The Skies Are Not Cloudy All Day
[December 2003. Malone's home. Morning]
(It is a quiet, lovely winter day. The Malones have the house filled with Christmas decorations. Toby and Becky are lounging by the fireplace; Diane is in the kitchen making some Christmas treats for the afternoon snack while she makes lunch; Elizabeth is in her room, sitting at her desk, doing homework; Sam and Ernie are in the garden playing baseball. At that moment, a ball comes through the window, breaking the glass and startling the girl, who screams in fright. Realizing what has happened, Sam pales a little because he knows Diane and Lizzie are going to kill them and because he knows he is going to have to make repairs. Diane, Toby and Becky, hearing the sound of the glass breaking, are also startled, and Diane runs out to Elizabeth's room. Mother and daughter cross paths in the living room, the former startled and the latter furious. When Sam and Ernie enter, Elizabeth glares at them and yells at them in the same tone Diane uses when she is angry)
Elizabeth: You barbarians! Can't one do homework in peace without having her room vandalized?
(Suddenly, Sam starts to laugh and Diane looks at him outraged)
Diane: Sam! Do you find this funny?
Sam: (Holding in his laughter) I'm sorry... I was just thinking back to when we moved in.
Remember when I told you to imagine what our life would be like at this point if we had married in '87? Well, I imagined this exact scene.
Diane: (Trying to hide her smile out of respect for Lizzie) That's true.
Lizzie: (Annoyed, to Diane) You too?!
Diane: Don't worry, I'm as angry with them as you are. I assure you that your brother will get his comeuppance for what he did, and right now your father is going to stop what he was doing to go take the measurements of your window to buy you a new one.
Ernie: Are you gonna punish me with no snack?
Diane: No. Food is necessary, it is not a reward or something that must be earned. Your punishment will be according to your actions.
Making your way in the world today
takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries
sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?
Sometimes you wanna go
where everybody knows your name
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see
our troubles are all the same.
You wanna be where everybody knows your name.
You wanna go where people know
people are all the same.
You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
[Cheers. Afternoon]
(Like the Malone's house, the bar is also filled with Christmas decorations. However, the scene is somewhat different from the usual. Carla is serving an apple martini and a buttered rum to patrons by the hallway, Woody is making an Irish coffee behind the bar, Sam is making two glasses of mulled wine, Diane is serving some snowflake martinis to some young ladies sitting by the door, Lizzie is sitting where Diane normally sits to read reading The Polar Express by Chris Van Allsburg, and Ernie is serving two glasses of apple cider to the couple by the piano)
Norm: (Entering) Afternoon, everybody.
All: Noooorm!
Diane: Norman.
Norm: (Laughs as he looks at Ernie) Are you guys so short-staffed that you have the kid working?
Lizzie: No. Ernie's working because he's not capable of measuring his brute strength nor is he smart enough to realize that it's not a good idea to play baseball in a small space like our garden, and apparently neither is Dad. And quite fairly if you ask me, Mom has forced him to work as punishment so that he will bear the cost of the repair.
Norm: (To Diane) I can tell she's your daughter.
(Sam and Diane grin at the comment)
Ernie: (Stands on his tiptoes and puts the tray on the bar) Dad, can I take a break? I'm beat.
Diane: I think you're finally realizing how convenient life is during childhood and how much work is in an adult's life. You can take a snack break, but remember you still have to work until 8:00 p.m.
Ernie: (Fed up) Yes, Mom...
(Diane hands some kind of cookie on a small plate and a cup of tea to Ernie and serves Lizzie her snack at the bar)
Lizzie and Ernie: Thank you.
Carla: What's that?
Diane: Lemon polvoron. It's a typical Christmas sweet from Spain.
Sam: "Spain"?
Diane: Yes. The recipe was in one of the books we bought on our honeymoon.
(Hearing Diane, Sam is surprised and smiles, he no longer remembered that purchase)
Carla: (Seeing a piece of paper on the counter) What's this?
Diane: Our Advent calendar. Adding one of teas along with the sweets was Lizzie's idea.
Carla: (Reads and laughs) "Enchanted Forest"?, "Shooting Star"?, "Witches"? (Snorts) Those names are ridiculous.
Woody: (Sipping a cup of tea) They might be, but man, do they taste good...
(Diane smiles at the comment)
(...)
(When Sam and Diane come out of Sam's office after having been organizing bills, they are surprised to see their children fighting)
Ernie: Everything bothers you!
Lizzie: At least I have enough common sense to know when-!
(Desperate, Carla screams and they both turn their heads towards her, startled)
Carla: (Fed up and angry) Will you two just stop it?! You're just like your parents!
