A.N. This was my secret Santa gift for heynikkiyousofine! It's short, fluffy, and already nagging at me to add more, but it can stand alone as-is. And with this, I finally have nothing on my plate with deadlines, so hopefully I can get back to writing!
"Don't you think you should ditch the creepy smile before your face freezes that way?"
Kagome's thumb reflexively switched off her phone as her head snapped up at her brother's comment.
"Why don't you go dunk your head in a bucket of Gatorade?" She huffed, glaring at his unrepenting laugh.
Souta used a small towel to roughly wipe the sweat from his face, gulping down a mouthful of water from his bottle.
"Seriously, what's up? Every time I looked up from practice, you've been glued to your phone. The lack of sisterly attention is gonna give me some sort of a complex."
Kagome picked up her purse and started for the parking lot, ignoring Souta's yelp as he tried to make sure everything was stowed away in his duffle bag.
"If you must know, I have a date tonight, and I have a really good feeling about this one!"
Souta was still a few steps behind her, so she missed his grimace. He knew how the last dozen or so attempts had gone, and she had said the same or similar about each one.
"Is it someone you met at work or something?" He asked, trying to mask his hopefulness.
Kagome shook her head, waves of blue-black hair reflecting the glow of the setting sun.
"There isn't a decent single guy there, you know that."
Great. That meant she had met him through an app or a website, just like the other times.
They had reached Kagome's car, and Souta stowed his gear in the trunk before buckling himself into the passenger seat while Kagome started the car.
"And before you start, no, we haven't exchanged real names; yes, I am meeting him in a public place, and all the standard answers to the questions you and Mom usually ask."
Souta was quite familiar with the edgy tone she was using and knew not to push her any further. He also didn't take her reaction too personally; after the last few experiences, it was no wonder she was stressed. For her sake, he really hoped that this time was going to be different. After all, what were the odds?
Her phone buzzed in her purse, and Souta watched the happy little smile creep back across her face before she switched her attention to the road once more.
Screw hope. He was going to go pick her up a gallon of ice cream.
He had a feeling she was going to need it.
Kagome tucked an errant strand of hair behind her ear, wishing, not for the first time, that she had the type of hair that could be reliably restrained with pins. It always seemed like no matter how many she used, there would be flyaways springing from her head within an hour.
She hoped she looked alright. This restaurant was a bit more upscale than she was used to, and she wasn't sure if the silky wrap dress she was wearing was too dressy or not enough. It was black, and black was always fancy, right?
Whether it was or not, it was too late to second guess herself now.
With a steadying breath, she stiffened her spine, prayed the girls were arranged relatively symmetrically, and pushed open the door.
She could immediately tell that it was a classy place by the lighting that was so dim it practically required the staff to usher people to their seats with a flashlight. Ultra flattering for every skin type, but with the downside of not knowing your meat was undercooked until it hit that special spot in your digestive tract. Still, a free dinner was a free dinner, and well worth it if the connection she felt with this guy was as strong in real life as it felt over the internet.
"Can I help you, ma'am?"
Startled, she turned to find that a dapper waiter had glided up beside her.
"Ah, yes. I'm here to meet someone. There should be a reservation."
"Excellent. And the name?"
There was the crux of the matter. "I know this is odd, but I don't know the name. We wanted everything to be a surprise, so he said he would take care of the arrangements."
The waiter's face lit up—which meant that Kagome could make out several features from the gleam of his teeth.
"Not to worry; we've been expecting you! Right this way."
Kagome followed along, carefully winding through cloth-covered tables so she didn't catch herself on anything. They stopped at a small table tucked into a private alcove, the candles in the recessed holders giving it a cozy, warm glow.
She was the first to arrive, but she didn't mind. It gave her time to sit down and adjust her dress, something she always felt awkward and clumsy doing while being watched.
She had to say that although it wasn't the type of place she would want to frequent regularly, it felt nice to have someone who wanted to treat her to something better than average.
"Your conversations these last couple of months have meant a lot to me. Let's meet somewhere as special as you are."
