"Whatever you do…DON'T PLAY IT!"
This was what Lilo Pelekai had been asked by her boyfriend, Nick. Do NOT play this record in the diner's jukebox. It was a old-fashioned song that had been a number one hit single all the way through not just Christmas, but JANUARY and it was…supposedly…cursed. Now she and Dibbun Membrane, better known as Dib, looked down at the record, looking it up and down. It was a Christmas record, with only one song on it, but the record had been so badly scratched up they couldn't tell what the song WAS. Lilo brushed some of her long black hair to the side a bit, the young Hawaiian girl gazing in confusion at the record as Dib's black, sycthe-like hair whipped about slightly as he shook his head.
"I've never heard of a haunted record. Now, a movie, sure. A book, sure. But a haunted vinyl record? Nope." Dib confessed. He was lucky to live in such an amazing place like Kokaua Town, home to so many wonderful alien creatures, a land filled to the brim with magic, so naturally, the idea of a record being magical wasn't unheard of. Lilo herself had become skilled in life magic, and Lilo's best friend besides him was an alien, a blue, koala-esque creature she'd named Stitch who was, even now, showing off. He'd stuffed several Christmas lights up his nose and now both nostrils were glowing intermittently, green and red, green and red, flashing in pairs as his own girlfriend, the pink-furred Angel, guffawed and laughed at the sight.
"We've gone through weirder stuff before…" Dib remarked. After all, he'd had to put up with his own alien, Invader Zim of Irk, who'd tried to do stuff like blow him up, shrink to go inside his head, do things to his intestines…the whole shebang. Surely a stupid record couldn't be that bad.
But…still…to be SURE…
"Okay, we've surrounded the jukebox with salt…" Lilo said as she finished putting the salt ring around the jukebox in the diner. Being a master of "Bios" and "Zoe", the two forms of life magic, had given her a brand new view on the great beyond…and how you had to be REAAAALLY cautious with the supernatural. "You got the lucky charms?"
Dib held up a Christian cross in one hand, a Japanese spiritual charm in the other, and another thing he kept in his black jacket he wore…a very fancy-looking necklace from Australia blessed by the Lord of the Dreamtime, the Rainbow Serpent himself! He nodded as Lilo put the record into the jukebox, leaning over it, over the salt ring. She put it in, slid back, over the ring, and then used a stick to press the "play" button.
And then the record began to play.
Everybody stops and stares at me
These two teeth are gone as you can see
I don't know just who to blame for this catastrophe
But my one wish on Christmas Eve is as plain as can be!
The singer sounded like Hebert the Pervert. Squeaky…irritating…trying too hard to sound like a little kid.
All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth…
My two front teeth…see my two front teeth!
Gee, if I could only have my two front teeth…
Then I could wish you "Merry Christmas"!
"...this is the song? It's lame and stupid." Lilo remarked as Dib scratched his head, looking at her, then at the jukebox. Every time a word with an "S" came up, an irritating whistle came out. It seemed to penetrate your brain, stabbing in, that horrible, annoying sound ringing out through the air!
It seems so long since I could say
"Sister Susie sitting on a thistle!"
Every time I try to speak…all I do is WHISTLE!
"...what…the…?" Dib began to say as a REALLY BAD impersonation of a baby doll began to then squeak out "Mama" in between what sounded like a KAZOO playing "Jingle Bells" began to play as the bridge connecting the verses together. People actually liked this song?!
All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth…
My two front teeth…see my two front teeth!
All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth…
So I could wish you "Merry Christmas"!
"...well, that wasn't so bad." Dib said as the song finished. "Cursed record my butt. That was so pathetic." He shook his head back and forth as he approached the jukebox. "Let's just, like, toss it into the basement."
"I can't believe anyone would want to listen to it. I thought I'd have to banish another zombie like what happened last Halloween but…I mean… it's just, like, a forty year old trying to sound ten going "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth!" Lilo remarked.
"My two front teeth!" Dib added with a laugh.
"MY TWO FRONT TEETH!" The two sang out together before they then turned pale.
Uh…ohhhh…
The two clasped their hands over their mouths, realizing the danger. "Oh crap. Oh crap! OH CRAP!" Lilo squeaked out.
