A Needle Away

by Lebeauf

A needle too far, a needle too close. The distance hedgehogs have to find. NGE, post magma diver. Fully revised.

19. Unimportant things

Shinji was always a shallow sleeper.

It was not uncommon for him to wake up at the slightest sound or stimulus, even in the middle of a deep sleep. And it was a rare thing for him to be unaware of someone entering his sleeping space while he slept. He never knew why. Maybe he was just naturally sensitive, or maybe his body was so accustomed to the dead quiet of his teacher's house that it overreacted to anything louder than that. Or maybe the quality of his sleep was chronically poor, and he wasn't really sleeping deeply ever. Anyway, since it was a regular thing that happened all the time, Shinji was not really surprised after waking up in the darkness and silence of his room. Instead, he reflexively looked around for the culprit.

The 'search' took only a fraction of a second. Because the alien presence that shouldn't have been in this room was now lying in his bed, asserting itself with its smell, weight, and heat.

Shinji didn't mind the first two, but the last one was a bit too much. His room, with no air conditioning or even a window, sometimes got uncomfortable for him to sleep in all on his own. Another warm body just made things worse. So Shinji gingerly pushed himself up. Asuka mumbled something unintelligible, her arms sliding gently away from him. He found it kind of cute, so he smiled and stroked her hair a little, careful not to wake her up.

The room must have been hot for Asuka too. She must have sweated a bit, since her scent wafted faintly in the warm, damp air between them. It wasn't unpleasant or particularly overpowering. He didn't mind it much yesterday night either, when it was much stronger than it was now. Asuka's scent, like its owner's heart, was an almost imperceptible undertone, masked by the sweet, artificial smells of shampoo and body wash. Something you could easily miss if you weren't paying attention.

Smiling helplessly at his own thoughts, Shinji looked down at Asuka. His pain. His joy. The same tranquil face he'd seen in the lounge that morning, so peaceful and guileless that it was hard to find any trace of savage storms. She was lying next to him now as if the past few days had not happened at all. Suddenly, sharply, Shinji wished that all the nonsense like school, Evangelion, and Angels would fade away, so that this languid, painkiller-ridden, hazy dawn would go on forever, and he would never have to give up the warmth and smell of the girl next to him.

But he knew such a thing was impossible. Morning would come and sweep it away under a tide of alarms and breakfasts and calls to hurry up. And…

How long could this peace last? As soon as he asked himself the question, the answer came to him immediately. Until the next sync test?

All the pleasant feelings washed away in an instant, replaced by a suffocating sensation he had almost forgotten. The thought that had flashed through his mind last night as he dozed off between the cool lake breeze and Asuka's fiery body resurfaced. Nothing had been resolved between her and him. It was just forgotten in last night's whirlwind of unanticipated chaos. The bomb's detonator was still intact, still threatening them and their relationship. Catastrophe, suspended for a moment.

And Shinji didn't know what to do when that bomb finally went off once more.

I don't want to fight again. I don't want to do that whole thing again.

He was never comfortable at the height of their cold war, but now that he was surrounded by her warmth again, the idea of losing it and going back to the way things were felt like the last thing he wanted to do. He didn't want to go back to avoiding each other's eyes and never talking when this was the alternative. It was only a few days, objectively, but the stress and pressure Shinji felt from that period made it feel like almost a month.

But how?

Should he ask Ms. Ritsuko and Ms. Misato to put Asuka first in all situations from now on, and not to offend her unnecessarily like what happened yesterday? To be honest, yesterday was a surprise for Shinji, too. He didn't expect Ms. Ritsuko of all people to throw fuel on the fire that was his and Asuka's recent fight. Shinji did not appreciate that, and honestly hoped that such a thing would never happen again. But it was stupid, to say the least, for him to request something like that of them. And it didn't seem like something Asuka would appreciate either.

Then what, would he have to lose to Asuka every time there was a synchronization test? He didn't even know why his sync rate took off in the first place. It wasn't like a school test where you could deliberately pick the wrong answers. He couldn't lower his sync rate even if he wanted to.

And, feasibility aside, was it right? Was it something he wanted to do?

His intuition and emotions were giving him a very immediate and strong no. It wasn't right. It didn't make sense to him to consciously give in and give up to Asuka in something like this. He was not her subordinate or anything like that.

It was the voice of reason in his mind that made Shinji hesitate.

It's not like Eva's that important to you. You were scared and only started doing this because your father forced you. Why obsess over being good at something you don't even like? What's the point? Why does it even matter to you?

Those words sounded right. Their logic was flawless. But they felt terribly wrong. He grimaced.

Piloting Eva, fighting Angels, all of it, you told her you're doing all that just for her. You made such a big deal about it. Was that a lie, too? Do you think it makes sense to make her suffer for things you're supposedly doing for her?

The thought stung. Shinji squeezed his eyes shut.

No matter how he tried to spin it, it wasn't his fault. The specifics of Asuka's feelings did not matter. She had no reason to feel that way, and she had no reason to act the way she'd been either. This whole thing was Asuka being unreasonable, and Shinji couldn't understand it.

Did you try to understand her, though?

Shinji's eyes snapped open. The sight of Asuka's peaceful face as she slept, breathing softly through her slightly open mouth, was almost enough to make him feel a little better. Almost. A resentment he had nearly forgotten in the heat of passion threatened to boil over again.

Why is it always me? Why do I have to be the one to understand and make concessions every time? Why does everything have to go the way Asuka wants? Why does she never do the same for me?

Shinji's mind came up with the answer much faster than he thought possible. It was as if it had been waiting for this very question.

No, she's already giving you enough. The hugs, the kisses, lying next to you like this, the whole relationship, it's all a big concession on her part. You enjoy all of these things only because she's willing to give them to you. You should really be grateful. You should know who's at a disadvantage in this relationship.

Feelings of inferiority and defeat were something familiar to Shinji, but having a girl he liked at the center of them was something he'd never experienced before. It made things substantially worse than usual.

Does she not like me as much as I like her? Am I being desperate? Does she do what she does because she didn't put her heart into this relationship the way I did?

But that didn't seem right. Not just in Shinji's wistful thoughts but also from an objective point of view. Shinji thought of the face he'd seen yesterday. A side of her he'd never seen or imagined. Her face contorted in pain, in tears. All of it because she thought she'd lost him. It was something that couldn't happen if Shinji was not dear to her.

Yeah, maybe you're right, but that's the extent of it. You're still not important enough for her to compromise for. She probably likes you, but there's limits to it.

That seemed to freeze Shinji's tentatively-warming heart. Everything was brought back to square one.

So, what would happen if I jumped on her like I did back then?

Fascinated by the sudden thought, Shinji glanced over at Asuka. The girl had burst into his room last night when Shinji, freshly washed and thoroughly tired, was about to fall asleep. Her hair was loose, without the neural clips that usually adorned it. She was wearing a baggy t-shirt that stopped almost halfway down her thighs. Shinji had seen much more of her lately, but that didn't make the sight any less arousing.

But the feeling behind the impulse was not simple carnal desire. Well, not completely.

What Shinji really desired was the end of the torturous uncertainty and frustration that had been plaguing them. He wanted all of it to go away. And when he thought about it, when they were engulfed in the heat and feelings of each other's bodies, groping and tasting, there were no doubts, no insecurities. All of those unpleasant things were burned away in the scalding flames of raw, honest desire.

Shinji now understood why Asuka kept pushing this issue non-stop.

Asuka was smart. Smart enough to realize that, from the start, there would be communication issues between them. She probably wanted to make sure that everything was in place before they inevitably faced those hard issues. And if Shinji had gone along with what Asuka wanted, there might have been a simpler solution to the problems that had been bogging them down recently. Shinji was beginning to regret his past decisions.

But such a conclusion was short-lived. Doubt engulfed Shinji once again.

Is it really right? That we can't have the conversations we need to have and just touch each other instead? If Asuka and I did... that, and then another fight broke out afterwards, what would we do? What am I supposed to do with her then?

Shinji reached out and stroked Asuka's hair. Asuka did not respond. She was deeply asleep.

What was right and what was wrong? What was normal, and what was not? What should lovers compromise on, and what should they not? Were there an easy way out, or a simple guide, or something, anything, for all of these issues?

No one in Shinji's life had ever warned him about anything like this. There was no one to teach him. No one to even tell him problems like this existed. And it wasn't like he had any example to follow, or anyone to ask for guidance.

I wonder if this happened to Father. Between him and Mother.

The thought, popping up suddenly, made him strangely uncomfortable. More than it probably should. It was a little unpleasant, even, so he pushed it out of his mind and looked down at Asuka again.

Shinji leaned in, deciding that he could at least kiss her forehead even if he couldn't decide on anything more than that, when a familiar voice came from the doorway.

"Shinji."

Shinji froze at the sound of Ms. Misato's quiet voice. He thought he hadn't sensed anything, but on second thought it might have been her eyes, peeking through the slightly open doorway right now, that woke him up in the first place. A hand was raised right beneath her calm face, gesturing slightly. It took a few seconds for Shinji to realize what it meant and slid out of bed, cautiously so as to not wake Asuka up.

Ms. Misato turned and headed for the living room without another word. Shinji had to suppress his racing heart as he followed her through the hallway. Everything was gray, sunrise still a bit away.

