What good does knowing do
With no one to show it to?
And I've grown tired of travelling alone
Tired of travelling alone
Jason Isbell

Bella

"You shouldn't rely on panic or anger to project it," Leah advised when she'd gotten herself ready. "It means you won't be able to learn how to do it without those emotions."

That wasn't an insight I'd expected from her having learnt of the phenomenon so recently.

She saw my confused look. "Anger is what makes us phase in the beginning. You know, like a protective instinct. But the first thing we have to learn is how to phase without any emotion so we can control it."

I nodded in agreement. "But I have to panic at first. I can't bring it to my skin consciously yet."

"What scares you?"

Everything. How horribly lonely I was going to be for the rest of my life—I'd never find another bond like ours. Dying. Dying painfully; dying alone and without him. But all of those things would be hard to conceptualise as an event. I needed to cause more of a visceral response in myself. Or did I? How was I supposed to sense and manage something that wasn't even corporeal?

"How about I phase in front you?" Leah pondered, watching my hesitation.

"I don't know … I razed a tree by accident. I don't think I should direct anything at you."

'I could injure you so easily, just by accident.'

"Why do you do that?" Leah asked carefully. "Like you're trying to hold yourself upright?"

"It hurts to think about them."

"We don't have to do this, you know."

"I need to."

Leah shrugged. She pulled at the tie of her wrap and both she and it fell to the ground at the same moment; there was a ripping noise and she burst forward. Grey fur was all I could see—Leah was gone and in her place was an enormous werewolf, her head now spates of feet above me, her muzzle pulled back over her teeth threateningly and she yowled so loud that if felt like my eardrums had burst.

Stumbling back hastily, I tripped over my feet and landed painfully on my tailbone. Leah was stalking towards me, hackles raised.

Trying to pay attention to my skin, I hit the heel of my hand as hard as I could into her nose. Leah gave a shrill bark and was shoved backwards, the force inconsistent with what it should've been; her claws left serrated lines in the dirt.

"Son of a bitch —that was a shield. It was like running into a brick wall." Leah heaved herself off her belly and used her discarded dress to stem her nosebleed.

"I'm sorry!" I squeaked. "Did I break your nose? That was a bad idea, I shouldn't have hit you."

"It's fine, we heal quick." She tied her dress back around herself and exhaled loudly. "See? Already stopped."

"… Is that a werewolf thing?"

"Yeah. A good one; vampires are as strong as you."

"That still hurt," I observed, grimacing apologetically.

"I agreed," she reminded me. "Did it work?"

"No, I can't sense anything. That's why I'm having trouble visualising it, there's nothing there."

Leah drew back and punched my shoulder with hardly any warning. Lightning shot down my arm as if I'd just been electrocuted.

"Damnit!" I shook my arm vigorously trying to dispel it.

"Did you feel your shield then?"

"No," I yelped, hopping sideways to get out of her line of fire.

"Huh. Worth a try, I guess. I felt it though."

We were both flexing our fingers, Leah straightening the ones she'd broken with her punch; my back was covered in muck and so was her front. A puddle of blood stained the corner of her dress, and she wiggled her nose again. The absurdity of the situation was suddenly apparent and we were both giggling. My laughter was still hysterical but it didn't hurt as much this time.

Leah and I practised for the rest of the morning. I held my palms up and she hit them repeatedly. She sporadically phased with minimal warning to keep my adrenaline up. Both our hands were stinging by the end and we were drenched in sweat. My arms were quaking from how sore my muscles were—my body kept striking the shield even though I couldn't sense anything.

We drove to the beach to cool off in the chilly water. Numbness was now all over me, save for the burn in my chest that was surely permanent. When I was distracted, I could think around it somewhat. But too cold a touch, too sharp a memory and it ignited harshly, a violent reminder my heart was gone.

"Do you like being a werewolf?" I asked, curious and selfish; I needed to think of something else.

"It's all right," Leah replied, bobbing her head under the water and flicking her hair back. "I was pissed at my dad for not telling me when I was a kid. But he's told me a lot now, which helped."

"Jake's going to be upset I didn't tell him," I observed worriedly. It wasn't my secret to share but he would still be mad.

