To Mourn & To Love

Faren took his first lap around the castle, only pausing when Zevran fell into step beside him just as he began the second lap of his jog. He tilted his head, but Zevran only grinned back cheerfully.

"You looked deep in thought," Zevran said. "Is everything alright?"

"It'll be fine," Faren lied. "Just Grey Warden news."

He couldn't have a family of his own and he was going to die young. His dad had been terrified of that. Faren had even reassured him that one day that might all be possible and now it wasn't and Faren was scared. Faren could die before his dad. He might make his dad lose the last of his family. Yes, he would have Shianni and Soris still around, but Faren knew that wasn't the same.

"I had to admit, I thought you Grey Wardens were going to be dark, grim and serious, but you've all had quite the complicated time so far," Zevran mused. "So why did you make things difficult for yourselves by taking on a risk like me?"

Faren slowed down his jog to a walk, panting softly. Zevran slowed down with him, stopping just in front of him, eyes watching him carefully. Faren smiled, but walked right past him, gesturing for him to keep going too.

"I trust Lawrien's judgement considering her empathy abilities, so naturally the decision was that much easier for me," Faren admitted. "But nevertheless, I would probably have wanted to keep you alive regardless of her abilities."

Zevran startled. "But why?"

"I had a friend once. He also was going to become a Grey Warden, but sadly died in the attempt," Faren murmured quietly. "His name was Daveth, and he was a fellow thief in the Thieves Guild. Anyway, he had the same look you had in your eyes once, before he joined us."

"The same look?" Zevran flashed a smile. "My dashing smile?"

Faren threw him a weak smile. "Of having lost hope."

Zevran stopped, and Faren did too. They stared at one another, the smile fallen from Zevran's face.

"Me and my dad had the same look too after my mum died," Faren said, glancing up at the starry night sky. "So I recognised it well enough. Daveth left his home the moment he could run and never looked back, but Denerim isn't an easy place to start a new life, and he was on the streets for months, barely surviving..." Faren stared at his feet. "Then one day there was a fight between the Thieves Guild and the guards, and it got a lot of people killed, one of those people being someone Daveth relied on for food and water..."

It had gotten his mum murdered. Died on the Commander of the Guard's sword. Daveth's friend had died in that fight. It had all been Faren's fault. Sure, Daveth had never blamed him, but it didn't matter. Faren had been the one in need of rescuing, and because of that, it had gotten so many people hurt and killed.

"The Ghost, the leader of the guild, and I, found Daveth starving to death and brought him into the Thieves Guild." Faren fiddled with the strands of his hair. "And it took a long time, but he began to dream again."

Until the Joining killed him.

"And you?" Zevran asked quietly.

Faren shrugged. "I have things I want I suppose, but nothing big. I was way too busy."

Working for Vaughan. Being raped by Vaughan. Stealing with the Thieves Guild. Working at the Raven's Wing. Looking after his dad. Looking after Shianni and Soris. The orphanage.

By the Maker he had been overworking himself. How could being a Grey Warden be simpler? That was madness!

"I suppose a Blight would keep one busy," Zevran chuckled. "But what about afterwards?"

"First thing?" Faren grinned. "Eat, bathe, and sleep at some fancy inn. Maker knows I've pocketed enough coin for it by now."

Zevran's eyes brightened. "Now that sounds like a good idea! I hope you would be up for some handsome company in that fancy inn of yours too," he added with a wink.

Faren winked. "Maybe for dessert."

Zevran opened his mouth to speak, grinning widely, but they both stopped when they saw a shadow standing at the edge of the cliff side of Redcliffe castle, staring into the distance of the village, where Faren noticed more boats going out into the darkness of the sea, slowly being lit on fire. Cobian stood at the edge, a mournful look on his face, eyes distant, as if he was lost in memories.

"Cobian?" Faren called gently.

"Such a charming man such as yourself shouldn't stand out here in the cold night air looking so glum," Zevran said, but Cobian didn't reply.

Faren approached him and hesitantly prodded his arm with a finger. Cobian blinked then eyed him, frowning.

"Sorry, lost in thought."

