Adrift

Cas did as he was told and went for a shower. He stayed under the water for longer than he should have, but he couldn't wash away the crawling pressure he felt on his skin. Once clean and dry, he finally took the long walk back to the lab. The rest of the team were inside. Crowley was staring at his laptop, but his eyes weren't moving. Anna was asleep, Kevin was watching the emergency alert looping over and over again, his eyes bloodshot.

Alfie saw him first, and ran over to hug him.

'It's good to have you back,' Alfie said, his voice slightly hoarse.

Cas squeezed him, then let go to address the whole room.

'You're probably all mad or upset, but we have a job to do. We can still fix this,' he said. 'Crowley, I want you to stay on the mutation. Find out how it's doing that. Anna and Kevin, keep working on the chemosynthesis. Alfie, you're with me, we're going to go through the files the W.H.O sent us before it went down.'

They worked in silence, but for the occasional sniffling from Anna.

'We can do this,' Alfie kept muttering under his breath, labelling and filing the images they had access to.

The hours dragged on, but none of them let up until they couldn't fight off sleep any longer. Cas noticed their energy flagging and made them all go to bed.

It was odd being in the room he shared with Alfie again, and he curled up on the bottom bunk. The mattress was only slightly softer than the one in the room he'd been captive in, but it was enough to soothe the aching in his limbs. He was drifting off when he heard Alfie softly calling him from the top bunk.

'Cas?' he said quietly.

'Mm?'

'Your implants,' he murmured. 'We can't fix them now.'

Cas sighed. 'I know, Alfie.'

There was a rustling and creaking of metal, and Alfie's head appeared over the edge of his bed.

'But if they shut down, you'll die.'

Cas grimaced at Alfie's wide, worried eyes. 'I know that too,' he said. It wouldn't be pleasant either. Without a ventilator, he would slowly suffocate. 'We'll just have to hope we can find something before that happens.'

Alfie's eyes filled with tears. 'I don't want you to die.'

Cas's heart wrenched. 'That's really sweet of you, but I was already on borrowed time anyway. All I can do is make it count, right?'

'Okay,' Alfie said in a small voice. He didn't seem convinced, but he pulled his head back in and settled down in bed.

Cas stared up at the underside of Alfie's bed, unable to stop thinking about what would happen to him no matter how much he tried to clear his mind.

In the following days, Cas avoided going to the mess hall as much as possible. Though the crew treated him professionally, he couldn't bear the fury and sadness that followed them around, or the names of their loved ones that flashed through his head when he saw them. Instead, he would hastily grab some food and bring it back to the lab with him.

'Won't you contaminate the samples doing that?' Dean asked one day, as he was passing the lab and noticed Cas was the only one still inside, munching on a protein bar.

'Not if I'm careful,' Cas said.

Dean watched him for a while, but disappeared back into the depths of the submarine when the rest of the team came back to the lab.

They continued to work quietly, but slowly, losing more and more motivation as the hours passed and they found nothing.

'It's a complex virus,' Cas tried to remind them. 'We've never seen anything like this before, no one has. We're not going to find the cure in a day.'

It didn't help, and their work slowed to almost a complete halt.

Dean went back and forth between the lab, the control room, and the reactor. He too noticed the dismal level of morale, in both Cas's team and his own crew. His solution came in the form of fresh air.

The Impala was carefully floated to the surface and brought to a stop, then Dean's voice came over the intercom.

'All personnel report to deck. Bring your swimming trunks.'

The change in the atmosphere was instant. Instead of the heavy despair hanging over their shoulders, a buzz of excitement entered the ship, pushing them up from the balls of their feet.

They formed a queue at the base of the ladder that would take them outside the ship. The hatch was open, and Dean was waiting at the top, helping the crew over the top of the ladder.

Cas joined the queue last. He wouldn't swim, but after so long at sea, he ached for sunlight.

