Prompt #50: Holiday Market

Hope

Part 1

~oOo~

Columbus Circle Holiday Market

Columbus Cir & Central Park S

Saturday, December 11, 2015

Olivia watched Bernie with bemused interest as she flitted between the stalls admiring the plethora of homemade goods for purchase. Bernie had been insistent that this year her gifts would be all handmade by local artisans, and if the look of the basket on Noah's stroller gave any indication, Bernie had fulfilled her promise for this year's Christmas gifts. Bernie had quickly instructed Olivia to stay with Noah once she had happily declared she had spotted something Olivia would love. Bernie grinned and then walked off with a promise. "It won't take long dear."

"B!" Noah happily declared, and Olivia watched Bernie weave her way through the crowd to meet back up with them.

Olivia smiled as Bernie returned to her side and deposited her newest find in the basket of Noah's stroller.

Bernie winked at her. "No peeking!"

"I promise." Olivia laughed. "Where to next?"

"How about a snack? All of this shopping has made me hungry!" Bernie leaned down to peer in at Noah, "And now that my buddy is awake, maybe he'll share a gingerbread cookie with me."

Noah grinned, showing off his newly acquired bottom tooth before clapping his tiny hands and yelling, "Cookie! B!"

"That's right Noah. Grandma B is going to get you a cookie." Olivia shook her head in amusement before Bernie turned to look up at her, speaking quietly, "And maybe a tea for Mommy. She looks a little green."

Olivia stared at Bernie in confusion; she had been feeling nauseous on and off all morning, and the current plethora of smells around her hadn't been helping her shake it. She had also felt more tired than normal, and she was starting to wonder if she had picked up Eli's stomach bug. She must have looked pretty terrible for Bernie to comment on it.

"Olivia?" She heard the hint of worry in Bernie's voice.

Olivia smiled. "I'm fine. Just tired."

Bernie looked at her quizzically for a second, like she wanted to say something more, but instead, she took hold of Olivia's arm and started walking toward the snack stand. As they walked, Bernie made commentary on what she saw and what she wanted to come back for later. Olivia was only half paying attention as she was too busy doing the mental math to see how feasible it was that she had picked up Eli's stomach bug. She was halfway through her calculations when Bernie suddenly stopped and tugged on her arm.

"Olivia!" Bernie exclaimed. "Let's stop here first. Look how beautiful that is."

Olivia looked to where Bernie was excitedly pointing. There in the corner of the booth was an elderly woman crocheting a rose-colored pink baby blanket. She turned her attention back to comment on its beauty, only to find Bernie had let go of her arm and was currently fighting her way through the crowd.

"Bernie! Wait!" Olivia called after her, which she realized was useless as she started maneuvering Noah's stroller through the crowd with numerous, quick "excuse me" and "sorry" thrown over her shoulder so she could catch up with her mother-in-law.

When she finally made it to the stand, Bernie was watching the woman crochet in what Olivia could only describe as awe. Bernie watched the woman's quick fingers as she looped the yarn with her hooks. Bernie smiled as the woman looked up. "That's beautiful."

"Thank you," the woman smiled, not ceasing from her work, "it's almost finished. Please feel free to look around. Everything here is handmade by me."

Olivia watched as Bernie smiled and nodded before starting to inspect the homemade items laid out on the tables. Olivia checked in with Noah, who was content in his stroller before she looked around at the items the woman had for sale. Her breath caught in her throat as her eyes landed on a pair of crocheted baby booties.

The woman must have heard her because she turned toward her with a warm smile, hands never ceasing from her work. "Those are some of my most loved and requested items among expecting or new mothers," she smiled before adding, casting a knowing eye toward Bernie as she spoke, "and grandmothers."

Olivia looked at her with surprise. "They're so soft and so beautiful," she commented as she ran her fingers across the tiny booties. Her thoughts began to wander before being interrupted by Noah's excited voice.

"Doggy!"

"You want the doggy, Noah?" Bernie was asking with amusement as she held out a tan crocheted dog with a dark brown spot around its eye to Noah.

Noah reached out for the dog. "Doggy! B!"

Bernie happily gave the dog to Noah before unclipping him from his stroller. "Let's go check out the other animals while Mommy shops in the cute baby items." Olivia caught what she could only discern as a knowing glint in Bernie's eye as the woman looked at her.