"Yeah. And Billy's actually pretty worried. Jake's young but … he's growing faster than he should and his skin's getting hotter. Those are the usual signs."

"Wow. He's seventeen."

"It's happened before. Usually with boys. Hopefully he doesn't phase at school. Billy might have to explain it early if it gets too close. My dad told me when I started college, said I had to watch out for it. But mine wasn't too bad in the end, I was with him at the time."

"Did you believe him straight away when he told you?"

"Oh, yeah. Sam could tell me the secret once my dad did so he showed me. They told me together."

"It must've been strange to suddenly be able to run that fast and have your eyesight be a thousand times better."

Leah laughed a little. "I forgot how much you'd know. It is pretty cool, we all like that bit; we race each other a lot. It feels weird to come out of it sometimes, when our eyesight switches back. It feels like you've got the wrong glasses on."

None of the werewolves had mentioned my muted heartbeat, though they might not have been paying much attention. But … vampires hardly made any noise, especially during a hunt.

"Your hearing doesn't get better."

"No," she confirmed. "We use scent and sight to track them down."

I flicked my own drenched hair back, braiding it into a plait to deal with later.

"Can I ask you something? What are they like?" Leah grimaced. "I don't mean, like, their personality, I mean .. what are vampires like?"

It was gratifying to discover this didn't hurt as much either. Leah was someone who knew. Not everything, not the whole picture, but she knew.

"Silent. Not in an inert way, more like … they're always watching. Observing. They have almost no predators and face no harms so they're only observing things that interest them; they don't have to waste time scanning their environment like the rest of us. It makes them very focused."

"The leader, was he a real a doctor?"

"Yes. He's been one for centuries."

That pronouncement didn't have much of an effect on Leah. She and her tribe also measured in eons, their stories and customs rippling through each generation and back to their ancestors.

Having shifts at the restaurant for the next three days kept me busy but as soon as I was able to, I'd texted Leah and met her at the same dirt track on the edge of the woods.

The rest of the pack was there as well. They were older than me, all in their early twenties. Each of them was muscular, akin to bodybuilders, though more natural-looking. They watched my approach with expressions ranging from indifferent to irritated.

"We wanted to put something to you," Sam said when I got within earshot. "You're shield is similar to the cold ones. We'd like you to train with us."

"He was easy to kill. Why do we need her help?" Paul scoffed, not dismissive but not polite either.

"It's better to be prepared," Sam told him.

This was what I needed—the ability to practice. Some way to defend myself.

"Have you been able to call it up without using fear?" Sam asked, clearly aware of everything that had transpired between myself and Leah, probably from her thoughts.

"Anger, sometimes."

"Never calm?"

"Not yet."

"And it really doesn't feel like anything?"

"Not that I've noticed. But it does take effort."

Sam and the others took me through the drills they did as werewolves, though with only one of them at a time. Paul became more tolerant as he saw the benefits. The flat of my shield flung up when they lunged at me, spinning them off into another direction, which let them practise how they would adapt if a vampire threw them in the same way.

I had them sneak up behind me and try to shove me off balance, and they always could, but there was no damage. The coverage of the shield that I could fling from my hands wasn't particularly large then, but it let me know that it was in every part of my skin, though only malleable in my palms.

"I have an idea," Jared said. "Try and hold me back for as long as you can. Get ready."

It was all the caution he gave before aiming a punch at me. Panicking, I flinched reflexively. He didn't draw back when his knuckles hit the shield; he kept pushing, even as his feet slipped in the dirt from the struggle.

It worked.

There was something of a flicker this time, a prickle of sensation that lingered in my hands. Although I couldn't feel any pressure from Jared, my muscles were strained at the effort it took and I cast my hands to the side, causing Jared to tumble one way and me another.

"I felt that! Try again."

I made each of them do it, trying to see if some were stronger than others but there was no discernible difference. I only had to reluctantly stop when my tiredness became too much.

We went back to Sam's house, them piling into the bed of my truck. All of us guzzled down water and the others raided Sam's cupboards for snacks, evidently used to spending time here.

Sam and Leah sprawled on the couch together reminded me that they were a couple and I had to look away when Sam knitted his fingers with hers.

