In this episode…
The elves develop trust issues.
45 does her best Alan Rickman impression.
And 416 takes her biggest L yet.
G11, being the heavy sleeper that she was, had tried many pillows throughout her lifetime. Small pillows, big pillows, feather pillows, memory foam pillows, and even impromptu pillows like rocks and her gun; G11 had tried them all and more. Over time, she had begun to rate pillows based on their comfort. Her gun was at the bottom of course, as it was hard and difficult to fully relax on. Rocks were similar, but a bit better since the cold side usually stayed cold. The ranking system continued like this and covered all pillows she ever slept on. It was so broad and in-depth that one could call G11 a pillow connoisseur.
At the top of this list was her brand new Flying Dead body pillow. It was soft and never needed to be fluffed to remain comfortable. Even better, it was larger than her frame, so she could lie on it and not have any part of her body touch the ground. When she did so, it felt as if she was floating on a white, fluffy cloud. It indeed was the perfect Christmas present for her.
Right now, G11 was lying on the pillow, in a state somewhere between being asleep and awake. She was really comfortable, but the wind was cutting across her face, making it uncomfortably cold. To protect her nose and eyes, G11 opted to roll over so she faced the pillow.
Doing so rewarded her with a face full of wet snow.
"WAHHHHHHHHH!" G11 shot up and cradled her frozen nose. "Ow ow ow ow OW!"
Once the feeling of frostbite passed, G11 slowly opened her eyes. Instead of being on top of her pillow as she expected, she was sitting in a ditch in the middle of a snow field. A few trees were on her right and left sides. Fortunately, her pillow was also nearby. What she couldn't find, however, was the sleigh or any of her 404 teammates.
"Where is everybody?" G11 didn't remember leaving the sleigh, and she had no idea where she was. Slowly, her breath began to quicken and she scrambled to her feet.
"Wayne! Leeeeeeeennyyyyy!" G11 called out. "Where are you?" She started walking over to her pillow to pick it up.
"9! 45! This isn't funny guys, come on out." No one answered her calls except for the wind.
"416, come back! You're scaring meeeeee!" G11 reached for her pillow. Dammit, not even 416 is aroun-
G11 stopped. 416 was nowhere near.
Which meant no one could yell at her.
G11 glanced around to verify she was indeed alone. She then looked down at the snow. She carefully analyzed the area around her, making sure the snow was thick enough. Once she was satisfied, she stood up, turned around, spread her arms out, and promptly fell backward onto the ground.
After a moment, she began to move her arms up and down and her legs inside and out. She started out slow to test out how it felt, gradually increasing speed. Eventually, she was moving fast enough that she was flinging large amounts of snow everywhere. It was exhilarating. G11 began to giggle as she continued her work.
"Whoo!" G11 let out a yell once she felt she was finished. She stood up and turned to inspect her work. She judged that it was indeed a masterpiece. Smiling, she turned and bent over to pick up her pillow.
"There you are!"
"WAHHH!" G11 yelped and turned around as fast as she could. Standing above the ditch was none other than 416, with her signature frown and still wearing the Santa suit and hat.
"I thought we lost you after you fell out of the sleigh."
"H-hi, 416."
"What are you doing?"
"Uhhhhhhh…" G11 subtly stepped in front of her artwork. "Nothing."
416 narrowed her eyes.
"Doesn't sound like it." She hopped into the ditch. G11 tried to put out hands to stop her.
"Wait wait wa-" 416 picked up G11 by the back of her coat and dropped her to the side. G11 fell to the ground and her hat fell off. She could only look on with tears in her eyes as 416 looked over the imprint in the snow.
"Hmm." 416 didn't immediately destroy it as G11 feared, so she took the chance to try and explain herself.
"416, let me explain-" 416 held up a hand and G11 stopped. As the white-haired doll turned to look at her, G11 was surprised to see that 416 didn't glare at her.
"Did you make this?"
"Yes." G11 put her head down and braced herself for the hit. However, instead of receiving a bonk to the noggin', G11 felt a soft hand rub her hair. She looked up.
416 was giving her a headpat. She had a warm smile on her face, and her eyes had no malice in them.
"It's a very pretty snow angel. Nice job." 416 spoke with absolute sincerity.
"Th-thanks?" G11 didn't know how to respond. Something was wrong with 416. She could only watch as 416 reached down, picked up G11's hat and pillow, and handed them to her.
"C'mon, we need to go rejoin the others." 416 climbed out of the ditch. G11 stared after her for a few moments, put her hat on, and then dragged herself out of the ditch.
Suddenly, 416 began humming. G11 looked at her in confusion. The song sounded familiar, but she couldn't quite recall what it was. That is until 416 actually started singing the lyrics.
"Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful~"
G11 tripped over and landed face-first in the snow. As she tried to pick herself up, she saw that 416 had turned around to lend her a hand.
"Are you all right, G11?"
"..."
"..."
"Who are you and what have you done with 416?"
416 face immediately transformed into a scowl.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean, dummkopf?"
"AHHHHH, please don't hit meeeeee~"
"NEXT TIME YOU FALL OUT OF A VEHICLE, I'M LEAVING YOU BEHIND!"
After the brief detour to pick up G11 after her accidental attempt to become one of the flying reindeer, the sleigh ride proceeded about as well as it could've. There were no more close calls with fires, dogs, or other aircraft. Even 45's heckling died down.
