So far things had gone relatively smoothly. Maria had been comforting herself with that thought for the last hour.
She hadn't spilled or broken anything, the children were behaving like angels, no one was screaming or running around.
Although about five minutes ago she had a not quite pleasant dialogue with an elderly lady in a strange green dress, which she would like to forget as soon as possible:
The lady asked how she was getting on at the von Trapp villa. When Maria confessed that it was the best summer of her life, the lady only smiled condescendingly. Then came the question about the children and how she managed to cope with them all, Maria proudly replied that they were no trouble at all and she adored each of them as much as they adored her, that was the secret.
"What a bold statement. My dear, you are clearly not their first, much less their last governess."
The words were like a slap in the face.
She hadn't thought about it until today, but: would they remember her. Would they keep her in their memories.
They reminisce about their previous governesses, not in a flattering way of course, but they do. Maria, for example, knows for sure that governess number five left after she had a worm in her tea (Kurt's idea), and governess number eight left after she found a viper in her bathtub (Louisa's idea this time).
A couple of months later, Maria will suffer the same fate and her memories will be limited to a story about a frog in her pocket and a pine cone.
She quickly mumbled an apology and hurried to the children.
No. It's all nonsense Maria. They love you. You're just nervous.
Putting aside all the negatives, she tried to keep an eye on the children. And just in time, because Liesl was reaching for the champagne glasses with great determination, and Marta was trying to get under the table, while Kurt and Louisa were having another argument.
All of this she was doing was mostly desperate attempts to get all the kids in a pile. They were trying to behave good, she believed they were trying. It's all nerves and lots of people.
That wasn't the only thing she was worried about. Along with everything else she craved was to keep a low profile. And so far, she was doing just fine. She was glad that the guests didn't care much for the governess who occasionally appeared near the children. And that strange woman never came near her again, lost somewhere in the crowd, and it could not but please Maria.
But at the same time, a strange feeling tormented her. It was not sadness, but something else altogether.
She realised that in all the commotion she had not seen the captain all day.
In the morning, at breakfast, they had exchanged greetings, and then he had left, announcing to everyone that he had some urgent business. At lunchtime, he stayed in his office. And now, during the reception, he was too busy greeting the guests.
The Baroness stood beside him, her elegant figure wrapped in gold cloth. Maria admired her from afar, knowing full well that she should never have dreamed of such a thing.
She mentally scolded herself. Reminding herself that today she was wearing a dress that she thought was one of the most beautiful dresses she had ever worn. And it was one of the few dresses she hadn't made herself.
The children had given it to her. That fact made it a thousand times more beautiful than any dress in the house.
The day before the party she was given the day off, and the captain and all his family went into town. All the day then she spent in the garden, hiding in the arbour with a book. She allowed herself to skip lunch, and enjoyed the day in the silence that, contrary to popular belief, she sometimes needed.
No one said a word to her then, though she caught the strange smiles and looks on the faces of her charges. They all seemed to share some common secret that was not available to her. She decided to play outside the rules, since they had decided to conspire, she hoped to outwit them. As subtly as she could, she questioned Marta and Gretl, but the girls held firm and gave her nothing.
In the evening, when she had put everyone to bed and entered her room, she saw on her bed a bundle tied with a blue ribbon. It contained a beautiful dress; she had never worn anything like it. Simple and practical, and yet so beautiful.
She wondered if the captain had helped the children in choosing her outfit.
Just as the thought occurred to her, the Baroness approached the Captain and whispered something in his ear. He laughed, patting her gently on the arm. Maybe his laughter was what made Maria imagine herself in the Baroness' shoes for a second. How she would be standing beside him, whispering something in his ear.
But she wasn't a baroness, she was a governess. That was how her evening would have gone, relatively quiet, in the shadows, in her musings. She disturbed no one, and no one was going to disturb her.
She left the children on the terrace for a moment, and disappeared behind the hedge. For some reason everything seemed strange today. Something hung in the air, foreboding trouble.
She wandered back and forth aimlessly for a while longer, until she realised that she had clearly left the children alone for too long. It wasn't that she didn't trust them (Friedrich had nearly knocked over some very distinguished guest, but she tried not to remember that), but she felt she was neglecting her duties by hiding so shamelessly from the world. She headed towards them, following the sound of children's laughter.
And then she heard the familiar sounds of the landler.
So, in an instant, she was showing Kurt long-forgotten steps. How long it had been since she had danced. And then the captain's face appeared before her, a gentle smile touching his lips as he held out his hand to her. She'd been thinking about him most of the evening, and here he was in front of her. How could she refuse him. Not when every part of her, everything in her craved only one thing, his attention.
