I'm afraid of all I am
My mind feels like a foreign land
Silence ringing inside my head
Please carry me, carry me, carry me home
I've spent all the love I saved
We were always a losing game
Duncan Laurence

Bella

Sarah called Jake and I in from the garage. She'd made us lunch and I ate everything on my plate so as not to be impolite, though it sat like a lead weight in my stomach. She was trying to feed me up; she'd given Jake, a teenage boy well on the way to being over six and a half feet tall, and me the same amount.

"I hope you come by more often, Bella," Sarah said. "Even if it's just for dinner. I hate thinking of you in that empty house."

"Charlie worked a lot anyway."

She frowned. "Are you sure you don't want to stay here? You're always welcome."

Both she and Billy had offered before too. They thought Charlie's actions had been a weird move for a parent to make, though I'd explained that Charlie wasn't to blame. It wasn't something a parent who chose to be a parent could grasp; the relentless obligation, the crushing feeling of failure, the wish to turn back time. At least this way, Charlie would be free.

I didn't know whether they'd said anything to him directly but he had only visited La Push once since he'd moved. He was further away but not so far that it was a difficult trek. We'd crossed paths at the Clearwaters house when I was hanging out with Leah and he hailed me with questions about how I was faring. In his sight, I was a constant worry. Away, he didn't think much about me.

"I like being by myself," I fibbed. It would be unfair to inflict my nightmares on them and that was only the tip of the iceberg.

Jake swallowed nervously. "Are you sure? It would be awesome."

"You're just saying that so you can kick my butt at Xbox every day."

He snorted. "I can't believe how much you suck at it. We play all the time."

"There's too much to remember."

"I won't be seeing you when you're a doctor."

"That's interesting. Video games are tedious."

"You haven't found one you like yet. Come on."

Jake was keen to show me something else he was good at, wanting to impress me as he had with his car. I hoped his infatuation wouldn't progress to something that meant I'd have to hurt his feelings. We weren't right for many reasons, all of them to do with me.

The game was something of a distraction but not exciting in a way for me to pay enough attention to achieving anything, so I mostly provided fodder for Jake's laughter and insults as I traversed in the wrong directions.

Sitting close to Jake on the couch was making me warm; summer heat or uncomfortableness, but when I scooted sideways I knew it had been less nonchalant than I'd thought when he frowned unhappily.

"Did you want a drink?" I asked, trying to cover the awkwardness.

"Sure."

Billy came down the hallway while I was in the kitchen. "Is Bella winning?" he grinned at Jake. "You don't look happy."

The ripping sound that tore the air was dreadfully recognisable.

Twisting, I hastily threw my palms out to shield Billy and Sarah; the glass I'd been holding shattering on the tile.

Inhuman wailing; screaming.

The werewolf now in front of us, the size even more startling inside, whipped his muzzle from side to side in a continuous howl. The couch was flung over sideways and an end table smashed into the wall, denting the plaster and losing two of its legs. Pieces of fabric, Jake's clothing, fluttered down to the floor. The little house was juddering as though pitched by an earthquake and dust actually fell from the ceiling.

Jake smacked his head against my shield and staggered, dazed, his paws jumbling together. He wasn't used to his new bulk and couldn't right himself, tipping dizzily to one side and crunching the rest of the broken end table under his back paw; the unexpected sound causing him to bay louder. He was making such a terrified racket that he couldn't hear his parents trying to catch his attention.

Curling my palm, I tried to curve my shield around to protect the rest of the things in the living room. The couch was only on its side, not yet broken, but Jake was unknowingly whipping his tail around as he stumbled and it was dangerously close to the TV; that would cause a huge amount of damage if he lurched it into the wall as well. The inability of Jake's tail to suddenly breech its left side told me I'd half succeeded. Carefully flexing my hand, I tried to prod him into taking a step forward.

Heavy footfalls and the front door burst open. A body rushed past me and into my line of sight and I saw it was Sam. He clamped his hands down around Jake's snout. Jake's screaming howls became somewhat muffled. His huge paws skated on the linoleum as he tried to wrench himself free of Sam's hold. His hindquarters hit my shield and he couldn't back up any further.

