Here's a bit of an older fic I wrote for a charity zine celebrating all of Techno's different contents. I got allotted the Earth SMP but truly I couldn't be happier about it :D It was fun to write for!
Had the invite been sent by anybody else, the Antarctic Empire would have most likely elected to ignore it. But their truce with the Newfoundlands was a longstanding one, and honestly Technoblade was kind of curious to see what Wilbur was attempting with this peace conference.
They'd had neutral ground before, several times. Often it had ended in some type of chaos when negotiations devolved into bloodshed. This was different though, assuming everybody who bothered to show up was doing so with the intent of signing new treaties and sharing technological progress. Their empire did not need either of those - they were doing quite well on their own, thank you very much. But Technoblade and Philza had both agreed it was smarter to be a part of this than sit it out, even if not for the sake of gaining allies.
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. In essence, they only wanted to see what others were up to and get ahead of the curve with any powerful pacts that could threaten them later.
While the palace might have been built in the Safezone, it bore clear signs of Newfoundland having constructed it. White marble was cut through with details in pink and green, and the Newfoundland flag was held bravely aloft above all others. But they had gone out of their way to include as many of the nations as they could. The sentiment was there at least. At the door, armed guards were keeping watch and ushering faction members inside after a close inspection.
"Remember our agreement," Techno said under his breath, watching Phil stride forward with a mischievous glint in his eye already. "Play nice."
"I always play nice," Phil responded - a blatant lie. There was too much civilian blood on his hands to pretend innocence now.
"Hold!" One of the guards at the door stopped them. "Relinquish all weapons and armor before proceeding."
"Right, right." Techno clipped the sword from his belt, as well as the few tools he'd brought along that might be taken for weaponry. He could be mighty frightening with nothing in his hands except a stone pickaxe, or so people claimed. Phil was doing the same, pettily dropping his bow and a pile of arrows at the man's feet instead of handing them to him.
"These will be returned to you when you leave," the guard said, opening a marked chest for them to deposit their items into.
Phil grinned. "Don't bother. I got plenty more left at home."
Techno watched his potions disappear into another chest. "This will do?"
"Relinquish all your weapons and armor," the guard repeated.
"Really?" Their unamused stares told him everything he needed to know. "Bruh, I wouldn't even be able to kill an orphan with this thing." He removed the dagger from his sleeve, as well as the backup he kept in his boot. Phil followed his example. The straps that kept their leather underarmor in place came undone too.
The guard assessed them with a critical eye. Technoblade and Philza didn't move.
"All of it."
With a sigh, they removed whatever trinkets they had left on them. Some fireworks, Phil's throwing knives, and the fold-out crossbow disguised as an elbow brace Techno kept on him at all times. Really, this was just ridiculously thorough.
If he truly wanted to kill somebody, he could always do it with his bare hands.
After all that hassle, they were finally allowed to enter. The inside of the palace was about as lavish as the outside built it up to be. The same white marble was covered in wall-hung tapestries and flowers decorated many available surfaces to give a more homely appearance to a space that was clearly not meant to be inhabited on the daily. Golden carvings spruced up the rather lackluster, colorless appearance. The room had windows that reached from near the floor all the way to the ceiling, allowing ample daylight to stream in and cast its glow on the many members gathered. Technoblade recognized most of them, even if only in passing and he'd never be able to put a name to their faces. A portion of the floor had been cleared for dancing, though a centerpiece fountain in the middle was the real eye-catcher. Most in attendance were gathered around the edges of the room, where the food was.
Not a fan of big gatherings, Technoblade stuck close to Phil's side as they made their way to the two other people in the room dressed in the familiar colors of the Antarctic Empire.
"I see they got you too?" Pete said mildly upon noticing their unarmored appearance. "They're taking this very seriously."
"It's overdramatic," Phil said. "Do they think we'll just kill them all for no reason?"
"Some of them probably do," Wisp commented. He inclined his head towards Tommy, who had been giving them a death glare ever since they entered.
Wilbur cleared his throat, drawing the attention of all those gathered to the slightly raised podium he was standing on. "Ladies. Gentlemen. Esteemed leaders of this world's many great nations." He smiled, and it made Techno shake his head slightly. Wilbur was always the type of person to enjoy theatrics. Of course he'd have a field day with this. "We are all gathered here today by peaceful means and with our eye on better prospects-"
"Not all of us," Timedeo cut in abruptly. Phil snorted and Wilbur trucked on without acknowledging him.
