11.16.1995 "PROMETHEUS" 1

""""""""""

XENA

""""""""""

I am Xena. The worst monster that has ever lived. But now I'm doing good. Now I can like my life.

I'm done everything horrible and committed every sin. I have ruined the world with my evils.

I've had a son and then gave him away. I may have killed him myself with the evils that I've spread. How is he doing? Is he still alive? Have I killed him? Right now I'm on my way to check on him.

But now I'm doing good. Now I'm fighting crime. Now I'm chasing after every criminal that I see. Now I'm taking detours so much, I may never reach my son at this pace!

I'm trying to fix up my life. I've lived a life in which I did everything terrible, but now I want to do better.

I'm something horrible, I cannot control myself. I even wished death on Gabrielle once before.

I know that if I live, that if I ever lose control, ever forget myself, I'll go back to doing horrible things again.

The reason I lived a life in which I destroyed everything, is my lack of self-control.

Self-control. There used to be a woman who tried to teach me that once before. But I failed her in every way.

But the memory of what she tried to teach me, still remains.

Right now I'm trying to do better. So I'm trying to become what SHE wanted me to become.

These days I think about her often. And I realize. That she had tried to save my soul back in those days.

So if I want to live a better life. Then I should try and make good of what *she* did.

Try and make her attempts to salvage me worthwhile, even if it is eleven years too late.

And so, I try and remember what she attempted to teach to me. Try and practice those disciplines that she practiced.

I try. I do my best. But it is difficult. I'm constantly distracted.

Gabrielle is the ultimate distraction. It's almost like she's doing everything in her power to make me fail on my mission of self-recover on purpose.

But it's alright. Who said the journey to reclaim my soul would be easy. If I want to hone myself. Then I should know to do this when it matters. For that, I need to master this when I have convenience.

The more challenged I get now during the relaxed hours. The more skilled I'll be when it matters. I enjoy a good challenge.

Gabrielle is useful in her mischievousness.

Dealing with her on daily basis does require the patience of a saint. I suspect I'm slowly attaining sainthood from this.

I'm traveling the world with Gabrielle. She is my life, she is my soul. I really wish I could make her happy.

And she is constantly talking. She talks like her life depends on it.

She always talks without stop. And she expects me to reprociate. She wants me to talk to her. She's hurt because I don't.

But I can't talk to her. Because I'm something horrible, because I'm a monster. I've spent my whole life being that. Ever since I was a teen. Or maybe even before that.

I've spent my whole life being a monster. So now I don't know how to be human.

All I know is how to bark orders, how to taunt, intimidate and manipulate. Only how to be horrible. I want to pretend I was something good. And when it comes so grand things. To easy, simple things like noblre sactifices. That's easy enough. I can figure out how to do that.

But talking... Talking is too difficult. I'd rather die as a heroic sacrifice. Anything is better than to talk. I wish I could. But I don't know how good people talk. I'm helpless.

I don't want to be horrible. But if I tried to be nice... that would be even more horrible.

Because I know how to be appealing. I know what people want, and know how to give it to them. I know how to manipulate people into doing things for me.

I'm a natural manipulator. Manipulate people is all I do.

I know how to get people to like me, how to get them on my side. So I could exploit them.

If I wanted to. I could be so *nice* to her. I could tell her everything she wants to hear. I could convince her of anything and everything. I could turn her into a slave of my every whim.

If I wanted to. I could be "something nice, something horrible" to her, so easily.

But I don't want to. Becoming that without my notice, is my biggest fear.

I don't want to lose control. I son't want to become something horrible again without realizing that I'm doing that. Anything but that.

I don't want to exploit her. She's so sincere. So well-meaning. I don't have to do anything. She a slave to my every whim, already, on all of her own.

I don't want to be horrible to her. I don't want to use her.

But I don't know how to be anything else. Being horrible is all I know.

So I stay quiet. That's the only way I know of how to be nice to her. The only way for me to be good. Is by removing myself.

And so she's hurt by it. Because she wants to chat but I'm quiet.