416 found herself enjoying the job. It certainly wasn't as dangerous as the missions 404 usually took. Even though it didn't test her many combat skills, she felt satisfied with her work delivering the presents. She was, after all, doing something that was objectively right for once, unlike most of her work which was a huge moral gray zone. The thought of kids finding the presents she left them almost brought a smile to her face. Almost.
There was no way in hell she was giving 45 the satisfaction of knowing she liked being Santa. As far as anyone else was concerned, she was doing this to correct the mistake that she made earlier that night.
And also to eat cookies. Very delicious cookies.
Which is why she felt a bit sad when 45 announced they had made the last delivery.
"Wait, we are actually done?" 9 sat up from her seat in the sleigh.
"And we can go home?" G11 moaned from the back.
"Yep, we've visited all the houses on the list."
"WE DID IT WAYNE! WE SAVED CHRISTMAS!" Lenny yelled before giving his friend a big hug. He then turned and tried to similarly embrace 416, only to be met with her hand slamming into his face to keep him away.
"Not a chance, Lenny," 416 said. She picked him up and tossed him into the back of the sleigh. Wayne scurried after his friend to make sure he was okay. 416 hopped up onto the front bench, then turned towards 45.
"So, what's the plan now?"
"We go to the North Pole." 45 said. "It's probably best if we return the sleigh, reindeer, and our two elf acquaintances here. Not to mention we need to discuss the matter of payment."
"Of course, money is the first thing on your mind." 416 scoffed, only to be met with a raised eyebrow from 45.
"I thought you hated this job, 416. Wouldn't you like to get some form of compensation?"
"Is your digimind that fried, 45? We are already going to get a big paycheck from stealing blackmail off that guy's hard drive." That job seemed so far ago now with all that had happened that night. 416 couldn't even recall the details of the contract.
"Can't we get compensation from both jobs? I'd certainly like the extra cash."
"What cash? I'm pretty sure Lenny and Wayne are paid in gingerbread cookies and stockings."
"What, no longer calling them midgets?" 45 grinned and 416 sighed.
"I'm serious, 45. You never do anything without a reason." 416 straightened up in her seat and stared down at the smaller Doll. "What's your angle?"
After a few moments, 45 rolled her eyes and looked away. 416 was disappointed, but not surprised, that her attempt at intimidation failed. At least until she received a text file from 45 over the Zener network. Curious, 416 opened it.
She read it once, then paused. She read it again. Still not believing what the file contained, she looked up at 45, who nodded in confirmation at the unasked question. Shocked, 416 read the file one more time. A file that contained what was quite possibly the most batshit insane idea she had ever seen.
45, you may have actually lost it this time…
416 drove the sleigh north. The ride was mostly quiet. Wayne, Lenny, and G11 had all fallen asleep in the back, while 9 and 45 were content to watch the scenery go by after they finished discussing the details of the plan. Not that there was much to see.
Below the sleigh lay ice that stretched out as far as the eye could see. There wasn't much wind and there were only a few snowflakes in the air, but it was still enough to send freezing chills down the white-haired Doll's spine. It had been at least an hour since they had passed an actual settlement (at least 416 thought so, her internal clock was still messed up from the magic travel), and there were seemingly no signs of life to be found. No human could live up here, and while 416 herself could handle the cold, she didn't particularly like it.
If it wasn't for everything else that had happened this evening, 416 would've said there couldn't possibly be a massive toy factory up here. Yet once again, Christmas magic seemingly made the impossible possible.
On the horizon, 416 finally spotted a series of lights. For a moment, she thought they were the lights of some kind of icebreaker, or maybe even an ocean liner. However, as the sleigh drew closer, she began to make out the silhouettes of buildings among the glow.
"Holy shit." 9 sat up in her seat. "Is that it?"
"Well, it does match up with the map," 45 said as she looked over the sleigh's instruments. "Ladies, welcome to the North Pole."
416 gave a flick of the reins to speed up the sleigh and get a better view. By the time 9 had woken up G11 and the elves, they were already over their destination.
All around, small wooden cottages dotted the snow and ice. They were all painted red and green, with lights hanging from every corner. The streets were lined with giant candy-cane-shaped lamp posts, and every intersection and square had a fully decorated Christmas tree.
As they traveled closer to the center, Lenny began calling out various landmarks. Most of these were buildings that you would find in normal towns, such as malls or grocery stores, yet they were all done up with some of the most grandiose Christmas displays ever made.
At least 416 thought so. She had seen a lot of Christmas display setups that night, and she thought that she now knew enough to be an expert on the subject.
"Oh, there's the bar that Noel hangs out at!" Lenny leaned over and pointed at another building. Unlike the other structures, which had bright colors, this one was painted in much more muted tones, as if it was covered in dirt. However, it was certainly the most lively building in the area, with light flashing through the windows and loud music that could be heard all the way from the sleigh.
"Who's Noel?" 9 asked.
"Noel's my baby brother," Wayne explained. "He works as a Coal Elf."
"He's the best Coal Elf!" Lenny added.
This declaration was met with blank stares from the members of Task Force 404.
"Uhhh, w-what's a Coal Elf? They sound kind of scary." G11 was the first to break the silence.
"Oh they are scary!" Lenny said, his smile never leaving his face. "They're the part of Prep and Landing that has to deal with kids on the naughty list. They handle the toughest houses, and they get all sorts of cool gadgets to use on their missions."
"What kind of gadgets?" 45 asked. She spoke as if it was an innocent question, but 416 knew she would be very interested in Lenny's answer.
"Oh, uh, you know our Christmas ornaments that we use to knock out people? They have launchers with, like, 7 of them loaded at once. It's sooooo tinsel~. Also, they are just physically tough, you know?"
