11.16.1995 "PROMETHEUS" 6

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XENA

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And then we go back to Gabrielle. She hasn't gone home yet because she can't get out of the caves by herself.

She wasn't jumping Iolaus' bones yet, with him dying and everything. Perhaps I overestimate her lustfulness. She isn't as depraved as I think.

Good. We have narrowly avoided pregnancy. But I'm sure that if we lingered even a minute more, we may not have been so lucky. She would probably get pregnant.

So I'm alive. I'll live!

I look at her. Gabrielle. I thought I'd never see you again.

But now I'll live. So I'll be seeing you.

I'm so relieved I nearly fall. It's taking my all to keep my poker face.

Oh Gabrielle. I'm so glad that I can see you!

Now we'll have time! Now we can live! Now I can do things that you'd be proud of! Now I can fulfill my life's goal! Now I can bring you somewhere nice! Now I can give you Athens!

Now I can help you find your real life! In Athens!

I'm so happy right now I could cry. So I look the other way and distract myself with anything. I can't let her know how much she means to me.

Hey Iolaus, how's that wound, can you walk? Let's carry you outta these caves.

And we go out. Sunlight's so bright it's blindening. Gabrielle praises the beauty of the world.

I guess she's right. Now I can see it too.

How could I not see it? How could I have been so blind?

Hey, world. I thought I'd never see you again. But now I'll see you for a little while.

I didn't expect to live again. But now I'll live. So I'll enjoy my life a little.

At least for a short while. Our world is horrible, we could die at any moment. And now I have the queen of the gods mad at me. Likely that I won't live another day.

But if I live that day... then I will love it. Life is short, so we've gotta enjoy it some.

Iolaus moans so I go retrieve our saddle bag. I taught Gabrielle bandaging, she's my bandage girl now. Let no one say she's good for nothing!

And as I go. I wonder.

What now?

We have saved the world. Now we shall live.

I'm surrounded by love, I'm with my two exes and Gabrielle.

What do I do now? Do I have my quickie? Do I organize an orgy?

I come back with our bandages. Gabrielle gets busy with her guy of the week.

I've had things with him, too. This is awkward.

She's innocent, she doesn't even realize the awkwardness of this. She's blessed.

But there is one way to purify this awkwardness. And it's a foursome!

I decide that. Let's have a foursome. And I make my way to Hercules. Let's talk about love!

Hercules. The last man I had anything with.

I haven't had anything in two months now. This is extremely unhealthy. I should correct this as soon as possible.

When I was a warlord. I was having a man every single day. Sometimes several. Sometimes several at once.

But now. Almost two months of NOTHING! My genitals just ache. They aren't used to this idleness. I think they're shiveling away. I have to save them!

How much I wish I had some again. Why don't they have male brothels? I would be a regular customer.

Right now, I'll have my quickie. And then I propose a foursome, too!

Hercules. The one who's saved my soul. The one who showed me the way.

Back then, I said goodbye because I sought death. But now I'm different, I grew.

Now I live a life I can be proud of!

So now I'm different. Now I save the world! Now I'm not a punishment. Now I'm a reward! Now I can have good things!

Back then I didn't know what I was doing. But now I know! Hercules! You're the one that saved me! It was you!

I was a little something, but now I'm more! I started my new life trying to imitate you! I copied your mannerisms, I did my best to speak in your voice! I wanted to become you!

"What Hercules would do?" was probably what I was thinking! I met you, so I wanted to become like you!

It's you who made me what I am today! And I am grateful! Let me show my gratitude!

I'm grateful! So now we can have a foursome! So now we can live together as traveling duo! We'll save the world together again, I'm sure!

So now, let's go into the bushes, why are you tarrying?

And as I'm about to grab him by the privates and drag him to the nearest bushes.

I stop myself. Hey. Did I just think something incredible but I didn't notice that I did? What was it?

He saved me, so now I'm copying him. I met him so I want to become him. He made me, and now I want us to be two.

Is this it? What is it about it? Something the matter?

I think. And I realize.

After I met him, I have become something different than I was before. I've stopped being myself, I've become something else. I started copying his mannerisms, I started talking in his voice. Because I wish to become like him.

"Him." ... Him?

But as I think deeper. I notice. No. He's not the one. At least, not only. There's one more. Who is it? Who else was there?

... I know!

It's Lao Ma. It must be her that I'm thinking of! It must've been her whom I try to copy. It must be her whose wisdoms I try and live up to!

Hercules, when we were together. I was worthless, I was nothing. And as I saw you, I'm sure I wanted to become something more. I must have, somehow, thought of her as the one I should aspire to.