Because she wants me to reciprocate. Because she loves me. Because she wants me to love her back. But I can't do that. Anything but that. So I just stay quiet. I stay quiet for her sake. I hurt her for her sake because I love her. I'm sure that if she knew the whole context then she would be grateful.

I hurt her if I talk, I hurt her if I keep silent. There is no win. I'm in a dead end. What is this duality.

But she still chats at me. I keep quiet, but she keeps chatting.

She still loves me. I keep being horrible, but she keeps loving me. What does that take to make her stop?

I don't know how to be human. But she keeps teaching me, without realizing that she's doing it.

Thank you, Gabrielle. You are the best thing in my life. I don't deserve you.

I have wasted all my life. But now I won't. Now I'll do my best so I could deserve you.

I'll do my best for you.

You are my source.

My life before, I had no goal. But then I met you. And now I have a goal. I live for her. I live just to give something to her. I live just so I could bring her somewhere nice.

I wish I could give her something nice to remember me by.

I wish I could save her the same way as she has saved me.

We met. And now we travel.

I feel like I've grown so much in the past two months. Like all my life before, I was just a misbehaving child. But now, I am an adult. I don't do childish things anymore.

I don't to horrifying things without realizing, anymore. Now I'm in control.

I've grown so much. And so now I'm helping her grow, too.

I've noticed. Despite all her good intentions, she is kind of dumb. I can't let that stand.

So now I'm helping her smarten up a little. Sharing some of my tricks with her. Teaching her some common sense.

I want her to have a good life. We'll separate soon. So I want her to have a good life after I'm gone. And so I teach her.

I do my best to teach her how to live without me.

And so we travel the world.
I'm so proud of my growth. I was a child before, but I'm an adult now. I don't do horible things without realizing anymore, I don't do childish things anymore.
Gabrielle is a bit of a nut. I'm so much more sane than she.

We sleep. I hear an incoming attack. Four of them.

These losers' been following us since yesterday. Think they can hide from me. How do I teach them?

I know. I'll make a puppet of myself using a melon! Then they'll attack her thinking it's me! And then I'll come outta hiding and smack them around! That will teach them my mental superiority! AND that's gonna be so much fun! I remember doing things just like that with my mom when I was a kid! We had so much fun!

Good thing I have this convenient black wig right with me.

Gabrielle bought it. Said she wanted to try another haircolor. Wants to be like me and everything. The little creep. But now it'll serve a useful purpose! And I can use that wig when I have a bad hair day, too.

And so I hide in a nearby tree while it's still dark so they don't notice. I wait and wait and wait. They aren't coming. Why aren't they coming? Hurry up! The tree is horribly uncomfy. Maybe I shouldn't have done that?

I glance at Gabrielle with envy. She's having such a nice nap. I'm jealous. She has it good.

To self-console, I remind myself that she's a nutjob. I'm so much more sane than she!

Now. How long will I actually have to wait for them? It can't be that long, right? They couldn't possibly wait all night long!

Sunrise. Our ambush comes. They waited all night long. Finally! Took them long enough! I actually napped a bit myself while hanging from a tree. That was uncomfy. My neck is killing me. I think I'm getting old.

But this was worth it. I have no regrets. I'll have so much fun right now!

They nicely cut our melon for us, and then I emerge to play with the boys as thanks. We're having fun! Hooray!

Finally some action. Great morning exercise. I use it to train my thug-tossing skills. Throw them precisely in Gabrielle's direction as she sleeps, making a nice pattern around her. Who said I can't do arts?

We are making lots of noise but she keeps sleeping. This is miraculous on its own accord. She does well sleeping through it all! I guess each of us is talented in her own special way!

And so we're having fun with the boys but then they hurt themselves. Get a knife right in the throat! Shouldn't be playing with knives, boys! That's why I never let Gabrielle cut up our meals, I know she'll do this same exact thing to herself!

Good thing it's only a minor injury - just his windpipe cut in half, nothing serious. Hey look - an opportunity! I always wanted to try improving my technique on treating that!

Hey Gabrielle, wake up! We're having a melon for breakfast, and I wanna perform some minor surgery real quick right before that.

So much blood. The sight makes me hungry.