The message had stunned Kagome a bit because he'd never tried anything that smooth—or cheesy. Still, she had been intrigued and hadn't gotten the sense that he expected anything in return. He hadn't even pushed when she wanted to meet in public and wait to give him her name.
All he had done was ask her to let him know if he could do anything to make the meeting as comfortable for her as possible. It made her hope that she had finally found someone who was going to be sensitive to her needs. Someone who could look outside of themselves and be considerate of her feelings.
It was an element that had been sorely lacking in her last relationship.
Normally, Kagome kept a level head and low expectations, but she couldn't help allowing her mind to drift through fuzzy, candy-colored daydreams as she waited.
It was only a matter of time before the clouds parted and the heat of the sun melted her candy-floss wings.
Movement caught her eye, and she smiled reflexively before fully taking in the shimmering silver curtain that had popped around the corner. Dread filled her heart as she raised her eyes, praying that her date would turn out to be a silver fox who got off on paying for shopping sprees.
Two fluffy triangles flicked atop his head, snuffing out her absurd hope of being a sexy fifth and final wife.
"You," she said flatly, cursing herself for not mapping out any nearby exits.
"You," Inuyasha returned, sounding depressingly unsurprised.
Kagome felt her face burning with embarrassment. She slid out of her seat, wincing as the legs scraped loudly against the floor.
"Not even gonna make it to the appetizer, huh?" He asked lightly.
She glanced up, expecting to see his face mirroring the hurt and hostility she knew was on her own. Instead, he was oddly calm and collected.
She resented the hell out of him for that.
"I'm sorry you wasted time and money on this. Let me know how much, and I'll reimburse you," she said, her voice tight and low.
"Kagome," Inuyasha sighed, running his fingers through his wild bangs, hiding her view of his eyes.
She took that moment to duck around him, retracing her path to the door. The click of her heels were like sharp, even taps of nails being driven into a coffin, signaling the death of another failed attempt at love.
She fought the urge to run.
She couldn't run.
She wanted to run.
Her vision swam as the door came into view, and she narrowly restrained herself from barreling through the couple that had just entered. She managed to get outside before the door had even shut behind them, filling her lungs with the cool evening air.
It was still too soon to run, but the parking lot was in sight, and her fingers had already fished her keys from the small clutch she carried, its size making it easier to find what she was looking for without having to slow her pace.
"Kagome, hold on!"
The shout only spurred her to move faster. If that bastard didn't believe she could sprint in these heels, then he was sadly mistaken.
Just as she reached a straight shot and was about to make her move, a large hand came down on her shoulder. She spun around, her fist raising reflexively.
"Easy! You were about to bolt like the favorite in the Kentucky Derby."
She glared at him, lowering her fist but allowing it to remain pointedly clenched. "I would never. There's only room for one horse's ass on this track."
"I guess I walked into that one."
Again, he hadn't reacted the way she had expected. Instead of snarling and snapping or shutting down completely, he wore a small smile, a tinge of sadness in his golden eyes. She wasn't sure what to make of it so she lowered her gaze, but jerked it back up again when she couldn't help but note how the black dress shirt he wore stretched over the muscles of his chest.
"What do you want, Inuyasha?" She finally settled on asking. She hated herself for being so curious, but she had to know what was so important he had chased after her.
She had thought him incapable of attaching that level of importance to her.
He started to step closer, then seemed to think better of it. "Don't you think we should talk about this?"
A harsh, bitter sound ripped its way up her throat and past her lips before she cut it off abruptly. "You want to talk?"
A bit of the old, familiar frustration crossed his face, but it lacked its usual heat.
"I wanna talk, and you want to avoid anything that makes you uncomfortable. I didn't expect a full role reversal."
She jerked back, but before she could form a scathing remark, he continued to speak. "Sorry, that wasn't fair."
The apology froze her in place. It was completely unexpected, and it had the same effect as cold water sliding past barriers to make contact with the exposed root of a tooth.
"I don't think there's anything left to say," Kagome finally answered, the energy draining from her body along with the adrenaline.
"There's always been somethin' to say, Kagome. And I've tried the last few times I've seen you, but you always run away too fast."
"You ran first."
The words hang in the air so heavily that even the sound of the surrounding traffic disappears. Only the unsteady beat of two hearts out of rhythm fills their ears.