Back then, eleven years go. She tried to save my soul, too. She tried and she failled. But her failure was not complete!

She's buried her seed inside me. The seed that took hold and slowly grew.

So that when I met you. There already was an example of a great person that I could follow. I'd just forgotten her, but on some level I guess I thought of her.

... I thought that I was copying him. But it was Lao Ma. Well, him too, probably. So many great people that I know.

Hercules and Lao Ma. They are so similar. They both have the wisdom to save another's soul, they both do what they can to save the world for all of us.

So it's Lao Ma who I've been thiking of. I've failed her so terribly. And now I live thanks to the efforts that she put into me. Now thanks to her, I get to become something more.

Hey Lao Ma. I wish you'd seen me now. It took me some detours, but just now, I've done a good thing. I saved the world! Your effort wasn't wasted. And maybe I have saved you. This feels so good.

I've failed you. But in return. You've still rescued my soul! From afar!

I shed a tear. So I haven't failed thoroughly! I've still had some worth and some valu. Even if all of that came from her. I've spent eleven years trampling on her efforts. But now they still bear fruit! She won! We won!

Forgive me, Lao Ma. I made you wait. But now I'm good. Now I can be that beautiful thing you saw me as!

She'd seen me as something beautiful. Something I wasn't then but I can become now.

Hercules and Lao Ma, you've made me who I am today. You saw the potential I had, and now it's real!

They saw in me that which wasn't there back then, and in return I've become that which they saw me as.

That sounds familiar. Where else have I seen all that?

This whole thing. What else does it remind me of? Was there someone else who also did all that, and I forgot?

My glance turns to Gabrielle. She's sitting there and kissing Iolaus. ... Oh.

Wastes to time. That girl is thirst. So now we share a guy.

I see her. And suddenly, memories flash in.

I was sitting there in some forest clearing. I buried my clothes, and I sought death. I only needed one more moment. And in that moment. I saw her.

I saw her, and in her I saw life itself. I can't just die when I see her.

I was worthless, I was nothing. But in me, she imagined something great, something incredible.

I wanted to be that thing she sees me as. And here I am. Standing there as something Lao Ma and Hercules can be proud of.

Gabrielle. It's you who saved me. I am who I am because of you.

Lao Ma, Hercules, Gabrielle. The three people to whom I owe my all.

To each of you, I own a dept that I can never repay. I only live because of you.

What is it with these people. Just who are they? They see a murderer, a demon, an abomination. And they help that thing become something else.

They must be crazy. But right now. It's thanks to all of you included, that we could save the world this time.

Because of them I could live. And thanks to that, the world can be saved without a sacrifice.

The real rescuers are those who believe in others. It's their belief that saves the world.

But me. Me alone, I couldn't do a thing. I like to think myself as self-reliant, as needing nobody.

But depending on the goodness of others is all I ever do.

And so I look at Hercules. He is so strong, he does everything for others.

I look at Gabrielle. She should be a weakling, a coward, a burden. But instead. She is my source of strength.

The life on the road is impossible. She shouldn't last a single day! But look, more than a month, and she's still here. She is burdened, exhausted, starved, bruised, smelly, filthy. She's denied all those little things in life that she needs and wants, that she should have.

This life's so hard, that it's impossible. And yet she's here. She's here because she wants me.

All I do is hurt her, stunt her. All I do, is deny her the real life that she should have.

The one who is the real burden... it's me on her, not her on me.

This life is hard, impossible. And yet she stays, she endures all. I hurt her, yet she believes me. Her faith's so strong, it borders on insanity.

She endures everything. Because she's strong. So strong, that she can even endure a life with me.

Hercules and Gabrielle. The two of you.

Both of you are strong and think about others. And both of you believe in me.

You are so similar. It's like you two are the same person, split in two. Two halves of one whole.

Perhaps the real soulmates here are Gabrielle and Hercules?

Good if so. Then they could love each other, too!

If we all get together, we will have a happy foursome! I will have Hercules and Gabrielle will have Iolaus. Maybe I'll have something with Iolaus again, why not he's a nice enough guy. And maybe Gabrielle will have something with Hercules. Of course she will, he's easy to love. Even if Iolaus leaves, me and Gabrielle could be sharing Hercules? And then maybe, me and Gabrielle will have something with each other? I want that so much.

But if that happens, if we have that, then... then me and Gabrielle will have each other. Then she will fall deeper in love with me, then she will get deeper into this life of danger. Life of hardship.

Life in which she is denied things. Things that she deserves. Denied life that she should really have.

That real life she should be having. That real life that I take away from her.

I don't want that. I don't want to take anymore things from her. I have already taken enough.

