Xena and Gabrielle's thought diary

by ChampionVikki

Xena and Gabrielle's thoughts on things as they go through their dramatic life together. Plus headcanons of every kind.

36. Prometheus 4

11.16.1995 "PROMETHEUS" 4

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XENA

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And so I hurry to retrieve Gabrielle. Our last day together! Can't waste a moment, can't afford to get distracted!

But this is an awful long day, isn't it? What's up?

She's flirting with Iolaus. Juices flow. Another ex. Two months without any. So he's also here.

I'm just running into my exes today. From one, directly to another. Next Marcus will raise from the grave! Next Lao Ma will come to visit!

So, another candidate for the cursed strike. Everybody is a hero! But the honor should be mine. I'm not sharing!

I grab the magic sword tighter. I heard he's a master of theft.

He plans to do something. But I intimidate him away. Shoo, Iolaus!

Remember how I hurt you? Stay away if you don't want more! Grr!

We quickly get away. A tactical retreat. This is pointless - I can't hide from them, and we're all going to the same place, anyway. But I need a bit of time to think this through.

We're all going to the same place. I can't knock them out and tie them up, because Hercules will break every chain. I would need special chains for him, but we don't have time to find them. I will have to deal with them. I may have to team-up with them. May as well use Hercules as a pawn against Hera, since he's here anyway.

But a team-up... that's terrifying. I need to think this through.

... How do I juggle my two exes and Gabrielle at the same time? I was never all that good at human interaction. And now I'm feinting goodness. How do "good people" handle being surrounded by several exes? Just how?!

How the heck do I handle this? We can't just have a foursome! My mind is spinning at the possibilities.

The world is at stake, so now is a bad time for an orgy. And we are on a time limit, too, so we'd have to rush it too much for it to be good. Nah, we couldn't do it under the circumstances, after all. Rats. I never get any these days.

And anyway, two exes are chasing us right now this instant. I shudder. This is foreboring. How do I juggle them?!

Gabrielle is eager for information, and in my distracted state I tell it all. Oh great, now she also knows I'll be surrounded by exes. I just made this more difficult.

She wants a girl talk. This is terrifying. Asks about Hercules. Oh that reminds me. Humanity's at stake! Better think about that than this! I can't figure relationships out! Let's save the world instead!

And then, luckily, some thugs interrupt us, before I put my foot in the mouth even deeper. A useful distraction from girl-talks! Let's battle to the death instead!

These are Hephaestus's thugs. They want his sword back! Stay back, Gabrielle! And don't talk! I can't survive a girl talk on top of everything else! Have pity!

I happily lunge into the battle! And then I remember. I'm feinting goodness these days. Let alone "kill them all", I should try and avoid even wounding them. No more healing! They'll die from a scratch! So I have a handicap! Increased difficulty! Have to focus on this more! Great! I wanted a distracton! Thanks, Fates! I avoid complicated relationships thanks to this deadly peril! Just what I needed! Now gimme more!

So I knock them around happily. But then they stand back up. Apparently that wasn't enough for them. But if I hit harder, I'll break bones! Why do they stand up, anyway? Is Hephaestus enhancing them? He's willing to sacrifice his pawns to retrieve his sword? While humanity dies for this? All gods are trash after all!

Oh well. Guess I'll be breaking bones after all. This isn't for myself - this is for humanity! Sorry boys! It'll hurt me more than it'll hurt you!

But if Hephaestus sent thse, then he could send more! This will never end!

Maybe if I just break that chain fast enough, there'll be less victims? But I wanted to linger! My last day with Gabrielle! But Hercules, Iolaus, Hera, Hephaestus and these losers all interfere! Guess I'll have to rush? Sorry Gabrielle, our last day together will be cut short!

And as I'm about to go and happily break some bones. A terrifying thing happens. Hercules and Iolaus both emerge. Oh no.

Juices spurt.

Now I have one ex on the right, one ex on the left, and Gabrielle in the back. Danger in every direction. So I take the only safe way out. The front. Towards the murderous thugs! They are so much easier! Raaargh!

We fight a little. I get to break a few bones. But this is too easy and ends too quick. No juices, no satisfaction. My heart is not in it. I'm distracted. The looming relationships issue is inevitably getting closer. I can't stall.

And Iolaus gets wounded, too. The klutz. The time limit just geeps getting tighter. Sorry, Gabrielle - even less time left! I knew it, we just shouldn't have met, after all! Would be so much easier!

Sadly. We run out of thugs too quickly. Now just the relationships remain. Oh heck, what do I do now? Maybe just hightail it outta here? What if they chase? Gabrielle is a chaser, she'll help these losers catch me!

I consider my options. Is it "hightail? Or is it "foursome"? Juices spurt. Maybe I should choose the foursome? And surrounded by so many others, distracted by weird thoughts, I don't notice some thug makes his way behind me. Steals my sword from me! Oh no. I don't like where this is going.

And then Hercules protects me with his gauntlet. Why'd he have to do that! I had it under control!

The thug turns to ashes for it. Right in front of Gabrielle. And now she'd seen that. Good thing she's dumb - she won't figure it out.

But then Iolaus helpfully spells it all out for her. "This is a suicide mission, Gabrielle!" And now she knows.

Why'd he have to do that! I wanted that a secret! This is our last day together! I wanted her to be happily innocent! And now she'll be worried instead! Now he spoiled our final moments together even further! Everything just goes against my wishes! Grr!

This is why I hate working in teams! This is why I decided against working with other people! Everything just goes against my plans! I'd be so much better off by myself!