Shinji and Asuka hadn't done anything wild yet, but they were the only ones who knew that. What Ms. Misato, who just found them in bed together, might think was a totally different story. Not to mention what kind of report the rescue team would have made yesterday after finding them by the lake, naked and cuddling together.

First school and now this. Would've been better if I had at least done the deed. Then my reputation would be deserved.

Shinji almost smiled at the thought, but at that moment Ms. Misato, arriving right in the middle of the living room, turned toward him. The half-formed smile was immediately wiped away from his lips. It was Ms. Misato, looking into Shinji's eyes, who smiled.

"Morning, Shinji. How are you feeling? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I can't move too much too quickly, though. Have to be careful. I'm on pain pills, too."

"How about school? Think you could do it?" Misato asked, then lifted her hand to check her wristwatch. "Or you want me to call the school later?"

Shinji kept his silence for a moment, just blinking. Skipping school and staying home. It was something he hadn't really thought about but that suddenly sounded pretty appealing. He had quite a legitimate excuse, too. But it would mean being away from Asuka, and Shinji was not willing to do that so soon after reconciling with her. Even if it was only for a few hours in the morning.

"I have a lot of subjects I haven't caught up on yet since the suspension. I think I should attend school if possible."

It was not a real reason, but it wasn't a lie, either, so it came out confident and calm, things usually absent when he lied. Even before the suspension, Shinji was far from an exemplary student. Now his report card was basically a pending disaster.

Misato gave a small nod, probably having no objections. Silence descended on the damp gray kitchen. Shinji wondered if that was all she really wanted to say right now, or if it was just a prelude to more uncomfortable topics. As far as Shinji was concerned, finding two kids in the same bed was definitely something that warranted a long, hard talk.

Or maybe she didn't know how to deal with this situation either. Her next words seem to confirm Shinji's suspicion.

"Come to think of it, it feels like that's all we talk about these days, huh. 'Are you hurt,' 'how are you feeling' and all that. I'm sorry every time."

Not really, Shinji thought. He heard about her father not too long ago, after all. But too many things had happened in the interval between then and now to give him a chance to reflect on the topic. He still wasn't sure how he should feel about it.

But it was also true that he had been getting injured a lot lately. It hadn't been this bad when he first started piloting Eva. So Shinji gave a small nod and smiled.

"Yeah, I guess."

Then Shinji wondered if he said something odd. Ms. Misato had ended her words with an apology, and it was probably strange to respond to that with agreement. For a moment he considered adding something like 'you don't have anything to be sorry about'. But Misato's next question caught him off-guard.

"What happened with Asuka? Can you tell me?"

It required a great amount of willpower not to blush or stutter. Shinji forced himself to swallow through a sudden lump in his throat.

"Nothing! We didn't do anything! We just slept together, that's all! She just barged into my room when I was trying to sleep, and just..."

Ms. Misato was silent, just looking at Shinji with a guarded face. "You can wake her up and ask her," Shinji added, squirming a little under the weight of her gaze.

He realized that was an odd thing to say, too. Maybe he was still groggy from the sleep and the painkillers, or something. If Ms. Misato did not believe him, why would she believe Asuka? But then again, Asuka, out of pride, wasn't going to lie about an issue like this, and both he and Misato knew it.

Instead of doing as he said, Ms. Misato stood still and kept looking at Shinji. As Shinji's face began to heat up, the corners of her mouth turned up in a wry smile.

"Of course you didn't. You're still kids. I wasn't asking about that."

For a moment, Shinji felt a pang of guilt. This felt like deceiving her, although technically it wasn't.

And then he was forced to swallow the question that had risen to the top of his throat: then what were you asking about?

Wildly fluctuating synchronization rates. The cold war that had been raging between the two of them for most of the last week. Yesterday. Misato had been pretty busy recently, but there was no way she hadn't noticed something was amiss. That was probably why she kept taking Asuka to HQ these past few days, wasn't it? But Shinji knew what she was asking for, and he didn't want to answer. He didn't even know how he would answer. He didn't understand half of what was going on between him and Asuka, and what he did understand were things he didn't dare tell Misato.

"Nothing. Everything's fine now."

Ms. Misato's eyes narrowed ever so subtly. It was a small change, almost imperceptible if you weren't nervously looking out for it. Shinji was very, very worried about what she might be thinking right now. Because he knew he was an obvious liar.

Misato crossed her arms.

"Nothing. Is that why you two haven't even looked each other in the eye for days?"

Shinji felt heat rise in his throat. Being questioned by Misato about what happened with Asuka was a new situation, but what he was feeling was strangely familiar. And for some reason, it was making him angry. Shinji turned his head and looked away from Misato.

"We fought. But it's alright now. We've made up."

They hadn't truly reconciled, to be honest. More like swept the whole thing under the rug.

Ms. Misato lowered her gaze slightly. Her hands fiddled with the elbows of her red jacket, and it was then that Shinji realized that she must have just gotten home from work and hadn't even changed yet.

For a moment Shinji felt sorry for her, wondering if he should cook her something, an early morning snack or something like that, but it was only for a moment. Because then she lifted her gaze again, and Shinji didn't like the look on her face one bit.

"Look, Shinji, I know it's a weird question but...does she...give you a hard time?"

"What?"

Misato was almost fidgeting, and the sight made Shinji uncomfortable. As if the unease was contagious. Shinji couldn't believe what he was seeing, or what he had just heard. He'd expected uncomfortable questions, of course, but this...?

"Shinji, don't take this the wrong way. I don't mean to be intrusive, and..."

Misato licked her lips once with her tongue. Shinji's throat went dry at the sight.

"I care about you both so much, and I mean it. You and Asuka. You've probably heard this from Asuka by now, but I spent some time as her handler before you came along, so I've known her for quite a while, but even so - no, rather, because of that, I..."

The silence between her words weighed heavily on Shinji. He had a hunch that whatever Misato was about to say was going to be extremely uncomfortable. Maybe it was better for him to interrupt her, or to run away back to his room. But Shinji didn't dare do that to an adult, to someone who was both his guardian and boss, so there was nothing he could do but stay frozen in place until she spoke again.

"I know how…difficult Asuka can be. And it was okay with me because I'm an adult and it was, well, my job to handle her after all. But you..."

At that point, she paused again. Misato studied Shinji's face, as if waiting for some sort of response. A nod. An awkward smile. Anything that might be interpreted as positive.

Shinji merely opened and closed his uncooperative mouth a few times. Misato let out a small sigh and resumed speaking.

"So, if she gets too overbearing, then..."

"No, Ms. Misato."

Shinji found himself cutting her off, surprising them both. A stuffy silence descended.

Shinji realized with a sinking feeling in his stomach what Misato's words meant. He had reacted so reflexively to them, too.

She wasn't even wrong, to be fair. There really were times when Asuka was overbearing. Or acting unreasonably. He was fresh out of such an incident, after all. But for some reason, Shinji found it hard to agree with Misato.

It was true that Asuka was causing him pain, but she was also giving him a happiness he'd never imagined was possible for him. He would need to tell Misato all of that if he were to agree with her words, and for some reason, he didn't feel like it. Maybe because he wasn't confident in his eloquence, thinking he would just make both him and Asuka sound pathetic. Or maybe he hated the possibility that it might sound like a lame excuse.

So Shinji shook his head. The motion was akin to that of shaking something off.

"It's alright. I'm fine. Really. You don't have to worry about me. Or Asuka. About either of us."

"Shinji, it's okay. You can talk to me. Maybe it's not the right thing to say, but...you know I'm on your side, right?"

Misato slightly tilted her head, smiling awkwardly. It was the smile of a conspirator. A conspiracy that Shinji wanted no part in. Shinji's face hardened.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Ms. Misato. I'm on Asuka's side."

Shinji couldn't bear to look at Misato, so he averted his gaze. Even then he could clearly see her blinking, not knowing what to do. She even stuttered in the next moment.

"Oh, yeah. Right. Me too. I'm on her side, too. I think I worded it poorly."

Then how would you rephrase that? Shinji almost wanted to ask, but held back. She was visibly flustered, and he felt guilty for making someone who just offered help to him feel like that. He just wanted to end this conversation right then and there, to go back to his bed where Asuka was sleeping and get another hour or two of sleep before school. But Ms. Misato continued.

"What I meant to say was..."

"I don't want to talk about this anymore, Ms. Misato. I want to stop. Please."

Looking up, Shinji saw Misato's eyes widening, and he realized that he had been a little harsh in his wording. Maybe it was hard for him to keep his composure when it came to Asuka. Maybe he was angry with Misato. Maybe, like the coward he was, Shinji considered Misato to be someone he could be rude to, since she had already proven herself to be kind and supportive of him. He didn't know. He started to feel bad for treating her this way. She was just trying to help him, to support him, even if she might have gone about it the wrong way.

But something simmering in Shinji's chest stifled his urge to apologize to Misato. With a complicated feeling in his heart, a feeling that he couldn't really explain or understand, Shinji shook his head again. The voice that came out the next moment was not as strong as before.

"I... I'm very tired. I took the painkiller Ms. Ritsuko gave me last night. I think I'm still all drowsy because of that. Not like it's been that long."

Misato nodded stiffly. "Yes, you must be tired. Oh my, look at me. Waking up a sick kid at this time of the morning and preaching and all. I'm sorry."

