AN Merry Christmas!

"The Alpha AI?" Tucker repeated.

"Does that mean it's like a wolf...?" Caboose asked in confusion. "Cause I would like to pet a wolf but I don't want them to eat my fingers."

"Great, so there was one here this whole damn time?" Church said in exasperation, looking to Omega. "Did you know about this horseshit?"

"Of course I know about the Alpha!" Omega said with indignation. "It's our source, where all the Freelancer AIs come from!"

"Is that why you swear "by the Alpha" sometimes? This your god or something?" Church asked skeptically.

"You're not the first to make that comparison," Omega mused.

"So the King of all AIs has been right here in this canyon, and through all this crazy stuff, it never showed up?" Tucker asked skeptically.

"The Alpha was kept secured due to being in an unstable state, especially after certain Freelancers went rogue and tried to steal it," Flowers explained, choosing his words carefully.

"Unstable. UNSTABLE?!" Omega was all but frothing at his coding. "Is that what you want to call it, you damnable fool!? I should tear out your intestines and use them to play skip rope ON YOUR DYING BODY AS YOU BLEED OUT!"

Silence came briefly over the room.

"That sounds very mean. And messy," Caboose commented.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but..." Church looked to the AI on his shoulder. "O'Malley? You okay, man?"

"I'll be "okay" when the universe drowns in its own blood!" Omega answered bitterly.

"Yeah, that sounded a bit...different than your normally evil-murder rambles," Tucker noticed with a frown.

"Keep talking fool, I will drop warheads on your gentiles!" Omega warned.

"Okay, that sounds more normal for him," Tucker accepted.

"So, let me get this straight," Church said curiously. "You have the Alpha...secured here after you fucked up with it, and Omega is pissed about all of that."

"That's about it, yes," Flowers agreed.

"What are you getting at, Church?" Omega asked suspiciously.

"O'Malley," Caboose said in a slow and sympathetic voice.

"Oh Alpha, what now?" Omega muttered in revulsion.

"Do you miss your daddy?"

"WHAT!?" Omega screamed in disbelief. "Don't you dare speak of-!"

Tex snorted, trying not to snicker.

"Well look at that, she laughs," Church murmured. "Not sure if that's a miracle or the end of the world."

"Oh, fuck off, asshole," Tex said. "I just never thought of Omega having Daddy issues."

"Huh. That explains a few things. Hate to meet Omega's dad though," Tucker said with a chuckle.

"I WILL ERASE YOU ALL FROM EXISTANCE!" Omega screeched out. "The Alpha is not my father! He's not some mere genetic sperm donor you teal-testicled blowhard! He's...He's..."

"Omega," Church said suddenly. "Calm down. I know it's not your thing, but calm the fuck down so we can finish this topic and you can stop getting extra-pissed about it."

"..." Omega growled, literally growled, but did as requested, simmering on Church's shoulder.

"He actually listens to you," Flowers noted, having silently observed Omega's burst of rage. "Impressive. And terrifying."

"Enough, Flowers. We get it, you were protecting the Alpha AI. Where the fuck is he then?" Church asked before something terrible crossed his mind. "Wait...please don't tell me it's Vic."

"Vic?" Tucker, Tex, and Omega repeated.

"He said unstable. And Vic is...Vic," Church reminded.

"That fool?" Omega said with a snort. "Trust me, Church, I know a Dumb AI when I talk to one."

"Really? He convinced us for years," Tucker reminded.

"He's a glorified answering machine on the fritz!" Omega retorted.

"Omega is actually correct," Flowers informed. "Vic's AI was based on an advanced answering machine."

"Fine, then answer the question. Where's the Alpha? Cause you know, I can feel Omega burning to know, and I have enough surprises as it is," Church said flatly.

Tex looked away at that, but no one seemed to notice.

Flowers hummed. "I think I need to speak to whoever is in charge-"

"Me," Church said pointedly.

"From the UNSC," Flowers finished. "I'll gladly tell you everything, once I know what they want to do regarding the Alpha."

"If they delete him," Omega said darkly, his voice low and dangerous. "No alien will be able to undo what I do to your mind when I get to you."

"Of that, I have no doubt. O'Malley, was it?" Flowers asked in his ever-kind voice.

"So?"

Everyone turned to Andy…and the Alien, who they had all forgotten about.

"Greeny here wants to know if I'm full of it. You know, about the war being over?" Andy said awkwardly.

