(Or "No Moose is a Failure")

"Well, the last time you remember, I--" the narrator started.

"YEAH YEAH, you RUINED my life!!" Bullwinkle exclaimed, incredibly angered at the narrator.

"I didn't ruin your life, you did." The narrator replied. "Now come along, I have a lot to show you..."

"NO way!" Bullwinkle retorted, raising his hands, still pretty darn angry. But he was reluctantly dragged along by the unseen narrator into the glitzy, glamorous nightclub building, filled to the brim with people.

"Boris' club was filled to the brim with Jay Ward characters having taken a different path in life. Nell was now a poledancer for the club, Peabody was using his scientific knowledge to win every card game, Fred from "Superchicken" was a bartender, and Dudley? He'd become a robotic-masked DJ known to all as...Dud Punk."

"But where do I find Boris?" Bullwinkle pondered before gazing up.

"B-Bullwinkle gazed upwards to find that Boris' office was hidden at th' top of a large flight of stairs leading up to a hidden room in the right wall. He entered, and he couldn't believe his eyes..."

"O' money tree, o' money tree,

Ow' lovely are thy sta-acks,"

Boris sang as a raven placed large stacks of cash on his desk, actually arranging them in the shape of a Christmas tree. He was dressed in an elegant suit, with his hair slicked back by some kind of pomade.

"Vit' Franklin, Taft, und Ha-mil-ton,

I'll do anozer bank run!"

"Uh, hi?!" Bullwinkle asked.

Boris slowly turned to face the moose, looking up at his tall stature.

"Juhst who een de heck are yu?" Boris pondered aloud.

"I'm Bullwinkle." Bullwinkle spoke, smiling awkwardly. "Y'know, the uh, hero?"

"BAHAHAAAH!!" Boris cackled. "Vhat kinda STUPID name izzat?!"

"—says the guy with the last name of Badenov—" Bullwinkle spoke under his breath for a moment. "Look, you really need to give back Frostbite Falls to the people, besides, it's Christmas! I know you're bad and everything, but it's like they say, every time a--"

"Yea yea I know, EWERY time bell rings, BUFFALO gets HOT VINGS!" Boris laughed, so did his raven. "I NEWER give beck town, though. Vas goink to SEENCE ees Christmas, yu know vat, buddy? Heff some slot coins on da howse!" Boris tossed Bullwinkle a velvet bag filled with coins.

"Um, thanks?" Bullwinkle replied. He opened the door again and proceeded to walk back into the midst of the club.

"Well, what're you going to do next, friend?" The narrator asked the moose.

"This is all too much for me…" Bullwinkle groaned, then saw a hot tub. "Hey maybe a soak will calm me down!"

"W-whatd'ya mean?!" The narrator exclaimed, trying to catch up to Bullwinkle in the crowd of people. "D-don'tcha wanna maybe, learn a lesson about life or somethin'?"

"Maybe later..." Bullwinkle responded, quickly grabbing a fruity margarita from a nearby waiter and sunglasses off a partygoers' head. He slowly lowered himself into the hot tub, relaxing in the bubbly water.

"Oh, ees been rough." Natasha looked over to Bullwinkle. "Do I know yu?"

"I'm Bullwinkle." The moose replied. "Y'know?"

"No I don't." Natasha replied, her eyes narrowed.

"Anyway, what's going on? Boris treating you okay?" Bullwinkle asked,

(*Nat briefly stands up, revealing herself to be pregnant.*)

"OH--WOW!" Bullwinkle gasped at the sight of Natasha. "How'd...how'd that get there?"

"I sink yu know." Natasha replied, feeling a sharp kick as she settled back down into the warm, bubbly water. "Owsky!" She exclaimed, rubbing the side of her growing abdomen.

"Ooh can I touch?" Bullwinkle asked, leaning in closer to Nat's baby bump.

"Nyet." Natasha moved away from the moose.

"Come on, I won't hurt him...or her." Bullwinkle smiled, extending his hand closer to the expectant woman.

"I told yu, NYET!" Natasha replied, moving away yet again from the moose. "Yu vant I should let yu crush baybee wit beeg lummox moose hands?!"

"SEH-CUREETEEE!!" Natasha hollered as loudly as she possibly could.

"Bubbles formed beneath the hot tub until a large, intimidating shadow formed in front of the moose. Bullwinkle's eyes widened in sheer terror a-and tried to hide in the excess bubbles."

"R-r-ROCKY?!!" The moose gasped and squeaked.

"Rocky the flying squirrel now stood before Bullwinkle, but this was not the Rocky that he'd known and loved, no. This version of Rocky in this timeline was utterly massive, in height as well as weight. He looked like the strongest bodybuilder alive, with massive pecs, strong thighs, and huge biceps (Bullwinkle had no idea how he fit into the hot tub, or that it was deep enough). He'd abandoned his flight helmet for sunglasses and a leopard-print thong, and appeared to have a shock-collar around his thick, muscular neck."

(*slow, sensual saxophone version of "Santa Baby" plays*)

"Lady…" Rocky spoke to Natasha in a very deep, mature voice, bobbing his pecs. "This dude botherin' you?"

"Uh, narrator?" Bullwinkle asked, too terrified to speak.

"DA! Natasha exclaimed, slowly getting out of the hot tub and drying her pregnant body off. "YU MUST KEEL HEEM!"

"--since when did Rocky have a bodylikearnoldwithadenzelface?!!" The moose rapidly squeaked out

"M-Make sure to be with us next time for--" The narrator dodged a wine glass Boris had thrown at him. "FOR "Stewart's and All" OR "Perchance to Scream!""