Shinji smiled helplessly, nodding. Misato took a step forward and reached her hand out toward Shinji's face, hesitated for a moment, and then placed her palm on his forehead, as if she was checking for a fever. Shinji shivered slightly. Her hand was very cold. It wasn't like he was sick or anything, but Misato didn't move. Shinji remained still, unable to look at her face. After a moment, her hand slipped away.

"Are you sure about school?"

Shinji nodded. "Yeah, I'm sure. Are you off work now? Do you want me to make something for breakfast?"

"No, the work isn't officially done yet. I just came here in the middle of a break. To check on you kids. I'll have to go back now. I think I'll be back before dinner, though."

With that, Ms. Misato straightened the collar of her jacket, as if to leave right then and there. It was a slow and deliberate motion, as if she was waiting for Shinji's reaction, so Shinji nodded. She answered with a small smile.

"See you, then."

"Take care, Ms. Misato."

Shinji followed her through the kitchen to see her off. As Shinji stood one step out into the hall, waving to her, Misato waved back from the doorway, and left.

As soon as he returned to the kitchen, Penpen's refrigerator door swung open with a woosh. Penpen poked his head out of the fridge, his eyes barely opened as if he'd just woken up. The penguin sent Shinji a questioning look.

"It's too late. She's gone now. Go back to sleep."

The penguin's beak opened slightly, then closed, and its entire head went back into the refrigerator.

Shinji turned his head and checked the clock. It was four forty. It occurred to him that he might as well apply that advice to himself, so he trudged weakly toward his room. The nagging sensation that he had wronged Misato somehow weighed heavily on both his mind and body. Maybe he should've at least made her a cup of coffee before sending her off.

But the guilt was short-lived, as the sight of Asuka asleep in his bed, half-buried in the futon just as he'd left her, washed all of the bad feelings out of his head. What filled him instead was the same thing that was filling the room now: a warmth laden with Asuka's scent.

The sight before him, this whole situation, was magical to him. Asuka was sleeping in his bed, looking for all the world like she belonged there. Smiling, Shinji carefully slipped under the covers.

He was about to decide if he should hug her or not, because he didn't want to wake her, when Asuka's eyes fluttered open, startling him.

"Where have you been?"

Her voice was hoarse and soft as butterfly wings in the early-morning quiet. It was the first time Shinji had heard that particular voice from her, and the way it was not beautiful was the most beautiful thing in the world to him.

And then, in the very next moment, Shinji almost lied to Asuka. Almost casually. That he'd just gone to the bathroom. That she didn't need to worry about anything. Shaking his head slightly, Shinji opened his mouth.

"Ms. Misato came and went. I guess she just wanted to check on us for a minute before she went back to work."

Asuka's eyes, dark and dull in the dim light, searched Shinji's face wordlessly. As if to ask if that was all. It occurred to him, then, that maybe Asuka had heard everything. This house was not soundproof, after all. But he didn't want to consider that possibility. He wasn't sure how Asuka would react to Misato's words, and how he should deal with such a delicate situation. Almost reflexively, Shinji started to apologize. Then he remembered that he hadn't actually done anything he needed to apologize for and stopped. Their gazes locked in a warm but heavy silence.

I think I hurt Misato. But I couldn't help it. She was trying to drive a wedge, no matter how small, between us, and create distance. To gossip about you and force me to pick a side. So I hurt her. You'd like that, wouldn't you? Would you praise me for it? Would you love me for hurting her for your sake? Would that make you forgive me in the future, if my sync rate ever surpasses yours?

Shinji shuddered at himself for thinking that way. But he also knew that there was a part of him that was welcoming the idea. He didn't dare give voice to any of his thoughts, though, so he kept his mouth shut and looked at Asuka, almost pleadingly. Tears began to form in his eyes.

Asuka snorted, then leaned down to bury her head in his arms. At the same time, her hands slowly dug into Shinji's sides. Shinji lifted himself up a little, mindful of his injured ribs, so her hand could pass between his body and the bed, and returned her embrace. He could feel the warmth and curves of her body through the thin fabric of her t-shirt. Asuka could definitely feel his reaction to that, but neither of them said anything.

The heat radiating from Asuka's body was a little overwhelming in the warmth of the summer morning. Her arm, tucked between the mattress and Shinji's body, moved with care and consideration, but it still wasn't completely comfortable. But if that was the price he had to pay for holding her, then he was willing to go through it.

Asuka flinched slightly. Puzzled, Shinji lowered his head to glance at her, but the girl in his arms didn't look up, burying her face in his chest stubbornly.

"Hey, does it hurt?" With that, Asuka raised her index finger and lightly touched Shinji's side.

"No." That was only half a lie.

"If I ever hurt you, tell me. Don't be an idiot and keep it to yourself."

"Yeah."

If only I could do that, Shinji mused as he buried his nose in Asuka's hair. That was the thought that kept him awake as Asuka fell back to sleep in his arms, as his shirt grew cold with Asuka's drool, as the morning light peeked through the crack in the door, and as his alarm clock finally went off.

---

Today was the first proper day of school the two of them were to attend since Asuka had announced their relationship. The first day where they could act like a proper couple. The first chance for them to hang out together, openly, at school. Asuka had spent the whole morning trying to figure out how to act today. She was aware that she walked a fine line here: between what she wanted to do and what Shinji would bear with. She didn't like this feeling of pressure and self-censorship, even if it was because of Shinji, but honestly, she was willing to do many things if it meant avoiding a repeat of their recent troubles.

But what was the limit of his tolerance? Some things were irreversible, she figured, but what could and couldn't she do?

The conversation between them during breakfast was unnaturally dry and superficial. Now that the intensity of last night had subsided and they woke up in the same bed, a kind of awkwardness seemed to have developed between them. Even though they hadn't done anything of substance.

To Asuka's surprise, it was Shinji who solved her worries. Upon arriving at the school gate, he grabbed her hand without giving her a chance to react. The only thing she could do was make a surprised 'ah!' sound before getting pulled along by Shinji.

Shinji didn't even look back in her direction, just kept walking forward. All Asuka could see as she hurriedly followed was his reddened earlobe. And all the heads turning their way, of course.

Then Asuka came up beside Shinji, grinning. Their shoulders and elbows tangled and bumped against each other. When they passed through the classroom door, still walking side by side and barely passing through the narrow door because of that, she heard all the girls gasp. Asuka basked in the blatant stares and halfheartedly-muffled whispers until she sat down. Hikari, who was standing near the teacher's table and chatting with a few girls, made eye contact with Asuka. Her eyes widened slightly at the sight of them, then she nodded and smiled. Asuka didn't respond.

That wasn't the end of it. Shinji came to Asuka's seat at every recess. The girls who normally flocked to Asuka did not dare to approach her today, scared off by Asuka's warning looks. Ignoring their sneaking glances and whispers, Shinji and Asuka made small talk until the bell rang and the class started again.

It was clear to Asuka that Shinji was trying very, very hard. Even so, their conversation was punctuated by awkward silences, and his eyes would flick uneasily about the room, never lingering for too long on any given knot of people. It was apparent that being the center of his peers' attention was no easy feat for him. He was much more natural at home. But the awkwardness was easily manageable with Asuka's help. She commanded attention at the right moments, changed topics when needed, and sent stern warning glares when the girls' gawking became too blatant. She even drove the girl in front of her off at recesses so Shinji could have a place to sit whenever he came along.

By the time the last class of the day arrived, Asuka felt something akin to a shame. If only school on Saturdays lasted long enough for a lunch break. She wanted to do something more with Shinji. Something involving food, maybe. Like climbing onto his lap and feeding him herself. It was something they could do at home (she was honestly not sure why she hadn't thought of it before), but it would be infinitely better with an audience. She wondered what kind of face Hikari would make if she saw such a thing.

Of course, that didn't mean Asuka had given up on the chance to make the most of her last moments at school today. She always had a plan for different scenarios, after all.

On weekdays, only the designated group remained behind after school to clean up, but on Saturdays, the entire class did the clean up before the end of the school. Why they didn't just hire a professional janitor was beyond Asuka's comprehension, but apparently students doing the cleaning was the rule in Japanese schools. So, with the last class finished, Asuka was supposed to check which group she was assigned to and where she had to clean, but she walked toward Shinji's seat instead.

Shinji was sitting in his seat, his chin resting on his hand. His gaze was somewhere far away, seemingly oblivious to all the commotion around him. Asuka's heart sank for a moment, and she looked in the direction of his gaze. It wasn't until she realized that there was no sign of the First anywhere in the vicinity - no, come to think of it, she hadn't been at school at all today - that she relaxed. Then she felt a bit silly. She was still suspicious of Shinji. Even after everything.

Only after realizing that there was nothing amiss, Asuka fully took in Shinji's face, something she rarely did. And how much she liked it. Contemplative. Delicate. Soft. Warm. Loyal. Asuka's.

I wonder what he's thinking right now. Is he thinking about me? He better be. His head should be full of me and me only.

Asuka strode briskly toward his seat, smiling. Shinji, now aware of Asuka's presence, raised an eyebrow and gave her a questioning glance as she stood right next to his desk.

"Asuka? Are you here to clean up this line? Do you want me to move?"