"Past bygones will remain bygones for the purpose of this meeting. I hope it can bring good things for us all. Even those who have made mistakes in the past." That was when he did look at the gathered members of Bussiness Bay, sharply. "For example, blowing up perfectly good bridges for no reason."
"False accusations," Tommy said.
Sneeg raised his hand, the blazon of Marioloogi catching the sunlight with his sudden movement. "As a smaller faction, I do wonder if it's wise to include those who would only use today as a means to an end." He dropped his arm to cross them over his chest instead. "Not accusing anybody, but some factions in attendance clearly aren't here to gain allies. They're spying."
Mutters of agreement traveled across the room. Techno knew it would be stupid to pretend this comment wasn't about the Antarctic Empire (among some others perhaps).
It also wasn't factually incorrect.
But Wilbur gestured for them to hear him out. "I think there are enough reasons to object to multiple parties present here today. We will not single any of them out. If you are uncomfortable being here, you are free to leave."
And this did give them pause. The danger of revealing to powerful enemies an advantage they were not yet aware of was much smaller than the chance that an alliance could be formed today and save their life down the line. Even Tommy's jaw was kept stubbornly clenched.
Wilbur smiled, slightly smug about their silent agreement. "Very well. You know where to find food and drinks, and most of all: just talk like civil people for once, please. It can't be that fucking hard."
Technoblade laughed at that. Civil… right.
He was fully prepared to spend the rest of the evening standing around talking with Pete and Wisp or trying to keep Phil from starting an all-out war (it felt like people forgot or deliberately ignored it was him who had the itchy trigger finger, not Techno) if it wasn't for Eret approaching them.
"Gentlemen." They inclined their glass at them. Techno narrowed his eyes a bit suspiciously, observing how dressed up they were for the occasion. How come he had to turn in all his weapons while Eret was allowed to saunter in wearing hairpins that definitely were sharp enough to pierce a jugular or two?
In fact, Techno might need to keep that idea on the back burner.
"How are you, Eret?" Pete asked politely. Out of all their faction members, he was probably the most diplomatic one. And it couldn't have been a coincidence Eret approached him first.
"I've been doing well. New Hawaii has been thriving under the established trading deals. Our wealth has been steadily increasing." Eret inclined their head a bit as they smiled pleasantly.
"And I suppose you're not telling us this for no reason," Wisp said.
"Well, I do wonder if you had time to reconsider my alliance proposal of the other day…"
Techno was surprised, perhaps this whole peace conference thing would bear fruit after all. A thought that was allowed to persist for all of five seconds before reality came barging in.
"Hey uh, hi!" Connor waved at them - made all the more ridiculous because he was about three feet away.
"Connor, I didn't know if you would be here." Phil did not say it unkindly, but it did make the other man swallow uncomfortably.
"Yeah! Well, I didn't know either but I heard you guys would be and- and you see, I didn't really know any other way to deliver this to you guys without being shot."
"Fair," Techno said. If Connor walked into Antarctic Empire territory, being shot was probably the least of his worries.
"Right?!" Connor nodded, glad he'd judged their hostility correctly. "But that's why I did wanna give you this. It's a peace offering."
From an inner pocket, Connor produced a chicken.
Not a piece of chicken meat. Not a dead chicken.
A whole, live chicken.
The poor animal twitched and squirmed in his arms, beating its wings desperately in a bit to get away and sending feathers flying in every direction. Techno took it, only because it was clearly suffering after being shoved into somebody's pocket that long. "Thanks?"
"Because I killed your other one," Connor said simply.
When the chicken hit him in the face with its squealing, Techno let it go. This wasn't what he signed up for. He didn't even know how Connor managed to sneak it in here.
"That's very thoughtful of you, Connor." Phil's sincere sentiment was slightly undercut by his desperately trying not to double over in laughter.
"Great!" Connor didn't seem to mind. "I hope this means you'll think twice before killing me next time."
Techno hummed to himself. "I make no such promises."
"I'll take what I can get."