Sam: Carla is right. You are disturbing the customers.
Diane: Now, what was the cause of your fight?
Lizzie: (Angry) That my brother has the brain of a fly!
Ernie: (Angry) And my sister has the expectations of an aristocrat!
(Sam and Diane, seeing that they are just like them in the 80's, exchange glances and sigh resignedly)
Woody: Hey, here's an idea. Why don't you guys sing Home on range? The only time I got mad at your dad, we did that and it worked.
Sam: It was a trick Coach had. He said that if you could sing Home On The Range for half an hour, you couldn't possibly hold a grudge.
Lizzie: Do we have to sing that long?
Sam: No. Just until you're calm enough to talk without fighting.
Lizzie: Okay. But we don't know that song.
Diane: (Handing them a piece of paper) Here, I've written down the lyrics for you.
Sam: I'll give you the rhythm. (Sings) Oh, give me a home, where the buffalo roam / And the dear and the antelope play / Where seldom is heard, a discouraging word / And the skies are not cloudy all day / Home, home on the range
Lizzie and Ernie: Where the dear and the antelope play / Where seldom is heard, a discouraging word / And the skies are not cloudy all day
[Cheers. The next day]
(The scenario at Cheers is similar to that of the previous day. Cliff and Sharon, who were absent the day before because they were out on a date, are now sitting behind the bar drinking a beer and an orange whiskey respectively, Carla is serving a ginger whiskey to a customer next to Sam's office, Woody is making a hot chocolate with Bailey's and whipped cream behind the bar, Sam is making a cranberry Mule, Diane is serving some apple and cranberry Mimosas to some women sitting by the door, Lizzie is sitting where Diane normally sits to read reading Dickens' A Christmas Carol, and Ernie is serving a rum and ginger punch to customers at the table in front of the bar)
Norm: Afternoon, everybody.
All: Noooorm!
Diane: Norman.
Lizzie: (Putting the open book against the bar so she does not lose the page she is on and carefully getting off the stool) Norm, can we talk in Dad's office for a moment?
Ernie: Woody, pour him a beer.
(Hearing them, everyone looks at them perplexed and Diane looks at Sam holding in her laughter as if to say "At what point did our kids start acting like adults?". Norm, puzzled, looks at Sam and Diane, shrugs his shoulders and goes to the kids)
[Days later. Malone's house. Afternoon]
(Ernie and Lizzie are sitting on the couch reading an Andersen anthology, on the table are two empty cups and some chocolates papers. Toby and Becky are by the fireplace, their favorite spot during the winter. When the children hear their parents fight as soon as they get out of the car, they look at each other. Ernie goes to get the miniature Corvette and Lizzie goes to get the book Diane had taken from the library a few days ago. When they see them enter, they both look at them seriously)
Lizzie: Aren't you the ones who are supposed to set an example?
Diane: (Annoyed) Shut up, Lizzie. This is between me and your father.
Lizzie: (Annoyed and outraged) No. You taught me to speak up when something is unfair. And also that we are all equal.
Ernie: If you have a problem, talk about it without yelling. You're bothering us, and you're bothering Becky and Toby.
Sam: (Angry) And how can I? Your mother is stubborn as a mule!
Diane: (Angry) Oh yeah? At least I'm not a dumb braying ass!
Lizzie: (Fed up) Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Ernie: It's almost Christmas, aren't we supposed to be happy?
(When the children see that their parents are going to protest, they stop them)
Lizzie: (Fed up and angry) Stop it!
Ernie: I think it's your turn to sing now.
Sam: "Sing"? Don't be silly!
Ernie: If you don't...
(To threaten them, Ernie runs to the fireplace with the Corvette in his hand and Lizzie opens the book to the page where the return dates are stuck and threatens Diane with tearing it up)
Sam and Diane: (Each to a kid) Don't you dare!
Lizzie: Then sing.
Sam and Diane: Don't-
Ernie: Sing.
(Sam and Diane look at each other angrily and huff angrily)
Sam: This is sick!
Diane: Humiliating!
Sam: You know, sometimes I do hate the fact that they take after you so much.
Lizzie: Sing.
(Angry and resigned, they sigh fed up, exchange glances and start singing, still angry)
Sam and Diane: Oh, give me a home, where the buffalo roam / And the dear and the antelope play / Where seldom is heard, a discouraging word / And the skies are not cloudy all day
(...)
Sam and Diane: Oh give me a land where the bright diamond sand / Flows leisurely down in the stream / Where the graceful white swan goes gliding along / Like a maid in a heavenly dream
Diane: (Clears her throat) Can we stop now? My throat is dry.