"Let me by."

Hating to do it, I let the shield in my right hand drop so Billy could wheel himself closer to Jake. I kept my other up so Jake didn't accidentally fall backwards if Sam's hold failed.

Unable to lose himself from Sam's clutches, Jake had to accept Billy's hand on his flank. Billy spoke to him in a soothing dialect, nothing I understood, and it allayed his flailing paws, though Sam was still straining to hold him in place. Sam put one hand on Jake's scruff and shoved him down on his belly. Jake and Billy were eye-level now and that seemed to be helping. Sarah went over as well, putting her hand on Jake's muzzle.

Jake was frothing at the mouth he was so petrified but between Sam and his parents, he recognised he wasn't going crazy. I'd never seen such raw fear in the eyes of an animal. With other things to occupy my attention during the training sessions—like their giant paws and teeth—I'd not paid much attention to their expressive eyes. Too expressive to be a simple wolf. If anyone saw one of the werewolves up close, there could be little doubt that it was something more.

Now that Jake was on the floor, I dropped my shield completely and stooped to quickly pick up the pieces of broken glass at my feet, tossing the shards into the garbage bin.

When I stood up, I contemplated whether to start on the rest of the broken things, Jake's torn clothing at least, but then became conscious of the fact I was intruding on something ancient and personal. They might have confirmed my awareness of the existence of werewolves but they weren't the Cullens, who'd been happy to share centuries of lore and history. It wasn't within my right to stay, to witness whatever they needed to do for Jake.

Jake was slightly calmer and Sam was at the house. The rest of the pack was either making their way over or only a phone call away. Sarah and Billy had no need of my shield to keep them safe now.

I inched toward the door and then left when no one called me back.

I felt horrible; Jake was so young. The full weight of his abilities and the expectations of his tribe on him years before he was ready. But Leah said it had happened before; they'd have a plan for how to help him.

Jake was going to be angry with me. All the things I knew and understood before he did, the secret I hadn't shared.

Early the next afternoon, a furious pounding on my front door snatched me out of my apathy.

Jake was there, his expression hard. His clothes were dishevelled as if he'd slept in them or hadn't slept at all. He felt more imposing now—the teenage boy gone and the werewolf in his place. Jake was breathing as if he was winded and his hands were trembling already.

I cringed.

"Let's go outside," I said before he could speak. I didn't want a repeat of yesterday, especially as none of the things in this house were mine. I led him to the backyard, having to put my hand to my chest to stem the burn this repetition provoked.

"You knew," Jake said flatly the second we rounded the corner.

I nodded. It would be churlish to bring up he'd explained it in the first place.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he spat.

"You know why."

"That's bullshit, it's my life—"

"I wasn't about to go against something your dad wanted for you—"

"You have never done what he's asked—"

"Not about you!"

"And you knew—you knew what they were and how dangerous they were? And you still hung out with them all the time?"

"They're not dangerous."

"They are—"

"We're never going to agree on that, Jake, so don't try," I retorted.

"What about that other bloodsucker?" he demanded. "The one you're trying to find?"

"She's not going to come here. If she was, she'd have done it already."

"Everyone's worried about you. It's in their heads, how strange you're being."

"Thanks for the commentary," I snapped.

We were scowling at each other. Jake's shape was blurring; the ends of his long hair were wobbling he was twitching so violently and there was a tick in his jaw as he fought to calm himself. I took a few steps back so he had some space.

My move distracted him. "Do you really have a shield?"

I shoved him several paces in answer and it pulled him further from his anger.

"You were born with it?"

"I guess. Some things happened when I was younger that make me think so."

"Like what?"

"I got stung by a scorpion, except I didn't. And a doctor couldn't give me an injection at first because I was panicking too much. The needles kept snapping when they touched my skin."

Jake's eyes widened a little. "That would've been weird to see. They didn't do, like, a test on you or something?"

"Not that I remember. I reckon he thought there was something wrong with the needles. Like a faulty batch."

