Jalec || Shadowhunters || Jalec || To Be His Everything || Jalec || Shadowhunters || Jalec
Title: To Be His Everything – Jalec Secret Santa 2023
Fandom: Shadowhunters: The Mortal Instruments
Disclaimer: All rights to the Shadowhunters show reserved to Ed Decter, the books the show is based off and its characters belong to Cassandra Clare. This fanfiction on the other hand is entirely mine. No money is made with this, though reviews are more than welcomed.
Tags: m/m, fluff, mutual pining, canon divergence
Main Pairing: Jalec
Shadowhunters Characters: Jace Herondale, Alec Lightwood, Isabelle Lightwood, Lydia Branwell
Summary: As teenagers, Jace, Alec and Izzy are spending the winter in Idris and meet Lydia for the first time. And for the first time, Jace feels… jealous. Though he doesn't quite understand why, or what it means, at first.
To Be His Everything
Jalec Secret Santa 2023
Many things in Jace's life were unsure. Ever since his father had died, Jace had felt like he was floating aimlessly. The Lightwoods took him in, sure, but it wasn't until his parabatai ceremony with Alec that Jace felt anchored for the first time in many, many years.
From that moment on, there was exactly one thing in Jace's life that he was sure of. And that was that Alexander Lightwood was his person. Jace had never had a person to himself like that. Well, he'd always only had his father. He'd never had… friends, or peers he knew from school, or siblings the way the Lightwoods had each other. It'd always only been him and his father.
And now it were him and Alec and Izzy and Max and Maryse and Robert and Hodge and a whole Institute full of other competent Shadowhunters and peers for Jace. Yet still, even in that sea of people, Alec felt… special. Different. His. That was the only way Jace could describe it in a way that made sense to him. Alec was his, whatever that meant.
When he learned about parabatai, he thought he'd found his answer. That was what it meant. Parabatai shared a soul, were inherently each other's in a manner nobody ever could. And that was what Alec was. Jace couldn't imagine anyone ever being as important to him.
Alec had been there for him from the first day they'd met. Alec was an incredible listener, but he also never pushed about things, made Jace feel like he had to share things. He always had Jace's back, always had the time for Jace. Particularly in the first weeks of living at the Instiute, Jace had been very anxious – so many strangers, so many potential threats – and that, coupled with his father's death and the memories of that, had led to so many nightmares. Alec had never made fun of him, had accepted him into his bed even. Holding him, protecting him from the nightmares.
Becoming parabatai had been the perfect, logical next step. There was no one like Alec. There would never be anyone like Alec. And now, their souls were bound together.
For as long as he'd known Alec, it had been the two of them. Izzy and Max were also there, were also important to Jace, but Alec was… special. Alec was his. Where Izzy was a social butterfly, Alec had never quite gathered friends. He hung out with Isabelle's friends too, but he mostly kept to himself – and to Jace. Which only made it feel all the more like what they had was special.
One winter, when they were seventeen, something changed.
Usually, the Lightwood parents wouldn't be gone over the holidays, but the Clave had been particularly busy. So they brought their kids and Jace over, to spend the holidays and the New Year in Idris. Which, in itself, didn't have to be a bad thing. It could have been an interesting adventure for him, Alec and Izzy. They'd never been in Idris for so many days at a time, and since Robert and Maryse were very busy, the teens were left to their own devices for the majority of the two weeks, sans the holidays themselves of course.
And then they met Lydia Branwell. Lydia Branwell, daughter of some consul that the Lightwoods were working with, Jace didn't care about all that. Lydia Branwell, with her perfect smile and perfectly kept blonde long hair and gentle eyes. Lydia Branwell, who hit it off with Alec oh-so well. The two were playing games together, talking softly, all of a sudden… Alec wasn't just Jace's anymore. All of a sudden, it was 'Sorry, I already made plans with Lydia'.
Jace knew how egocentrical it sounded, but he had never been told no by Alec before. He'd never been ditched in favor of someone else before. And it stung and it also confused Jace so much. He'd never felt that way before and he didn't know what to do with these feelings, aside from being frustrated by them. And then Alec would look at him with those large, warm, brown eyes of his, like he was feeling guilty for not dropping everything for Jace, and then Jace felt guilty for even feeling that way because of course did he not own all of Alec's time and attention.