Instead of answering, Asuka kicked off her uwabakis and climbed lightly onto Shinji's desk. Shinji leaned back in his chair, eyes widening. As if in pursuit, Asuka pivoted, using her hips as the axis. She sat facing Shinji and placed her feet on his thighs. Shinji didn't protest. He didn't say anything at all, but Asuka noted with satisfaction the way his lower belly retracted and his crotch rose. She bent over, putting her elbows on her knees and resting her chin on her hand in imitation of the pose Shinji had been affecting moments earlier. She smirked a little as she watched color flood Shinji's cheeks, barely an arm's length away.

Ignoring the stares that were already beginning to pour in, Asuka tilted her head at Shinji. "What are you thinking about?"

Shinji's flush deepened, but he didn't look away from her. Asuka quite liked that development.

"Nothing. I just, this and that, nothing in particular."

This and that? Normally Asuka did not like that kind of lame answer, but she took it nonetheless. She was in a good mood today.

"So what's the plan for lunch?"

"Uh...nothing concrete yet?"

"Then let's eat out on the way home!"

Shinji flinched and then slowly shook his head. Asuka frowned. "Why, do you have a different idea?"

"No, not really, but why spend money when we could just eat at home..."

"Oh, come on, you sound like someone out of the Second Impact Generation, what the hell is that? Are you Misato or something?"

Shinji chuckled, scratching the back of his head. "Let's do as you say, then. Consider it a date, I guess..."

Asuka tried to smile at that, but didn't quite manage, because Shinji's face hardened at that moment. She was about to ask what was wrong when she realized he was looking at her knees.

Took you long enough to notice. "Oh, this -"

"Asuka! Only Ikari is exempt from cleaning duty, not you! Now..."

Shinji and Asuka's heads snapped around at the sound of Hikari's voice. Hikari, broom in hand, was staring at where Shinji had been staring just a moment ago. Asuka's knees.

"Uh, Asuka, are you hurt too? Is that why you're resting?"

"Ehm, no, not really, but..."

Asuka considered saying yes, but she didn't. She didn't want to sound whiny over a few simple scratches. And she didn't want to make up some lame excuses to get out of cleaning duty. If she didn't want to, she wouldn't, end of story.

But for some reason she found herself lifting one foot slightly, pulling the sock on that side down to her ankle. A girl, somewhere in the distance, made a sharp sucking sound through her teeth.

She always wore knee socks to school, so her legs below the knees and the scratches she got yesterday were almost completely covered by them. Now they were exposed for all to see. Red lines, long and short, thick and thin, sliced through the creamy white skin of her legs. Some parts were already crusted with black and brown scabs around the edges. All of them from yesterday's frantic knee-dragging on the lake shore. Asuka hadn't considered them particularly spectacular, but now that she saw them again in the bright noon light, they really were a bit gaudy.

I hope they don't leave scars.

"Asuka! What happened yesterday? Ikari said he broke a bone, and now you have cuts like that all over your leg, but apparently there wasn't a battle or anything? At least that's what Ikari said, and there really wasn't an evacuation alert or anything like that, but..."

"Oh, that." Asuka thought for a moment. All she knew was that an Angel had tried to infiltrate the database at headquarters yesterday and had subsequently been repelled. At last night's debriefing, Misato had instructed them to keep it a secret. Asuka didn't understand the reason behind it, and Nerv didn't trouble themselves to explain.

Guess she would have to make something up, then. She didn't have to try too hard. All she needed to do was omit some details, after all.

"It's got nothing to do with an Angel. We just went to the lake yesterday night, just the two of us, after the test at headquarters, and the ground there was a bit uneven and harder than I thought, I guess? I didn't even notice it at that moment but when we got home..."

Asuka belatedly realized Hikari's face flushed so brightly that even her freckles glowed red. Only then did she realize that she just completely misled Hikari and everyone who was listening. Sure enough, she could hear the sound of chattering in the distance.

"I guess she really has no shame whatsoever."

"She's from the West. That's why she's like that."

"Did you hear that? She broke his ribs. How is that even possible? How hard did she…"

Asuka's stomach clenched. Unlike Monday's incident, this was a genuine gaffe. The idea that she had repeated the same mistake, and that she'd have to go through the same trouble made her feel almost sick. There was a part of her that didn't like the fact she was this conscious of Shinji's reaction, but that part of her didn't even dare raise its voice right now.

Asuka squinted at Shinji, but his face betrayed nothing. She wondered if he didn't understand why Asuka's words were a mistake, but that didn't seem likely. So anxious was Asuka to study Shinji's face that she nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard Hikari's voice.

"Is, is that it? Uhm, maybe bring a yoga mat next time…?"

Before Asuka could ask what the hell that meant, Hikari covered her face with both hands and ran away. Asuka's eyes followed her and found the girls staring in her direction. As soon as they realized Asuka was watching, all of them quickly resumed their cleaning.

At least that got rid of Hikari, she thought, trying to ignore the shame still prickling in her chest. Suddenly, a soft hand wrapped around Asuka's calf. Asuka flinched and turned to find Shinji looking up at her, a faint smile on his flushed cheeks.

"It's a deal. I mean, lunch."

Asuka's mouth opened slightly, then closed. The corners of her mouth lifted, forming a smile.

"Yeah."

---

"How much did you drink last night before the alarm?"

Misato flinched, then looked up. Ritsuko hadn't said much for the past few minutes. Maybe she'd finally figured out something to say. Or maybe she was finally done with her work.

Misato shook her head without lifting it from its position atop her arms, which were folded on Ritsuko's desk.

"Not much. We've only been drinking for a few minutes when you folks raised the alarm."

"Then why are you so down?"

"Isn't it natural? It's already noon and I didn't sleep at all last night. All I want to do is go home and crash."

Ritsuko lifted her mug with a huff and took a sip. The smell of strong coffee wafted in. Misato buried her face in her arms, still folded on top of the desk. Ritsuko set the mug down and spoke again.

"Hmm, that reminds me. How's home?"

Yeah, it's about time you asked.

Misato didn't say anything for a moment. Honestly, this whole thing was exhausting, tightening her chest. Especially after what had happened earlier today. For some reason, she couldn't stop thinking about Kaji, but thinking of him just reminded her of the past, which tightened the feelings in her chest even more. Misato sighed and deflected.

"You look very calm, Rits."

Ritsuko's eyes, nailed to the monitor until now, turned to Misato. "Me? Is there any reason I shouldn't be?"

"You defeated an Angel. Glorious solo kill. If we don't count joint records, you are tied with Asuka and Rei. That's pretty impressive, don't you think? You're not even a pilot, after all."

Ritsuko pursed her lips in a show of open contempt. Her gaze turned back to the monitor, too, as if to say Misato wasn't even worthy of her attention anymore. Soon the keyboard began to clack.

"Is that how you'd feel? That it's your kill, or some similar nonsense?"

Misato shook her head. "No."

"Of course not. We're not Asuka."

Misato couldn't suppress a wry smile. "You be careful with that."

Ritsuko's gaze came back to Misato. Her hands were still tapping away at the keyboard. The questioning look in her eyes made Misato sigh. She had tried to avoid this topic, but here she was bringing it back up again.

"I think Shinji hates me for saying something like that earlier today. I didn't mean to badmouth Asuka, but it must have come across that way. Or, I don't know, maybe I was actually badmouthing her a bit. I was just trying to say that I was on his side. I don't know how to deal with this anymore."

"Well…" Ritsuko turned her attention back to the monitor. She seemed awfully busy. "I've never raised a child, and since I'm an only child, I've never had to deal with favoritism from parents, either, so I honestly can't offer you any advice on this matter."

"I wasn't asking for it anyway."

With that, their conversation ended and silence descended again. With only the sound of the keyboard filling the room, Misato thought about Ritsuko's words.

Favoritism, huh?

She wanted to dismiss it as nonsense, but the words cut deeper than she initially thought.

I'm not playing favorites. I was just trying to help someone who might be getting the short end of the stick.

Misato snorted. The space between her arm and jacket heated up. The noises of typing stopped. Ritsuko cleared her throat.

"A loyal boyfriend, huh? That means their little fight is over now, too? Not because of your contribution, I guess."

Misato looked up, furrowing her brow. "How do you know that? Does Section 2 report to you about pilot affairs as well?"

"I don't need them to. The report from the recovery team yesterday, their faces while I examined Shinji, their general demeanor when I let them go…Asuka and Shinji might as well be carrying around neon signs that say "we're back in love mode!"

"Well, it was a stupid drama to begin with, and honestly, there's no guarantee it won't happen again. I really don't know what to do."

"I'm actually more surprised that you were so helpless in this situation than by the drama itself. Where's all your experience with Kaji gone? Don't you have any advice for inexperienced lovers?"

It was probably a joke. The light tone of her voice and the slightly upturned corner of her mouth testified to that. But Misato couldn't really smile at Ritsuko's words. Turning her head toward the window, Misato opened her drying lips. "Well, I don't know. Kaji and I never fought. We squabbled. A lot. But it was never anything serious, you know?"

Everything was perfect, until the fear in my heart grew and exploded.

Ritsuko looked at Misato. She didn't return it. After a moment, Ritsuko shrugged and went back to her work.

An odd silence settled over the room, before Misato spoke up again. "Want to get some lunch now? I'm starving."