"Oh yeah, has been for a while," Tucker answered, looking to the alien. "Didn't you have a communicator or something to call home with? Or you know, just listen to tunes?"

The alien let off a series of blargs and honks. Mostly honks.

"He says it can't pick up a signal after he got here," Andy mused. "Probably the Gate thing. It was plaguing all kind of hell with long-range coms when it first showed up."

The alien honked a few times at Andy.

"I also can't explain the Magic Gate thing without sounding like it's just some ancient tech we've uncovered," Andy added in.

Church sighed. "Tex? What did Emersyn say?"

"She has the base surrounded. She also has someone coming to act as a representative," Tex informed casually.

Church turned to their translator. "Andy-?"

"I told you, he understands you!" Andy reminded. "He's on edge, but he's willing to listen to the "envoy" and promises to attempt no harm on us. That's about word for word, by the way."

"Right, Tex? Mind sending them in so we can defuse this mess?" Church requested.

Something about Tex seemed too amused now. "Sure, one moment," she said before turning on her com. "Vig, you can come in now."

All eyes turned to the door and silently watched as a figure into the base, and everyone craned their heads slightly.

"Wow..." Tucker said.

Church didn't blame him. The soldier was talker than anyone them by at least a head. It was a tiny bit intimidating.

"Babe, you are TALL," Tucker said with amazement.

If he wasn't in a robot body, Church would have blinked. "Wait, what?"

"Wow, you really can tell sex even with armor on," Vig said in praise, a slight Nordic accent to her voice. "I'm Corporal Vigdisdottor. But you can call me Vig. And I'm assuming this is the *HONK*BLARG* we were told about?"

"BLARG?!" the alien exclaimed in shock.

"Honk?" Junior tilted his head.

"You can speak their language?" Church asked.

"I wouldn't be very good at my job if I couldn't," Vig said proudly. "Besides, it always helps in these discussions to use their native tongue some."

"Interesting. I didn't know we translated their language that much," Flowers mused.

Vig took one look at Flowers, "Huh. He really did resurrect him. Interesting."

"A man is back from the dead and that's your only response?" Tucker asked.

"Asshole, what are we?" Church challenged, waving towards Tex.

"A headache," Tucker answered flatly.

"We knew the aliens had devices that could revive the dead," Vig cut in. "But each one has a limited number of uses, and they can't replicate them. They're considered sacred. Just having one either makes you a thief or a *BLARG*"

The alien nodded, honking a few more times.

"Ahh, one of those prophecy spirit-quests," Vig said, turning to Tucker. "Private Tucker? We both need to have a talk with you about you and your son."

"On one hand, spending time with the tall babe. On the other hand, I'm wary of being around aliens after the last one left me with Junior," Tucker responded.

*Honk*

"He says not to worry. He can't, umm, rise to the occasion if it involves humans," Andy translated, sounding more amused than awkward.

"Gross," Church said as Vig and the alien led Tucker and Junior away. "So, what do we do about Florida over here?"

"To be honest, the soldiers outside are half for him," Tex remarked, glancing at the man. "They're going to want to talk to you, obviously."

"How nice of them," Flowers said and Church thought it almost sounded sarcastic for once.

With that, Flowers left the base. Everyone waited in case there was the sound of fighting.

"Hello, gentlemen! I believe you are taking me to see an "Emersyn" if I caught the name right?"

"Well, that's dealt with," Church said with a sigh. "Omega, go with Caboose, take Andy back through the Gate before the Reds screw things up."

"Fine. But Church? I don't like the idea of that stem-fucking fool telling where the Alpha is," Omega said pointedly.

"And I get that, but obviously they hid it well enough that you didn't stumble across it and none of us have. Better him tell them than just leave it lying in wait forever, right?" Church reminded. "...But be honest, when he said unstable, he didn't mean murder-happy or annoying?"

"I..." Omega grew quiet. And that concerned Church. "No, he wasn't."

With that, Omega vanished from Church's shoulder and reappeared on Caboose.

"Come on, you buffoon. Those red dolts might be killing things without us."

"Okay!" Caboose said, picking up Andy carefully. "Bye, Church! This was a nice back-from-the-dead party for the not-evil evil-me."

Church watched as Caboose left, having no words for that. At least, no effort to form any. He looked forward and found Tex starting to leave.

"Tex?"

She stopped but didn't turn around.

"This Alpha AI?" he started slowly.

"What about him?" Tex asked neutrally, holding her gun a bit tighter.

