively close to the hole I made, I sat down with my left knee up and my other leg spread out in front of me. After setting the sake down to my right, I patted the space to the right of that.
"This spot feels right, take a seat."
"How am I to become stronger if we simply sit and drink? Yammy and Aaroneiro were the only arrancar capable of graining strength from consuming things." He wondered, remaining standing.
"Most of the physical training for the arrancar will be after they unlock their Segunda Etapas. There are some exceptions, Grimmjow being a big one, but for the most part, sparring won't do anything for reaching Segunda Etapa." I explained, already taking out one of the bottles and cracking it open to take a drink.
"I fail to see how that makes sense. Arrancar's Zanpakutos are their own Hollow powers sealed in the form of a blade mimicking that of a Shinigami. Resurreccion is merely the release of those powers, in practice it is only amplification of powers the arrancar already possessed. Segunda Etapa is nothing more than a second stage of that release, a further amplification of existing power, is it not? Would it not be most reasonable that participating in combat and forcing the arrancar to draw upon more power would be what would spur the release of Segunda Etapa?" And this was why I had the sake.
"Well, you said it yourself; the zanpakuto of an Arrancar is the mimicry of a Shinigami's. They're more parallel with each other than anything else. They do similar things in different ways. For example, both come from the user's soul, but where a Shinigami's zanpakuto is a portion of their soul split off, an Arrancar's zanpakuto is their existing abilities sealed away. Both have a release state that grants them power, but where a Shinigami's Shikai is cooperation with their sword, an Arrancar's Resurreccion is just them no longer sealing away their strength. Thing is, that's where your argument turns wrong, and your misunderstanding of Segunda Etapa starts to show itself." I stopped for a moment to take another sip, sighing in appreciation at the taste. "You just explained that you perceive Segunda Etapa as a further release of hidden away hollow power. It's really not."
"How are you so certain? How do you understand the zanpakuto of Arrancar so well?"
"I'll admit it's more of a highly educated guess than anything else, but it's very highly educated. All power in this world is dependent on the self. The more in tune you are with who you are, the more powerful you become. I can name example after example of this being the case, both of people growing stronger through self-understanding, as well as others reaching roadblocks because they refuse to look inward. A lot of Shinigami practices for growing in strength are so ingrained they don't even understand why it works. Of course you're going to get Shikai when you first succeed at communicating with your zanpakuto, you're literally reaching a state where you're able to communicate with the entirety of your soul. Of course defeating your zanpakuto in combat grants Bankai, it's a way of displaying thorough understanding of your own abilities. Fullbringers like Chad and Orihime grew stronger through similar means. Hell, even Sternritter's Schrifts are powers they already had the potential to attain that Yhwach forcefully awakened. As we've both said, Arrancar Resurreccion is the return to their hollow origins." It was at this, that Ulquiorra finally nodded in acceptance before sitting down cross-legged next to me.
"The evidence you've presented does indeed make sense. I am still skeptical of this theory, but it holds enough merit that I will hear you out." He announced. I nodded in gratefulness while also raising my bottle in the same acknowledgment.
"With all that in mind, Segunda Etapa can't just be 'further release of hollow power', without pretty much making Resurreccion useless. That would mean Resurreccion is basically the Arrancar in question still holding back. Shinigami zanpakuto don't operate in that format, and it's just a waste for Arrancar zanpakuto to do that. So, let's keep going down that road I started just a second ago: Shinigami and Arrancar zanpakuto are parallel with each other. Arrancar Resurreccion is a return to hollow origins that grants them full access to their unique abilities, and Shinigami Shikai is a reconnection with the soul that bestows upon them unique abilities. If we keep this logic, Segunda Etapa must be fundamentally similar in nature to what a Shinigami's Bankai is."
"Your argument would be moot if a Shinigami's Bankai were simply an amplification of their existing powers, thus I am left to conclude that is not the case." At his words, I nodded again.
"Where Shikai is communication, Bankai is understanding. The proper journey for a Shinigami to master their zanpakuto is to understand what a zanpakuto is, as well as what that means. Since a Shinigami's zanpakuto is part of their soul, and thus an aspect of who they are, it's inherently something Arrancar don't have to deal with. So, rather than looking at the literal part of that, let's check out the conceptual part of that. The mastery of a zanpakuto is to look upon yourself and understand who you are. What drives you, what are your origins, what road did you take to reach this point and where do you want it to take you?" I prompted. The white-skinned Espada sat silently for a time, and I let him stew in his thoughts.