The way he looks at her, how close and yet how far away from her he is. He gives her those fleeting smiles, those warm glances and it makes her feel ungrateful. She wants more, she craves more.
She wondered if he felt what she felt. Whether he realises how fiercely she craves his attention. Maria hoped that at least he was enjoying himself. She was definitely enjoying herself.
But at the same time, she knew she wasn't enough for what he had to offer her right now. Maria knows that the moment she accepted his hand, accepted his invitation to dance, nothing will ever be the same. It seemed such a cliché, and yet, in her wildest dreams, she imagined one day being in his arms like that.
She remembered how his arms had felt that night when he'd saved her from falling because of her stupidity. It felt different now. His touch had lasted long enough for her to savour it.
They were one now. Her body repeated the movements of the dance almost machine-like, she didn't even think about what her hands and feet were doing, while her thoughts wandered around one thing.
Everything about this moment was beautiful. The music that surrounded them, beckoning them, the light evening breeze that swirled with them.
She dared not even hope that one day, someone would ask her to dance just like that. But she was sure that there was only one person who could do it, and she would certainly not refuse. And so, that person asked her to dance.
Maria dissolved into the moment. Nothing made sense now, she forgot that seven pairs of curious eyes were watching them. That at any moment, anyone could interrupt them, that this was not appropriate behaviour. The captain and the governess. They shouldn't have danced like that. But none of that mattered. Not now, it didn't. Rarely did she get an opportunity like this. She decided to savour this moment to the full. She could feel the heat of his palms even through the thick layer of gloves.
I wonder how his skin would feel.
Minutes turned into hours. But a smile slowly began to roll off her lips. It was beautiful, but it was too much. Too much of him. She couldn't take it all in.
He was ahead of her. She reached out a hand to his shoulder. A second, and they were standing in close proximity. Facing each other. So close.
Had she ever been this close to anyone before? It wasn't just a question of physical intimacy, but emotional intimacy as well.
He understood her without words. She saw herself in his gaze as clearly as she saw herself in the reflection of the mirror. She saw herself in his eyes, and she wanted to stay in them.
She felt like she couldn't breathe. She lacked air, she lacked space. As if in a trance, Maria stepped away from him.
"I don't remember anymore."
She was sure that if asked she wouldn't even remember her own name. All she knew now were the blue eyes that looked at her with such longing. Oh, she thought her heart would burst out.
The rest was a blur, she didn't remember how, but she still managed to escape from there. The children, she reminded herself. You're only here for the children. They were supposed to sing. Thank God.
She fed on her breath. Still trying to get his image out of her mind, but he was standing in front of her as soon as she covered her eyes.
He didn't know how he had lived to this moment.
All day long he had been swamped with work, papers appearing in his office as if out of thin air. But he didn't mind, dreaming of forgetting himself in his work. Right now he didn't mind getting lost, doing anything at all, as long as he didn't have to attend the damn party.
How had he gotten himself into this?
That evening, when the question of the party came up he had been too distracted by the little nymph to really care about anything else. He still remembered the picture that unfolded before his eyes that evening. The way she had stood there and looked at him as if nothing in this world mattered. He was sure she would lead him to his doom. The little governess, with her clumsy grace that was unique to her, those big bottomless eyes and golden hair.
And just as then, she had watched him tirelessly all day long, he could feel her gaze on him. That gaze that touched him gently, like sunbeams warming him with their warmth.
Though her behaviour today reminded him more of a fox, with the way she foxily hid in the crowd, thinking no one noticed her, masterfully hiding behind columns, or getting lost in a crowd of children. But he noticed, caught her every movement.
Georg had to admit how charming she was in that simple dress. All the women here were dressed in beautiful gowns, their jewellery glittered, reflecting the light of chandeliers, their hair gathered in the most elegant hairstyles. He allowed himself to imagine how she would look, wrapped in silks, how she would look, with gold and diamonds adorning her delicate thin neck.
If she allowed it he would shower her with jewels and expensive outfits. He would buy her all the jewellery in the world if she asked.
Oh no, she didn't need any of that. To him, tonight, she was the most magical woman in the room that night.
He realised he shouldn't think like that, not when Elsa was standing so close to him, and he, as a hospitable host, should have welcomed all the guests who had accepted his invitation for the evening.
As much as he would have liked to spend the whole evening playing cat and mouse with the governess, he had direct duties for the evening.
