Happy Accidents & One Aggrieved Bookworm
A Harry Potter Fanfiction By Andrew Joshua Talon
Disclaimer: This is a fanbased parody work of prose. Please support the official release.
Note: This is an alternate timeline where Hogwarts Students start their first year at 13, rather than 11. Thus making this Harry 16-17 years old, and thus closer to legal. Just for my own conscience's sake.
Further Note: The part of Septima Vector is meant to be played by Lucy Pinder.
SMUT WARNING!
Harry was in a great mood.
Hedwig had brought him a note. He'd never understand that lovely bird, but somehow she'd not only found Septima, but flew there just in time for her to send him a note.
Now he had a note. And a time. And a Date.
And he had all his homework finished. And all of his chores, so he'd be left alone by his family. And now all he needed to do was make an excellent dinner.
And then they could… dance.
Harry put a vinyl on and hit the button, and the Stones started playing through the room.
I've been holding out so long, I've been sleeping all alone
Lord I miss you
I've been hanging on the phone, I've been sleeping all alone
I want to kiss you
That… was less than helpful if he wanted to focus on making dinner and not dancing , but it was disconcertingly topical.
He put the burners on under the pot and a pan and started chopping an onion.
Whoo hoo hooo hoo hoo hoo, whoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hooo, whoo hoo hoo hoooo-
Harry fell into a rhythm and shuffled across the kitchen, listening to the pan hiss as the minced beef hit the hot steel.
Ohhh baby, why you wait so long? Won't you come home? Come home!
He poured the beef out into a bowl, and added the onion now, it would deglaze all the flavor stuck to the pan. The tomatoes and thyme were simmering, so he poured in the rice to cook.
People think I'm craaaazy. Stumblin' over my feet, shuffling through the street, asking people "What's the matter with you boy?"
"Having fun?"
Harry jerked to attention at the sound of Septima's voice.
"Yes, actually! It's good to see you."
Septima smiled. "Good to see you too. You got here early."
"I kind of wanted dinner ready when you showed up," Harry said with a grin. "But it's nearly ready. We mostly just need to wait for the rice."
"Excellent. I guess I can focus on pouring the wine and choosing the next album. I brought Pink Floyd."
"Can we dance to it?" Harry asked.
"Not really, but I brought a few other things as well," Septima replied, opening a cabinet and pulling out two glasses and a bottle of wine. She put them on the counter and tapped the bottle with her wand, and Harry watched the foil unwind and the cork pop out. "I think you'll like this more than what we had last week," Septima said.
"You don't have to go easy on me," Harry said.
Septima raised an eyebrow, and Harry decided to focus on stirring the rice, as she let that sentence hang for several seconds. "Perish the thought. How are you doing with your classwork?" She asked, pouring them both a glass and sliding one over to him.
"Everything's done," Harry said with a smile, taking it and sipping. "Oh. That's totally different."
"A sweeter white," Septima nodded and sipped her own glass. "Really, everything?"
"You said you wanted to focus on arithmancy, right?" Harry asked.
"I did, but I didn't expect you to be done this quick."
"I was motivated. Oh, and Hermione came over to visit. She helped a lot with my potions assignment, that would have taken me a week without her. She's probably going to ask you tons of questions about the tent the next time you see her, by the way."
Septima let the wine sit on her tongue for a bit before swallowing. "You showed Hermione the tent?"
Harry's eyes cut away from checking the stove to look at her. "Was I not supposed to?"
"Not at all, it's fine. Although it's probably best if most people don't know about it, but I know you trust Hermione."
"She won't tell anyone," Harry agreed.
"So you've got all your schoolwork done, huh? We can focus on arithmancy then, good."
"I hope we can fit a bit of dancing in," Harry said.
"I'm sure. Among other things." Septima smiled as Harry blushed in response. "Oh, some of that too. You may have Exceeded Expectations, but I want you at Outstanding by the end of the summer."
Harry's blush grew deeper, and hid his embarrassment with another sip of wine. He finally met her gaze, "So what I'm hearing is that you expect to get a bunch of O's from me."