"So, spill. How come you've got this shield thing?" Patricia asked.

"I don't know. I've always had it."

"Some of the cold ones in our stories had extra abilities. One of them could turn day into night, like an illusion."

"Yours is cooler," Jared stated.

"Yeah," Patricia agreed. "Does it mean you've never been injured before?"

"I have … just not as bad as it could've been, I guess."

"How did you break your ankle?" Leah asked.

"James."

She winced. "Sorry."

"Are vampires strong enough to hurt you?" Jared asked.

'I promise I won't ever hurt you.'

"I was unconscious when it happened. My body couldn't respond the same."

There had been lots of injuries I'd avoided but I wondered now about a different kind. "Can I borrow your lighter?" I asked Sam.

Everyone crowded around me, morbidly curious. I held the flame to the pale flesh of my forearm—a flare of soreness and then my adrenaline kicked in and the pain didn't worsen. I floated it over my wrist then my palm with the same result.

Emmett had shown me this on his skin once, demonstrating just how hard vampires were to kill. I clicked off the lighter and shoved it back at Sam, standing abruptly. So close and yet so far.

"I just need some air," I gasped.

Escaping outside, I sagged down to a patch of grass and put my head between my knees. Everything was too hot, suffocatingly so. The air felt uncomfortably dry as I tried to gulp down breaths to stop myself from blacking out.

There was an angry welt on my inner arm from the flame and I kept my eyes on it while I breathed.

I needed a new plan.

I needed to find Victoria, another thing from before, someone else who knew. I needed a reminder that everything was still possible.

When they had spare time, one of the elders or other former werewolves would come and join the early morning training sessions. Now I knew the secret it was easy to see indicators. All of them were just as powerfully built as the current pack, even in their fifties and beyond, used to years of drills; and the mystic change having altered their bodies permanently.

I unnerved them—the vampire exile; the supernatural shield encased in a body that looked like one blow would finish it. But I absorbed their every word. Their advice was invaluable.

"Close the gaps in the circle," Harry ordered.

The werewolves tottered about until they surrounded me and Jared more completely. He was crouched down, staying out of my way, but poised to leap to my defence if my reflexes weren't fast enough.

"Throw them away from you."

Clenching my teeth, I tried to do what Harry asked. When fur flew at me, I slashed my arm out, flinging the mass sideways. My shield snapped back too quickly and Patricia was able to right herself in mid-air. Repeating the motion with my other hand caused her to thump into Sam and Paul when she leapt again and the three of them splayed like dominoes.

"You need to get back up faster," Harry told them. "Don't give Bella time to re-group."

They tried again. Paul was flipped over but Sam managed to duck under my poorly placed shield and lunge at me. There were high-pitched yelps as he and Jared collided. My shield followed my hands but without being able to see it, it was impossible to tell where I placed it. They'd helped me find its dimensions but couldn't do anything for how I maneuvered it; I'd have to practice that by feel alone.

Leah swapped with Jared so he could practice offence too and she barked a laugh when a low swoop knocked all the werewolves off their feet.

I had to call time out after a while, my arms trembling uncontrollably.

"That was brilliant," Jared enthused once he'd phased back. "We're already getting faster."

They were; it was why I was having trouble. My endurance wasn't a match for theirs.

"Start doing push-ups," Harry advised me. "It might make a difference."

Everyone had to leave for work shortly after, leaving me directionless. Tuesdays were the worst day of the week; there was so little to distract myself with.

I drove to Jake's house to see if he was home. I found him in his garage.

"Hey, Jake," I greeted, praising summer holidays.

"Wow, you're up early. Were you at the beach again?"

"Thereabouts. Mind if I hang out with you today?"

Jake had made good tracks; already the shell of the car was more filled in than the last time I'd been here.

I chatted with him for most of the day, prompting him to tell me about school and his friends and talk me through the minute details of his build. We went to the junkyard together and he darted about zealously after the pieces he wanted. The distraction was enough to pull me along until it was time to go back to Charlie's.

Once there, I opened one of my chemistry textbooks and poured over the organic molecules chapters; when I next looked at the clock, it was a quarter past two in the morning.