I shouldn't take things from her. I should give her. I should give her what she wants. I should try and give her that life she should be having. That life she doesn't know she wants.

I don't want her to live a life of danger. I forgot. I have helped save the world twice so I forgot. But I'm a monster. I shouldn't let anybody love me. Maybe Hercules because he's strong. But not Gabrielle.

I couldnt let her love me. Because if she loves me... and then learns she shouldn't... it would hurt too much. I couldn't bear it if we were to separate.

It hurts already to think about her leaving me... but if we had something.. if we loved each other... and then she would leave... then I don't know if I could survive that pain.

Why is it, I wonder. We met barely a month ago. And already I love her so much I don't know if I could live without her.

I love her so much, that I know... that I know I shouldn't love her. I should wish better for her.

To me she is the ultimate future. She can have anything, be anything. If she just lives, if she just has her own life.

I am the denier of futures, the ender of lives. I should always remember that. I can't let myself forget. Because if I forget, if I let myself go free... then I will take her future from her.

Anything but that. She is the ultimate future. I won't let anyone take that away from her. Not even me.

She WILL have her own life. I will not be taking it. I will help her. I love her enough for this. I love her enough to guide her to a life without me.

I love her enough to stop myself from loving her.

We will not have a foursome. No. We will separate. Right away. We won't even spend the night. The less temptation, the better. What if I change my mind? We should hurry.

I should hurry up and separate Gabrielle from Iolaus before he gets her pregnant. Nasty guy. Teaching my girl bad stuff.

And as I decide that. I look at Hercules. He is my love, he is my soul. And now I'll separate from him. I want him but I'll separate from him because I want something else even more.

More than anything in the world. My biggest wish. I want a future for Gabrielle.

Why, I wonder. What is it, I wonder, that I have with her. She is such a shallow little thing. I should find her intolerable. And yet I love her so much I would sacrifice my soul for her. Why.

What is it exactly that I have with Gabrielle? I can't figure it out. What are we to each other?

I dont really understand anything I'm doing. All I know. Is that I want more time with Gabrielle. Just a bit more time.

And that means... the time to say goodbye is now.

So this is our goodbye. Our third.

First time, two months ago, when I left him after Parthus. I indended to die back then.

Second time, an hour ago. I intended to die back then.

And now, our third time.

What do I do? What do I say?

And he knows. He says goodbye before I do. He understands me. We truly do share a soul.

We kiss. It takes all my strength to break that up. I have to. I can't afford to get distracted.

There are other things I want more than this.

Our third goodbye. But this time it's different. This time I intend to live a little. Just enough to get a few things done.

Last time we separated. Was for all the wrong reasons.

It was because I sought death. It was because I wanted punishment. It was because I feared goodness.

But not this time. This time is different. I have grown up since then.

This time we separate. Because we both must be on our way.

You are simply on your way to do good, because that's what you are.

And me... I'm looking to redeem myself, to wash off the blood, to fix my mistakes...

No. None of that is true.

I'm on my way because I want to be good, too.

I met you, and you helped me live a little longer. And thanks to that, I got to meet her. I'm grateful.

Now I'll live so I could help her.

"Til we meet again." I say that. When we split before, I anticipateddeath. But not this time. Now it's different. Now I intend to live. Now I intend to meet again.

I say that. But I know.

We live in a world of death. Our every day could be our last.

I live a life of danger. My every day is probably my last. I don't really have a future.

I know that we will likely never meet again.

But even so. I will believe.

I will believe that we will meet. I'll be strong enough to have some hope. This is not goodbye.

This is only a temporary separation. It doesn't mean a single thing.

Hercules is competent and probably immortal. If I live, then leaving him is no big deal. I know that given time, he'll still be there. I can always find him again later and rekinkle what we had.

But Gabrielle, on other hand. Can only be swift and temporary. She couldn't possibly stay with me for long. Our time together will be short.

With her. Whatever is it that we have. It can only be short and brief. It cannot last.

And because I know it's short. I want it more right now.

I want to see. Where this short time with Gabrielle will bring me.

It can only be short. Soon we'll separate. Soon she'll leave me. Soon she's find something else, somebody else.

And then. When that happens. I'll just go back to Hercules. So this brief separation is meaningless. It doesn't mean a single thing.

I will not allow it to mean a single thing. I will not allow myself to love her aymore than I already have.

So now I choose Gabrielle over Hercules, it isn't meaningful. It's only a small sacrifice of Hercules. It doesn't mean a thing. I just wanna stay with Gabrielle a little longer, that's all. Just that.

I just want a bit more time with Gabrielle. That's all. Nothing more.