Septima laughed, glad to see Harry so bold. "Definitely! And vice versa."
Harry licked his lips and shifted in place against the kitchen counter. "I'm going to have a hard time focusing on arithmancy, I think."
Septima smiled in sympathy. "I'm not immune either, you know? Thankfully we're just going to go over some fairly simple algebra to see where you are tonight. It shouldn't be too difficult for either of us, even if we're a bit… distracted."
Harry nodded. "That doesn't sound too bad."
"It shouldn't be. And since you're all done with your work, I think we can meet more often. Maybe Wednesday?"
Harry nodded more enthusiastically this time. "That sounds great. But what have you been up to since last week?"
Septima groaned. "Mostly end of term administration things. Terribly dull, but it has to happen. And at least it's over… well, for a few months. Then we have pre-term dull administration things we have to do," she shrugged. "C'est la vie."
Hermione was not in a good mood.
"This is stupid. Why am I even here?" She mumbled to herself, under her breath.
She was riding the Knight Bus through the English countryside again, and she was definitely looking forward to learning apparition as soon as it was available. She'd even get her driver's license if it meant not taking the Knight Bus often.
"I know she's not taking advantage of him," she continued. "He's all too happy to be where he is. And who could blame him?" Several images of Septima in all her centerfold glory flashed through her mind, making her growl.
But you're still going there. And what are you planning to do when you get there?
Hermione took a deep breath. She felt stupid. It was a bad idea, and she knew it, but she felt compelled to see it through. Even though she had no plan. Even though she knew that even if this was a rom-com she was doomed. Her complete lack-of-plan was somewhere behind standing below a window with a boombox, or interrupting the priest at a wedding.
She nervously fingered her wand as the bus drove on.
Septima was in a great mood.
Harry had proved competent at basic algebra, and she had made a basic plan of attack for the summer to get him up to speed. She had put on a few disks of big band music for them to dance to.
Septima was horny, and unlike most nights for the past decade, she didn't have to rely on a toy or magic to find release. She was full of wine and good food. Now she just needed to be full of Harry.
"So, we've eaten, we've studied, and we've danced," she said, the pair still wrapped in an embrace as the brass from the band died down.
Harry nodded. "Yeah."
"What if I put on Pink Floyd and we snogged on the couch?" Septima casually suggested. She felt Harry's body stiffen for a moment before he nodded excitedly.
"That sounds excellent," he agreed.
Septima shot him a saucy wink and pulled out of Harry's arms, heading over to the vinyl player and swapping disks. Harry went to fill their glasses, but the wine had run out, so he brought water instead.
"Thanks, Harry," Septima said, taking a swallow from her glass. "Probably not the best introduction to this album. I think your focus might be off."
"We'll just have to listen to it again," Harry joked.
Septima gently pushed him down onto the sofa and sat down in his lap. "Yes. What a shame."
Harry wrapped his arms around her as she leaned in to kiss him. Harry couldn't wait, meeting her halfway. Her lips, warm and inviting, pressed back against his and parted. Their tongues met and rubbed against each other, exploring eagerly, and their bodies pressed against one another as tightly as they could.
Harry's hands naturally went to her breasts, feeling them up joyfully, as her hands slid under his shirt and across his back, before finding their way down and grabbing his toned ass.
Harry moaned as her nails dug into his skin, not so much painful as surprising. Septima's mouth swallowed the noise however, hardly letting any of it escape.
Delightful as they were, Harry's hands left her breasts, trapped behind both blouse and bra, to grab her ass in turn. He pulled her hard against his hips, grinding his erection even harder between her legs.
It was Septima's turn to moan, her head falling back as she ground herself against Harry's length. Provided with such a tempting target, Harry couldn't resist latching on to her smooth neck, kissing and sucking, heedless of if he left a mark or not.
"Ha-arry!" Septima panted. "No hickeys! How am I supposed to explain tha-"
Harry interrupted her with his mouth, and Septima relented, starting another long kiss as she writhed in his lap.