And so he spent more than an hour shaking hands, nodding gallantly, and smiling at each and every person who crossed his threshold. But each time, his thoughts returned to her.
Maria.
That name was like silk. It filled him, rolled across his tongue, drunk to burst out. Maria. What was she thinking right now? She was standing there off to the side, watching him. He knew she was watching, but he didn't dare turn around, realising that if he looked at her for even a second, he wouldn't be able to look away.
Georg hardly noticed Elsa leaning over to whisper something in his ear. A barbed remark about someone he knew. He didn't hear it, he didn't much want to hear it. Still, he let out a chuckle, a reaction that pleased his partner greatly.
And so his evening would go on. Long and boring. He was stifled by the formalities. Fake smiles and unfunny jokes. The costume shackled him as if he were in shackles. And a light whisper occasionally drifted through the room, spreading to all corners of the sick room the news that the Anschluss was near. He needed air. He was panting. His head was beginning to ache. As host, he had to be present, in full view of all the guests.
His feet found their own way, guiding him towards the terrace. From far away, he could hear the joyful voices of the children. Good. He was glad they were enjoying the party.
That's when he noticed Kurt and Maria trying unsuccessfully to do the ländler. She was trying her best to show his son the steps, but the height difference made the situation horribly comical.
He didn't know what spurred him to take the next steps, but lo and behold, he could already feel himself pulling on the gloves and stepping closer. She accepted his invitation almost immediately, giving him one of her smiles.
Everything further away was like a haze. Gentle touches and smiles. She was like a dream. There in his arms. There was something forbidden in it, something almost sacred. the way the dance joined them, bound their bodies together, turned them into one, if only for those brief moments. He forgot where they were, who they were, all that mattered now was Maria in his arms.
Georg was sure he couldn't hear the music, he moved almost machine-like, his body remembering every movement while his brain desperately tried to memorise every look she gave him, every gentle smile, every freckle on her face. He cursed the gloves at that moment, oh how he wished he could feel the warmth of her palms right now.
She clearly didn't realise what she was doing to him. She couldn't. How would she have realised half of what he was feeling right now.
And so, he stands with his back to her, a couple of steps he feels her gentle hand hovering over his crying. A step, she is in front, he scrolls past her, she flutters like a feather. A step, they are in close proximity. He can smell her, she smells of honey, flowers and sunshine. The urge to kiss her is so strong, but he can't move, he stands spellbound by her beauty.
She pulls away, clearly frightened. Maybe she saw something in his gaze that scared her.
So she left, running off with the children.
"The sun has gone to bed and so must I."
She stood there by the column, watching his children with a tenderness and love that was unique to her.
Georg had to admit, it was a wonderful number. All his children sang with such eagerness and zeal. They enjoyed the process and he enjoyed how happy they were. And it was all because of her.
All summer long he had witnessed the affection of his children and the governess grow. They were inseparable. She loved each of them as if they were all hers. The thought warmed his soul strangely.
It seemed so right. The way the children had grown to love her. The way she became an integral part of their lives. His life.
As if reading his thoughts she turned her head. It was crowded, it seemed like everything in the world was trying to separate them. And yet their gazes crossed. She was looking at him again with such tenderness and warmth that he felt uncomfortable. Compared to her, his thoughts were dirty and vicious, he should be ashamed, he should look away, but he could not resist her charms. Her eyes that looked at him so intently, as if asking him a silent question, the answer to which he did not know.
And then, a second, and the whole moment was gone.
Voices filled the hall again. Everyone was excitedly discussing the children's performance. In the same second Georg was showered with words of praise for his children, which of course he was delighted about, he was overwhelmed with pride.
But his thoughts were full of her. The image of her in his hands was still as fresh as the morning dew.
Georg you mustn't, you can't. It's wrong to want her.
Max didn't help him much by catching the little governess and suggesting she join everyone for dinner.
Just the thought of her being there all evening, teasing and distracting him.
He didn't know how to behave, she looked at him as if begging him to let her go. He didn't know what to do, there were too many distractions: her eyes, the voices still talking to him, Max getting on his nerves in his own way.
"You can if you want to Fraülein."
He realised that his words had clearly hurt her. He could see it in her eyes. She was pleading with him, asking him to give her a suitable, worthwhile answer. He sounded harsh, but he was afraid to give away his worries, so he tried to hide behind a mask of nonchalance. He was doing it again, building a wall between himself and the people he cared about. He pulled away from them when his emotions took over. He'd done the same with his children, shutting down and hiding about them like a pathetic coward.
And now he was doing the same to her.
