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Flashback, 1997
"Mom, I wanna go too," eleven year old Lexi was complaining that morning as Evelyn shuffled her from her bedroom to the couch. She already had Kaycee and Beth outside waiting to go ride with her while John had the other two boys helping him brand cattle.
"I know baby," she assured her as she got her to lay down, covering her up with the blanket that rested over the back of the couch. She would rather her daughter stay in bed, but this way John or her brothers could peek in on her easily without having to go all the way into the house. She was due to go riding with her mom for her mom's birthday, but she woke up with a high fever.
"Mom," she went on.
"No whining," Evelyn told her, but her voice was still soft. "You're sick honey." She ran her hand over her hair once. "You can make it up to me next weekend, all right?"
"Ok," Lexi sighed, her heavy eyes shutting; she felt her mom kiss her head before heading out the door.
That was the last time Lexi ever saw her mom.
She was in and out of sleep for a while. Sometimes she would hear someone on the porch, her dad or someone he sent heading up to check on her through the window. Other times, she felt her dad come in and feel her head to see if her fever broke. Once, Jamie woke her up to give her her next dose of medication.
When Lee came flying into the house with Beth that evening though, it startled her to where she almost fell off the couch.
"Lee? Beth?" she asked in confusion as Lee rushed Beth over to the couch.
"Check her arm," seventeen year old Lee was telling her quickly. Living on the ranch, they had all been taught how to quickly spot a break or do easy stitches. "I have to get back out with dad and Jamie," and with that, he was gone.
"Lee!" Lexi called out but he had slammed the door already. "Beth," she tried to get her attention but she was shaking, crying. "Beth, Bethy," she insisted. "What happened? Where are mom and Kaycee?"
Beth was mumbling something incoherent.
"What?" Lexi asked in confusion.
"My fault…it's my fault Lexi," Beth said, falling against her little sister and sobbing.
"Lexi. Lexi. Lexi."
…
"Lexi," Ryan interrupted, breaking her train of thought. He had spotted her on the porch, sitting on the side of the house that overlooked the hill, corral and bunkhouse. She was sitting on the outdoor couch, curled up with a blanket over her.
"Hey, sorry," Lexi shook her head sleepily, giving him a soft smile. "I was…thinking about my mom," she admitted and he nodded.
"I figured," he reassured her, leaning against the porch railing. "I was just saying, you're the opposite of your sister," he was saying lightly to get her to laugh. That morning had been Beth's outburst with the trough; Lexi was currently in her leggings and SFMC sweatshirt with a fleece blanket on her.
"Yeah, what the hell, right?" she half laughed. "I swear, in this family, I should have been a psychiatrist."
"C'mon," Ryan nodded for her to join him. "Game's on tonight, we're all just hanging out." He wanted to take her mind off things.
"I don't know how much fun I would be," she shook her head.
"It's gettin' cold," he commented and she held up her hands with the blanket over them.
"I don't want to go back in there and listen to Beth and Jamie just snipe at each other," she rolled her eyes. "And my dad is at dinner with Lynelle," she said with a tone.
"Ah," Ryan nodded knowingly; he worried about her by herself though, today of all days especially. "Here, move over," he said as he hopped the railing.
"Game's on," she reminded him.
"Yeah, well I have this idea of you falling asleep and freezing to death out here," he said as she moved over to make room for him. She offered the blanket and he took it over his lap; she rested her head on his shoulder initially but he adjusted to put his arm around her and she still rested against him.
"You worry too much," she informed him.
"In this family?" he echoed her sentiment from before. "I would say I worry the right amount."
"Yeah, yeah," she laughed a little. The were quiet for a moment, watching the sky. "This has got to be the shittiest week ever."
"It's up there," he agreed with her. Lee's funeral, the autopsy ordeal, Evelyn's anniversary? All within four days?
"Next year, I'm taking off the last week of March," she decided.
"Yeah? Where you headed?" he humored her.
"I don't know," she murmured. "Some place warm?" She shook her head. "I hate beaches though." She tilted her head up to look at him. "Where would you go?"
"Shit, I don't know," he told her, barely leaving the state. The most he left would be when he got to take a weekend to go visit her when she was in Boise. "A cabin somewhere, I guess." He shrugged. "Camp at the park or something."