"We'll…just have to keep quiet about it! We'll just break the record in half and we'll bury it in the backyard with a bunch of crosses and holy relics and have Father Michael bless the hole and stuff!" Dib quickly muttered. "That'll be the end of it! As long as we don't sing it again, we're gonna be just-"
Then they remembered they weren't the only ones in the diner. After all, it had been closed so only Lilo, Dib…AND Stitch and Angel…could use it, as a personal favor to Lilo from the diner's owner. The two of them nervously looked over at the two Experimental Americans, who were staring ahead, and Stitch was slightly aquiver, and looking fearfully at Lilo and Dib, but ANGEL…
Well…Angel's whole deal was singing. Her beautiful voice was what she was good at. She was shaking as if she was a volcano about to blow and Stitch nervously glanced at her. "Naga! Naga sing!" He insisted. "Keep…IN!"
Angel gulped fearfully. "K-Keep…in…I…I can d-do…that. Anything f-for my boojiboo…" She squeaked out.
"Yeah, we're all responsible people. We can keep quiet. NONE of us has to sing it." Lilo insisted as she gingerly removed the record…and then SMASHED it on the ground into two pieces, stomping on it for good measure as Dib got a broom and dustpan out from the closet, to sweep it up. "We're gonna get rid of this thing tomorrow, first thing in the morning. So…same time…6 o'clock?" She suggested.
"Sure! Of course! See you around and Merry Christhmath-" Dib said, his voice suddenly slightly stuttering as he groaned. "Oh GOD, this is gonna be Hell…"
"Just…cut down on the words with "S" in the-" Lilo said, as SHE found herself whistling when she said the letter "S". "...AUE!" She moaned in Hawaiian.
But unfortunately…the very next day, when Lilo and DIb returned to the diner, they were grim-faced and fearful as they nervously glanced at one another. For the record…had put itself back together. It was whole once again, and BACK in the jukebox, and worse still…
Good old Santa Claus and all his reindeer!
They used to bring me lots of toys and candy!
But now when I go out and call "Dancer, Prancer, Donner and Blitzen",
None of them can even understand me!
"Oh GOD no!" Dib sobbed.
Yes. SOMEONE had put the song on because, after all, tis the season, and they didn't see the harm in it. And that someone was none other than Irken Invader ZIM! The green, faintly scaly-skinned Irken was clearly not looking so happy because he was irritatedly sitting near the jukebox, in between sipping on a grape soda and looking furious with himself. He'd put it on to piss off Irken Invader Skoodge, a far fatter, more rotund, and nicer Irken alien than himself. Both had ruby/maroon eyes to match their Invader's attire, with black gloves and boots, but Skoodge absolutely LOVED Christmas and everything about it. He got to indulge in eating lots of candy…he enjoyed the songs…and he was, evidently, an amazing ice sculpture artist.
Zim was a real grinch who'd been determined to tick Skoodge off however possible because he haaaated the Christmas season. Yeah he had something to say about Saint Nick, fuck that guy, cuz he never brought ZIM shit! No toys, no candy canes, just a lump of coal for him to eat!...since GIR ate up everything in the cupboards.
But nothing could seemingly get Skoodge down. He seemed to love everything about the season. Except…for one or two little songs. He'd told Zim about how there were a couple Christmas songs NOBODY seemed to like, like "The 12 Days of Christmas" and "All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth", which he'd only gotten halfway through listening to before he had, according to the neighborhood lore…eaten half his head to keep from listening to the rest of it.
No kidding. That happened. It was a miracle it grew back!
So when Zim SAW the record in the jukebox, he thought it'd be amusing to put it on. But nooooow…
All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth…
My two front teeth…see my two front teeth!
All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth…
So I could wish you "Merry Christmas"!
"Zim, what have you DONE?!" Dib cried out in horror, as the pale-skinned Mexican-American young man sobbed as the horrible "Doll" section of the song began to play and the kazoos began to play…
"Turn it off, turn it off!" Skoodge was groaning as he was now trying to turn his head so he could begin nibbling it off again!
"Naaaaay!"
"ACHOO!"
"Naaaaay!"
"ACHOO!"
"This was the same guy who did "In Der Fuhrer's Face", you know…" The owner of the diner said as his chef was whistling along to the song, half the people in the diner now bobbing their heads along to the tune as well. "You can definitely see the influence! All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth! My two front teeth!"
"MY TWO FRONT TEETH!" The diner patrons all sang out. Indeed, these customers, when they had first arrived in the diner, had been very much taken by the charming little melody. It was one of those "So bad it's good" things that stuck in your head, ESPECIALLY because Zim kept singing it over and over to tick Skoodge off as Skoodge had tried to ignore him only to join in. Now, one by one they too had joined in, and one by one they too had discovered that they could not stop singing the charming little melody with the clever wordplay and all I want for Christmas is my two-
Oh God in Heaven now I'M starting to fall for that damn song. But it was true. The church's soprano kept hitting A flat above high C and she in turn was now well supported with lots of laughing backup singers as everyone seemed to find the song the most hilarious thing they'd ever heard. Worse still, the singing was drawing people from outside the diner and now with more folks listening in it was turning into an enormous mixed chorus of voices of all ages, all races and creeds and colors, and it just wouldn't stop!