"…You stated in our first meeting that Hollow masks are formed from their lost hearts, that they are not without hearts, they only require assistance finding them. Are you proposing that, to unlock this proposed 'correct' Segunda Etapa, the Arrancar must find their lost heart?" There was a gentle pop as I pulled the bottle from my lips.
"The nature of a Hollow's existence is the fruitless struggle to fill a void that never seems to grow smaller. Often, they'll find something superficial that grants them temporary happiness, and grow addicted to it like a drug. Battle maniacs, because the adrenaline and rhythm of a fight is an easy way to make you forget something is missing. Lustful perverts, because sex demands company, and it's hard to feel alone when you have someone right there. Power hoarders, under the belief that 'enough' power will make you stronger than the emptiness. I could go on all day. Does it not make sense that the completion of any Hollow's journey is to finally fill that void?" Turquoise eyes cast out over the sands.
"…And if one does not desire to fill that void? What is the end of their journey then?"
"It doesn't change." Was my responsive hum. "It just means that rather than realizing what you're doing isn't going to fill it, your journey is to stop avoiding it."
"Is it avoidance if I'd rather be consumed by it? Embrace nothingness, leave this cycle of reincarnation and simply cease to be?" Were it anyone else saying that, I'd have been very worried, but thanks to having clashed blades with him before, I understood the core of his words.
"It's not avoidance of the emptiness, it's avoidance of the reason why you prefer it. In another time, you and I fought. Where we are now is where our last fight occurred, actually." I paused so that he could blink and glance around the space in inquiry. "I've always been able to feel the emotions of another when my blade meets theirs. The first few times we fought, I was rather disturbed by the fact that you were the one exception. I understand now that had been because I was too weak. The gap between us was so great you weren't invested in any of our fights before our last. Further, what really caught your attention was my own seemingly misplaced determination. You just couldn't understand why I kept coming at you despite losing disastrously every time." Slitted eyes were silently locked onto me, fully focused on my words. "Once I was finally able to feel your emotions, that's when I figured it out. You felt spurred by your own emotions. I can only speak of what I felt through your blade, but it was like you felt betrayed by your own feelings, that you felt relief when you just stopped caring. It felt like you couldn't understand why everyone else didn't abandon their emotions, rescue themselves from whatever pain you felt." His eyes were unmoving from my form, almost as if he were trying to discover a hint of lying.
"My earliest memories are as a Vasto Lorde." He explained. "I possess no recollection of anything before waking in the Pit. It is a hole of pure darkness, and the Hollows that reside within it are equally pitch black. I alone was different. I alone was pure white. I also possessed no mouth, unlike any other Hollow. It was of no detriment to me, but the focus here is that it only heightened my strangeness. They strayed from me, as far as they could. I could do nothing but lament my appearance, for such stark difference was the cause for the isolation. Realizing my own unwantedness, I left the Pit to wander the sands. Eventually, I came across a tree made of sharp spines. As soon as I saw it, I longed for its existence. To not be accepted nor rejected, to not be in search of purpose nor strive for it, to simply be without interference, or being interfered with. That was where Aizen found me, and recruited me with the promise that I was to do what I was instructed, and nothing more or less." That made a lot of sense. I nodded in support.
"That'll do it. To not feel anything, to not have goals, to not possess anything that could fail you must've been your response to being rejected so thoroughly." As I tossed that thought around in my head more, I hummed in realization. "Explains why you got so pissed when I suggested that the gap between us was smaller was because you were becoming more human. And why you seemed so determined to make us realize there was no point in holding out hope or fighting battles we couldn't win."
"In my experience, it is better to base your expectations on hard evidence. That has the least likelihood of failing you."
"Yup." I agreed. "Until the teenage Shinigami whose heart you just incinerated with a Cero Oscuras comes back from the dead as a Vasto Lorde-class Hollow that's an order of magnitude more powerful than you." I finished with a swig of sake.
"You have informed us that you are the exception, not the norm."
"Yeah, but as long as I'm around, there is no norm." His eyes narrowed, but he offered no counterargument.
"What do you propose, then, for my Segunda Etapa?"
"Well, my best guess? The one you have right now is because you at least think you have a solution to your Hollow emptiness. It's a reflection of the concept of becoming one with the emptiness rather than filling it. It's still sort of tackling the idea, so you just get a power boost and a transformation. My proposal? Stop avoiding your emotions. It's just how the world works to have those emotions be tested again and again. The only way to have them be infallible is to practice, and have company. Friends go a long way for emotional and mental stability." Cerulean eyes stared at me blankly, no discernible emotions within them. Then, he released a heavy sigh.
