The smell of pine filled the air as soon as we stepped into the cabin.

"You got a tree!" I exclaimed, making my way over to it. "A real tree!"

Whenever we'd spent Christmas at Mt Baldy in the past, we'd always set up the synthetic one. I never minded, but I never knew what a big difference a real tree made until now.

"Thought it might make the place a little more festive," dad said, lifting up from the couch and walking over to the tree.

Dad was so into Christmas, but I knew he really did it for me. And while I didn't like the idea of him pitying me, I had to admit, the tree might just be worth it.

"It's beautiful."

"We took care of the lights," Tito stood up to join us, "but we thought we'd leave the ornaments for you little cuzes."

A bin of Christmas decorations from our basement sat by the tree. I went over to open it, smiling as I saw the ones on top.

"Hey! I have one just like that at my house!" Twister said as I pulled out a paper plate snowman.

"Because we made them in class together, genius," Otto replied.

"Oh yeah. I think Lars made one too. But his was an evil snowman with red eyes and sharp teeth. Mom never put that one on the tree."

"Remember that time Lars tried to trick you into giving him all your presents?" Otto asked.

"Yeah. Mom was pretty mad at him."

"Wasn't that the year Twister tried to go to the North Pole?" Dad joined in.

"Lars told me Santa didn't get my letter!" Twister said defensively.

Tito laughed. "We went searching' the whole city for you."

"Until Officer Shirley found you at the train station," Dad reminisced. "That's gotta be our most memorable Christmas Eve."

"You should've known better than to listen to anything Lars said," Otto added.

He never knows better than to listen to Lars, I wanted to say.

I wanted to join in—be a part of the memories, but it was too bittersweet. Thinking about good times just tainted them, making them sad.

And watching Raymundo laughing with him again made me feel guilty for ruining their relationship too. Twister had been like a second son to him, but after the breakup, I didn't think they saw much of each other. I guess it's hard as a dad to want to stay close with the guy that broke your daughter's heart. Even if your daughter insisted it was a mutual breakup.

"I'm gonna go take a shower," I said, dropping the gingerbread ornament back in the bin. "You guys decorate without me."

Dad's smile turned into a concerned frown. "You sure, Rocket Girl?"

Great, not only did I ruin his fun trip down memory lane, but now the sympathy was back full force.

Everyone was just looking at me. I was the only one here who couldn't get past this and just have fun decorating the tree. Twister hadn't even been phased. There was no way I could spend all that time reliving all those memories and pretending everything was okay.

"I'm sure."

O.O.O.O.O

Three days down, I thought, sinking deeper into the water. Four to go.

At least today, Otto hadn't forced me to sit with Twister on the ski lift. I'd actually managed to barely interact with Twister at all. But this trip was exhausting. It wasn't the fun break from school I'd been longing for. It was a constant emotional battle, which I knew was only my problem. Everyone else was having a good time until I did something to bring down the mood.

I took a deep breath, letting watching the hot water steam against the cool air.

And then I met a pair of familiar eyes. Because why wouldn't Twister be out here?

He'd just walked through the gate, looking like a deer in headlights. It was obvious he wanted to turn around and leave when he saw me, but the fact that I'd already seen him probably was the reason he walked towards me instead.

"I thought you were in your room," he said when he got closer. "I was trying to get out of the cabin."

Me too.

"You don't need to do that," I said, assuming he meant for my sake. "Unless you wanted to," I added on quickly. "I know it can get a little crowded in there."

And maybe he was trying to escape me.

He just nodded towards the hot tub. "Can i join?"

"Go for it."

I knew I shouldn't watch him as he got in, but I couldn't help myself. It had been a long time since I'd seen Twister shirtless and it was a pretty good sight—tan, muscled skin. That chest that I used to lay my head against, pressing a kiss into it as we laid on the beach after a perfect day of surfing.

Crap. Did he see me looking?