"I did," he admited slowly. "And that's how I know it doesn't work."
It was impossible to agree. If she had been able to keep running, all of these emotions wouldn't have caught up with her.
She shook her head, sidling to her left. "I….I can't do this right now."
"Kagome," he pleaded, ears lowering to a point that she knew was painful.
"I can't."
Without waiting for a reply, she made a beeline for her car, listening for the sound of footsteps behind her. When they didn't come, she ignored the sting of disappointment, dismissing it as an echo of feelings long since laid to rest.
Her hands gripped the wheel, anchoring her in the present as memories battered against the protective walls she had built up over the last two years.
Two years since she had broken up with Inuyasha.
At least she had been the one to end it, although she had known at the time it was only because she could recognize the inevitable and chose to be the one to make the first move.
He hadn't put up a fight then, either.
Oh, he had been upset—everyone was when they were the one being left rather than the one doing the leaving. By the time they had reached that point, she had managed to almost completely block him out, knowing that he would never accept any blame for the failure of their relationship.
She had been so hopeful in the beginning. Inuyasha had been rough around the edges, but that hadn't stopped her from seeing the genuinely good heart underneath. There had just….been something so perfectly right in the way they fit together that she had been sure that they could build something lasting between them.
They probably could have, if Inuyasha hadn't been so hung up over his ex.
Sort of ex.
Could someone be considered an ex if they had never actually dated?
After having to spend far too much time thinking about it, Kagome had decided that Kikyo had been more of an idea or representation to Inuyasha. He had imposed his idea of the way he thought things should be onto her, and believed he knew how she would act and what she would say in every situation.
It was an ideal that Kagome could never live up to. No one could; how could anyone compare to someone that had never been given the chance to fail? Without having really been in a relationship with her, Inuyasha had never had the chance to fight with Kikyo, or have to deal with the quirks and idiosyncrasies that everyone possessed. Hanging onto the promise of "Maybe someday" and calling that a fully formed romance just didn't cut it.
Not that he had been overbearing about it or even really hateful. It was just the constant wistfulness of the way things "should" have been or the flashes of disappointment in his eyes when she did something that was in direct contrast to Kikyo.
Even then, Kagome had tried so hard to understand why Kikyo's final rejection of Inuyasha had hurt so much. She had never led him on (aside from him misinterpreting kindness for interest), so it wasn't like there was a major loss or change in his life.
Small arguments over it had slowly evolved into huge fights.
Unkind words were spoken on both sides.
All of the ugliness had begun to overshadow the happy times—the tender shoots that had the potential to grow into something solid and strong were choked in the weeds.
Once it had ended, Kagome had been at a loss. As hurt as she had been, it was almost frightening to realize she still loved him.
In an effort to move on, she had attempted to join various dating sites and groups. Not one to believe in paying to look for love (and being on a tight budget), Kagome had refused to pay any kind of subscription fee.
A decision that Inuyasha, unfortunately, shared.
No matter the service, they managed to find each other. Traditional matchmaking, where the best option was selected? They were "introduced" no less than three times.
Joining a class where people were paired up randomly in the hope of finding a kindred spirit through a shared interest? Ditto.
Every app. Every chat group. No matter what screen name or how either one would make subtle changes in presenting themselves, they managed to come together.
If tonight had been the first meeting, it could have been brushed off.
Or the fifth.
Even the tenth, albeit with grit teeth and a strained laugh.
Now, she was almost buried under the soul-crushing weight of having developed a relationship with someone who she knew would end up breaking her heart if she let him.
The worst part was she found herself growing used to it.
When she arrived home, she stalked to the front door, eager to hole herself up in her room to figure out where she should go from here. Should she just give up? Or maybe wait him out a cycle or two until she was sure he had been paired up with someone else.
The thought brought a pang to her heart, causing her to growl in frustration as she yanked open the front door.
Wordlessly, she took the container of extra cookie dough ice cream and a spoon that Souta handed to her as she continued on her way to her room.
"Kagome?"
If he asked if she was alright, she was going to scream.
"What."