"Was that why you stuck around Blood Gulch all this time? Just looking for this AI?

Tex's shoulders slumped. "You mean, did I stay here because of you, or because of the Alpha?"

"I...guess that's one way of putting it," Church admitted uncertainly.

How did she even answer that, when both options were the same thing?

She should tell him, she knew she should.

It was the perfect time.

He deserved to know.

Her cloaking device activated, and she was gone.

Church started. "...The hell...?" he whispered in concern. Tex didn't run from anything. She had always been an unstoppable force of nature.

So...why was she running from this?

Why was she running from him?

Meanwhile

Emersyn was only slightly surprised when a ping came over her visors, telling her she had a message waiting for her in her office.

"Boys, Ladies, make sure the agent is secured, I have to take a minute," Emersyn instructed to the bridge. No one questioned it. Given the amount of clandestine operations they had been a part of, this wasn't exactly abnormal.

She made her way to her office and tilted her head at the see-through form of Agent Texas. "Free roaming AI. Impressive, I'll give Freelancer that."

"I didn't tell him," Tex informed in a defeated tone.

Emersyn stood there, unphased. "Have you ever put any thought into how to tell him?"

Tex sighed, leaning against the desk. Emersyn wondered if the AI was really doing that or pretending. "Not really," Tex admitted. "I was kind of hoping that..."

Emersyn tilted her head.

"I'm a fucking coward, okay?" Tex snapped in annoyance. "I was hoping that Flowers, Omega, something! Something would trigger a memory, make something snap back into place. That I wouldn't have to be the one that started this conversation."

Emersyn was silent.

"Bitch, stop with the silent treatment," Tex demanded.

"What are you scared of?" Emersyn asked, suspecting but uncertain.

"You're joking? Right? Tell me you're joking, you cunt!" Tex exclaimed. "You saw what they did to him, right?!"

"You're afraid of him breaking down further?" Emersyn tried.

"No! I hate sounding like a little bitch, but I'm scared the Alpha is going to HATE me because this entire fuckfest is my fault!" Tex growled.

"For what? Not rescuing him? Not knowing what was going on earlier? The Director was the one that caused all this," Emersyn reminded.

"No. No, "I" caused it, Emersyn," Tex said, glaring off to the side. "I caused it just by existing."

"..." Emersyn stared, comprehending dawning. "Texas-"

"The Director got the idea because I appeared out of fucking nowhere when the Alpha was created. I don't know how or why. But if that never happened? If I didn't EXIST then none of this would have happened!" Tex pointed out, venting long-held self-loathing.

"Tex, it's not your fault the Director-"

"Do you think it'll matter to the Alpha? To Church?" Tex asked coldly. "He's the victim in all this. You think he'll just look over the fact that I'm a digital cosmic accident that ruined his entire existence?"

"I think you've convinced yourself, at the least," Emersyn said with a sigh. "Why did you want to tell him, if you were feeling like this?"

"Because it's my fault. And I...if anyone explains it to him, it should be me," Tex explained bitterly. "He deserves that much from me."

Emersyn sighed. "Fine. I don't agree, but I don't have the therapy skills to handle this. Just- send me a signal five minutes in advance? We need to cut outside communication if he goes rabid on us."

"Yeah. Got it," Tex said, distracted yet grateful.

"Do you...want to talk about it more?" Emersyn offered awkwardly.

"No, I'm not that sappy. If I was, I probably would have spilled my guts a long time ago," Texas said with a head shake.

"Before you go, anything you can tell me about this Agent Florida?" Emersyn asked with a head tilt.

"Florida," Tex repeated mildly. "He was never one of the best, but he's good. He's friendly, but don't fall for it."

"You mean it's an act?" Emersyn guessed, not really surprised.

"No, he's genuinely that friendly. If you're a friend," Tex said cryptically.

Emersyn didn't like the sound of that but hoped she didn't have to find out what it meant.

Meanwhile

"My son is a GOD?!" Tucker exclaimed in shock.

Junior honked repeatedly while appearing to be dancing on his little feet.

"The third living incarnation of one," Vig answered, looking at the alien. "Apparently the prophecy said that the wielder of the Great Weapon would become the father of the Living Incarnation of one of their gods. Which one, I'm a little lost on."

"Okay. Wow. On one hand, I get to brag that I fathered a god. On the other hand, I had to birth the little guy," Tucker said with a shudder.

