A Christmas Secret

Update: I fixed a few minor typos and added an epilogue. Hope you enjoy!

A/N: This is a oneshot based on Season 9's Christmas episode.

Fact is, these last few days, I've been reminded of when I was ten years old.

Oh? What happened when you were ten?

Oh! You'd think it was silly.

Try me.

Well, that was the Christmas I decided to sneak down and explore under the tree the way kids'll do. I was dead sure my pop had saved up to buy me a train set. Oh, remember the tingle of anticipation? All those mysterious colorful packages? Well, later that morning, when I opened them up, it wasn't a train set. No, it was underwear and socks. Jess, I don't think you can understand how incredibly disappointing that is for a ten-year-old.

Oh! I think I do.

This year, with the world in the shape it's in, Christmas is a hollow promise. We should not be looking for toys anymore.

Jessica tossed and turned, the conversation she'd had with Seth playing on a loop. Finally, she kicked off the covers, grabbed her robe, and made her way to the kitchen. If she was going to be up, she might as well enjoy a cup of tea.

She filled the kettle with water and set it on the front burner. She adjusted the temperature; she didn't want it to boil hard. She didn't want the bother of waiting twenty minutes for her tea to cool. She opened the cupboard and selected a heavy mug. Seth liked these mugs. He always said they felt good in his hand.

Seth. She'd been thinking of him more often lately. More often, and differently. His Christmas story touched her deeply. She'd heard the rumors. Of course she had. Her old neighbor, Mrs. Allgood, had done her best to fill Jessica in completely on the good doctor's Dickensian childhood. Jessica wasn't proud of herself for listening, but then again, it was right after Frank died and she really wasn't herself then. Even accounting for the woman's embellishments, the story she'd told Jessica was dreadful. A childhood of deprivation and abuse at the hands of an alcoholic father. His mother had died when he was 12, Mrs. Allgood told her with relish. Tuberculosis, she confided maliciously, but I think it was a broken heart. Jessica retreated at that comment. There were very few people that Jessica couldn't find some humanity in, but Mrs. Allgood was one.

Once she'd gotten to know Seth herself, she wondered how much of that gossip had been true. He seldom spoke of his childhood, other than bland generalities. That made tonight's admission even more unusual. It touched Jessica's heart.

Seth was loyal, dependable, available when she needed him and content to fade into the background when she didn't. Her face flushed at the disposable way she'd treated him. He'd come to mean so much more to her, and she didn't quite know how to tell him. She was fairly certain he'd be receptive to the idea, but her careful nature wouldn't allow her to count anything as certain. She'd need to test her assertion.

The kettle whistled and startled her out of her reverie. Perhaps she could fulfill 10-year-old Seth's wish and, in the process, discover a little something about his current wishes.

Although she disliked favors, she didn't have the time to spare.

"Jessica! How delightful to hear from you!"

'I know this is a busy time for you, Vaughn, and I appreciate your taking my call."

"Nonsense, Jessica! What can I do for my favorite author?"

Jessica chuckled. "Flattery is very effective, Vaughn, but I should be flattering you. Not the other way around. I'm hoping you can help me find something and get it sent to me by Christmas Eve."

"Depends, Jess. Let's hear it. What do you need?"

"A train set."

"Aaahh, had one of those when I was a boy. Absolutely loved it. Is this for one of your great-nephews? Or great-nieces, for that matter."

"No," replied Jessica carefully. "It's for Seth."

"Dr. Hazlitt?"

"The very same. Recently, he shared with me that he'd wanted a train set as a boy, and well, you might think me foolish, but I'd like to try to give him one if I can."

"I don't think that's foolish at all, Jessica," said Vaughn quietly. "I'll see what I can do. You'll want it mailed to you, I expect?"

"Yes, please. And, I don't know the first thing about train sets—"

"Leave it to me, Jess. I'm sure I can find something and get it to you by the 24th, if not sooner."

"Thank you, Vaughn. You know I hate to ask favors, but this is for Seth."

"Of course. I'm happy to help. I'll call as soon as I hear something."