Lilo was now also singing and singing, along with everybody else in the diner. She had clasped her hands over her ears as she barreled out the door with Dib close behind and-
Ohhh dear. Angel was looking embarrassingly at them, sitting on a bench not far away from the library. Sure enough…she was surrounded by people, Stitch included, all of whom were singing.
"I juuuuust couldn't stop myself!" She confessed. "And every time I try to speak…all I do is WHISTLE!" She said, suddenly bursting into song. "ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS MY-"
"God DAMN you, Spike Jones!" Dib shrieked, holding his fists up to the sky, shaking them furiously. "All I want for Christmas is your cold, dead body and my two front teeth, my two front-"
Realizing he was singing yet again, he raced over to a mailbox and banged his giant head-
"MY HEAD'S! NOT! BIIIIIG!"
Against it as Lilo began to realize the real danger. Nobody could stop singing! How were they supposed to eat, or drink, or sleep if they couldn't stop singing?! What were they supposed to do?!
Nick. She had to call Nick. She dove into her jeans she was wearing, and pulled out her phone, quickly calling him up.
Briiiiing…briiiiiing…
"...you played the record, didn't you?" Nick asked on the other end with a very deep sigh.
"S-Sorry!" Lilo said, whistling in between her words. "That song's caught on, the whole town is singing-"
"LA LA LA LA LA!" Nick began to sing VERY loudly, clearly plugging his ears on the other end even though she wasn't using "Facetime" or anything. "I can't hear it, LA LA LA, don't sing that song, LA LA LA!"
"How are we supposed to stop it?! How do you get rid of a cursed record?!" Lilo asked. "In the name of Sister Susie sitting on a thistle-"
"LA LA LA-you need a new song-LA LA LA! Hold out until I get there, LA LA LA! Get the record in a box, LA LA LA!"
CLICK. With that, he ended the call as Lilo cringed. Oh, he hoped he'd hurry, good old Santa Claus and all his reindeer were supposed to come and bring them lots of candy-
Oh no, it was infesting even her thoughts now! Lilo shrieked as she raced off for the diner to get the record trying desperately to think of anything, ANYTHING else at all. A new song. Maybe another song would do it. It would have to be super annoying but anything had to be better than this!
…
…
…
…three hours later, things had not improved. Everyone in town was basically singing the song now. Folk's throats were getting hoarse. Nobody could eat anything, the minute they began to try, it only took four, five seconds before they felt the urge to sing, and this meant their food would fall out of their mouths. And forget trying to drink. You could maybe get in one swig before you started belting out the damn song again.
Some folks got creative. Skoodge thought, perhaps, if they were all unconscious, they couldn't sing it. So he suggested they knock themselves out. Stitch and Angel bravely volunteered…Zim to do it.
Zim, shrieking and spitting, was dragged forcibly out of the dumpster he'd been hiding in to avoid the "filthy huuuuumaaans", and whacked hard over the head to knock him out, something Dib helped do with GREAT gusto. It took a while because Zim kept squirming, so Dib couldn't get a solid whack over his head with the oversized candy cane from the auto store down the way.
But…it hadn't worked. JUST when it looked like being unconscious stopped the curse…Zim began to mumble in his slumber.
All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth…
My two front teeth…see my two front teeth!
"Oh GOD ALMIGHTY!" The local priest groaned, Father Michael crossing himself in genuflection before he began to lead another "rousing" chorus, as the town bemoaned their horrible fate.
Lilo had suggested, in between verses, to try other songs and she had tried for two hours to find one that would work. But though they came close…they just couldn't cut it. The Crazy Frog song crashed and burned. Justin Bieber's work just wasn't enough. Not even Oh My Darling Clementine, scientifically proven to be the worst folk song known to man, was horrible enough to get the curse out of their mouths. In their desperation they had been resorted to terrible Youtube songs but…
"Oh, Rebecca Black…you have FAILED me…" Dib sighed sadly as he wiped the tears off his glasses, as the sound of "SISTER SUSIE SITTING ON A THISTLE" rang out from behind him in the library. Dib closed his laptop, hanging his head, resigned to an awful fate when…
At last…in he walked. Nick Grey cringed as he wore big, thick earmuffs over his ears, the hazel-green-eyed young man bringing in what was clearly a very large boom box, hooking it up to his smartphone with a cord. "I can't believe I gotta this, but I got no choice!" He yelled out. "It took me ages to find a song this bad-CHRIIIISTMAS TIIIIIME! CHRIIIIISTMAS TIIIIIME!"