I'm just playing with her. This isn't serious.

What we have with her, can never be serious in any way. I can't allow it.

So I'll just try and enjoy this temporary thing. That's all. Just for now.

Bye, Hercules. I choose Gabrielle.

And so I go. I go toward Gabrielle.

Because right now. To be with her. Is the meaning of my life.

I lose my soul. But I get her. So I'm satisfied.

And so I come back to Gabrielle.

Gabrielle. I've gone to death twice today, and came back to her. It feels so good to return to her. I said that I don't have a home, that I don't have a family. But now I realize it isn't true. Gabrielle, you are my home, you are my family. It is you that I return to.

Time after time, time after time, I go away intending to never come back. And again and again, I come back to you. You are my home.

We were given time. And I'll try an enjoy my time with you.

Right now. We'll travel around a little. And then I'll bring her to Athens. And then, she will have the life she deserves. Her real life she should be having. The life she would have if we had never met.

She used to have her own interests, she used to be her own person. But then she met me, and her interest in me has swallowed her everything. She forgot her roots. I can't allow that. She needs to get her own life.

I want to help her build a life. A life of her own. The life in which she doesn't have me deciding everything for her. The life in which she can grow strong on her own two feet.

Now we were given time. And now I'll bring you somewhere nice before we separate. I'm glad. I'm happy.

She's frowning for some reason. Must be missing Iolaus. Good thing she's shallow, she'll forget him in two minutes. He's too old for her, anyway.

We leave. And then I look back on Hercules. And I remember.

... I should have at least gotten a quickie out of this. I forgot.

I sigh. I never get any these days.

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GABRIELLE

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And so we sit with Iolaus and we are kissing. And then. Outta the corner of my eye, I see.

Xena and Hercules.

...

...

...

... Kissing.

...

! ! !

NO!

A nasty thought forms inside my head.

I hate her doing that! Just stop!

Hey. They're kissing. That means... they're getting back together. Right?

Good for her. Finally she's getting some. I'm glad.

NO! THAT MEANS SHE'S LEAVING ME! JUST STOP!

I love her but I'm just a weirdo. I can be better. This is not for me. This is for her. I'm with her for her, not for me. I just don't want her to be alone. If she wants me gone, I'll leave.

And now she's getting back together with Hercules. I should be glad for her. I should celebrate with her. Finaly she's getting some. Congratulations, Xena!

NOOOO! ! ! GET YOUR FILTHY PAWS OFF HER! STOP THAT!

I see them kiss. I should be glad. But instead. I'm feeling awful.

So she wants him, not me? Would she smile at him? Would she? She wouldn't smile at me. But she would smile at him? ! ! !

I should get gone. I shouldn't get in the way. I shouldn't be happy at her expense. I should be happy for her.

But I can't. I can't be happy.

I DON'T WANT XENA WITH ANOTHER GUY!

STOP THAT! DON'T LEAVE ME! DON'T TAKE HER AWAY FROM ME!

Why. Why am I like this. I should be happy for her. I should congratulate her.

But I can't.

Xena. Stop that, Xena. Stop kissing him. Don't do that. Don't get back together with him.

Don't take me the third wheel. Don't make me unwanted.

Don't make me leave. Don't leave without me.

Take me with you. Don't take him.

Don't want him. Don't choose him. Choose me.

I love you, Xena. Don't love somebody else. Just love me!

Xena. Why are you with him, Xena? Why aren't you with me?

Why am I feeling so awful? What are these awful thoughts? I feel like throwing up.

What is wrong with me. Why do I look at Xena and want to hit her? Why do I look at Hercules and want to beat him up?

And I can't even defeat them - I don't know how to fight. I can't win!

But I want to beat them both up! ! !

Why am I awful?

Why do I feel awful about Xena being happy?

What is wrong with me.

Why am I unhappy about Xena's happiness.

Somebody help me. I don't understand. Somebody make sense of this.

Somebody help. Somebody help me overcome this awful feeling.

This is the most awful that I've ever felt in life. I didn't know this suffering existed.

What is wrong with me.

Why do I feel jealous over Xena?

I wanna cry. I wanna throw a tantrum. I wanna stomp and scream and wriggle.

What is this feeling. Why am I like this?

Xena's with her love. She's happy. I love her. I should be happy for her.

Yet I'm feeling the most awful that I've ever felt in life.

What do I do? How do I live with this horrible sensation?

I don't know. Is this life? Is life like this? Why is it like this? Life shouldn't be awful. Life shouldn't hurt.

And yet I'm hurting. It hurts so much.

Why am I like this. What do I do.

How do I tell her she shouldn't love another?