"We noticed," Faren mused.

"Coin for your thought?" Zevran asked.

Cobian glanced back out into the darkness again, then sighed and lowered his gaze down to his feet. "I'm not sure how much Howe and Uncle Loghain told you about me?"

"Not much. Loghain wanted you alive and Howe wanted you dead, but the contract belonged to Loghain- for whatever reason it was bought him his name- so Loghain's decision outweighed Howe's on the matter," Zevran admitted.

"The reason Howe wants me dead is because I'm a Cousland. He attacked my home and murdered my parents and sister-in-law while our army was in Ostagar fighting the darkspawn and has now laid claim to our homeland and titles," Cobian said it all so swiftly, almost coldly, eyes watering.

Most others wouldn't have been able to see it, but Faren and Zevran were elves, trained in darkness and shadows, and they both shared a concerned look. Cobian rarely looked this upset, even during their travels to Ostagar and learning of Cailan's death after the battle. It took Faren an embarrassingly long time to catch on. Redcliffe was holding their funerals, and Cobian hadn't gotten to attend a single one for any of his loved ones yet. He hadn't gotten to say goodbye to even a single person yet.

"I hope my family and household members had people to lay their bodies to rest..." Cobian muttered. "I hope Howe at least did that for them..."

Faren hesitantly reached up and faltered. It took him a moment, but he thought of his mum and laid a hand on Cobian's shoulder. Cobian's shoulders trembled, and Faren heard a soft sniffle.

Faren squeezed his shoulder reassuringly. "We do our best to end the Blight as Teyrn Cousland wanted and then we can go back to your home and reclaim it."

Because that had been what Teyrn Cousland had wanted at the end of it all. For Cobian to live and fight on in their name, and Faren knew that Cobian took that duty seriously. That he'd do his best to succeed.

Faren would too, for Cobian, and for the Cousland family who died fighting for their home, for their family and people.

Then they would kill Howe and put his head on a spike like King Cailan had wanted to do.

Cobian smiled shakily. "Really?"

Faren nodded. "You think any of us would ever leave that business unfinished? We all want a piece of Howe for what he did to you."

Faren almost flinched when Cobian yanked him into an embrace. A nobleman was hugging him. Lord Cousland- No. Cobian. A fellow Grey Warden. A brother-in-arms. Faren softened against him and hugged him back.

Zevran looked oddly confused over Cobian's shoulder, like hugging wasn't a normal thing, and between an elf and a human? Yeah, probably not. Faren would be the first to admit that. But Cobian could use the hug, and Faren had to admit, he could too. So much had happened since he had left Denerim.

Way too much.

.::.

Ciara stopped mid-step.

Alistair blinked, glancing back at her. "Ciara?"

"Why are Cobian and Faren hugging?" she asked, blinking hard again. Was she dreaming? Did she pass out again? Was the blood loss that bad?

Alistair's brow furrowed, but he came back to her side and looked out the window. "Huh, yeah, they are. Zevran looks confused."

"Are we supposed to say something?" Ciara tilted her head. "It's kind of awkward now that we're watching them."

"Just shrug and look dumb. It's what I do." Alistair smiled, walking away again.

Ciara chuckled and followed after him. "I heard it can be a useful skill at times."

"When I don't want to do something then yeah." Alistair laughed.

Ciara smiled fondly, but paused when her hand brushed the amulet in her coat. Alistair glanced back at her, tilting his head curiously, so she brought it out. Ciara had seen it when Torph had almost stolen it, and recalled Alistair's story about flinging his mother's amulet against a wall when he had first been sent away to the Chantry.

It had been smashed to pieces, but Arl Eamon had repaired it and kept it.

He must have cared for Alistair a lot.

Alistair's brow furrowed. "Isn't that...?" He trailed off uncertainly, as she settled it into his hands.

He cradled it, carefully brushing a finger over the repair work. It wasn't repaired by a master craftsmen or such, and Ciara had the feeling it had been Arl Eamon himself who tried to fix it. He had personally tried to fix Alistair's amulet, the one thing left to him by his mother.

