Chapter 6

"There's a vending machine down the hall. Do you want me to get you something?"

That was the first phrase that reached his ears in a while that didn't sound like static noise.

He vaguely recalled responding with words he never thought he would ever utter in his life.

"I'm not hungry."

He noticed the person's surprise (it was his big-chin captain) and the way the sound of muttering immediately started up around him but he didn't care. He just wanted to see Muro-chin. He wanted to know he was okay. He wanted Muro-chin to tell him he was okay and that everything was going to be okay.

Murasakibara always hated problems and things that were too troublesome. In his book there was nothing more troublesome than concern and unfortunately that was the exact thing he was feeling and he hated it. He hated the concept of concern and he hated the feeling of being concerned. He hated the uncertainty that came with being concerned and the constant state of not knowing.

But even more than that, he hated of utter helplessness, and the fact that there was nothing he could do to fix Muro-chin or make him feel better.

Not even the best Maiubo in the world could make the fear and the feeling of powerlessness go away.

Even Muro-chin's friend was scared (so scared he cried) and the sight had caused his own worry to double. Murasakibara hated crying and dealing with other people who cried. He might have cried after he lost to Kuro-chin's team and maybe the sight of Muro-chin crying did strike a chord in him he long thought had been severed, but that was different.

He hated when people cried over stupid things like love and when their favourite character died on a TV show (maybe he cried a little on the inside when he ate that disgusting jellybean Muro-chin gave him) but like when Muro-chin cried after realizing that he was never going to surpass his friend, and when he cried because he lost, seeing Muro-chin's friend crying maybe sparked an emotion inside him other than annoyance (like empathy) and that in itself was a definition of annoying.

Masako-chin asked him how he was feeling and he wanted to say like shit and tell her to go away.

But all of a sudden there was a tiny (familiar and annoying) voice that popped into his head that reminded him to be nicer, especially towards people who cared about him and who came because they were concerned.

The voice reminded him of Muro-chin, but then all of a sudden the scene before his eyes morphed into the sight of Muro-chin's limp, lifeless body in his arms; half his face and the front of his shirt covered in blood.

The redhead asked if he wanted to go see Muro-chin.

He said no.

He couldn't even muster enough strength in his body to feel regret as he watched him go.

He wanted to see Muro-chin, but at the same time, he didn't. Not seeing him meant that there was still a little bit of reality to the sight of Muro-chin he was grasping onto in his mind: a healthy, happy Muro-chin who was trying to bribe him with chocolate and cookies to get him to take him sightseeing.

Murasakibara was always reluctant when it came to things that involved any sort of physical effort (outside of eating) but he always ended up going anyway.

That was the sort of power Muro-chin had over him, and truthfully, he didn't hate it.

He liked doing things with Muro-chin and hanging out with Muro-chin because Muro-chin always gave the impression that he genuinely liked doing those things with him too.

"Murasakibara?"

He sounded like Muro-chin.

That was Murasakibara's immediate first thought when he heard the voice.

At first he thought he'd imagined it, but then it called his name a second time and he was compelled to look up to find the source of the voice.

He was half surprised (and half disappointed) when he saw who it was standing in front of him.

"Aka-chin? What are you doing here?"

Aka-chin smiled at him the way Aka-chin used to smile before they all let their talent and ego get in the way of their friendship.

"I came to see how you were and how your friend is doing," said Aka-chin. "But that should instead be my question. What are you doing here?" he motioned to the hallway that had become a lot more crowded since last he noticed. "I hear the doctor had given you permission to go see your friend."

"They said one person could go see him." He corrected. "And… well…" he trailed off miserably with a pout.

"Why don't you want to go see your friend, Murasakibara?" Aka-chin asked. His tone and the way he worded the question made Murasakibara both unable to not answer him and want to answer him at the same time.

"Cos…" he trailed off, uncertain on how to continue without sounding needy or pathetic, pulling a leg up onto the chair he was sitting on and propping his chin up on his knee. "Cos… Muro-chin always goes with me places I don't want to go to…" Sometimes he forced him places he didn't want to go to. He was pretty much one of only a handful of people who was able to achieve such a feat.

Aka-chin seemed to understand where he was coming from cause he nodded sympathetically. "How about I go with you in his stead this time?"

The question/statement piqued Murasakibara's attention immediately.

Even when Aka-chin was nice-Aka-chin, he didn't do things like that – at least he didn't do things like that if it wasn't beneficial to him or if it wasn't because of an image he was trying to uphold. That was where the difference between him and Muro-chin was especially prominent.