How do I tell her... that she shouldn't be happy with someone else?

How do I... forbid Xena happiness?

...

It hurts. It hurts so much. I think I'm gonna die. My heart will just explode. How do I live with this hurt? It's impossible.

I can't do it. It's too much. I can't live with this!

But Xena. Xena's happy. Xena's getting what she wants. And it isn't me.

...

Xena's happy. It isn't me, but Xena's happy. That's the only good thing that I can think of. Just her happiness, that's all.

I feel like I'm dying. I feel like my heart is being torn apart.

But Xena's happy.

Xena's happiness... is my torture.

Xena's happiness is torturing me.

But Xena's happy.

All I want... is Xena's happiness.

That's what I like to think. That's who I want to be.

"Want to be." But now I watch them kiss. And I realize.

This isn't me at all.

I can't watch her be with someone else... and be happy.

I can't be who I want to be. Because I love Xena too much.

"Stop resisting love" I would say before. I wished love for her. But now I see it. I see her not resisting love. I see her find her love. And I can't stand it. I'm so vile.

What is wrong with me. Why can't I be better?

Why am I so awful.

Why am I unhappy about Xena's happiness.

Why can't I be more.

I want her happy. But her happiness is a torture to me.

How do I cope?

I don't know.

But if I really want her happy... then...

then... I...

then I have to...

Then I have to... overcome myself?

It hurts. My very soul hurts. My very being.

But if I want her happy. Then I have to embrace this pain.

I have to live with it.

I can't do it. It's too much. I can't live with this. I can't watch her be with someone else and be happy about it. It's impossible.

But I love her. And that means... I should do the impossible.

I don't think I can. But I still will.

I will try and live with this.

I will watch her be with someone else. And I'll congratulate her.

My very soul hurts. But I'll ignore my pain.

I love her enough for this.

I will sacrifice my very soul for her.

I will pretend that I'm happy that she's with somebody else.

...

It hurts so much. How do I cope?

I don't know how. But I'll have to.

If I love her. Then I'll destroy myself for her. And smile about it.

...

Why. Why did it have to be like this? Why do I feel this way about her?

"Love is the most beautiful thing in the universe." I thought.

"So this is love." I thought.

And now. My love is turning me into a wretched being.

Why. Just why. Why is the universe like this?

Why is the world so awful.

Why does love have to be this ugly? This painful?

I don't understand. I don't understand a single thing.

All I know. Is that I'll trade my happiness for hers. And feel terrible about it.

Why does love have to feel this terrible? This is not how it should be.

I am in love. And I become horrible for it.

I'm so twisted. There's gotta be everything wrong with me.

I thought I was just a weirdo. But actually... I think I'm sick.

Why. Just why. Why do I feel awful about loving someone?

Someone help.

But nobody can help with this. All I can do. Is just bear with it.

Just learn to live through the pain.

I don't know what else exists for this.

They're getting back together.

Now she won't be alone anymore.

And now... Xena does not need me anymore.

NO! DON'T LEAVE ME!

I like to think that I'm with Xena because I don't want her to be alone. That this is the only way in which I'm useful to her.

But if she gets herself a guy... then where does that put me?

If she wants herself a guy... and I'm there with her... then... I'm in her way. Then I'm not helping her. Then I'm not needed by her. Then I'm just her obstacle. Just her burden.

I am already her burden, I am already her shame... so if she and Hercules get together now... I'll become even more of that.

And then I remember. The question I had before.

Why did she and Hercules break up.

And if they get back together now.

Where does that put me.

...

I watch them kiss, and think.

STOP DOING THAT!

If they get back together now. Then she'll want me gone, for sure.

If she wants another guy... then... she doesn't want me. If she wants him.. then she wants me gone.

Xena... wants me gone! This hurts. The thought is impossible.

I wish she chose me and not him!

But she chooses him. She can't choose me.

I'm not even sure why she keeps me around now.

She probably doesn't want to be alone.

So if she gets to have Hercules with her... then she won't need me anymore.

I'm so selfish. I meet this hero. She is the most good, kind person in the universe. And then I attach myself to her, then I emburden her with myself, then I bring shame to her, then I get in her way.

Then I deny her happiness.

Right now... I wished she wouldn't get what she wants. Right now, I wished unhappiness on her.

She is the kindest, most unselfish person in the world. She lives just for making others happy.

And I wish unhappiness on her. I'm scum. I'm the most horrible, most wretched being in the world.

I will not have this. I will not wish unhappiness on her. I will... make her happy. I will be strong enough for this.

If she wants him. If she wants me gone. Then I should be gone.

I shouldn't take away her happiness.

