Summer spent quite a while out on the deck beneath the stars, her arms folded atop the wooden railing as she tried to figure out when the last time she had thrown up was. After vomiting hard and long enough to be painful down beneath Shade Academy, her stomach had been left with an achy, dry feeling that persisted all throughout the evening. The lingering sensation had spurred her to consider the question, and though she was making absolutely no progress in arriving at an answer, she kept her mind laser-focused upon it as she stared out at the empty beach.
Anything was more pleasant to think about than the entire situation surrounding Salem and her potential role in the seemingly inevitable war.
None of her friends really understood what she was feeling. On a surface level, she knew that they knew that the amount of pressure upon her shoulders was immense, and that the feeling of personal responsibility involved was soul-crushing. Despite that rather easily grasped concept, though, what really bothered Summer was something else. Something she didn't dare say aloud lingered at the edge of her thoughts, visible in her mind's eye as an indistinct, flittering shadow dancing around the border of her consciousness. Summer could feel it more than see it… though she was occasionally 'blessed' with fleeting visions of a far-off future that may or may not come true.
It was one thing to hear that the world was ending, and only by defeating Salem could it the process be stopped. It was another entirely to know that the world was ending down in her very core. Summer had witnessed blackened landscapes of ooze and bone in brief flashes, and tasted the sky choked by smoke and brimstone. She had felt the tendrils of grimm winding up along her body and suffocating her as she watched her friends die in battle, one by one. Salem's words came to her in a voice unfamiliar, echoing in the back of her mind as she listened to the white witch convince some of Summer's fellow hunters to join the other side.
As time went on, the visions began to bleed into her dreams, and she was losing sleep. That same lack of sleep only made her feel more paranoid, and she was rapidly reaching the point of feeling as though it would be a matter of days, not years or decades or centuries, before Salem would make herself known to the world. Everything felt so real and overwhelming in a way that Summer couldn't possibly explain to her friends. No amount of heart-to-heart discussions with Willow or running topless on the beach with Kali would take those feelings away, or take her mind off of the inevitable. None of it mattered, and Summer couldn't bring herself to say it aloud to any of them.
That was why she so often retreated to be alone with her thoughts whenever a problem needed solving within Team STRQ. Despite her outward, bubbly mood and optimism, Summer always arrived at the same conclusion. Nothing mattered. In a way, it was almost like a little safety net she had crafted for herself- if nothing ever mattered in the long run, then how could she screw things up in any permanent way? There would always be a path forward, and something would come along and correct the course of her life in time. She had never considered what that course was heading toward, until she had learned about Salem, at which point everything mattered if there was a way to divert the intangible concept of 'fate'. Or did nothing matter even more, knowing that they were all on a collision course with an unkillable monster? It was a question that Summer knew she would never be able to answer, and one that she didn't want to discuss with anyone.
At the end of the day, more than anything else, she just didn't want any of her friends to feel like she did, or have to grapple with the feeling of nausea that seemed omnipresent in her body every time she began to think about the future. They deserved to be happy. They needed to stay ignorant of the truth. They needed to be safe from her, and the feeling of despair that her company would bring them if they could see beyond her smile.
The sliding glass door opened behind Summer, and she hung her head while letting out a sigh. She wasn't ready for company. There was no point in discussing the situation- she had no more information than any of the others, and she didn't want someone to try to cheer her up. Worst of all was the fact that, at least temporarily, some of her friends had a decent shot at making her feel better… and being in a decent mood would feel wrong. More often than not, she was left feeling guilty rather than better after someone succeeded in propping her back up.
"…quite a storm cloud hanging over your head. May I offer an umbrella?"
At first, Summer didn't even recognize the speaker. She had only heard the deep, contemplative voice a few times, and never had it been quite so subdued and sympathetic. It was usually filled with a confident, reassuring quality that seemed entirely absent as its owner made their way across the deck.
"Ghira?" Summer finally figured out as she glanced over her shoulder to look at the massive faunus. "I'm fine, I'm just…"
Ghira waited for Summer to finish as he stood at her side and rested his forearms upon the railing. He absolutely towered over her, to the point that it would have been almost comical had her mood not been so dire. The waiting game was agonizing, and eventually, Summer transitioned to resting her chin upon the wooden railing as she continued.
"…not."
"Mm," Ghira mused. "Your friends were insistent that I leave you to your own devices out here, and that retreating to consider problems alone was your preferred method of dealing with things."
"So… why didn't you?" Summer asked, her tone carrying more annoyance than she intended. "No offense, I just…"
"None taken," Ghira insisted. "After Professor Gumo walked us through the situation regarding Salem and our potential involvement in supporting your teams, Fox… informed me that Beacon seems to be lacking in actual support systems for its upcoming hunters."
Summer wrinkled her nose, not fully understanding what the man meant.
"…I dunno, the professors seem nice enough, and I've got my friends. I'll figure it out."
"You're spiraling," Ghira accused, though there was no malice in the statement. "Retreating to brood alone when surrounded by friends willing to help shoulder the burden isn't a healthy approach to a problem, particularly a life-changing one."