His left hand reached out and pulled a bottle from the pack.
"You said earlier Shakespeare is your favorite playwright. Am I correct in assuming you have read Othello?" Ulquiorra asked as he opened the sake.
"Yup."
"I'd like to talk about that now, if you don't mind." He announced before taking a cautious sip.
"Ooh, good pick." I grinned.
Life seemed to finally be looking up for Hanataro Yamada, and he could attribute a lot of it to Ichigo Kurosaki. Especially since the time traveler became a War Preparation Leader and practically turned everyone's training upside down, for the better. The efficiency of Squad 4 has been through the roof, thanks to their daily quotas now including an hour (if possible) spent studying Living World medicine. It's allowed for unparalleled advancements in Kaido, as well as immense improvements in quality and speed of treatments without. One of the best inclusions for everyone's training was the demand that all Shinigami was to spend no less than ten minutes each day in jinzen. The Captains have worked with that so that entire Squads would group up in Sparring Areas to perform jinzen amongst the rest of the Squad. Along with making everyone in the Gotei 13 more in tune with their zanpakuto, it's reduced tension across the board. Hanataro has never seen Squad 11 be so agreeable before! He even saw Kuchiki-taicho give a small smile to the Shinigami that performed his yearly check up! Along with all that, though, there was one recent addition that had become the big craze overnight.
Published by the Seireitei Bulletin, was the hit podcast, The Afterlife is Bullshit. According to Lieutenant Hisagi, Ichigo agreed to record himself talking about his life experiences for them to publish under the Seireitei Bulletin name. Hisagi also confirmed that Ichigo was receiving 35% of the profits, which at least made Hanataro feel better. The past few weeks, they've been updating the Seireitei Bulletin app every Thursday night with a new hour-long episode. Anyone who is up to date on their subscription to the Bulletin gets to listen to the newest episode without any hassle!
It's become such a craze, listening to the utterly insane events of Ichigo's life, that most Squads unofficially started meeting up to listen to the episodes together when they came out. In Squad 4, that translated to congregating in the Common Rooms, several of the Officers pitching in to buy a speaker for each room from Squad 12. They rotated out which groups turn it was to provide snacks and drinks, turning it into a great team-building exercise since they almost all brought their books from the Living World to study while the episode played.
"I'm not late, am I?" He begged as he jogged into one of the Common Rooms, his study book and notebook in hand. "My shift finished late, so I had to rush back for my study materials!"
"You're just in time, Yamada-san!" Isane announced. "Iemura-san was just about to start!" A smile rose onto his face and he immediately found an open space on the floor where he could lean back against the side of a couch. The room was filled to the brim, just like he was certain the other four Common Rooms were.
"Hey, Yamada-san, could you help me with musculoskeletal diseases after the episode?" The Shinigami sitting on the couch he was leaning against asked.
"Oh, yeah, of course! Could you help me with cancers after?"
"Sure! I know you've been having problems understanding it."
"Thanks! I really appreciate it!" As soon as they finished their quick exchange, the speaker blared to life to play the episode, instantly capturing everyone's attention.
"Hello, Gotei 13, and welcome to Episode 5 of The Afterlife is Bullshit." The familiar tone of Ichigo's voice sounded.
"Kurosaki, I'm getting tired of asking. What am I doing here?" While confusion appeared in most of the Squad members, Hanataro was almost certain he remembered who that voice belonged to.
"As I was saying, you already know it's me, Ichigo Kurosaki, narrating all this, but today I have a guest with me. I've invited my friend, the Last Quincy, Uryu Ishida, to take part in this episode."
"Did you drag me in here to be part of a podcast? Are you serious?" The Quincy sounded deeply annoyed.
"Hey, I've heard of other people having guests on stuff like this, so I figured I might as well take advantage while I'm still at a point where people can corroborate on the shit I'm saying."
"What are you talking about? What even is the purpose of this podcast?"
"Well, if you'd stop being so pestering and let me finish the intro, you wouldn't be so in the dark, ya four-eyed moron."
"Really? You're an almost 27-year-old war veteran and you're still using childish insults like 'four-eyes?'"
"Suck an egg, Uryu. This podcast is me basically describing my life story on camera so the Gotei 13 can understand where I'm coming from. From what I've been told, they've done a lot to make people less nervous around me."
