Hello everybody,

so here's a little something to sweeten the weekend.
And just in case, we won't read of each others before, see you in 2024 ;-)

Touch starved

-Mihawk-

When he arrived, the Straw Hats were celebrating, as they often did.

It was pure coincidence that their courses overlapped. No, really, he had had an idea of the latitudes in which they were roaming, but in fact he had been traveling because of a meeting with the Red Shanks, but he had already felt those vibrations of a fight in the distance.

Nico Robin was the first to notice him and waved, a glass of wine in her hand, while Roronoa a few feet away was just shoving off the Sniper who had clung to him whiningly.

Between the Straw Hats were many unfamiliar and a few familiar faces, staring at Mihawk with wide eyes, some of them jumping up, not that he would rate any of them as truly interesting.

"Hawk-guy!", Straw Hat greeted him way too loudly and jumped up as well, his entire upper body bandaged, but as always, he was in a much too joyful mood, which at least broke the tension of his comrades-in-arms a bit.

"Straw Hat," Mihawk greeted him, taking a step aside as the young pirate tried to pounce on him, who slammed into a tree to Mihawk's left. "I see that you have been diligent again and have done much mischief."

"We had just some bad luck and were in the wrong place at the wrong time," Roronoa replied, rising. "It's not our fault if every idiot thinks they have to attack us."

Unlike his captain, he showed no injuries, at least not obvious ones, yet he seemed extremely dissatisfied as he trudged up to Mihawk and stopped in front of him.

"I told you, you didn't have to come," he grumbled dismissively.

"How harsh you are," Mihawk remarked with a smile and was not impressed by this bad mood, "but I thought you wanted to tell me about your fight."

"Tze," the other snorted.

"Oh yes! It was really exciting!"

"Get off, Luffy!"

The Straw Hat had recovered and jumped onto Roronoa's back, who tried to shake him off, but without nearly as much success as he had with the Sniper before.

Before Mihawk could stop him, the Straw Hat began to tell him about his fight — not that he had asked — ignoring his crewmate, who was trying to free himself from the rubbery shackles.

"Luffy, give him some air," it came fortunately and of all people from the Chef, who pushed Roronoa and his captain aside to offer Mihawk a tray with various drinks. "Have you eaten anything yet, Hawk Eyes?" Then he turned. "Have you eaten anything yet, Marimo? I've only seen you by the beer barrels!"

"Stop nagging," Roronoa grumbled when he finally managed to free himself from the arms of his captain, but only because the Straw Hat had discovered a new victim and hopped to the Navigator, beaming with joy. "Are you my nanny, or something?"

"Sometimes I really feel that way," replied the other, no less irritated, while Mihawk opted for the freshly made tea; he could feel the beady eyes of Doctor Chopper on him and wanted to avoid any unnecessary discussions. The two brawlers exchanged one or two pleasantries before the Chef finally rushed off to distribute the other drinks.

"Lively as ever," Mihawk commented, then drowned his smile in tea as Roronoa stared him down sourly. He really seemed to be terribly upset.

"And how are you? How was it with Shanks?"

"Just as lively as it is here, I would say. Luckily, Beckman had other plans, otherwise they would have accompanied me." At a leisurely pace, they walked along the edge of the spectacle towards the seats and buffet. In the meantime, most eyes that had observed Mihawk were now occupied elsewhere and already Mihawk disliked all the hustle and bustle and the loud confusion of voices. "But I will only be able to stay this evening. Not that it would bother you, right?"

Roronoa froze for a second, then looked up at Mihawk suspiciously. "If you have something to say, say it. You know I don't understand your weird games." Then he turned to the buffet and took far too many rice balls.

"Roronoa, look at me."

At first the other did not respond, then he snorted softly, lo the plate, and looked over at Mihawk.

"What?"

"I could ask you. I am well aware that you are not the type for effusive greetings – luckily – but after not seeing each other for so long, I find your welcome to be somewhat... unexpected."

He could see how these words surprised the other. He quickly lowered his eyes and rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand.

"I'm sorry," he murmured, "I didn't mean it that way. I'm just tired and in a bad mood, that's all."