Lilo gaped. What the HECK was that? The outburst had come from nowhere. But Nick, slightly twitching, wiggled the smartphone in his hands about. He had a grim smile spreading over his face. "I had to test them out in the middle of a DESERT to make sure it would work-DO ALL YOUR SHOPPIIIIIING!" He shrieked out before he pressed the play button on his phone…and then curled up into a ball, covering himself as much as he could.
And then…IT…began to play. The objectively worst song anyone in the world had ever heard in their entire life. A song so terrible…so awful…so mind-bogglingly rotten it could only have been made in a lab, scientifically BRED to be brobdingnagian in its badness! It began at first with a bog-standard conductor announcing "The Most Unwanted Music" before a soft harp chord was played…
And then…ACCORDION MUSIC?! Everyone gaped in the direction of the boom box as clip-clopping sounds of a horse trotting along now began to play through the air, as distinct, cowboy-esque tunage flowed into their ears. It was oddly soothing. This wasn't so bad! THIS was supposed to be the most unwanted, most terrible song in-
And then the other shoe dropped. Really bad trombone and accordion music began to play as what sounded like a sick OPERA SINGER began to try and…rap.
Yo! I'm ropin' up my saddle for the long, long ride!
Every time I see the desert there's something inside, says
"Yo, yo!" This is the life!
"Oh DIOS MIO!" Dib sobbed. Now people began to realize the horror of the song as that opera singer KEPT rapping. People were covering their ears, they were banging their heads against the walls or the ground, as that utterly ATROCIOUS opera rap continued!
The sun is hot and dry, gonna rope me a cow
I say "Yo, yo!", I'm loose and free
Whoa there, Nelly, you're the horse for me!
"Turn it off, turn it off, turn it ooooffffff!" Lilo shrieked out.
Then the song took a turn…as some truly awful children began to sing.
Hey everybody, it's Christmas time!
Christmas tiiiime! Christmas tiiiime!
Jesus, Mary, and the maaaaanger!
Christmas tiiiime! Family tiiiiime!
Do all your shopping…
AT WAL-MART!
"TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OOOOOOFFFFF!" Skoodge was shrieking as he tugged on his black antannae, Stitch now curled up into a ball, his yells muffled as Angel buried her head in the floorboards.
Easter Tiiiime! Easter Tiiiime!
Love, forgiveness, and the buuuuunnieeees!
Easter Tiiiiime! Chocolate Tiiiiime!
Do all your shopping…
AT WAL-MART!
FINALLY, Nick uncurled himself, and pressed the "Stop" button on his smartphone as the music came to an end. People were sobbing and wailing as he slowly withdrew his earmuffs, and dug a finger into one ear, wiggling it to get some earwax out. "OOOOGH. Thank goodness that's over-PHILOSOPHY IS BASED ON A FALSE PRETENSE-uggghhhh." He groaned, giving a sigh so deep he almost tossed his back out. "Worst. Song. Ever."
"How in the HELL did you FIND that…musical atrocity?!" Dib wanted to know.
"I had a pretty powerful hunch that SOMEBODY was going to play the record, either on purpose or by accident by the time I got back." Nick said. "So I HAD to find a truly awful piece of music that was just so incredibly bad in every aspect-YOM KIPPUR! YOM KIPPUR-that it would destroy ANY curse. Thank goodness the song was just a Spike Jones bit, cuz "Bananaphone" is nigh-incurable."
"Bananaphone?" Lilo inquired.
"Oh, I know THAT song! Ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring, bananapho-" Zim, having finally woken up from his unconscious state began to say before he slapped his gloved hands over his mouth, his eyes bugging out wide.
"Oh fuck me." Nick moaned as he felt the tune a-bubbling up inside. "Quick, run for it! RUN FOR-"
Ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring…BANANAPHOOOONE!
I've got this feeeeling! So appeaaaaaling!
For us to get together and sing! SING!
"How long's this one supposed to last-it's no balooooney! It ain't a phoney! My cellulaaaar! Banan-ular phoooone!" Lilo began to belt out.
"We gotta find some else to pass it to-don't need computer or TV to have a real good tiiiiime!" Nick was merrily singing in between cringing. "Damn it, Zim! A single person to contain it-I'll call my pizza! I'll call my cat!"
"I'll call the White House! Have a chat! I'll place a call-ERGH! We gotta place a call to…someone who has NO life whatsoever!" Dib reasoned. "That's our only hope! But who?"