As if to highlight Lenny's point, 416 suddenly spotted a short, stocky figure get thrown out the window of the bar.
An awkward silence settled over the sleigh as 404 silently pondered this revelation. After a few Zener messages, they collectively decided that maybe it would be a good idea to avoid the Coal Elves.
The sleigh continued onward, with the buildings below gradually getting bigger as they got further into the city. Every so often, 416 would spot elves in the streets below, celebrating a job well done. Some were gathered in circles singing Christmas carols, while others seemed to be having eggnog-drinking contests. Upon seeing the sleigh, many of them turned and waved.
"Does anyone else think they seem a bit too happy?" 416 asked as she watched the crowd.
"What do you mean, 416?" 9 turned to look at 416 as she waved back towards the elves.
"Well, I did kind of…you know…"
"Shoot their boss." 45 supplied with a smile.
"Fuck you."
"You know I'm right."
"Well, you don't have to rub it in."
"But it is very entertaining to do so."
"Gottverdammt." 416 pinched her nose and sighed. "Yes, that is what I mean."
"My guess is that they are probably waiting to announce it in a controlled way. Probably want to reduce panic as much as possible." 45 said. "Wayne, any idea when and where they would make a big announcement like that.
"Hang on, lemme me check MySpace." Wayne said. He pulled out his gingerbread-man-shaped phone and began typing on it. 416 and 45 shared a look of confusion.
"What the fuck is MySpace?"
"I don't know. Must be an elf thing."
"Ah, here it is." Wayne turned his phone around and showed 404 what appeared to be the description of some kind of event calender. "There's gonna be a big public announcement in a couple of hours that all elves have to tune into. That's probably going to be when they inform everyone about what happened."
"Alright, so we have until then to collect our payment and go before an elven mob tries to beat 416 to death with candy canes and fruitcakes, got it."
"45!"
"Look, there's the toy factory." Lenny called out and pointed.
"Which building is it?" 9 leaned forward to try and get a better look.
"All of them!"
Before them stretched a massive, sprawling complex of interconnected buildings and warehouses. Large smokestacks rose from several of the buildings, painted to look like giant Christmas trees. In between the structures was a complex maze of crates, trucks, and snow plows. It was one of the largest industrial centers that 9 had ever seen, rivaling those that could be found in some of the Green Zones.
"How many toys does this factory make every year?" 9 asked.
"Well I don't have an exact number, but it's several hundred million every year the last I checked." Wayne said.
"Sounds like that's a lot of work." G11 commented. "And a hassle to manage."
"Yep. Magee complains to me about it all the time." Wayne pointed over to a connected series of office structures, one of which had a large control tower rising out of it. "She works over there in the administration building. She helps direct all the preparation for the sleigh ride each year."
9, upon receiving a mental prod over Zener from 45, decided to dig further.
"Is that also where they manage the Naughty and Nice List Tracker?"
"Nah, that's in a bunker underneath the toy factory. They keep it very secure; we can't just have anyone waltzing in and looking at whose on which list. Someone could seriously abuse that data if they had it."
"Awww, I kinda wanted to see if we could go inside and see the factory." 9 pouted.
"Well, we have to go see Magee, we wouldn't have time any-"
"C'mon, Wayne," Lenny interrupted. "The Tracker might be off limits, but we can certainly take a look around at the rest of the factory."
"I'm not sure that the rest of them want to go-"
"I would like to see the factory as well." 45 stated. "Could be interesting to see how they run things."
"I would not be opposed to a tour," 416 added.
G11 began to snore, but a quick kick from 9 immediately woke her up.
"WHA-uhh, yeah, definitely would be cool." The elves didn't seem to notice G11's odd behavior. Or maybe the rest of the night's craziness had made them numb.
"Alright fine, we can do a short tour." Wayne sighed. "But then we go straight to Magee."
After landing the sleigh, the group handed over the reindeer to the elves that ran the staples, the group followed Lenny and Wayne on a tour of the toy factory. Before they went inside, 45 took 416 aside to "store their weapons in a safe spot". Once they came back, the tour began.
To 9, the place looked even bigger on the inside than from above. Countless lines of conveyor belts lay dormant, with toys in various states of assembly all along them. Massive generators lay in the corners of each factory floor, with thick bundles of cables running out of them to various machines on the factory floor.
The group walked over catwalks that crossed over each factory as Lenny and Wayne gave a tour of the various factory floors. Each building was dedicated to various toys. One building built board games. Another built action figures and toy dolls. There was even a gaming console factory, where 416 had to restrain G11 to keep her from taking a Playstation 12.
Lenny and Wayne were obviously enthusiastic about sharing the history of the toy factory, but their explanations of the various rooms tended to be very long and boring. 9 found herself zoning out often. 45 and G11 were worse, with the team's leader obviously not paying attention and the sharpshooter looking like she was sleepwalking. The only one actually paying attention, oddly enough, was 416. 9 wasn't quite sure why she seemed so interested in what the elves were talking about. Maybe she was just listening for any useful information?
As she looked around, 9 noticed that all the workspaces seemed empty. Instead of the normal hustle and bustle of people working, the only thing she could hear was Ode to Joy being played over the factory loudspeakers.
"Hey, where is everybody? Shouldn't there be at least some kind of skeleton crew?"
"Why would there be?" Wayne asked back. "It's THE holiday for all of us elves."
"So you just leave the place abandoned?"
"Nah, the security guys draw straws and the short stick has to monitor the cameras while everyone else parties. I think it was Ron this year?"