Muro-chin would do things for the sake of doing things; he didn't do it to impress others or to make any sort of statement about his nice-ness, he just did things because he wanted to do them or because a person he liked wanted to do them.

With Aka-chin it was always about keeping up some sort of appearance.

But this time his offer seemed almost… sincere. There was no one there he needed to impress; no one he needed to keep up a façade for.

There was no one present who hadn't already seen him at his absolute worst.

So there no way Murasakibara could do anything other than accept the show of actual kindness from his former captain.

He was more like Muro-chin in that moment that Murasakibara could ever have imagined possible.

Murasakibara barely paid attention to where he was going or if there was any obstacle standing between him and his destination. The only thing he could think about was putting one foot in front of the other. He could sense Aka-chin at his side, following silently though his silent presence was comforting enough in that moment. Murasakibara wasn't in the mood for conversation or a pointless observation anyway.

He just wanted to see Muro-chin.

When he finally got his wish though, he wished instead that he was able to unsee Muro-chin.

Cause Muro-chin was… not Muro-chin at all.

Murasakibara didn't know who it was lying there in the hospital bed, surrounded by so many machines and hospital equipment he couldn't tell were everything ended and where the person actually began.

He didn't know who it was looking so pale he almost blended into the white sheets he was lying on.

Murasakibara didn't know who that person was – even though he was wearing Muro-chin's face and had his hair; even though he even had the same exact beauty mark in the same exact spot.

Murasakibara didn't want to accept the reality even though it had been shoved right in his face, because it was Muro-chin there lying in the hospital bed. It was Muro-chin surrounded by all those machines. It was Muro-chin lying there completely still, his chest rising and falling in sync with the hissing the machine closest to him.

It was Muro-chin lying there and Murasakibara was forced to accept that reality.

He managed to put one foot ahead of the other and before his mind could even process moving he was already at Muro-chin's side, reaching out to hold his hand; reaching over to brush back his bangs – but his hand stilled mid motion. The doctors words were still ringing inside his head – what he'd said about an old injury (his eye?) and something about his vision. Murasakibara had kind of zoned out while he was talking and had only managed to catch bits and pieces of what he'd said, the important bits and pieces, so he thought he had a pretty good idea of the situation. That was one of Murasakibara's lesser known abilities – the ability to zone out of conversation while still managing to keep track of what was going on.

But he decided that part of Muro-chin's past that he'd kept a secret was his right to keep secret. And if one day he decided he wanted to share that secret with Murasakibara, then that was his right too. And until that moment came, Murasakibara wouldn't go prying into his business where he didn't belong.

It was too much effort to put into something so troublesome anyway.

Murasakibara never cried.

At least he didn't use to cry, not until the whole incident with them losing embarrassingly to Kuro-chin and his nobody team, and worst of all – Kiyoshi – at the Winter Cup.

He teared up a bit when Muro-chin fed him that disgusting jellybean and he realized that he hadn't stocked up on snacks because Muro-chin had promised him some good stuff from America and hadn't delivered. He never really forgave Muro-chin for that, but if it would make Muro-chin well again then he'd shower him with all the forgiveness in the world. Hell, he'd even eat a tub of jellybeans if it meant that Muro-chin was absolutely going to be okay.

That was how much he cared about Muro-chin.

But thankfully Muro-chin was doing better. At least that was what the doctor said. Murasakibara didn't completely trust what he was saying because he said Muro-chin was doing okay the first time around too. Obviously his definition of okay involved a lot more tubes and machines than Murasakibara would have liked.

But Muro-chin was finally free of the machines and the tubes and all the hospital thingys that made him seem twice as ill as he already was.

Murasakibara would never have thought the sight of another person sleeping soundly could ever fill him with such a feeling of relief. He didn't even have it in him to be annoyed at having to wait around for so long for Muro-chin because it seemed like the only thing Muro-chin did for the whole day after he first woke up was constantly falling asleep.

Whenever he was awake, he just seemed so weak and sleepy that Murasakibara just couldn't help but be the comforting hand Muro-chin couldn't stop grasping on to as he drifted off into another restful sleep.

But that day, Muro-chin actually looked okay for the first time in what felt like a really long time. He was sitting upright against the raised bed reading a magazine (his fingers were flipping through the magazine anyway – his attention seemed to be on everything but). The redhead was out doing… whatever it was the redhead liked doing when he wasn't worrying over people, so it was just Muro-chin, him and his thoughts in the room that morning and Murasakibara could finally admit to himself that he was actually still kind of mad.

