Chapter Three

Year Three

"You've been stressed out lately? Yeah, me too."

-Taylor Swift

THE last few days before the full moon were always the most unbearable.

The first day usually brought with it a mild headache; Remus would notice his eyes grow tired far faster than usual. The body aches would follow soon after, his muscles feeling as if they were being pulled until they would snap like a rubber band. Then, the heightened senses. Smells became too pungent, noises far too loud, lights became too bright. Textures he usually enjoyed suddenly felt disgusting, making his skin crawl. His whole body would itch.

But the migraines. The migraines were the most unbearable part. It would usually set in the last few days, always without warning. The blind spots would appear, his vision going blurry as the pulsating pain throbbed in his head. It would stay that way for days. Each noise, every light would cause his head to spin. James and Sirius had to help him back to the dormitories when the dizzy spells would hit. One of his mates supported him when he would have to stop due to the spinning, helping him to the ground so he could tuck his head between his knees until it stopped. He had been terrified when they found out, but now, he couldn't imagine bearing the full moon alone again. He had made them swear not to tell Lenora. He had finally started to like the way she looked at him.

Classes were especially more difficult. Remus couldn't stand the sound of the professors' voices, of quills scratching against parchment. His head pounded as he listened to Binns drone on about witch hunts, drawing comparisons between the various European witch burnings to the ones in America in his painfully monotone drawl. He really didn't give a fuck, finding the content far less interesting than he had the week before. Clawing his own eyes out sounded far less excruciating than this. Somewhere behind him, someone drummed their fingers against their desk. He felt each tap echo in his head, the sound enough to make him want to launch a chair across the room. He wanted to go back to his dormitory, pull the curtains on his bed and sleep.

"Remmy?"

Lenora's voice pulled him from his pain-induced haze, the nickname she only called him said in a whisper. He had thwacked Sirius upside the head the first time he had attempted to call him the same name. But when she said it, he happily answered.

He looked over at her and rubbed his face, hoping that he could massage some of the discomfort away. Her whisper felt entirely too loud; the collection of whispered voices of students working together were like nails on a chalkboard. His skin crawled. He clenched his jaw, turning his attention to Lenora, who held the worksheet Binns had deposited on their desks out to him.

She pointed to the first question, a sheepish smile on her face. History of Magic was her worst class. She struggled to memorize dates and facts, the information swimming aimlessly in her mind. She relied heavily on his help to connect the information, Remus helping her both in class and when they studied together. He usually didn't mind. Yet, today, the helpless look on her face set his teeth on edge.

"I can't remember anything from the lecture on the Salem trials last week. Help me out?"

"For fuck's sake, Nora," he growled, snatching the parchment from her hands, "Are you really so incapable of doing it on your own?"

Lenora flinched at the harsh tone. Remus felt like he had been kicked in the stomach when he saw the frightened look on her face when she recoiled slightly. Hurt and confusion clouded her silver eyes.

"Sorry," she whispered quickly, biting a thumbnail and leaning over her own worksheet silently.

"Fuck, Nora," he mumbled, feeling his ears grow hot, "I'm sorry. I didn't-."

"No," she stopped him, her polite smile not reaching her watery eyes, "No, you're right. I'll figure it out."

Remus closed his mouth, looking away from her tear pricked eyes. He hadn't meant to snap at her. He went to apologize again, he knew how much she hated raised voices and unkind tones. But when he leaned over and saw the few wet spots of her parchment, he couldn't quite get the words out. Instead, he turned to his own worksheet. They worked in silence for the rest of the class. Remus watched her right hand clench and unclench on the desk as she wrote, his stomach twisting when her pointer finger began to claw her thumb's nail bed.

The period passed, neither speaking. Remus was no longer sure if the sick feeling in his stomach had anything to do with the oncoming full moon. Binns floated through the room, Remus scribbling down the homework assignment that the ghost called out. He could feel Lenora's eyes on him.

Binns hadn't even finished dismissing the class before Remus had gathered his books and left the room. She didn't get the chance to ask if he was alright.

Lenora sat before the fireplace of the Gryffindor common room later that evening, the flames warming her back as she leaned over her Charms book. James and Sirius sat in the armchairs with their own, both groaning and grumbling about the essay Flitwick had assigned and how it interfered with their quidditch schedule. Lenora rolled her eyes and reached for the crumpled ball of parchment that sat beside her. She hucked it at Sirius, "Neither of you are going to have quidditch to worry about if you can't make grades! Now, shut up and focus."

Sirius and James grumbled under their breath, returning their attention to their textbooks. The three sat in silence as they read, scrapping quills and turning pages mingling with the sounds of the fire. Lenora's eyes strayed from her studies when she heard the steps leading to the boy's dormitories creak. Remus stood on the bottom step, dressed in a thick sweater. Dark bags ringed his tired eyes, hair hanging in his face, his already pale skin draining further when his eyes locked on her. She offered him a gentle smile, concern bubbling in her belly at the sight of him.

"Hi, Remmy," she said softly, "Join us?"