"Oh no, he has to be here all day?" Lenny turned to Wayne with sadness on his face.
"Lenny, you knew this." Wayne replied dryly.
"Still he's probably lonely in there all by himself."
Seeing an opportunity, 9 nudged her sister with her elbow. 45 gave her a wink in response, then stepped forward.
"How about we go visit him?" She suggested. "We could give him some of 416's leftover cookies."
416 whirled around, ready to deliver a barrage of insults, only to be met with 45's open hand.
"Oh please, 416, I saw you try and feed one to Blitzen when we left the reindeer. I know you have more." 416 struggled for a few seconds to deliver a comeback, but eventually sighed in defeat.
"Fine."
"It's settled then. Wayne, take us to the security office."
Ron was having a very bad day.
First off, he had to pull security duty on Christmas, which meant he couldn't do his original holiday plan of drinking eggnog until he collapsed. At least it would make his doctor happy. Second, his girlfriend had dumped him two nights ago. For Harry from Naughty List Management of all people! What could she have seen in that cotton-headed ninny muggins was beyond him. And finally, he had just gotten a phone call from his neighbor saying someone had TP'ed his house with wrapping paper.
This all left him in a very bad mood as he sat in the security office. He laid back, coffee in hand, watching that day's fifth rerun of Elf on cable TV. The only thing that he could take comfort in was the fact that this could not possibly get worse.
*SLAM*
"HEY, RON!" Lenny called as he and Wayne barged through the door. "We decided to come check on you. How are you doing?"
"Terrible. Go away." Ron did not want to deal with anyone else right now, let alone the most annoyingly jolly elf in Prep & Landing.
"Well, we're here to cheer you up." Lenny either didn't hear Ron's request or didn't care. Disliking either of those possibilities, Ron set down his coffee and stood up.
"I'm not joking, Lenny. Get. Out."
"We have cookies," Wayne said.
"Oh." Ron sat down, the anger in his voice tempered at the thought of a snack. At least he'd have something to go with the coffee.
"YAY!" Lenny turned back towards the door. "Hey, 416, come in."
Ron blinked, confused at the random series of numbers Lenny listed, only to be blindsided by the next person to enter the office.
He could only describe the person strolling through the door as a female, much younger version of Santa Claus. Her white hair perfectly complemented the red jacket and hat, even with the purple clover hairpins she was wearing. She was carrying a toy sack over her left shoulder, and her right hand held a tray of chocolate chip cookies.
"I-ummm…" Ron quickly sat up and straightened his jacket. "Uh, hi?"
You idiot, you should've said something cooler.
"Ron, this is HK416, she's-" Lenny started introductions before the white-haired beauty interrupted him.
"I'm an A-Doll assigned to assist with security work." She said as she briskly walked over to his desk and handed him the tray. "Merry Christmas."
"Th-thank you." Ron managed to get out as he reached for a cookie. HK416 gestured for Lenny and Wayne to also take some, which they happily did.
As Ron swallowed his first bite, he struggled with what to say next. If she was working security, maybe they would see each other often? If he could make a good first impression, maybe they could-
*click*
Ron's head shot up just in time to see a glowing Christmas ornament fly towards himself and the two other elves.
Should've known the pretty girl was too good to be true.
"CLEAR"
UMP45 burst through the door the moment 416's message came over Zener. She ran over to the security desk, where the three elves had slumped over, knocked out from the ornament grenade 416 had pocketed earlier that night. She yanked the security guard by the jacket up and over the desk to the floor, before hopping over herself and beginning her search.
Right behind her, UMP9 and G11 ran into the room. 9 pulled out several zip ties and began to cuff the three elves, while G11 grabbed her rifle from 416, who had smuggled in the team's weapons using Santa's toy sack. The sharpshooter then pivoted to watch the door.
In less than thirty seconds, the room and elves were secure and Task Force 404 was fully armed, ready to take on any threats.
Or, almost ready.
"So what are we doing here again?" G11 asked, much to 45's amusement and 416's dismay.
"You dummkopf! Did you seriously not read the plan we sent you?"
"Well, it was really long and I was tired."
"Gottverdammt." 416 pinched the bridge of her nose. "We are getting access to the North Pole's security system. That way we can break into the Naughty and Nice List…server…thing…"
"The Christmas Tree Server Farm." 45 supplied as she dug through the various panels on the console.
"Yeah, that. 45 thinks that it'll be useful for collecting data for contracts."
"Oh." G11 stayed silent for a moment, before asking another question. "What kind of data on the Naughty and Nice Lists does 45 want anyway."
"It's not the lists I want." 45 yelled back as she crawled under the desk to find the electronics on the bottom.
Ah, there you are.
Having found a suitable access port, 45 pulled a cable out of her palm and plugged it into the desk's computer. Instantly her neural cloud was flooded with streams of information from cameras and monitors all over the toy factory. For any other doll, it would be nearly incomprehensible. For her, it was light work. She began organizing the data, seizing control over various networks, and breaking into servers everywhere should could. All with a practiced ease that allowed her to continue the conversation.
"Okay, now I'm confused." 9 lowered her weapon and turned around to face 45, hand on her hip. "What are we grabbing from the server farm?"
"Think, 9! That server farm has data on millions of children all over the globe."
"Yes?"
"That data has to come from somewhere, right? It has to be collected."
"Alright."
"Which means the North Pole has a comprehensive, global surveillance network." 9's eyes widened as she caught on.
"So, if we could gain access to that…"
"We can gain information on anyone, anywhere, at anytime." 45 smiled to herself as she closed in on the target of her search. "For a mercenary group like us, it's a gold mine for blackmail and locating potential targets."