Ernie: That's from yelling at Dad so much.
(Hearing this, Diane glares at him and Sam holds in his laughter)
Sam: I'm gonna heat some water to make tea.
Diane: Thank you.
Lizzie: Now that you're calmer, go to your room and change.
Diane: "Change"? What for?
Lizzie: The answer to that is in the bedroom.
Sam: (Quietly, to Diane) Good thing they're 6 and not 16, otherwise I would have misread that.
Diane: (Tapping him with her hand) Sam!
(...)
(After a while, Sam and Diane come out of their bedroom dressed in Victorian-era king and queen attire and, seeing their children dressed as prince and princess and hearing the Coronation March from The Prophet, by Giacomo Meyerbeer playing on the record player, they laugh. They thought life with children would be fun, but the reality was surpassing their expectations. Kids genuinely had the funniest and most random ideas. Upon seeing them, Ernie and Lizzie bow and gesture for them to kneel. When the two have one knee stuck in the floor, the children each pick up a crown)
Lizzie: I, Elizabeth Malone, crown you, Samuel Malone, as King of our State. (She puts a crown on him)
Ernie: And I, Ernest Malone, crown you, Diane Malone, as Queen of our State.
(When the children tell them they can stand up, they obey and then they congratulate them with applause)
Ernie and Lizzie: Long live the King and Queen!
(Hearing them, Toby barks twice and stands up on his back legs, as if honoring his king and queen, and Becky, seeing him, imitates him. Sam and Diane laugh at the sight of them)
Sam: Is this your doing?
Lizzie: Of course. It's our duty as princess and prince to train the royal pets.
(Sam and Diane smile at the comment and look at each other. It was hard to believe that less than an hour ago they were fighting. Children really had the power to change the world around them, and the fact that they had been able to teach their parents a lesson at such a young age told them that they were doing something right with them)
[December 24. Cheers. Morning]
(It is Christmas Eve and one can feel it in the air. Outside, snow is falling steadily. Inside, Sam and Woody are wearing matching hats, Carla is wearing a green sweater and Rudolph earrings, and Diane is wearing a red dress. Ernie and Lizzie are wearing matching Christmas sweaters and are sitting at a table doing homework when they turn to their parents)
Ernie: Can you help us with our homework?
Diane: Sure. What's it about?
Ernie: We're learning about relationships and we have to answer some questions. How did you and Dad meet?
Sam: We met here at the bar. At that time your mother was about to marry another man.
(Hearing this, the kids are surprised)
Sam: He left her here presumably to come back, but he eloped with his ex-wife and didn't return until a year later.
(Hearing the story, the children are surprised)
Sam: That man was kind of like your mother's boss.
Diane: After what happened, I obviously didn't go back to work. Your father offered me a job here and I laughed in his face. Then I realized it wasn't such a bad idea and I started working as a waitress.
(When they finish talking, the children write down what they told them)
Lizzie: What was your first impression when you met?
Diane: I thought your father was attractive, but a complete idiot.
Sam: And I thought your mother was very attractive, but kinda uptight and stupid or too naive. I realized there wasn't gonna be a wedding long before she did.
Lizzie: (As she writes down) I hope the teacher doesn't scold us for the insults.
Ernie: Who said "I love you" first?
Sam: Well, I'm not sure. I fell for her first, and I once admitted it by accident when your mom played a trick on me. But we didn't become a couple until months later. When that happened, she was dating my brother, but she left him because she was in love with me. Though she didn't say "I love you", she said "I like you".
Lizzie: (Looks at Diane with a mischievous grin) Wow, Mommy, you were a heartbreaker.
(Hearing her daughter, Diane blushes a little, embarrassed. Then she remembers what Sam was like and rolls her eyes in resignation)
Diane: Wait until you hear about your father. There was a time when he hit on a different girl every day.
Ernie: Looking at the photo albums, I'm not surprised.
Lizzie: About Dad or Mom?
Ernie: Both.
Diane: Thank you. But back to the subject. I'd say I said it first. The day we became lovers, at night, before we went to sleep.
(Lizzie writes down the answer and Ernie looks at them)
Ernie: What was your proposal like?
Sam: Which one?
(At this, Lizzie raises her head, the two of them stare at him puzzled, and Diane presses her lips together trying to hold back her laughter)
Lizzie: How many were there?
Sam: (Starts counting) Well, proposal as such, with the question and all, I'd say five.
Ernie and Lizzie: (Opening their eyes wide in surprise) "Five"?!
Sam: Yes. The first one was on the phone.
Diane: (Smiles at the memory) It was so exciting, my heart was pounding with joy. But since I wasn't presentable, I told him to ask me again in a proper place.
