After the worst day of her life, Merrill awoke before dawn surprisingly well rested and calm. It seemed that her bedtime routine worked after all, which was no small feat considering what happened last evening. Her routine was simple but effective: before sleep she cleared her mind of any strong emotions. This way she avoided the attention of demons. She used this routine since she was a little girl and her parents discovered her gift for magic.
She took a deep breath and opened her eyes. The room around her looked unfamiliar, and she needed a moment to remember that she was in one of the guest rooms of Hawke's Hightown mansion. But the bed was comfortable and the quiet darkness her old friend, so she was able to start her nighttime ritual. She smiled, fond memories from her childhood flooding her mind.
When she was a little girl she used the wee hours of the night to sneak around camp, studying objects kept away from children – old relics like antique weapons and pieces of armor, amulets or scrolls. She was curious and just wanted to look at them, alone, and was careful not to disturb anything. When a relic caught her attention, she pretended to play around before sunset, trying to find out where it was kept during night. Then after midnight she had her fun.
But all changed after her first Arlathvhen, when she was only four. She was handed over to the Sabrae clan, leaving her own Alerion clan forever. And she felt lonely ever since. Being the first to Keeper Marethari and the only child with magic was bad enough, as the other children usually avoided her. What made everything worse was the way the clan elders – Marethari, Paivel, Ilen – behaved: polite but distant, affectionless, and a bit haughty. Since the rest of the adults had their own children to care for, she was mostly ignored. Possibly everyone assumed that Marethari will take over as her new mother.
The only good memories during her stay with the Sabrae clan were those with Theron and his guardian, Ashalle. Theron was a little orphan who never knew his parents. Not being a mage made possible for him to befriend other children, but he usually preferred to play with her. And Ashalle was the only one who comforted her when she was upset, holding her and whispering soothing words.
Soon enough she felt like an orphan. So she started behaving like an orphan, avoiding the rest of the clan as much as possible, the only exceptions being Theron and Ashalle. And she changed her nighttime ritual. Instead of sneaking around and exploring the camp, she started thinking about what happened during the day, replaying events in her mind. Trying to figure out why others were upset about something she did or said, and how she could avoid such reactions in the future. This gave her confidence and made her a keen observer.
Then the Blight happened. Theron was taken away by Duncan and become the Hero of Ferelden, and Ashalle stayed in Ferelden while the clan moved to Sundermount, near Kirkwall. And she lost her only friends.
But she got lucky. After leaving the Sabrae clan for good, she found new friends – the Hawke team as she called them. People who really cared for her, helped her, shared adventures and stories with her. And they were humans, except Varric, who was exception personified, and Fenris of course. The strange thing was that she felt more at home with them than she ever felt among her people.
She smiled again then she interrupted the flow of old memories. She needed to concentrate on the previous day's events, searching for clues suggesting a possible solution. Also, however painful it was she wanted to recall Solas' last words to Mahanon, looking for any openings in the ancient elf's defense. She knew that she was no match for Solas, but she had nothing to lose. Not after yesterday. She took a long breath, cleared her mind and started the recollection.
The day began quite well. Freshly returned to Kirkwall from her long journey, she woke up early and did some much needed shopping in the Alienage and the Lowtown Market. Then she spent a bit of time exploring her newly improved home. In her eyes it looked more like a noble's mansion than an Alienage hovel. Now it had glass windows, a bathtub and an oven. The front room's back section was separated with a wall into a private study furnished with her desk, her bookshelves and also a comfortable sofa. She was overjoyed and promised to thank Varric and Hawke.
Her next stop was Hawke's Hightown mansion, where she found a welcoming and smiling Bethany who shared with her some innocent gossip and a tasty breakfast. She was surprised to learn that Varric was missing again, apparently being involved in some new Inquisition business, leaving her brother as acting Viscount. So he had to leave early for his office. Aveline was still Guard Captain and as no-nonsense and humorless as ever. As for Bethany, she worked as a healer in the new Hightown Chantry set up temporarily in the old Throne Room of the Viscount's Keep. She was so excited about the job that Merrill volunteered to go with her to help, wondering what happened in Kirkwall since she was away.
The Keep looked like nothing she remembered. The big hall at the entrance was divided into half a dozen small offices where clerks helped citizens with their problems. They covered a lot of things from complains, helping people find jobs, borrow money and many more things she wasn't able to understand. The times of waiting most of the day for an audience were over.