And then Hercules grabs the magic sword, too! I got distracted! Grr everything against my wishes! Everything! Now it'll have to be a team! Grrargh!

Then Gabrielle proposes we work together, and Hercules agrees. Thanks Gabrielle! Now I'll get the sword back, later. I'll just have to play dirty. Nothing new.

But now the business talk is over. I'm in the room with two exes and Gabrielle. Oh no.

I hightail it outta here. Before Gabrielle or anybody asks any inconvenient questions. I'll be elsewhere when that happens!

Cutting short my last day with Gabrielle. And now they get to exchange notes behind my back. Grr loss-loss at every turn! I feel like pulling my hair out and chewing my nails!

Argh, but we're going to the same place, anyway. Maybe if I just hasten my pace, we won't be talking? At least not all of us. The slowpoke Gabrielle and the wounded Iolaus get left behind. But Hercules and his damn long legs keep up the pace with me. Oh well, I wanted to rob him anyway.

He talks. He's heard about me. Oh no, now I'm getting a reputation. Word spreads fast! Somebody spreading rumors about me? I wanna kick their ass!

Great, now there are more and more people whom I tricked into humanizing me.

First mugging attempt, failure. Oh well, the road's long. I'll just take it by force if it comes to that. I wanted a proper rematch anyway. The tidbit before wasn't anywhere near enough for me. I want more!

Maybe if I try persuasion? Maybe he'll see things my way and agree that I should be dead?

Hey Hercules, it should be me, not you, right? Get it?

Aw, he doesn't listen. I was never good at talking skills. Guess I'll be getting my rematch, after all. Some fun. Can't wait.

And then he talks about heart. He doesn't want me dead.

He... loves me. So he wants to die for me.

He's my saviour. He's saved my soul. And now he wants to die for me, because he loves me.

But he doesn't understand. I'm a monster, I should be paying for my crimes, good people shouldn't be dying for me! That's nonsense!

You are the hope of humanity, Hercules! And I'm humanity's bane! Nobody should be dying for me! Least of all, you! Think of humanity! Humanity, damn it!

And I... love him, too. I also want him to live. If one has to die, it should be me! It's pure logic! He's better! Why can't he understand!

He wants the same thing I do. We can't both have our way.

It's true. We really are two halves of one whole.

But I love him, and he is better. So I can't let my better half die. Least of all, for me.

Isn't that odd. I'm the most horrible monster that has ever lived. I have no right to live after everything I did. And yet... So many people love me. So many people want me to live.

Why. I don't deserve any of this. The world is so unfair.

Instead of giving me the swift punishment that I deserve.

I get slowly tortured by love, instead.

Gabrielle loves me, and she would die for me.

Hercules loves me, and he would die for me.

And I just love him and Gabrielle and Lao Ma. At least among the living. The list of the dead would go on forever. I had a wild life.

Good thing at least Lao Ma isn't here. I wouldn't survive having four love interests around me. Just three is hard enough.

So we go to our destination. He still has the sword.

So we'll have to fight for it. A fight, hm. But I wanted a quickie.

What a terrible day. Nothing goes as I want.

And look. Still no nightfall. Something's definitely up.

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GABRIELLE

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And we go to our destination. Three heroes and me.

Two of Xena's exes and me.

Both of them either love or have loved her. And I love her, too, but unrequired.

Hey. I kind of stand out.

Right now, Xena is surrounded by love. Everywhere she looks, there are people that love her. She must be so happy right now.

I'm so jealous. I wish I had her life. I want to have what she has. I also want to have countless lovers. I also wish to be surrounded by love.

I wish Xena would teach me love.

I want all this so much, I can't stand it. I think I'm going to burst from my desires.

Lucky Xena. She just has everything. She should share.

Oh. This reminds me. What is Xena looking for in a man? I look at Hercules and Iolaus. She's been with them both. Hercules is tall, serious and silent. Iolaus is short, fun and talkative. Marcus was Black and dead.

Hey. There's nothing alike between them. It's like they're opposites. Yet Xena's been with both. How can I tell what Xena looks for in a man? I don't see an answer. Is there something I'm not seeing?

Why would she go for them both? What is their shared trait? What are her preferenses?

It's almost like she was an indiscriminating omnivore, but it can't be that! Guess I'm missing something. Oh well. I guess I'll figure it out later.

Xena and Hercules go on ahead of us. They're fast! The obviously want a moment together. Lucky them.

So me and Iolaus are being left dragging behind, like baggage. I look at him. Hm.

Since Xena and Hercules are so obviously a match made in heaven. That means Iolaus is up to grabs, isn't it? Xena'll be too stingy if she wants them both!

Since they are so obviously made for each other. That means Iolaus has gotta feel left out, too, right?

That gives me an idea. I believe in love. I believe in matches made in heaven. I believe in two people sharing the same soul.

I believe in destiny. Everything that happens, happens for a reason. That the four of us have been brought together like this, can only mean one thing.

The four of us were meant to find each other. That much is obvious. But there's more.

If I believe in destiny, then perhaps I should also believe... in symmetry?

If Xena and Hercules have each other. That means... me and Iolaus should have each other! Won't that be neat?

Hm, me and Iolaus. Two short cheerful blonds that love Xena.

I ponder, and I think I sorta like it. Fine, let's go with it.

That's it! That's my destiny! That's the reason I was born! I was born... just to meet Iolaus! That's gotta be it! I have figured this out! I'm so smart, to figure out my destiny as quick as that! I'm insightful! Maybe I really have the gift of prophecy? I always knew I had it! I never doubted for a moment!