So I let Gabrielle bandage the wound (I taught her how just the day before!) (useful Gabrielle!) and make my way to our melon. First exercise, then sweet fruit for breakfast. I love sweets so much.

Then outta nowhere. Gabrielle calls me a good person.

Sure Gabrielle. Anything you say. Weirdo.

... You silly thing. I sure have fooled you.

I look up while eating my melon. Good weather. Looks like this'll be a good day.

""""""""""

GABRIELLE

""""""""""

I am Gabrielle, and I'm very happy.

I'm a storyteller, I'm a traveler, I'm an adventurer. But most of all, I'm a friend of Xena, the warrior princess, the best hero in the world. Together we travel the world, and do good of every kind.

... "Very happy"? Don't I usually say something else? Why did I say it different this time? Guess I'll figure it out later.

Just over a month ago, I was a village girl. I was just a child. But then I saw her, and realized my true potential. So now I'm living the sort of life that anyone should dream of living!

I was just a chld before. But now I've left my home. And with that, my adult life has started. I'm an adult now!

And now we live for the sake of goodness! For the sake of humanity! We save some people every day, we save a village every week, but recently! We did more than that! And we have saved the world! Together! I'm so happy! This "leaving home" thing really came to have some value! I never doubted!

And Xena let me help! Xena never lets me do anything. But this time, she let me help! I'm so happy about that!

Xena never lets me do anything. But she let me help this time, so she's moving in the right direction. She's gonna improve, and let me help her all the time, now!

She's started teaching me things now, too. She wouldn't before, but she does, now! I'm so happy. Soon, I'll reach her level, soon I'll become just like her! And soon, she'll recognize me as her equal!

She teaches me! I am Gabrielle, and I'm Xena's student! I'm so glad that the amount of things we are to each other is increasing. I wish we could be so much more!

I am Xena's follower! I am Xena's friend! I am Xena's cook! I am Xena's student! I am Xena's bandage girl! I am kinda Xena's everything, at this point! It's like

I've wrapped my whole life around Xena! Isn't that wild!

She is the ultimate human being, anyone should aspire to become just like her. She lives her life for the sake of others, she doesn't spend a moment without thinking about the good of the world!

She's so good, good to the point, where she doesn't even realize her own goodness. She's the best being that has ever lived, yet she thinks she's bad, she wants to be punished for her mistakes. She's so good, she carries the pain of the whole humanity on her overburdened shoulders! Her burdens are so heavy, I wish I could lighten them for her!

I don't want her sad, so I do my best to cheer her up. I'm so glad I got to know someone as good as Xena. Having met her, is the biggest treasure of my life.

I am happy that she lets me be her friend. We've been together for over a month, and I still barely know her. It's like she hides things from me!

But slowly, she's opening up! Slowly, I get to know her as a person. She barely says anything, but I keep working to make her talk. She barely tells a thing, she resists! But I will know her yet! I will make her talk! ! !

She resists me! But I will win! Because I am more stubborn! I will win! I'll outstubborn her! And she will open up! This WILL be my victory over Xena! I'll make her be my friend! I'll make her open up! Whether she wants to or not! ! !

Because it isn't good to be as closed-off as she. She should open up! She should cheer up and be happier! I'll make her happy whether she wants to or not! ! !

It's true that I may be somewhat useless. But I'll be useful in this! I'll make her happy! That's why I travel with her, I'm sure! I'm here for her sake! I maybe be somewhat a burden! But I'm somewhat a burden with a good cause! I'm doing this for her! For her own good! For her benefit!

This life of hardship is very hard! But I'm enduring it for her! I'm being very helpful! I may be somewhat a burden! But it's alright! Because I'm helping! This is not for me. This is for her!

Soon she'll open up, soon I'll make her happy. Soon! Hurry up Xena, and become happy soon, before I meet somebody else and dump you for him! Hurry up! Hurry up and open up! And make it so we become real friends! Make it so our time together isn't wasted! Make it so my efforts aren't futile!

Open up! And tell me evrything about yourself! I can't wait to learn more!

Because right now! Over a month together! And I stilll barely know anything!