Smiling, Jessica placed the telephone in its cradle. She always looked forward to the Christmas season, but this year felt different. She hadn't let herself consider the possibility of deepening her relationship with Seth, but they were growing older. Not old, but older, and she thought perhaps the time had come to fish or cut bait, as Seth might put it.

Now all she needed was to enlist Beverly's help. But first, she'd wait for confirmation from Vaughn.

Cutting it a little too close for comfort, Vaughn finally contacted Jessica. He'd found the perfect train set and she should receive it by the 23rd at the latest.

"Are you sure, Vaughn?"

"I'm sure, Jess. Olga will have my hide if it's not there on time. Trust me."

"I don't mean to sound ungrateful—"

"You don't," interjected Vaughn smoothly. "I understand."

"Do you?" asked Jessica archly.

"I think I do," he replied. "I've known you for a fair few years now, Jess. I may not be quite as good a judge of character as you, but I'm not without discernment in that area."

Jessica laughed in spite of herself. "Certainly not! She sighed. "I'm grateful, Vaughn. Thank you."

"My pleasure. I think Seth will be delighted. Do let me know, won't you?"

"I will. Give my love to Olga."

"I will. If you and the good doctor don't have plans for New Year's, you're welcome to spend it with us."

"That's very kind, Vaughn. I'll let you know."

She depressed the switch, then dialed Seth's office number.

"Doctor Hazlitt's office. Beverly speaking."

"Beverly, it's Jessica, but don't let on it's me."

"Whyever not? Are you alright?"

"Of course! Is Seth around?"

"No, he's gone out for a bit. I expect he'll be back before 4. You want me to have you call him?"

"No, no. I need your help, Beverly."

"My help?"

"Yes. I have a surprise for Seth and I'll need to get it upstairs and set it up while he's out. I'll need a tree, too. Oh dear. This is getting complicated."

"Don't worry about the tree. If it's a tree you want, my cousin's son, Benny, can deliver one here for you. The only trouble'll be getting Doc out of the way, and any pesky patients." Before Jessica could respond, Beverly continued. "You let me worry about all that. I'll come up with something. What time were you thinking?"

"I was thinking around 4. Would that work?"

"Sounds alright to me. What are you setting up?"

"I'll tell you on the day. I don't want to jinx it."

"Sure thing, Jess. I'll see you then."

"Thank you, Beverly."

"Course! I'd do anything for the Doc. And so would you."

Beverly disconnected the line before Jessica could form a response.

"Beverly, it's Jess. Have you heard from Seth?"

"Not since last night. He left a message with the night operator telling me he wouldn't be in the office today. He's been at the hospital this whole time."

"Oh dear. Did he say how Wanda is doing?"

"Critical," reported Beverly, "but stable, for the moment. He won't leave till he's certain she'll make it."

"I'm feeling a little foolish now, thinking of Wanda and how she's suffering."

"Nonsense, Jessica. There will always be suffering in this world. All we can do is alleviate what we can of it. Whatever you have in mind to surprise the doc, I can almost guarantee you it will cheer him right up."

"Thank you, Beverly. I'll come by around 4, shall I?"

"Suits me. The tree'll be here by then. I took the liberty of bringing a few ornaments of mine. Figured Doc wouldn't have any, and I expect you two have already decorated your tree."

"You're right, Beverly. I hadn't thought of ornaments. Thank you."

"You're welcome! Do you need me to pick you up?"

"Could you?"

"Course! I'll come by after Benny delivers the tree. I can sorta keep watch for Doc."

"I appreciate this, Beverly. Thank you."

"It's no trouble, Jessica. I'm always happy to do a favor for you and Doc."

"There is no…I mean—"

"Maybe not yet," said Beverly serenely. "But I doubt it will be much longer before there will be. I'll see you this afternoon."

Jessica gazed at the handset in bemusement. She often thought Seth didn't give Beverly the credit she deserved.

Together, she and Beverly made quick work of decorating the tree and setting up the train set around the base of the tree. They stood back to admire their handiwork.

