Don't Hide Your Pain
It was a calm day in December and Ren Amamiya found himself overcome with a sense of nostalgia for the attic of all things. As he ascended the stairs he thought to himself how warm and inviting his room had become, how it had once been merely a place to crash, riddled with dust and lumpy sacks of coffee beans, and even how beautiful it looked at a certain time of day. But the sight that greeted him as he reached the top of the stairs was in his eyes, far more beautiful. For there stood Makoto Niijima in the middle of attic pacing back and forth, reading a book no larger than her hand. The glow of the sunset washed over her, enrobing her in its golden light. She looked up from her reading and smiled at him in greeting. Ren sighed wistfully, waltzed over, and embraced her from behind.
"Ren?"
He nuzzled her neck. "Mmm. I'm just really happy right now, being with you like this. Is that weird?"
He was being completely sincere which made her blush all the more.
"If that's considered weird then I guess that makes me weird too." she mumbled.
With a low chuckle, Ren dipped her and leaned in close enough for his bangs to drift over hers.
"I thought you called a meeting for me."
"I did. I planned it a little later, and came a little earlier."
He brought her back up. "Smart."
"I thought you'd say that." she giggled, hugging his side.
Ren gasped softly or rather, Makoto thought she heard his breath hitch. But before she could process his reaction any further, his hands came around her shoulders and he parted them gently.
"Someone's here already. My bet's on Futaba." he quipped with a smooth wink.
...
It was in the middle of their Phantom Thief meeting that Ren realized the calm he had ascribed to this wintry day was merely the calm before the storm. He sat there motionless while his friends chatted away. Futaba called everyone to gather around and played a video clip.
"I say the real problem is the attitude of the police and the government! Because of their negligence and cowardice, they've allowed these so-called Phantom Thieves, these rebels, these insurrectionists who dare call themselves allies of justice, to roam free and take the law into their own hands! Target whom they will! My justice will not stand for this, if my name isn't Masayoshi Shido! We must unite under a new administration! One that comes together across party lines to create an ideal nation for all, if we are to bring about the dawn of a new Japan! Brethren, the time to act is NOW!"
"Can you believe this guy?" Ryuji spat. "What a loser!"
"Ooh, they're flaming away in the chat." Futaba muttered, scrolling and typing away.
"The other half thinks it's hilarious." Makoto remarked with disdain.
"Ugh. Just listen to all the crap he's spouting about us." Ann scoffed, as the clip continued to play. "I can't believe the public's eating it up. It's kinda creepy don't you think?"
"Disturbing to say the least." said Makoto, nodding in agreement.
"Madarame was a shrewd con artist, but Shido is on an entirely different level…" Yusuke sighed dejectedly, leaning against the wall like a limp scarecrow. "With just one word, he made the Phantom Thieves go from heroes to criminals in the eyes of the public."
Makoto clenched her fists, but kept her tone calm. "It's a common technique to manipulate the masses. Distract the people from the real issues by placing the blame on a common enemy. In this case, it's us."
"Oh, oh, oh. So, it's never about the terrible thing we were caught doing. It's about attacking the people who caught us doing it!" Ryuji huffed sarcastically and thrust his arm out in annoyance.
Morgana's tail bristled. "That man is clearly a pro at telling people what they want and making them want it. I bet he's got a guy who knows mob psychology."
"It's practically brainwashing…" bemoaned Haru.
"If there's a cognitive psience, is there a cognitive psi-chology?" mused Yusuke.
Futaba balled her fists. "That bastard took cognitive psience and weaponized it! Damn him! Mom's research wasn't made to hurt people!"
Morgana hopped into her lap and looked up at her resolutely. Futaba lowered her hands and patted his head. "Don't worry Mona, I'm fine."
When Futaba unclenched her other fist, Morgana faced around to address the Thieves. "Futaba's right. That's why we absolutely cannot, will not let that power-hungry politician become prime minister! He's the one behind all the mental shutdowns!"
"Not just to save our lives but everyone in Japan too!" Ann exclaimed.
"Yes, we must defeat Shido and open the people of this nations' eyes." Yusuke murmured gravely.
The Thieves nodded in unison and uttered varying degrees of affirmation.
"We're gonna take his Treasure, no matter what!" Ryuji shouted, pumping his fist.
Makoto rose from her seat and looked each of her friends in the eye.