"I'm mad at you, Muro-chin," he said. He didn't mean for the sentence to come across so petulant or as emotional as it ended up being.

"Are you?" asked Muro-chin. He was actually sitting up in bed without assistance, but still surrounded by so much white it made the contrast between his paler than usual complexion and dark hair even more apparent. "Well, I'm sorry I made you mad, Atsushi."

All of a sudden there appeared a blank spot in Muraskibara's brain where his thoughts had just been. It was something that happened often with Muro-chin because he always knew the right thing to say and the right way to say it to derail whatever track Murasakibara's train of thought had been on.

"Mou! This is such a pain," he growled, reaching up to run his fingernails across his scalp, "Don't say that!" he half yelled. Even though he hadn't raised his voice too much Muro-chin was obviously taken aback by his reaction which made him feel bad. But he had something he needed to get off his chest. He exhaled slowly and pinned Muro-chin with a look. "Cause if you say you're sorry now then I can't be mad at you anymore. So just… just let me be mad for a while. Okay?"

Muro-chin seemed to understand. He spared him a small smile. "Okay."

Murasakibara took a deep breath and let it out without breaking eye contact before he plucked up the nerve to continue.

"I'm mad at you, Muro-chin. Like… really mad you. More mad than I was about the jellybean thing and I was pretty mad then too. I'm mad that you didn't tell me you were sick. I'm mad that you didn't think you could tell me stuff like that, or that you thought I don't care. I'm mad that you let it get this bad and that you made me worry about you so much and – and – and I'm mad that you almost died and that you would have left me behind and just… I'm mad that you made me mad at you cause being mad at you is not fun at all." Murasakibara didn't realize that he'd gone on a tirade until he felt himself panting from the exertion at the end.

Muro-chin didn't say anything; he didn't even seem to blink throughout the whole thing which made Murasakibara feel bad all over again.

When Muro-chin finally moved, shifting slightly into a better sitting position, his gaze momentarily glancing away, Murasakibara sucked in a breath and held it; waiting for the inevitable… argument? Denial? Seeing the hurt in Muro-chin's eyes when his eye would seek his out again? For Muro-chin to be angry at him in response?

People always got angry when Murasakibara said things to them they didn't want to hear.

Murasakibara didn't know what response to expect but in his heart he hoped that Muro-chin wouldn't let him down the way so many people had let him down in the past.

After what seemed like an eternity of silence, finally, Muro-chin glanced back up to meet his eyes and instead of anger, or annoyance at being berated by his underclassmen, the emotion Murasakibara could see in Muro-chin face was sympathy and understanding.

"I'm… I'm not sure how to respond to be honest," he said. "The only thing I can say, and I mean this sincerely – I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry I put you in that position and made you worry so much. I'm sorry that I kept calling you my friend but didn't give you the chance to be one. I guess… I'm just so used to dealing with everything myself ever since I was a kid, it was just… second nature to me. I didn't think it would end up being so serious though, but I'm still sorry. I hope you can forgive me."

Staying mad at Muro-chin was an impossible feat, not that Murasakibara had any intention of remaining that way. He'd completely forgiven him the second he finished his tirade though he tried to keep up the façade at least a little longer. Even that was hard because Muro-chin's apology was not only truthful and sincere; it was everything an apology needed to be.

Figures Muro-chin would make apologizing an art form as well.

"I forgive you, even though it's not really about forgiving. You don't need to be sorry for being sick. I just want… I just want you to talk to me about things, the way I talk to you about things even when I don't want to. The way… friends do."

If Murasakibara hadn't already forgiven Muro-chin by that point he would have had to, because Muro-chin smiled so wide he almost glowed. It was impossible for him to quell his own smile after that.

"I'm glad to have you as my friend, Atsushi. I'm sorry I haven't really treated you like one, but that's going to change."

Murasakibara wanted to say something nice. He really did. But the only thing that came out was, "It better. Or else me and the redhead are going to be really mad at you."

Muro-chin laughed and it made Murasakibara feel a little fluttery on the inside. He always liked the sound of Muro-chin's laughs, and he appreciated it even more after everything that happened.

"His name is Kagami you know," Muro-chin said.

Murasakibara knew that, and although he'd grown to not dislike the mere sight of him, it didn't mean they were friends or anything like that. "Whatever. The redhead's easier to remember."

Muro-chin laughed again and it took all of Murasakibara's will power not to join in.

I missed you, Muro-chin. He didn't say.

He didn't have to because it was Muro-chin, and Muro-chin always seemed to just know things when it came to Murasakibara.

Tbc.