Sam: And she said no.
(Hearing that, the children are surprised)
Diane: But it was because just the day before he had broken up with his girlfriend, whom he had been dating for four months. I thought I was kind of his plan B, so I said no. After we talked about it, I said yes, but he was still mad and didn't listen to me.
Sam: After that I asked her one night when we were alone at the bar, but she said no again.
Diane: But because I thought you were asking me because I was sad and crying.
Lizzie: Why were you crying?
Diane: Because your father wouldn't propose to me.
Ernie: Wait, let me see if I understand. You were crying because Dad wouldn't propose to you, and when he proposed, you said no?
Diane: Yes. Then we got into a fight. I ran out, and your father chased me. Because I was furious and I fell because of him, I reported him and he ended up asking me to marry him in court.
Sam: That it was my fault is not true. It was half true. I was chasing you, but you fell by yourself.
Ernie: Did you hurt yourself?
Diane: A little. Like when you fall in the schoolyard or playing in the park.
Sam: The next time was the last one.
Diane: And the most special one. (Smiles as she remembers) It was a beautiful summer night, with a bright full moon and a starry sky. Carla, Norman, Woody and Clifford had just gone home after spending the day with us.
Sam: We had a barbecue and then played at the home bar.
Diane: (Continues telling the story) Your father asked me to sit with him on the couch we had put in the garden for the guests and he read me an excerpt from Tennyson's Ulysses that reminded him of us.
Ernie: How did he know about it?
Diane: Two days before I fell asleep with the book in my hand and it was open to that page.
Lizzie: Sounds like fate (laughs).
Diane: Yes (laughs). Then your father got on one knee and asked me to marry him. That time I had no hesitation whatsoever.
Lizzie: It was very romantic. (Looks at the writing) Here our teacher has a story to keep her entertained for a whole weekend.
(Hearing the girl, Sam and Diane laugh)
Ernie: (Looks at the question) What's the best thing about your relationship?
(Diane, realizing the answer Sam has in mind, startles a little and covers his mouth just in case. At the sight of them, Carla smiles, but the children look at her puzzled)
Diane: Many things. I couldn't say just one. You two, how much we love each other, the fact that we have managed to be together despite all the hurdles we have encountered along the way, how much fun we have had together...
Sam: (Still with Diane's hand over his mouth) Also the passion.
(Hearing Sam talking, Diane pulls her hand away and looks at him as if to say "They're kids, be careful of what you tell them")
Sam: We still keep the romantic kissing (laughs). Not in front of you two, though.
Ernie: Sometimes you do.
Diane: (With a mischievous grin) When we're alone they're even more romantic.
Lizzie: Is that possible?
(Hearing the girl, they both laugh and exchange glances with a playful smile)
Sam: Yes, but you won't find out for at least ten years.
Carla: The teacher is gonna laugh a lot at this part (laughs).
(Hearing her, Sam laughs quietly and Diane holds in her laughter)
Lizzie: This is the last question. What was the hardest part?
(Sam and Diane think for a moment and look at each other, wondering to what extent it is appropriate for their children to know)
Diane: At first we fought a lot, several times a day even. Going from that to talking things out calmly took us quite a while and it was hard. It was also very difficult to be apart when we loved each other. When we were about to get married, I was offered a project I had been dreaming about since I was your age. Your father and I agreed to meet again six months later, but then I got a job and he couldn't leave Cheers, so we both took our own paths. After six years, when I received my first award, we saw each other again and tried to get back together, but we couldn't because of what I just told you. Now with the Internet I suppose a long-distance relationship is a little more workable, but it's not what we wanted at the time. The years that we were apart, although they had good moments, we missed each other a lot. And I won't tell you about the breakups, but they were extremely painful.
Sam: Another thing that was very difficult for me was seeing your mother with other men. When we first broke up after a terrible fight, she started to go to therapy, and there she met someone. They dated for a year. When they got engaged I traveled to Europe to try to stop the wedding.
(Hearing Sam, the children are surprised)
Sam: But your mother never got to say yes. And maybe I shouldn't tell you this because you're too young and it might be a bit traumatic for you.
Diane: Sam, I don't think this is a good idea.
Sam: Don't worry, I won't go into details.
Lizzie: What happened?
Sam: When your mother and I first became lovers, another guy fell in love with her.
(Hearing this, the children are surprised)
Sam: And when he found out we were together, he tried to choke your mother in a play.
(Hearing this, the two children look at them with wide eyes, very surprised and a bit scared)
Sam: Don't worry, that time it was just a scare. But many years later he tried again, just in a different way. Luckily it wasn't anything violent or bloody like a bullet or a stabbing. Otherwise I think the trauma would be worse for everyone.