"That, at least, is more than obvious," Mihawk sighed, turning to the buffet as well, though he was not really hungry, "and all the more surprising. Did you not have a fight, so should you not be at least as cheerful as your captain?"

"Oh, I screwed up," the other waved off, put two more rice balls on his mountain, and then tapped himself a beer. "In the end, I didn't do anything and had to be freed by the others."

Oh, that explained a lot, of course.

"Would you like to talk about it?" Mihawk offered, following Roronoa to a table set apart where they were a little more by themselves. Most of the time, Roronoa liked to work through the mistakes of past battles with him.

"Not really," Roronoa shook his head and dropped onto a chair with a soft grunt. "But that's why I'm in a bad mood and you really don't need to deal with that."

"Oh, you do not have to worry about that. As you may recall, I am not only willing, but also very adept at putting up with you even on bad days." With a smile, he sat down next to the younger one.

To his surprise, Roronoa blushed, lowering his gaze, and muttering a barely audible "thank you" before starting to devour his rice balls.

Extremely interesting, but now that Mihawk knew what he was dealing with, he could handle the situation easily.

"Well, if you like, we can talk about something, I could tell you about my extremely exhausting meeting with Redhair, or we can just watch your friends in united silence."

The other snorted softly. "I really don't like it when you're in such a mood," he grumbled.

"You have always been a bad liar."

"You took a detour of a whole day to sit with me in silence?"

Mihawk did not even look up from his food. As expected, it tasted very good.

"I took a detour of almost a day to spend some time with you for the first time in weeks. What we do or not do is secondary. I would love to offer you a fight, but this densely populated archipelago is certainly not a suitable place for that, and I do not have enough time."

"To be honest, I don't even feel like fighting today," Roronoa grumbled, the bad liar he was.

So they were silent and it was pleasant. Eventually, Jinbei and Nico Robin joined them and Roronoa did not seem to mind, so he sat there in silence and ate while Mihawk talked to them, exchanging important news and information, as they often did.

Cutty Fram also came over, but of course he did not read between the lines and simply smacked Roronoa's back, whereupon Roronoa rudely slapped his hand away, which the cyborg did not resent at all, but sat down next to them laughing loudly.

In fact, Mihawk noticed that most of the Straw Hats had large and small scratches, wraps, and bandages, only Roronoa seemed to be completely unharmed. No wonder he was in a bad mood. Not so much because he had had to be helped, but rather because he had not been able to help, had not been able to prevent injuries.

But none of the others seemed to hold it against him. Maybe they did not even notice his negative mood, although the three who were sitting at the table seemed to notice. No, the longer Mihawk watched the crew, the more certain he became that they had all noticed, but they had a different way of dealing with it. Unlike him, they did not address such things directly, but rather acted unconsciously intuitively or consciously subtly. But in Roronoa's case, of course, this was wasted effort.

He was still sitting between them and eating one rice ball after the other, he looked quite exhausted, dark circles under his eyes were visible and he was also a bit pale, as if he had slept unusually little the past few days even by his standards, but obviously he wanted to be present, so the others at the table exchanged meaningful glances about it and talked about other things. And indeed, it turned out to be a pleasant evening. Cutty Fram sometimes got a little noisy and the party mood of the others was habitually annoying, but somehow Mihawk had come to enjoy these evenings – and that was probably what surprised him the most – and even when the Chef joined in and handed out wine, he accepted it. Roronoa was right, they did not really have anything in common, but they both appreciated and recognized quality.

Doctor Chopper also came over at some point, jumped onto Roronoa's lap and explained to him with quiet tears, which seemed more like the act of a pouting child to Mihawk, that someone had called him an emergency ration and a substitute schnitzel. Mihawk was still wondering whether the young doctor was accusing his own captain, while Roronoa pushed him onto the chair beside him and spoke to him as rarely softly as he only did with the youngest member of the crew.

However, he ended his conciliatory words by remarking that Doctor Chopper's meat was far too chewy for a good schnitzel and laughed out loud as the young doctor turned to Nico Robin, now actually in tears.

But Mihawk did not miss it, that brief glance that the clever archaeologist also gave Roronoa, whose laugh was a tad too harsh, his words a tad too mean, before he turned to his beer. Then her eyes were on Mihawk. How did she dare! Of course, he was not going to just ignore this, he needed neither her request nor her invitation for that.

