Disclaimer: I do not, in any way, claim ownership to Hook, OUAT, the Addams Family, MCU, Grimm, or Harry Potter. They belong to their respective creators, no matter how terrible some may be. I do not get any monetary gain, this is purely my mind playing in the sandbox they created.
In the skull shaped, elegant quarters of Captain J. Hook, said pirate captain was lamenting while Smee listened on. "Oh I should claw myself with my own Hook, Smee. Not to kill Pan? When I had the chance? What have I done-WHAT have I done Smee? Agree to a preposterous plan, an absurd war. Now I'm BOUND by my indefatigable Good Form to wait!"
Smee made his way to the banquet table. "I'll fetch you a nice plate." He licked his lips and rubbed his hands as he looked at all the food. "Wait?!" Hook demanded rhetorically. "Wait for what? He is, and he will always be, a Fat, Old, Pan."
Smee smacked on food, spitting out bits while Hook ranted. "Oh I hate being disappointed Smee, and I hate living in this flawed body, and I hate living in Neverland, and I hate-I Hate-I HATE Peter Pan!" Taking a bite out of a doughnut and sneaking with his mouthful, Smee commented, "What about 'is brat, Captain? The one 'e 'ad with 'him? Eh?"
"What about him Smee? He's just a child, quick witted and sharp in tongue and blade, I'll give the lad that, but he can't even fly Smee. He's just a child." Hook scowled as he leaned back into his chairs, caressing his hook. Truthfully he had no idea what to think about young Harry, he remained him of his father, that much was true, but he was too inexperienced to be a true challenge and advisory like Pan had been in his youth.
Suddenly, the Captain came to a conclusion. "Smee... I've just had a sublime vision. All the jagged parts of my life have come together to form a complete and mystical... Hole..." Smee munched on a leg of mutton as he came closer. "An epiphany." Hook said, looking over at Smee.
Smee swallowed. "An epiffy what?" Hook smirked, before giving a full grin. "My life is over." "Does that mean you've lost yer appetite?" Smee asked. Hook just nodded, his smile dimming. "Yes. Goodbye." Hook stood and turned, heading towards a cupboard. Smee looked at him in alarm. "Wh- are you getting dramatic?"
Hook opened the doors. "Goodbye Smee." "Captain, why don't we play with your little island?!" Smee shouted as he rushed around. "Eh? You know, all the li'le Indians and the soldiers, all the Lost Boys?" Smee picked a toy boat out of the water and mixed it firing canons, making sounds to accompany it.
Hook walked out with a single flintlock. "There's no stopping me this time Smee. This is it. Don't make a move Smee, not a step." He used his hook to cock the gun. "My finger's on the trigger! Don't try to stop me Smee!" Smee looked up at him with disbelief. "Oh not again."
"This is it. Don't try to stop me this time Smee. Don't try to stop me this time Smee. Don't you dare try to stop me this time Smee, try to stop me." Smee looked up dumbly as Hook suddenly had a chance of heart. "Smee, you better get up, off your ass, get over here. Smee!" Smee rushed over. "I'm coming!" "Smee, this is not a joke, I'm committing suicide!"
Smee wrestled the captain for control of the gun, causing it to fire off at the little display of Neverland. Hook looked Smee dead in the eyes. "Don't ever frighten me like that again." "I'm sorry." Smee painted. "What are you, some kind of sadist?" Hook asked. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, how'dya feel now?" Smee asked, stroking Hook's hair.
Hook let out a sigh. "I want to die." "Oh no, no, noo." Smee kissed him on the cheek. "There's no adventure here." Hook stated. "You call this no adventure?" Smee asked, gesturing with the pistol." "Death is the only adventure I have left Smee." Hook said. Smee grabbed him by the hook and dragged him off. "Come one, lets get you into bed."
Smee kicked a wheel, causing a Royal hammock to drop from the ceiling. He took away the captain's waist scarf while Hook muttered to himself. The miniature Jolly Rodger sunk below the water. Smee looked at Hook as he sat back by his vanity. "Les 'ave no more o' this talk about doin' away with yerself. I mean, what would the world be like without Captain 'ook?"