"Next time, just let me dress in drag and go to the first meet-up, alright?"
His tone was dry, but it couldn't mask the concern in his eyes. She had to laugh at the mental image; Souta would definitely ham it up, and it would almost be worth it to see.
"Sure, let's plan on that," she said, giving him a weak smile that she knew wouldn't fool him, but it would at least let him know she was trying to make an effort.
Thankfully, he chose not to press her, and she was able to make it the rest of the way to her room in peace.
A hand emerged from a twisted comforter to slam down on the alarm clock, silencing its shrill cry. With a groan, Kagome cracked open an eye, grimacing in distaste at the gummy crust that tried to keep it sealed shut. She had cried for too long last night, and she knew her eyes were swollen by how tender they felt.
The container of ice cream sat on her bedside table, completely scraped of all its contents. Her stomach twisted uncomfortably, making it obvious that breakfast would be a mistake.
She felt completely drained and worn out; if it hadn't been her day off, she would have had to call in dead. Stubbornly fighting back the memories and grief from last night, Kagome dragged herself out of bed and into the shower, hoping the scalding water would revive her.
The attempt at revival failed, but at least she didn't feel quite as gross. She wasn't up to going anywhere today, so she slid into a pair of leggings and a large, soft blue sweater that felt like being immersed in a pile of warm kittens. Once her hair was twisted into a loose knot on top of her head, she stumbled downstairs for some coffee, pausing when she heard voices from the living room. Wanting to see what the rest of her family had planned for the day.
If she had been paying closer attention, she would have retreated back to her room and locked the door. Or slipped out of the kitchen door and driven away. Possibly even tunneled her way under the house with a spoon.
Instead, she walked right into a trap.
There, sitting on the couch as if he belonged, was Inuyasha. Across from him in an armchair was Souta, aka Traitorous Scum. Both looked up when she entered, but neither had the grace to look guilty—although there was a twinge of healthy fear in Souta's expression.
"What. The. Everloving. Hell."
"Morning, Kagome. We have company."
She bristled at Souta's cheerful tone. "That's not company."
Souta shrugged, standing up and edging away. "Sure he is. I saw him out on my run this morning. He wasn't going to come, but I invited him in."
Invited in and unwanted at the same time.
Brooding.
Fangs.
All in all, she would have preferred the vampire.
"Then I hope you're ready to become his undead bride, because I'm about to murder you!" Kagome growled, fingers itching to slap the innocent look off his face.
"For all his faults, I don't think he's interested in that kinda thing," Souta said, raising his eyebrows at Inuyasha, who looked ready to sink into the floor. "Besides, I don't think it works that way."
"Fine. I'll go upstairs while you entertain your company."
Souta darted past her to the doorway. "As charming as I am, I think he'd rather talk to you. Mom took Gramps to visit friends for the day, and I'm gonna meet up with the guys to study for a test."
She grabbed his wrist as he passed, and he gave a satisfying yelp as her fingers ground the bones together. "Just where did you get this bright idea?"
"We're learning about conflict resolution in class," he grunted, twisting out of her grip.
"And the best you could come up with was leaving us in a room alone together?"
"Well, we haven't really gotten very far into the resolution part," Souta admitted, sounding more confident now that he had reached the safety of the doorway.
Almost as if just remembering Inuyasha's presence, Souta glanced back at him, his features becoming hard. "You're not off the hook. I just want you to remember that if you hurt her….." he flexed his biceps in an intimidating manner. "Beast woman here will kill you, and I'll help bury whatever is left of the body."
Kagome hurled a particular insult at his back that would have given her mother a small coronary, but Souta remained unfazed and didn't even look back.
"Well, if you haven't killed him yet, I may still come out of this unscathed."
"Don't count on it," Kagome frowned, unsure how she was going to deal with this. "What are you even doing here? I told you that I couldn't talk about this."
If anything, Inuyasha seemed to make himself more comfortable. "No, you said you couldn't talk about this now. That was yesterday."
She would suspect him of being facetious if his face hadn't been completely serious. Maybe she should just get whatever this was out of the way so she could move on.
"Fine. Say whatever it is you wanted to say."
