Chapter 2:

Sam came to slowly. He kept his eyes closed at first, it was the one sense he could keep under control momentarily. He could hear traffic outside first then he could hear breathing in the room next to him. It was Dean's breathing; Sam would recognize it anywhere and it made him feel safe.

He clenched his fists and felt the rough fabric of the hotel linen beneath his fingers. That was familiar too. He had slept in enough motel rooms to know there was nothing he needed to worry about. Then lastly Sam forced open his gummy eyes. The room was still dark, the only light coming from under the cracked bathroom door. Dean had always needed complete darkness to sleep restfully, so Sam knew that was done for him. It didn't surprise him that his brother had noticed he didn't like to wake up in the dark, the older man would notice anything that changed with Sam.

Sam swallowed before pushing himself up in the bed, swinging his legs over the side and onto the carpet. That first movement caused a jolt of lightning to go through his head and he gasped lightly. It was just a headache from the whiskey, but for a moment the pain caused Sam to panic. He reached behind himself for the spare blanket that he knew would be there and wrapped it around himself protecting himself from the phantom chill he felt.

Drinking made him feel better in the moment. He understood for the first time why his father and Dean drank. He understood why they would chase that numbness. For just a few hours he could put a band aid on the problem. But the next morning when he woke up, he felt even worse.

He sniffed pathetically and realized some tears had fallen from his eyes. He pushed his fists into his eyes trying to will them to stop but they wouldn't. This was new, he had never woken up and burst into tears.

"Sammy..." Dean whispered from the other bed causing Sam to flinch violently.

Dean sighed and made his way over to Sam, pulling a chair up from the table to sit directly in front of his brother. He watched for a few moments as Sam curled down into the blanket pushing his blanket covered hands further into his eyes which just caused Sam to cry harder.

"I'm sorry." Sam whispered.

"You don't need to be sorry... just please Sam talk to me."

"No chick flick moments."

Dean scoffed.

"It isn't like that Sam. You are in pain, and I just want to help you. I didn't say anything at first, because I thought that maybe it would go away on its own. The first time scared me but then you were fine on the next hunt. And when it happened again, I figured you just needed some time. But it's not getting better. So now I need you to let me try and help you."

Both brothers were quiet for the next few moments, but Dean could see that Sam was trying to think of what to say. He would just have to wait his brother out.

"I know it doesn't make any sense after so long... but I can feel it Dean. After everything, when I have time to think about... about The Cage...I can feel all the cracks left behind. And it hurts. And it's not a physical pain, I think its wounds left in my soul and they can't close up. I can't explain it more than that."

Dean nodded and leaned closer to Sam, still ensuring he wasn't touching him.

"Did I hurt you when I grabbed your shoulder last night?"

"You didn't hurt me Dean. It just hurts... everything hurts."

"What hurt about it?"

"Just... touch. Feels like I am being electrocuted sometimes."

"Yeah I remember what that's like."

Sam scoffed.

"Sure... but you got over it... I didn't."

"It's not that I got over it Sammy. I just learned to manage it. There is a lot more that you need to manage then I ever did."

Sam wiped his eyes and glared at his brother.

"No, I don't want to talk about this... you were NEVER this bad. I don't want to compare trauma and find out how weak I am. Especially when I deser-"

"Stop. Do not say you deserved it. I don't know what the cage is like, but I know torture. No one deserves that. So, stop talking about this like it's some kind of penance. You don't deserve to suffer forever."

Sam swallowed against his tears, and ever so slowly scooted closer to the edge of the bed. Just enough so his knees could press steadily into Deans. He felt the shooting pain he had felt the night before, but after a few moments all he felt was the calming presence of his stone number one.

"I don't know how to get past this. I feel fine and then out of nowhere it's like I can't function."

Dean laughed softly and looked at his brother.

"Kid, you have no idea how strong you are do you?"

"What?"

"You hunted for so long with that wall in your head, hallucinations, nightmares. You kept it together when we needed you. I fell apart when I came back from Hell. What you did took strength. It's okay if it catches up to you every once in a while. You aren't weak and you aren't failing. But I think I may have failed you."

"You didn't fail me Dean."

Dean sighed.

"I used to have one job, take care of Sammy. And I was good at it for a long time. But as our job got more complicated, and more people needed us, I pushed it to the wayside. It was still my job, but I wasn't as good at it anymore."

"Dean-"

"Just let me say this okay? I let you jump-And I know that the old Dean wouldn't have done that. And I'm not saying I want to be him either, okay? I know how important it is to you to be your own man. I'm just saying that maybe... we can find some middle ground again because the Dean that tried to raise you on Lucky Charms and stolen Christmas presents? He would kick my ass for letting this go this far."

Sam smiled at the memories.

"You can't take my Hell on for me Dean."

"No, but I can take the booze away and make you face it. The drinking and passing out? That's not you kid. It's gotta stop."

"It helps."

"No it doesn't. You still have the same nightmares as always. The only difference is I can't wake you up from them."

"Wait, what?"

"I know what happens when you wake up from a binge Sammy. You come to, and you are in pain, and you feel the fire and the heat. You have to take a few minutes to convince yourself you are here. That only happens when you drink and it's because you can't wake up from the nightmares."

Sam thought back to his last few binges. It felt good to be numb while he was awake, but his brother was right. When he passed out drunk, he woke up slowly and painfully like he was crawling out of the cage. At least when he was sober, he would jolt out of his nightmares quickly.

"How'd you know that?"

"Well one, I know what your nightmares are like and I can tell the difference. Two, the same thing used to happen to me. My soul came back with its own scars kid."

Sam sighed and laid back down on the bed. It's not like he didn't know Dean had come back different from Hell, but for the first time he wondered if his brother felt his own soul pains. He couldn't bring himself to ask.

"What time is it?" Sam asked.

Dean glanced at his watch.

"Bout quarter to six. Why?"

"I'm gonna go take a shower, then I think we should go and get some breakfast."

Dean smiled; they had a way to go but somehow, he knew Sam was going to be okay.

"I'll pack the car."

Dean gave Sam a quick pat on the knee and let his little brother get up. Just before Sam walked into the bathroom he turned around with a shy expression on his face.

"Hey Dean?"

"Yeah Sammy."

"If you knew then what you know now... if you knew how hard it was going to be to recover from. Would you... Would you still..."

"Spit it out."

"Do you regret selling your soul for me?"

Sam looked so vulnerable, and Dean took a second to answer. He thought of his own torture, the souls he tortured. He thought of Sam's betrayals with the demon blood. He thought of Heaven, Hell, Angels, Demons, Michael, Lucifer. He thought of his own nightmares, and his own broken soul.

He stood and waited for Sam to look him in the eye.

"Not for one damn second."