"Roronoa," he turned to his partner as he finished his drink, "I have something on board that I would like to give you before I leave. Would you like to accompany me to my ship for a moment?"

Roronoa looked at him briefly, then groaned softly, "If I have to." Ponderously, he rose to his feet. "But it better not be some stupid ploy to get me into bed! I really don't feel like that today."

Everyone at the table stared at Mihawk, and he felt his cheeks flush. Nico Robin and the Chef hid a smirk behind their glasses, while Cutty Fram grinned openly at him and gave him a thumbs up as if he wanted to support him mentally, and Jinbei was obviously as uncomfortable as Mihawk was at that moment.

"Oh please." Mihawk took a deep breath and turned. "As if I needed such unnecessary games."

"Okay, fine."

So they left the table and the celebration.

"Did you have to say that in front of everyone?" grumbled Mihawk, still ashamed.

"Huh? What's your problem now?" Roronoa snorted, rolling his eye. "Man, you're exhausting."

"You know that I prefer to reserve certain actions and topics of conversation for the private as much as possible," Mihawk replied, noticing how Roronoa's bad mood was slowly influencing his own. He had hoped that the previous evening would relax the other a bit, but apparently he was wrong. "You may not mind, but I am quite uncomfortable with intimacy in public."

"Like I said, you're exhausting," Roronoa grumbled as they slowly left the party behind and the world became calmer. "On one hand, you want to have your title, clear deeds of mine, and to kiss you in public, if I remember correctly," he continued, with a bad imitation of Mihawk. "On the other hand, if I do anything like that, you get upset and either complain or act like the world's going to end, or both. I have no idea what you want from me, but you're really exhausting and it's annoying, understood?"

Mihawk stopped.

"What now?" Enraged, Roronoa whirled around to him.

He stared at the younger, noticing how his throat tightened uncomfortably. But he had to remain objective, not let it get to him too much. So Mihawk took a deep breath and then walked straight past the other, could hear him snorting loudly.

"What the hell is going on?"

"You are particularly harsh in your choice of words today, and I want to avoid provoking any more rejection," Mihawk said, moving on. Luckily, they had almost reached the small pier, depending on Roronoa's reaction, he did not know how much longer he could stick to his plan. The other, however, only took a deep breath as if to say something, but then remained silent.

A big step later, he was aboard his ship, could hear Roronoa following him as he kicked his throne back. He had misjudged his strength and the throne slammed against the hinges. He breathed in softly, he needed to calm down, angry emotions would only get in the way of what was to come.

Roronoa behind him was about to say something, but again he did not and that was probably better for the both of them. Without another word, Mihawk descended, turned on the little light below, and stepped aside as Roronoa followed him downstairs.

He had to come up with something, as tense as the air was at the moment, his plan could simply not succeed.

"I'm sorry." Mihawk froze. He had not expected Roronoa to speak, and certainly not these words. "I hit the wrong note and said things I shouldn't have said. Sometimes I forget how important words are to you."

Mihawk had his back turned to the other. For whatever reason, this apology made it even harder for him not to get emotional.

"I have to apologize too," he said without turning around. "I am well aware that I am not an easy person, Roronoa. I try to communicate clearly and directly with you, but still it sometimes happens that I take certain things for granted that are unknown or at least odd to you. I am aware that my... let me say complex character does not always make sense in your simple worldview, and accordingly my behavior must be unexpected and possibly even quite exhausting for you."

For a moment there was silence between them.

"Well, that's quite a lot of words to say that I'm just too simple to understand your complex character," the other sighed self-deprecatingly. "But honestly, it is difficult. I wish you had a fucking instruction manual."

This made Mihawk smile.

"Not that you would read it voluntarily. But maybe you'd take a look at the pictures."

The other snorted, the mood was finally a little more relaxed again.

"So, will you explain it to me?" Roronoa then asked. "What's your problem when I talk about our relationship, even though you do it all the time?"

Actually, this had not been part of his plan, but well, if they were already there. In addition, this conversation could serve as a transition or distraction. Mihawk turned to the other, who was standing with his arms crossed, his cheeks flushed slightly, which was quite unusual.