It seared his eyes at first, but eventually his vision adjusted to the light, and he looked around.

The "deck" of the Impala wasn't so much a deck, as it was a large, slightly sloped surface that hadn't yet been cluttered with scientific equipment. The crew were busy jumping in and out of the glittering water, their troubles floating away on the waves. Cas heard whooping, and even laughter, for the first time in what felt like an age.

He sat down in an empty spot. He hadn't noticed the low-grade static in his body, until he left the pressurised environment of the ship, and it all dissipated. He clenched and unclenched his fists, revelling in their smooth response, then stretched out his legs, wiggling his toes inside his shoes.

Dean sat down beside him. 'You're not swimming?' he asked. He had already been in the ocean, and water dripped from his hair. He too already seemed more relaxed.

'I can't,' Cas told him, gesturing over his shoulder at his implants. 'They're watertight enough to shower, but I can't risk so much water. And the salt probably isn't good for them either.'

'That sucks.'

Cas shrugged. 'I can still enjoy the sun. This was a good idea.'

To his surprise, Dean beamed at him. 'It's been known to happen.'

'Where are we?' Cas asked.

'Passed Cape Town this morning. We're making good time, considering.'

Cas grimaced. He wasn't the only one that struggled to sleep at night, and he'd heard Dean making the walk from his cabin to the reactor many times, keeping it running and stable.

Dean allowed them all another hour of leisure time before ordering them back into the ship.

Cas again waited until everyone else had gone, and followed them all back inside.

'We'll stop again at the equator,' Dean said as he closed and sealed the hatch. 'The solar cells will need recharging by then.'

'Sounds good to me,' said Cas, rolling his shoulders and wringing his hands as the static returned to his body.

Cas was the first back to the lab, while the others dried off. When they returned, they seemed refreshed, and they went back to their work with renewed vigour.

Crowley, however, soon became frustrated. 'We need a live sample,' he said.

'Absolutely not,' Cas said. 'We're not set up for that sort of biohazard, and you absolutely would accidentally infect yourself.'

Crowley rolled his eyes. 'I don't know how you expect us to find a cure when we can't test anything on it.'

'Test it on the plant strain we have. We can grow plenty of that.'

'It's not the same.'

'I know that,' Cas snapped. 'But we still need to cure the plant strain anyway, otherwise there's no point in curing the human strain.'

Crowley groaned, but did as he was told.

Alfie went between Cas and Anna, doing his best to help, but he still seemed preoccupied, and kept checking his tablet.

Cas worried about him, and said as much to Dean when it was just the two of them in the lab. His visits had become more frequent, now that he had wrangled the reactor into something resembling dormancy, and often coincided with mealtimes, when Cas would shoo the others out.

'So, what's his problem?' Dean asked, handing Cas a sandwich.

Cas looked up from his microscope and sighed. 'I'm going to die,' he said, 'and Alfie isn't a fan of that thought.'

'Yeah, well, so are we all, he should get over it.'

Cas snorted. 'It'll be sooner rather than later for me, though.'

'What? Why?'

Cas hesitated. 'My implants are degrading, and now there's no way to fix them. When they fail, I'll die.'

Dean's eyebrows shot up. 'That's - wow - that really sucks, man.'

'That's one way to put it.'

'Did you know that would happen, when you pressed the switch?'

Cas looked Dean in the eyes. 'I thought it might be a possibility,' he said. 'I didn't have much time to dwell on the specifics, though.'

Dean chuckled. 'No, I guess not.'

Cas shook his head. 'How are you holding up?' he asked, changing the topic.

'Me?' said Dean, surprised. 'I'm fine, I guess.'

'You're getting enough sleep?'

'Why do you care?'

Cas shrugged. 'Just making conversation.'

Dean still looked suspicious, but answered, 'I get a solid four hours.'

'Four?'

'Someone has to keep an eye on the reactor.'

'I thought it was stable now?'

Dean folded his arms. 'And I wanna keep it that way.'