"Huh, seems…"
"Genius?" 45 offered.
"Insane," 416 responded
"Literally 1984," G11 said.
All three dolls paused and looked at the narcoleptic sharpshooter. G11 turned back and met their gazes, evidently confused.
"What?"
"G11, have you actually read that book?" 9 asked.
"Actually yes, I have. Unlike most other people on the internet. It was kinda scary."
"Huh." That gave 45 pause. She thought G11 would've fallen asleep a quarter of the way into any book. "Well, I promise not to become 'Big Sister' anytime soon."
A few minutes passed as 45 continued to work on the security system. Finally, she unplugged herself and crawled out from under the desk.
"Well, good news and bad news. Good news is I've managed to control of the entire network of the North Pole's toy factory, including security."
"That's our 45." 9 smiled at her sister.
"What's the bad news?" 416 asked.
"The Christmas Tree Server Farm is on a separate network. The whole room containing it is surrounded by some sort of Faraday Cage, not even our Zener messages can get through it. Only way in is through a door that requires a keycard."
"And you can't just fake one?" 416 raised an eyebrow.
"No, but I do know where we can get a real one." 45 shouldered her weapon and moved towards the door. "With some persuasion, of course."
Normally, Santa's return from his trip would be met with cheers and drinks all around the North Pole Christmas Eve Command Center. This night, however, was different. Namely because there was no Santa that could return.
Magee had been pulling double duty on both running the rest of the sleigh ride and planning Santa's funeral. It was exhausting, especially since they had to keep things quiet until they figured out how to break the news softly to the elven public.
Fortunately, thanks to 404's efficiency, her team could manage the sleigh trip on their own. That left her alone to focus on micromanaging the party department's preparations for a remembrance ceremony. Yes, the North Pole had a party department, and they were the best at managing large gatherings, even if this event was much less 'festive' than their normal work.
It was decided among the upper management that the obituary would be read by Papa Elf, the oldest and wisest elf in the entire town. He would be the most likely to be respectful and keep his composure on stage, and he knew Santa the longest. However, there was a minor issue. Okay, a major issue.
Papa Elf insisted that he be allowed to name the new Santa at the ceremony. Despite Magee's many misgivings about putting someone new on the spot in the middle of the funeral for the guy they were replacing, Papa Elf insisted that not only would it be good for the elves to have a new leader as soon as possible, but it was apparently tradition that a new Santa be named immediately after the passing of the previous one.
Magee didn't know such a tradition existed, or even that Santa had been replaced before. However, no one else could remember either, so Papa Elf was allowed his request.
Which meant that a new Santa had to be selected immediately. Magee would've gone mad at the responsibility of choosing someone. This person was supposed to be an icon to the world! The selection had to be perfect!
So when Papa Elf told her that there was also a tradition for choosing the next Santa that was very simple, Magee sighed with relief. At least until he told her what the condition for the selection was.
"Sir, I believe that there is a major issue with that method of-"
"Nonsense!" Papa Elf chuckled over the phone. "It's the same method that has been used for 2000 years. We are not stopping now."
"But sir, the person who fulfilled the conditions you describe is-"
"Magee, has she been doing a good job at her task tonight?"
"Uh, yes sir, she has done extremely well, however-"
"Then she will be fine. We'll just let the Christmas magic take care of the rest. Now, I'm sending a team to pick her up. Make sure she is ready, Magee."
"Yes, sir." Magee set down the phone as Papa Elf hung up and slumped into her seat. "Holy fruitcake..." She closed her eyes and sighed, ears focusing on the soothing notes of Ode to Joy playing on the radio.
Before she could reach the latte mug Tiny held out for her, one of her assistants approached.
"Ma'am, 404 is coming up the elevator now."
"About time. I need to speak to them immediately." Magee shot out of her chair. As she approached the door, she tried to plan out in her mind exactly how she was gonna break the news to them. Even with their help so far, she doubted that they were going to enjoy what she had to tell them.
She reached the elevator doors just as the light at the top dinged. Magee took a deep breath and put on her best smile.
The doors open, revealing 4 girls, one of whom was wearing a Santa outfit.
"Hello, you must be-" Magee's voice died in her throat as she realized all four were carrying guns.
The one dressed as Santa stepped out and raised her weapon to the ceiling.
"EVERYBODY TO THE BACK OF THE ROOM, NOW!"
*BANG* *BANG* *BANG*
All chaos broke loose as the girls began firing bursts into the ceiling. Magee turned and bolted back towards her desk as elves scrambled for cover. Risking a glance over her shoulder, she saw the group of unknown attackers begin to slowly advance, weapons still raised.
As she reached her desk, she ducked underneath to find Tiny cowering in a ball. She dove to the ground and squeezed in next to him as she watched.
The assailants gradually began herding the elves into a corner of the command center. They walked forward slowly, yelling constantly for compliance with their instructions. Anyone who didn't respond fast enough received a shove or a kick to the back.
Suddenly a girl wearing a gray jacket and hat loomed right in front of Magee. Before she or Tiny could do anything, the girl grabbed both of them and tossed them towards the corner.
"MOVE IT, KNIFE-EARS!"
Magee had no choice but to drag Tiny to the corner with the rest of the elves. She and her team began huddling in the corner as the four attackers marched towards them, weapons raised. Many of the elves cried with terror.
Three of the girls stopped moving. The fourth, a girl with brown hair and a scar over her left eye, stepped forward and pulled out a book. She then raised her hands in what appeared to be an attempt to calm them."