"That…sounds very generous of you."
"I didn't just come back to prevent casualties. I want to make things better."
"I can see that. I also understand why you've specified that you're at a point where others can corroborate with you."
"Yup. In particular, today's episode has us going over our Hollow Slaying Contest!" There was malicious joy in the hybrid's tone.
"Oh, god, I thought you would forget about that."
"It was my first encounter with a Menos, how could I forget about it?"
"Because it was incredibly embarrassing for me! This doesn't need to be televised to some random Shinigami in the Seireitei!"
"Joke's on you, Shuhei's told me that over 83% of Shinigami buy the Bulletin! And that everyone groups up just to listen to it!"
"THIS DOESN'T NEED TO BE TELEVISED TO THE ENTIRE GOTEI 13!" Snickering echoed through the room at the bickering on display.
"You can either be part of it to prevent as much damage as possible, or leave and allow me full power to run your name through the dirt." The smirk in Ichigo's voice was palpable. "You can't even justify me leaving this out, because there's actual important shit in it."
"Damn you, you aren't allowed to be right."
"Oh, I think I am. Our latest rankings proved that quite nicely." There was the distinct sound of a hand slamming onto the desk.
"YOU CHEATED KNOWING THAT I COULDN'T ARGUE AGAINST IT WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE I WAS INSANE!"
"You have no proof!" The orange-haired man cackled. "For all you know, I ranked higher than you completely by my own merit!"
"THE NATURE OF YOU PHRASING THAT AS A HYPOTHETICAL IS ALL THE PROOF I NEED! YOU ABUSED YOUR KNOWLEDGE FROM THE FUTURE TO JUST PUT THE RIGHT ANSWERS ON THE TESTS WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING WHAT THE QUESTIONS WERE!"
"Well, that's just an exaggeration."
"Yoruichi-san has to get you to pay attention in class at least twice a day!"
"That doesn't mean I don't study at home!"
"Most of your afternoons are working on your Gotei paperwork while Zangetsu does your homework! I've been there to see it!"
"Hey, Zangetsu and I are the same person, there's no difference."
"I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO ARGUE THE CONTRARY!"
"Topic for another time, we're straying, and Shuhei and I agreed to keep these an hour long."
"Know that I will ensure we return to this later."
"Uh huh. So, this whole bullshit started because Uryu had the biggest hate boner for Shinigami."
"I protest against use of the phrase 'hate boner.'"
"So, he had the biggest hate boner. He had a good reason, there's no arguing that! See, contrary to what I'm sure most of you assume, Uryu actually had no issues with the Shinigami having exterminated most of the Quincy." There was a beat of silence, before the glasses-wearing man seemed to realize he was being offered the chance to provide his own input.
"Yes. All Quincies are aware that their Heilig Pfeils erase Hollows rather than purify them. Hollows do not generally appear in abundance, and I am aware there are Shinigami deployed to the World of the Living to patrol for Hollows. There is no issue with the occasional Quincy killing a Hollow in self-defense, but my ancestors very much went out of line, attempting to eradicate the Hollow species. I have been told by my own family that the Shinigami went to my ancestors to inform them that they were disturbing the balance of the worlds, and to cease in their quest so that the worlds do not collapse. After the Quincy did not listen, the Shinigami slaughtered them in turn. I am in agreement with such actions."
"To summarize, Uryu gets why the Shinigami had no other choice but to reduce the Quincy population. There was no negative feelings there. To be as blunt as possible, the entire issue he had with Shinigami was because of Kurotsuchi."
"Quite." Distaste and gently boiling rage dressed the Quincy's tone. "It makes far more sense in hindsight with the knowledge I have now, but at the time I was filled with unceasing hatred for all Shinigami. My grandfather, Soken Ishida, was killed in a Hollow attack, Shinigami only arriving to slay the Hollows after he had died. For a good time, I attributed it to Shinigami being lazy in their duties, never being around when needed to do their jobs. While I was aware of the repercussions of my actions, I felt the safety of the living could not be trusted to people who would arrive too late to do anything. Then, during our invasion to rescue Kuchiki-san, I encountered Kurotsuchi-taicho."