Xena isn't very generous when it comes to sharing about her past before me. Actually, she's stingy beyond all merit! She tells me nothing! But I'm so curious!

But it's alright. Because I can get what I want whether she wants to or not. I can learn more about her even if she isn't telling me.

Because these days, I'm a traveler. I travel the world with her, she leaves me in taverns sometimes. And in those taverns, I tell stories about her to everybody who will listen. But not just that! And also - wise-versa.

I also listen to the stories that others would tell me. In the past month, I have come to learn quite a bit about the world! I can't believe how uneducated I was before. I barely knew anything at all! Apparently, my village was the most boring village in existense. No rumors of any kind had ever reached it!

A village right in the middle of nowhere! Xena did well finding me there!

But now I travel the world and I hear rumors. And people tell me what happens. And I learn about her.

Now I know that Xena used to lead an army. People tell nasty things about her, but I don't believe them. It's all just a rumor. I exaggerate my stories about her to Tartarus and back myself, so I won't be fooled by false rumors!

Xena used to have an army. And that army used to sometimes attack a village or two. I'm sure it wasn't Xena's fault! It was all the bad company she's been having. Other people influencing her in bad ways! Making her do things that aren't her fault! Making her look bad despite her good insides!

And now she's past all that. Now she's a self-reliant woman that needs no assistance! Well, except mine.

And the reason she changed her ways, was because she fell in love!

With Hercules! The famous do-gooder!

She used to hang out with the wrong crowd before. But then she met him, she fell in love, and she left her bad company. He influenced her into goodness! He was her good company, now! A story of true love that changes people! The ultimate romance!

I wish I had that, too!

I wonder why they separated. Two incredible heroes as a power couple. Together, they would be unstoppable! Yet they split. I really wanna know the reason. I wanna learn all the juicy gossip about Xena! I wanna know her truest self.

Also I wanna know what Xena likes in a partner. I'm sure that'll be useful. I came real close to meeting her past love once before. Marcus. Her ex from her home village. I saw him in his coffin. He died just before I could meet him. Bummer. I wanted to trade notes.

So now her only ex I know is Hercules.
I wonder what Hercules is like. What is it in a man that Xena likes to see? I wanna know her tastes. Anything at all! Like, does she like them tall? Or would a shortie do, too?

I'm curious for her sake. I wanna help! This is not for me, this is for her!

Because so far we've been traveling together for over a month. And she hasn't had a date, not even once! A woman this beautiful! Can't get a date! This is incredibly unjust! She shouldn't be lonely! I wish she had someone! Anyone! I wish she would make a step towards true romance!

How can she live without love?! How can she ever say no to love's goodness? ! ! ! Oh Xena, please don't do it! Don't resist! Please just stop resisting love!

When I first saw her, I thought she was promiscuous. But now I see she lives a life of such chastity, that I sometimes have to wonder. Is she somehow a virgin, too? Is that why she's so shy around men? A month together, and I haven't once seen her with a man!

All the guys that ask her out, are always gross and have bad teeth. So she always tells them no. I'm sure she's just looking for her perfect man, and so far, nobody met her criterias. I wonder what her criterias are? I'd like to find out!

Over a month without a date! How does she endure it? Why does she refuse everybody? Doesn't she want love? She should give people a chance! How does she live without love! ! !

Because me. I can't live without love! I suffocate without it!

I didn't know I was like this when I was still at home. But after meting Xena, I've come to this realization about myself. An incredible discovery.

I'm an incredibly passionate person! I think lewd thoughts all the time! And half the time, they don't make sense! I'm thinking things that a good girl shouldn't think!

I want love so bad! And yet! All my life! Whole sixteen years! I haven't had a date, not even once! I'm getting desperate! ! ! I sometime feel like throwing myself at random people! I sometimes feel like throwing myself at Xena! I want love so much, that I sometimes feel like I'm losing my grip of reality! I sometimes feel like my very sanity is in danger! ! !

I wonder what is it that made me turn this way. I probably wasn't like this a month before. I actually avoided relationships! I didn't wanna get myself tied up to anybody! I wanted freedom!