At least Connor was smart enough to know how they operated by now. Nobody else was so foolish as to approach them with good intentions, and mostly Technoblade spent his time sipping on mediocre wine (he didn't often have alcohol, and when he did he preferred the robust flavors or ale or stout over the delicate palette of wine) and looking out at the crowd, trying to gauge who was intermingling with who and where alliances would form. None posed a threat to the Antarctic Empire on their own, but when working together Techno couldn't put it past some of these nations to put up a decent fight. They had to remain vigilant.
Most people seemed to be content sticking to their established relations and joking around, enjoying the food Newfoundland had so graciously prepared for them. If any new friendships were on the cusp of being formed, Techno wasn't aware of them. The most eager person in the room had to be Wilbur, flitting from group to group to talk ears off here and there. Techno had half a suspicion this entire event was just an excuse for him to play diplomat.
Techno knew Wilbur had enjoyed those trials a little too much to not become prone to sticking his nose everywhere it didn't belong.
He approached the man when he was between conversations. Techno wasn't about to insert himself into a social situation, he shuddered at the very thought. But sue him, he liked talking to Wilbur at least.
"Technoblade, my dearest Techno!" Wilbur spread his arms a bit. "To what do I own the pleasure."
"You tell me," Techno said easily, voice remaining thoroughly unimpressed. "You're the one who invited us here."
"All in good intention," Wilbur said lightly. It almost sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than anything and Techno was momentarily worried this had all been one big ploy to get all the faction's leaders into the same building and drop a nuke on them.
Then again, that didn't sound like something Wilbur would do. Phil maybe, but not Wilbur. After all the various wars their empire had to suffer through, this was probably Techno's own paranoia talking.
"Do you have your eye on any partnerships," Wilbur asked. He straightened his sleeves, thumbing at the golden buttons on the cuffs. At least somebody on this damn server enjoys playing dress-up, Techno thought to himself and chuckled into his wine glass.
"Not really," Techno said with a shrug.
"Not even in return for a peace offering?" Wilbur asked with an amused frown, watching the chicken Techno had let loose earlier frantically scramble across the buffet, flinging about horse d'ouvres and showering the guests in such. Connor was chasing it, probably because some other guests were starting to look a bit pissed off at him for bringing it inside.
When he tried to dive for the chicken with open arms it squealed and leaped away, ending up with Connor tumbling face-first into that beautiful centerpiece fountain instead.
"Not even in return for a peace offering," Techno confirmed. Allying with these clowns would surely mean signing the death warrant on his empire through the power of pure incompetence. War would not be the death of the Antarctic Empire.
The ruin of his reputation would.
Wilbur pretended not to notice the fountain disaster, probably because he did not want to deal with it. "I hear Eret is quite eager."
"New Hawaii is too secluded to really be of interest as a trading partner. And they're not a strong enough military faction to concern us." Techno saw no reason to lie about this, not to Wilbur. Newfoundland was perhaps their only true ally in the room. Speaking of which. "What about you?"
"What about me?" Wilbur asked, playing innocent.
"You have your eye on any treaties."
"I don't think anything I could come up with would beat the established treaty of The Wednesday War. That was comedy gold by the way." Wilbur grinned at him. "And Newfoundland thanks you once again for your aid."
Technoblade snorted, recognizing the honey-sweet words for what they were. "You don't need to butter me up, Wilbur. Business Bay had been a thorn in the Antarctic Empire's eye for a long while before those bridges. Consider it mutual aid."
"It was aid not expected after you tried to take over the world," Wilbur shot back.
"We were just trying to prove a point," Techno said. At Wilbur's glare, he looked away. "Also, in our defense, it was very funny."
Well, of course Wilbur wouldn't agree with that.
"Excuse me, gentlemen." The person who had spoken was none other than Sophie, one of the only other individuals at this farce Techno could actually stand. "Do you mind if I borrow him for a moment?" She gestured at Techno, throwing Wilbur a dashing smile.
"By all means."
But when she grabbed his wrist to drag him over to the dance floor, Technoblade almost instinctively dug his heels in. "Wait, do we really have to dance? Can't we just stand around and talk like, you know… normal people."
"It's a party, isn't it?" Sophie asked pleasantly. Her wild red curls were somewhat pinned out of her face with elaborate pins and knowing her, she hated this whole stuffy affair just as much as Techno did. Which meant she was just doing this because she enjoyed watching Techno suffer alongside her.
He could respect that.