If I love her. Then want her to be happy.

If I love her... then I'll leave her.

If I love her... then I'll stop loving her. And leave.

If she wants me gone. If I'm taking away her happiness.

Then we shouldn't be together.

It hurts. I'm so worthless. I thought what would be the way for me to show how much I love her. But now. I figure it out.

I'm so worthless. That the only way I can love someone. Is by leaving them!

It hurts. But I love her. So I won't continue cursing her with me. I will bless her, instead. I will bless her with my leaving.

I will be happy for her. I'll leave her with a smile.

It hurts so much. But it's alright. I'll be strong enough for this. I should just distract myself with other things. I'm easily distracted, after all.

I used to have some interests before I met Xena. Time for me to go back to that. Time for me to get back to my roots.

I gratified myself with calling me a storyteller. She asked me today what I would do without her. She asked me about a future without her. Because she wants me gone?

I was so opposed. I didn't want a future without her. But it looks like this is what I'll have.

I was opposed. But I answered. Stupid. I said that I want to be a bard. Because this is what I wanted before I met her.

So now... if I can't have her... then I should at least try and get some second-best thing. Fulfilll some other dream of mine.

Do anything other than feel what I'm feeling now.

I don't really want that now. I'm not in the mood for anything right now. But I'll try and get that. I'll try and become a bard. As my consolation.

I don't want a future without her. Wha I really want is a future with Xena. But if I can't have that. Then let's be a bard, I guess. Whatever. Which way to Athens?

Right now we'll separate. She will go on her way to her own happiness. Her own happiness without me.

And I will go my own way, alone. Alone to live a life without her.

It hurts. But I'll be strong. I will protect her happiness. I will protect her from myself.

Right now we'll separate. I'll be strong enough for this. I won't cry. I'll say goodbye while smiling!

It's so hard. But I need to do this. I mus I need to be stong for this.

If this is what she wants. Then I'll be strong enough for her. If she wants me to gone. Then I'll get gone. I'll be strong enough to make her happy. I'll make her happy the only way I know how. By removing myself.

It hurts so much. But I'll endure. I love her so I'll leave her.

But it hurts so much. I don't think that I can stand it. How much I wish that she just wanted me with her.

Their kissing stops. FINALLY. And then she breaks apart from him. And turns sway from him... and turns toward me.

So this is it. My cue to leave.

She walks from him. She walks to me!

I look at her with fear. Is she coming to me... so she could say goodbye?

The moment of truth. Now she'll say we'll travel together now. With them two in love. And me as their third wheel.

And with this. I'll know I have to leave.

Is this the end? So this is how I die?

I look at her with fear. I'm fearing Xena. I'm fearing the future. I'm doing everything I'm not supposed to. I think I'm broken. My strength is leaving me. I think I'm shaking.

She goes from him toward me. This is pain, this is torture. Xena is going toward me, and I'm in pain. I see Xena and I'm in pain. What is this feeling. Xena is both my blessing and my curse. She is my life and she is my doom. What is this duality? I can't figure it out.

She goes to me. Now she'll say the cursed words. Now my life will separate into before and after. I prepare myself for the hit. And then. The cursed words. They come st me.

"Let's go." She says.

... What?

... What is happening? I don't understand.

Let's go? She means... with me? The two of us?

Let's go? Together?

She... isn't choosing him? This is not goodbye?

I look at the two men in disbelief. They are staying behind and looking at us with goodbye.

Does this mean that Xena... wants to go with me?

She leaves him for me?

Xena... chooses me?

...

I can't believe this. This happiness. It's too much. I nearly crumble. Xena chooses me! I'll have her! We won't separate!

She doesn't want me gone!

She still wants me there!

WE WILL BE TOGETHER! ! !

And just like that. We leave. We leave in disbelief. The men stay behind. Hercules and some old guy.

And as I mentally celebrate. An ugly thought creeps inside my head.

And as I look back at them with happiness. Suddenly. I catch myself.

... Why?

Why would she choose me?

Why would she ever want me?

Right now. She was kissing him. The one she should be together with. Her soulmate, her equal. Her other half. The second-strongest hero after her own self.

The one she obviously wants and loves.

And yet... she leaves him and is leaving together with me? Why?

Why would she ever want me?

She loves him. And yet she chooses me. Why? Just why?

Hey. If Xena loves Hercules... then why is she separating from him?

The two of them are cearly made for each other. They're two halves of one whole. They're perfect together, they match in every way. It's like they're two versions of the same being. They obviously belong together.

If they were together, then they would be happy.

And yet... they separate.

... Why?

Why does Xena... separate from the one she loves?

Hercules. He's not as great as Xena but he's great.