Finally, Summer started to feel something- a small spark of annoyance flared as her shoulders tensed.
"They wouldn't understand."
"And why not?" Ghira probed. "Because of your status as a Maiden?"
"Because of my status as a leader," Summer emphasized. "And becoming a Maiden just makes me a leader of more people, once we end up on a battlefield."
"Then might I understand, being a leader of my own team?" Ghira asked. "Would Bartholomew?"
Summer finally looked up at the faunus as she considered the question. It was a fair and important one, and the speed at which she arrived at an answer unsettled her. The answer itself did, as well.
"…Barty wouldn't get it," Summer said flatly. "I feel… really bad saying that, but it's true. I love him, and he's a great friend, but he's… he's not really about people as much as logic, laws, codes, that kind of thing. I mean, he is about people, but he can only unravel puzzles that make sense, you know? Nothing about what I'm feeling or this situation makes any sense, and I can't deal with him droning on and on about how we need to test things and isolate problems or variables or whatever to try to approach the fact that I can see into the future with logic."
"Is it these… 'visions' causing most of your despair?" Ghira asked, giving the girl his full attention. "A feeling of helplessness?"
"Yeah, I mean… no?" Summer tried as she stood up straight and shook her head. "Kinda? It's not even all bad. I've seen some wild things, and they may not even come true. I try not to put too much stock into them, because I don't even know the limits of my own power…"
"What sorts of wild things?" Ghira tried, unable to contain his curiosity.
"…children of multiple people," Summer answered. "My own. Raven's. Willow's. I've even seen…"
Ghira slowly raised a brow as Summer's eyes widened. She seemed to be looking at him as if they had never met before, or some puzzle piece had finally clicked in her mind upon analyzing his face.
"…yes?"
"Nothing," Summer said as she quickly looked away. "Just… nothing. Forget I brought it up. I don't want to talk about it anymore."
"As you wish," Ghira relented, hiding his dissatisfaction with the answer. "What else were you alluding to, if your primary concern isn't with these powers?"
Summer pulled a frown and turned around before hopping up to sit upon the railing. She was still shorter than Ghira, though they were much closer to eye level.
"…this stays between us?"
"Of course," the man confirmed.
"I hate being a leader," Summer admitted. "I've struggled with it since I got the job, if you want to call it that… but it's not about the additional responsibility. It's not about having more work. It's about… how everything I do affects all of them. STRQ and OKRA and Willow all come to me for answers like I'm special or something, and they were doing it before they even knew about my Semblance, or… not-Semblance. Now that I'm a Maiden, it's only going to become more frequent and get worse and… I don't want to let them down. I don't want to be the one constantly telling them that everything's going to hell and that I don't have any hope. I need all of them, and they need me, and I just… I can't give them what I wish I could."
Ghira nodded, maintaining his neutrality as he waited for Summer to finish. Then, with great care, he spoke in the most comforting voice he could manage.
"…is it not a greater disservice to them to ponder what is affecting you all alone, and then pretend to emerge enlightened as though you came to an answer all on your own? If you are truly struggling to find solutions alone and resistant to telling them the truth of the matter, will that not hurt them more in the end?"
Summer could only stare as she took in a deep breath.
"…okay, so I'm just gonna go ahead and flip backwards off this deck, and I don't want you to try to catch me…"
"Summer," Ghira said, sounding unamused. "You cannot simply run away from unpleasantries. The world and its misfortunates move faster than any of us, and you stand a better chance at resisting the impact they will cause if you band together with those you trust… and those who trust you. Your misery is self-fulfilling, and kicking the ball of leadership down the road isn't serving you or them."
"I know!" Summer said, clearly frustrated. "But… all of their lives are so much harder, so much more full of struggle than mine, but I'm the one that's starting to fall apart, and I feel… I feel so guilty complaining and being unable to handle things, and…"
"Suffering is not a contest," Ghira interjected. "Your greatest responsibility, now more than ever, is not to Team STRQ- it is to yourself. If you cannot stand against your own demons, what chance do you have at helping the rest of them slay theirs?"
"So, what do I do?" Summer asked. "Just… go tell all of them that I have no idea what I'm doing, and that I need help?"
"Yes," Ghira said immediately. "That is exactly what you do. Then, you take a vacation to Vacuo, realize that the world isn't ending in the next few weeks, relax, and figure out what it is you need to be the leader that STRQ deserves."
"How do I figure out what I need?" Summer asked, feeling more pressured than ever.
"It is easier to do so with a friend," Ghira advised as he extended a hand. "Come. Let us go for a walk, and simply… learn more about each other. I may be able to advise you from there."
Summer stared at the hand in silence for a moment before gripping it and sliding down off the railing to the surface of the deck.
"…I'm sorry for being such a pain in the ass."
"Hardly," Ghira reassured as he began to walk Summer toward the staircase leading to the beach. "Sometimes, we must simply… reach a breaking point, before doing something for ourselves that few others would understand. When you find those that do… keep them close. They'll be the ones to stand with you against the entirety of the world, even as they tell you that you are wrong."
Author's Note:
Early update for the week of 12/25.
Next time- back to Adam.
-RD