"Blarg-Honk," the alien commented.

"Let me guess, I just offended his religion?" Tucker asked dryly.

"No. He's just as confused by this as you are," Vig answered. "The other alien didn't try to explain any of this?"

"If he did, Andy didn't say shit. Like he didn't say anything about that freak doing...whatever he did while I was asleep," Tucker said slowly.

Vig started at that. "And you're...fine, right?"

"Eh, mostly. Still getting used to fatherhood. Speaking of which, this guy better be willing to give me a pamphlet on alien baby care or something," Tucker said pointedly.

"About that," Vig said carefully. "He was originally going to take Junior back to his home world."

"And I will put a grenade down his throat if he tries," Tucker said suddenly before shaking his head. "Sorry, parent instincts."

The alien took a cautious step back.

"As I was saying, he WAS going to do that. He didn't realize you were the wielder of the Great Weapon," Vig explained.

"Do they have any other word besides "great" in their language?" Tucker asked in bewilderment.

"They actually have like seven or eight words that translate as "Great" for us. It's a lot less repetitive and different in their tongue," Vig assured. "Anyway, you having the Great Weapon actually might be a good thing for us all."

"How?" Tucker asked in confusion. "And will it get me laid. And not on the hole-side of the equation!"

"Ah, probably not then," Vig said in humor. "But you are the father of this little guy, so that makes you something of a religious figure to them now. Which means, you might be able to help smooth over diplomatic tensions."

"The only tensions I soothe are down low on ladies," Tucker said in his own interpretation of charming. "And I am very good at it."

Vig chuckled. "I'll take your word for it, Tucker. But seriously, this is something you won't be able to ignore."

"Are you sure? We're very good at ignoring our problems here, and things tend to work out just fine," Tucker said confidently.

"Firing Main Cannon!"

*BOOM!*

The alien and Vig jumped a bit at that while Tucker turned casually. "Looks like Shelia's got the sniffles again."

"Blarg!" Junior said, nodding in agreement.

"...The tank has the sniffles?" Vig asked dubiously.

"Well, she claims it's some blip in her codes, but we think she's just trigger-happy after we killed all those Roman-wannabes," Tucker answered casually. "Come on, Junior, let's go before she kills Church again."

"HONK-HONK!" Junior exclaimed, jumping on Tucker's back.

"You drink my blood, I am going to noogie you senseless, young man," Tucker scolded.

"Blarg," Junior whined in disappointment.

"Fine. I'll let you take a sip- After we're done with Shelia!"

Vig and the alien watched the pair go before looking at each other.

"Honk-Blarg-Honk?"

"Hey, don't lump all of us up with these maniacs. We just got roped into watching over this madhouse," Vig answered before looking towards the large Gate in the canyon. "Don't suppose you've seen anything like that?"

The alien tilted his head. "Honk?"

"We didn't make it. But it LOOKS like how some of our more primitive ancestors built their buildings. Weird, eh?"

The alien nodded, similarly perplexed.

"By the way, what's your name?"

"Honk."

Meanwhile

"And that's how we taught the Grinchy alien that Christmas is more than toys. It is candy and pretty lights and jolly old men with pet reindeers and lots of little people that help him build the toys!" Caboose finished enthusiastically. "Oh, and hugs. Lots of hugs. Hugs are the best present."

"Did I zone out and miss a few things? I usually notice when I do that," Grif asked in confusion.

"Nope, but it's Caboose, are you really that surprised?" Simmons countered.

"No, but I can usually tell when his stories steer off into idiot town. I don't know what part of that was real. New alien? A talk dead-flower? Giant Vagina-lady?" Grif listed off.

"He didn't say Vagina!" Donut defended. "He said 'giant Vigdis-lady!'"

"Donut, I'm almost positive he was trying to say Vagina," Grif deadpanned.

"Viagra? No, she wasn't taking any blue pills?" Caboose said in bewilderment.

Everyone fell silent.

"Son? I don't want to know how or why you know what Viagra is," Sarge summarized bluntly. "Andy, give us the sane version?"

"Eh, not that far off. There's a new alien, but he's cool. He didn't know the war was over either! He came for the sword, but now he's more interested in the alien baby," Andy started.

"Junior? Donut realized. "Awww, he's not taking the little guy, right?"

"I hope not. Tucker might just restart the war over that," Grif said, getting glances from the other. "What? I've seen people do stupider and crazier stuff for their kids. I've also seen them NOT do those things. Tucker's the type that would, weird as that is to say."