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!" The girl said in a vaguely European accent. The crowd quieted at her voice. "Ladies and Gentlemen."
The girl opened a book. After reading a few lines and considering her words, she spoke.
"Due to the North Pole's history of breaching privacy to arbitrarily decide the morality of children around the world, it is about to be taught a lesson in the real use of power." She gestured to her captive audience. "You will be witnesses."
"Now, where is Magee?" Closing the book, the girl began walking among the elves. "Callsign: Jingle Belle." She looked between each elf's face, like a shark searching for its next victim. "Coordinator of the Christmas Eve Command Center." She came across a female elf who was hyperventilating in fear. She knelt down and stared into the elf's eyes. "Friend of Wayne and Lenny from Prep & Landing."
That last remark made Magee decide enough was enough. She wasn't going to watch her staff or friends be threatened anymore without doing something. She stood up and faced the girl.
"I'm Magee. Leave my coworkers alone." It came off a lot less forceful than she would've liked.
The girl turned and smiled. It wasn't a friendly smile, but a predatory one. The kind of smile a lion would make upon seeing it had caught fresh prey. Magee felt a shiver travel down her spine.
"Well, that wasn't so hard, was it?" The girl walked towards her, each step causing Magee's heart rate to spike. "Come with me."
Magee flinched as the girl placed a hand on her arm. She barely managed to match the girl's eyes with her own. But she still needed to know one thing.
"Where is Lenny and Wayne?"
The girl let out a small chuckle, catching Magee off guard.
"I thought you might ask that. 416, if you would please be so kind." The girl in the Santa outfit nodded and turned back to the elevator.
Magee's breath caught as she realized who these people were. The very same people who had so nicely helped them earlier.
"You! You're UMP45!"
"Ah, observant, are we?" The girl began dragging Magee up towards the front of the crowd. Magee couldn't resist her strength, so she opted to try to delay her with words.
"What happened? I thought you were helping us?"
"Oh, but I was helping you." They had reached the front of the crowd now. "It's just that when I help someone, I expect payment in return. A SUBSTANTIAL payment. Unfortunately, Wayne and Lenny didn't see it that way, so they won't be joining us for the rest of the evening."
The individual referred to as 416 stepped forward and dumped the unconscious bodies of Wayne and Lenny on the floor. The crowd gasped.
"Relax. They are fine. We just hit them with one of your ornaments," 45 explained. "Now Miss Magee, I require something from you."
"Wh-what do you want?"
"This." UMP45 reached forward faster than Magee could react, seizing the keycard she kept around her neck. She held it up and examined it in the light.
"HEY!" One of the assistants called out. "That's not yours! Give that back, you thief!"
45 only laughed in response. She was soon joined by the rest of her team, all chuckling at the outcry.
"Oh please, I'm not just any thief. I'm an exceptional thief. And," 45 said as she pulled out a pistol and jammed it into Magee's side, "since I'm moving up to kidnapping you should be more polite."
"Now, there is no need for any loss of life. You can either walk out or be carried out, but make no mistake. WE are in charge. We are going to take Ms. Magee here on a little adventure. In the meantime, the elevator will be turned off and communication cut. If anyone attempts to leave or signal for help, there will be consequences."
45 turned and dragged Magee after her, with her three hench-women close behind. The elves could only stare in terror as the attackers left them behind. As they reached the elevator, 45 turned as if she had forgotten something.
"Oh, and have a very Merry Christmas."
"What the fuck was that?" 416 asked in confusion as 404 walked down the hallway towards the server farm room, hostage in tow.
"What ever do you mean?" 45 gave 416 an innocent smile.
"That drama show in the Command Center." 416 didn't buy that smile for a second. "You were prancing around like some diva, dropping dramatic lines left and right. You would've won an Oscar if that was a Hollywood movie."
416 expected 45 to deliver some smart comeback in response. Instead, 45 began muttering.
"It should've won multiple Oscars, dammit."
416 was caught off guard. Stopping, she turned to stare at 45.
"The fuck are you talking about?"
"Oh, nothing." 45 continued to walk down the corridor. "And to answer your earlier question, I was reenacting a character from my favorite Christmas movie."
That left 416 even more confused, but she decided she didn't care. She shut up and followed 45 and the rest of the group.
As she walked down the corridor, she noticed that the hostage 45 had taken was staring at her. She frowned, staring back in an attempt to intimidate the hostage. Instead, Magee spoke.
"Umm, excuse me?"
"What?" 416 barked back.
"I-is that by any chance S-santa's coat?" 416 sighed. She realized she wasn't going to be able to avoid this conversation.
"Yes, it is his coat. I shot him. It was an accident and I'm sorry. If you wanna yell at me, just shut up and hold it in."
416 watched as the color drained from Magee's face. She looked down at the ground. 416 guessed she was in despair, and she felt kinda bad about delivering the news so bluntly.
And for hurting Wayne and Lenny. And scaring the other elves. And for-
Wait.
416 almost stopped in her tracks.
Why am I so upset over almost ruining Christmas?
"Here we are." 45 announced. They had reached the entrance to the server farm. Two giant metal doors blocked their path. A small panel was mounted on the wall beside the doors.
45 stepped forward and scanned Magee's card. The doors opened, revealing a room that was easily larger than any of the factory floors above. It housed rows and rows of what appeared to be Christmas trees, which stretched from the floor to the ceiling. Closer inspection revealed each tree was a giant server, each of which contained details on thousands of kids, 416 guessed.