"Indeed, good form Smee." He turned to his companion and first mate. "What would the world be like without Captain Hook?" After a few seconds, he stroked his curled moustache. "I'm ready for my nightcap." Smee came around and pulled his shoes off. "Abso-floggin-lutely! I think a bit o' skullduggery will do you good! Get your mind of this Pan business. First thing tomorrow mornin', we'll shoot some Indians outta Long Tom."
The captain let out a sigh as he scratched his head. "I'm tired of killing Indians and Lost Boys, I've been killing them most of my life. I want to kill Peter Pan. I wanna kill him! Do you hear me? I want to kill him." Smee nodded before he suddenly dropped the goblet he held. He froze and looked up at the window.
He turned and slowly took a couple steps forward. His face was dead serious. "I've just had an apostrophe." Hook face palmed. "I think you mean an epiphany." "Lightnin', " Smee said, "'as just struck my brain." "Well that must hurt." Hook snarked. "Pans Kids, the ones we got." Smee stated. He walked forward as Hook asked, "What about them?"
Smee took another two steps forward. "You could make 'em like ya." Hook guffawed. "Oho! Say what?" Smee shook his head. "No, no. We could make the little buggers love ya." Smee was grinning now. "No Smee, no little children love me." Hook stated. "Captain, that is the point!" Smee stated as he straddled Hook's legs. "That is the ultimate revenge, Pan's kids in love with Hook!"
"What is?" Hook asked impatiently as Smee wanted his eyebrows. "Imagine Pan's puss...when he faces you, and his kids, standing beside you, ready to fight for the sleaziest sleaze of the seven seas, Captain James Hook! Captain, it's beautiful." "Yes, I see." Hook said and went to take a sip of his drink. Smee took it and drank it, saying, "Captain, thank you very much."
"You know, Smee... I like it. I like it, I like it! Oh, Smee, what a superb idea I've just had! Tomorrow, I'll make Pan's brats love me. Oh, Peter Pan will fly again. He'll remember how. And if he doesn't, those dirty Lost Boys will jog his memory. And that other Bray of his shall be forced to face his siblings in a duel to the death! Oh, yes, you'll see. He'll crow, he'll fight, he'll fly...and then, he'll die." All that was heard was Hook's manical, overjoyed laughter.
~
The Lost Boys had agreed to train both Peter and Harry in the best way they knew, physically pushing their boundaries and insulting then in a chant. Peter was jogging with Too Small clinging to his back and Harry was carrying a backpack filled with rocks.
"•Pick 'em up... Move 'em down... Pick 'em on up... Move 'em on down... Ain't no time to celebrate, you are old and overweight. Gotta lose a million pounds~•"
~
Peter, Harry, Pockets, and Thatcher were doing toe reaches and stretching up while the other boys watched and cheered. "•Get your fat butt off the ground! Reach on down and touch your toes, how long since you looked at those?•"
~
Harry ran across the Winter bridge carrying pots and pans. "•Shape up!•" The boys chanted.
~
Peter ran across the Autumn bridge doing the same. "•Lose weight!•" The boys yelled at him.
~
They weren't allowed even a small break before being pushed into more work outs. "•Get thin! Gotta win! Jumping jacks are good for you, now your face is turning blue!•"
They trained in all sorts of weather conditions.from sunny to raining, from storming to snowing. "•Swing your arms around your back, give yourself a heart attack! Gotta train... In the rain... In the sun... In the snow... Ten below... Gotta move... Gotta crow...•"
~
The Lost Boys had all gathered around their arena to watch as Rufio trained Peter and Harry in sword fighting. Peter went first. He held his sword with both hands in a flimsy position with a nervous grin. "Go easy on me, I'm a beginner."
Rufio moved around him. "Alright gramps, give itcha best shot!" Tink sat on a sign and encouraged them. "Rufio's only trying to help, Peter. Listen. Learn." Peter stood with his legs apart. "Okay, you ready, I don't wanna hurtcha." He tried going for and overhead seign to the left but Rufio dodged it.
Peter charged , and Rufio spun around him and slashes one of his suspenders off. "Watch your skin! You don't have armour on!" One of the Lost Boys yelled. "Kick his butt dad!" Harry shouted with a grin. "Bangarang old man!" Rufio taunted. "BANGARANG!!" The Lost Boys yelled.
Peter let out a yell and charged forward almost intending to stab Rufio, but Rufio simply spun out of the way again and cut his belt, causing his pants to fall to his ankles and trip him up.