Septima finally pulled away from their kiss and took a deep breath. "We should probably move this to the bed."
Harry grinned. "That sounds brilliant," he agreed, before pausing. "Do you think-"
Septima's eyebrows went up. "Hm?"
"I, uh, could we," Harry stammered, "I mean-"
Septima's arms slid up his back, her nails leaving electric trails along his skin until she held his head in her hands.
"You've stood up against You-Know-Who, fought a giant basilisk with a sword, and sent an entire flock of dementors fleeing. Surely you can look me in the eyes and tell me what you want."
Harry stared at her wide eyed. "I want to eat you out."
Septima startled slightly, but quickly smiled back. "Not what I was expecting, but what a wonderful idea. Let's change venues."
Septima felt 20 years younger as she chased Harry across the tent into the bedroom, both of them flinging the few remaining pieces of clothing all over the bed and on the floor. Harry grabbed her and they fell across the bed with a laugh.
"So, you want to eat me out, huh?" Septima asked with a grin. "You want me to lay down, or sit on your face?"
Harry blinked. "Sit on my-? Wha-" His head tilted, and he seemed deep in thought for several seconds before asking, "Would I be able to breathe?"
"Would you like to be able to breathe?" Septima asked suggestively.
Harry's eyes grew big. "Yes?"
Septima cleared her throat. "Right. Of course," she sighed. "I'm going to be such a bad influence on you."
"I don't mind," Harry smiled. "In fact, that kinda sounds hot," he said, blushing, before becoming concerned. "You being on top of me, not the not breathing thing," he clarified.
"I promise to let you breathe," Septima said, getting on her hands and knees. "Stay there."
"What-" Harry started to ask, before she turned around and grabbed his hard cock in her hand.
"You might have to smack my ass if I get distracted though," she said, swinging her leg over his body.
Harry's entire world was filled with ass and pussy as she lowered her hips, until he couldn't see anything at all.
Harry turned his head and sucked in air. His hips jerked forward, but Septima just backed off even further, keeping the crown of his cock in her mouth and stroking the rest with her hand. She had been teasing him for… he wasn't sure how long. Tens of minutes? It felt longer. Septima kept getting him close before catching her breath and slowly stroking him with her hand. He had thought it coincidence for a long time, but she'd left it too close the last several times and wouldn't stroke him until he calmed down.
Not that he was complaining, exactly. If this could go on forever, he would be perfectly all right. Septima pulled him towards her mouth again, and he groaned as his cock slid into her mouth, and kept going until he was certain he was partially in her throat.
On the other hand, all things considered, it would be very nice to come.
He slid his mouth back under Septima and attacked her in the desperate hope that she'd let him. He felt her hips roll across his face in the way he'd come to learn meant his lover was feeling good and wanted more. He doubled down, his lips latching onto her clit and sucking.
Septima moaned around his cock and seemed to shiver as her body relaxed. Harry kept it up, his hands had a firm grip on her ass, keeping her from sliding or rolling off. Septima moaned again, and this time there was no stopping.
He felt his balls empty themselves down Septima's throat in several gushing shots, and as his eyes rolled up into his head he swore he'd let her tease him as much as she wanted if it resulted in orgasms like this.
Septima bobbed her head another time and sucked one last bit of cum out of his cock before pulling back and letting his now softening cock flop against his belly. She slung her leg up and off of Harry before falling next to him, face to face.
Harry smiled at her brilliantly, still breathing hard, and she couldn't help but giggle. It was cut off as Harry lent forward and pulled her into a kiss which she happily returned.
They broke apart again, and it was Harry's turn to laugh. "I was starting to get annoyed for a bit there, but I didn't even know it was possible to cum that hard."
"I'm glad you enjoyed it," Septima grinned. "Are you ready to lose what little virginity you have left, or do you need an hour or two?"
Harry gave her an amused look. "For as much as we go on about it, you're awfully quick to forget I'm a teenager. Give me a glass of water and ten minutes."
Septima snorted. "You know the contraceptive charm?"