It was just… that he was used to having them. That was how it had always been, ever since he met Alec. So it was weird, to no longer be the sole center of Alec's attention. Now there was this girl.
And Jace supposed that was part of the problem, wasn't it? That Lydia was a girl. What if she wouldn't just be a friend for Alec? Alec had never had a girlfriend before. What if she was going to be the new person Alec would center her life around?
That was a fear that gripped Jace's heart like an ice-cold vice.
"Gee, what did that poor training dummy do to you, Jace? Steal your bacon?"
More like stole his parabatai. And Jace wasn't exactly focusing on the dummy while training. He glared daggers at the dummy before taking a step back and turning toward Izzy. She cocked an eyebrow at him, but thankfully didn't press the matter. Instead, she picked two staffs off the wall and threw one at Jace to catch.
"C'mon, training with a real person may help you work out whatever issues you have better."
A small smile found its way onto Jace's lips at that. He could always rely on Izzy too. Even though he wished Alec was here, instead of out there somewhere with Lydia – checking out the Branwell family library. Jace ground his teeth together as he thought of Alec in a library alone with Lydia.
/break\
Alec furrowed his brows and rested a hand on his parabatai-rune. It had been tingly for days now. Tingling with irritation and frustration coming from Jace. But every time Alec tried talking to Jace about it, the blonde would simply shrug it off.
Alec loved Jace – loved Jace more than he should – but by the Angel, this boy was so damn frustrating! Why couldn't he talk about his feelings. Not even confide in his parabatai. Wasn't that why they had become parabatai in the first place? Because they had each other's backs? Because they trusted each other? Yet still, so often, Jace would push him away.
And Alec understood. To a degree, he understood. He knew more about Jace's childhood than anyone else alive beside Jace. And… Alec understood more about Jace's childhood than even Jace himself, because Jace didn't want to see certain things. Didn't want to see that the way his father had treated him wasn't normal. That Jace deserved better than that. That Jace deserved to be loved and feel safe. So yes, Alec knew that Michael Wayland had fundamentally broken a part of Jace that Alec was now painstakingly trying to put together again and that this was going to take time and patience. However, knowing all of this didn't make it any less frustrating.
Sometimes, Alec just wanted to grab Jace and pull him into the tightest hug possible and yell at him JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. But then fear would grab his heart, because he knew the way he loved Jace wasn't right. Wasn't accepted. And the worst possible thing Alec could imagine was to not be accepted by Jace. What if his feelings would repulse Jace? Even though he knew Jace loved him, loved him in a different way than Alec loved Jace, in his darkest moments he feared that this love wouldn't be strong enough when faced with Alec's truth. So Alec kept quiet. Ate his feelings. Kept them locked away as far as possible, tried to ignore them until they would go away.
Deep down, Alec knew they would never go away. Jace was his one. How could he ever love another the way he loved Jace? They shared a soul. Even when not physically by each other's side, they were forever connected. Alec could feel Jace, in his heart. In his soul.
"It's really nice to have someone to talk to, you know."
Alec looked up, looked at the other person in the room. Lydia Branwell. She was… different. Alec had a lot of problems connecting to others, even had them as a kid. Izzy was the one making friends, and Alec would just tag along, even as kids. And then came Jace and despite never having had other kids around himself as a child, somehow Jace's charms and charisma just drew people in. Like moths to a flame. Like Alec himself. But if possible, Alec got even worse at this as a teenager. Because he had this secret, this life-altering secret that he couldn't tell anyone, so he kept all others at an arm's length, because what if someone learned about it? What if someone told his parents?
They could never know. He was the firstborn, the oldest Lightwood heir. He was expected to marry a nice girl one day, from a respectable Shadowhunter family, and have a bunch of kids who would continue the Lightwood name, while Alec would become consul.
His life was perfectly mapped out, had been perfectly mapped out ever since he was a little boy.
There was no space for hopelessly pining for a boy. Being in love with his parabatai. So these things needed to stay locked up, so he could continue on the path set out for him. Be a good son, a good soldier, a good Shadowhunter, a good brother, a good parabatai. Not be different.