"I have to admit, Jessica, the train set is a nice gift. I think he'll love it."

"I hope so," said Jessica quietly.

"He'd appreciate anything from you, Jessica, but I think you know that." Jessica smiled, but said nothing. Beverly gave Jessica's arm a squeeze. "I believe I'll head on home. Do you want a ride?"

"I think I'll stay. Seth might be home soon."

Beverly lifted one shoulder in what she hoped was a supremely careless manner. "Suit yourself. Call me if you need a lift home."

Jessica turned to face the quirky little woman. "I will, Beverly. And thank you."

"Don't mention it," she said breezily and shrugged into her coat. "We'll talk soon. Merry Christmas, Jessica!"

"Merry Christmas, Beverly."

Jessica opened the curtains that faced the street. She wanted to surprise Seth, not scare him to death. She smiled at the thought of him coming home and finding her and the train. She picked up a book that Seth had cracked open on the arm of his reading chair, careful to keep his place marked. Six Armies in Normandy. She'd long suspected Seth had been stationed in Europe on D-Day. She sat down on the sofa and began to read.

As Seth turned into his street, he nearly wrecked as he looked up to see Christmas lights in his window. He had a good mind to call Beverly right now, despite the late hour, and give him a very large piece of his mind. "Of all the years to decide to decorate my private quarters," he grumbled. He pulled into the garage and took his medical bag into the office. He really ought to write up his notes about Wanda right now, but he was so tired. It could wait until he got a few hours shuteye.

He made sure everything was locked up downstairs, then made his way to his rooms above the office. Not for the first time, he wished someone was waiting for him upstairs. Jessica, you mean. Now that really would be a Christmas miracle. He sighed. He'd never been one for miracles. He opened the door and stopped, stock still.

Not only was there a Christmas tree with lights and ornaments, but there was a train set merrily going round and round the track at the base of the tree. Jessica lay on the sofa, snoring faintly, her mouth open. She looked lovely. "Jess?" he croaked.

She moved in her sleep, murmuring something he couldn't quite make out. He moved quietly to place his bag on the kitchen counter, then he walked to the sofa, kneeling down over the protest of his knees. "Jess?" he murmured, and he risked a hand to her hair, gently stroking it from her face. This was like something out of a dream. He had the curious urge to pinch himself. His D-Day book lay open across her chest. Gently, he picked it up and placed it on the floor beside him. He stroked her arm and clasped her hand. "Jess, wake up. It's Seth."

She sighed and smiled, stretching. "Seth?" she asked groggily.

"I'm here."

She jerked up. "Oh, Seth! How are you? How's Wanda?"

"Wanda's going to be fine," he replied, while holding her firmly in place. "And I'm fine, too. Better than fine. Jess." He swallowed. "Did you do all this?"

She tucked her chin and smiled at him. "I did. How long have you been home? I wanted to see your face."

"It's…I don't…I can't…" his voice broke and he hid his face from her.

She scrambled to sit up, then she wrapped her arms around him. "Oh, Seth," she breathed. "Merry Christmas, darling."

Seth looked up quickly. "Darling?"

"If you'll have me."

Seth barked a laugh. "If I'll have you? Jess, you're all I've wanted. For so long."

Jessica cupped his face with a gentle hand. "I'm sorry it took me so long to figure this out."

Seth put his hand on top of hers. "Don't apologize, woman. I'm so grateful. I love you."

"I love you, Seth." She placed a gentle kiss on his lips. He moved to deepen the kiss, but their awkward position caused him to lose his balance. Jessica kept him from falling, barely, and they laughed together as she helped him to stand, then sit next to her on the sofa.

He put an arm around her and took her hand in his free one. "I can't feature it, Jess. It's almost too much. How did you get a train set? Where? I only told you that a few days ago!"

Jessica leaned over and kissed his cheek. "I asked Vaughn to find one for me. Did he do alright?" she teased.

"Alright? It's almost exactly like the one I imagined that Christmas. It's perfect." He squeezed her to him. "You're perfect."