At this precise moment her mind did a trick and she remembered the long line of angry nobles waiting for an audience with Viscount Dumar. That line was a daily fixture during Dumar's term. Giggling, she imagined a large mural depicting the infamous waiting line decorating the hall's high walls, above the new offices. The image was so funny she needed a few minutes to calm down in order to resume recollecting yesterday's events.
They passed by a large meeting room which was used for debates about what the city needs, located near the Viscount office. Bethany told her that the room was also used for meetings with the ambassadors. Apparently Varric and Hawke invited ambassadors from every kingdom to Kirkwall, and all agreed except the Qunari.
Aveline also changed things. They just did a short trip through the barracks, but it seemed that no guard stood idle. Everyone was training, and Bethany explained that now the training covered much more than just fighting. It was also about things like how to stop mobs or smugglers, how search for murderers and gangs. Varric also gave every guard a small crossbow worn on the forearm, able to shot special bolts in the air which burst on fire when released. The color of the flame signaled the problem. Thus every patrol got fast the kind of help they needed.
They finally arrived at the old Throne Room and she found the antechamber divided into several small offices where healers tended to the injured and the sick. Bethany told Merrill what to do and directed her to one of the empty rooms. Merrill put her magical skills at good use. She improved her healing abilities during her journey, so she was easily able to help almost everyone. For the rare occasions magical healing was of no use, she used potions from a big and well stocked cabinet. She was surprised that no one rejected her help despite being an elf and a mage. On the contrary, everyone was polite and thanked her before leaving.
In the afternoon Garrett Hawke visited them and was very happy seeing her. He told them that Varric just returned from his mission and he had some grim news, and he will share them during dinner at the Hawke Mansion.
Merrill stopped the flow of memories. This was the first sign of trouble, and she now realized that yesterday she didn't noticed anything amiss. The word "grim" must have been Varric's choice, one Hawke just passed along. Hawke never used the word. Merrill remembered that Varric only used "grim" when things were very bad. Also, Hawke's happy demeanor meant that he had no idea what the news were about. Merrill nodded and returned to her task.
After finishing their work at the Chantry clinic, she and Bethany headed back to the mansion, chatting about the changes around Kirkwall since Varric took over as the new Viscount. Bethany told her that there were fewer problems between elves, dwarves and humans recently, and apparently the same happened between the rich and the poor. Bethany said that because everyone had good jobs or businesses to fill their days, people had less time bickering. She remembered thinking that most likely things were a bit more complicated.
A wave of strong emotions flooded Merrill's mind when she tried remembering what happened during dinner. She deliberately started her recollection with the morning events, hoping that she'll be able to remain cool headed while reaching the important part of the day. It did not worked out, so she needed to calm herself again and to try something different. Her best option, she decided, was to remember just elements of the dinner. Everyone's mood for instance.
The dinner started with just the four of them: Aveline, Bethany, Garrett and herself, Varric being late as usual. The mood at the table was good. Aveline looked content and quite curious about her journey. Hawke was relaxed but quiet, mostly listening to the conversation. Bethany seemed a bit tired but obviously excited seeing her again after almost two years. And the food was a collection of Merrill's old favorites. Then Varric entered the room.
Merrill never saw him in such a state. He looked tired, defeated and hopeless. And she now realized he probably slept very little since he left Winter Palace. He sat down with effort and just stared at them. And he kept staring at the four of them until conversation around him died. Then he started talking in a monotone, emotionless voice. He told them about what happened during the Exalted Council meeting, about the qunari attack and their Dragon's Breath plans, about Viddasala, the Shattered Library and the Archivist, the qunari fortress and finally the last encounter between Mahanon and Solas. Then he felt silent again.
Merrill sighed in relief. It was working. She didn't freak out, and was able to recall the reaction of her friends after Varric's story. Aveline and Bethany looked stunned, Hawke puzzled and Varric's face still expressionless. Then she remembered her unending flow of tears.
Still in control of her emotions, Merrill wanted to try just one more thing: to deduce Solas' mood during his speech. It was a difficult task because she needed to do it without recalling his words. But maybe she already did this while listening to Varric. She now remembered her reactions: shock, horror, fear, then compassion, sorrow and a bit of hopelessness. That was it! The last ones were what her mind made out of Solas' own emotions from his words repeated by Varric.
Merrill smiled: "All is not lost."
Then she closed her eyes and felt asleep.