Now. I have figured this out. Time to act! I have to fall in love with him.

Iolaus, hm. He didn't make the best first impression on me, but the longer I look at him, the more he grows on me. He is kinda handsome, isn't he? Now that I take a better look, he isn't as old as I originally thought.

Those are noble wrinkles! They do him good. Maybe I could even fall in love with a grandpa if I prepped myself for it.

I think I can do it! I prep myself for it! I love wrinkles, I love wrinkles, I love wrinkles!

This is it! I am in love with him! He is my destinied partner! My predetermined lover! My lost half to join with which I was born!

I can do it! I'm in love!

Done. What next? First we save the world, I guess. And then we marry!

The future is decided! Time to work to reach it!

Hi Iolaus. I make a flirty smile at him. He blinks, not understanding. Aw, so sweet and innocent. He doesn't know he's gonna marry me yet!

Why isn't he proposing? Oh. I know! We should bond a little first! I decided I won't be easy anymore. That means first we chat, then we marry.

Let's bond!

Other than Xena, what do we have in common? ... I know! It's the adventures! It's the saving the world every week! I do that, too! I sorta-kinda saved the world a couple days ago, too!

Hey Iolaus, let's talk about our heroic adventures! I've been doing heroics for a whole month now! I've got stories to tell!

And so I tell him stories about my heroic deeds. About how much I'm helping Xena, how much of equals me and her are. I make a great impression on him.

He's so naive and innocent. Listens to my every word, believes my every lie. He's actually easy!

He's a great talker - lets me talk without interrupting. I love that. He is so nice. I can just feel me falling in love with him more and more!

I said he was too old before. I take that back! He's young enough! I'm in love with him! Let's marry!

And so we walk there, chatting happily. I'm making a great impression of myself at him! Describe him how much incredible danger we're facing every day, with courage!

And then he speaks. He mentions fear. Says Xena and Hercules are afraid too but they just hide it.

Fear, hm. A foreign word to me. I've never felt that. Was I supposed to? That can't be.

Because if there's anything that I'm supposed to experience and I don't. That would means there's a bit in me that other people have and I am missing. I don't like that, so I won't engage with this!

Let's talk about our marriage instead!

And just as I'm about to propose, Xena and Hercules slow their pace and join us. Lucky them! Are they gonna marry, too? Let's all get married together!

They talk about our goal. Oh, there was the world at stake, I forgot. Oh well, fine I guess. Let's save the world first, and THEN all get married!

I'm happy to anticipate this!

And so we keep going to our goal. Me, Xena and Hercules. A joined adventure with famous people!

I heard so much about Hercules. And now I'll see his heroic feat in action.

I love seeing Xena's, too, but it's good to have variety.

And hey. I thought she's fighting for the whole humanity alone. But she's not alone. Hercules and Iolaus are also there. They're helping her. She is not alone! I thought I live just so she isn't alone. But now, she has people.

... It's like she doesn't need me anymore.

And so we make it to the divine mountain. A cave. I love caves so much! I feel incredible sensations whenever I'm entering a cave. I am a little weird.

Hercules mentions his father. Zeus! The king of the gods! I forgot Hercules has connections up there!

Zeus must be great! I bet he's kind and grandfatherly! I wish I'd met him! I *have* decided that I would marry even a grandpa, recently! I wonder if Zeus is looking for a date?

Oh. But then I remember. He's married. And his wife... is Hera.

The one responsible for this.

Hey. His wife is about to destroy humanity. And he does nothing about it. Why doesn't he control his wife?

My father would never allow my mother to do wilful things like "destroy humanity". Or anything much, really. She's completely dominated by him.

And Zeus with Hera. Why doesn't he do anything? Is he completely under her heel? Is that it? Does he have no manly pride?

I don't get it. First Morpheus wants virgin sacrifices. Then Ares kills innocent peasants to woo a woman. And now Hera dooms humanity for fun. And Zeus looks the other way.

So far, all the gods that I've encountered, have been kinda awful.

Why does Zeus do nothing at all about all this? What is he even doing? Isn't he the king of the gods? The one in charge? The one who is represented by all his subjects?

Why does he allow such injustices to exist? He's all-powerful, maybe even more than Xena!

Right now, his son and two mortals are going towards certain death, in order to save humanity.

I am so little, I am nothing. And yet I would do everything to save Xena.

There are people who have nothing, yet risk their everything just to help another.

But Zeus. Couldn't he just make everything alright if he just did a little?

How can one so powerful do nothing?

Zeus is the most powerful being in the world. And yet he does nothing.

He is so... pathetic. Repulsive, actually. He's a bad ruler. Everybody should disrespect him! I wish we could overthrow him!

... But he IS the king of the gods, I guess. No way to win that battle.

... Xena versus Zeus. I wonder who would win?

After some consideration. My bet's on Xena! She can do it all. Go Xena!

I think I've decided on my next dream. I want Xena to defeat Zeus! I know she can.

I ask Hercules about his father, but he doesn't talk much. He's just like Xena! They really are a match in so many ways. I kinda hate it.

Xena and him have spent this journey walking way ahead of us. Leaving us behind. Like their burden, like their baggage. Me and... ... ...Iolaus!

I guess it is the fate of sidekicks. To walk behind their hero, to only see their back.

I look at Iolaus. He said he's always with his hero. But look, he's being dragged lumpily behind, just like me.

We're so much alike. Two losers. Maybe he only portrays himself as doing good, but is actually as pathetic as me? Maybe just like I exagerrate my role in my tales, he's also lying to Tartarus and back, too? "We always fight together", yeah right. I can see right through him.