Cas looked away guiltily. 'I-'

'I don't need to hear any more of your apologies,' Dean said firmly. 'We're past that now.'

Cas clamped his mouth shut and nodded.

Just then, the others came back from their lunch break.

'Hello, Commander,' Alfie said, spotting Dean first. He smiled, but it seemed strained.

Dean stood up and gave Alfie a brief, analysing look. 'Well, I'm out, see you nerds later.' He left and they all settled back into their work, except for Alfie, who drifted around the room without focusing on anything.

A couple of hours passed, and Dean came back with Charlie in tow.

'Hey, Alfie, Charlie wanted to know how your submersible works,' he said.

'I do?' said Charlie, then Dean elbowed her. 'Right! I do. Do you think you could show me?'

Alfie's face lit up. 'Sure!' Then he turned to Cas. 'Can you guys spare me for a few hours?'

Cas smiled. 'Go ahead.'

Dean caught his eye and winked.

Alfie spent the rest of the afternoon with Charlie, and came back in a much better mood

Dean made it clear to the crew that they would again be stopping for some leisure time once they reached the equator. With something to look forward to, the attitude on board the ship became somewhat more positive. Dean himself, however, wore a deep frown more often than not, and called Cas and his team to the command centre as they passed the border to Namibia.

'What's going on?' Cas asked.

'I'm only showing you this because I'm hoping it'll mean something to you,' Dean said. He reached down to one of the computers and tapped a few keys. 'We passed an abandoned fleet carrier a couple days ago, and Charlie commandeered a few of their drones.'

Images came up on the computer screen. Scores of ships and boats floated aimlessly on the ocean. Patched together rafts, even surfboards tied together bobbed between them.

'What the-?'

'Charlie, get in close,' Dean said.

The drone they were watching through zoomed closer to a cruise liner, then it became clear what Dean wanted them to see. Infected. Hundreds of them. Milling about on the deck and inside the ship, until they heard the drone and all turned towards it. Most of their eyes had turned black - those that still had eyes - and they regarded the drone with such hatred on their faces it made Cas shiver.

'We managed to trick some into the water,' Dean told them. 'They can't swim. I guess that's why so many people tried to get out to sea.'

Crowley leaned closer. 'How are they still - I suppose "alive" isn't quite the right word for it?'

Cas shook his head. 'That's an excellent question.'

'They seem intact for the most part.'

Though some bore injuries that would have been fatal to a living human, they still shuffled about the ship. Others that weren't visibly injured showed no sign of decay at all.

'That's not possible,' Cas murmured.

'Well, there's been a lot of that going around,' said Dean.

'Can they see?' Cas asked.

'Don't know,' said Dean. 'They can hear though. They always turn towards the drone when they hear it.'

'What is that black stuff coming out of them?' Alfie asked.

'Can't know for sure without a sample,' Cas frowned. 'Blood maybe?'

'Can we get any samples?' Alfie asked Dean.

Dean shook his head. 'They attack the drones if we get too close. We lost one a few hours ago. Seems like they like their personal space.'

'Damn.'

'Wait, wait, go back,' Crowley said abruptly.

'You see something?'

'Look.' Crowley pointed at one of the infected near the empty pool on the cruise ship. 'That one's different.'

'Charlie, take us back around the pool.'

The drone circled back and to the infected man Crowley had noticed.

'Look, this one's producing yellow fluid, not black.'

'Pus?'

'It's hard to tell.'

'I'll get you guys some stills and we're still working on picking up some satellites. Not the easiest thing to do from inside a submarine, Charlie says, but she wants the big picture,' Dean explained. 'For now, though, we're moving further away from shore so we don't disturb any more of these.'

'Thank you,' Cas said, then ushered everyone back to the lab, where they could properly examine the images that Charlie was sending them.

There wasn't much to go on, and they were soon sick of cycling through the same images over and over again. Their workflow dipped again, and Cas knew they were more than ready for their stop at the equator.

