Floating ain't the same as swimming
I know I ain't drowning
But breathing isn't living
Falling ain't the same as flying
If I say I'm all right
Then I'd just be lying
Isabel Dumaa

Bella

As I got better with my shield, every free day I had, I now spent it searching the forests for Victoria.

A map and compass were my only companions. I drove to the mountains at daybreak and hiked for as long as I could before having to turn back to make sure I left before sunset. I took a new path every time, spreading them far, like spokes on a wheel.

My shield also became useful in a new way. Needing to empty my mind in this place that haunted me, I flung it from my fingertips in time with my pace until it became habitual.

Step. Thump. Step. Thump.

The rhythm didn't bring relief but at least it was something to focus on. Dents in bark, severing twigs—I could call it up almost every time now.

When a misplaced step nearly had me sprawled in the dirt, I discovered another use. I'd put my hands out to catch myself and my shield hit, but instead of just gouging the ground, it also launched me forward several strides. I overbalanced from the surprise and fell over anyway, bashing my forearms into a boulder.

Curious, I tried again. Aiming for the ground, I threw it and jumped at the same time and was able to hurl myself yards ahead as if I'd taken a running start.

This new skill took ages as well but after weeks of practice, I was able to propel myself into a hiking speed of less than ten minutes a mile, three times faster than my usual pace; than even that of a human pace. It was exhausting yet gratifying.

Every time I reached the turning point, I pulled out my supplies.

'This is for Victoria. I don't mean any harm.

I know what James was. I want to talk to you.'

I wrote the coordinates of where I would be when I next went hiking underneath my pleas to her.

Taking the knife out of its sheath, I scored my inner arm and wiped the blood at the top of the page. I slipped the paper into the clear plastic sleeve and stapled it closed, leaving a tiny space near the blood just in case.

Clambering quickly up a fat Sitka spruce, and relishing that I could, I sat astride a branch near the top, dug in my backpack for a few nails then used them to pin the note to the bark.

Jumping instead of climbing down, I let my shield spasm out so I could slow myself that way instead, catching myself by my fingertips as though grabbing a ledge.

I always came back from these expeditions bruised and sore, the same as my training with the pack. Despite my attire, Charlie didn't seem to believe that I was hiking but he never challenged me. And he was right in a way. Self-flagellation was a strange part of what I was doing, but it was a by-product, not the goal.

However, he did now believe my admission that I wasn't pregnant. He could clearly see my body hadn't grown these last months. If anything, I'd gotten thinner instead, my energy wildly inconsistent now.

Sometimes I was so weary from my days that I passed out, other times nothing made me fall asleep. Novels and music hurt—I often dragged my duvet to the backyard instead and watched the stars travel across the sky.

'All you can see are stars.'

This pain wasn't waning but I still sought it out. His ghost was still with me. He'd said my memories would fade so I clung to them desperately, even as white-hot sorrow burned the hole in my chest and made it hard to breathe.

My latest nightly foray into the garden soaked me in dew. I hung my duvet over the dining table to dry and sat at the kitchen counter sipping a mug of hot water.

Charlie didn't greet me when he came into the kitchen. I dimly wondered how long it had been since he'd stopped doing that.

"I'll go grocery shopping after work," I told him. Cooking for Charlie was one of the chores that emptied my mind.

"Don't bother."

"Oh."

That was unexpected. Charlie hadn't shopped for himself since I came here.

"I'm leaving soon. Got a job lined up in Montesano. A promotion." Charlie's voice was gruff. He was uncomfortable. "I spoke to David, he said he's happy to let you take over the lease if you want. I told him you've been helping with the bills and stuff and he doesn't want to bother with having to list it."

"Okay."

The wave of despair that crashed over me was disproportionate to the situation. Charlie and I had never really bonded in my time here and on top of that he couldn't hack dealing with me. He didn't want to try either. His life had been so simple before I'd arrived and he valued that serenity more than anything to do with me.

It wasn't Charlie leaving so much as him being the most recent one. Everyone left. What was wrong with me? Why was I so unlovable? So fucking hard to be around that people were falling over themselves to get away from me?

Charlie only took a few days to pack up all his stuff into a hired truck; the furniture turned out to belong to David; and he left after giving me a quick hug and a reminder that I could call him any time. We both knew it was an empty gesture.

The house didn't feel different with Charlie gone. My life had already been torn away so completely, the silences were already deafening.

I calculated the bare minimum I had to work to pay my new bills and let Justine know that I was able to work any extra shifts she had available. My college fund was going to grow more slowly now.

I could've moved into Charlie's old room but didn't. That didn't feel right either. Nothing about this place felt like mine and felt even less like a home.