…
…
…
…thank GOODNESS it wasn't hard to find where Spike Jones was buried. He had, after all, lived in California all his life and was buried in a cemetery in Culver City. So, heading to the mainland on a private ship, sneaking under cover of darkness, they inched their way through the cemetery when nobody else was around, as Dib began to furiously dig up the comedian and musician's corpse.
"You're waaaaay too comfy doing this-bananaphone! Ring, ring riiiiing!" Lilo admitted as everyone took their places around the corpse, mouths covered so only THEY could hear their own singing as Dib FINALLY dug the body up. He was in astoundingly good shape, all things considered. The body still had some hair and everything.
Lilo took hold of Mr. Jone's dead, rotting, barely-any-skin-left hand, and concentrated hard, faintly breathing in the breath of life through her self, and into him. His soul briefly flitting from it's rest in the great beyond…to his body as his "eyes" opened.
"What the heck?! What are y'all doing around my-"
"THIS is for that Christmas tune!" Dib proclaimed before every single person in Kokaua Town withdrew their hands…and began to belt the tune out.
Ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring…BANANAPHOOOONE!
Ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring…BANANAPHOOOOOOOONE!
Spike Jones had time to let out a "What in tarnation" before HE began to sing, his sunken eyes bulging as Lilo let go of his hand and…THUMPHF. Removed the spell. Now he was back to being dead as they ALL breathed a sigh of relief.
"Phew…" Nick groaned. "Thank goodness. You can't be driven to death by madness when you're already dead."
"You don't think this'll backfire somehow?" Lilo wondered. "I mean…won't his soul be stuck with Bananaphone in the great beyond?"
"I'm sure they can handle it." Dib reasoned. "I mean come on, what's the worst that could-"
"DON'T YOU DARE!" Nick said quickly, shaking his head back and forth.
MEANWHILE…
Spike Jones grinned at the Devil as he leisurely sat on a bed of thumbtacks. Not even the agony of THIS…could dampen his glee. Because now all of Hell was singing along to that godawful song.
"Damn you!" Samael shrieked, stomping his foot, the foul, bony-winged, dark-eyed being giving him the most agonizingly furious look ever. His skeletal, clawed hands were curled into fists as his furry frame, as dark as knight, was rigid with fervor. His legions were merrily belting out the chorus to bananaphone and nobody could FOCUS on tormenting souls when they were singing freaking RAFFI!
"I'm already damned, remember? God was so annoyed I ruined the William Tell overture with kitchen implements as instruments he damned me to Hell for a century." Spike laughed. "So eventually, for me…this WILL stop. But you'll be stuck with it for aaaaages…"
"I cannot believe I'm doing this-it's a phone with ap-peel! Bananaphone! Riiiing riiiing riiiing!" Samael grumbled darkly as he stormed off, kicking the ground as he did so. "Not even feeding him his own tongue stopped the song…" He muttered. "That usually always works. No choice…no choice at all."
He sighed as he quietly knelt down by the foot of a bed made of human skin, hands clasped together, taking in a deep, long breath before…
"Are you there, God? It's me, Samael-"
"NOPE. NOT HELPING YOU."
"I'm desperate! I will do literally anything! ANYTHING!"
"...ANYTHING? ALRIGHT. PURGATORY WILL NOW BE UNDER JOINT CONTROL FROM NOW ON. I SHALL SEND REMIEL TO DISCUSS THE TERMS."
"...damn you too…" Samael grunted. "...fine. FINE. You can keep those stupid babies. Just take this curse away! It can't possibly get any worse!"
"OF COURSE. BUT BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR. I'VE NOTICED ONE MR. "REDFOO" IS CURRENTLY ON AN EMERGENCY IV DRIP AT A HOSPITAL IN NEW YORK, AND I HAVE TO SAY I'M NOT GOING TO BE WELCOMING HIM UP HERE AFTER HIS RECENT RAPE ANTHEM "LITERALLY I CAN'T"..."
"HA! I don't care, I'm fine with rape anthems!" Samael laughed. "Bring on Mr. Sexy and I Know It", I'm not intimidated by an idiot with style worse than an 80's jazzercise video!" He snorted.
Oh if he only knew…if he oooonly knew.
…
…
…
… "What's so funny, Father Michael?"
"For some reason, I feel…very good today. I wonder why?"
"Yeah, it's as if the world got a bit brighter, huh? The sunlight feels extra bright, the wind extra cool, the flowers extra pretty…
"Yes, why, it's as though God himself is smiling upon the world. I wonder why?"
…why indeed!