"I believe it is your mother's amulet," Ciara said softly. "You told me about it a long time ago, but I only recalled it when Torph was going through the Arl's drawers."

Alistair twitched. "That dwarf." He shook his head, and sighed. "You said it was in the Arl's draw? He kept it?"

"And mended it," Ciara said. "I think you meant a lot more to him than you realised, Alistair. He might not know you for the man you are now, but he did love the boy he tried to raise in his own way."

Alistair's face fell. "We never really talked that much... And with the way I left... I thought I lost her necklace to my own stupidity." He managed a shaky smile. "Thank you, Ciara, for this, and remembering what I said. Most people don't."

"You're important to me," Ciara said.

Alistair's eyes watered, but he swallowed it back and laughed. "Is this the part where the music starts and we begin dancing? Because I'm game! Where's Leliana's singing when you need it?"

Ciara rolled her eyes. "And you ruined it."

"You know you like my quirky humour," Alistair teased.

"Yes, but at a time and a place." Ciara walked on, passing by Alistair who laughed sheepishly.

"Sorry, you know how easily embarrassed I get."

"You would think after a year together you would be less embarrassed around me," Ciara pointed out as they arrived at her room. "Goodnight, Alistair."

Alistair rubbed the back of his head. "Goodnight, Ciara."

She sighed and reached up, planting a kiss on his cheek. "There is no reason to look gloomy. Just take my words into some consideration, would you?"

Alistair nodded, and reached down to squeeze her hand gently. "Have a good sleep, Ciara."

"I'll be sure to fall asleep quickly enough given everything that's happened," Ciara mused. "You better try get some sleep as well. We're going to need all the rest we can get."

.::.

Torph had no idea why Leliana had chosen to walk with him when she had spotted him, but she had picked a good time considering how Ciara and Alistair parted. The moment Ciara closed the door to her guest room Torph cackled.

Alistair jumped. "Torph!"

"I can't believe that is how you respond to such a romantic gesture." Leliana huffed, crossing her arms.

Alistair flushed. "W-Wait, how much of that did you see?"

"We saw her give you that amulet from the Arl's study," Torph said, smirking. "Leliana thought you were going to be all romantic and shit and nearly had hearts in her eyes, then you went and said all that shit about music!" Torph laughed again at the memory. "I've never seen the bard's face fall so fast!"

"She gave you such a sweet gift and you didn't give that poor woman anything in return but a joke?" Leliana tapped her foot off the ground. "I expected so much better of you, Alistair."

"Just because he's a prince doesn't mean he's gonna ride in on a horse with a rose in his mouth," Torph snorted. "Would be funny as hell though."

"I didn't take you for the type to read romance stories, Torph," Aistair said dryly.

"I can barely read, dipshit, so nah. Just heard that smushy stuff from my sister when she was a teenager," Torph said.

"You have a sister?" Alistair blinked.

"Don't change the subject!" Leliana scolded. "We need to work on your romantic skills. I can't imagine how sad Ciara must be after having you reject such a loving advance."

Torph rolled his eyes. "It wasn't like Ciara was proposing marriage or something."

Alistair choked. "M-Marriage?" His cheeks went bright pink.

"Ciara isn't the type of person to show such sweet gestures often," Leliana insisted. "It might not have been a proposal, but she was showing you her affections, Alistair. Women like Ciara don't tend to show them often, so you should appreciate every single one of them and encourage it."

"Why are you talking about Ciara in front of her doorway?" Morrigan raised a brow as she approached from the opposite way. "You could just knock on it and ask for her thoughts on the matter."

Torph cackled. "You overheard everything too?"

"Alistair is a buffoon, that is obvious, but the matter it also none of our concern." Morrigan huffed.

Leliana shook her head. "We're friends, or travelling companions at the very least. We should always try to help each other out, especially when it comes to the growing romances of our friends."

The door creaked open, startling them all, and they all flinched when Ciara glowered at them.

"If you want to talk about me without me involved in the conversation, then at least take it further down the hallway where I can't hear you, so that I can sleep in peace," Ciara said through gritted teeth.

"S-Sorry." They all stammered.

To be fair, she looked terrifying with that glare.