"Hmm, I don't think I can do that, you'll have to eat alone today. Or find someone else. I'm waiting on an important email and I can't leave my desktop right now."

"Is it really that important? Worth skipping a meal over? Does it have something to do with that Rei business you talked about yesterday?"

"Rei? Oh, no, she's fine, no worries about her. And no, they're not skipping lunch."

"Then?"

"Have you ever heard the joke? That foreigners are weird, they always play soccer at dawn?"

"Ah, so it's the European branches, right? Trouble with Berlin again?"

"No, not Europe this time. It's the U.S. They're working overtime on something pretty important, and I'm assisting them. It'll be over soon enough."

"Is this something I should know about?"

"In due time."

"Huh."

With that, Ritsuko closed her mouth. Misato didn't feel the slightest inclination to probe any further, as her hunger was beginning to feel quite serious. She stood up from her seat. Ritsuko didn't even look at her.

"See ya."

With her eyes still fixed on the monitor, Ritsuko raised her coffee cup as if in salute.

---

The lunch date was uneventful. No accidents, no major missteps.

At first, Asuka thought about taking the train into the city center, getting a decent meal and then just wandering around. But then she remembered Shinji's physical problems and what he'd said about finances. It wasn't as if Asuka was short on pocket money or living paycheck to paycheck, but this date had been a spur-of-the-moment idea that Asuka had come up with at school, and she didn't want to take the chance of going to a random restaurant she hadn't checked out in advance and paying a lot of money for a potentially disappointing meal. She hated the possibility of disappointment, and she didn't want to take that risk if she could help it.

Eventually, they entered the first cheap gyudon chain they found after walking around aimlessly, their hunger almost unbearable at that point. It was a small, crowded place, and the few tables that were there were full, forcing them to sit at the bar. Shinji visibly shrank as soon as he entered the establishment and asked Asuka if she wanted to go somewhere else, but Asuka, her hunger now dangerously close to transmuting into anger, refused. Shinji seemed to feel something akin to guilt at the thought of bringing her to such a place.

Asuka genuinely didn't care, though. It was Shinji being overly concerned. Half of Japanese food seemed to be fish-related, and they didn't seem to care about the smell either, so rice with sweet stir-fried beef was a welcome change. And she didn't mind sitting next to Shinji, even though it would have been uncomfortable in any other case. It was a different kind of intimacy than sitting across the table from each other like they usually did.

After that they hopped on the train and headed out of town. This time on Shinji's insistence. He knew a place with a good view, he said. Asuka followed him, although she would have rather gone home.

It turned out to be the kind of place that was hard to access without a car, so they had to walk up a hill for quite a while after getting off the train. Asuka wasn't even sure if they were still inside the administrative boundary of Tokyo-3. By the time they finally arrived at their destination, Asuka was sweating and the arm carrying her backpack had started to ache.

It turned out to be an observation deck of sorts, overlooking the caldera that housed the city. It wasn't very high up, but it still had a nice, unobstructed view of the surrounding area. There was even a paid telescope set up on a small fenced-in cliff face nearby, something you often saw in touristy places. There weren't any tourists around, though, just Shinji and Asuka. And neither of them had enough coins to operate the telescope.

Asuka walked up to the fence and set her bag down, then leaned back against it and looked at Shinji. A breeze from the lowlands ruffled her skirt and hair. "You wanted to show me this?"

"Yeah. It's a nice view, right? I got to see the buildings come out of the ground the first time I came here. They're just standing today. Maybe it's more boring that way."

Asuka tilted her head back to look down at the city. It wasn't a bad sight, but nothing special either. A large city, but not large enough to be called a proper metropolis. Moderately tall skyscrapers clustered in the core blocks. Square grids stretched out in all directions, ending up in relatively sparse suburbs. On the opposite side of the city, she could glimpse Lake Ashi between the buildings. If, as Shinji said, the armored sections were going up and down, or if they came at night and saw all the lights glittering beneath them, she might have felt differently, but under the bright sunlight of a Saturday afternoon, the city didn't look all that unusual. She had seen worse. And she had seen better.

But to say so would disappoint Shinji. He had brought her this far, after all. So Asuka paused for a moment, wondering how else to put it. Shinji smiled, clueless as to Asuka's thoughts.

"When I first came here, I mean, to the city, Ms. Misato brought me to this place. I think she did it to encourage me, to show me the place I've saved. She must have thought seeing Tokyo-3 like this would impress me."

The unexpected mention of Misato's name made something in Asuka harden. There was a strange, almost longing quality to Shinji's voice that she didn't like one bit. He wasn't looking directly at her, his eyes on some faraway point in the city over her shoulder. She narrowed her own and then craned her neck. She could see cars, as small as ants. Even smaller people. Barely moving. Barely noticeable. Tiny, tiny little unimportant things.

Asuka saw Shinji coming toward her in the periphery of her vision. She turned to look at him. Shinji was no longer watching the city. His eyes were on her now. Finally. Asuka smirked.

"What do you see now?"

Shinji stopped in his tracks. His eyebrows rose slightly. He was blushing, lips twitching a few times as if he wanted to say something but couldn't. Asuka waited in growing anticipation. This time, he met her expectations.

"You. Asuka. Only you."

A happy noise escaped her throat. Asuka lifted her hands from the fence and cupped Shinji's cheeks, looking deeply into his eyes. Blue eyes. A little darker than hers, but a similar color anyway.

It would have been natural for them to kiss right then and there, but for some reason, Asuka didn't bridge the gap. Shinji didn't either. Instead, she kept looking into his eyes, and he looked into hers. A warm breeze rustled the dry grass around the overlook. Distant sounds of the city filtered up to them: horns honking, a motor roaring. Asuka couldn't stop the small smile from appearing on her satisfaction his response to her question had engendered in her was warm like the sunlight beating down on them. The amount of it felt almost disproportionate to the situation. Asuka decided that she didn't care.

It occurred to her, then, that never before had anything or anyone been so surely Asuka's than Shinji was now. She wondered if the boy even realized how special he was to her, and if she was as special to him.

The thought made Asuka's heart sink. She wrapped her arms around Shinji. It was only when he groaned and winced that Asuka realized her mistake. Shinji spent the next few minutes squatting on the ground, clenching his teeth, before he was able to move again.

When they got home after that, it was a bit later than usual. It was closer to dinner than lunch, but Asuka didn't mind. It was time well spent, after all.

Leaving Shinji behind to deal with the apparently very angry penguin, Asuka went straight to the bathroom and took a shower. She didn't even bring new clothes from her room, but it didn't matter. By the time Asuka emerged from the bathroom again, dripping wet and wearing only a towel, the penguin was already gone and Shinji was washing the beast's bowl in the sink. Asuka walked leisurely toward him and smiled with satisfaction when she saw Shinji's face flush as he turned around.

"Aren't you going to wash? It was hot today."

Shinji pointed to the sink. "After this. And I have to prepare for dinner, too. Have to thaw some meat."

Such a housewife, Asuka thought. She nodded and headed for her room when Shinji called her. "Oh, and..."

"What?"

"Ms. Misato will be here soon, so, uhm..."

Ah, yeah, Misato. It's about time. What vile trick she would try to pull us apart this time, I wonder.

Asuka barely managed to stop the frown from appearing on her face. Today had been a very good day. She didn't want to spoil it, so she shrugged her shoulders and said the first thing that came to mind.

"So what? You want me to help you in the kitchen while wearing only an apron and nothing else? You're a pervert, you like that kind of thing, don't you? I bet you've imagined something like that a lot. You said so yesterday."

His cheeks had been a cute pink hue before, but at her words his whole face lit up red like a stoplight. Asuka smiled in satisfaction at the sight, all the while adding an entry to her 'to do' list. Seriously, there were endless possibilities between them that they hadn't even tried yet, like feeding him from his lap, and then what she'd just said, and other, still more intriguing things. Just the mere thought of it was so exciting it sent a shiver down her spine.

"Asuka…!"

Leaving Shinji to mutter behind her back, Asuka made a teasing motion with her hips as she walked toward her room. She could feel his eyes on her barely covered ass along with a cool breeze, and it was intentional.

Once in her room, Asuka took her hair out of the towel it had been wrapped in. It had dried enough, so she combed some heat protectant through it with her fingers before pinning it up in sections on her head. Then she began to blow dry a section of hair, carefully running the instrument up and down the length of it until it was dried to her satisfaction before moving on to the next one. She repeated this process several times, and hummed throughout all of it. It was a bit silly, she found herself thinking as she swapped the blow dryer for the flat iron, but she also couldn't bring herself to stop.

After finishing her hair routine, Asuka took the towel off her body, draped it over the bed, then sat on it and began to apply lotion to her body. The soft, pleasant scent of it spread through the room. The smell was all too familiar to Asuka, as she'd been using the same brand almost since she'd started shaving. It was an almost homey smell, although it started as a desperate measure to get rid of the stink of LCL that stubbornly clung to her no matter how many times she'd shower.

Well, it wasn't even her idea, come to think of it. It was a solution offered by her handler at the time, Misato in response to Asuka's complaints. Come to think of it, this was the same brand that Misato had recommended back then.

Asuka looked down at the jar of cream beside her, narrowing her eyes. Body cream was something you used a lot, and the most recent jar she'd opened was already nearly half empty. The spares she'd brought from Germany were almost gone, too. She'd have to buy a batch soon.