And me. I'm nothing.

Why would she ever choose me instead of him?

If he is great... if he is good to her... and if I love her...

Then I would want her to have him instead of me.

If I loved her. Then I would want to get gone myself.

I wondered why they split before. They're splitting now. Why? I know why. I don't know why they split the first time, but I know this time.

They're splitting because of me!

They're each other half, they're soulmates. And yet they split because of me. I am their separator. I am the ruiner of love.

Why. I don't get it. ... No. I don't WANT to get it. I want to look the other way. I know the thought is too painful. I don't wanna think it. I don't wanna see it. I know that if I see it... then I can't look the other way again.

If I just look the other way and forget the whole thing. Then the two of us could be happy together! We will just continue as we were before.

Lonely Xena and happy me. Xena who is with me yet still alone.

And she's alone because... I'm worthless. I can't provide for her in any way. All I do is take her happiness from her. All I do is make her miserable.

I do all that. And I'm happy about it. Xena's miserable and I'm happy. Xena's misery is my happiness. I'm the most selfish, most horrible being in the world. I'm grotesque. I'm disgusted with myself. How do I live?

I will not be that anymore. I've decided to be strong. Strong for her. Because I want her to be happy. So I'll be strong enough for this, too.

I will not look the other way. I will think the thought. I will sacrifice myself for Xena.

Xena sacrifices herself for others. So I'll sacrifice myself for her.

So. What is it. The terrifying thought. The one I fear.

Why does Xena separate from Hercules? Why does she separate from the one she loves?

Why does she choose me instead of him?

She could have him. But she chooses me. Why?

What is it about me. That makes her choose to turn away from her own happiness? And walk toward misery with me?

What is it about me that makes her deny love and happiness to herself?

I know the answer. The terrifying answer that I don't want to see.

... There is only one thing. There is only one thing I am, only one thing I have.

I am one thing only.

The only thing I am. ... Is worthless.

I can't do anything. I'm just worthless in every way.

And yet... she walks away from him and towards me.

Me who can't do anything. Me who drags her down all the way. Me who can only bring her trouble, bring her shame.

Why is she... tarnishing herself with me, like this?

She can do better.

That she would choose me, means... Means one thing only. Means that she doesn't know what's good for her.

That means... if I love her... then I should leave her!

...

It hurts. The thought hurts.

How do I live. If I don't have Xena with me?

What am I without Xena?

I was nothing before I met her. I stayed nothing when with her. I'll keep being nothing even after we split up.

Nothing is all I'll ever be.

And yet. And yet. And yet.

And yet, she chooses me!

I used to wonder why they split before. I still don't know.

But this time. I know. I know why they split this time. They split because of me. They are in love, and they want to be together. But they are not together. They go their separate ways. And the reason for that... is me.

All I do is drag her down. She should dump me! And yet she doesn't leave me. Even when leaving me is better for her. She cannot.

What this means... what I am to her... is I'm her curse.

The reason Xena can't have her love is me. I deny her happiness.

I am her curse.

And yet she chooses me!

I take from her those things she wants. I take her happiness away from her. I am her curse.

If I love her then I'll leave her. But I can't do that. I'm just too selfish.

I can't just leave her. I'm not strong enough for that.

I can't imagine my life without Xena.

So this means... I'll continue cursing her. I'll continue condemning her to misery with me.

It hurts. Breathing hurts. Living hurts.

How much I wish. That I could grow.

How much I wish that I could become more.

I wish I wasn't nothing.

I wish I was a little thing. A little something.

Xena is my happiness. And I am her curse.

Xena is my happiness. And yet I'm miserable.

Hey. It was just earlier today that I thought. "I'm very happy" but "very happy" isn't what I usually say. Why?

I wonder. And now I know. I'm not very happy at all. Being with Xena is my happiness. But not only. It is also a kind of misery.

She takes me with her but doesn't let me help. She can do anything but doesn't teach me anything that matters. She is the most glorious being in the world but she doesn't help me reach her level. She doesn't help me grow.

She deserves love and friendship so much but she doesn't really let us become friends. She hides things from me. She tells me nothing. She keeps me at bay.

She deserves love so much but she doesn't really want me to love her.

Just what am I to Xena? What are we to each other? Why does she take me with her if she wants nothing to do with me? She's kinda freaky. What's wrong with her? Is she sick?

Hey. "Earlier today", hm? Why does that feel like that was a week ago? This day is kinda neverending.

And so we go. Together. A hero and her tagalong.

She wants him. She loves him. And yet she goes with me. And yet I let her go with me. And yet I let her suffer.

I love her. And that's why I make her suffer.