45 raced forward to get a better look. At the threshold she turned back towards the rest of 404, excitement evident on her face.
"G11, 9, grab Magee and come in. 416, stay here and stand guard. Remember, once I shut the door we'll be out of contact."
"Wait, then how do I alert you if something is wrong?"
"I don't care. Bang on the door with your fists or something. The rest of you, come on!"
The rest of 404 went into the farm and shut the door, leaving 416 outside all by herself.
"Well, shit." 416 sat down next to the door.
Her thoughts drifted back to her feelings on Christmas. Namely, the surprising revelation that she actually cared about the holiday.
On an intellectual level, she understood that a lot of people cared about the holiday. She made a mistake that almost ruined it for many people, and she did the right thing by fixing it.
But now she felt something more. What she had done that night brought her…something. She didn't know how to describe it, and she was utterly confused. Christmas was just a distraction from the real world after all. It didn't actually matter.
Or did it?
416 recalled the joy G11 had when she talked about her present. How heartbroken she had been 416 berated her for believing that Santa was real. How Wayne and Lenny had been joyful throughout the whole journey, delivering presents to homes everywhere. Even 45 had seemed positive during their trip, even if it was mostly at her expense
Those feelings were certainly real.
The more 416 thought about it, the more she realized that maybe Christmas wasn't just a distraction from how fucked up their world was. It was a chance to actually just celebrate living, to go do nice things for other people for no other reason than to spread some joy.
And that's when 416 realized it. She realized what she was feeling was joy. She quite liked it. Maybe next year she would actually get G11 a present.
"There you are!"
416 jumped to her and whirled around. She had gotten so distracted by her thoughts about Christmas that she forgot that she hadn't noticed the fully decked-out elf SWAT team walking towards her.
"Hold it right there. Who are you?"
One of the elves stepped forward. He was bulky, wearing a metal hat with a giant headlamp, and covered in body armor. In his hands was what appeared to be a large candy cane minigun. The other elves were armed similarly, except for one who had a giant net launcher. He broke out into a large grin.
"Hi, I'm Noel! You're the girl who helped my big brother deliver the presents right?"
"I'm sorry, what?" 416 didn't know what this guy was talking about. She began walking toward the door.
"You know, Wayne?" 416 froze as she remembered what Wayne had said about his brother during the sleigh ride.
"You're Coal Elves, right?"
"Yep!" The large elf hollered. "But enough about me. I have to give you credit for saving Christmas right at the last minute. Heard about what happened and how close it was. You were awesome." The other Coal Elfs muttered in agreement that yes, it was pretty cool.
"Well, thank you, however, I-"
"Hold it." Noel held up a hand. "I know you probably have been through a lot, but we have to get you to the ceremony."
At this point, 416 stopped. "What ceremony?"
"You know. Your big ceremony! The one Magee told you about."
"Uhh, sure." 416 scrambled for some way to buy time as she figured out how to alert 45 that she needed help. She probably could handle all the elves, but they might have a few tricks up their sleeves. And there were a lot of them. "Lemme go grab her and we can discuss this. I'm not quite sure about the details-"
"There's no time, we have to go right now. C'mon!" Noel beckoned for her to come with them.
"I-uh-I..." 416 stepped backward, trying to think of something, anything to delay the elves. She frantically looked around, before setting her eyes on the ceiling. She pointed up.
"LOOK! MISTLETOE!"
"What?" All the Coal Elves looked at the ceiling. 416 took this moment to sprint towards the door.
"Ah, frostbite. We got a runner! Freeze!"
416 didn't even risk a glance backward. She ran as fast as she could, knowing the elves would be hot on her tail. She just didn't expect them to actually shoot.
*Thump*
Something heavy hit 416 in the back and she hit the ground. Fearing the worst, she moved her hands to check the wound, only to discover that she wasn't actually shot. She was pinned to the ground with a net.
"Jingle-BAM! Nice shot, Chris!" Noel yelled as he ran over to the trapped doll. "C'mon guys, we have to get her on stage."
As a group, the Coal Elves lifted up 416, wrapping her in the net and dragging her away despite her protests.
"No! Wait! Put me down you dummkopfs! Scheisse! 45, when I get out of here I'm gonna-
UMP45 happily hummed Ode to Joy to herself as she hacked into the Christmas Tree Server Farm. She stood in front of a massive command console that she had plugged herself into. Large streams of data flew by on every monitor. G11 slept in the corner, while 9 kept an eye on Magee.
"And with this last touch…" 45 tapped a button on the console. The system shut off for a moment, before rebooting itself. As the system came back to life, the monitors switched to maps of the globe, marking various points of interest.
"What are they, 45?" 9 asked.
"These, 9, are the locations of all of the people who have ever wanted us dead." She pointed to a monitor showing Moscow. "That's where General Carter of the KCCO is." She pointed to another that showed a random location in Germany. "That's William's base." She pointed to a final location. "And that's where M16 is camped out at." She turned back to 9, smiling. "Just think of all the money we can make selling this info to Griffin & Kryuger."
"You know, I think 416 would enjoy going after M16 herself instead."
"Fair point, I'll tell her the good news. I can turn off the Faraday Cage now that I have access to this thing's security system."
45 gestured with her hand. With that small motion, all the interference was gone. She queued up a Zener link with 416.
"Hi, 416. I have a late Christmas present for you!"
"FUCKING FINALLY! 45, GET ME OUT OF HERE!"
45 blinked. This was unexpected.
"What's wrong?"
"The fucking Coal Elves got me! They put me on some kind of stage and strapped me to a chair. You have to help me right now!"