One of his hands settled on her hip and the other grasped her own awkwardly, grip probably a bit too tight to be natural. Of all the things Techno had learned in his lifetime, from war tactics to various battle techniques with more weapons than he could plausibly name, from the most intricate enchantments to potion brewing that would put an alchemist to shame, dancing was not one of his many talents. No matter how often Phil had urged to teach him - not because it was a useful skill but because he also enjoyed Techno's suffering.
Really, he needed better friends.
They swayed around the ballroom rather stiffly and Techno could feel the tips of his ears burn bright red. Thankfully his pink hair would cover that up.
"You're not very good at this," Sophie said. Coming from any other person, it might have sounded like an insult. From her, it sounded like light jest at best. He didn't mind her honesty.
"Believe it or not, I haven't had much chance to practice this."
"Right, I can't imagine you had much time for that in between the sword practice and weapons of mass destruction."
"Those are more Phil's thing," he said. Most of their nukes were provided by Phil and Pete. Techno was trying to raise a hound army to get his own weapon of mass destruction (presuming he could train them properly). But that was still a work in progress.
"While you've been making affronts to human rights, I've been studying the blade," Sophie said with a laugh.
Techno chuckled back. "Look who's talking. You held up your own at the pit, I remember."
"Yeah, against Tommy. He's hardly a challenge, is he?" One eyebrow rose playfully as if prompting him to argue.
But that was alright. Techno would rise to that bait.
"Tommy isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, but he's a good enough fighter." And that at least was the truth. The kid didn't hold a candle to Techno or his commanders, obviously. But the most dangerous enemy was the underestimated one.
That was probably something that Sun Tzu guy said once. Techno had been reading his books lately.
Pulling on his arm a bit, it was almost more as if Sophie was leading the dance. Techno found he didn't mind as much as he probably should. She was doing a much better job at it than him anyway. "So what are you implying?" she asked.
"If you ever get tired of Wilbur, you should join the Antarctic Empire," Techno told her. "We'd gladly welcome you as a member."
The music ended and they stopped, standing face-to-face in the middle of the room. "Well, I'm not saying yes."
"But you're not saying no," Techno added.
"I'd like to keep the door open."
Techno could live with that.
That's when their oh so peaceful conference was rudely interrupted by an arrow being loosened.
Technoblade spun on his heels, pulling his cape over his arm. Even without armor, the thicker fabric would offer more protection than his normal clothes could. They would catch an arrow in a pinch.
The arrow hadn't been aimed at him though.
No, much worse. The arrow was aimed at Phil.
It missed by a mile, burying itself somewhere in the wall above Phil's head. Phil frowned, wings flaring out behind him. He also didn't take very kindly to being shot at.
Tommy lowered the crossbow. It was the exact same fold-out type Techno had tried (and failed) to sneak into the peace conference. Tommy's shoulders shook as he chuckled awkwardly. "Oops?"
"You're not very good at assassinating people," Timedeo told his fellow faction member.
"Third time's the charm?" Tommy asked, loading another bolt.
"Are you for fucking real, Tommy!?" Wilbur yelled in dismay, seeing all his carefully put-together peace plans fall apart in front of his eyes.
The second arrow also missed. Or more accurately: it missed its intended target, which was Phil once again. Tommy really couldn't catch a break or maybe he'd be better off looking for somebody else to murder because apparently Phil was under the divine protection of Lady Death or something. Techno always halfway expected those two to have a thing.
Instead, the arrow found home in the poor chicken that Connor was still chasing, oblivious to the other chaos going on in the room. It didn't stand a chance.
Silence reigned for a full five seconds.
"I think this means we're declaring war on Bussiness Bay again, doesn't it?" Wisp asked. As if there was any other outcome.
"I do believe so!" Phil said eagerly.
"You've spilled blood on neutral terrain, Tommy." Technoblade took a single step forward. "So I suggest you start running."
The kid was smart enough that he didn't need to be told twice. Ignoring the other nations gathered, Techno headed outside with his co-leaders close behind him. The guards scrambled out of the way so they could get to the chests, retrieving weapons and armor for the war to reignite. Technoblade saw Tommy taking off and was more than happy he'd brought his plane.
This was going to be fun.
Wilbur had followed them outside. "I take it this means the conference is over."
"By all means, keep the party going," Technoblade told him. "This won't take long."
If they still wanted to continue making peace treaties, they could. The Antarctic Empire just had more pressing matters to attend to.