"There are certain areas within our relationship that I do not think belong in the public domain," he said. "This includes, in particular... certain expressions of... tenderness as well as other..."

Roronoa shook his head. "You're going to have to say it. I have no idea what you mean by expressions of tenderness."

Mihawk sighed and felt uncomfortably warm.

"I would be grateful if you could refrain from talking about our sex life in the presence of strangers and accordingly refrain from physical contact such as kissing and the like. These are things that I think are too intimate, does this make sense to you?"

Roronoa looked at him inexplicably before finally nodding and shrugging at the same time.

"Not really, but for all I care, I'll try."

"Thank you very much, I really appreciate that you want to be considerate of my difficult character." Mihawk approached the other and laid his hand on his shoulder as if casually, almost as a token of the tenderness that was rare between them. Before he could even touch Roronoa, however, Roronoa slapped his hand away and flinched back.

"What's that all about?" Roronoa grumbled, again so defensively. "Didn't you just say you don't like that kind of stuff?"

"No, I did not, and you know that," Mihawk replied absolutely relaxed, tilting his head slightly; now the games would begin. "Well, it is time to talk about why I lured you here. Because, in fact, I lied to you, I do not have anything for you, I just did not want the two of us to be disturbed for the upcoming conversation."

"You did what?!" Roronoa growled, and instantly he became even more angry than Mihawk had expected. "What the hell do you think...?"

"That is what I ask you, Roronoa. What in God's name are you hiding?!"

The other took a step back, obviously surprised by Mihawk's insistence.

"Do you really think I would not notice? Please, even the most obtuse of your crewmates have, but once again you think you are acting subtly."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Roronoa blocked directly.

"Oh, it is obvious what you are doing. I know you well, Roronoa. So, I will give you the choice. Do you want me to tell you in detail how I — and not just me, but your entire crew — could tell that something is bothering you, or can we just jump straight to the point where you tell me what is bothering you?" Unimpressed, he withstood the stunned look. "As we both know, sooner or later you are going to do it one way or another, and even if you are understandably angry with me right now, you will feel better afterwards, so please, forgive me for my wayward actions and just talk to me."

It was a new tactic he tried, not exactly low risk, but probably much more efficient. Roronoa stared at him almost expressionlessly, and yet Mihawk could see his mind rattling. Of course, he was angry, Mihawk had once again manipulated and lied to him, now wanted to push him to do something that made him uncomfortable, and moreover skip a legitimate argument, it was almost outrageously brazen of Mihawk; Roronoa's already prevalent bad mood did the rest.

For several long seconds, almost minutes, the silence reigned, before the other finally averted his gaze with a snort, a sign of his surrender, even though he did not even know it yet.

"You really lost your mind. There's nothing, okay? And even if, after this bullshit I..."

"Roronoa, look at me."

The younger one rolled his eye but followed his request. Mihawk met that biting gaze very calmly, could see how many emotions were being tightly controlled, so unusual for his partner.

Again Roronoa snorted and again he looked away, again he was silent.

With a gentle smile, Mihawk sat down on the edge of his bed.

"It does not matter if you need some more time. I can wait."

"Didn't you want to leave by sunset?" the other grumbled coldly and crossed his arms.

"I should, but of course I cannot leave while you are in such a state. I would have to trust that your crew will take care of your problems and as you can see, their actions are as always too subtle and time-consuming, which carries far too great a risk should you be attacked again soon. No, no, I do not want to have to rely on them to take care of your needs in a timely manner."

"Tze, what the hell… I'm not a dog that needs to be taken on a walk."

"No, of course not, and yet I feel responsible when you squirm with colic. So I would rather go outside with you myself, even if it is raining."

He received an angry look from the other, which he met with a smile. For a long time, he withstood this gaze, which slowly changed before Roronoa gave in and shook his head slightly.

"I don't want to talk about it," he finally admitted.

"I am well aware of that," replied Mihawk, gently, "and yet you are still here, and not storming away in rage."

He did not say any more, waited, letting silence do the work of persuasion while he watched Roronoa. He was still standing there, next to the ladder, his arms crossed, but with each passing second, his gaze lowered a little more before Roronoa stared at the ground, no, not the ground, but his own hands, which he almost tried to hide in the crooks of his arms.