Olivia gave Bernie a questioning eye, but Bernie only smiled before walking off with Noah. Olivia shook her head in amusement as she turned her attention to the baby items before her. She ran her fingers over the soft stitches, and as she did, her longing for more set in. Noah was everything she had wished for and more, but her heart still ached for the little girl she had seen in her dreams. Dreams of Elliot with a newborn on his chest, dreams of Noah kissing the top of his sister's head, and dreams of her welcoming their little girl into the world with Elliot by her side. Dreams that felt so far away, but yet made her heart ache with want. She knew she was content with her life and where they were as a family, but those dreams gave her a tiny glimpse of hope.

Her fingers landed on a small hat in the same shade of rosy pink as the blanket the woman was currently crocheting. She picked the little hat up and held it reverently in her hand. Her mind began swirling with so many thoughts and feelings that she wasn't sure where to place them all. She was happy, that she knew for sure, but still, she felt that something was missing and incomplete. Her heart knew she had even more love to give, but she knew, almost better than anyone, that life had its way of working out in its own time.

Her life in the past three years was valid proof of that fact. Her life had been filled with so much good and light after so much darkness.

The past years had brought Elliot home; his absence was explained away with an undercover stint and recent recovery from the traumatic event that had not only sent him undercover in the first place but had been the final straw in his marriage with Kathy. She had left him and took off to Rome to fulfill a lifelong dream of traveling the world. Elliot had let her go with only the promise not to lose his son. Kathy had readily agreed, giving Eli a say in what he wanted to do. Eli had gone with her for the summer before returning to New York for school and a life with his dad, older siblings, and to no one's surprise, except maybe Olivia herself, his dad's partner.

Olivia smiled remembering Eli's excitement when she and Elliot had shared the news that they were getting married.

Eli had danced around the apartment happily chanting, "My Livie!" until he had fallen into her arms, whispering, "Does this mean you'll be my step-mommy?"

"If that's what you want," she smiled at him, hugging him close.

He hugged her tighter. "I love you step-mommy Livie!"

"I love you too, Eli!"

Eli beamed at her, before grinning mischievously. "I like you a lot more than Philip."

"Eli!" She admonished, doing her best not to laugh at the mischievous look on his face.

He shrugged his shoulders. "Well, it's true!" Eli looked at her with those Stabler blues. "He tries to act like he's my dad, but I already have one of those!"

Olivia chose not to comment on the fact it was pretty much the same with her being his step-mom. She made sure he was looking at her before speaking. "He's just trying to get to know you, Eli."

"I know." He shrugged. "It's just odd."

"Give him a chance." She pulled him in for a hug. "For your mom?"

He pulled back a little, looking at her with a small glint in his eye. "Mom really likes him, and he makes her happy."

"See, he's not so bad." She did laugh at Eli's scrunched-up facial expression. "You like me, don't you?"

Eli giggled as she tickled him. "Of course, Livie!" He took a deep breath as she stopped tickling him, "That's different though! I've known you forever! Since I was born! You've always been family."

She smiled at him, brushing his hair back from his face. "It just takes time, Eli."

The boy shrugged his shoulders again before whispering, "I guess."

Olivia smiled at the memory; Eli had brought so much love and joy into her life along with his four siblings, but her heart knew, that even then, there was room for more.

Olivia glanced back over at Noah and Bernie. She smiled as Noah lay his head on Bernie's shoulder, and Bernie returned the gesture with a kiss on his forehead.

Noah had been their welcomed surprise after they had gotten married. After numerous attempts at having a child of their own, with no success, Olivia had found content with being step-mom to five of the best kids.

Then, Noah had found her. The moment she had picked him up from that motel room drawer, and he looked at her with his striking blue eyes, she knew he was meant to be her son. Months later, just as Eli was heading off to be with Kathy and Phillip for the summer, fate and a judge's hunch thrust her into the throws of motherhood with Elliot steadfast beside her. Noah was her shining light in the darkness that had plagued her mind and soul for so long. There was no doubt in her mind, ever, that they were meant to be. His adoption as Noah Porter Benson-Stabler had come exactly one year later, growing their family and bringing with him life, love, and laughter. Yet, even then, with all the happiness, and rightness of it all, she still felt that lingering of hope.