"As I'm sure you all know, the importance of this particular card is unlike any that's come before. Once we send it, our opponents will know that Joker, who they presumed is dead, is in fact still alive. We will be putting our backs to the wall."
"If we lose, our lives will truly be over..." Yusuke mulled.
"We can't let that happen! We have to prevent Shido's rise to power!" cried Haru, even as her body slouched in her chair. "Even though more than half the nation blindly supports him… and election day is in less than a week…"
"But we have to do it. Right? Even if - even if everyone turns against us and they don't understand we're trying to save them…"
Ann trailed off and chewed on her lip. Futaba sat hunched over her knees, biting her lip as well. Makoto's brow creased with worry.
Yusuke had murmured the consequences as a matter-of-fact observation without dourness or his usual obliviousness, but the gravity of the situation had sunk in because it was said aloud. No one wanted to weigh down the heavy atmosphere further with the fears that weighed down their hearts. No one wanted to ask how low the percentage was on the Phan-site polls. Or how it felt like they were the only ones left with any sense, or what would happen if Shido won the election regardless of a successful change of heart.
"What a counter-productively FUTILE charade this is!" Yusuke wailed, throwing his hands in the air. "When will they shatter their shackles of ignorance to transcend the bane of their self-inflicted miser-"
Yusuke stopped short and looked around the room upon seeing the blank stares of his friends.
"Translation: WHEN WILL THEY STOP BEING STUPID, CRAZY, DUMB JERKS?!"
"Thank you, Futaba."
"No prob, Inari."
Ryuji made a sputtering noise which erupted into hearty laughter causing everyone else to join in.
"For real! 'Sides, we ain't doing this for the popularity." He threw an arm around his best friend's shoulder. "He screwed Ren over, so Mr. Phony Politician Man can pretty much suck it."
Ren smirked and nodded at each one of his friends.
"We'll just do what we do best. Business as usual. Right, guys?"
They all returned his nod with their own. Futaba in particular gave a most emphatic nod, wearing a determined frown on her face, framed by two raised fists. Ren could tell she was planning something big.
"Alright. Let's do whatever we can between now and the time we send the Calling Card to prepare ourselves emotionally and mentally. If that means taking some time to freak out to get it out of your system, that's OK."
"No point in freaking out now. A Phantom Thief's gotta do what a Phantom Thief's gotta do. Right?"
Ryuji gave him a thumbs up.
"Plus we kinda just did that." said Ann, sing-song, as she twirled her pigtails.
"What Skull said. We go! Confront the problem! Fight!" Futaba threw up both arms (Morgana leapt away). "Win!"
The leader of the Phantom Thieves stood tall in the middle of the group.
"And win we shall."
There were grins all around. Those who were seated sat up a little straighter. Those who had been leaning against the wall or a chair pushed themselves up and stood upright.
"Hell yeah!" Ryuji cheered. "DOWN WITH SHIDO!"
"Not so loud!" Ann shushed.
"Then it's decided." Morgana resumed his place on the table. "We just need to pick the right time. It goes without saying but we'll leave that up to you, Joker. When you give the word, we'll go."
Ren gave him an affirmative nod.
"I for one, can't wait when we do. I wish I could see the look on his face when he gets it!" cackled the cat.
"Which begs the question, how exactly?" asked Yusuke, folding his arms thoughtfully.
"Yeah, it's not like we can just march up to the Diet Building and say 'Get out here, Shido! We have a little surprise for you!'" said Ryuji, waving an invisible calling card in his hand.
Ann's hand shot up. "I vote we make it super flashy!"
"Ohh! So like, a gigantic calling card? Using poster board!"
"Not exactly…Something bigger. Something that screams 'in-your-face'."
"A bulletin board!"
Futaba shook her head, glasses gleaming, and continued typing furiously on her laptop.
Yusuke shook his head too. "I also think it must be done theatrically. Anything less would only be crushed by Shido's influence. However, we must proceed with caution, first and foremost."
"It looks like we have some idea of the 'how', now what about the 'where'?" Haru hummed.
Ryuji's shark grin grew even more shark-like. His leg jostled in his excitement.
"Any ideas, Leader?"
"Huh?"
Ren blinked slowly, directing a lazy smiled at his friends.
Makoto stepped forward. "Why don't we end things here for today?"