"It can't be Yellowstone," she teased him and he made a face at her.
"Yosemite then," he told her, the first National Park he could think of outside Yellowstone; she made a face.
"I'm not going back to California," she informed him.
"Who said you were invited?" he teased her, squeezing her around her shoulders.
"This trip was my idea," she laughed.
"This place isn't so bad, is it?" he countered; she knew what he was really asking.
"Just this week," she assured him, settling back against him again. They were quiet again. "Did you know my mom is why I wanted to be a surgeon?"
"You never said," he started off. "But, I figured it had something to do with her."
"I wanted to fix other people's moms," she continued, sitting up a little so she could look at him. "Is that childish?"
"I think it's great," he told her seriously. "And, for the record, you were eleven," he emphasized. "You being there wouldn't have fixed her."
"I still feel like I should have been there," she continued, though she appreciated what he said. "Rode back with Beth, stayed with Kaycee, something." She shrugged. "Said goodbye to her at least."
"The last goodbye isn't all it's made out to be," Ryan told her, having experience in that area. "You don't want your last memory of your mom to be like that."
"Do you think they're friends?" she asked, relaxing against him again.
"Our moms?" he asked back as he adjusted his arm back around her; he felt her nod. "Yeah," he laughed. "Absolutely. And, hey, if they weren't before, I'm sure Lee has introduced them."
"I really like that idea," she said. "Thanks Ryan."
"You're welcome baby," he said involuntarily, then cringed that he had said that. She squeezed him around his waist to let him know it was ok. They settled into comfortable quiet as the sun went down.
…
Flashback, 1999
It wasn't long after Evelyn's death that Ryan and Lee became friends. There had been something wrong with Lee's truck in the parking lot of the school and Ryan helped him fix it; they became fast friends after that. He came by the house a lot, learning about ranching from Lee and John. Lee had graduated by now but Ryan was still in school, in the same grade as Jamie.
Lexi noticed Ryan spending a lot of time at the Dutton house lately and she knew that his mom was sick in the hospital. She was thirteen and not only learned that cancer had stages but that Ryan's mom was in the last one. He spent a lot of days at the hospital, with Lee or John going by so often to either get him or check on him.
That night, while Lexi and Jamie sat at the round table downstairs doing their homework, she realized both her dad and Lee were gone; this wasn't a good sign. Their studious silence was broken when Lee came through the door first.
"You two, out," he ordered.
"Screw you Lee," Jamie informed him, not taking his eyes off his book. Lee went over and smacked him over the back of the head. "Lee, what the fu-"
"Out," he emphasized, but John and Ryan were coming in now with more of Ryan's stuff than usual. Ryan's eyes were bright red as if he didn't have any tears left in him. Jamie, realizing what happened, grabbed his stuff and left while his sister just sat there surprised.
"...Dad?" Lexi asked; she had a pretty good idea what happened but was shocked by how sudden it all was, how life changed on just a random Tuesday night while she was trying to study algebra. It shouldn't come as that big of a shock though, considering her mom and she had been in perfect health.
"Go upstairs sweetpea," he told her. "We'll talk in the morning." She nodded, gathering her stuff from the table.
"Sorry Ryan," she told him softly before heading upstairs to her bedroom. Kaycee was passing by in the upstairs hall, planning to go to the kitchen to grab a snack but she caught his arm to stop him. He motioned for her to follow him back to the top of the stairs, wanting to hear what was going on.
"Sit son," John was telling Ryan; Lee had already sat at the table where Lexi and Jamie had been sitting, having already motioned for him to come sit. John poured two drinks before coming back over, handing one to Ryan.
"Mr. Dutton…I…" Ryan wasn't sure he should take it. Lloyd let him and Lee steal beer all the time, but he hadn't had much harder than that.
"John," he told him, holding it out insistently. "And of all days, I think today is ok." Ryan nodded in thanks, accepting it before taking a drink. They were quiet for a few moments.
"I'm sorry about your mom Ryan," John told him first. Lee had called him from the hospital where he went to sit with Ryan, the hospice nurse warning him that it wouldn't be long.
"Thank you," he murmured softly.
"Should," John started, but wasn't sure as no one told him much of anything. "Should we call your dad?"