Only his breath and the gentle greeting of the waves could be heard, otherwise it was terribly quiet, but once again Roronoa's stoic nature showed itself, because he did not give in. Until Mihawk had already reached the point of embarking on a new path.

"I killed Chopper."

Like an ominous prophecy, these words wafted between them, and they touched Mihawk's cold heart.

"I see," he replied gently, "of course, such nightmares must..."

"It wasn't a dream."

He looked up in surprise, Roronoa still had his eyes down.

"Would you like to explain this to me? At the little festivity just now, Doctor Chopper seemed quite alive, so..."

He did not finish the sentence but waited. Roronoa took several breaths before opening his arms, and rubbing his hands and joints, as if to force the muscles to relax.

"It was... I don't know, some weird devil power – I think, or something like that – tricked… or manipulated or something… mind and senses. Robin got caught after me too, but she must have seen through it and kind of knocked this guy out, but I..." He shook his head.

"It was a mirage?" asked Mihawk.

"No, it was real. It felt so real. Even now..." Roronoa looked at him, and Mihawk could see the horror in that face. "It wasn't like an illusion or a dream. I... I was fighting with this guy, and it was the same as always, but suddenly... He was behind him and I... I didn't notice him and..." He only made a cutting motion with his flat hand. "He was warm, his fur so... soft and he... said... I could hear his... heart stop beating."

With quivering lips, Roronoa lowered his eyes, crossed his arms, and Mihawk understood. No wonder Roronoa behaved this way. He would probably survive if he killed Mihawk one day, even one of his crewmembers, if someone had to, maybe Roronoa could even cope with killing his own captain in time, but the young Doctor Chopper...

"When Robin dissolved it," Roronoa continued, his voice hollow with false rationality. "It... it wasn't like waking up suddenly, it wasn't like when the power of Perona's ghosts fades, it's..."

"It is still real," Mihawk speculated. "Rationally thinking, you may know that it did not happen, that Doctor Chopper was fine, but it did happen. He died and you... you are trying to function even though you are still in shock, even though you are still grieving."

Roronoa shook his head slightly. "No, I... I know Chopper is fine and I... It's not that."

Oh, now Mihawk understood his strange behavior. Not because he was grieving, now it made sense.

"Roronoa, please, come here."

The other stared at him suspiciously but came to him.

"Put your hands on my shoulders."

"Why? What's the point?"

"Just humor me."

He could see the other's little struggle before finally reluctantly resting his hands on Mihawk's shoulders, almost putting them down.

"It is all right, Roronoa, I can carry the weight of your hands."

But the tension remained, so Mihawk helped. Before Roronoa could withdraw his arms, he gripped both of his wrists tightly and pressed Roronoa's hands on his own shoulders.

"What are you doing?" Roronoa growled, fighting his grip. "Cut the crap!"

Mihawk let Roronoa fight a little longer, then he squeezed harder.

"And now tell me what you perceive."

"What?! Mihawk, seriously, what the...?"

"Concentrate and tell me what you perceive. Do you hear my heartbeat, do you feel your blood flow, do you sense the presence of your crew out there partying uninhibitedly?"

Roronoa stared at him, while Mihawk did not let go, could read as much in that face as Roronoa usually never allowed.

"And now," he said calmly, "tell me, did you sense all that at that moment? Your opponent's heartbeat, your own blood flow, Doctor Chopper's presence?"

Roronoa did not say anything, but he did not need to.

"There is no need be afraid of your strength, Roronoa, it was not a misconduct on your part. It was not a loss of control. Devil powers may be able to accomplish many things, but they cannot feign life energy where there is none. The reason your attack hit him was because the devil power was supposed to make you believe that you were hitting him. And the reason you did not notice him in time is that he was not there, so you could not have noticed him."

Roronoa stared at him for a second more, then closed his eye and lowered his head, his hands held in place by Mihawk. Almost trembling, he took a breath, and it seemed as if he had not breathed at all for the past few minutes.

"Why didn't I notice?" he asked quietly.

