Title: Trash AF
Rating: Teen/PG-13
Pairings: Dean/Castiel
Word Count: 1125
Genre: Trash Talking, Insults, Arguing, Curses, Cursed Dean, Cursed Castiel, SPNColdestHits Challenge

Summary: If you had asked Sam yesterday, he would've said no, he'd never heard an angel and his brother having a trash-talking contest.

Notes/Warnings: Written for SPNColdestHits, a monthly writing challenge where the loser is the winner!

Sam was out of breath by the time he got to the basement, having run down five flights of stairs after he heard the explosion that rocked the building.

"Dean! Cas!" Sam yelled, ignoring the debris and broken glass. "Where are you?!"

Sam heard a groan and hurried toward the back wall of the basement, expecting the worst, but hoping for the best.

"Dean!" Sam cried out when he finally found his brother. "Are you okay?"

Dean blinked up at him. He was flat on his back, covered in dust and broken glass and, well, Sam didn't want to ever speak of what else Dean was covered in.

"Oh, I'm okay," Dean said, sitting up, "but your busted ass couldn't make it down here if my life depended on it. Oh, it did!"

Sam froze. "Huh?"

Dean's eyes widened, and it almost seemed as if he was surprised at what had just come out of his mouth. More surprised than Sam was.

"Uhm, sorry," Dean said, reaching up to take Sam's hand, "I don't know why I said that."

Sam helped Dean up and patted him on the back. "It's okay. Probably another concussion. Any idea where Cas is?"

"Cas and his stupid little trench coat couldn't last a day around me," Dean said with so much sass that Sam was surprised Dean's neck didn't break. "I'd kick his ass clear to Heaven and back before he even had a chance to give me a love tap on the nose."

"Uh, what?" Sam asked, taking a step back and frowning at Dean.

"Oh, no he didn't," Cas said.

Sam turned around, coming face to face with Cas, who appeared to be quite pissed. Sam felt as if he was losing his mind. Cas had his hands on his hips, and if possible, had even more attitude in his voice than Dean.

"Excuse me?" Dean said, puffing his chest out.

"There's no excusing what you said," Cas said, looking down his nose at Dean, even though Dean was taller. "I wonder if your ass is jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth."

Dean rolled his eyes. "Give your mouth and legs a rest and shut them for once."

Cas huffed. "Please. I'd kick you in the ass, but I don't want to lose my shoe."

"Were you born on a highway?" Dean asked. "Because that's where most accidents happen."

Sam backed away and crept up the stairs, not really sure what the hell was going on, but he knew it had something to do with the woman he'd handcuffed and left in the closet upstairs in her apartment.

"Did it hurt when you fell from the whore tree and banged every guy on the way down?" Cas asked.

Sam ran.

She was still in the closet, the look on her face scary enough that anyone who hadn't been to Hell would've backed away.

"I'm going to take you downstairs, and you're going to fix the two idiots who stumbled into your booby trap," Sam said as he hefted her up and led her to the stairwell.

It was slow going because she was too busy laughing to try and concentrate on not falling down the stairs.

"Please," Cas said, sarcasm dripping so heavily Sam swore he could feel it, "if dicks could fly, your mouth would be an airport!"

The witch was laughing so hard there were tears running down her face. "Are... are you sure you want me to fix them?" she asked in between giggles. "This is awesome!"

"I was going to give you a nasty look," Dean said, then gestured toward Cas, "but I see you already have one."

"It's not like they're hurting each other," the woman said

Cas huffed. "It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your momma's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress!"

Dean's eyes widened and he gasped. "Did you just Full Metal Jacket me? I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter comeback than that!"

"Fix them!" Sam hissed in the woman's ear.

She was still giggling. "It's the spray tan. Grab the hose from the sink over there and hose them down. Once the spray tan is diluted, they should stop."

Sam pushed her down to the floor, not being all that rough, but making sure she knew he wasn't pleased. "Stay there."

"It's terrifying to think that humans like you are allowed to breed," Cas said.

Sam hurried to the sink, started the water, and nearly ripped the hose out of the wall, but then he was turning the hose on the two arguing in the middle of the mess in the basement, and they were so shocked by the cold water they, thankfully, stopped trash talking each other and just yelled at Sam.

When he was sure they were both thoroughly wet, he turned the water off. "Well, are you gonna knock it off now?" he asked.

Dean and Cas turned to each other, Dean wincing and Cas looking horrified. "Remember when we said," Dean began, "that there were going to be times when shit like this happened? When we made a pact that if we get whammied and do anything freaky, we all shut the fuck up about it and never speak of it again?"

"Dean, I'm sorry," Cas said, sounding so lost.

"No!" Dean said, pointing at Cas. "This is one of those times! None of that just happened and we will never speak of it ever again. Got it?"

"Oh, that's not happening," Sam said, shaking his head.

Dean scowled at him. "Unless you want me to bring up the month that your dick was cursed and you could only get off by singing show tunes while you played with yourself in the bathroom, you'll shut the fuck up about this."

Sam dropped the hose and headed for the woman. "You win," he mumbled.

Dean grinned. "Thought so."

Sam sighed when he realized the woman was gone. "Figures," he said as he threw his hands up. "I'll be in the car."

"Hey, that was pretty awesome," Dean said to Cas. "Your insults were much better than 'you breed with the mouth of a goat.'"

Sam rolled his eyes and turned around halfway up the stairs, glaring at them. "You two can finish making up once we get back to the bunker. Let's go."

"My shoe doesn't really fit in Dean's ass," Cas said.

"I don't need to know this, Cas," Sam said, starting up the stairs again.

"And there's only one dick that lands in my airport," Dean said proudly.

"Stop it!" Sam yelled as he covered his ears and ran.