Remus didn't say anything, his eyes just flitted between the raven-haired girl and his friends. He shook his head, stepping back up the stairs. Lenora's smile sank, calling after him, "Goodnight."

She turned back to her brother and Sirius, both of whom were suddenly very interested in their textbooks, so much so that they wouldn't meet her eye.

"Is he sick again?"

James and Sirius shared a quick look before speaking, which Lenora found peculiar.

"He has a migraine," James said simply. He said it so quickly that it felt rehearsed to Lenora. "You know how he gets."

"Does he need to go to the hospital wing? He seems very uncomfortable. He snapped at me earlier in class."

"No," Sirius said quickly, Lenora raising a confused eyebrow at the way he spit out his words. Sirius swallowed, putting on a casual mask to disguise his hasty response. "No, he'll be fine. He just needs to sleep it off. Don't take it too personally, he's a prick to all of us when he has one."

Lenora watched her brother's eyes snap back to his textbook, he and James falling silent. She hesitantly returned to her studying, accepting Sirius's reasoning with trepidation. She couldn't quite place her finger on why, but their answers always felt like half truths. Remus seemed to get sick monthly; migraines, colds, the flu… He would be confined to his dormitory for a few days, then reappear healthy. He seemed to have inherited it from his mother, who was always ill; Remus would go home once a month to see her. She shrugged it off, tossing another ball of parchment at James when he attempted to talk about formations for the upcoming match.

Remus leaned his head against the back of the armchair, rubbing his eyes. His head still pounded, far worse than it did the day before. The low light of the library was even too bright, Remus having found the darkest corner he could and settling into it. Only two more days of agony, he told himself.

Students had left the castle earlier that morning for Hogsmeade, which meant that Remus had a few interrupted hours of silence. His friends had left without him, Remus still asleep when James had poked his head into the curtains of his four-poster to ask if he wanted to join them. He had only shaken his head, pulling his pillow over his head to block out the light James had let in. His friend had just nodded understandingly and pulled the curtains shut again.

He had decided to walk to the library when he simply couldn't sleep anymore. He knew it would be empty on a Saturday, especially with everyone gone into the village on the snowy November day. He didn't look forward to the snowy weekends like his peers; it only meant that the shack would be even colder.

Mum had written that week, sending a new blanket she had knit him to replace the one that didn't make it through the last full moon and a thick striped sweater. I'ch cadw'n gynnes. Rwy'n dy garu di, bachgen melys, her note had read.

He had tucked it under his pillow that night, Hope Lupin's floral perfume still lingering on the card. She would send muggle greeting cards in the days leading up to the full moon, picking ones with cartoons and little jokes. She knew he liked the ones with Snoopy and Woodstock the best. He kept an old shoebox of them under his bed and would read through her words of love and encouragement on the especially hard days.

The sound of approaching footsteps pricked his ears, Remus groaning softly.

"James, mate, I told you I'm not going," he called out, expecting his friend to round the corner into his hiding space.

When his friend didn't respond, Remus looked up. Lenora stepped around the corner wordlessly, dressed in her brown and green jumper and leggings. Her knapsack was slung over her shoulder, her wild ponytail swishing as she walked towards him. Remus's breath caught, he hadn't seen her since the night before in the common room. He wasn't sure what to say to her as he regarded her neutral expression, her slippered footsteps muffled against the library floors.

Lenora didn't say a word as she approached him. Remus watched her nervously, having expected her to have gone to the village with James and Remus. The way he had spoken to her the day before still filled him with shame. He hated how he spoke to his friends in the days leading up to the full moon, and hated even more that he had allowed himself to speak to her that way.

He wasn't quite sure why he felt so poorly; he had spoken to his mates even more aggressively. But something about the hurt in her silver eyes made him feel even more like a monster than he usually did. He felt the same way he had the first time he had shouted at Mum in the days leading up to a full moon; the same hurt flashing in her eyes that had flashed in Lenora's. Mum had pulled him into one of her tight hugs when he had started to cry, kissed his head, and tucked him into bed. He wished she was here.

"Nora," he said softly, searching for the words to explain himself.

She didn't respond. She stayed silent as she dropped her bag onto the floor beside the chair next to him, kicking off her slippers and tucking her socked feet under her as she sat in the armchair. She knew that talking would only hurt his head more. She reached into her bag, scooping out a rather large paper bag of candies and chocolates from Honeydukes. She plopped the bag onto the small table between them, Remus watching her as she reached into the bag again, removing her own book. She offered him a soft smile, popping a sweet into her mouth without a word. She leaned back into her armchair, cracking open her book and removing the length of green ribbon she used as a bookmark. She plucked a chocolate wrapped in blue foil off of the table, and tossed it into his lap. His favorite chocolate landed on his opened book, Remus picking it up and returning her smile over her book. Her eyes found her spot on the page when she heard the wrapper crinkle, Remus settling back into his armchair.

He returned to his book, a muggle tale of hobbits and wizards and friends, thankful for the company.