He's so old, he's been doing this for much longer than me, I should ask him for tips.

So I start a conversation. By praising him. Hey Iolaus, it's so good that we pathetic people stick together!

He's actually *looking* pathetic, too! Doesn't even portray good! I'm actually doing better than him!

Is he tired? He looks tired. Just because we've been walking a while? I don't get tired from walking! I can walk for days! I can walk my whole life! And *he*, he looks like he's gonna keel over any moment. Must be his advanced age getting to him.

... Maybe I can't do it wth a grandpa, after all?

He's looking a bit sick, actually. Turning green. Maybe he should rest a bit? Humanity can wait a little.

He's been clutching to his side as if hiding something. A hidden surprise? So I do the most natural thing, and remove his clothes. He may be old, but he's still somewhat handsome. He has a nice body. I think I could still marry him if I prepped myself suffeciently for it.

Oh, he's been wounded, actually. EEEW! I don't like them wounded! That's a turn-off. I think I won't marry him, after all.

But also, just a scratch. Good! I've learned how to treat wounds, just recently! Time for me to show my great value!

And then I remember. No more healing. No more medicine.

Oooooh. So this is why we're going to that mountain. Now it all makes sense! We actually are saving humanity!

I should just go ask Xena for help. She always knows what to do.

But Iolaus stops me. He reminds me. That the only way to stop this. Is to strike that chain.

The only way to stop this... is for one to die.

Why didn't she tell me.

That's why we're going there. We're going... towards death.

Troubled thoughts arise but I push them away.

Why didn't she tell me.

I'm sure it can't end that way. There will be a better way! There's always hope! There's always a bright future ahead of us! We just have to stay hopeful, we just have to work for it, we just have to keep walking!

And then I look at Iolaus. He looks like he's gonna faint. It looks like he... can't keep walking.

Oh well. What can one expect. He's just a sidekick, like me. He should just stay behind. I always do when I'm a burden. That's what sidekicks do! His turn, now. We can save the world without him!

But he won't stay and rest. He refuses. He wants to keep walking with us even if he's no help at all. He's just being unreasonable. All he can do is drag us down.

He's just like me.

But if Xena knows. She'll make him stay. That's what she does.

He begs for me to stay quiet. And just as he does. Xena's here. Asking what's up. We've been talking too long.

He looks at me with silent plea. He... wants to help. He can't do anything. But he wants to be included.

He's just like me. Just as pathetic. I think I can't marry him, after all.

I can't betray a fellow burden. So I stay quiet. I'm sure the combined might of Xena and Hercules can carry *two* burdens, easy.

Oh well, we're just walking anyway. It's a quiet cave. What can happen.

Soon we'll free Prometheus, and then Iolaus will be fine! All we have to do, is figure out how to do it without sacrifice. Two greatest heroes of humanity are present here, they'll figure it out! And I'll help them do that!

So we keep walking. Now me and Iolaus share a common secret. Now I know. That every step to him, is pain. But he keeps walking.

I like this bond that I share with him. We're both useless people, but we do our best to help those who are above us. We both have to suffer for our love. And we bear our pain with pride.

That's kinda admirable. Maybe we should get married anyway?

Don't worry, Iolaus. I won't betray you. Your secret's safe with me!

His every step is pain, but he endures it. He can't do anything, like me. But he keeps walking towards danger even if he's useless. But oh well. We're just sidekicks anyway. We can't do anything, either way. One down is not a problem to the world.

Nah, I can't marry him after all.

And we're just walking. It's a quiet cave. What can happen.

And then a cave-in happens. Rocks falling everywhere. Hey I didn't think about this before. But hey. Are caves are actually kinda dangerous? What if we get stuck in here! What if we can't get out? It'll be like our tomb! It'll be terrible! Why didn't I think about that before? What was I thinking!

Maybe I'm in more danger than I realize? ... Nah, can't be. Xena would never bring me to danger! It'll be fine! Have faith!

I worried. But it's fine, nothing to worry about. I worried over nothing. Hercules is just holding all the mountain for us. I'm sure Xena can do that, too.

But he is quite strong. The sight is giving me sensations. What else can he do with those muscles? Now I wanna marry him, too. Is he available? I lick my lips.

Distracted by lewd thoughts, I stumble, make a careless move, and poke Iolaus right in the wound. He screams. Oh well, I was never good at keeping secrets!

So now Xena knows, so now she's telling him to stay behind.

Oh well. He is just a sidekick, after all. To stay behind is his duty.

Good thing that, unlke him, I'm still fit and able-bodied. He can't go - but I can! Goodbye Iolaus, we're going to save the world without you! When we get back, we'll tell you all about it!

Now we'll leave him and to save the world together. I'll enjoy this so much! Now I'll see heroics with my own eyes! I always wanted to see that!

And I'll be so helpful! I'll be so incredibly helpful! I'll be so helpful, their head is gonna spin!

I though about this before. I'm not of any help! Xena is with me but she's alone! But that's before! Things are different now! No more of that! Now I'll never let her be alone again!

Now we'll go. The two heroes and me. They will save the world, and I'll help! I'll do something! I'll do... something? What will I do?

... Oh well, no depressing thoughts! I'll do *something*! I'll come up with something!

This life is hard but I endure! Endure it for her! I'm helping! This is not for me, this is for her!

They will save the world, and I will... What will I do?

There's gotta be some use to me. Otherwise, why would Xena be taking me with her? She takes me because I'm helpful! I'm there for her! I have my uses!