"You think that now…"

"I'll think it forever. I can't believe you did this for me, Jess."

"Believe it, darling. I love you."

"I don't think I'll ever get tired of hearing you say that."

"I don't think I'll ever get tired of saying it."

"I'm sorry I woke you."

"I'm not! What time is it?"

Seth looked at his watch. "It's just gone midnight."

Jessica sighed. "Our first Christmas together." She curled into him, turning her face into his neck.

Seth loosed his hand to wipe a few tears from his face. Jessica sat up, a question in her eyes. "You've made an old man very happy."

"Not that old." She took his face in his hands and grinned wickedly.

"Jess, I—"

But whatever he'd planned to say was lost in the warm embrace of the woman he'd loved for so long.

Epilogue (because I just can't stop)

They kissed for a few very pleasurable minutes before Seth took her by the shoulders and set her away from him. "I should get you home, woman," he rumbled.

Jessica reached out to stroke his cheek. "Seth, you're practically dead on your feet. I'll just stay over." She sat back and waited for the explosion.

"Stay over?" His eyebrows disappeared into his hairline. "Here? No." He shook his head. "No, absolutely not."

She fixed him with a stare. "How long have you been at the hospital?"

He scrubbed the back of his neck. "I'm not sure."

"Really? I'd say at least ten hours, if not more." She looked at him shrewdly. "More, I'd say, since you're not willing to look me in the eye."

"Jessica, you can't stay here. It just isn't right."

"Then pack a bag, doctor. You can stay with me tonight." She leaned back against the sofa.

"That's even worse, Jess," he sputtered.

She stood and held out her hand. "Then let's go to bed, Seth. No one but Beverly knows I'm here. And she's discreet."

She had him there, and he knew it. He reached for her hand and she pretended to pull him up, smiling as she did. "It's just not…nice here, Jess. It's not good enough for you," he said quietly.

She pulled him to her fiercely, then put her lips to his ear. "Anywhere you are is good enough for me, Seth."

He felt her hot breath on his ear and the quick thrum of her heartbeat. He drew in a shaky breath and squeezed her to him, kissing her neck. He drew back and led her down the hall to his bedroom. He gestured for her to go in first, glancing over her shoulder to reassure himself that his bed was made at least. "Jessica?" She turned, a question in her eyes. "What will you sleep in?"

She grinned sheepishly. "I hadn't thought that far ahead."

Seth walked to the bed and reached under his pillow. "Here." He turned and handed her his pajamas. "They won't fit you, but they're better than nothing." You sure about that, Hazlitt?

"What will you sleep in?" she asked as she reached for his pajamas.

"You let me worry about that. Bathroom's down the end of the hall there. You go first."

She brushed his lips with a hasty kiss, then turned to get ready for bed.

He smiled after her. Jessica Fletcher in his home and in his bed. This was the stuff of dreams. But he admonished himself. This wasn't a fantasy. This was real. She loved him as he loved her. It would be difficult to share a bed with her, but not impossible. He smiled again. This was shaping up to be one of the best Christmases he could remember. He set about turning the bed down, getting an extra blanket from the closet in case she grew chilly in the night. Distracted as he was, he didn't hear her come in.

"Seth?"

He turned abruptly. She looked absolutely enchanting in his pajamas. They were too big, of course, and she had them bunched in her hands to keep them from slipping, but, with her face scrubbed clean of makeup and the flirtatious glint in her eye, she looked like a teenager. Not a thought to guarantee him a peaceful night's sleep. Good thing he actually was too tired to pursue anything more than a few gentle goodnight kisses.

"You look beautiful, Jess."

She smiled and walked to him, gesturing carefully toward the bed. "Which side is yours?"

"Doesn't matter to me, Jess."

She looked at the mattress, but the depression she saw was in the middle of the bed. It really wouldn't matter which side she chose. He held up the blanket for her and she slid in gratefully. "When are you coming to bed?"

Seth's heart clenched in his chest. He'd never expected to hear those words again, and certainly never coming from Jessica's lips. "I won't be long." He fiddled with the covers, then leaned down to kiss her gently. They smiled at one another as he stood; then he turned and left the room.