"Hang on, I'll try and find you." 45 began frantically flipping through displays. She knew the grenadier was likely in a significant amount of danger; 416 was never this distressed. "9, wake up G11. 416's in trouble."
"On it." 9 ran over and slapped G11 on the head. "Rise and shine, Sleepo Beepo!"
"WHAA!" G11 bolted upright. "What's going on?"
"416's in danger. We have to move. 45, where is she right now?"
"Found her! She's-" 45 paused. She double-checked her readings. There was no way this was right.
"45, what is it? Is she okay?"
"She's… in some kind of auditorium? Being broadcasted to the entire North Pole?" 45 paused to listen to the camera feed.
What she heard caused her to double over in laughter. It took her a full minute to regain her composure, only to break out in another fit of laughter when she saw 9 and G11's expression.
Instead of responding to their questions, 45 sent them a live video feed of 416's broadcast. The two other dolls soon joined 45 in her hysterics as they watched.
"What do you mean 'The new Santa Claus'?" 416 yelled over at the old man who called himself Papa Elf. She was tied to a chair that was set up on a stage with Papa Elf and a photo of what 416 recognized as Santa. Before she put a 5.56x45mm round in his head.
In front of her stretched a massive auditorium, packed with elves. Many of them were staring right back at her. Because the old windbag at the podium just said she was the new Santa.
"Yes, you are the new Santa Claus," said Papa Elf, confirming to 416 that yes, the old man in front of her was definitely insane. "Everyone give a round of applause to our new Santa."
All of the elves began clapping and cheering. A few even stood up from their seats and whistled at her. It was as if they had all lost their minds.
"NO! STOP CLAPPING! NO!" She yelled as loud as she could. The crowd instantly went silent. 416 turned back to Papa Elf. "I never agreed to anything like this. I only volunteered to bring the gifts tonight."
"But you put on Santa's coat, right?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Then you are the new Santa." Papa Elf raised his hands to the audience, and they began clapping again.
"Gottverdammt!" 416 would've facepalmed if her hands were free. "What kind of logic is that? Having the coat makes you Santa?"
"Yep. I thought Magee told you this."
"Magee told me jack shit, old man!" The crowd again went silent. Even Papa Elf seemed taken aback at the insult.
"She never told you about The Santa Clause?" He asked after he managed to recover.
"I know about Santa Claus, but why am I him?"
"No no no, the Santa Clause. Clause with an 'e'. Part of a contract."
At this point, 416 wondered if she was going insane. She didn't really want to dig further, but it seemed she had no other choice given she was tied up and 45 had dropped her call.
"No, I'm not aware of a Santa Clause."
"Okay. Allow me to explain." Papa Elf cleared his throat. "The Santa Clause comes into effect when the previous Santa has an, urm, accident. The person who picks up the coat and wears it becomes the next Santa. It should be listed right on a tag in the sleeve."
"Well I never saw any-" 416 felt someone yank her arm. She turned to see Noel pulling a tag out of her left sleeve.
"Yep. Says so right here." Noel said, turning around the card towards her. Printed neatly on the card were the terms of the Santa Clause.
"Scheisse." 416 whispered. She couldn't believe that such a stupid thing actually existed.
"And you can't back out of it either. The Christmas magic is already changing you." Papa Elf continued.
"Wait, what? Changing me?" 416's eyes widened. That did not sound good.
"Yes, changing into the image of Santa Claus. Your hair is already turning old and white."
"YOU FUCKING IDIOT!" 416 cried out. If her hands were free she would've strangled the elf. "I'm an elite T-Doll. I was created with this hair."
"Oh." Papa Elf didn't seem to know how to respond to that.
"Gottverdammt. Old man almost gave me a hard attack." 416 sighed in relief. She wasn't, in fact, being changed by supernatural forces.
"What about a sudden increase in Christmas spirit?"
"Huh?"
"Have you gained a new appreciation of Christmas recently?"
416 received a warning in her neural cloud that she was hyperventilating.
"I mean, I have, but that's not…"
Suddenly, the speakers in the auditorium began broadcasting a familiar voice. One that was laughing hysterically.
No. Please, anyone but her.
"Well, well, well," 45 sang over the speakers, "I think Papa Elf is on to something."
"45, I swear, if you do not stop talking I will-"
"Say, Papa Elf, is excessive consumption of cookies a side effect of the Christmas magic?"
416 froze. Slowly, she turned towards the podium hoping despite all odds that it wasn't true.
"Why yes, yes it is."
416's face crumbled reality crushed her hope like an insect.
"Well then, that settles it." 45 let out another laugh.
This is not happening. This is not happening.
"Everyone, allow me to introduce you to your brand new, full-time Santa Claus…"
THIS IS NOT HAPPENING THIS IS NOT HAPPENING THIS IS NOT
"Elite T-Doll HK 416!" 45 finished her announcement. The entire crowd erupted in cheers as 416 screamed.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Well it's been a long time, has it?
I intended to get this out earlier, but midway through writing it, I decided my initial plan for chapter 4 wasn't that funny. I cut out that part, and decided to make this chapter the official ending. I hope the delay was worth it.
Anyway, there will be an epilogue posted after Christmas, featuring more Die Hard references and 416 finally getting a W. After that, full steam ahead on the GFLxProject Wingmen crossover. That seems to be getting a lot of attention.
As always, thank you Branded for taking the time to beta this chapter. Thank you to all my friends on the fanfic Discord server who kept me motivated.
Finally, thank you, the reader, for taking the time to read this. Have a very Merry Christmas.