I'm her cook! I'm her handler of things! I'm her entertainment! I'm her emotional support! I'm her home to return to! Sometimes I think I'm her everything! Without me, she'll be all alone! It's not much! But I'm sure all of that will be useful somehow!

So, now she will save the world, and I will help with all that, somehow!

How? I'm not sure. It can't be that I'm useless! I'll help somehow!

... Hey. What can I actually do, I wonder? I am kinda useless.

Why is Xena letting me with her? What am I to Xena?

Why didn't she tell me.

"Without me, she'll be alone." That's my pride. But that... isn't true anymore. I look at Hercules. He is so obviously her intended one. They were born for each other. They are each other's half.

They. Not me.

Right now, she has him. She is not alone.

... She doesn't need me anymore.

Why didn't she tell me.

If Xena and Hercules get back together... where does that put me?

If they are together. If they are a match. If they're good to each other. Then I am... a third wheel? Then I am... unwanted?

Why didn't she tell me.

Does Xena want a moment alone with Hercules right now... but I'm in the way?

Is this why she didn't tell me? Because it's him she wants?

Does Xena want to save the world together with Hercules, and not with me?

Does she... want me gone... but can't bring herself to tell me?

Does Xena... want me gone?

Did she not tell me because...

She was preparing herself to die but she didn't tell me. She was going to die without telling me.

Why? ... Because... because...

...

Because she wants me gone?

Because I'm nothing? Because I'm helpless? Because I can't help in any way?

Or no. Not that. None of that. Even worse.

She was going to her death without telling me. Why?

... Because we aren't friends. Because she wants nothing with me. Because she wants me gone.

Because... as a human being... I'm someone she should want gone.

I say that I'm helping. That this is not for me, this is all for her. But that's a lie. The truth is... I'm not helping her in any way. All I do is take things from her.

She should want me gone because I'm helpless. She should want me gone because I'm not good to her in any way. She should want me gone because I'm just her burden. I'm her third wheel.

...

I wanna go, because I want to. But am I actually getting in the way? Am I runining things for others, for my own benefit? Am I being happy at someone else's expense?

Right now, they will go and save the world. And I'll be... in the way.

I can't help in any way. I... can't do anything. All I can do... is be a burden.

She lives for the sake of goodness, for the sake of others. And yet all I do is bring her down.

If I wanted to help... then I should just stay away. I can't detract from them.

But I wanna go so much! Maybe I'll go after all.

But I can't help. I should just stay.

But I wanna go! But I'll stay.

... Nah, I don't care, I'm going! It's decided. Positive thinking! Faith! Hope! Future! Xena!

Now we'll leave Iolaus, and go together. I'll enjoy this so much! Now I'll see heroics with my own eyes! I always wanted to see that!

I'll be happy! And she... she'll be sad. Sad because of me. Sad because I'm there.

Now we'll go. The two heroes and me. They will save the world, and I'll help! I'll do something! I'll do... something? What will I do?

I... can't do anything. All I can do... is be a burden.

I am someone she should want gone.

I'm nothing. I can't help. I want to help. But I can't!

I want to help so much. I love her, so I want to be useful to her.

But I'm not her helper. I'm her burden. All I do is drag her down.

So if I love her. If I want to help her. Then... the only proof of that... Then the only thing I can do...

Is to remove myself.

...

I'm nothing so much. I'm a burden so much. That the only way for me to love another... is by leaving them without me.

It hurts. It hurts so much. It hurts to be nothing!

But there's nothing else. Nothing I can do. I don't see another way. This is the only way I can help.

A month with Xena. And I'm still nothing.

No matter what I do. I can't be helpful to anyone.

I am someone she should want gone. Anyone should want me gone.

I look at Iolaus. I'm the same loser as him. He also can't help anybody.

He also needs help himself.

He is also useless and helpless. So much, he's actually worse off than me. I can walk, at least. And he's all limp.

He's worse off than me. He's so much worse that he... could use some help... from ME.

I... could be useful to him.

I could be useful to somebody. I want to be useful so much.

Right now we'll just leave him and go. The three of us. Two heroes and one coward.

And he... he'll be left behind. All alone in a dark cave that's like a tomb.

All alone to die here if we don't make it.

We will go. We'll save the world. I'll be there, witnessing it.

They will save the world. And I'll watch. I always wanted to see that. I'll be happy.

Two heroes. And a coward. And me who can't help in any way.

And Iolaus. Will be left alone. He'll be miserable.

He's wounded but he wants to help.

Just like me, he's useless. But he would go if he could. He's so brave.

But the reward for his bravery. Is to be left behind. Is misery alone.

I'd hate to stay behind in these caverns. They're just like a tomb. It's dark and cold in here. To stay here alone... is like being buried alive.

But he will stay alone. While I'll go have fun being useless and helpless.

While I'll go and have fun being a burden. While I'll go and be happy at the expense of others.

Just like him. I can't help in any way. I see no way in which I can be useful.

But he will be alone.

I don't like it... when people are alone.

I can't help them. But I can help here.

I refuse to be happy at the cost of other people.

If I go... I'll be worthless.

But if I stay... then I'll be of some little value to somebody.

I want to be so much more. But this is all I have. This is all I'm good for.

And so... my choice is value or worthlessness. Fun worthlessness. Or value in misery.

This choice. It's too hard. I can't make it. I feel like I'll break myself if I were to choose.

But I must choose. No matter how hard. How painful. I must break myself. I must make this choice.

And so... itr's hard... but...

I choose value.