"Y-yeah! I'm pooped!" Futaba stammered, hastily snapping her laptop shut.
"I'm bushed!" Ryuji yelled.
"I'm worn out." Ann chimed in.
"I'm exhausted." Haru sighed.
"I'm beat!" Ryuji shouted.
"I'm spent." Morgana meowed.
"I'm drained…" Yusuke moaned.
"I'm tuckered out." Ann yawned.
"I'm sapped." Futaba groaned.
"Why are we turning this into a word game for the level of tired we're feeling?" Makoto sighed exasperatedly, pressing her index finger to her forehead.
"I'm dead!"
Yusuke once again stopped short, having found himself caught in the blank stares of his friends. He tilted his head.
"Sorry. Too soon?"
Makoto clapped her hands soundly. "Meeting adjourned!"
They yawned, stretched, and made their way downstairs. Futaba balanced her laptop and Morgana in her arms and scampered to Sojiro's house saying she needed to test something pronto.
When everyone had left, Ren casually leaned to one side, pressing his palm against his forehead and massaged it, working his way to the side of his head. The pain began to ebb away but suddenly and violently spiked through his temple. He winced and collapsed blindly into a chair. He gasped but did not allow himself to cry out.
He sensed her presence behind her. Then her cool hands enveloping him.
"I'm okay, Makoto. I'm just a little tired."
"They're all gone now. You can relax, Ren."
She brushed her fingers through his hair. "Please, don't hide your pain. Let me bear it with you."
His eyes cracked open. The last time he tried to hide his pain to spare Makoto from pain ended in disaster. Makoto had broken down from the guilt. But out of that experience, they learned they had to let each other bear what burdens they shouldered, and as a result grew closer.
He sighed. They were still learning.
"Alright." He gingerly laid his head on her shoulder. "Stay here with me for a little? Like this."
"Okay."
Pain pulsed through his head. He squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for it to pass. A groan escaped him and he felt her shudder against him. His body threatened to convulse. He fought against it. The back of his head throbbed. He groaned again and tried to stifle it.
Don't listen. I'm fine.
His face twisted up in pain.
Don't look. I'm fine.
He hissed through gritted teeth. She cradled his head and continued to stroke his hair.
Don't worry. I'm fine.
He stretched his hand out, his fingers clawing, searching for something solid to stabilize himself with. The edge of the table. The table leg. The side of the chair.
Her hand…slipping into his.
They intertwined their fingers and this time Ren was able to take a calm breath and released it slowly. With it, came a small voice from deep within him unbidden:
I need you.
"Mako…to…" he uttered in a strained whisper.
"I'm here." she whispered back. "I'm right here."
As she had always been. Her presence, her touch, cradling him, supporting him, ready to receive him.
Smiling, he rolled his head to the side and rested fully against her chest.
Makoto embraced him softly, sinking her face into his curls.
How strange. I always saw Ren as my pillar of support. I could take refuge in his arms and my anxieties would melt away just like that. But right now, he feels so small, almost…fragile.
You're the strongest man I know, after my father. Both of you are calm and confident, no matter what situation you were in. I wanted to emulate your strength.
And that blinded me.
A quiet sigh passed through her lips.
Oh, why didn't I realize it sooner?
Ren, you always lent your shoulder for everyone to lean on. But who will be that shoulder for you when you need it?
She lifted her face away and passed her hand through his bangs. His forehead was warm but not feverishly warm.
"Worry about yourself more." he murmured.
"This is me worrying about myself." she replied.
He took her hand and gently guided her around where she fell into his embrace.
"You're part of me now, Ren." She laid a hand upon his cheek. "I'm afraid not worrying about you is impossible. It's far too late to ask me not to worry."
"You know I can take care of myself." he said, giving her a lopsided smirk.
"There's more than one way to get hurt, Ren." she replied, with an understanding sigh.
She stroked his cheek as she looked him over.
"You're always telling me I don't have to handle everything on my own. That goes for you too. You being the leader does not mean you shoulder everything. Though I know you try so we don't have to worry about anything…"
Here, she smiled gently and cradled his face with both hands.
"There's something that's been bothering you, hasn't there? Ever since we left Shido's Palace."
His expression froze for an instant. He met her eyes briefly before his gaze drifted towards the couch then back to her. Makoto nodded in response and hand in hand, they moved over to the couch.