Lydia Branwell was the first person, outside Alec's family, that he felt comfortable to be around. They were on the same wave-length. She was brilliant, ambitious, strong, kind. She was the perfect girl. But she was still a girl. In another life, one where he wasn't the way he was, he could imagine loving her. He knew his parents hoped for it in this life, whenever he spent time with her, since she was the first girl he spent time with, and they were already seventeen, and the Branwell family was a respected Shadowhunter family. And there was a tiny part of Alec who thought maybe he could push through it. Maybe him and Lydia could be something? Maybe he could be able to fall in love with her, if he gave himself enough time? That tiny part was overshadowed by reality though, by the feelings he had for Jace, by the thought of Jace's brightest smile, and he knew he was lying to himself. Though he didn't know what that would mean for his future.
"You seem really distracted today, Alec. Is everything okay?"
"Mh?" Alec looked up. "No. Sorry. I just… End of the year, you know how it is. Always has this effect of making you think about this past year and the things you didn't do and the things you may do next year, right?"
Lydia didn't look entirely convinced, she just raised one eyebrow at him and didn't comment any further. Alec was thankful for it. These were thoughts he was already struggling hard enough to put into words even for himself, he wasn't ready to voice them to anyone aloud.
"Have you ever… liked someone? Like, as more than a friend?"
Alec's head snapped up at that. "I… uh… what? Why do you… Why do you ask?"
Lydia cracked a smile at his ridiculous reaction. "So you do like someone. It's okay, I won't pry. It's not about that. It's just that… I like someone. And I don't really have that many friends. So."
"Oh," Alec blinked, unsure how to process that someone else wanted romantic advise from him.
"Okay so, there is this… boy," Lydia flushed a little. "His name is John. John Monteverde. And he's just so… I feel like he gets me, you know? Different than other people, like… I can just be myself with him? You know what I mean?"
Alec blinked again, slowly, and nodded. "I… yeah. Yeah I know what you mean."
And he did. Jace always accepted him, never shied away from him. With Jace, he could be who he was, even if he still didn't dare to speak that one truth aloud that would change their relationship forever. Minor detail. Didn't matter. What mattered was that Jace was his home.
"I just don't know how to tell him," Lydia groaned and covered her face with her hands. "Did… you? The person you like, did you tell them yet?"
"No," Alec choked on the word. "I don't… I wouldn't know how."
"Right?" Lydia offered a lopsided grin and bumped shoulders with Alec. "It's like. It feels like it will alter your entire life, whatever the answer."
Oh, she had no idea… Alec's hand wandered back down to his parabatai-rune, touching it gently.
/break\
The most frustrating part was that Jace didn't know how to fix this. He wanted to stop feeling so irritated when he saw Alec with Lydia, he just couldn't. And he didn't know why. Nothing had changed, right? Just the fact that he was no longer the main focus of Alec's attention.
"What is going on, parabatai?"
Jace startled at how frustrated Alec sounded. What? He was the one annoyed!
"You have been sending weird feelings through the bond lately and I-" Alec frowned at him. "I want to understand what is bothering you. So I can help you."
Jace could feel it, feel Alec's frustration with him. So that was a mutual thing then, huh. Jace huffed and ran his fingers through his hair, his other hand reaching down to caress his own parabatai rune. What was he supposed to say? Please stop spending time with Lydia Branwell because it makes me insecure in my role as your most important person? Urgh.
"Talk to me, parabatai," there was a pleading edge to Alec's words as he grasped Jace's arm.
Before Jace could open his mouth to argue, Alec had pulled him into a hug and oh. There was nothing better than a parabatai hug. Alec just had this way of fully wrapping around Jace like they were becoming one and all Jace could feel was Alec's warmth and hear Alec's heartbeat and in those moments, the world felt much, much better and safer than it actually was.
"Do you ever…" Jace's voice was muffled by Alec's chest. "When me and Izzy hang out with others, do you ever feel left out because of that?"
"No, not really," Alec chuckled a little. "I know you guys like being among many people. I'm not really… a fan of that. It's okay that you enjoy different things than I do, I think that's part of what makes us so compatible as parabatai?"
Alec paused, quietly looking down at his parabatai while things fell into place in his mind. He was currently spending a lot of time with Lydia. Was… Was Jace jealous? No. Right? Not possible.
"Is this about… Lydia?"
He could feel Jace tense up in his arms before the blonde huffed. "No. Why would it. I'm glad you're finally making some friends beside me and Iz. And if he's your… girlfriend… that's fine too. You know you could tell me that, right?"