Jessica looked around his bedroom. He seldom let her into his quarters above the office. She knew the rooms were dark, poky. Hadn't Eve described them in detail when Seth moved back into town? Awful, she had declared, and Jessica, though she would have put it more tactfully, couldn't disagree. She'd tried to close her ears to all the gossip about Dr. Hazlitt, but, try as she might, she'd known more than she cared to before they were even properly acquainted. She knew money was tight for him, knew he'd managed not only to pay for Ruth's medical bills, which were monstrous, according to Phyllis, but also Margie's tuition. He was known to be frugal, cheap if one felt mean-spirited, but he was generous to a fault to those in need. And he'd shown her a generosity of spirit all these years. Loving her from afar, never demanding more of her than she could give, encouraging her to live her life to the fullest, whether or not it included him. He was a selfless man, and she looked forward to being able to reciprocate all the loving kindness she'd received from him for so many years.

Seth came into the bedroom wearing his old faded flannel robe. She'd seen it a few times when they'd vacationed together and her heart lifted at the sight. She scooted over in the bed and held the covers for him.

"Will you cut on the lamp, Jess?" She nodded and reached for the switch. As soon as it came on, he doused the overhead light. He stood by the bed, a little uneasy. "Are you sure you're alright with this?"

"More than, Seth. Come to bed."

Oh, what you do to me, he thought. He tugged nervously at his robe. "I'm wearing my undershirt and shorts, Jess. You don't mind?"

"Seth, take off your robe and get in bed! It must be nearly 1 AM!" She smiled to take the sting out of her words. "Come on!"

He took off his robe and tossed it on the end of the bed. Not for the first time did he wish he'd done something about his weight. He forced himself to look at Jessica as he got into bed. She didn't seem to mind. As soon as he lay back, she snuggled up close to him.

"This isn't so bad, is it?"

Seth barked a laugh. "Not so bad, Jess." He kissed her soundly, then switched off the lamp. "Merry Christmas, sweetheart. I love you."

"I love you, Seth. Merry Christmas."

Jessica jerked awake, the milky light of dawn filtering through his drawn curtains. Seth was flailing in his sleep, arms akimbo and his feet fighting against the blankets tangled around them.

Jessica turned to grasp his shoulders. "Seth. Seth!" She shook him, gently at first, then more firmly. He shouted as he sat up.

"Jess?" He blinked, his eyes still heavy with sleep. "What are you doing here?"

Jessica looked at him, worried. "I stayed over last night. Remember?"

He scrubbed his face tiredly. "Sorry," he muttered. "Sorry. I…"

She rubbed his back soothingly. "It's alright, darling. It's alright," she murmured. She felt him shudder under her touch, then he pulled away from her.

"Just a nightmare," he said.

Jessica was quiet for a moment. "Must have been quite vivid." Seth looked at her questioningly. "You were thrashing quite a bit."

"I didn't hurt you, did I?"

"Of course not," she soothed. Her heart clenched; of course he would think of her first. He was a dear, sweet man, and she'd led him a not so merry chase. She plumped their pillows, rearranged the blankets, then pulled on him to settle himself against the headboard. She lay next to him, her arm across his waist. He moved to put an arm around her shoulder. "Wanna tell me about it?"

Seth sighed. "Not particularly, Jess, but I know you."

Jessica raised up, indignant. "I wouldn't pry, Seth. Not about this." She suspected it had to do with the train.

Seth barked a laugh. "That would be a first, Jess." He squeezed her shoulder lovingly. "I suppose it's too much to hope you haven't heard about my family. My father."

Jessica was surprised by the bitterness in his voice, but she shouldn't have been…not after the little bit she'd heard about the man. "I've heard some," she said circumspectly.

"Some." Seth scoffed. "Mrs. Allgood, right?" He felt Jessica nod against his shoulder.

"I tried not to listen, Seth. I really did."