She sacrifices everything for me. And yet all I ever do, is hurt her.

And yet we walk away together. And with every step I take. ... I am betraying Xena.

She is my life, she is my everything. And my every step, every breath. Is me betraying her.

And yet she goes with me. I can't help in any way, yet still Xena takes me with her. Why? Why would she entertain someone who is only bad to her?

Maybe Xena is a weirdo, too. If I'm a weirdo for loving Xena... then maybe Xena is also a weirdo for taking me with her? Maybe I'm her weird habit? Maybe we are both weirdos together?

Maybe she also dreams about us naked, too?

Nah, can't be. I'm the only one weird like that.

And so we go. Together. A hero and her curse.

I hate my life. I can't bear it anymore.

I cannot stand another moment being nothing, anymore.

I must. I NEED. I need to grow. I need to learn. I need to become better.

She started teaching me. But it's not enough. I want more. I *need* more.

I NEED SO MUCH MORE I'M DESPERATE! ! !

This life cannot continue.

I cannot be lesser to her bigger. Not for another day. I can't stand it.

I need a miracle.

Please! Someone! Anyone! Please give me a miracle!

And I can't even pray to the gods. They're all trash. I hate them! Let's just overthrow them! Now!

What do I do. If I don't have anyone I could pray to?

I wish there was a god. A god that would care. That would listen and care what happens to us mere mortals.

It's so hard to live without gods.

But I'll still pray. Please, universe. Please, if anyone is listening. Anyone!

Please, give me a chance to grow.

Please give me an opportunity.

I really need a chance of any kind.

A chance for me to stop being nothing, and to become more.

If any chance at all will come my way. I'll take it all, without blinking.

I'll do anything. So I could become one that Xena should love.

I will do it all.

I can't do anything by myself. I can't help anyone in any way. All I ever do, is enburden others with me. I probably couldn't survive a day without help.

That's why Xena chooses me. That's why she's denying happiness to herself.

Because I'm helpless. Because I need her.

She is so good, that she denies happiness to herself.

And I'm so bad, that I take her happiness from her.

All I ever am. Is her misery.

And not just her. This isn't new. I wasn't helpful to anyone in my village, either.

No matter where I go. No matter what I do. I remain worthless. I remain as nothing.

And just now. I'm nothing so much. That I made Xena deny her own happiness, for my sake.

This is intolerable, this is unbearable.

I am the single most worthless being in the universe. I make everybody miserable next to me.

I've lived all my life like this.

I can't bear it. I can't stand being worthless. Not for another moment.

I will obtain a value. I will be helpful.

Xena won't teach me. Because she doesn't believe in me. And she's right? Who would ever believe in me?

So I'll have to do it on my own.

The first opportunity I see. I'll take it.

Anything. I'll do anything. Anything at all.

I will get a value. At any cost.

""""""""""

XENA

""""""""""

And so we go. The world is beautiful. Life is good. I'm happy.

This is a good day. Actually. This has been a very long day. Still no twilight. Still midday.

...

The gods broke more than just the healing, didn't they? They broke the day and night cycle too, haven't they? This single day has been lasting for like a week now. When are we going to sleep?

I said "leave this place if I don't come back by sunset" before. But it looks like the sunset is never coming. Good thing that I came back. I nearly cursed her into waiting out there for all eternity for that sunset which is never coming. Damn them gods.

Gabrielle. I thought we wouldn't stay together for long.

But it looks like we'll stay together just a little longer.

Now we have time. Now we can grow. Now we can have more.

I'm so happy that I have you. You are my life, you are my meaning.

And now I have two goals.

First I check on my son. Is he still alive? Have I killed him?

Then I bring Gabrielle to Athens. Two goals!

Good thing the two destinations are far apart. We could spend forever traveling back and forth between them.

And then again, right now I'm fighting crime. I'm chasing after every criminal I see. I take so many detours, I may never reach Athens at this rate!

... Good. More time together.

This feels so good.

I thought I'd die. But now I wanna live. And I want to enjoy my life.

Gabrielle. We were given more time. Time enough to do something meaningful before we separate.
We were given time. And now I'll dispell my biggest regret. I'll fulfill my dream. I'll fulfill my goal. I will give her something good. I will bring her somewhere nice.

I will help her become a bard.

Her time with me will not be for nothing. I will give her something. I'll make sure of that.

What a good day. Any day is good when I have you. I love the sound of your voice. I wish the whole world, the whole humanity could hear the sound of your voice. I'll make sure that you become a bard.

Oh. That reminds me. It's kind of quiet.

Gabrielle is being uncharacteristically quiet. Hey, what's up?