My hand trembled before the doorknob of my bedroom for a long time before I finally pushed the door open.

One of my books was open upside down on the desk, marking our place. Everything I'd been wearing the day he'd left was in a jumbled heap on the bed, my jewellery winking out from the fold of cloth. The bottom drawer of my dresser was ajar but I couldn't face that. Slamming the door shut, I raced outside.

That had been a stupid thing to do—the hole in my chest cracked wide as I saw evidence of the life we'd had before. It was as if it was paused, as if we'd just stepped out for a moment. But that was nothing of the truth. He was gone. And so much of me was gone too.

Work. La Push. Scouting.

That was all I did now.

With no Charlie to regulate my time, I meandered when I didn't have to be at the restaurant. There was nothing to stop me so I spent days in the woods, buying a small tent to keep me, reluctantly, sheltered from the elements.

The woods were different without him.

Gnats buzzed after my damp skin, especially in this summer warmth. Foxes and rabbits darted across my path when my noisy footsteps disturbed them. I even saw a bear—nearly tiny after the werewolves—and it and I stared at each other through the trees. It was calm but did take a few steps toward me and I hastily raced up a nearby tree so I was on higher ground. Mauled by a wild animal would be just my goddamn luck.

I took my notes everywhere, pinning them high so no humans would spot them, and leaving my blood on the paper like a ghoulish signature.

My efforts were probably in vain. Victoria didn't seem to be here any longer. But when I went back to one of my old notes to check it was still intact after a thunderstorm, it wasn't there. Thinking it was a fluke, I checked two more. Leaping through the treetops, a nebulous excitement was bubbling for the first time. The other notes were missing too.

From my perch in the fir tree, I revolved on the spot, trying to see if I could sense her.

"Victoria?"

Not a sound. But that could mean anything.

"I just want to talk to you. I think you're … sad. Like me."

James deserved his death. Creatures like that shouldn't exist. But whatever hold he had on Victoria; threats or manipulation or her desperation … was still there in some way. Why else might she be here so close to the site of his demise? It wasn't vengeance. She could've killed me a bunch of times by now if she wanted to.

"Laurent's dead too," I said to the air. Perhaps he frightened her as well. "Everyone's gone. You and I are all that's left."

A flickering in the tree across the way almost made me yelp but it turned out to be an eagle. Obviously. Vampires didn't make sounds like that.

I spent the rest of the day at my post, uncomfortably watching for signs of animals racing away from something and areas that were too quiet. I needed binoculars.

Dusk propelled me back home. The cooling wind whisking past caused tears to spill down my cheeks.

The pain would never go away, I had to accept that. Twenty years, thirty years … ninety years—it would still be with me.

But so would his ghost.

"Why are you in the woods so much?" Sam asked.

"Hiking."

"Your scent goes pretty high up the trunks of the trees," he said lifting his eyebrow.

Right. No secrets here either. They must've followed me out of their territory to see what I was doing. "I'm just practising."

"You're looking for that vampire," he accused.

"She's not hurting anyone," I retorted, scowling at him.

"It's our job to protect this land."

"She's never even come here."

"Why do you care so much about her?"

"Because I think she needs help."

"Maybe we can help you," Leah observed. "We could go together and tell you where she is."

I didn't really want that. Vampires and werewolves were enemies, Victoria wouldn't welcome them. For all I knew, that was the reason she wouldn't come near me in the first place.

But they would be able to tell me precisely what direction she was in, so I agreed.

They phased and Leah hunkered down so I could climb on her back. I was tentative at first but then all decorum went out the window when she took off and I had to cling to her fur to stop myself falling off.

Though it was a speed I was used to, it was much more terrifying. It was noisy for one thing; they were puffing out metrical breaths and their paws hit the earth like a drum. And they were more susceptible to falters and heavy landings; Leah and I almost knocked heads when she jumped a creek.

Apart from the fact I could tell we were in the mountains, I didn't know if any of my trails had been correct. But Leah and Sam were following something steadily. We didn't slow, at least.

About an hour or so later, we skidded to a stop.

"Where are we?" I asked once they'd phased back.

"In the south, near Carter Falls. This is the freshest trace," Sam replied.

I had been searching in the right direction. We were close to Olympia and Tacoma. Maybe that's where she was hunting; people hadn't been talking about any missing hikers.

"Can you see her anywhere?"

"Nope," Leah said. "But she was here yesterday or the day before. Why is she hanging around?"

"This is near where James died. I think she's in mourning."

He'd called them wanderers, those that lost their mates. Though he'd said they were partners, maybe he was mistaken about that. But I also didn't believe Victoria would be mated with someone who wasn't like her.

I returned the next day, entering the dense forest in the east from where the falls were so that I didn't come into contact with the werewolf scent.