Harry nodded. "I've never actually cast it though."
"Now seems like a good time for it, huh? Go get us both a big glass of water first?" She asked.
Harry leapt out of bed and hurried into the kitchen. Septima stretched out across the bed and luxuriated with the feel of the cool air against her skin.
For all of her -very justified- worries, at least for right here and now, it was all worth it.
Harry rushed back into the room with cups. "Here," he said, holding one out.
His own was already half empty, and Septima drank from her own cup gratefully.
"So, uh, how do I know if I cast it right?" Harry asked, picking up his wand.
"I've been told your scrotum should tingle," Septima explained. "It's slightly different for ladies. I've already taken the potion though. But I want you to get in the habit of doing it every time, regardless."
Harry nodded seriously, and pointed his wand between his legs. " Infecundus ."
His eyes went wide and his whole body shivered for a moment. "Well something definitely happened," he said. "That was… weird. Not bad, just… huh."
Septima rolled over and stuck her ass in the air. "Hmm. So do you think it's been ten minutes yet, or should we take a short break?"
Harry licked his lips. "For the record, I think it's been about four minutes," he said, before emptying his cup, wiping his mouth and climbing up on the bed. Septima hissed as his hands grabbed her ass and she felt his cock poke against her folds.
"Well bugger me, I didn't actually think…" she laughed. "I could get used to this!" She reached back between her legs and nudged it into place. "Go for it, Harry."
Harry swallowed, and pushed his hips forward slowly, but firmly. They both moaned as he sank deeper into her depths, only stopping when he was pressed completely against her.
"Mmmm. That feels so good, Harry."
"Fuck, you're amazing, Septima."
"I want you to shag me stupid."
"Makes two of us," Harry managed to say, before he pulled back and words left him for quite some time.
Hermione pushed the tent-flap open slowly, tentatively. Having snuck into Harry's home, past his family, and into his room, she didn't really know what she was going to say once she stepped inside and faced Harry and Professor Vec- Septima. What could she say?
Music faintly drifted through, but otherwise Hermione didn't hear any noises. She took a deep breath and stepped halfway inside.
She surveyed the table- mostly cleared except for a still-lit candle and messed napkins with several sheets of paper scribbled over with algebra. The sofa had emptied wine glasses sitting next to it, but no one seemed to be listening to the music from the vinyl player.
Hermione's stomach went from queasy to ice cold as she couldn't find them, the thought that maybe Voldemort had-
The song ended, and Hermione heard noises from the bedroom. The door was open, and she couldn't help but go closer. She knew what was happening. There wasn't mistaking those sounds for anything else-
Her favorite teacher was bent forward on her knees, her large, round ass in the air as Harry slid his cock deep inside of her. Hermione watched wide eyed as Harry's cock- how did that fit? - disappeared inside their professor with a soft smack as their flesh met.
Septima moaned as Harry pulled out, revealing inch after inch of hard, pink flesh. Hermione stood frozen as just part of Harry's helmet was revealed, before it all slid back inside again. Harry grunted, grabbing Septima's ass and pulling her towards him this time, slowly picking up speed with each thrust.
"That's it, Harry, fuck me," Septima said. "Fill me with that big cock!"
"Yeah!" Harry agreed, speeding up more.
Hermione slowly slid back against the wall and swallowed.
She should never have come. She'd known that.
But she didn't think she'd find this . Not really. Not so soon.
"Yes, yes, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, o-ohh!"
Hermione felt a tingle run down her spine as Septima enthusiastically shared how good she was feeling to the world at large.
She turned towards the tent-flaps to leave, but her thighs were burning, and instead her legs crossed and she slid down the wall, her right hand already frustratedly rubbing through the crotch of her blue jeans as she slumped on the floor with a whimper.
A/N: If you notice a change in quality, blame Another Reader aka Stonebrow. Andrew Joshua Talon's muse has wandered off to other franchises, so I've mostly taken over the writing of this, and Talon backseat drives and tells me what he had been planning. Thanks for sticking around, hope you enjoyed!