The day finally came, as the Impala slowed to a crawl, evidently in need of more power. Dean announced over the intercom that they would have to stop for the entire day, and everyone would be allowed two hours of time outside after lunch.

Alfie was delighted, and gave everyone he saw a huge smile, though to Cas, it seemed slightly forced. Dean even let him inflate one of the giant, orange life rafts. He lay in it, relaxed, wearing a pair of sunglasses.

'Don't stay out too long, you're not wearing any sunscreen,' Cas called out to him.

Alfie just waved him off, and lay back, staring up at the sky.

Cas was again grateful to be rid of the static in his limbs, and wandered around on deck, watching his team swimming, floating, having fun. He pushed the state of the world from his mind, just for a moment, and allowed himself to enjoy the fresh air, and the sun.

All too soon, it was time to go back inside. Cas was feeling some numbness in his left arm, and went to his room to find Alfie's tablet.

Cas frowned, finding it left neatly on his pillow, with a post-it stuck to the screen, with "I'm sorry" written on it in Alfie's handwriting. He picked up the tablet and walked over to the lab, where Anna, Kevin and Crowley were setting their stations back up.

'Has Alfie come back in yet?' he asked them.

'Haven't seen him,' said Anna.

Crowley shrugged and Kevin shook his head.

Then Dean appeared in the doorway to check on them.

'Did you see Alfie come back in?' Cas asked.

'He didn't come back in with you?'

They heard more footsteps outside, and Sam came in with a worried crease in his forehead. He was holding a tablet of his own.

'What's wrong?' Dean asked.

'We were just doing inventory, and we're missing a gun from the armoury. Do you have it?'

'What? Why would I have it?'

Cas looked down at the post-it again, and his blood ran cold. 'Oh God,' he gasped. He threw the tablet down on the table and sprinted through the submarine, shoving anyone who got in his way aside. He heard someone following him, but ignored them, scrambling up the ladder and out of the hatch.

He spun around on deck, hands on his head. There was no sign of Alfie anywhere, and all he could hear was the waves and his own panicked breathing. Then, finally, he spotted the bright orange of the life raft on the horizon. Cas hurriedly kicked off his shoes, preparing to dive into the water, but he was seized from behind by Dean.

'Get off me!' Cas yelled, struggling to get free of Dean's grip.

'You can't,' Dean grunted. 'You can't go in the water.'

'I don't care!' Cas screamed. He kicked and pulled at Dean's arms, but he was too strong.

'He's too far away, you'd never make it,' Dean insisted.

Cas ignored him and continued to struggle, but he twisted his left arm the wrong way and lost sensation in it completely. He still tried to pull free, but now with one of his arms gone, his attempts were fruitless.

'Let me go!' Cas yelled, his voice catching and tears streaming down his cheeks.

The sound of a gunshot echoed across the water and, for a moment, time stood still. A ringing sound filled Cas's head and he sunk to his knees, a horrific wail tearing past his lips. Dean still didn't let go, and held Cas while he cried.

Cas cried and screamed until he was empty. He tried to wipe his face, but only one arm responded. Finally, Dean loosened his grip on Cas, but didn't let go entirely, until Cas was on his feet.

Climbing down the ladder was a struggle, and he made his way back to the lab in a daze, Dean close on his heels. No one noticed him come in at first, until Anna looked up and frowned.

'Where's Alfie?' she asked.

Cas's stomach lurched and he stumbled over to the trash to vomit.

'What's wrong?' Anna asked, alarmed.

Dean sighed. 'Alfie's gone. I'm sorry.'

'What - what do you mean he's gone?' Anna said.

'He's dead,' said Dean.

Kevin slid out of his chair onto the floor. Anna put a hand over her mouth, and Crowley turned ghostly pale.

'What happened?' Crowley whispered.