It was a huge effort for him to pretend he didn't care about her again. It was hurting him physically, to pull away from her like that again.
But that didn't mean that all his thoughts weren't full of her. He was back to talking again, though he'd long since forgotten what they'd talked about in the first place. But that didn't mean he'd missed how the little Fräulein had skilfully made her way through the growing crowd, and quietly disappeared behind the doors leading to the library.
Too stuffy, too crowded. She needed to hide somewhere.
She knew she was being selfish. They'd be waiting for her.
He said it so casually.
"You can if you want to Fraülein."
It hurt. She'd been hurt by words before. But never had she felt like this. It was like he reminded her where she belonged. That she shouldn't be around him. It was as if she'd fallen into a grey veil. Somewhere between the hope of visibility and the disappointment of attention.
That strange feeling that came every time she looked at him intensified, as if she was gradually fusing with that pain, becoming part of the background against which he ignored her.
Maria stood there, feeling so alone and abandoned. Invisible. Normally she wouldn't mind, but now it seemed like the most hurtful feeling in the world. Not after he'd held her so close.
It wasn't hard for her to slip quietly between the couples who were still crowded around the captain wanting to express their admiration for his children, and headed for the only place that seemed right. The library.
It was her little sanctuary, no one would find her here for sure. Not that anyone would intentionally start looking for her though. She'd sit there and tomorrow she'd tell the captain she had a headache. Lie. She clenched her fists, her nails digging into her palms, the physical pain beginning to drown out what was now on her mind.
The voices around her were getting louder. She might have fainted if not for her stubbornness, and her desire to get to the library first. There, surrounded by books, she would have been able to find some long-lost room didn't seem appropriate right now.
But Maria didn't know that at the very moment she was quietly closing the door, a pair of blue eyes was watching her every move, catching her every step.
Somehow the room didn't bring her the long-awaited comfort; on the contrary, it made her feel like she was caged in.
The way she looked at her. Isn't that the look of a man in love?
Don't be such a fool, Maria, what nonsense, it's not true. Who needs you anyway. Naive fool, do you think the captain will look at someone like you? What do you know about love?
She didn't know anything, that's true, but she felt something. Something so strong and indescribable. No, she shouldn't think that, she shouldn't feel that.
You must become a nun.
That was before she knew this bittersweet feeling.
Her thoughts and actions were sinful, She had no place in a convent.
There was no place for her anywhere.
She closed her eyes, trying to catch her breath, trying to bring herself back to normal. But even so, in the sanctuary of her mind, there was him. There was him and his eyes, those gentle blue eyes. Why couldn't he just leave her. He tortured her with the most gentle and subtle torture, creeping into every corner of her mind, enveloping her entire being. His eyes stalked her fiercely.
God, why do you torture me like this.
She was afraid she was going to cry. How to understand what was happening to her, it was like liquid gold that poured over her heart. So beautiful and painful at the same time.
He looked at her like he was going to tell her something, every time their eyes lingered longer than a second. And then he'd turn his head away and continue making small talk. It was like she wasn't even there.
Her gaze fell on a painting of a sinking ship.
At the moment, she felt like that ship. She was slowly sinking, and all of her was being swallowed up by the horrible, cold, endless waters.
The voices in the hall began to fade, and Maria concluded that the guests had obviously moved to the dining room. Oh, good.
She didn't know why she was even invited. It was like it was one big mockery. This whole evening had been one big mockery. His looks, the way he'd held her so close when they'd danced, and how aloof he'd seemed afterwards.
She started pacing back and forth in the library. She needed to blow off steam. She was short of air, short of space, short of words to express her thoughts.
She turned round, looking out the window. Night shrouded the villa, plunging the gardens into darkness. In that darkness she found her reflection again. Sadness in her eyes, she saw how pathetic she looked in the reflection on the glass of the window.
She lacked him.
That's when she heard the door creak open. Closing her eyes, she prayed it was anyone. Not him, please God, not him. Maria refused to turn around, standing with her back to the door, she was horrified to hear the unwelcome guest quietly close the door behind her. She was trapped, she had nowhere to go.
"Fraülein."
She knew for sure it was him, even if he hadn't said anything, she knew. She knew he was the only one who could be here at this moment. It was as if some invisible force was guiding her, she could feel him with every fibre of her being.
Captain.
hello-hello, I'm back. if anyone is interested, my exam went well. So now I'm free to slack off and post here again. I hope you enjoy this chapter; be sure to let me know what you think about it. As usual, I apologise for any mistakes. I own nothing.