"Do not judge too harshly. It is understandable that you trusted your other senses, and after knowing that it was not reality, you naturally stopped questioning your perception. And why should you, it would have been a wasted effort."

And then the other's hands finally sank on Mihawk's shoulders, and Roronoa seemed to be leaning on him as he continued to breathe deeply. Mihawk let go of him and just watched him.

"Sometimes I feel really stupid," grumbled the other, obviously annoyed with himself.

"There are a lot of moments when you do not exactly shine with intelligence, but this one is not one of them," he reassured him.

"You're really bad at this," came the dry reaction, before Roronoa withdrew his hands with a sigh and then dropped onto the bed next to Mihawk. "How did you notice it?" he asked more calmly and slammed his head against Mihawk's shoulder, staying seated next to him just like that.

"Have you not realized how unusual you have behaved?" said Mihawk.

"Would I ask otherwise?" Roronoa sounded tired, dissatisfied as he knocked his temple against Mihawk's shoulder again, but still relieved.

Mihawk looked at his hands for a moment, searching for the right words to explain it.

"Do you know what I noticed in your relationship with your crewmates? I have always found it quite remarkable how much physical contact there is between you."

"Please don't tell me you're getting jealous over some shitty..."

"It is just an observation, Roronoa. I believe that your crewmembers feel comfortable with you and therefore seek your closeness, be it in good moments but also when there is a need for security, even during tension or in a bad mood, and I believe that always letting this happen is a sign of your affection towards them. You cannot open to others easily and show affection more subtly, demanding it even more subtly, if at all. Many of your crewmembers are different, it is much easier for them to show affection as well as to demand it. And that is why this strange symbiosis works, do you agree with me?"

Roronoa snorted softly, "I don't know, could be. I don't think I've ever thought about that."

"Of course not, but that is why it was obvious that something was wrong, because today your behavior was different. You have shied away from any physical contact, no matter by whom. At first, I was not sure, but now I know it was not because you wanted to reject them or me, no, but because you were unable to tolerate the affection of others, am I right? Maybe you were even afraid of accidentally hurting someone because you did not trust yourself anymore, after all, you still had in mind what you had done."

Roronoa was silent.

"But your behavior was counterproductive. The more you withdrew, the more they reached out, whether it was your captain, Doctor Chopper, or even Cutty Fram. But you could not handle it. Maybe you even wanted to be close to them, even needed them, but you could not ask, had to set yourself apart because you had experienced something they could not understand and even if you had told them, they do not know how it feels. You could not have told them, so I had to push you instead of giving you time, as they often do, because I knew you would be able to tell me."

Now he sat there, Roronoa still leaning against him, silent. Had he said too much? Had he become too intimate in the analysis of Roronoa's behavior and feelings towards his crew? No matter why Roronoa remained silent, Mihawk knew he was right.

"In summary, you still behave the same way you used to when something is bothering you. You keep your distance and try to work it out with yourself. It would be so much easier if you reached out to someone."

"Well, I guess I've got you for that," it came from Roronoa tonelessly, without him moving, before he sighed and sounded a bit harsher again. "You really worry about a lot of things. I don't think I'm that complicated."

That made Mihawk smile. "Well, if not, why don't you just tell me what I can do to make you feel better?"

Silence.

"Just stay like this," came the reply, which could mean so many things, "just stay sitting here like this."

Smiling, Mihawk accepted. "With pleasure, if it is only that."

So he sat there and crossed his legs, closed his eyes and enjoyed the weight on his shoulder.

"So I managed to get you into bed after all," he grinned.

"Asshole," grumbled the other, but Mihawk could hear his grin. "Don't you have to leave?"

"Oh, you know how much I love to keep others waiting. An impressive prelude requires you to be late. So I am in no hurry."

He did not get a reply, but that did not surprise him either. He did not even need a glance to know that Roronoa had fallen asleep. So he had been right, his poor little frog had been starved to death, but neither fighting, alcohol, nor food could have satisfied his hunger. But now that he got his fill, he could finally sleep.

"Sometimes you are your own worst enemy, my dear Roronoa," he whispered before lowering his head against Roronoa's and closing his eyes. He, too, had been hungry without knowing it. Well, maybe he should stay the night and recharge his batteries.