"I don't blame you, woman!" He dropped a kiss on the crown of her head and squeezed her more closely. "She was a terrible woman." Jessica murmured noncommittally. "The misfortunes of others were her lifeblood. And she sure made a meal out of our family." Jessica tightened her grasp. Seth drew in a long breath. "My father was an alcoholic. He could be kind, but it was rare. I was a sickly child…asthmatic...which I supposed saved me from the worst of it. Richard was always there, doing his best to step in between Mother and the old man. My father was a mean drunk, Jess."

Jessica let the silence spool between them. Her heart was breaking for that boy and for the man lying beside her. No wonder he'd been too afraid to broach the subject of their growing feelings for one another. She blinked her eyes, hard, to keep the tears from rolling down her face. That's all in the past, she thought fiercely. I'll make it up to him every day for the rest of our long and happy lives.

"Never more cruel than at Christmastime. I think I understand more now, at least more than I did as a kid. Doesn't excuse the things he did." And Jessica braced herself. "Mother was, well, almost a magician. She always managed to make things nice, as nice as she could. She scrimped and saved all year so that we could have something special at Christmas. Something extra on the table, a few presents under the tree. I figured that train set was out. Too rich for us, but she'd seen me looking at it in the store." Seth took a deep breath. "I couldn't help wishing for it with all my heart." Jessica propped herself on an elbow so she could see his face, He was staring beyond the walls of his home, deep in that painful memory. "The old man blew in a few nights before Christmas, loaded for bear. They had a tremendous row." He was quiet for a moment. "They," he repeated bitterly. "Mother was gentle and kind. He had a tremendous row with her. I lay in bed, listening. I heard Richard go downstairs. Me? I was too afraid to move." Jessica stroked his brow and cheek. "I heard him banging around in the kitchen, looking for the coffee can where we all knew Mother kept any spare money she'd managed to save. He found it, of course. I remember the rattle of the coins in the tin. He roared at them both, then banged out the door, and for a moment it was mercifully quiet. Then Mother began straightening the kitchen, and Richard came upstairs to check on me. As soon as I heard him on the stairs, I rolled over and pretended to be asleep."

They lay quietly together for a moment, Jessica smoothing the hair from his face, Seth still in that faraway place. Jessica pressed against him, and he patted her almost absently. "We didn't see him for 24 hours. Goes without saying he spent most of her money on drink. He came stumbling home early Christmas Eve. When I heard him crash into their bedroom, I crept downstairs." He grunted. "Still foolish enough to believe. When I saw those packages, Jess…" He looked at her and her heart seized at the hurt in them. "When I saw those brightly wrapped packages, Jess, I let myself believe that maybe, just maybe, I was in for a Christmas miracle." He let out a shuddering breath. "But you," he said quietly. "You gave me my miracle, Jess."

She folded him in her arms as he wept. Oh, her heart broke for that little boy, but it filled with love at the man he'd become. She soothed him in her arms until he was quiet. She drew apart from him, gently kissing his forehead, his eyes, his cheeks. The way he looked at her! She felt the depth of his love for her. She sat up.

"Jess?" She pulled off Seth's pajama top in one preternaturally smooth movement. She was so lovely. He didn't know what to do. "Jess," he murmured brokenly. "Jess, you don't have to." She smiled down at him and placed his hand over her heart. "I don't want you to pity me," he rumbled.

"Pity you?" She looked him steadily in the eye. "I don't pity you, Seth. I love you." Holding his gaze, she pressed her hand over his. "You woke my sleeping heart," she said quietly.

Seth fumbled to sit up in bed, moving his hands to grasp her shoulders. "You're sure?"

Jessica nodded, and he kissed her, tentatively at first, then with all the passionate love he'd kept hidden for so long. He drew back and traced a finger down her cheek. "I love you, Jessica."

"I love you, darling. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas," he whispered huskily as he drew her close.

A/N: This story just kept needling me until I finished it. Merry, Merry Christmas and happy holidays.

I just wanted to contribute a small something to the wonderful MSW Christmas stories. Hope you're enjoying a happy, peaceful holiday season and that you get the train set of your dreams.