But now, I met Xena, we travel the world, we have adventures, we do good, we see people. And I'm getting crazy from unresolved passions! Now I'm feeling passionate allt he time! ! !

And I probably left my home in order to avoid marriage! But now I often catch myself thinking that I wish to get married to anyone and everyone! Now I really want to get married to anybody! Somebody, anybody, just marry me please! Please marry me before I burst!

What turned me this way. It's gotta be the lifestyle, I'm sure. We travel the world, we exercise our bodies, we have battles every day! Well, she does and I watch. And watching her do battles is giving me such incredible sensations, I sometimes catch myself enjoying this too much! I'm turning into a lewd woman when I'm with Xena!

So maybe it's the lifestyle that's changed me. We live an incredibly physical, passionate lifestyle. Our bodies are always working to their fullest capacity. Maybe that inspires passions of different kind, too? That must be it.

I'm terrified to imagine how passionate I'll become when I start fighting, myself! I suspect that I may become a wild, uncontrollable woman. I suspect that I may start actually jumping people when that happens. I suspect I may become an actual menace to society when that happens. ... I can't wait.

I've grown so much in these past two months. I've been travelng with the greatest hero of all times, and I've learned a few tricks from her. Her greatness has rubbed off on me. Now I have a few tricks of my own, too. Now I am someone great, too.

Now I have developed a superpower of my own, too. Now I can perform miracles, too. Now I can do magic.

My new magic trick. My new superpower. I call it "The Eye Of Selection". It's very useful! I use it for selection. I use it to further develop my growth. I use it to help me find my truest path.

And so we travel the world. We got no jobs, we have no money. We are kinda vagabond, but in a good way! Instead of real money, we get pennies, and we mostly trade. Xena hunts for prey and we gather herbs, then sell that. The amount's little, we barely scrape by.

We got so little money, we can't afford a thing, that we sleep outside even when we're right next to a busy town. We can't even afford an inn. But we are proud, because our sacrifice is for good deeds!

And so we go to sleep in the wilds, right next to town. We sleep well, I see incredible dreams! My dreams are always incredible, because Xena is always in them. I see dreams of Xena fighting, of Xena walking, of Xena dancing, of Xena talking, of Xena breathing. I love my dreams so much, they are the most beautiful dreams of all!

And I'm there, with her! Doing everything together! Doing... all sorts of stuff together! Sometimes, even indecent stuff, too!

Sometimes... the sorta stuff... that leaves me endlessly confused and aroused at the same time. And I love every bit!

Incredibly indecent dreams! Dreams in which me and Xena are wandering into caves together, naked! Me and Xena swimming underwater together, naked!

Falling into chasms together, naked! Falling into giant holes in the ground together, naked! Falling into well shafts together, naked! Falling into the throats of volcanoes together, naked!

Sometimes - even riding *horses* together, naked! With Xena! Can you imagine that?

Sometimes two different horses! But sometimes just one horse together! Squeal!

Isn't that just amazing? Me and Xena are just having all sorts of naked adventures together in my dreams. Incredible, isn't it? I can't get enough.

I can't wait until I finally get a boyfriend. I want love so much. Over a month as an adult, and I still haven't found my love yet. When does my love story start? Maybe I'm searching for it wrong?

So I see Xena when I'm awake, and I see her when I sleep. Isn't that amazing? I'm living the best of all possible lives!

I wish we could just walk around naked like this all day long in real life, too. Why can't we just do that?

I wonder what do all these naked dreams even mean. It's like my subconciousness is trying to tell me something, but I can't figure it out. I must think harder!

I see my naked dreams. And then I wake up. I was having the best horse ride with her in my dreams. Xena wakes me up. I love waking up to her so much. I wish she would wake me up naked sometimes. There are thugs lying all over. Looks like Xena's been having fun without me again! Aw she should have woken me sooner, I would have helped somehow. Or at least observed. I love observing her kick butt so much. I feel like I'm on the top of glory when I watch her have fun. I wish we could have fun together somehow.