His eyes widened; clearly, he had expected her to put up more of a fight. His mouth opened, then closed, then opened again, a faint croak the only sound that emerged. With a twitch of his shoulders, he cleared his throat.
"Haven't you thought about the way we keep meeting?"
She gave a tight shrug. "Yes, it's very Casablanca. Of all the cheap DMs in the world, why'd you have to slide into mine?"
He gave a small snort at her attempt to use sarcasm to deflect the subject, but he didn't rise to the bait.
"And you don't think that means somethin'?"
"It means that one of us should start paying for the memberships that include photos so this will stop happening. My vote is for you."
"Look, I'm not gonna count the random places that we've met by accident. But how can you say that the weeks and months that we connected on those other profiles haven't meant anything?"
"It means that we've both wasted a lot of time only to be disappointed."
He shook his head, causing his hair to slip over his shoulders. "I don't see it that way. You can't tell me that you do, either. You can't just act like each time, we didn't mean somethin' to each other—"
"It was all based on lies!" she couldn't help interrupting, uncomfortable how closely his feelings matched hers.
"Really? When did you lie, Kagome? Because I sure as hell didn't," he growled, his voice growing more fierce. "Was it on the gaming forum? The 20 Questions app that made us cover all of those really deep questions that made it feel like we were lettin' the other person dig through our soul? Or maybe it was the kink site."
Kagome let out an embarrassed squeak at that one; in a wild moment, she had decided to try a more forward and sexual approach to her flirtations, hoping a fling might put Inuyasha out of her mind. It had completely backfired, and although pictures hadn't been exchanged, the messages had gotten quite explicit. They knew more about each other's kinks and turn-ons than they had any business knowing, and Kagome couldn't help the cherry-shaded flush at the memory of just how compatible those had been.
Inuyasha stood up, his lids over eyes that had gone hazy. His head tilted back slightly and he took a deep breath.
"No, you weren't lyin' about that," he rumbled, a shudder going through his body.
Her breath hitched; there had been an attraction between them before, but it had never been this raw and open.
Inuyasha shook himself, the fog of lust clearing from his eyes. He shoved his hands in his pockets, speaking more firmly.
"None of it was lies, Kagome. Not the way I felt about you."
She wasn't able to meet his steady gaze and instead focused on the worn toes of his sneakers. "You were pretty clear about your feelings about me when we were dating," she said, hating the accusing tone her voice had taken on. She was supposed to be over all of that.
"No. I was too fucked up to be clear about anything. You know that."
Her eyes met him briefly, surprised he could admit that so easily. "You were still hurting. I suppose you dated me in an attempt to feel better, but I just wasn't enough to—"
"That's not true!" He practically roared, the sound and her looming presence startling her into taking a step back. He noticed her reaction and visibly loosened his posture, and his voice was lower when he spoke again. "That wasn't true. Yeah, I was hurt—a lot more than I should've been, but you have to understand that that kind of thing was new to me, and… I've never been good about that emotional stuff."
"Inuyasha, you weren't really invested in me. I mean, at first, it felt like you wanted to be, and then all of a sudden, you were pulling away, and I couldn't do anything right," she choked out, her arms tightening around herself.
Inuyasha slumped at her broken voice, one hand coming out of his pocket to rub from the base of his jaw to the back of his neck in a nervous gesture.
"I completely freaked. I was happier than I'd ever been, and I didn't know how to deal with it. All I could think was that if I had failed with the whole Kikyo thing, how could I hope not to fuck things up with you?"
She searched his eyes, but she couldn't find any hint of a lie—not that Inuyasha had ever been good at those. "But you always acted so…" she trailed off, waving a hand to fill in the blank.
"It was easier to keep my distance. If I focused on the negative stuff, I didn't have to think how inevitable it was that I would be the one to mess up. I didn't realize how bad I'd gotten about that until it was too late to take it back."
"And now all that's miraculously changed?" Kagome asked, her disbelief evident.
"I'm not sayin' I'm suddenly perfect, but I've figured out where I screwed up, and I've been workin' at being better. Not just for you, but in general. A lot of shit happened in my life, but I realized I didn't wanna be that bitter ass that poisoned everyone around me. I never meant to make you a casualty of my insecurity, Kagome."