I'll stay with him.

I feel terrible. I have just chosen against Xena. But I shouldn't. This is the only way for me to help.

I'll stay because this is better this way. This way I'll be of use. I'll be useful to somebody. I should be proud of that. Yet I feel terrible. But I must stay.

I don't want to get in Xena's way. I must remove myself to make her happy.

If I'm her misery, then I should go.

... But what if we never meet again? ! Nevermind! I can't let that happen! I think I'm going after all!

And then I'll be useless while Iolaus dies alone. I won't be useful to anyone.

I wanna be useful to at least someone. I can't be useful to Xena. But I can be useful to him.

So I'll stay. I hate this! But I'll stay.

I will be useful. I'll do the only useful thing that I'm capable of doing. I'll stay behind.

Behind in these cold, dark caverns that are like a tomb. While they go and have fun.

But I'll be useful. This is a very small degree of useful. But it's all I can.

Because I want to be of use to anybody. I want to have a value.

And so I say it. I'll stay behind.

Go and have fun, Xena, Hercules. You two needed a moment together, anyway.

Sidekicks should stick with sidekicks. And heroes should go and have fun saving the world.

And they agree. Of course they would. This is the only way things can go.

And so they are about to leave. And then I realize.

Hey. This is a goodbye, isn't it?

... I forgot! But I wanted to stop her! No, Xena! Don't go! Don't die to save the world!

Now she'll leave me.

Now I may never see her again.

Noooo! I don't want that to happen!

Please. Please, universe. Don't let this be our goodbye. It's too soon!

And then we hug.

Xena hugs me!

This is happiness. This is the world. This is why I was born.

She hugs me. I love this. She never hugged me before. Why now?

... Because she expects to die. This is a goodbye.

She hugs me... because she leaves. Because she may never come back. Because she expects to die.

No! I hate this! Don't hug me! Don't say goodbye! Come back alive, instead!

This is what she what preparing for. I realized that. And I couldn't do a single thing to stop this. I brought this forth, myself. If only I could stop this.

We may never see each other after this.

No. This can't be real. This can't be out future!

But if it is... then how do we stop it? I don't know!

Why things like this have to happen. This cruel world.

If only the world was better! Then nobody would have to die!

Damn you, Zeus! I hate you! I rebel against you! I say we overthrow you!

Right now. She's going to save the world at the cost of her life.

How can I stop her?!

I wish she didn't do it!

Xena, stop! Don't take this upon yourself! Let somebody else do it!

I know you're feeling down. I know you're blaming yourself for some mistakes. I know you seek punishment, seek a way out. But don't!

Don't be selfish! Live for me!

But she won't listen. I can't stop her.

All I can do, is watch her as she leaves to her death.

I'm powerless to stop her. And I can't help in any way.

She is the world to me. She is life itself to me. She is my everything.

And now I'll watch her leave.

Unable to help in any way. A month together. And I haven't helped any!

I haven't done a single thing!

Only moments left! What do I do!

What can I do to tell her how much she means to me?

...

I am worthless. I can't think of anything.

All I do, is hug her back.

But this is not enough. I am not enough.

I fancy myself with being a storyteller. I want to be a bard someday.

But I can't think of words to tell you how much you mean to me.

I want to be an actor. But I can't think of a gesture that'll express my feelings for her.

This love. It's too much. It's my everything. It's more than me. It's more than the entire world.

And yet. I can't do a single thing to express it. None at all.

I'm pathetic. No matter how much I grow. I'm not enough.

Moments left. I grab her hand. Please. Please let it last. Please let it linger.

Please! Let something else happen! Let there be a miracle!

Let me have one more moment with her!

But it doesn't happen. A miracle does not occur. Our moment's over. She lets go of me.

Our contact's gone. Was it our last?

One more touch. One more speck of happiness! And she is gone. She disappears into darkness. I'm left alone.

... I can't do it. I should follow! I make my steps to her! Towards darkness she went into. I make those steps. But then I stop.

And then I remember. That I'm nothing. That I can't help in any way.

And I want to help. And that means. I should stay.

She is my heart, and is my soul. And I let her leave.

I should follow. And yet I stay.

This is the hardest decision that I have ever made in life. I think it's breaking me.

My heart is tearing. But I will stay.

Because by staying, and by separating... is the only way I know to show my love. Nothing else.

She is my heart. And I watch her leave.

She's leaving. And I stay here. Stay here without my heart.

Stay here. Watching her disappearing back. Like I always do.

Will this be the last I see of her? No!

Please. Please don't let this be goodbye. Please give us more time.

Give us more time. Give me more time to grow. So I could grow. And learn.

And learn how to express what I feel for her.

And learn how to be of help. So she doesn't leave me.

So she should want me there with her.

Please let her be successfull. Please let her come back.

Please give us more time.

Please give us the most important thing of all.

Please give us a future.

""""""""""

XENA

""""""""""

And so we go to our destination. Me, my two exes and Gabrielle.

This is so awkward I'm dying.

I'm just surrounded by my interests now.

I look as Iolaus. I've done things with him, and I wished for his death.

I look as Hercules. I've done things with him, and I wished for his death.

I look as Gabrielle. ... I've wished for her death. Haven't done anything with her, yet. And don't intend to!

Still this is awkward.

I will never touch her. But she has so many unconscious desires for me, she's constantly embarassing herself. I should get rid of her sooner! While she still has some dignity left!

Iolaus. Hercules. Gabrielle.

Everybody I'm surrounded with right now, are all the people I desire and who desire me. It's like I own a harem, now.