Bringing binoculars and protein bars and choosing the tallest tree I could find on one of the stopes, I was determined to stay for at least three nights to try and get her to talk to me. Scoring myself with the knife again, I peppered the bark behind me with my blood before settling myself in a sturdy fork. I was also glad at my forethought of bringing Tylenol; I got a headache only hours in from squinting through the binoculars.

The shades of greens, browns, and blues were endless. Owls and eagles glided past periodically, squirrels shimmied down the trees and leapt across branches. Keeping my eyes peeled for a flash of white or red, I slowly swept my gaze back and forth, changing direction every quarter. I also kept up a litany of words, trying to comfort her somehow.

At sunset, it was easier. With shadows all around, I was certain her hair and skin would be simpler to spot. Every time something fluttered in my view, I turned away from it, knowing she wouldn't be there.

Finally, finally, something that looked like a flame caught my eye.

I adjusted the binoculars hastily, trying to focus them. Almost a mile away, through the gap down in the valley, she let me see her at last.

Victoria was nearly hidden behind the trunk of a hemlock tree, a dozen yards or so up the cliff. Her face was impassive. Nonetheless, she'd shown herself.

"Thank you."

Her expression didn't change. I tried again.

"I wanted to make sure you were all right."

It was hard to see, my eyes weary and my headache back, but it looked as if she frowned.

"Have you been finding my notes?"

A small nod.

"Do you want to talk about James?"

Victoria's face became anguished. But she didn't leave.

"I'm sorry he hurt you."

No man that vile would leave his partner unscathed. She shook her head. A denial, a resignation … I couldn't tell.

"What have you been doing?"

Her eyes were as garnet as her hair. She'd been hunting somewhere. Victoria swept her arm out in answer, gesturing to the wilderness.

"Why do you stay here?"

That answer was too long. Or she didn't want to tell me.

"Are you scared of the werewolves? Is that why you won't come closer?"

It had been the wrong thing to say. Victoria vanished.

Stomach churring, I jumped to the ground and rippled my shield repeatedly, waiting to see if she would attack. An ambush seemed to be her style and if she'd been watching me for any length of time she would know I had a talent. Unable to see in the dark and unwilling to try to stumble my way back to my truck in this unfamiliar terrain, I waited in the darkness at the base of the tree all night, terrified.

Every time I felt myself nodding off, I scrabbled my nails into the dirt to try and pull myself out of it. Whenever I screwed up my courage to try and make my way to my truck anyway, a silence would descend, real or imagined, and I'd have to ripple my shield again; tiredness forgotten.

When dawn broke, I scrambled to my feet but after so long in stillness my body was completely stiff—I gave myself a Charley horse in each leg when I took my first step, the spasms making me cry out.

Rubbing my calves vigorously helped enough to let me hobble back to my truck. I began to relax as I drove towards Forks. I'd upset Victoria but not enough for her to be angry. The only thing I knew for certain was that she wasn't going to kill me. Alice would've seen it and I knew none of them would ignore a vision like that.

Once I was home, I had to steel myself for ages before I was able to step into the hot shower I needed to ease the tautness in my muscles. Rooting through the cupboards in the bathroom, I found the medicine I needed and worked the salve into my many shallow scrapes and bruises. This latest cut into my arm was worse than the earlier ones; my anxiety no longer flailing when I pressed the knife to my skin. I spread antiseptic over it and pasted a bandage on top.

Leaving us time to gather ourselves, I only returned to Carter Falls on Tuesday. How I wanted a way to track Victoria properly. Vampire scent was easily detectable on their skin but any more than a few inches away and there was nothing for me to follow.

Victoria never trailed me. Never came to my house or to La Push. Because of me? Or the werewolves? Either way, it seemed something she didn't want to face.

She showed herself quicker this time, though she still kept her distance; I'd missed her twice with the binoculars before I actually spotted her.

"I'm sorry about the other day. I won't ask again."

Victoria shook her head. An apology? This was the most intense game of charades ever.

"How long will you stay here?"

No answer. Perhaps she had none.

"Is there something I can do to help you?"

Her eyes narrowed now as well. Suspicious, distrustful. With good reason.

"Is there something you want?"

No answer. Victoria stared at me for a long time then left again.

It was impossible to tell what of her behaviour was sadness or fear and how much was the unknown of interacting with humans. The Cullens had been an anomaly; perhaps all other vampires were skittish around humans when they weren't thirsty, though I doubted it. Surely that was only Victoria's countenance, but I had no idea how to make her less frightened.

I stayed all day but she never came back. My next venture yielded nothing and so did every other one over the weeks.

She'd disappeared.