...
"This might be our last heist as the Phantom Thieves of Heart." he murmured after some time.
Makoto nodded gravely. "What a way to end it. We're going after the man who ruined your life. And we will bring him to justice."
She observed the way he was hunched over, with his hands folded over his knees. He was deep in thought, she knew. Ren wasn't the most talkative person but this time his silence unsettled her for his grey eyes normally calm, was like a seawall holding back a storm brewing within him.
"What are you feeling right now?"
"Anger."
He clenched his fists. She laid her hands over them.
But not for yourself.
"And some regret. Our friends lost someone close to them because of this man."
"Futaba and Haru."
He nodded wearily and closed his eyes in contemplation. "Akechi."
She retracted her hands and could only manage a small smile. He opened his eyes slowly and locked his fingers, resuming his previous hunched-over pose.
"This is the most danger we've been in. This time it involves all of you…"
"Yes. That's what this meeting was about: to prepare ourselves. We all know the risks, we all know what we're getting into."
He grunted.
She smiled wryly, attempting to keep her tone light. "A wise man once said, 'The man who knows there's a lot at stake is the man you trust to lead you to safety'."
He smirked in spite of himself. Which yakuza film was she quoting?
"I know you'll get us there, Ren. We have trusted you this far and you have not led us astray."
His smirk waned into a smile that died in the eyes before his mouth caught up and drooped. Her heart twinged sharply as though a thin blade had stabbed her there. Had she said the wrong thing?
She mouthed his name as a question, fearing if she said it aloud it would betray her consternation.
His eyes flickered over to her then back on the ground. Makoto pursed her lips as she pondered how she could best support him when he was hurting like this. But first she had to help him voice what was pressing him.
"You think this fight will be different from anything we've faced."
"I know it will be."
"You don't think we can win?" she asked cautiously.
"We have to!"
Makoto flinched.
"We have to." he said more calmly. "For our friends. But I just can't shake the feeling it's gonna cost us. Victory will come at a price."
Her mouth parted slightly and she could only shake her head. He grimaced and gripped a fistful of hair.
"I feel like we blundered our way through that ship. We managed to get through with luck more than skill. If his mental defenses could turn us into helpless mice, then what else is his Palace capable of? What is he capable of? We're so close to the end and…and…"
She nodded, waiting for him to continue. He hung his head, staring at his upturned palms.
"I..."
He shut his eyes. "I don't know."
In a tired, broken voice he uttered, "I don't know what's going to happen."
He felt her take his hands.
"That's all right, Ren. We may not know what will happen when we set foot on that ship again, but what we can do now is work this out. Together. Didn't you tell me something similar when we were in Sis's Palace?"
"Yeah… But…"
He smiled weakly. He pulled his hands out her grasp and went back to gripping his hair.
"I-I know it's stupid to worry about the what-ifs and worst case scenarios at this point... I just didn't want them to see me like this. They already have enough to worry about. If I don't have it together, then it'll affect them too and I can't… I'm sorry, Makoto. I don't know what's wrong with me today." he sighed in frustration.
"Nothing's wrong with you, Ren." she said, perhaps a little too quickly. "You just have a lot on your mind. It can't be helped…"
Because this time it's someone who's affected you personally. You can't help it. Just like how I couldn't when it came to Sis.
That's why…
"You just-" she began.
But Ren wasn't really listening. He blinked and blinked again, driving away what dark thoughts shadowed his face.
"If I lost any one of you…"
"That includes you." she said firmly. "You're not going in there alone."
She clutched his hand, scrunching her eyes shut.
"Not again…"
Ren laid his hand over hers, linking their hands once more. "No. I need you, all of you."
His bangs drifted over his eyes.
"All of you…This is the most I've ever asked of you guys."
His lips had barely moved and his voice was barely above a whisper, but she heard him. He did not react to her speaking his name but continued to stare ahead, his sight unfocused. He could feel his mind clouding over, spreading to his vision. Her hand tensed up between his. He blinked and through the fog, his sight fell on their joined hands.
Makoto bit the side of her mouth. Was this where he would raise his head, give her an ordinary smile like things were suddenly fine, apologize for keeping her this late and for saying something dumb, and walk her to the station? And then would he collapse into bed, hide beneath the covers, alone, where his doubts and fears were free to plague him between his waking and dreaming?