I should try a new brand, Asuka thought. It wasn't necessarily because the previous one was Misato's suggestion; she'd been using the same one for years and maybe it was time for a change, and besides, importing things was expensive. Japan was supposed to have high quality beauty products, too, so there was no reason to not try something local.

But somehow, Asuka couldn't shake the feeling of unease. Probably because she had thought about Misato. So Asuka concentrated on the motion of applying the cream, starting with her left shoulder and working her way down her arm, all the while trying to think of something else.

Should I take Shinji with me? When I buy a new cream? And ask him what kind of scents he likes?

The thought brought a smile back to Asuka's lips. Yeah, that didn't sound like a bad idea. And she needed to think of pleasant things more, not crappy things she didn't need to be reminded of. Today was a good day. There were still concerns regarding Shinji, but nonetheless, they were largely lovely again.

She felt a little silly for letting her thoughts wander to Shinji again, but so what? The boy was there right now, just one door away, by her side, seeing only her. Why should she feel ashamed to think of him when he was probably thinking of her, too?

Asuka recalled her time in the Berlin branch. She remembered the times she got out of the shower and went through her routine, just like she did now. The room back then was so quiet. A time when she had nothing to do, nothing to look forward to other than the war, checking her phone every few minutes to see if Mr. Kaji sent any messages. A time when she didn't have a housemate to feed her and cherish her and blush at the sight of her.

At the time, she took it as something normal. Not now. Honestly, Asuka didn't think she could go back to that time. It felt unbearable just to think of the possibility.

It means you've become weak, Asuka. It's not something you could boast about. At all.

Asuka furrowed her brow at the sudden thought. She snorted and tried to ignore it, but it didn't work as well as she thought.

Her hands paused their work. Asuka sat still for a moment. Her chest and stomach were all done, so next were her legs. The red scratches came into view. She grimaced.

I'm all scratched up! I can't put cream on these. Ugh. I couldn't even shave, really. She ran a finger over a patch of unblemished skin between the cuts. It was unpleasantly prickly.

As she contemplated, there was a knock on the door.

"Asuka, can I come in?"

"Come in."

She answered absentmindedly, her head crowded with different thoughts. She forgot she was sitting cross-legged on the bed, completely naked, with one leg lifted. She realized it only after Shinji froze in place as he stepped half a foot into the room, staring at her.

"Ah, well…" Asuka paused in confusion, pulling up the towel she'd been sitting on with one hand. Come to think of it, he'd seen more of her many times already, and most of those occasions were through Asuka's initiative. Sometimes playfully. Sometimes pushily, almost angrily. Sometimes in a whirlwind of desire. It was a bit odd to act all shy now. But she already reacted awkwardly, so how could she make it look natural from here?

Before Asuka could think of a plan, Shinji surprised her. He strode into the room, closing the door behind him, and came straight to Asuka. The blush on his face was even redder than the one she'd seen in the kitchen earlier, almost on the verge of thermonuclear explosion, but he never took his eyes off her and didn't stop. Asuka froze, unable to move or react.

Is he trying to jump on me?

Maybe she teased him too much today and pushed his patience past its limits, although this time it was unintentional. Maybe Asuka had crossed a line that made Shinji forget about his physical condition.

And that was supposed to be the very thing she wanted. She's been consistently goading him towards it. But now that the possibility of it had materialized in front of her, she was frozen like a deer caught in the headlights. Even when Shinji walked to the front of the bed, knelt down, and gently grabbed her foot, Asuka couldn't move. Instead she closed her eyes tightly.

Why my foot though? she thought inanely. If you put it in your mouth or something I'll never kiss you again. Maybe that's too much, actually, but I still won't kiss you for at least a week.

Just like that, she was expecting a tongue, or lips, so she flinched and opened her eyes in surprise when something cold touched her shin. Shinji was holding a small tube in one hand. It looked like an ointment or something similar. Shinji actually seemed a little surprised by Asuka's reaction. She felt like an idiot.

"Um, Asuka, does that hurt that much?"

Asuka cleared her throat. Her panic had worn off now, and her normal nonchalance was returning. "Of course not. I'm not a child, I can totally take this. It was just a bit too cold and it freaked me out. You know what spinal reflex is, right?"

Now that her surprise had subsided, a slight embarrassment took its place. If Shinji somehow found out what she'd been thinking, she just might die. Asuka studied Shinji's face, wondering if he'd gotten any hint. Shinji, to Asuka's relief, averted his gaze from her prying eyes. His eyes stopped somewhere between the floor and her foot. He started with hesitation.

"Asuka, would you mind covering, you know... there? It's not that I hate it or something, but it's distracting me..."

If things had been any different, Asuka would have teased Shinji to no end, saying things like, 'What exactly bothers you?' 'Was there something you wanted to do?' and other such playful jabs, but right now she was so flustered that she wasn't quite able to muster up the inspiration. Instead, Asuka meekly pulled the towel up to cover herself. With a small sigh, Shinji squeezed the medicine out of the tube and applied it to the scratches on Asuka's leg, spreading it with his fingers. A cold sensation ran up her body once again.

The squatting position must have been uncomfortable, as Shinji sat down soon. When his butt met the floor Shinji groaned, clenching his teeth. There must have been a shock when he sat down. And it was only then that Asuka realized she was imagining absurd things. Shinji was sick, he needed to rest, and ravishing her was probably the last thing on his mind right now. She also realized she should have just come home as soon as school was over instead of dragging him around for hours on some stupid date. She wondered if he was hurting while they were walking around earlier and had just not said anything.

Why am I like this.

Even as Asuka thought that, she couldn't find a soft word to say to Shinji, and she hated herself for it. And she hated herself for hating herself. And at this rate, she would eventually hate sharing a space with Shinji, because he kept making her feel sorry. If he was gone, she wouldn't be this uncomfortable. But she found herself hating that idea, too. Because that would also mean the hand gently squeezing her foot and stroking her leg would be gone as well.

Shinji broke the silence Asuka had made.

"I'm sorry, Asuka."

Asuka tilted her head. "You're sorry? For what?"

Shinji's fingers once again spread the ointment on Asuka's leg.

"These scratches are so obvious, but I didn't realize it until the Class Rep pointed it out. I was too busy in the morning, I guess. Maybe I wasn't a perceptive enough boyfriend. I'm still not used to this whole thing..."

Asuka let out a small groan. She hadn't really cared that much about the scratches to begin with, and Shinji noticing it late was, well…she didn't care about it that much either, especially after the date had made her feel so good. It was Shinji's apology that made her feel somewhat bad. Like she was a bad person, or something. It was a sort of a burden, although it also warmed her heart.

Perhaps encouraged by such warmth, Asuka did something she wouldn't normally do.

"If you weren't feeling well earlier, I'm sorry. Maybe we should have just come home right after school."

Shinji looked up at Asuka and blinked. His mouth opened and closed once or twice. Asuka realized that this might have been the first time she'd ever apologized to the boy. It was a weird notion, but no matter how hard she tried, Asuka couldn't think of any instances where she'd done so in the past.

Shinji's hand on her leg jolted Asuka out of her reverie. He was applying ointment again. This time on the side closer to her knee where the scratches were wider and worse. Shinji frowned at them for a moment.

"I'm fine. Except for the time you hugged me too hard, I had no problem. It's not like I broke my leg or anything. I'm more mobile than I thought I'd be yesterday. And eating out was nice, too."

Asuka winced a little. Her knee stung.

"I thought you liked eating at home?"

Shinji's hand paused for a moment, then resumed its movement.

"Yeah, I guess, but..."

"But?"

Shinji shook his head with a faint smile. "It's hard to explain."

"Tell me anyway."

But Shinji stubbornly kept his mouth shut, just squeezing more medicine out of the tube. Asuka hadn't cared much about the issue until a moment ago, but now that he was behaving like this, she had to have an answer.

Asuka leaned down. The towel she haphazardly wrapped around her body slipped along, but Asuka let it. The slip itself was unintentional, but perhaps it would help distract Shinji.

"Tell me. And look at me when I'm talking to you. You're being rude."

Shinji looked up, and his eyes instantly widened. Asuka could even hear the sound of saliva sliding down his throat. It was so funny to see him react this way. It was as if he was a machine that reacted exactly as it was supposed to at the push of a button. Even after seeing her several times, even after having touched her nearly as often.

Shinji licked his lips nervously. "Literally. It's complicated. I don't even know how to explain it myself."

"I bet you're just lying. You don't want to tell me, is that it? What's so important about it?"

Asuka belatedly realized there was a hint of irritation in her voice. It wasn't intentional; she was still in a pretty good mood. Though if Shinji continued to be this stubborn, there was no telling what might happen.

Shinji turned his head to look away from Asuka. His hand stopped moving, too. Asuka couldn't tell if he was lost in thought or just sulking. Maybe both. Asuka, feeling a little impatient after some moments of waiting, was about to ask what the hell was wrong with him when Shinji spoke again.

"I guess I do like eating at home, but it became a little weird the more I thought about it. It's not something I started to do myself because I genuinely preferred it, I just did it because I had to and no one ever told me to stop. Like the cello. I'm not sure if I actually like doing it. Maybe it's the compliments I get from cooking, and not the act itself. And that made me wonder if I even really like anything. Everything in my life was like that."