~
It was Harry's turn for a fight. He stood opposite to Rufio, holding his dagger in his hand. Rufio stared at the dagger. "Pan used to have that dagger, he used it to cut off Capìtan Hook's hand." Harry looked down, but that was a mistake.
Rufio lunged forward, leaving Harry barely enough time to jump to the side. Unlike his father, Harry decides to play dirty. He hit Rufio's sword arm down and kicked him in the shin. Rufio spun around him and kicked him to the ground. "Jack ass." Harry muttered, spitting out leaves.
~
The Lost Boys had Peter strapped to a giant slingshot. A lot of them had signs written in colourful words to encourage happy thoughts, even though it was obvious they couldn't spell well. The signs ranged from; Kandy, Horseys, and Bugs, to Berfday and Gum.
Peter's chest had been waxed completely and covered in paintings. "All you need is one happy thought, Peter, just one happy thought and it'll make you fly." Tink said. "You can do it dad, think of your happy thought!" Harry said, giggling at his fathers appearance. "I got it! Hehehe, not being in a sling shot! Would make me very happyyy~" Peter was sent flying as Rufio cut the rope. They all hoped he'd fly, but we're disappointed, as he crashed into a pool of mud.
~
"Now pay attention class, we have a lot to go over. Lesson One: Why Parents HATE Their Children." Captain Hook stared through round glasses at Jack and Maggie, who were both sitting at desks. "Anyone?" He took a piece of chalk off his straight point replacement of a hook.
Maggie turned to Jack. "Doesn't Mommy read to us every night?" Hook stabbed his point into her desk, making her jump, and stared at her from under his arm.
"You! The cute little urchin in the front row." Hook disconnected the point from his arm and made a wild gesture, giving his glasses to Smee. "Won't you share your thoughts with the whole class?"
Maggie swallowed nervously and found her courage. "Yes! I said Mommy reads to us every night! Because she loves us very much!" "Loves you..?" Hook muttered. He turned to Smee. "Isn't that the-the-the-" "The El word, Captain." Smee answered.
Hook shuddered. "No child! I think your mother reads to you every night in order to stupefy you! To put you to sleep! So that she and daddy can sit down for three measly minutes without you and your mindless, inexhaustible, unstoppable, repetitive and nagging demands!"
The Captain of the Jolly Rodger danced about. "He took my toy! She hit my bell! I want a party! I want a cookie! I want to stay up! I want, I want, I want, me, me, me, me, mine, mine, mine, mine, now, now, now... Can't you understand child? They tell you stories, to shut you up and put you out."
He smirked as doubt came over Jack's face. "Your brother gets everything he wants because he's quiet and their favourite." Maggie scowled at the pirate captain. "That's not true Jack!" She turned to Hook. "You're a liar!"
"Lie? Me?" Captain Hook let out a slow, disbelieving laugh. "Never! The truth is far too much fun." He made his way to the front of her desk and squatted down. "Oh my child, before you were born, your parents would stay up all night together just to see the sunrise. Don't be frightened. Maggie, before you were born they were happier. They were free."
Maggie stared at him with fear, distrust, and anger. "You're a bad man." She whispered. "Smee, flunk the maggot." Smee took his quill and drew out a large F on Maggie's blank sheet. "Abso-floggin-lutely!" He and Hook muttered to eachother while Maggie grabbed the paper in shock. "An F?! He gave me an F!"
Hook smiled sinisterly at her brother. "Jack. Your father went to your siblings' school play, did he not? But did he go to your baseball game?" Jack shook his head. "How'd you know about that?" Hook removed his glasses once more. "He missed the most important game, on what might have been the most important day of your young life."
Suddenly Maggie shot up and took hold of his hook. "I wanna tear your hook off!" She screamed. "I hate-I hate you Mister Hook!" Hook chuckled. "What did I tell you Smee? No little children love me!" "Course they do!" Smee said as he walked over and picked her up.
Maggie's hand slid off the hook as she was dragged out. "Jack you listen to me! Neverland makes you forget! Never forget! Mommy and Daddy and Harry!" "Maggie." Jack whispered. "Think of a way to run home Jack! Run home!"
"Run home?" Jack asked quietly. "Jack," the hook was shoved in front of his face, making his eyes widen. He turned to Hook. "You are home." The pirate let out a cruel laugh. "Right?"