The tension's so thick you can cut it with a knife. And I did all that. I am shame. I know no restraint! No self-preservation!

Mother told me I would become a loose woman when I grow up. I laughed at that! But now I know! She was right! She was spot on!

I've had too promiscuous a life. I regret a little.

Just like if I were to spit onto a map at random, it would end on some village I've already ravaged.

The same thing with love. With map. Or if I were to enter a big town and walk into a crowd. There would probably be an ex or two among that crowd. Any town. Any kingdom. Any settlement. I had a wild life.

And now I'm surrounded by three love interests, all at once, in every direction. What do I do, where do I put my hands, where do I look.

This is so awkward I can't stand it. I think I'm dying. Somebody kill me. Put me out of my misery.

Please, danger, come sooner, free me from this awkward.

And so we make it to the divine cave. I haven't stolen the sword, yet.

Still no twilight. This day is never-ending. Feels like we've been traveling for a week now!

We go in. I should tell Gabrielle to stay behind. But I can't. Our last day together, and we get no moment alone! None at all! Everybody keeps interrupting!

So I let her go with. It's just the gods we're fighting against, I'm sure she'll be fine. Hercules will survive this, so he'll take care of her.

I really want a bit more time together. Maybe I could sneak in some while we're inside the cave? I can only hope!

Hercules mentions his father. The worthless trash that can't control his worthless wife.

Gabrielle praises him. Fool! It's because of things like Zeus that we're in this situation!

I hate all gods so much. I would kill them if I could.

Iolaus is hiding his wound well. Hasn't drawn attention to it yet. Oh well, he'll get there. Gabrielle will poke it or something.

Gabrielle lingers behind to chat with him.

Oh no. She's gonna jump at him now, too?! She's seriously into him? But he's so old.

He's too old for her! Old enough to be her grandfather! What is she, nuts?!

I wanna go back and get between them, but I can't. Hercules' still got that sword. I should stick by him in case I can steal it. For the world! For love! For good death!

But still they linger. ... She's jumping his bones right now, isn't she?

Our last day together, and she jumps at guys, anyway. What a hussy. I can't stand it!

I ignore the sword, ignore the world, ignore humanity, ignore good death, and hurry back to get between them. Hey Gabrielle, forget anything? Remember the drama? The humanity about to die off? The having to die to stop this? Don't get distracted by hot guys just yet! At least wait until I'm gone!

So much for our last day together! ! !

Aw, she wasn't jumping him, not yet. Looks worried. So he told her about the wound. Guess she finds wounds a turn-off. That's why she isn't jumping him yet.

Hey Iolaus, how's that wound? Still keeping quiet?

Aw she's keeping quiet about his secret, too. They're bonding, how sweet. Why don't you two just get married?

Well, I've confirmed her momentary fidelity, time to go back to my sword!

Hey Hercules, isn't that sword heavy? Let me carry it for you!

And aw, we're this close to goal, and it's been quiet so far. Where's our ambush?

I'm in the same room with two exes and Gabrielle. The tension's so thick I can't breathe. I don't know where to turn my eyes. This is torture. ... Where IS our ambush, damnit! Come on! Break the tension!

And then, a cave-in. That's Hera, isn't it? I think I heard her signature noises. Heard she always makes them in her every appearance. Gotta be her. Thanks Hera! That sure broke the tension! Owe you one! Now do more!

Normally we'd die, but this time it's fine, Hercules is with us. He can hold back a cave-in or two. I knew he'd be useful against Hera.

He holds back the cave-in. With his muscles. That's hot. Maybe we should take a bush break together?

Thanks Hercules! Couldn't do that without you! You have sure protected us against Hera! Now your purpose is served, I have no need for you anymore.

He stops the cave-in, but struggles a little. Hmm that gives me an idea. When I want to defeat an immortal, I should drop a mountain at them. I'll note that down.

Then Gabrielle pokes Iolaus in the wound, as predicted. He yells out. So he could only keep quiet for an hour. Sissy.

Time to dump Gabrielle, I guess. Don't want her any closer to danger. She's already almost had a mountain fall on her!

"Iolaus, are you alright? Are you wounded? Gee, we didn't know that! Can you even walk like this? Why don't you just stay here, all alone? He's in so much pain! If only he had someone to keep him company!"

Gabrielle volunteers. Good. Now just be a good girl and don't get in trouble. I know it'll be hard but please hold back. Hercules will come pick you up an hour later. Can you wait an hour? Time to go, bye! I wish to leave sooner, so it's not too difficult.

And then I look at her. She looks at me. Oh.

This is our goodbye. Our last moments together.

Our last day together is over. Before I knew it.

Such shame. If only this day proceeded differently, we'd spend it better.

I wanted so much to tell you, so much to give you. But it looks like this is it. The end. Our time has run out.

If only this day proceeded differently. If only this life proceeded differently. We coulld have had so much more.

But I went ahead and destroyed everything. And now this death is all that I deserve. So now this is the only thing that I can give you.

Just this month of travels. That's all. My best. Hope you had fun.

How much I wish I could give you more.

I couldn't really give you anything, could I. Nothing at all.

All I did was take your home from you. Goad you to leave safety and go towards danger. Towards suffering.

And now I'll leave you here, inside this mountain that's like a tomb.

But it's okay. It won't be your tomb. I'll make sure Hercules survives, and he will lead you somewhere nice. I'll make sure of that.

To bring you somewhere nice. How much I wish I could do that.

And now. This is it. Our last moment together. I will never see her again. This is our end.