Asuka blinked. The realization that struck her at the moment was a bit disconcerting. This was the first time she'd heard anything about Shinji's personal life and thoughts and habits. The only thing that was even a bit similar to this was that time in the kitchen when he was on top of her, but even that was, ultimately, a matter that directly concerned Asuka, not something completely Shinji's.

It was a weirdly overwhelming notion. And there were so many fundamentally strange thoughts and ideas mixed in there, so Asuka picked out the one thing that stood out the most and was the easiest to touch. "Cello? What was that thing about a cello?"

Shinji looked up. Apparently, he hadn't expected the question, or had forgotten that he mentioned it at all. Asuka smiled slightly, finding his confused face endearing.

"You know how to play the cello?"

Shinji nodded.

"Why didn't you ever show me?"

Shinji's eyes darted to and fro. "Uhm, because I never had a chance to...?"

"What chance? Are you telling me I should have given it to you? That I should've asked you for it? How can I ask for something I don't even know about?"

Shinji let out a small groan. Maybe she was being a little too accusatory. She lifted the foot that Shinji wasn't grabbing and gave him a swat on the arm.

"You're going to show me soon, right?" I would have been pretty genuinely impressed.

Shinji nodded, and a silence descended with it. But it wasn't anything long or particularly uncomfortable. Shinji began to squeeze the tube again. Asuka broke the silence first, since unlike Shinji, she had nothing else to do.

"So, you like it, right?"

Shinji glanced at her, a question in his eyes.

Say you do. With a strange impatience, Asuka studied Shinji's face. She didn't know why she felt that way, but she did.

Then a small smile tugged at Shinji's mouth, and Asuka's heart seemed to melt at the sight of it. "Yeah. I guess so."

"Yeah, who cares why or how it started. As long as you like it, that's enough."

"You're right."

The corners of his mouth turned up a bit more as he said that. His touch as he applied ointment to her leg lightened, too. Right after finishing the large scratches that were right below her knee, he even flicked her knee with his still-sticky finger.

"And now the other side..."

Asuka lifted the opposite foot, but instead of giving it to Shinji, she pointed it straight at his face. Shinji froze, evidently thrown off-balance. Asuka belatedly saw where his eyes were looking and realized this was not a good angle, but she didn't care. It didn't matter.

"See, it's good to talk. Don't clam up all the time like you're a mussel or something."

With that, Asuka curled her toes and cupped Shinji's cheek with them, and pulled his face up. Shinji opened his mouth to protest, but with one corner of his mouth being forcibly pulled up all the way to his ear, all he could manage was a stupid grunt.

"Feeling good, huh? I see you're smiling like an idiot. I mean, you are an idiot. It fits."

It was Asuka who burst out laughing, though. Shinji finally came to his senses and tilted his head back hard, untangling himself from Asuka's foot.

"Stop, Asuka. Don't. I mean it."

But even as he spoke, the corner of his mouth didn't come down even a bit from where Asuka's foot had just placed it. Asuka didn't even give Shinji a chance to finish his feeble protest before resuming her attack. Shinji groaned and tried to pull back, but he was kneeling in front of her and there were only so many angles he could maneuver from such a position. Asuka didn't allow him the slightest bit of leeway, either, because as soon as he started moving she sent the foot that was previously in Shinji's hand to behind Shinji's shoulder and pulled him in. All the while Asuka tried to grab Shinji's cheek with her other foot. Shinji quickly jerked his head back to avoid it. The small room filled with the sounds of their laughter and struggle.

If it had been her hand, Shinji would have just knocked it away without much trouble. But Shinji couldn't do the same with Asuka's feet. He couldn't touch her legs, either, because her shins were full of red and brown cuts and he didn't dare touch them with any strength, let alone grab them. Taking advantage of such hesitation from his side, Asuka grabbed his ear with her right toes and shook his head, almost viciously. The look in his face was so funny Asuka bent over and giggled, but in doing so, her toes slipped off and she lost her grip on him.

Shinji did not miss his chance. His hands shot up and caught both of Asuka's calves. Sensing danger, Asuka sucked in a breath and tried to pull herself up, but there was no way out of his grip. Unlike her shins, her calves were unharmed, so Shinji had no qualms with strengthening his grip. He didn't grasp her very hard, but it was more than enough to unbalance Asuka.

Under other circumstances, she still might have gotten away, but it was impossible now. Asuka didn't dare kick him because his face was too near, and she couldn't even struggle too hard because she could accidentally hit his chest or side at this angle. She was frozen in place, not knowing what to do.

Then Shinji yanked her legs with all his might.

In a whirlwind of bronze hair and flapping towels and screams and yelps and delighted grunts, Asuka landed ass-first on Shinji's lap. It was a pretty rough landing, but she barely felt any pain because the whole thing was too funny and she was laughing hysterically. Somehow, the next moment, they found themselves all tangled up together, her hands on his shoulders and his hands on her thighs. The pressure from below made Asuka smile wryly.

"I didn't break anything this time, did I?"

Shinji chuckled. "No. You didn't."

Asuka leaned down and rested her head on Shinji's shoulder. His hands came up and tried to pull up the towel that had been dislodged in the mess. Asuka opened her mouth to tell him to just leave it alone, but opted to sigh instead. He gave up after several failed attempts.

His smell reminded her that he hadn't taken a shower after coming home yet, but she didn't mind that either. Asuka rubbed her forehead against his shoulder.

As she did, Asuka realized once again how much she liked this. How good it felt to laugh and hold each other like this. To be open like this. How much she didn't want to lose this. But then again, it was Shinji who was opening up to her, not the other way around. She didn't really open up to him the way he did to her today. She didn't know if it was her consciously avoiding it, or if it was just how the conversation had gone.

And Asuka was vaguely aware that this couldn't continue. They needed to talk. They needed to understand why the other was acting the way they did before they got into another fight again. And Asuka knew that her contribution to the recent tribulations had been greater than Shinji's, and that it was her turn to open up.

But how? The voices in her mind that would normally be protesting loudly were silent now, but even without such distractions, Asuka was at a loss. How was she supposed to explain to Shinji what piloting the Evangelion meant to her? Why the synchronization rate was so important?

As her thoughts reached that point, Asuka realized something else; that Shinji had already given her a hint on this matter, a road sign she could follow.

Asuka lifted her head. The sudden movement brought a questioning glance from Shinji. Looking into those soft blue eyes, Asuka steeled her resolve. She tried to start from where Shinji had left things off the last time.

"Shinji. You told me back then. That you're piloting the Evangelion and staying in this city all because of me. That you're only doing it for me."

Shinji didn't react for about two or three breaths. Asuka had to stifle a bitter smile as something akin to wariness surfaced in his eyes.

I gave him some good reasons to feel like that, I guess.

Asuka forced the softest smile she could muster, and opened her uncooperative mouth.

"I..."

I what? Asuka's throat quivered. Once again, hesitation gripped her whole body and wouldn't let go. What was she supposed to say? What could she tell him? Would he even understand if she did? Wouldn't he try to argue or something? Wouldn't this just end up being a gigantic mistake, which would lead to them having another stupid fight?

Or rather, did she even want to hear the reason with her own voice?

That she's doing this because her mother-

Asuka chewed her lip. She saw Shinji's eyes fluttering. As if pushed by the sight, Asuka cautiously opened her mouth.

"I like you, Shinji. A lot. Really."

The quickly blossoming guilt, the guilt that she hadn't said what she meant to say, that she said the wrong thing, even though it was truth on its own, and that this could be a deception of a sort, was instantly washed away by the sight of Shinji's beaming face. Tears rapidly pooled in his eyes. His hands, lingering near Asuka's waist, came up and took hold of her, and he fell into her arms. Asuka buried her fingers in his hair and gently pulled him closer. His whole body trembled in her arms.

She made him happy. That should be enough.

At least, that's what Asuka wanted to think.

---

Getting to the base in the morning was no easy task, especially when he wasn't being given a ride.

It wouldn't have been that hard if he rode with his father, but Kensuke gave up that solution from the get-go. Their relationship, which had always been distant, had been all but destroyed by the chain of events that brought them to the United States. These days they didn't talk much. Even the big news of Kensuke's designation as a pilot did not cause much reaction from the old man. It was impossible for him to walk up to his father and say, 'I've heard rumors of an important experiment today, so I'd like to skip school and go to the base. Please give me a ride?'

NERV headquarters in Tokyo-3 was connected to the city proper by a designated train line. The small town in central Nevada where Kensuke found himself had no such infrastructure. It was extremely difficult to get to the nearest supermarket without a car, let alone all the way to the NERV base located in the nearby desert. It wasn't like a school where they provided a bus, either, so Kensuke ended up calling a cab with his broken English.

Arriving at the base wasn't the end of the ordeal; it was easy enough to get through the various manned and unmanned checkpoints with the NERV ID he was given (he still felt almost euphoric whenever he had the chance to use it), but the real challenge was actually navigating the place. The underground facility here was needlessly huge and complex in Kensuke's opinion. So many empty corridors and horizontal escalators that led to nowhere. He'd only ever been here with an escort, which was somehow able to navigate this maze with flawless precision every time. He always wondered if this was a reflection of American sensibilities; to him, this country had more land than sense, which led to lots of wasted space when it came to city planning and building design. He figured the Japanese headquarters in Tokyo-3 were more rationally and efficiently planned, like a proper Japanese establishment. Then again, he'd never set foot in there.