Dean pulled Cas over to a chair and gently sat him down. 'He took one of our guns and… went out to sea.'

Anna burst into tears and Kevin put an arm around her, fighting back tears of his own.

'How do you work this thing?' Dean asked, picking up Alfie's tablet.

'Just leave it,' Cas croaked.

Dean raised an eyebrow. 'You need both of your arms, Major,' he said, tapping on the tablet.

'What's wrong with your arm?' Crowley asked.

Dean blinked in surprise. 'They don't know?'

Cas shook his head, throbbing pain building behind his eyes.

'It's not a big deal,' Cas said to Crowley. 'Parts of my spinal cord are prosthetic, that's all.'

'Oh, that's all?' Crowley said incredulously.

'It happened a long time ago,' Cas said. 'I don't want to talk about it.'

'Show this to me, will you?' Dean prompted.

Cas turned the tablet on and showed Dean how the maintenance on his implants worked. 'This was why Alfie was here,' he choked.

'It's not your fault,' Dean said firmly. He attempted to move the filaments on the implant controlling Cas's arms to the right place. He was clumsy, and electricity shot down Cas's arm as they snapped into place. 'Sorry,' Dean grimaced.

Dean stood up and looked around at their devastated expressions. 'You guys should take the day, at least. I'm sorry for your loss.'

Dean left the room, and the others started putting away their work.

'Cas, you should go lie down,' Anna said gently, but Cas shrugged her off.

'I'm staying here,' he mumbled.

Anna hesitated, but decided to leave without him.

Cas sat in complete silence, alone in the lab. He pulled up an image on the Croatoan virus, but had no intention of working. He just needed to pretend he was doing something, so he would be left alone. In truth, he couldn't stand the thought of going back to the room he shared with Alfie.

At some point, someone placed a cup of water and a bowl of food on the table beside him, but he hardly noticed. When his eyelids began to droop, he dragged himself to his feet and reluctantly went to his room. When he got there, however, he couldn't bring himself to step over the threshold. Alfie's lab coat still hung on his bed posts, and his shoes were still neatly placed by the door.

The air left Cas's lungs, and he turned away from the room. His feet carried him to the room beside Dean's cabin, but the bedding had been removed from the bed, leaving only the bare metal of the frame. He couldn't go back to his room. He just couldn't. So he knocked on Dean's door instead, hoping the commander would let him stay there for the night.

Dean opened the door, but didn't seem surprised to see him. He let Cas in, and poured them both a glass of whiskey.

Cas drained his, leaning on the commander's desk, and Dean poured him another.

Dean put a comforting hand on his shoulder, gently squeezing it, and before Cas could stop himself, he turned and wrapped his arms around Dean, burying his head in Dean's shoulder. It was a relief to feel something other than the devastation ripping through his heart, and he held on to Dean as though his life depended on it.

Dean softly rubbed his back, careful to avoid touching his implants.

Cas couldn't control his emotions any longer. He'd done his best to hold it in ever since he'd pressed the stasis switch, but now it all came pouring out of him, and Dean was more understanding than Cas had imagined him to be. His embrace was soothing and warm, as he gently swayed Cas on the spot to help calm him.

When Cas finally looked up at Dean, Dean was looking at him with such concern and sympathy that, with the whiskey and thundering emotions swirling around him, Cas pressed his lips to Dean's.

Cas immediately pulled away, realising what he had done, shaking his head. 'Sorry,' he whispered. He turned to leave. He would just have to find somewhere else to sleep. But then, to his great surprise, Dean grabbed his hand. Cas turned back to him.

'Stay,' Dean murmured.

Cas nodded and let Dean lead him to the bed. Dean kissed him, his hands pulling at Cas's clothes. Cas pressed his hands to Dean's warm skin, allowing himself to be pushed onto the bed, losing himself in Dean's touch. Dean was gentle with him, enveloping him in kindness and understanding, bringing him back to himself and making him almost whole again.