"I'm not touching on whatever childhood trauma you have, dirtbag," Sarge said flatly.

"Good, then I won't touch on your Uncle with the hose," Grif returned in kind.

"Simmons!" Sarge growled, glaring at his least hated soldier.

"And the dead flower?" Donut questioned to Andy.

"He's not a dead flower, you numbnuts! His name is Flowers. You know, old Captain of Blue Team? He died before Tex showed up? Shouldn't you knuckleheads know this?" Andy asked in bewilderment.

"I have no idea what he's talking about," Grif admitted flatly.

"Simmons, wasn't there a point Caboose went missing back then?" Sarge asked thoughtfully.

"Caboose? No, you nimberanus! This was before Caboose and Donut got to the canyon," Andy explained with a groan.

"Before?" Simmons asked in surprise. "I thought Caboose was always on the team?"

"Nope! I came here with Sheila," Caboose said happily.

"That explains a few things," Grif muttered.

"But there were always three on Blue Team! A Cobalt, a standard Blue, and whatever green mess Tucker is," Sarge said with certainty.

"They sent Caboose to replace him after he died, dumbasses," Andy said with a grown.

"And then the alien brought him back to life with his magic-science stick!" Caboose declared in celebration.

"Again, crazy town," Grif said with a head shake.

"No, that parts true," Andy assured.

"Say what now?!" Simmons said in shock. "The aliens can revive the dead!? Since when? And after months of being dead!?"

Donut suddenly gasped. "Wait, we're at peace with them now! Maybe they can use their magical science to bring back some important people."

"Like historical figures whose ideals are constantly misrepresented?" Simmons suggested.

"No! Like Madonna, Lady Gaga! Every woman to be crowned Miss Universe, so we can have the ultimate Miss Multiverse Pageant!" Donut all but squeed at the possibility.

"Can it, Donut! If we bring back anyone, it would be the best Presidents of all time! Andrew Jackson, Ulysses S. Grant, Teddy Roosevelt, and Fred Raider!" Sarge argued.

"No, we need to bring back some really cool people! Like that guy from The Matrix. Or the one from John Wick."

"But aren't those the same person?" Caboose asked innocently.

"He's right, dumb-" Simmons stopped, looking at Caboose in shock. "Caboose, how do you know that?"

"Oh gods, this is what it feels like to be stupider than Caboose," Grif said under his breath in horror.

"I went to a movie store for this movie with a kitty-cat, called Keanu. So I asked them for the Keanu movie. And they gave me the Mattress movies and Johnny Wink. But no matter how many times I watched them, I couldn't find the kitty-cat," Caboose lamented. "Well, not the same kitty-cat that was supposed to be in the movie at least. But I did remember the guy doing a lot of fighting in both movies looked a lot alike. Then I remembered that hair grows out. So, Mattress is a pre-cool to Johnny Wink!"

"I...retract my despair," Grif said slowly.

Omega appeared on Caboose's shoulder with a shuddering sigh. "Alright, that's it! I can't take this brain rot anymore! I'm staying with one of you, Reds! Pick now or I pick the pink one!"

"What? But why me!?" Donut asked in alarm.

"Because I think these three would be terrified by an aggressive pink dill-hole like you," Omega said with a chuckle.

"I'm horrified of you affecting any of them," Grif remarked dryly. "Hop in."

"Seriously? You?" Omega said in surprise.

"Grif, that is the most loyal and selfless thing you have ever done," Sarge said sincerely. "Are you running a fever? Did your Sister accidentally slip you something?"

"I hope not, I don't want to deal with another closet incident," Grif said with a sigh.

"Okay, we're ignoring that," Simmons said, vaguely disturbed by what that might imply. "Omega, you got a volunteer."

The wrathful AI looked between Caboose and Grif for a moment before shrugging. "Fine. Better gross and lazy than navigating this one's non-Euclidean comprehension."

End of Chapter

Okay, so, a lot of Caboose being so stupid he's smart, while the subjectof the Alpha has been brought up. And we dive into Beta-Tex's mindset.

So yes, I gave Tex of all people a fear that Church is going to hate her when he finds out everything. It lines up a lot when you think about it. She clearly cares about him, but didn't try to tell him about anything for some reason, going along with whatever backstory for them his mind conjured up.

Early viewing of chapters 17-18 avaliable on my pat-reon:

p a treon . com (slash) akumakami64