Jake frowned. "The others were thinking of things … you tried to burn yourself. And you're always bruised now."

"Occupational hazard."

"Why are you hurting yourself?"

"I just told you, I'm not."

Jake stared at the fading splotches on my arms, the new bandage on my cut arm that I hadn't yet taken off. "Why did the Cullens leave?"

"They didn't want to stay here anymore."

"That's not an answer."

"That's all you'll get."

He gave me a nasty look. "You used to be nicer. I can't believe you're acting like this. All over some guy—"

"He's not some—you don't understand—you have no idea how this feels—"

"Why?" he demanded, petulant. "Because I didn't cry when my high school girlfriend broke up with me?"

"Because you have a family! Because you don't know what loss feels like! Do you have any idea what it means to find out your family doesn't love you anymore? That maybe they never did? That he left you to die alone in the middle of fucking nowhere—"

Fissures ripped through the earth, deep enough for dirt to cascade in. I paced in a tight circle, trying to work off my rage.

This was insane—I'd never had a viciousness in me and now it took so little to set it off and so much to bring it down again. My human self wasn't enough to contain the supernatural side.

But I'd always known that. Loving him was like that too. Immeasurable and fierce, even now. He'd abandoned me and I still loved him just as much as before … knew I could never love another. I had nothing left. Not even a scrap of love remained for me to give someone else. He was my soulmate, even if I wasn't his.

'And you are mine.'

My legs gave out and I tumbled down, curling into a ball. Jake was there, his now scorching hand on my arm. He knew I didn't like being touched but seemed keen to try to soothe me anyway.

"Sorry," he muttered. "I always say the wrong thing."

"It doesn't matter."

"We're pretty messed up, aren't we?"

I gave a hollow laugh. "That's an understatement."

"Bella … I have to know. Did they really just leave? Or did something else happen … between you and him?"

"They just left."

He nodded absently. I couldn't tell if he believed me.

"How are you?" I asked when I'd found the strength to sit up and could think properly again. "You must've been terrified."

"I thought I'd lost my marbles," he observed tonelessly, his brow creasing. "I wasn't even that pissed off … I don't what it was. Sam and Paul were in my head straight away but I didn't know it was them, that just made it worse. But it wasn't as bad as some of the others."

"Things make more sense now. Things fell into place."

"Yeah. That's kinda the feeling."

"I'm sorry it happened like that."

Jake shrugged, calmer now. "It had to happen sometime."

"Were you angry at me?"

"Nah."

I didn't know how to bring it up. I didn't want to embarrass him, especially if I'd got the wrong end of the stick. But I also didn't want him to waste any time on something that would never be.

"Are you scared of Victoria?" he asked.

"No."

"Then what did you mean? That he left you to die?"

"He always looked out for me. I got too used to it."

Death was not something I'd really contemplated until I came to Forks. Even then it was only ever intangible; I'd made my choice. And he'd always saved me, as I'd known he would. But now … nothing stood in my way. It loomed like a bitter phantom, an oblivion that was as enticing as it was petrifying. If I was dead, there wouldn't be any pain at all. But no pain meant he wouldn't be with me in any form.

"We'll protect you," Jake said assertively, slipping into the plural automatically, even so soon.

"From what?"

"Anything."

'You don't have to worry about those things either. I will take care of you.'

An empty promise—like all the other ones.

"Victoria's gone anyway."

"Where did you last see her?" Jake asked.

"Mount Howitt."

He gave me an incredulous look. "You've been going that far?"

I nodded.

Jake still wasn't happy with that but he said; "Let's go check it out."

"Are you sure you want to? It only happened yesterday."

"I've got to get used to it."

"Okay. As long as you promise to turn back if you see her."

Jake took note of the steel in my voice and agreed.

I turned away before he undressed. I was used to the pack phasing back and forth but it was odder with Jake fully clothed instead.

When I was situated, he danced in place, tipping me to one side in an effort to make me laugh. I appreciated the gesture, though it didn't work the way he'd hoped.