"Dad," Lee said seriously, shaking his head.
"You'd have to find him," Ryan muttered about the same time as Lee was talking.
"All right," John nodded, letting that idea go. "All right, well tomorrow then, you and I will go to the funeral home and make arrangements."
"I don't…I don't know if…I can't," Ryan admitted. His mom took care of both of them but they weren't exactly rolling in money; she hadn't been working with how sick she was and she didn't leave any life insurance. Ryan had been earning cash on the ranch and his mom had been thrilled he made friends with the Duttons, hoping this would mean he was going to be taken care of when she wasn't around.
"You don't worry about that," John assured him. "We'll go tomorrow and set everything up, all right?"
"Th-thank you sir," Ryan said, his voice shaking again with the threat of more tears. Lee reached over and rested a hand on his shoulder.
"I can't offer you much else," John continued. "Myself, I'm lucky I've only got three of my kids considering college," he said lightly. "But, I'll make you a deal." Ryan looked at him curiously. "You on track to graduate in a few months?"
"Yes sir," Ryan nodded.
"You stay here," John said. "You finish school." He then nodded at the door, the direction of the bunkhouse. "After that, I'll hire you on. You'll have a place in the bunkhouse, you'll have a home, food, and pay." He looked Ryan over. "What do you say?"
"Yes, thank you," Ryan said quickly, unable to believe it. He for sure thought he was about to be homeless or sent into foster care until he was eighteen.
"I'm not going to be an easy boss," Lee joked, squeezing his shoulder before letting go. Ryan gave a half smile to his friend before turning back to John.
"Thank you sir," Ryan told him again.
…
Lexi wasn't sure when she dozed off, but she knew she was on the porch with Ryan and now she was in her bedroom, with the blanket from outside laying over her. She wasn't sure how she got there, but she had a pretty good idea. It was about midnight and she got that restless feeling, unable to stay in bed. She made her way down the stairs when she noticed Jamie sitting up at the round table, drink in hand. The closer she got, she noticed his busted lip.
"You oughta put some ice on that," she told him as she joined him at the table.
"What's that you're always telling me about know it alls?" he asked dryly, taking a drink.
"At the risk of sounding like one even more," she continued. "Today was not the day to poke the bear." She correctly guessed it had to do with Beth.
"Hm," he nodded in agreement. "You seem like you had a fun night."
"What do you mean?" she asked, confused.
"I ran into Ryan walking out as I was coming in," Jamie told her. "Do you think that's smart right now?"
"What, getting tucked into bed?" she asked, her tone annoyed.
"Getting involved with someone so soon after everything with Matt," he told her.
"Nothing happened, if it's any of your business," she snapped at him, her voice low but serious. "And he's not just someone."
"I'm worried about you, all right?" he countered. "I'm your brother and after the last 6 months-"
"I don't think you would be so worried if it was one of your law school buddies in here tonight," she cut him off, not wanting to talk about Matt; he should know that.
"Oh my God, Lexi," Jamie groaned, rubbing his forehead. "I do not have the energy to do this with you tonight."
"Just admit that that's your problem," Lexi tried to force the issue.
"I'm your brother, all right?" he said, annoyed now. "I'm not gonna think anyone-"
"Kaycee likes him," Lexi continued. "Lee loved him."
"Kaycee isn't gonna argue with the one family member he still talks to," Jamie pointed out to her. "And you don't think Lee was biased?"
"Since you wanna bring up Matt, look at what being with an Ivy Leaguer got me," she snapped.
Jamie stopped, knowing he hit a nerve that he hadn't meant to. All he wanted was for his sister to slow down, after everything she had been through. He decided to try to break the tension, bringing it back to the know it all joke was the first thing that came to mind.
"Stanford's not technically ivy-"
"Ugh!" Lexi exclaimed in frustration, getting up and shoving her chair under the table.
"I was just…." Jamie sighed, trailing off as she didn't turn back. She came across her dad on the stairs.
"What did he do?" John asked, having heard her slam away from the table. He had been on his way to talk to Jamie about his run in with Beth.
"Your son just knows everything," she muttered as she went by, heading to her room and slamming the door.