I turned my head to look at the mountain, swallowing hard. I needed to think of something to talk about. My brain filled with small talk ideas, but when I looked back at him, they vanished.

He was leaned back against the side of the hot tub, his eyes closed in exhaustion. I knew him well enough to read his body language; something was wrong.

"Is everything okay?" I asked hesitantly.

I wasn't sure I wanted to get into any heavy conversations with him. That wasn't us anymore.

He opened his eyes and faked a weak smile. "Yeah."

Should I push? I shouldn't. But I couldn't help myself.

"Twist. Come on."

"It just sucks," he said finally. "This stuff with us. And I know it's my fault."

It's not, I almost said. The words were on the tip of my tongue but I couldn't bring myself to say them. Because he was right.

I didn't know what to say. I wracked my brain for a response that never came.

"I'm sorry, Reg. About everything, but especially coming here now and messing up your trip."

I took a breath. I wasn't about to say it was okay. But if I asked the question I really wanted to know, would it seem like I was agreeing that he'd messed it up?

"Why did you come anyway?" I tried to ask it gently, not accusatory. "I mean, you knew I'd be here. It was bound to be a little weird. Why did you want to spend your Christmas with us?"

"My mom was worried about me being alone for Christmas. Otto offered, and I don't know," he shrugged, "I guess it just seemed like the best option."

"Why didn't you go with your parents to Mexico?"

"They went to see my abuela," he said slowly, nervously. "And they didn't think I could handle it, if she—when she dies."

"Oh, Twist," I said, not realizing I was scooting towards him until I registered the sound of the water splashing. "The cancer's back?"

He nodded. "The doctors said she only has a few more days."

Without thinking, I reached over and cupped his hand with mine. But even as I realized what I was doing, I didn't care. This was bigger than us.

"I'm so sorry," I said softly, watching his eyes move down to our hands before flickering back up to meet mine.

I knew this wasn't about me, but I couldn't help but feel my heart flip as I held his hand. It had been too long and everything about it felt right.

Did he feel it too?

I dropped my hand, unable to stand it any longer. "I know you two were close," I said, looking away.

"My mom's taking it pretty hard. It kind of makes me feel like i can't be sad because i should be there for her. But we're not even going to be together for Christmas. And I'm probably never going to see my abuela again." He looked like he was just thinking aloud, but then he seemed to snap out of the heaviness. "I shouldn't be dumping all this on you."

"Twister, you know you can always talk to me about anything."

He frowned down at the water. "It hasn't felt like I could for awhile."

I was so lost in the moment of being there for him, I hadn't realized what a lie my words had been. He hadn't been able to talk to me. But I couldn't exactly feel bad about that since it had been his choice.

What was I doing now getting emotionally invested again? I loved him; I would always love him. But I couldn't be the person he talked to anymore. Just the past few days had already muddied the breakup line for me. I kept telling myself to stay firm in keeping my feelings locked up, but it was hard with Twister.

"I miss talking to you," he said quietly.

I looked up to meet his gaze and all those feelings came up hard and fast. And considering the fact that his eyes were moving down to my lips, I was pretty sure he was feeling them too.

This was a bad idea—a very, very bad idea. But I found myself leaning in anyway.

He's sad about his grandmother; he's emotionally vulnerable.

What happens when you kiss him and then he still doesn't want to be together? You'll be stuck with him the rest of the week, Christmas will be ruined, all the healing from the breakup will be undone.

But those lips. I just needed to feel them on mine again. The temptation was overpowering all sense of reason.

"Hey!"

We both quickly scrambled to get away from each other, leaving a good few feet between us.

Otto approached with a scowl, looking between the two of us. He definitely saw. But he wasn't saying anything. Why wasn't he saying anything? Otto never held back what he was thinking.

"Think that hot girl from the ski lift will show up?" he asked, even though we seemed to be the only family utilizing the community hot tub at the moment.

"Maybe," Twister said feebly, avoiding looking at me at all costs.

Why had I almost let myself kiss him?