Anyway, Kensuke had at last managed to find the pilot lounge, where he now sat, alone, intently watching the TV that was connected to the test hangar. The video feed came courtesy of Lieutenant Yoshida. He would have preferred to be in the testing room, but since he wasn't allowed in there, a video feed was good enough.

He was in the middle of trying to parse the technobabble being fired off in rapid English when the door whooshed open. He glanced back, startled. Fletcher was the only other person in his unit, and he was the one who got to be in the testing room. Kensuke wasn't expecting company.

But soon he realized he was wrong. There had been a transfer, recently, though he hadn't had a chance to talk with her yet.

The newcomer probably didn't expect Kensuke to be here either, because she paused at the doorway for a moment. Brown haired and blue eyed, she looked to be in that awkward in-between stage of being a little too young to be called a woman, but a little too old to be called a girl. Maybe it was just Kensuke being bad at judging white people's ages, but she definitely looked older than him. Older than a certain white girl he'd met back in Japan, and older than the kids he saw at his new school.

And judging age wasn't the only thing Kensuke was bad at. He couldn't figure out what to say in this situation. He had never been comfortable around girls, much less when he had to speak to them in a foreign language. He was the only student in his school's ESL program, and he wasn't sure if he had learned anything from it. It was the girl-woman who broke the awkward moment with a short, casual 'hey'.

With that, she stepped into the room and plopped down on the couch across from him.

For a moment, Kensuke wondered if that was a greeting of some sort. It was just a single syllable. Then he remembered there was actually a similar expression in Japanese, too. Kensuke forced a smile. "Hey."

His fellow pilot turned to the TV with an odd look on her face. When she opened her mouth again, Kensuke was utterly shocked. "Here to watch the experiment?" she asked.

Both the accent and intonation were strange, to say the least, but it was definitely Japanese. After the initial shock wore off, Kensuke was almost pleased, the beginnings of a smile making their appearance. Other than Lieutenant Yoshida, he had no one to talk to in Japanese these days, and that meant he barely talked at all.

"Oh, yeah, I heard there's some major renovation work on Unit-04 today. I wasn't called in, so it's none of my concern, I guess. Maybe it's a security clearance thing? Although I don't understand why they didn't tell me anything about this; I am a pilot after all... anyway, Lieutenant Yoshida set this up for me after I arrived at the hangar so I could watch it from here."

Kensuke realized the girl was looking at him with an amused expression. Heat rose to his face. Maybe he was just too excited to meet someone who could speak Japanese after so long.

"I'm sorry."

The girl was still silent. Kensuke couldn't stand the awkwardness so he spoke again. "Um, Ms. Hunt, right? I'm Kensuke. Aida Kensuke. No, I mean, Kensuke Aida. Kensuke is the given name and Aida is the surname. We have it the other way around, you see."

She snorted. "RM. Call me RM. No honorifics. There's too many of them and it's annoying to keep track. And slow down."

Kensuke chuckled, thinking it was a strange name. Come to think of it, he couldn't remember her first name at all. Maybe RM was an abbreviation, but it didn't matter. If she wanted to be called that, then whatever. He slowed his speech a little more consciously this time, pausing between each word.

"Okay. Uhm, still, your Japanese is good. I'm a little surprised. You're the first one I've met who speaks it, besides Lieutenant Yoshida."

"Yoshida. Tech department. Short hair?"

Kensuke nodded. "Yeah. He's Japanese-American. I'm a pain in his butt, I guess."

"Pain?"

"I mean, I'm getting a lot of help from him."

"Ah."

"But you, how do you speak Japanese so well, are you mixed race too?"

RM let out a short laugh. It sounded cheerful, but there was a harsh undertone to it that sent chills down Kensuke's spine. But maybe he was imagining things. She shook her head.

"What the hell. No. When I was selected, I trained at the London HQ. They taught me Japanese there. Most of the active-duty pilot corp is Japanese, right? Including that ace? I'm surprised they're not teaching them English over there, or us Japanese over here. How about Fletcher? Does he speak Japanese? How are all of us supposed to communicate if he can't?"

"Ah, well…"

Kensuke felt a lump in his throat. He had a feeling he knew who she was referring to when she said the Japanese ace. Kensuke hoped that the conversation wouldn't go in that direction. He'd rather talk about his other fellow pilot, Fletcher, although he knew next to nothing about him either.

"I hear you're from the Japanese headquarters. How are the pilots there? Did you know them well?"

Kensuke narrowed his eyes.

Ayanami. Soryu. Girls he didn't know very well from the beginning.

Shinji. A boy he thought he knew, but actually didn't.

All of them were special. The chosen ones. Shining. The ones who had it so good, who had unimaginable privileges, who didn't even seem to realize it.

Kensuke shook his head. "Not really. We weren't that close."

He looked away from those blue eyes, clear and almost colorless, like the flat blank gray of the sky on a cold winter's day. There was something sharp and almost predatory in those eyes that pinned him in place and made some deep, primal part of him shift uneasily. It was only when her attention shifted back to the TV that Kensuke realized that he had been holding his breath. The next question, however, didn't quell the feeling of unease.

"Who did that to your face? Those eye scars. The nose. Don't tell me it was from a fall. I know the marks of a fight when I see them."

The bridge of his nose throbbed, just like whenever he recalled the event. Kensuke laughed awkwardly and swiped at his face with one hand. "It's just…"

He hesitated for a moment. Words were not coming easily to him. How was he supposed to explain this?

All the bitterness. The injustice. The anger.

He turned his gaze to the TV. The screen remained unchanged from earlier. Unit-04 was standing in the hangar, still in its restraints. Fletcher must be in there right now.

Kensuke shook his head curtly.

"It's nothing serious. I was stupid, that's all."

RM didn't answer, and Kensuke could feel her gaze return to him, but he forced himself to ignore it and kept his eyes on the TV. Aside from the occasional flickering of the lights and the constant stream of busy conversations that were too fast for Kensuke to understand, the screen seemed almost like a still image.

"So, how did you pay them back? Did you kill them?"

For a moment Kensuke thought he'd heard wrong, or that she'd just used the wrong Japanese word. But when he turned to look at RM's face, it was deadly serious. He smiled awkwardly.

"Oh, no. Like I said, it was just me being stupid-"

RM hummed thoughtfully and then began to unzip her sweatshirt. As Kensuke watched, bewildered, she exposed her bare shoulder. The first thing that caught Kensuke's eye was a bra strap. He thought he'd become quite used to such a thing already, but it was different when the girl was so close and there was no camera to hide behind.

And then RM pointed somewhere. It was a spot between her shoulder and armpit. There was an ugly scar there, as if the flesh had been grabbed with hot tongs and twisted this way and that.

"Look. Here. I was stupid, too. How am I supposed to say this in Japanese? Whatever. A provo shot me. Was hiding. Went clean through."

Kensuke gasped. "Are you telling me you were shot? By a real gun?!"

RM nodded.

"We found him the next week. At his house. Along with his family."

Kensuke let out a noise of surprise. "Wow, you fought in a war or something? That's amazing! Where did you fight? What was the gauge of the gun that shot you? Did you keep the bullet? I'd definitely do that if I ever got shot! Wait, you're from England, right? What branch did you serve in?"

Only after shooting off all those questions did Kensuke remember that his fellow pilot was only a few years older than him at best. Whatever had happened, he doubted that she had fought as a regular soldier. It was probably one of the many small conflicts that had erupted in the aftermath of Second Impact, and his mental nerd encyclopedia of war and gunneries quickly suggested several possible scenarios. And none of it sounded particularly pleasant. He cringed a bit, realizing that he probably offended her greatly. He was considering an apology when RM shrugged and zipped up her sweatshirt again.

"It was nothing official."

Kensuke didn't know what to say, so he turned his attention back to the TV. Nothing had changed on the screen. He felt RM's gaze on him again.

"How about your Unit?"

This was a topic he could welcome. Kensuke had to suppress the urge to smirk. It was the first time he'd had a real chance to brag about this. It wasn't like he could with Fletcher, since that guy had been a pilot longer than he had.

"Unit-05 isn't finished yet. I haven't even gone inside it once, to be honest. It's not a minor issue like paint color or anything either, though that's important to me too. They have to ship some crucial part from Japan and that hasn't arrived yet, they say. And even with that done, they'd have to renovate it the same way they renovated Fletcher's Unit-04, so I'll have to wait quite a while before my unit is operational. I've done a lot of simulation training in the meantime, but they say that since the material is mostly based on Unit-01's records, it won't be as effective a learning resource after the refurbishment is over. They never explained why, though..."

Kensuke wondered if he had said too much again. Such a suspicion was reinforced when he realized that RM's gaze had shifted away from him and was now on the TV. Slightly disheartened, he checked the TV screen to see if anything had happened. Nothing had changed on the screen itself, except that the voices coming out of the speakers were slightly faster and more excited than before. Kensuke scratched the back of his head.

"Uhm, did something happen? Can you interpret what they're saying over the comm?"

RM shrugged and stood up. Her words were thickly accented.

"Evangelion Unit-04, Super Solenoid Engine operation successful."