Alec sputtered, couldn't help but start laughing at that. Girlfriend. Jace actually was jealous. How was that possible. Was that… Did that mean he really stood a chance, any kind of chance, that Jace may love him the way he loved Jace? Was the impossible actually possible?
"She is not my girlfriend, Jace. She is just a friend, who is a girl."
Slowly did he let go of Jace, releasing him from the hug, but his hand grasped Jace's. The two of them had been on their way back to the Lightwood estate after running an errant. The streets were empty, all was white from yesterday's snowfall. It was… serene.
"I'm sorry," Jace sounded tormented by the words alone. "I don't… I'm just. This is… new. And I do want you to make friends, I don't want you to feel guilty for spending time with someone else. I just also don't… know how to stop feeling so… so… frustrated by it."
"Jace. You're my parabatai. You're half my soul. Nobody will ever be more important to me than you," Alec turned toward Jace to convey his sincerity in his eyes. "Nobody."
"You say that now," Jace huffed, a crooked smile on his lips. "One day you will meet a girl who will be more than just a friend and then you're gonna get married, start a family of your own, be consul and live in Idris while I'm left in New York and…"
"Never," the single word had a cutting finality to it as Alec stopped to fully face Jace. "Whatever happens in either of our lives, there will never be an ocean between us. I'll never leave you behind, parabatai. You will always be my… everything."
That was perhaps more honest than Alec had intended it to be, but when faced with his parabatai's vulnerability. Even fear wasn't as strong an emotion as the need to comfort Jace. Jace stumbled, just a little, a furrow between his brows as he looked at Alec like he was trying to solve a riddle.
"That's the thing," Jace whispered softly, a note of despair in his voice. "The thing I want to be."
Alec stared back at him, blinking repeatedly as his cheeks flushed, and he hoped it could be blamed on the cold winter air around them. His heart fluttered and for the first time, the impossible seemed so close he could grasp it, could make it his if he just dared to.
"You are," Alec swallowed hard.
Jace stared up at him, his mismatched eyes so bright and open and beautiful that Alec got lost in them once again, as always. Alec could spend hours simply staring into them, getting lost. Those mesmerizing eyes came closer and closer as Jace stepped toward him. Leaned into him. Alec could feel the warm puffs of air, Jace's breath against his cheek.
"You're mine too," Jace's voice was barely a whisper. "I was… I was so busy learning all these new things and enjoying that there are so many people in my life now, so many… things I've never seen and experienced… I took it for granted, being your… everything. But now that I've had to share your attention, I've been… thinking. And feeling. And thinking about my feelings."
"Your… feelings?" Alec was sure his heart was going to break right through his chest.
"I thought," Jace's hands found their way to rest on Alec's chest. "I thought things were just… the way they were. That that was normal, you know? But I just… I think that they're not. I think I want to… I don't know what I want, I just know that I want you. Does that make sense?"
"More sense than you could possibly imagine," Alec's voice wobbles a little.
He concentrated on the bond between them and, for the first time, he allowed his feelings through, to their full extend. Jace gasped and staggered a little as he was overwhelmed with the intensity of Alec's love and when he looked up at Alec, it was with both clarity and confusion.
"I… don't know what to do with that," Jace admitted. "But I feel... relieved."
"I love you, parabatai," Alec whispered, an unsure smile on his lips. "I love you as my best friend, as my parabatai, as my… everything. Do with that what you want."
These words rang much truer than Alec would have thought. In this moment, with just the two of them in the quiet back-ally in Idris, with snowflakes dancing around them, Alec was ready to lay himself entirely bare in front of Jace and to accept whatever would come from it.
"I want…" Jace's hands clawed into Alec's jacket, pulling him closer. "I think I want to kiss you. To see. To see what that feels like. Is that… okay?"
Alec's brain short-circuited and needed a moment before he could nod enthusiastically. That was more than he could have asked for. Seconds later, he felt soft lips against his own. A gentle peck. And then another. And another. Growing more daring with each. Both were breathless when they parted, and Jace's eyes sparkled with more love and happiness than Alec had ever seen.
"I think I get it now," Jace grinned. "C'mon, we're running late for dinner."
"Yeah," Alec's voice was soft and warm. "Let's go home."
~*~ The End ~*~
Author's note: My contribution to the Jalec Secret Santa 2023! I hope you enjoyed it and have happy holidays!