"See, the reason why Uryu's grandpa died in a Hollow attack? It was because Kurotsuchi ordered the Shinigami to hold off until he was dead." All pleasantries were gone from Ichigo's words. "He knew he could confiscate Soken's body without any struggle to perform experimentations if the man wasn't alive to fight back. I'm sure there aren't many of you listening that are surprised by this." There was an uneasy sense of agreement weighing over the room. No one could argue that actions of that nature were perfectly in line with the scientist's (lack of) morals. "Sorry to put the mood down for a bit, I didn't want any of you to think Uryu was being an asshole for all of this. He was just being a teenager with no understanding of consequences."
"I resent that."
"I'm not wrong." Ichigo smirked. There was a beat where neither spoke, though Hanataro could've sworn he heard something metallic being adjusted.
"I refuse to dignify that with an answer."
"So, for understandable reasons, he had the biggest hate boner." Ichigo continued. An annoyed sigh sounded in the background of the video. "And so he wanted to get definitive proof that Shinigami were lazy about their duties, not that I ever should be the example used either or against. Thing was, since Rukia was technically the deployed Shinigami, and her powers were being used by me at the time, Uryu had to declare his challenge to me."
"Out of curiosity, what do you think would've happened had Rukia been the one in possession of her powers at the time?"
"Everything would have definitely been worse, and the Menos probably would have killed a lot of people before Kisuke or Yoruichi would have been forced to handle it. But before we go too far down that track, we need to explain what Uryu's challenge was."
"It was intended to be a simple Hollow Slaying Contest of moderate difficulty. The Hollows weren't intended to be able to appear at any rate we could not keep up with, but just enough that it would clearly show which of us two would start lagging behind. While I did not expect whatever Shinigami I challenged to be the victor of the contest, I was prepared to respectfully acknowledge their capability at performing their duty if that occurred."
"Wait, you never acknowledged I was good at my job."
"That's because you were a loudmouthed hothead whose primary strategy was 'hit it 'til it died.'" A round of giggling sounded through the Common Room.
"Hey, I take offence to that! 'Hit it 'til it dies' is a fantastic strategy, that I still use! I happen to be a master of it, in fact." The giggling grew in intensity.
"I much appreciated not knowing that information, thank you very much."
"You're just mad that it works."
"You're one of the few people that can actually pull it off, you prove nothing."
"Aw, so you do care. But! Back on subject, as Uryu said, the Hollow Bait he had prepared for the contest was supposed to be a low-level one. Maybe draw in a pool of thirty or so Hollows at best. But, there was a little wrench in the works that none of us knew about. Shuhei told me you guys have actually loved this, so say it with me: it was time for-"
"AIZEN SHENANIGANS!" The cry sounded from all corners of the Seireitei.
"I'm sorry, what was that? Why did you shout that?" Uryu asked confusedly.
"So much bullshit that we had to deal with was shit Aizen tinkered with, and whenever I've pointed out when shit became fucked because of him, I generally referred to it as 'Aizen Shenanigans.' Apparently people have loved it so much that they shout it out when they realize I'm setting it up, so I started leaning into it. Back on it though, what we didn't know was that, at around the same time Uryu broke his Hollow Bait, Aizen got one of his lackeys to break their own Hollow Bait, of much higher potency."
"That's what happened?!"
"Have you spent this entire time seriously thinking your Hollow Bait was just randomly ridiculously powerful?!"
"…No comment."
"You fucking dumbass." Ichigo laughed. "So, not only do we have two Hollow Baits active, but one is just about the highest grade you could find. At the very least, my unchecked reiatsu is such a beacon that we're successfully able to corral most of them in an empty park, and I found out later that Kisuke dealt with the stragglers. What was good was that just about all of them were low-level Hollows. It didn't take much to kill each individually, the issue mostly stemmed from the fact that there was almost a hundred of them. Then the fucking sky split open."
"Yeah." Uryu supported, almost as if he was still mentally reeling from the event. "Yeah, that's what happened."
"Now, remember: because I wasn't supposed to be a Shinigami this long, and because Menos Fucking Grande aren't exactly a daily occurrence, Rukia had not informed me that they even existed. So Uryu and I are standing there, seeing even the Hollows have stopped for a moment, watching this giant walking skyscraper in a coat come out of a rip in the sky. And my first thought was 'I'mma kill it.'"
"THAT WAS YOUR FIRST THOUGHT?!" Uryu was very much the voice of the Gotei in that moment, most of them flabbergasted by the very thought. No one needed to wonder about Squad 11's thoughts, their uproars of approval echoing in the air from wherever they were listening.
"Well, the thing had to die somehow, and there was no way in shit that rinky-dink bow you had was gonna do it in."