Jake was less careful than Leah. We charged through the undergrowth with extreme speed, mud and pine needles flying up under his paws. But like the rest of the pack, Jake didn't get tired the same way anymore. He'd be able to keep this momentum for a good few hours.

"You're right. She's not been here for ages," Jake said when he'd inspected the place I'd last seen her.

"Which direction did she go?" I asked, turning back to face him again.

"Further south," he pointed. "Towards Grays Harbour."

"I think I freaked her out." Granted, my experience was limited, but I'd never known a vampire to be so wary. Esme was shy but she wasn't skittish the way Victoria seemed to be.

"Will you stop coming here now?"

"I supposed so."

"Because it's pretty dangerous. You haven't been following the hiking trail. What if you got lost?"

"I've gotten good at finding my way around."

"Is there even a phone signal out here?"

"I don't bring one," I admitted.

Jake made a noise of frustration. "I never figured you for the irresponsible type."

Was that was I was now? Reckless … impulsive … I'd never really thought of myself like that. But perhaps it was true. If you squinted, my relationship with them had shades of it.

'This isn't your responsibility.'

Victoria was gone. Had she found some peace? Was it finally too much? Two sides of the same coin. Both of us seeking something that would never be.

Jess had a party the day before she left for college and I went, just for the distraction.

Excitement bled into everything, tainting everyone but me. They all chatted enthusiastically about their hopes for the future, most heading off to a city for the first time. Some were nervous about this, others were impatient for fully stocked grocery stores, movie theatres, fast food, and coffee you didn't have to buy from a cantankerous old lady who refused to serve people who had ripped jeans.

Most everyone gave me a wide berth as if I was diseased. The freak who was staying behind despite some of the best grades in the school. Bills, student loans … it was clear that no one was thinking of things like this, only focused on what was right in front of them.

Again, part of me thought of the card that was still in my wallet. I couldn't destroy it, more proof he'd existed, but I couldn't use it either. What would I even buy? College tuition? I wanted to go with him. A house? Where I'd live alone. The only thing it offered was an empty half of a relationship. Money but no companion. Stability but no love. I couldn't subject myself to that torment.

"What are you doing for your birthday?"

It took me a rude amount of time to realise Lauren had been talking to me.

"Oh … I haven't decided yet," I hedged.

I'd actually forgotten it completely. Alice had done an elaborate party for my eighteenth last year and he'd taken me to the first opera of the season in Seattle the month after. Ostentatious birthdays weren't something I typically did but Alice hadn't been one to be deterred by a little thing like my wishes.

"You should totally come to Portland for it!" Lauren said excitedly. "We'll show you around, it'll be so much fun."

Jess had clearly spoken to her, the offer a repeat of her earlier one.

"Sure, sounds fun," I said placatingly. "If I get the day off work, I'll let you know."

Later, Angela came up to me. "Are you sure you're doing okay? You still seem really down."

There wasn't much of an answer to that. I wasn't okay. I wouldn't get better.

"I'm working on it," I replied. A truth of sorts. I just knew that no one else would agree with my methods.

"I'm sorry it happened like that."

"Yeah. Me too."

"You were so well-suited, I always thought so."

"Ang, please. I can't talk about it."

"Right. Sorry."

She tapped her fingernails against the side of her cup, a static, nervous sound. "They didn't say goodbye to us," she blurted suddenly. "Alice and —, well, you know. I thought we were friends this last year. Guess not."

I shrugged, unable to explain that's what happened with them. I just never imagined that I would be on the other side of it.

Angela took the hint and didn't say anything more.

Even though it was an hour on foot, I walked home. When I reached the branch on the highway that would take me back to the house or further north, I stopped. The woods that bordered the road were teeming … crickets and other insects, the leaves brushing over each other in the slight breeze, a hooting owl.

The price of my solicitude was constant sound; odd, considering I would've heard everything once I was a vampire. But now it was only grating.

I contemplated walking. Walking until I couldn't move anymore. How far could I get? What would I do when I was forced to stop?

I had no answers. And so I went back to the house.