Says they're bounty hunters. Lucky Xena - she has countless bounties on her head. So many people want Xena. It's good to be wanted. I wish somebody would put at least one bounty on my head, too. Even a small one. I would be so proud!

Some guy got his windpipe severed. Ew that's nasty! I hate blood! And Xena has some knife play with him. Gets blood everywhere. Hey didn't he get his throat cut already? Why is she cutting it further? Sometimes Xena works in mysterious ways.

Ew so much blood. Makes me wanna puke. I won't be able to eat for half a day after this!

This life on the road thing can be so hard sometimes. Just a month ago, I wouldn't ever think about skipping breakfast. But these days I'm seeing so much blood every day, I think I'm starting to lose weight. Good thing the inspirational sights and the daily exercise work quick to restore my apetite, every time.

I take a deep breath. The air's so fresh and tasty, I think I'm getting hungry again.

And then Xena tells me to bandage that ugly, disgusting wound. Ew that's nasty!

So much blood. I think I'm going to throw up. But then I remember that melon we've saved for breakfast, my apetite comes back, I swallow the bile and get hungry, instead.

I'm disgusted. But Xena's done well treating that horrible wound. She must have been disgusted, too, but she overcame it because she's strong.

I wanna do what Xena does. So I'll overcome myself, too.

Treating wounds. Just a couple days ago, I didn't know how to do that.

The horrible, evil DESTINY that destroyed a good, prosperous village. The evil of the titans, the most horrible creatures in the universe. They committed a sin against humanity, the worst evil act in existense - they destroyed a village!

There were so many wounded, and they all came to the sanctuary, seeking help. I wanted to help so much, but I couldn't do anything. I didn't even know how "bandaging"'s done.

But since then, in those couple days, a miracle has occured. Xena has descended to my level! Xena's approached me! And Xena's asked me if there's anything I wanna know. At first I lost myself in the search of an answer. Why does shy ask that? She isn't supposed to! She's supposed to hide things from me, not ask me what I wanna know! But since then, when I ask her to teach me a thing, she does. Xena's started teaching me things! And not just that. But now she herself approaches me and asks me questions, points things to me, explains the ways of things. Xena has become my teacher! We aren't just traveling companions anymore! Aren't just best friends! We are also a student and a teacher. I am Gabrielle, and I am Xena's student.

I love this so much! I love it that the amount of things we are to each other is increasing. I wish we were so much more.

So now I can think of myself with pride. I am growing! I'm becoming more! My pathetic past is being left behind! I am the new me now! The me that can at least treat wounds!

And so I won't be disgusted by the nasty wound! I'll be proud! Xena doesn't have weaknesses, and neither will I! These nasty thugs have come to bring harm to Xena! But she's treating their wounds kindly! So I'll be treating them with pride!

These nasty thugs have come to bring harm to Xena. But she herself is fighting for their life. Her goodness is so strong, she's saving the same people that would kill her, given chance. They come at her with evil, she repays them with good. What is this if not the ultimate forgiveness, the ultimate generousity? Nobody is kinder than herself.

I wish to be as good as she. I wish to have the strength to save our neighbour, to save the good ones, to change the bad. I wish I could do all that, too!

So now I won't be disgusted. I'll be too strong for that! And if I still feel disgusted. I'll think of the reward. I'll think of Xena's smile.

And so I treat the wound. She's taught me the how-to. I'm not very good at it - I keep making clumsy mistakes all the time, I get the blood all over me. But it's fine. Xena doesn't mind getting bloodied for the sake of others. So I won't mind it, too! ! !

I'll just wipe my bloody hands against my skirt. It's red already, so nobody can see. I will not mind being covered in blood for Xena. Because Xena's bloodied herself.

Xena is experienced, Xena is covered in dirty spots. And so I want to be like her. And so I want to become dirty too. I hate my spotless purity, I wish I was her match. So I'll take this dirt with pride. I will get covered in blood for Xena. I will lose my purity for her, I will lose it for the world.

And so I treat the wound. It's disgusting and I feel like throwing up. But then I think of Xena. She's standing there and eating our melon. It looks so tasty. So I swallow up the bile and get hungry instead.

Hey, save some for me.