"It almost did!"
"No, what you had to do was help me vent out the reiatsu after I ate it's fucking Cero. But we're getting ahead of ourselves. I stop for a moment only because I know the other Hollows are still right in front of us, and I was about to figure out which was the higher priority to take out. Only for Kisuke to come in with everybody in his shop, saying that they'll take the small fry and that I had the full freedom to take on the Menos myself. So I did. As you all know, I didn't know how to solidify reiatsu under my feet by this point in time. I knew it was gonna be a problem hitting it's mask. So I figured I would do what any reasonable person would do."
"Nothing about your initial plan was what a reasonable person would do."
"Shut up, the grown up is talking."
"Excuse me?!"
"Because it seemed obvious to me, I figured that, if I couldn't get up to its face, I'd bring its face down to me. And the most reasonable method of doing that, was obviously chopping that motherfucker down like a tower of blocks." One of the Shinigami in the Common Room with Hanataro audibly spit out their drink. "In terms of how successful that was?"
"He got kicked like a playground ball as soon as he got close." There was a distinctly smug tone in Uryu's voice.
"Not even sure that's what happened, to be honest. I'm half sure it was just trying to take a step forward at the same time I jumped at it."
"Either way, that's when I intervened. It was clear neither of us could defeat the Menos on our own-"
"-Even though that's exactly what happened."
"…So I went to pull him back so we could plan. However, as soon as I touched him, I saw that his perpetually leaking reiatsu was so immense that it supercharged my bow."
"Which lead to the award-worthy strategy of Tying My Zanpakuto To His Fucking Head." Laughter filled the air of the Seireitei.
"It was the least awkward way of doing that!"
"Or we could've, y'know, just not done that!" Ichigo argued back. "Like what happened? I was protesting the entire time, because it was ridiculously stupid, and you all heard my first idea. And while we were arguing about how dumb it was I saw that the Menos started charging a Cero. So, because I am a genius, I figured: 'I'll just block it.'"
"You have no grounds to criticize my strategies when you come up with things like that."
"It worked!"
"The Super-Bow was just as likely to succeed!"
"Stop trying to defend it!"
"You're the one that gave me the option to try, I'm damn well going to try!"
"Well, unlike his dumbass 'Super-Bow', I just waited until the thing was aiming at me and brought up my sword to block it. And, I'll admit, I still don't actually understand how it happened-"
"-You're defending a strategy you don't even understand!"
"Shush, Teenager."
"Teen-" The Quincy seethed, which gave Ichigo the opportunity to continue.
"So, somehow, while the Cero was against my blade, I absorbed the damn thing. With the excess reiatsu filling my body, I really wasn't doing so hot, so I just acted on instinct, and subconsciously released my first Getsuga Tensho. It went…most of the way through the Menos? It didn't die, that's for sure, but it was wounded heavily enough that it immediately checked out through a Garganta. And since Kisuke had dealt with the last of the small fry, that meant our only leftover concern was that I was being burned alive from the inside out."
"Which wouldn't have been a problem if we had used the Super-Bow."
"You're really going to defend that, huh."
"To my dying breath."
"Fine, then I'll say it: So, the last problem we had to solve was the fact that I had absorbed a shit ton of reiatsu and it was too much for my body to accommodate for all at once. A problem Uryu solved while almost breaking his fingers with how much strain it put on him."
"You're goddamn right, be grateful."
"Eh, I would have bullshit something and been fine." The hybrid paused for a moment so Uryu's snarl was heard, before continuing. "What Uryu did was literally just slam a foot down so that he was touching the blade of my zanpakuto, aim towards the sky while my reiatsu was being funneled into his bow, and release shot after shot for almost an hour in order to siphon enough reiatsu that I was no longer in danger."
"Speaking of which."
"Oh, shit, we're almost out of time. Well, that's just about it, anyway. Since we explained why Uryu wasn't being an asshole first, we didn't have to go over our talk while fighting Hollows that got us to team up in the first place. He explained why he hated Shinigami, I told him some nonsense about how we shouldn't let our grudges define us, yada yada we stopped trying to murder each other. So that was Episode 5 of The Afterlife is Bullshit! Get excited about the next one, I'll have Chad and Orihime on while we talk about their Fullbring awakenings. How was being my first guest, Uryu?"
"I hate you." Ichigo's laughter was the last sound produced by the speaker.
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Book: No Good Man by Grimlock Bragi on Amazon
Next Chapter: Crowning the King