Ernie: What did he do to her?
Sam: He sent someone to give her poison.
(Hearing Sam, the two kids are surprised)
Lizzie: Like in Snow White?
Sam: Something like that. Only here one kiss didn't solve all our problems. That time she almost didn't live to tell the tale, but luckily everything ended up all right.
Ernie: (Somewhat scared) Where is that man now?
Sam: In a mental institution, locked up for life. And before that he went to jail to pay for what he did. Don't worry, no one is gonna hurt you or Mommy.
(When they finish, Diane gives each one a kiss on the head and gets up to continue working. Just as Sam and Diane are walking to the bar, an old acquaintance enters. Sam, seeing Gary again, pales a little and takes a step back. Gary, seeing his reaction, laughs)
Gary: Relax, Sam, I'm just visiting. I have absolutely no intention of resuming our old rivalry.
Carla: (Annoyed) What are you doing here?
Gary: I came to spend Christmas with my mother and I stopped by to see how much Cheers had changed. (Seeing the kids) Are they yours?
Diane: Yes.
Gary: Wow, the bowling champ from the '85 tournament is back at Cheers. Well, this bar sure has changed.
Norm: (Entering) Afternoon, everybody.
All: Noooorm!
Diane: Norman.
Gary: I take that back.
Cliff: (Entering) What's he doing here?
Carla: I wish we knew.
Gary: I told you I come in peace. I'd stay for a drink, but I have to drive. Merry Christmas. (Leaves)
Sam: (Frustrated) "Merry"?! "Merry"?! How am I supposed to enjoy Christmas now?!
Diane: Sam, you need to calm down. I don't think Gary is going to do anything this time, especially not on Christmas Eve.
Carla: Didn't Sam update you on the Bar Wars?
Diane: He did.
Ernie: An old enemy, Dad?
Sam: Something like that.
Norm: Gary beat us in every sport there is until your mother saved us a game.
Ernie: (To Sam) And you're supposed to be the sportsman?
Sam: Zip it, Ernie.
Woody: If everything had remained in the sports competitions it would have been great, but after that it was all jokes, fights for the customers...
Carla: Luckily it all finished when Harry played a trick on him and he ended up destroying his own bar (laughs).
Lizzie: That's so cruel!
Sam: That's just what your mother said when I told her.
Ernie: Hey, what if we invite him over to play and beat him again?
(Sam, hearing the boy, opens his eyes wide, as if a light bulb has gone off over his head, and runs out of the bar)
(...)
(An hour later, the Cheers gang is at a baseball field. They are all wearing Red Sox uniforms made especially for them, with their name on the back of the jersey. Since it is winter, they are also wearing a red sweater under the shirt to protect them from the cold. Upon arriving at the field and seeing them, Gary laughs)
Gary: I bet you've been waiting for this moment your whole life.
Sam: The one where I beat you up? Nope. I really had enough of that last time. This is a friendly game anyway.
Gary: With the team you have it couldn't be any other way.
Sam: No, I meant for you. It's one against seven. Anyway, let's get started.
(Norm throws the ball and Gary hits a home run. Watching him, everyone gets a little tense, but they are confident about their team. As Gary switches to the pitcher's spot, Diane gets ready to bat. To Gary's surprise, she hits a home run and gets around all the bases. When she finishes, she shakes the snow off her pants and looks at Gary with a satisfied smirk, just like when she beat him at bowling. When it is Gary's turn to bat, he laughs when he sees that it is Lizzie's turn to pitch. After years of practice, the girl throws the ball so well that Gary cannot hit it to the third ball, but Carla catches the ball before he gets to the second base)
(...)
(Towards the end of the game and with the score Cheers 18, Gary 15 written on a blackboard, Gary deliberately throws Ernie a bad ball to beat Cheers, but to his surprise, Ernie hits the ball on the first try, sending it out of bounds. At the sight of it, everyone jumps up and down in celebration, Sam and Carla high-five, Woody and Diane hug, Norm raises his beer mug in victory, and Cliff grabs Elizabeth with one arm and the trophy with the other)
Gary: (Outraged) This is absurd.
Ernie: (Arrives at the base and looks at Gary with the same satisfied smirk on his face as his mother and father had when they hit home runs) Merry Christmas.
(Together, everyone celebrates and Sam holds Ernie, overjoyed at how he made fun of Gary)
*Author's note. Next episode's cold opening contains a spoiler for Frasier episode 11x11. If you haven't seen it and you don't want spoilers, read only until the phone rings and skip the rest of the scene.