Was she about to let it happen?
Her free hand curled into a fist. She carefully slipped her hand out of his and placed both of her hands on his shoulders.
"Was that what today was about? Were you thinking of giving us a chance to back out? We're not just Phantom Thieves, we have other people to think of. So you'd understand and you wouldn't think any less of us?" she asked, keeping her voice soft and gentle.
His mouth formed a thin line.
"I can understand why. I'd think the same way. Futaba has Sojiro-san. Ann has Suzui-san. Haru has…to see that her father's associates take care of his company properly. Ryuji has his mother. Yusuke...mmm, at the very least, has us. The same goes for Morgana. And I, have my sister. So if there was some way I could take it all on to protect them…"
Ren gasped softly, as her words resonated with him, like a compass pointing him back. Makoto shook her head and smiled to herself.
"But, Ren, you should know there's one more person were all thinking of when we unanimously decided to steal that corrupt politician's heart." she continued with the same gentleness in her voice. "We're going. No matter what happens, we're with you."
He lifted his eyes to see hers gazing into his, reflecting warmth and love.
"Because we care about you, Ren. This is our fight too."
He swallowed a lump forming in his throat. He felt both of her hands slip into his again. His eyes followed that sensation and he found himself gazing at the hands he was holding. Her hands, keeping him tethered to reality.
That's right. This is who I want to protect. Makoto, my friends, everyone who's supported me…
I haven't found all the answers but I know the reason I wield these powers has gone beyond 'it wasn't a mistake'.
In his heart of hearts, Arsène's laughter rumbled with approval amid rattling chains. But his heart remained steady as the smiling faces of his friends came to mind.
So I'll fight. Not against my imagined fears, but for you. All of you.
"Thank you, Makoto." He squeezed her hand. "I'll be counting my strategist to get us out of trouble."
"Of course. So lead us like you always do. I'll back you up."
"Yeah."
Ren sighed, like he was unwinding after a long day at school. He rolled his neck one way, then the other. Makoto watched him with a smile on her face, now that he was more relaxed.
"Sorry - or rather, thanks for worrying about me." he said, rubbing his neck sheepishly.
"No, I, if I've been any help to you… I was happy to." she mumbled equally sheepish, reaching for some loose strands of hair and smoothed them into place.
He chuckled warmly at the familiar beats of such conversation.
"So, Makoto is there something you're worried about?"
She lowered her hand. "Don't take this the wrong way but Ren, how do you think you'll act once you confront him face to face? After all, he's why you're…"
"Aww, he's probably forgotten all about me." He leaned back and rolled his neck. "That'll be the best part. The 'damn brat' he thought he got rid of returns as an avenger. He'll never see it coming."
"Now I understand. You, playing the fool to hide a warrior's pain."
"Eh?"
"You're not as mysterious as you think you are, Ren." she said, smiling wryly.
"Maybe I am… Or maybe you've been watching one too many yakuza movies." he shot back wryly.
"Never."
The corners of their mouth twitched, which grew into grins, which broke into laughter, sincere laughter that hadn't been heard since the chill of winter came.
...
"After we talked through our worries, my heart feels lighter." She placed one hand over her chest. Her other hand formed a loose fist which hovered near her chin contemplatively. "It's like this weight I've been carrying this whole time has finally fallen off my chest."
Ren smiled, watching the way her back and shoulders relaxed as she exhaled slowly, as though there really had been a large invisible burden that had just rolled off her back, and she was now breathing freely. The sight put his heart at ease and he could feel the tension in his own back and shoulders ebbing away.
"Is that right?"
"Yes." she replied with a relieved smile.
His hand capped her loose fist, lowering it slightly. He leaned in and gently pressed his lips to hers. She held still. When he pulled back she looked him over again cautiously. He gave her a reassuring smile.
"It's better now."
"That's good."
"But it still stings a little."
"Just a little?"
"Yeah."
"Then…"
Makoto slid onto his lap. Her hands found their place on his shoulders. She tilted her face down and he raised his to meet her.
She laughed quietly. "I think we can stick with this for the time being. Until you've healed up."
"I don't know if I can wait that long. I'm more impatient than you think." he murmured, eyes glinting mischievously.
"But you're also good at adapting. It won't be long before you find a way to properly enjoy this." She traced his bottom lip with one finger. "Or maybe you already have."