Awaking in my tent after another fruitless day of searching, I was fraught and frustrated. I shoved everything back into my backpack and took off in the direction I'd last seen Victoria, crossing the invisible line into her territory.

It was rockier here, the trees sparser. There was no hiking trail; I had to scramble over boulders and elbow my way through thick branches and ferns, scattering leaves and getting covered in scratches.

When the sun broke out across the wilderness, I stopped. My trek had taken me up into the hills, higher than I'd climbed before. Roofing my eyes, I tried to spot a glinting figure in the distance but knew it was pointless. She wouldn't stay in the sunlight.

Slouching back against the mountainside, I saw just how precariously I'd situated myself with my annoyed rampage. One wrong step and I'd have tumbled off the ridge. Clinging to a sturdy tree limb, I leant further forward to see what the drop was like.

It was far.

'Hold on tight!'

I jumped.

The freefall was much longer than I'd imagined—my hands slammed into my shield as I panicked, flipping me head over heels, and it took an alarming amount of time for me to right myself again.

Flattening my shield, I skidded my hands along it and was able to slow my fall with each incremental ledge I created. I also managed to land on my feet; I was getting better at it.

But the adrenaline was still there in spades. Trembling, nearly winded, I had to put my hands on my knees and take measured breaths for a long while before I could set off again.

The pack and the elders knew what I was doing; trying to comfort someone they didn't think deserved or needed it.

"You need to be careful, Bella," Billy told me after our training session was over.

"I am."

"There are healthier ways to cope."

I doubted that. Pain was my other constant companion—nothing would dim it so I might as well seek it. Drugs didn't work. I'd tried codeine and alcohol but neither lessened the burn or the nightmares so I didn't bother to keep experimenting.

"Were they going to change you?"

That shocked me. Billy and I stared at each other.

"I wanted them to," I replied, figuring it was useless not to tell the truth.

"Is that why you're trying to find the female?"

"No. I also don't think she has that kind of restraint."

"Just … be careful."

Billy watched me leave, his expression concerned.

Angela called me to hang out with her and Jessica after work on Saturday. We went to a movie in Port Angeles, where I stared mindlessly at the screen and blocked the dialogue, and then had dinner at one of the restaurants.

Both of them talked excitedly about college coming up in the fall. Angela had already visited her campus multiple times to get the layout and plot the easiest way around, Jessica scoffing at her effort.

"Just wing it."

"It's going to be so different!" Angela fretted. "It's such a big school."

"That's the best thing about it. The dating pool just got way better. College guys are so sophisticated. No more of this driving to a back lot to make out."

Jessica must've dumped Mike. Or not. None of my business.

"What did you decide for your major?" I asked.

"Communications," she replied around another bite of food. "I want to be a journalist."

"You'd be good at that," I nodded. She definitely had the tough, relentless personality needed.

"Thanks. Are you still staying here for a bit?"

"Yes."

"Your dad … moved away, didn't he?" Angela asked hesitatingly, though she would've known it was the case. I didn't interact with people in Forks much, even less than previously, but eyes followed me whenever I was in the grocery store and people whispered behind their hands at the restaurant, all talking about Charlie's departure. The Cullens as well.

"They wanted an experienced chief in Montesano."

"I couldn't imagine being without my parents at this age," Angela observed, even more quietly.

"It's not so bad," I lied. I knew they didn't buy it. They pitied me, as everyone did; the father moving and leaving the child behind.

"You have to come and visit us," Jessica enthused. "Freshman week is going to be so much fun. They'll be parties every night."

"I'll see," I said, smiling tightly. I'd never really been into that kind of campus life and all my thoughts of college this past year had been about going with him.

"Have you, um, heard from the Cullens? Do you know how they're doing in California?"

Guess it was a free-for-all now. Jessica and Angela had probably been bursting to ask me this for months; no one knew what had happened.

"No."

California … they wouldn't have gone there. I wondered vaguely what they'd told people.

"They don't keep in touch?" Angela asked, confused.

"Why would they?"

"Mike and I are still friends. I'm friends with Katherine too," Jessica prompted, naming his younger sister.

How fucking fantastic for you, I thought acidly. Apparently I wasn't worth that much to the rest of them. He and I couldn't be friends—that would hurt worse than anything I was suffering now. I wanted him too much.

Watching him fall in love with a mate, a real one … if that ever happened while he was in my life—my mind blanked momentarily as the agony became excruciating. Equally, I couldn't imagine myself with another either. The thought of someone else touching me actually turned my stomach and I had to clamp my fingers over my mouth.

Angela and Jessica knew they'd upset me and didn't ask me anything more about them. We stayed on safe topics, which meant I questioned them about their plans and didn't let them question me.