A Very John Phoenix Christmas

by LanceTakumi

Gather round, children, and jump for joy, for it's a John Phoenix Christmas special for us all to enjoy! Join John Phoenix as he defends his creator dakoolguy's honor on this hallowed day! For, you see, the Trolls are saying he's an Incel, while actually all the adult women in Ace Attorney who are 1.) not dead, and 2.) over 21 are actually in love with him/me because I'm perfect

It was Christmas time in Los Angeles. There was a big party in the Wright Anything Agency.

There was a Christmas tree there.

There were presents there.

There were candy canes there.

And there were John Phoenix there.

But then a Vile Troll was there. Everyone was scared of the Vile Troll. Especially Trucy Wright.

"I'm scared of trolls!" said Trucy Wright. Her mind conjured up images of scary trolls living under bridges. She should have been thinking of gumdrops and sugar plums but the Vile Troll was ruining Christmas for everyone.

"Leave, troll!" demanded Uncle Wright.

"Yeah, stupid troll!" said Miles Edgeworth.

"Ahahaha no!" said the Vile Troll. "I'm here to ruin Christmas because I got coal in my stocking! Prepare to have Christmas ruined!"

"Nrrhgghhg no!" said Miles Edgeworth. "This is worse than the time my father died in the DL-6 incident!"

The Vile Troll saw the amazing man known as Dakoolguy AKA Lance Takumi standing there. The Vile Troll smiled like the Grinch.

"Hee hee hee!" said the Vile Troll. "Dakoolguy, you are an incel!"

Dakoolguy started crying because it wasn't true, it was a lie! A lie on Christmas!

But then Santa flew his sleigh threw the window and wagged his finger at the Vile Troll.

"Troll, that's a lie! That's why you're on the naughty list! It's time for a trial!"

Santa was the judge.

"The defense is ready," said John Phoenix.

"The prosecution is ready," said the vile troll.

"Okay start" said Santa.

"Dakoolguy is an incel" said the vile troll.

"OBJECTION!" said John Phoenix. "But he's not. He's had sex! A lot of sex!"

"NO!" said the vile troll. "YOU HAVE NO PROOF!"

"Yes I do!" said John Phoenix. He presented the fact that dakoolguy wasn't an incel. "As you can see, the truth will out!"

"NO, NO WOMAN WILL EVER TOUCH HIM!"

"Wouldn't they? Especially during this wonderful time of the year? On Chris... Chris... Chris-mouse? Is that what you call it?"

Then Thalassa came to the witness stand and kissed Dakoolguy on the cheek.

"Here is a kiss for a very special Christmas boy." He blushed a little bit.

Then Lana Skye kissed him, too.

"You're such a special Chrismas boy this time of year."

Then every other adult woman from the Ace Attorney series who was canonically at least 20 during their introduction to the series and who were not mentally impaired or dead came and kissed him on the cheek.

"NOO!" said the Vile Troll, blown back like Winston Payne. "WHAT IS THIS!"

"It's a very special Christmas boy getting his just desserts on Christmas," said Dakoolguy AKA me. "It is only my due."

The Judge slammed his reindeer. "I find the Vile Troll guilty!"

The vile troll was arrested and put on death row.

"Hooray for John Phoenix!" cried Phoenix Wright, tipsy, raising his wine goblet.

"Daddy! You're only supposed to drink grape juice like in Ace Attorney Part 4!" said Trucy.

John Phoenix did a cool dance.

THE END

And then Larry shut his book shut.

"And that was my new children's story about Chistmas" said Larry Butz. "And the best part, children? It's all true and actually happened to me. The end!"

THE END