She swallowed thickly, blinking away tears. She could tell that he was sincere, not only in his regret for the way he had treated her, but that he was trying to change himself for the right reasons. She just wasn't sure where that left them.
"I'm glad to hear you're trying to be better, Inuyasha. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy."
He nodded. "And I have been. Mostly. But all of this has shown me pretty clearly what I need to be completely happy."
"I understand that you've probably felt lonely, but that doesn't mean that you've needed me specifically-you didn't even know that it was me all of those times."
And maybe that was what hurt the most. They hadn't been able to become everything they could be because he couldn't move on from his own pain, but he had easily moved on from her dozens of times.
"After you broke things off, I realized that I had lost everything because I couldn't let go of the past. I didn't want to do that anymore. As much as I didn't want to, I had to face the fact that you would probably never want me back, so I tried to move on."
"And on, and on, and on, and—"
"To you, every time. There hasn't been once when it hasn't been you."
"How can you say that when it's been different with every site?" She protested. "I always focused on one part of myself each time."
Gently, he brought his hand up to cup her cheek. "And I fell in love with you each time. The first few times, I was surprised, even a little angry, when I found out who was on the other side of the screen."
"Same," she huffed, but couldn't move away from the heat of his palm.
He laughed, then continued, "And then it stopped bothering me. I even hoped that it would be you, even if it meant the end. I don't think that's gonna change any time soon, Kagome, because every time my heart moves, it moves toward you."
She sobbed, leaning her forehead on his chest. She could attempt to argue, but she couldn't deny that she had fallen for him each time as well. Only the burning pain of believing everything would only end the same as their first attempt kept her pulling away.
"I don't know what to do," she admitted, her voice muffled in the fleece of his shirt.
"That's up to you. But I hope that you give me a chance. A chance to treat you the way I should have in the first place. No hiding behind screen names. No holdin' onto things that shouldn't have been held onto."
There was a part of her that wanted to turn him down. Why risk that kind of pain? Why should she believe him? But in all of their online interactions, he had never given her a reason to doubt his feelings. He still had a sarcastic sense of humor, but he had also tempered it with discretion about when to use it and where to aim. He had never once made her feel like she was somehow lesser than she was worth, and they communicated with enough frequency that she knew Inuyasha didn't have the emotional energy to fake it.
"Can we take things slow?" She was willing to make the attempt, but she wasn't going to risk diving in head first.
Inuyasha brought his arms around her in a loose hug. "Slow is fine. I don't mind puttin' in the time to get it right," he said easily, his voice void of disappointment or frustration.
"I don't feel like going out, but would you be up for staying here and watching a movie?" She asked. She wasn't lying when she said she wanted to move slowly, but she wanted to spend some time getting to know him in person again. He seemed calmer, more confident. It suited him, and gave her hope.
He pulled back a little, a fang peeking over his lip when he smiled. "That sounds good. This way, I can have a chance to point out the subtle complexities of the Saw movies."
She groaned, knowing he was referring to one of the long debates they had had during one of their online conversations.
"That wasn't exactly what I had in mind, but if you want to start things off with me proving you wrong so quickly, be my guest," she sighed.
He tugged her over to the couch, uncaring of anything but the fact that he hadn't been tossed out on his delicate ears. "We'll see how you feel after the first five," he said, plopping down onto the cushion.
Kagome raised an eyebrow at that but grabbed the remote. Now was as good a time as any to see if anything had really changed.
"My brother is going to be too smug to endure," she said instead, already picturing Souta gloating about how he was responsible for fixing her love life.
Inuyasha gave her a sly, calculating look, reminding her pleasantly of the better times, when they had teamed up to pull one over on their friend Miroku. Had he lost that part of himself with his newfound maturity? That would be disappointing.
"He won't if he comes home and finds you covered in fake blood, holding a dirty shovel, and lookin' frantic."
Slowly, Kagome smiled. Maybe Inuyasha hadn't changed. Maybe he had just grown. Maybe this time they could have the good times, without having to relive the mistakes of the past.
"You go buy the blood. I'll get started with the shovel."