She turned the hat over in her hand once more before gently and reverently placing it back down on the table again, a soft sigh of contentment leaving her lips.

She had missed Bernie moving to stand beside her until she felt Noah's little hand on her shoulder and an excited, "Ma-ma!"

She smiled at him as he thrust the doggy toward her, barely missing whacking her in the face with it. She laughed as she felt the soft dog. "He's so soft, Noah!"

Noah hugged the dog as close as possible, smiling and happily exclaiming, "Love doggy!"

Bernie grinned as she bounced Noah in her arms. "I think Christmas came a little early for this one." She tickled his belly and smiled as he laughed. "I don't think he would let me take it even if I wanted to."

Olivia laughed as she brushed Noah's hair back from his face, smiling. "I think you're right."

She turned to Noah. "Did you tell Grandma thank you, Noah?" She beamed with pride as Noah turned and gave Bernie a gentle kiss on the cheek.

"You're welcome, Noah." Bernie hugged the little boy tight before turning back to Olivia. "You should get them."

Olivia glanced down at the booties and hat before sighing and turning back to look at Bernie. "Bernie, I don't—" She swallowed back the tears that threatened to fall. Her words ran through her mind, nothing seeming right to express her feelings. She ran the words through her head before finally landing on, "I don't need them." The words stung as they left her lips, and she did have to wipe a few tears off her cheeks.

Bernie rubbed her shoulder in comfort before gently turning to her with a pointed look. "I think you do."

The twinkle in Bernie's eyes shook Olivia, and yet, they ignited the hope within her.

"I—I'm not." The words stuck in her throat as she shook her head in disbelief. Her hand made its way down to gently rest on her abdomen as she whispered, "I can't be."

Bernie simply grinned as she picked the booties and hat up, turning her attention to the shopkeeper. "We'll take these too please."

The shopkeeper smiled warmly at them and nodded. "One moment please as I finish this last row."

Olivia barely heard Bernie's "no hurry" as she took hold of Noah as he reached for her. Her thoughts swirled in her head. There was no way. They had tried for so long and nothing. Noah would turn two in a couple of weeks, and Eli had just turned seven. Could it be? And her birthday was coming faster each day. Was there any hope in Bernie's "I think you do"? She was so lost in thought that once again she had missed Bernie walking up behind her.

"I think it's time for that snack," Bernie placed her bag in the basket of Noah's stroller. Olivia noted the size of the bag was a lot bigger than she had expected. Bernie smiled at her and whispered, "A little something extra for Christmas."

"Cookie!" Noah squealed.

"That's right, Noah!" Bernie grinned as she took hold of the stroller and started walking forward, leaving Olivia rooted in her spot.

Olivia looked over at the shopkeeper who smiled at her warmly before picking up her crochet and returning to her work, which to Olivia's surprise was now yellow and not anywhere near the blanket she had been working on when they walked up.

"Bernie, did you—is that different?"

"Hmm?" Bernie turned to look at her, smiling.

Olivia narrowed her eyes, looking at the woman once more and back to Bernie. "Never mind."

Bernie's words swirled through her mind as they walked. Was there any hope that she was pregnant? That her dream could come true? Her mind swirled with possibilities and hope. As she thought about it, she knew, realistically, there was no way what she had was Eli's stomach bug. Maybe. Just maybe—her hand found its way to her abdomen once more as if it was searching for the answer.

"Olivia?"

She was startled and almost ran into the back of Bernie, as the older woman had stopped due to the line at the coffee and snack booth. Olivia straightened herself up and hastily apologized. "Oh, sorry!"

Bernie laughed. "It's okay." Bernie looked at her quizzically for a moment before looking at her sincerely, "I take it you didn't know?"

Olivia raised her eyebrow. "About what?"

"That you're pregnant," Bernie said nonchalantly as if it were the most obvious words that could have left her mouth.

"Bernie—" Olivia started before her voice dropped to an almost whisper. "Do you think I could be pregnant?" The last word came out almost in an inaudible whisper as if speaking the word into existence could shatter the hope she was hanging onto in earnest.

Bernie's smile practically lit up her whole face. "You're glowing, Olivia."

The author of this SVU - Heart for the Holidays story will be revealed in January