He smirked lightly before he took her in his arms and embraced her deeply. "This is how I wanted to hold you. I made you bear so much on your own."
She rested her head on his shoulder and stroked his back. "I'm better now. And so are you, right?"
He ran his fingers through her hair, where it was softest. "Thank you, Makoto for all you do. I can't say it enough."
She allowed herself a moment to sink into his chest, taking in the soothing feeling of his fingers stroking her hair. She smiled as she felt him nuzzle her hair, treasuring this moment of quiet respite.
We're talking like we usually do. If not for the election's deadline hanging over our heads, this would feel like normal.
No, we can't relax just yet.
She slowly lifted her head from his shoulder. His hands trailed after her, cradling her face. She held them there, shutting her eyes, feeling her eyelids burn.
Though I said we'd stop Shido in the name of justice, all I want, all I care about, is for things to be made right for Ren.
If we successfully change his heart, he'll have to clear Ren's name! Won't he?
"Makoto? Are you okay?"
She brought his hands down and pressed them together. "They're a little dry. Your hands."
"Oh. Yeah, sorry. Lemme use that hand cream you brought me."
He bounded over to his bed and swiped a small jar off the windowsill.
"Hmm. Looks like I'm out."
"I have some."
She was already rummaging through her bag as though she had anticipated it.
Classic Makoto.
She walked over to where he sat and held it out to him.
"Here. Use it."
He merely tilted his head.
"Do you need me to open it for you?" she asked, frowning slightly.
She uncapped the jar and held it out to him again. This time, he patted the spot in front of him. With a puzzled expression, she slowly seated herself on the bed, keeping the jar balanced in her fingertips. In one smooth motion, he swiped a glob of cream on his fingertips, grabbed her hand, and began slathering it over her palm.
"Hey! That's for you-!" she protested. "Ren-!"
"About a month ago," he murmured heavily, causing her heart to skip a beat. "I couldn't move my hands like this. Everything hurt."
Makoto shuddered and bit her lip. He gently held her hands in place, before circling her palms with his thumbs.
"That's why I'm glad I can do this. It may be something as simple as putting lotion on your hands, but I can bend my fingers how I want. My joints don't hurt. The numbness is gone. I can actually feel your hands."
"Numbness? In your hands?" she repeated quietly.
She thought back to the week he spent recovering after the interrogation. The first few days, she had taken the utmost care to treat his injuries with the lightest touch, lest she cause him any more pain. When Ren extended his hand towards her, telling her it was okay, she was also careful to grasp it lightly in hers. But now that she knew his hands were numb to her touch as well back then…
"Yeah. Right here, and along here." He massaged her fingertips and down each joint. His fingernails lightly grazed her palm.
"For the longest time they were bruised and swollen. The swelling went down eventually but I couldn't really feel anything. My senses were off. It felt weird, like I was wearing gloves all the time. Or a second layer of skin?" He shrugged. "When they weren't numb thanks to the painkillers, they burned. When the burning subsided, it just hurt like a bunch of needles were constantly pricking me. I couldn't hold anything for long because my fingers were so sensitive. It took a long time before I felt like I was normal again. Yeah, normal."
He stopped there, mouthing the word as if recalling from memory a long disused word. A smile played upon his lips as he massaged the last bit of hand cream into her hands. His thumbs passed over her knuckles. Then back again, tracing over each bump. Carefully. Tenderly.
She could feel her body sinking down on his bed, hoping he wouldn't stop until her hands were the same temperature as his. The thought made her ears prickle red. She suddenly felt self-conscious and she was certain Ren was bound to notice.
"You must have a good metabolism." she blurted out.
"Hmm?"
"B-because your hands are always warm. Compared to mine… I'm sorry my hands are cold." she mumbled, looking down.
"They felt nice on my forehead." he said simply.
He lifted both of her hands and pressed them to his cheek.
"To me, they're just right. These hands that cared for me all through that week, when I had to lay low."
Then he bowed his head and kissed the center of her palms. After a moment, he raised his head and gave her a smile that was as warm and gentle as the timbre of his voice. Makoto could feel her heart float and settle into his tenderness, his affection. The feeling enveloped her and graced her cheeks with a light, healthy blush. She smiled back.
"Thanks for listening. And waiting it out with me."