I can't be sad. I always knew that this was coming. I always knew that what we have can never last.

I should walk away indiffirently. I shouldn't make this hard on her. I don't want her missing me. I want her to forget me and be happy.

I should do that but I don't. I'm a weakling, I'm a coward.

I did it once before. I thought that I met my end, and I let a weakness slide. I smiled at her. And in the end. She suffered for it. My weakness caused her to suffer. Never again.

I will never let her be hurt again. Never again. I decide that. But.

I shoudn't be getting anything at all from this. I don't deserve rewards. I deserve punishments. I know all that. I know that. But.

... I can't resist this goodness. I'm too weak.

And so we hug. I allow us to hug. I let this weakness slide. I'm a weakling, I'm a coward. I cannot control myself.

My first time touching her on purpose. And my last. My only.

I touch her. And I know that I'm condemning her. Forgive me, Gabrielle. But I can't resist.

I wish that I could resist you. It takes everything I have to try. And yet I can't resist.

It takes all my strength not to crumble. To let nothing show. To keep my poker face.

I feel like all my life, I've lived dead. And only in your arms I come to life.

So this is what I've been missing. All my life. It's always been you. You are what I've always been looking for. You are my core, my reason.

And now I have you. I have found you! And now we have to part.

I wish that time would stop. I wish this moment would last forever. I wish that there was no more future. I wish that now was all there is.

But it can't be. Our moment ends. We break apart.

You are my heart, and when I leave you, I tear my heart apart. And I can't show it.

Sorry, Gabrielle. I ruined everything. I couldn't be better. I couldn't give you more.

But at least you'll live. I'll make sure you live.

I'm horrible. But you are someone good. I don't deserve you.

Please. Stay good. Don't let my evil influence you. Don't let my evil ruin you.

Stay just the way you were before you met me.

Stay good. Make it so that being with me hasn't ruined you. Make my not ruining you into my pride. Please give me that.

Be good.

And just as I think that. She speaks.

"Don't strike the blow."

And my heart just shatters.

No, Gabrielle. Don't be like this. Don't wish for the death of another. Have I already ruined you?! Be good!

At least be better than me!

Hercules is the hope of humanity. Don't you know that? Don't wish that he dies so that I could live! Don't be so awful! I'm a monster! I'm the bane of humanity! You should wish for my death, instead!

Don't wish that another dies so that a monster could live.

Haven't you learned a thing? I've hurt you. You've heard about my misdeeds.

I've failed at everything. You shouldn't wish for me to live. Be better!

But she still does. Because she loves me.

Because I tricked her into loving me. And now she'll suffer for it. And now she's worse for it.

I let her wrap her life around me. I have become the decider of her destiny. I made it so she needs me to survive. I have taught her my worst.

And so she loves me. So she wishes that this monster lives.

She loves me. But she doesn't really know me. So it's not real. It can't be real. I can't let it. I am her mistake. Her loving me is wrong.

Oh Gabrielle. If only things were different.

But they are not. So I'll have to die. And you shall learn to live without me. I hope that I have prepared you some.

Be strong. Be brave. And live a life you could be proud of.

Be good. Be better than I was.

Make sure you don't do things that you regret.

Stay pure. Stay innocent. Stay good. Stay loving. Stay. Just stay.

... Hercules is leaving. It is time.

It's hard. I must get going.

She grabs my hand. She doesn't want to let me go.

No. Gabrielle. Don't make it more difficult than it already is! Have pity on me!

She doesn't want to let me go. She's merciless.

And I can't either. It's too much. I'm not strong enough for this.

I can't let go of her hand.

Please. Please give us one more moment. Just one more moment that I can spend with her.

Oh Gabrielle. You are my blessing. You are my torture. I'd rather die than let you go.

But I have to. It's my duty. I need to die so that you could live.

It is for you I die. The only way that I can show my love to you. Is for me to die for you. For me to die to make you happy.

I've ruined my life. And now there's nothing else. Just this.

I ruined my life so much that only my death can show my love to you.

I've lived a life of regrets. And I regret that we have to part.

But then I met you. And you have changed me.

You've taught me so much in just a month.

I was nothing when I met you. But then I met you, and with you, I have become a little something.

I've had a life of regrets. But right now. I can be proud.

I'm proud I can die to save the world. I can be proud that I can die as someone you can love.

I've ruined everything. I'm full of regrets. But right now. I'm happy that I can die for you.

To save the world so that you could live in it. Perhaps the only one good deed that I will ever do.

To have the strength to meet you and then leave you, for your own sake. This is the best thing that I'll have ever done in life. I'm tortured but also. This is the happiest that I have ever been.

And I'll do it. I'll be proud.

I can be proud of being someone that you can love.

And so I'll leave. But I'll leave proud. I'll leave strong.

So you be strong, too. Right now, I'm strong alone. But if you live. When you're alone. I want you to be strong, as well.

So you be strong. And live a good life.

Look at me. I'm strong. I'm proud. I'm brave. I'm on my way to save the world.

So you be all that, too.

If I'm strong. If I'm brave. Then I must face my regrets. I look at Iolaus.

Hey Iolaus. That wound hurts? I'm leaving my girl with you. Make sure she doesn't get in trouble.

And sorry. That one time I pitted you to kill Hercules. I was being awful.

And so I go. Just like that. One last peek at Gabrielle, one last touch.

And so I go. My heart is aching. I think I'm leaving it behind.

But I'm glad.

At least we got to say goodbye.

...

Goodbye, Gabrielle. We will never meet again.

But I'm happy that I met you.

Please live.