John went to talk to Jamie about Beth; they talked about him running for attorney general as well. John turned to leave but stopped, turning back to Jamie.
"I'd wait till morning to apologize to her, unless you want an eye to match your lip," John warned him of Lexi being upset now too.
…
The next morning, after a few difficult nights of sleeping, Lexi continued to laze in bed. Still in her pajamas she just grabbed her book off her nightstand, deciding to have an easy morning after the last few days. Hearing a knock at the door, she stopped.
"Come in," she said, sitting up in her bed but still had the comforter over her lap. Jamie peeked his head in the door slowly.
"Ok if I come in?" he asked and she motioned for him to sit. He closed the door, sitting at the end of her bed. "You know I was just trying to be funny about the Stanford thing," he started.
"That wasn't really what pissed me off," she told him. "But, I get it, the whole know it all thing," she made half an attempt at a smile but it quickly disappeared.
"I'm sorry if I'm being overbearing right now," he said sincerely. "But, you're my little sister," he started off.
"I have two other brothers that never had a problem with-"
"It's not about Ryan," Jamie stopped her. "Kaycee doesn't know about Matt, does he?" Her silence was his answer. "Seeing what I saw and what you told me…" He trailed off, shaking his head. "Leaving you there in California after that last visit was one of the hardest things I had to do."
"I know," she said softly.
She knew he wanted to take her out of there that moment last fall when he came to see her. They had gone hiking one day, just the two of them; she was reaching for something when her shirt slid up, revealing a huge purple bruise on her rib cage. That was the day she told him what her friends in California suspected but couldn't do anything about until she told them.
Matt had started out as controlling, the abuse turning physical when they moved in together.
Jamie wanted to take her home that day, wanted to kill Matt and dump his body at the train station. Things were never that simple though, and she told him she was afraid of his family's reach. The way she explained it, they were more or less the Duttons of the Bay Area, at least in terms of influence.
They had to do it quietly, she was going to have to disappear. That's why he got her the car through the ranch, that's why she got her new phone number; only a few of her friends in California knew. And that was why Matt was threatening to file a missing persons report, to get her to come back.
"You know that Ryan would never ever-"
"I know," he agreed with her. Even if he thought she could do better than a cowboy he knew Ryan was a good man; he'd never hurt his sister in any way , let alone hit her. "I'm just worried….you've been through a lot," he was trying to explain. "I'm worried you're running back to something, someone that's comfortable, safe. And then if you figure out you don't actually want that," he went on. "I just don't want you to get hurt again." Even though she did the leaving, he knew her heart broke when she and Ryan split up the first time. She had enough trauma with Matt and now Lee without adding more potential drama to the mix.
"I appreciate it Jamie," she told him. "I just wish you didn't worry so much," she said with a weak laugh. "I'm home now, I'm safe." She nodded to him. "Matt hasn't filed, right?"
"No," he assured her. He had also told her the other day he had found a way for her to appear to the police in Montana rather than California if Matt did decide to file. It was going to take some paperwork on his part by a certain time, but it should be easy enough.
"Then, the sooner we get past it, the better," she said. All she wanted to do was forget about California and the things that happened there.
"Have you talked to Ryan about it?" he asked gently.
"Are you kidding?" she nearly laughed. "He'd take off for the city as soon as I told him. Then when dad and Rip figure out why he took off, let alone if Kaycee…" She trailed off, shaking her head. "You're the only one Jamie," she told him.
She had begged him not to tell anyone else in the family, knowing it wouldn't be quiet if they found out. She didn't want them getting into trouble out there; or, worse, what would Matt's family find out if they started digging around here to hurt them?
"And I'm always around," he assured her. "But you should talk to someone."
She was putting up a good front like she was going to be completely fine now that she was home, but he knew his sister and he also knew trauma had a way of sneaking up on you. He knew how sick the situation made him and he wasn't even the one in physical danger.
"Thanks Jamie," she told him, reaching to squeeze his hand. "Where you off to today?" she asked, wanting to change the subject.
"Meeting with the Governor," he said, getting up now. "I'm running for attorney general." He nodded at her. "What about you?"
"I think I'm gonna head over to Kaycee's," she said, wanting to see if he would finally talk to her.
"Good luck," he said lightly.
"You too," she laughed as he left her room.